Best 66 quotes in «funny marriage quotes» category

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

Love conquers all things.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

I was married once before, and I stopped.

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

One good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.