Best 888 quotes in «witty quotes» category

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?

I want my brain to slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one of my jokes. Then when I hadn't had a hit for three or four years, some of these same people pretended they didn't see me when I walked in the room.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

I would rather stay positive and get 50 percent good results, than stay negative and get 100 percent bad results!

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

Judges ought to be more learned, than witty, more reverend, than plausible, and more advised, than confident. Above all things, integrity is their portion and proper virtue.

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Let's have some new cliches.

Laugh not too much; the witty man laughs least: For wit is news only to ignorance. Lesse at thine own things laugh; lest in the jest Thy person share, and the conceit advance.

Let's say you have $1,000,000 tied up in your little company and suddenly your advertising isn't working and sales are going down. And everything depends on it. Your future depends on it, your family's future depends on it, other people's families depend on it. Now, what do you want from me? Fine writing? Or do you want to see the goddamned sales curve stop moving down and start moving up?

Letting Go: A Little Bit at a Time is filled with big ideas that just might change your life. Wise, witty, and important.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.

Liverpool's grand opera also gave us some light comedy - on hearing the news that the house of goalkeeper Pepe Reina was burgled, and his Porsche stolen, while he was heroically saving penalties at Anfield, fans took a typically witty line: police were said to be interviewing a man from the West London area, a certain Frank Lampard, whose whereabouts on Tuesday between 7.45pm and 10.15pm are unknown. Indeed.

Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you.

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Luckily the script [of X-files episode] was written wonderfully and that became who I was and I was quirky, and I was kind of agitated and not entirely happy, but at the same time, witty.

Love is the only passion which includes in its dreams the happiness of someone else.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

Man is a being with free will; therefore, each man is potentially good or evil, and it's up to him and only him (through his reasoning mind) to decide which he wants to be.

Mankind will never see an end of trouble until lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power become lovers of wisdom

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

Many a witty inspiration is like the surprising reunion of befriended thoughts after a long separation.

Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

M. J. Putney's writing has always been magical; now that she has turned her hand to the telling of a fantasy tale, it sparkles on the page. Stolen Magic has to be one of the most delightful reads of the year, a witty, finely crafted tale that enchants from beginning to end. As always, Putney's intelligent wordsmithery, scholarship, eye for detail, and ability to bring to life irresistible characters add up to enjoyment on every page. Fast-moving and fun!

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Music has shaped men’s fashion and transposed in a playful and witty manner its riding or military heritage. It is difficult to figure out who leads but music and fashion are connected genetically.

My commentary's hilarious, not witty.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.