Best 214 quotes of Bob Hope on MyQuotes

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

Please don't stand up on my account.

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent for that.

Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I've never heard of a clean one.

Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.

Television is the box they buried entertainment in.

That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.

Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.