Best 460 quotes of Jon Stewart on MyQuotes

It's the same argument people say about the blogs. The blogs are responsible. No, they're not. The blogs are like anything else. You judge each one based on its own veracity and intelligence and all of that.

It's very hard to feel the difficulties that the military goes through. It's very hard to feel the difficulties of military families, unless you're in that environment. And sometimes you have to force yourself to try and put yourself in other people's sort of shoes and environment to get the sense of that.

It upset me that, five days after the hurricane hit down in New Orleans, the President's plan was for a day of prayer. I would have thought a truck of food. A day of prayer. Now, maybe I'm mistaken here and, again, I'm not a scientific expert, but isn't a hurricane officially an act of God? Isn't a day of prayer kind of redundant? Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing? So we do a day of prayer. The President has his stupid day of prayer. Three days later, Hurricane Rita hits. Somebody must have said something... something like, is that all you got?

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I want a sandwich named after me.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?

[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.

[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, "I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud," all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that are just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it's something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'

Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work.

My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower.

My friend Bill O’Reilly is completely full of sh*t.

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.

New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.

Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.

Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It's all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior?

No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.

No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you.

Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.