Best 66 quotes in «funny marriage quotes» category

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

One good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Everything comes to us from others. To Be is to belong to someone.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.