Best 58 quotes in «funny love quotes» category

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

Respectable people do not write music or make love as a career.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

My life acccomplishments? Sanity, and you

On quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man.

The triumph of hope over experience.

Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late'

True friends stab you in the front.

Well, you know, the definition of second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

You know it's love when you want to give joy and damn the consequences.

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.

You call it madness, but I call it love.

You can't put a price tag on preparation for a pandemic.

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

If you are the drama, I would like to be your script for life.

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

A light heart lives long.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason

But even if we take matrimony at its lowest, even if we regard it as no more than a sort of friendship recognised by the police, there must be degrees in the freedom and sympathy realised, and some principle to guide simple folk in their selection.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

I don't know if I want to get married again.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

If I had no sense of humor I should long ago have committed suicide.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If you have nothing but love for your avocados, and you take joy in turning them into guacamole, all you need is someone to share it with.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that's about as romantic as I can think of.

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.