Best 244 quotes of Louis C. K. on MyQuotes

Louis C. K.

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    Louis C. K.

    [about being a father] I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.

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    Louis C. K.

    A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

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    Louis C. K.

    All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.

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    Louis C. K.

    All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it’s like, “Hey, I’ve got a cup in case we need another cup.” “Dude, you’re a genius!”

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    Louis C. K.

    A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.

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    Louis C. K.

    A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.

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    Louis C. K.

    A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

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    Louis C. K.

    Apple embodies a lot of what have been defined as feminine traits: an emphasis on intuitive design, intellect, a strong sense of creativity, and that striving to always make the greatest version of something.

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    Louis C. K.

    A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

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    Louis C. K.

    Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

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    Louis C. K.

    Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

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    Louis C. K.

    Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?

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    Louis C. K.

    Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

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    Louis C. K.

    Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

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    Louis C. K.

    Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism.

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    Louis C. K.

    Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

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    Louis C. K.

    Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

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    Louis C. K.

    Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

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    Louis C. K.

    Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face.

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    Louis C. K.

    Either I'll never get rich from the show but remain intensely proud of the work and stand behind every second of it, or it catches on and I'll make my money down the road.

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    Louis C. K.

    Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

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    Louis C. K.

    Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

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    Louis C. K.

    Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

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    Louis C. K.

    Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy.

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    Louis C. K.

    Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays.

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    Louis C. K.

    Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

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    Louis C. K.

    Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.

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    Louis C. K.

    For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there.

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    Louis C. K.

    Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

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    Louis C. K.

    Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

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    Louis C. K.

    Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

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    Louis C. K.

    God is like a shitty girlfriend.

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    Louis C. K.

    here's a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It's literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It's a huge amount of work.

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    Louis C. K.

    Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

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    Louis C. K.

    How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women... You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

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    Louis C. K.

    Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.

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    Louis C. K.

    I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

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    Louis C. K.

    I am really tired of looking at my hips. I'm seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together.

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    Louis C. K.

    I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

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    Louis C. K.

    I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That's something you just have to know. It's like pilots that fly at high Gs and they lose, sometimes, consciousness and hand/eye coordination and they just have to know that that's going to happen. They have to be trained to not try to do too much while they are doing that. So when you are on stage, you have to be aware that you are wrong about how it feels a lot of times.

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    Louis C. K.

    I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.

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    Louis C. K.

    I could never sit down and write jokes.

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    Louis C. K.

    I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school ... Technical high school, that's where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, "You can do anything you want." Their whole lives. "You can do anything!" But this place, we take kids - they're 15, they're young - and we tell them, "You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.

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    Louis C. K.

    I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

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    Louis C. K.

    I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. My mother was a single mom, putting my three sisters through college, and I was such a bad student that I knew I had no right to take her money. But I loved being in classes and learning. I took in a huge amount of what I learned, but I had a feeling of always being behind and being in trouble.

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    Louis C. K.

    I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!

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    Louis C. K.

    I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

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    Louis C. K.

    I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

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    Louis C. K.

    I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

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    Louis C. K.

    I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.