Best 47 quotes in «funny relationship quotes» category

Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

All diseases run into one, old age.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

Even when I begin with a situation that's basically funny or sad, I like to keep poking around in it. I like to get into the middle of a relationship, to explore the subtle places.

I believe marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman.

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

It's been said a thousand ways by hundreds of different people through the years, but is still as true as ever. If mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Yellow H. Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments; they've had the same argument hundreds of times.

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.

Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to explain it.

Love, honor, and negotiate.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky.

My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It's possible that both are right.

My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.

My mother's last word to me clanks inside me like an iron bell that someone beats at dinnertime: love, love, love, love, love.

Presence is more than just being there.

Of course 'we humans' have a funny relationship with the beings with whom we share our planet. We eat them, we care for them, we admire them, we use them.

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.

Nothing is more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Tenderness emerges from the fact that the two persons, longing, as all individuals do, to overcome the separateness and isolation to which we are all heir because we are individuals, can participate in a relationship that, for the moment, is not of two isolated selves but a union

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.

The appropriate age for marrige is around eighteen and thirty-seven for man

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

we love what we love and who we love who we love and why we love why we love and find a falling shoelace knotted and strung between the fingers of strangers

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!