Best 888 quotes in «witty quotes» category

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

Quotation... A writer expresses himself in words that have been used before because they give his meaning better than he can give it himself, or because they are beautiful or witty, or because he expects them to touch a cord of association in his reader, or because he wishes to show that he is learned and well read. Quotations due to the last motive are invariably ill-advised; the discerning reader detects it and is contemptuous; the undiscerning is perhaps impressed, but even then is at the same time repelled, pretentious quotations being the surest road to tedium.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party

Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer.

Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

She [Gypsy Rose Lee] was a sophisticated self-satirist with a contagious delight in the comedy of sex. She was coy; she was sly; she always had a witty quip; she had an intensely dramatic presence.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Sir, money, money, the most charming of all things; money, which will say more in one moment than the most elegant lover can in years. Perhaps you will say a man is not young; I answer he is rich. He is not genteel, handsome, witty, brave, good-humored, but he is rich, rich, rich, rich, rich -that one word contradicts everything you can say against him.

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember

Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves.

Surrealism in painting amounted to little more than the contents of a meagerly stocked dream world: a few witty fantasies, mostly wet dreams and agoraphobic nightmares.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

The best material model of a cat is another, or preferably the same, cat.

The army slew a thousand and showed little pity The king ordered fealty from the conquered city The prince charmed its people with words wise and witty And the queen sat on a couch, looking very pretty

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

The field of consciousness is tiny. It accepts only one problem at a time.

The devil's most devilish when respectable.

The English never draw a line without blurring it.

The discovery of the good taste of bad taste can be very liberating. The man who insists on high and serious pleasures is depriving himself of pleasure; he continually restricts what he can enjoy; in the constant exercise of his good taste he will eventually price himself out of the market, so to speak. Here Camp taste supervenes upon good taste as a daring and witty hedonism. It makes the man of good taste cheerful, where before he ran the risk of being chronically frustrated. It is good for the digestion.

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The future is made of the same stuff as the present.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

The great joke is that a realist is an optimistic pessimist. That's very witty. Whether it's truthful or not, that I don't know.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.