Best 66 quotes in «funny marriage quotes» category

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

Everything comes to us from others. To Be is to belong to someone.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Love conquers all things.

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I was married once before, and I stopped.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.