Best 62 quotes of Jackie Mason on MyQuotes

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.

As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.

A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton.

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.

Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers them. So, as a way to decrease their guilt, they try to help the underdog. They think, "Why should I be rich when so many suffer?" They feel better once they run to the party that claims to defend the underdog, the Democrats.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.

Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?

The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him.

The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.

The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.