Best 66 quotes in «funny marriage quotes» category

And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

Everything comes to us from others. To Be is to belong to someone.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I was married once before, and I stopped.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Love conquers all things.

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

One good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.

Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.