Best 708 quotes in «sarcasm quotes» category

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

It’s not complicated and it doesn’t compare to my problem, now give me a damn cookie I think I earned it,” Jill snapped. Chris grinned like it was Christmas morning. “Yes, you did.” He brought her a cookie. “Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what." [I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]

It’s sarcasm, Josh.” “Sarcasm?” “It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.” “Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.” “There you go, you got it.” “Got what?” “Sarcasm.” “No, I meant it.” “Sure you did.” “Is that sarcasm?” “Irony, I think.” “What’s the difference?” “I haven’t the slightest idea.” “So you’re being ironic now, right?” “No, I really don’t know.” “Maybe you should ask the idiot.” “Now you’ve got it.” “What?” “Sarcasm.

It was Nathaniel's boundless capacity for stating the obvious that made him so charmingly human.

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.

I understand your problem. I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?

I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

I’ve been surrounded by nitwits my entire life.

I've heard that sarcasm is no substitute for cleverness

I was appraising . . . not eye fooking.

I was dead, and I hadn't even been able to attend my own funeral.

I was planning to end this phase after a few weeks, but after one particular meeting, the lead advisor asked me not to come back. She said she'd noticed that every time I was asked to give a suggestion about an ex-husband to a grieving divorcee, I always said, "You should have him murdered.

I watched you undress. Shame on you!

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

I was starting to hate my sixteenth birthday. A poufy white dress and a cake with roses made out of pink icing and awkward dancing with boys in awkward suits was starting to sound like a great alternative. Seriously. Sign my up, I wouldn't even complain.

I wish you'd stop desperately trying to get my attention like this," he said. "It's become embarrassing." "Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt," she told him. "I can't help it. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

I wish there was some method to transform all the agony in my imprudent heart to an energy source. It would have lit up the world till eternity!!!

Lord Ironman, please play tonsil hockey with me, just this one time. There, does that make you happy?

MacMillian groaned again, and sat up. "Clients?" "Yeah. You know, people who'll give us money in exchange for work.

Luchesi cannot tell amontillado from a sherry

Luckily we don't sleep standing. Who knows where the dream will take us!

Love is worth dying for, said the spermatozoid.

Luke is the sort of boy Taylor Swift could at least three songs out of.

Marcus stepped behind the bar, saying, “Dan sent me over to assist you and learn how to tend the bar.” Doms could be pain-in-the-ass mother hens.

Marion: What is all this? What's going on? Clint: The same thing that's always going on. The end of the world.

Marriage is always something of a compromise, as I'm sure you're now aware. Any long-term relationship is - and one does have to see it in the long term, Charles. No, I expect your mother and myself will never divorce. It's uneconomic and, at my age, usually unnecessary.

Mathilde returned and strolled past the drawing-room windows; she saw him busily engaged in describing to Madame de Fervaques the old ruined castles that crown the steep banks of the Rhine and give them so distinctive a character. He was beginning to acquit himself none too badly in the use of the sentimental and picturesque language which is called wit in certain drawing-rooms.

Maybe, she thought, the reign of malicious sarcasm was over and she could be a good person again.

Nusidriekė eilė prie neišvengiamos fotosienelės, fotografai skubėjo, pozuojantieji nerimavo, ar gerai atrodys nuotraukose ir ar budintis portalo redaktorius prisimins jų pavardę, o gal tiesiog parašys "šventinio renginio akimirkos".

Men weigh love with hands.

Michel en a marre d'être seul. Alors il s'est amputé d'une partie de son cerveau, histoire de ne pas voir la fille comme elle était: une emmerdeuse de premier ordre.

Min aska kommer sprida värme.

Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied. "Dangerous animals too." "Without a doubt." She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you." He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush.

Muslims are bad because they are, that’s all. Why would you need a reason? It’s one thing to let your child go blind because you read on Facebook that the measles vaccine would make him autistic, it’s another to ship him off to a work camp because he inherited his grandmother’s genes instead of Grandpa’s. Our entire race is trying to lobotomize itself. It’s as moronic and repulsive as someone cutting off their own legs.

My dominant (no pun intended) discourse seems to be needy as fuck.

Natürlich mochte ich die, die nicht ich waren, nur selten.

Need I say more?' 'No, because you're wrong, and I'd hate for you to keep embarrassing yourself.

Niko was a man of few words and flying, sugary snacks. I like that in a human. ~Catcher

Ninety percent of the people are not happy with their jobs. The remaining ten percent don’t deserve their jobs in the first place.

No one plows the field just by thinking about it.

Not one of the boys like me. I’ve put their noses out of joint.” “Well, they were never good-looking lads.

Now Adam slouched alone along the dusty lane. It was a good slouch. Adam had a way of slouching along that offended all right-thinking people. It wasn't that he just allowed his body to droop. He could slouch with inflections, and now the set of his shoulders reflected the hurt and bewilderment of those unjustly thwarted in their selfless desire to help their fellow men.

No zek had the right to stay one second in his workroom without the supervision of a free employee because prudence dictated that the prisoner would be bound to use that unsupervised second to break into the steel safe with a lead pencil, photograph its secret documents with a trouser button, explode an atom bomb, and fly to the moon.

Och, they suit you, Queenie! Promise me you'll wear them.

Of course. I died today, and now I'm going to fight aliens with a light saber. Maybe after that we can look for mermaids. Or unicorns." "No," he says. "Just aliens." Was that the barest hint of humour in his tone?

Oh! I know what I wanted to tell you – you’ll never guess who Thomas is chasing after now…” Hmmm, never guess or can’t be bothered to guess – it was a hard call. I yawned again, glancing at the bed, which was inviting me to clamber back inside and pull the sheet over my head. So tempting, but not practical.

Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of the FBI.

Oh. I get it now. God had Nader beat my ass and my mom leave my dad just so Jodi could learn how to chop onions and use a propane grill. Great. Awesome.