Best 708 quotes in «sarcasm quotes» category

If only a stare can kill, I'm already a murderer.

I frowned at him. "Isn't sarcasm the opiate of the masses?" "You're thinking of religion," he replied. "Sarcasm is the Xanax of the morally bereft.

if the opponent praises you … you will not believe, you will take it as sarcasm. And, if the opponent curses you and criticizes you, you will not only believe it, you will take it as if he had made a declaration over a notarized stamped paper. So granted and guaranteed.

If this is how you feel about a desert, I can't wait until you see your first real tree. Your mind will explode.

If time is money and you wasted my time, then give me back my money!

If wrappings of cloth can impart respectability, the most respectable persons are the Egyptian mummies, all wrapped in layers and layers of gauze

If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses. Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible. You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it!

If you are going to do that, would you mind not jostling the bed so much?' came a sarcastic voice near the head board. 'Perhaps you could roll around on the floor.

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.

If you don't understand it, it's art.

If your career doesn’t work out, write a book about it.

I glanced back to Yanni to see him smiling at us. "You two can stop being so cute now." "Well, Spencer can," Andrew deadpanned. "I, unfortunately, am cute all the time." I laughed. "It's true. He is.

If you turned your back on irony, it curdled into sarcasm. And what good was it then? Sarcasm was irony which had lost its soul.

I give away examples!

I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world...

I got married. A bright past is ahead of me!

Ignore the reek of feces in the air, the bloodstains on the ground, and you have yourself a glorious night.

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.

I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on!

I know that you’re worried about me, but crushing my lungs isn’t going to help anyone.

I ken who you are! You're Strathfearn's granddaughter. Julie Stuart, is it? Och, aye, Lady Julia! Well then, Lady Julia, tell me -- who don't you deserve a glass of water?

I know the power of speech. I don't talk much.

I’ll use my divination and look into the future. Hey, you know what, I’m seeing the future right now. If I stand here and wait, then in three minutes a train’s going to come. And after that, another train’s going to come. Here, I’ll let you guess what’s going to happen afterwards. I’ll give you a hint—there’s a train.

I'll only go if there's cake. ~Tobias "Four

I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.

I'm almost finished," said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it. "I never doubted you for a moment," said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. "I actually doubted him the whole time. He's really not very good." Wilhelm turned. "I'm standing right in front of you. I can hear literally every sound you make." "Wilhelm, please," said Vex, "this is a private conversation.

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

I’m fine, considering I can’t walk anymore,” Pam replied, a sarcastic edge in her voice. “You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I’m blind?

Imitating someone is the mediocre way of getting humanity back to what we evolved from.

I'm financially ugly.

I’m not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car.

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.

I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.' 'I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.

Im.’ The monosyllable was heavy with contempt. ‘’E’s a twat.’ ‘Is he?’ ‘Yeah, ’e is. Ask Kieran.’ She gave the impression that she and Kieran stood together, sane, dispassionate observers of the idiots populating Lula’s world.

I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found,” I said to the man searching my pants. “You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two.

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word. “That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear. “Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this,” Arch said as he looked at both men. “I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase.” He made a quote motion with his fingers. Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. “Please, don't put us through that torture.

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn't sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they'd stolen it from the Native Americans in the first place, I suppose they couldn't grumble. Once some debts had been wiped and estate agents had taken their commission, Napoleon's France ended up pocketing a little more than $8 million. Which is about how much it cost Pepsi Cola to secure the services of Britney Spears. Times have changed.

I nee to reason for a plague, ... As far as I know no comets or eclipses have been forecast, and our sins are not great enough for God to be concerned with us.

I need to ask, are you afraid of spiders?" Nicholas blinked, suddenly caught off guard, "Yes, I'm afraid of spiders." "Were you always?" "What are you, a psychiatrist?" Pritam took a breath. He could feel Laine's eyes on him, appraising his line of questioning. "Is it possible that the trauma of losing your best friend as a child and the trauma of losing your wife as an adult and the trauma of seeing Laine's husband take his life in front of you just recently..." Pritam shrugged and raised his palms, "You see where I'm going?" Nicholas looked at Laine. She watched back. Her gray eyes missed nothing. "Sure," agreed Nicholas, standing. "And my sister's nuts, too, and we both like imagining that little white dogs are big nasty spiders because our daddy died and we never got enough cuddles." "Your father died?" asked Laine. "When?" "Who cares?" Pritam sighed. "You must see this from our point of - " "I'd love to!" snapped Nicholas. "I'd love to see it from your point of view, because mine is not that much fun! It's insane! It's insane that I see dead people, Pritam! It's insane that this," he flicked out the sardonyx necklace,"stopped me from kidnapping a little girl!" "That's what you believe," Pritam said carefully. "That's what I fucking believe!" Nicholas stabbed his finger through the air at the dead bird talisman lying slack on the coffee table.

I no longer wonder how far idiocy can go. It is infinite.

Innocent tourists? You make me sound like the big bad wolf.” “And you’re not?” I questioned. “Only if you’re Red Riding Hood,” he said flirtatiously. “Wow, that’s original.

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.

I once visited a place where they killed people by putting them in a chair. Not torture — that was common enough; beds and chairs were very much the par when it came to getting people helpless and confined, to inflict pain upon them — but actually set it up to kill them while they sat. They — get this — they either gassed them or they passed very high electric currents through them. A pellet dropped into a container beneath the seat, like some obscene image of a commode, producing a fatal gas; or a cap over their head, and their hands dipped in some conducting fluid, to fry their brains. You want to know the punch line? Yeah, [...] give us the punch line. This same state had a law that forbade — and I quote — “cruel and unusual punishments!” Can you believe that?

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

In the beginning there was the Word. Then we broke it.

I once saw you in a tuxedo and all I wanted to do is eat.

I opened my eyes really wide and fluttered my eyelashes at him. "I'm sorry, I must've missed your coronation ceremony. Silly me." from Clean Sweep

I realize you're planning on fighting all the dragons single-handedly-" "I'm going to protect you from John, dammit. Show him that he can't fucking mess with you. This is about territory." Tom narrowed his eyes. "Are you going to piss a circle around me too?" "If that's what it takes.

Is he safe?" I whispered as soon as the baker was out of earshot. "I very much doubt it," Hal said in a low voice. I frowned. "You're meant to say 'yes, I'd trust him with my life.' That sort of thing. Something reassuring." He blinked twice at me. "I beg your pardon. Next time I'll read between your very vague lines, and lie. Will that make you happy?