Best 110 quotes of Milton Berle on MyQuotes

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.