Best 888 quotes in «witty quotes» category

In two words, impossible.

I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.

I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.

I praise God for you, sir: your reasons at dinner have been sharp and sententious; pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, audacious without impudency, learned without opinion, and strange with-out heresy.

I rant, therefore I am

I read part of it all the way through.

I read the script [of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency] and went, "I haven't read anything this good, in a long time." I thought it was absolutely brilliant. The dialogue is so sparkling, smart and witty. You also have these insane, crazy characters, like energy sucking vampires and holistic assassins. It's all completely weird.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made

I suppose, just as an honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

I started putting words together, making rhymes and being witty with the wordplay. I can play a little bit of guitar, and that's something I'm going to dedicate more time to doing.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

I think about Aaron Rodgers, he's like Chris Evans before he got the HGH injection in Captain America. But before he was super smart and was still witty and stuff. That's how I see Tom Brady.

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I think I learned more about writing scores for Broadway by making mix tapes in the '90s than I did in college. You're learning about rise and fall and energy and tempo shifts. You're showing off your taste and your references. You're trying to be witty by - through placement of music you didn't write.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

It is my opinion that a man's soul may be buried and perish under a dung-heap, or in a furrow field, just as well as under a pile of money.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It's very witty and it's great to see teenage characters have control that way. And you can actually hear about sex and pot and it's okay, it's not completely bad and you can't say that to teenagers.

It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I've been blessed, because the type I started in was competition based. It was about being witty and smart and innovative and different. I don't get backlash like some of the reality shows today because that's not who I am.

I've been enjoying 'Life on the Mississippi' by Mark Twain that I picked up at the airport randomly. It's very witty and interesting to read about his time as a steamboat pilot.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

I want my brain to slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one of my jokes. Then when I hadn't had a hit for three or four years, some of these same people pretended they didn't see me when I walked in the room.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.