Best 888 quotes in «witty quotes» category

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

There is an element of seduction in shoes that doesn't exist for men. A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes.

There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

There's a real emphasis on being witty in Scotland, even in crime novels.

There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature - the malice of a good thing is the barb that makes it stick.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

The simplest definition of advertising, and one that will probably meet the test of critical examination, is that advertising is selling in print.

The term "rational" and its variants (rationality, rationalism) are used in a lot of contexts in economic debate, both positively and negatively, but nearly always sloppily or dishonestly. A specimen I've seen on more occasions than I can count is the line (usually presented with a sense of witty originality) "if you are opposed to economic rationalism, you must be in favor of economic irrationalism"... I've come to the conclusion that the word "rational" has no meaning that cannot better be conveyed by some alternative term and that the best advice is probably to avoid it altogether.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

This book fills a much-needed gap.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.

Todd's mother had several children by different fathers, and Todd [Willingham] had been abandoned in California. ... He's a good-looking man. He was a witty man, you know? Funny, caring. He wasn't arrogant, but he was kind of set in his ways. If he thought something, it was one way. You could show him an alternative, but he was still going to stick by his particular view. But I could see how to women he could be a very charming, good-looking guy, especially when he was younger.

This is what I tell young women who ask me for career advice. People are going to try to trick you. To make you feel that you are in competition with one another. You're up for a promotion. If they go for a woman, it'll be between you and Barbara. Don't be fooled. You're not in competition with other women. You're in competition with everyone.

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and witty as we are ugly, stupid, and dull. But what if such a perfect being should one day turn around and decide they will love us back? We can only be somewhat shocked-how can they be as wonderful as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us?

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

We cannot see how the evidence afforded by the unquestioned progressive development of organised existence-crowned as it has been by the recent creation of the earth's greatest wonder, MAN, can be set aside, or its seemingly necessary result withheld for a moment. When Mr. Lyell finds, as a witty friend lately reported that there had been found, a silver-spoon in grauwacke, or a locomotive engine in mica-schist, then, but not sooner, shall we enrol ourselves disciples of the Cyclical Theory of Geological formations.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Toughness doesn't have to come in a pinstripe suit.

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.

Unlike my subject will I frame my song, It shall be witty and it shan't be long.

Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Well do I remember the first night we met, how you questioned my opinion that first impressions are perfect. You were right to do so, of course, but even then I suspected what I've come to believe most passionately these past weeks: from that first moment, I knew you were a dangerous woman, and I was in great peril of falling in love." She thought she should say something witty here. She said, "Really?

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?