Best 708 quotes in «sarcasm quotes» category

Innocent tourists? You make me sound like the big bad wolf.” “And you’re not?” I questioned. “Only if you’re Red Riding Hood,” he said flirtatiously. “Wow, that’s original.

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.

I no longer wonder how far idiocy can go. It is infinite.

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

In the beginning there was the Word. Then we broke it.

I once visited a place where they killed people by putting them in a chair. Not torture — that was common enough; beds and chairs were very much the par when it came to getting people helpless and confined, to inflict pain upon them — but actually set it up to kill them while they sat. They — get this — they either gassed them or they passed very high electric currents through them. A pellet dropped into a container beneath the seat, like some obscene image of a commode, producing a fatal gas; or a cap over their head, and their hands dipped in some conducting fluid, to fry their brains. You want to know the punch line? Yeah, [...] give us the punch line. This same state had a law that forbade — and I quote — “cruel and unusual punishments!” Can you believe that?

I once saw you in a tuxedo and all I wanted to do is eat.

I opened my eyes really wide and fluttered my eyelashes at him. "I'm sorry, I must've missed your coronation ceremony. Silly me." from Clean Sweep

I realize you're planning on fighting all the dragons single-handedly-" "I'm going to protect you from John, dammit. Show him that he can't fucking mess with you. This is about territory." Tom narrowed his eyes. "Are you going to piss a circle around me too?" "If that's what it takes.

I shou'd not myself have thought [Cato] worth so much notice as I have here taken of him; but that the Men are weak enough in general, to suffer their sense to be led away captive, by such half-thinking retailers of sentences. Among whom, This in particular, was he worth the pains, might be easily proved to have been often grossly in the wrong in other matters as well as in the present case; and therefore, when he happens to be in the right, the merit of it is more to be imputed to blind chance than to his wisdom: Since the greatest fools, when active, may blunder into the right sometimes: And great talkers among many absurdities, must here and there drop a good saying, when they least design it. Of this stamp, are the generality of evidence brought against us. Men avers'd to the labour of thinking; who found reason a drudgery (...); who have gain'd all their reputation by a pretty gimness of expressions, which wou'd no more bear examination than their heads, their hearts, or their faces; and who (to mimic this sage) wou'd rather see common-sense in confusion, than a word misplaced in one of their sentences. Yet these are sages among the Men, and their sentences are so many divine oracles; whereas perhaps, had we lived in their own times, to have heard the many more foolish things they said than sensible ones, we shou'd have found them as oafish as the dupes who revere them. And tho' perhaps we might have been more surprized to hear such dotards talk sometimes rationally, than we now are, to read their sayings; we shou'd have had reason still to think them more fit to extort our admiration than deserve it. Care has been taken to hand down to us the best of their sentences, many of which nevertheless are weak enough: But had the same care been taken to register all their absurdities, how great a share of their present applause wou'd they have lost!

Is he safe?" I whispered as soon as the baker was out of earshot. "I very much doubt it," Hal said in a low voice. I frowned. "You're meant to say 'yes, I'd trust him with my life.' That sort of thing. Something reassuring." He blinked twice at me. "I beg your pardon. Next time I'll read between your very vague lines, and lie. Will that make you happy?

I should just build a bleeding house here," I mutter as I pick myself up off the snow-covered ground. "Maybe get a few chickens. Plant a garden.

I sheep's idea of bravery : To become a wolf's pet.

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty of half full. Just drink it while everyone is arguing about it and be thankful you had a glass with something in it!

I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?

I suppose you don’t care about anyone,” said Catherine. Finn paused. “I find few people are worth the effort.” “A charmer like you?” she said. “No. I don’t believe it.

I think it is just a matter of getting into the mind of the writer,” Vetinari went on, looking at a letter covered with grubby fingerprints and what looked like the remains of someone’s breakfast. He added: “In some cases, I imagine, there is a lot of room.

I think you people are just marvelous,” she said in a dramatic manner, closing her eyes for a moment. “You know, sometimes I hear the Great Spirit calling to me. Perhaps I was a squaw in my last life. My family would never talk about it when I was growing up, but I’m pretty sure my great-grandmother was a real Cherokee princess. Are you Cherokee, by any chance?” “Cherokee to the bone, ma’am,” Luther replied, giving Jimmy a wink. “Oh, I knew it when I laid eyes on you,” she responded and turned to Jimmy. “Are you also Cherokee?” “No, ma’am. I wanted to be but I didn’t have the grades to get in.” “Oh, you poor dear,” the woman said, reaching over to pat him on the arm.

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

It must be wonderful to be you, Dominic, and know that you alone have shaped yourself. It must be even more wonderful for other people, your mother and even God Himself for all I know, to know that. It absolves them of a terrible responsibility.

It is a futile and ridiculous struggle—but then... it is human nature, I suppose, to be futile and ridiculous.

It is most remarkable that Lincoln, when he saw so much that was vulnerable in the leadership of the Church, did not move to the opposite error and become a scoffer.

Touch her and I will shred you to scraps and then burn what remains of you until the fat bubbles out. Well, that really painted a picture. Delightful, Raolcan. You should be a poet in your spare time.

It's a Christmas miracle. I had no tree. Now I have a forest.

I try to smile at her, but I can't extend my flexibility training to my mouth, it just won't move.

It's easy to make women happier and busier. How? Buy her a talking mirror beside bitching it has to be programmed to say, "You are looking very beautiful and slimmer," at precisely every hour.

It's funny, ma'am, how sometimes you're so sarcastic but it doesn't sting." "Because of my dimples. Dimples are a get-out-of-jail-free card

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what." [I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]

It’s not complicated and it doesn’t compare to my problem, now give me a damn cookie I think I earned it,” Jill snapped. Chris grinned like it was Christmas morning. “Yes, you did.” He brought her a cookie. “Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

It’s sarcasm, Josh.” “Sarcasm?” “It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.” “Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.” “There you go, you got it.” “Got what?” “Sarcasm.” “No, I meant it.” “Sure you did.” “Is that sarcasm?” “Irony, I think.” “What’s the difference?” “I haven’t the slightest idea.” “So you’re being ironic now, right?” “No, I really don’t know.” “Maybe you should ask the idiot.” “Now you’ve got it.” “What?” “Sarcasm.

It was Nathaniel's boundless capacity for stating the obvious that made him so charmingly human.

I understand your problem. I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.

I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

I’ve been surrounded by nitwits my entire life.

I've heard that sarcasm is no substitute for cleverness

I was appraising . . . not eye fooking.

I watched you undress. Shame on you!

I was dead, and I hadn't even been able to attend my own funeral.

I was planning to end this phase after a few weeks, but after one particular meeting, the lead advisor asked me not to come back. She said she'd noticed that every time I was asked to give a suggestion about an ex-husband to a grieving divorcee, I always said, "You should have him murdered.

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

I wish you'd stop desperately trying to get my attention like this," he said. "It's become embarrassing." "Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt," she told him. "I can't help it. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.

I wish there was some method to transform all the agony in my imprudent heart to an energy source. It would have lit up the world till eternity!!!

I was starting to hate my sixteenth birthday. A poufy white dress and a cake with roses made out of pink icing and awkward dancing with boys in awkward suits was starting to sound like a great alternative. Seriously. Sign my up, I wouldn't even complain.

Love is worth dying for, said the spermatozoid.

Lord Ironman, please play tonsil hockey with me, just this one time. There, does that make you happy?

Luchesi cannot tell amontillado from a sherry

Luckily we don't sleep standing. Who knows where the dream will take us!