Best 307 quotes of Fran Lebowitz on MyQuotes

A community is a butcher and a doctor, a minister, a town troublemaker. A "community" is not a bunch of people united by some grievance. That's just self-righteousness - incredibly dangerous and antidemocratic.

A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.

A great many people in Los Angeles are on special diets that restrict their intake of synthetic foods. The reason for this appears to be a widely held belief that organically grown fruits and vegetables make the cocaine work faster.

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.

Albert Einstein didn't care where he lived. Albert Einstein was a genius. Albert Einstein wasn't getting lost in the master bedroom, he was lost in thought.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

All of television's appalling, but this is hardly a new statement.

All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.

American women think that clothes fit them if they can fit into them. But that's not at all what fit means.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

Anti-smoking sentiment has replaced middle-class morality entirely. The smoker has taken the place of the homosexual. Today you hear people say things about smokers that used to be said about homosexuals - they pollute the environment; you don't want them around your children.

Any artist who has that quality of timelessness has that quality because they tell the truth.

Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.

A person who actually knows how to wear clothes...they would look good in any clothes. You see this especially at the Academy Awards. Even if the dresses are beautiful and expensive and important, the actresses can't always carry them. Sometimes I feel like saying to them, "Act! You know how to act, you're an actor. You're about to win an award for, I don't know, convincingly playing that Venezuelan nun who went to war. Now act like you can wear this dress.".

A salad is not a meal, it is a style.

Because I was young, I had this long hair, and people used to try to tip me with joints.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Being poor is like being a child. Being rich is like being an adult: you get to do whatever you want. Everyone is nice when they have to be; rich people are nice when they feel like it.

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

Cheese that is required by law to append the word food to its title does not go well with red wine or fruit.

[Children are] like talking animals. Their consciousness is so different from ours that they constitute a different species. They don't have to be particularly interesting children; just the fact that they are children is sufficient. They don't know what anything is, so they have to make it up. No matter how dull they are, they still have to figure things out for themselves.

Children are much less annoying [than adults] and they never start trends.

Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" "Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?

Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams.

China is not a great idea: capitalism and a dictator. It's like the two worst possible things you could imagine together. It's a very bad idea.

Civilised adults do not take apple juice with dinner.

Cold soup is a very tricky thing and it is a rare hostess who can carry it off. More often than not the dinner guest is left with the impression that had he only come a little earlier he could have gotten it while it was still hot.

Commercials and sometimes other guests - it's the down side of TV. Other people - it's the downside of life in general.

Communism requires of its adherents that they arise early and participate in a strenuous round of calisthenics. To someone who wishes that cigarettes came already lit the thought of such exertion at an hour when decent people are just nodding off is thoroughly abhorrent.

Communists all seem to wear small caps, a look I consider better suited to tubes of toothpaste than to people.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

Contrary to what many of you may imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks - chief among them the unpleasant fact that one is frequently called upon to sit down and write.

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull, or Fascism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?

Donald Trump is not my fault. You can blame certain things on me, but not Donald Trump.

Do not approach with anything even resembling assurance a restaurant that moves.

Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.

Do not have your child's hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Even if people aren't Republicans, it doesn't seem shocking to them that Ronald Reagan was the president. Well of course, because Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor! This is not only a bar too low, this is no bar at all. I don't care who you are, you know 20 people smarter than Ronald Reagan. You know 20 people who would be a better president than Ronald Reagan.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Ever since I was a little child, I refused to see movies of books that I loved. Because you already know what Heidi looks like and she doesn't look like Shirley Temple.

Everything in Japan is hidden. Real life has an unlisted phone number.