Best 30 quotes in «humerous quotes» category

Alan Grant: "There are... far too many words written. Millions and millions of them pouring from the presses every minute. It's a horrible thought." The Midget (his nurse): "You sound constipated.

A woman needs a man like a tortoise needs a crah helmet.

Because of Face book, Twitter, MySpace and Stumble Upon, the Home Shopping Network is probably losing millions of dollars.

Everybody's always doing the same old things--- you know, doing unto others before they can do unto you.

Holy granola!

I can't interfere with my own past! Because that would mean I'd be interfering with my own past- to stop myself from interfering with my own past! THEN where would we be?!" - 6th Doctor

Aw, come on, it's just hot as hell there and my AC doesn't even make a dent. Let's try for something cooler." ~ Loki ~

If God had a wife He would be in just as much trouble as any man.

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.

It is not a Christmas tree!" said the King, so firmly that all the girls stopped jumping about. "This is a house of mourning. It is nothing more than a tree. I thought it would look nice. Inside. That is all.

Nothing smells worse than a mans restroom in a bar, well that's what the lady told me when I called her number from the wall.

In life...better that your computer mouse die...than your rabbit.

No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a homunculus.

Okay, I'll take the pink one with the torn ear.' The guy behind the counter scratches his neck. "Are you being serious?" Her face is stoic. 'Absolutely. I never kid about teddy bears.

Rich old people are more attractive than poor old people, so by all means, try to get rich before age sets in. Otherwise, you'll just be playing catch-up for the rest of your life and that will just wear you out, let me tell you.

Where's your crown, Short Stuff?" "Stuffed in a planter back there with my shoes.

scary mommy confession #80920 " I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my two year old permanent markers and play-doh. next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack.

The King had advertised the old magic tea set, but for some reason, no one wanted sugar teeth that could gouge their eyes out.

Truth like beauty seems to be in the eye and mind of the beholder.

We all look back at some time or other and wonder why we didn't listen to our instincts. Why did we hestiate? Why did we lose our dreams?

I read the title from the cover. ' 'The joy of... crap.' ' I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden. Noah turned over on to his side and said with mock seriousness, 'I have never read 'The Joy Of Crap'. Sounds disgusting.' I blushed deeper. 'I have, however, read 'The Joy Of Sex.' ' He continued, a smile transforming his face. 'Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?' 'I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?' 'Elvish.

That's a charming story," Alaric said, glancing at Ayda. "What's the moral? Never marry an elf?" "Never anger an elf," she corrected him. "Probably good advice," Alaric said.

The wee little people that live in my head won't let Gulliver go.

We read in the paper about a fifty-five-year-old woman-you read right, that's fifty five- who had quadruplets! Since the pregnancy was in vitro, it was clearly on purpose. I've got to tell you, we were all pretty happy that we hadn't done this and also none of us had ever considered it. Nor had we considered pulling out all our teeth with pliers or slamming our fingers in the car door repeatedly just to see what it feels like.

Why are you putting on lip gloss, my daughter?" Dad asked ." Trip to the library? Trip to the nunnery? I hear the nunneries are nice this time of year." "Not a date; I still remember Claud," Rusty said, and grabbed her ankle. " I forbid it." "You introduced me to Claud," Kami pointed out. "I'm a bad person," Rusty mumbled. "I do bad things." "Is this true, Kami? Are you going out on a date?" Dad asked tragically. "wearing that? Wouldn't you fancy a shapeless cardigan instead? You rock a shapeless cardigan honey.

Why?' He asked. 'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell.

You aren’t allowed back until you’ve learned to willingly suspend disbelief.

You're not going to turn into a wanker, are you?" says Tone, opening a can of larger. "What do you mean?" "He means you're not going to get all studenty on us," says Spencer. "Well, I am a student. I mean, I will be, so,..." "No, but I mean you're not gong to get all twatty and up-your-own-arse and come home at Christmas in a gown, talking Latin and saying "one does" and "one thinks" and all that..." "Yeah, Tone, that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do.