Best 888 quotes in «witty quotes» category

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.

Music has shaped men’s fashion and transposed in a playful and witty manner its riding or military heritage. It is difficult to figure out who leads but music and fashion are connected genetically.

My commentary's hilarious, not witty.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.

My life needs editing.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

My mama is my best friend. We have fun, we can talk about anything, she always is on my side but really quick to tell me when I'm wrong. That's a true friend. She's loyal, smart, witty and intelligent. She loves family and loves to travel. All the things I love!

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

My philosophy towards life is to enjoy it to the fullest and have fun. I am one of those 'laugh-out-loud' kinds. I am quirky, yet witty.

Nothing is more witty and grotesque than ancient mythology and Christianity; that is because they are so mystical.

Never mistake motion for action.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Nobody thanks a witty man for politeness when he puts himself on a par with a society in which it would not be polite to show one's wit.

No man should travel until he has learned the language of the country he visits. Otherwise he voluntarily makes himself a great baby - so helpless and so ridiculous.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

New Year's resolution: To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging.

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

No man is good enough to govern another man without the other's consent.

No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Nowhere are prejudices more mistaken for truth, passion for reason and invective for documentation than in politics.

Now it's virtually impossible to write a game that successfully provides challenge and frustration, and that's a shame. We are going to lose something that makes scientists, that makes doers, that makes hard-minded, witty, clever people, and I worry that those people aren't being made these days.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.

Observe it, the vulgar often laugh, but never smile, whereas well-bred people often smile, and seldom or never laugh. A witty thing never excited laughter, it pleases only the mind and never distorts the countenance.

One woman I interviewed, Amanda Ghost, said, "Let's not bullshit, there are no women at the top of the music business, and that is a serious problem." And I said, "Yes!" And I didn't shy away from saying that. But I still don't want to be in the firing line. I'm not clever or witty or brave enough to get into the political nitty-gritty with it.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One of the less vaunted joys of Austen is that she is one of the greatest writers in the English language who also happened to write witty romance novels. Women enjoy the love stories in Austen the same way men read Hemingway for the hunting and fishing: it provides guiltless pleasure.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

Pornography is in the loin of the beholder.

Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

Pornography: That which excites, whether from approval or disapproval.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.