Best 171 quotes of Rita Rudner on MyQuotes

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.