Best 54 quotes of Artie Lange on MyQuotes

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.