Best 51 quotes in «funny as hell quotes» category

I [dad] spent hours on the phone. Do you know with whom?' 'One of those psychic hotlines?' Dad gritted his teeth. 'If only...

I don't mean like balls-in-your-face or gifts of pornography and butt plugs romantic, just cute, over-the-pants, PG-13 movie stuff.

If life is unfair with everyone, doesn’t that make life fair

I'm going to take a wild guess here and say the hard-on you've been sporting all afternoon is not on account of Mr. Nicholson continually bending over to pick up the golf balls, right?" "For fuck's sake, Dad!" James cursed, looking horrified at his father, who just shrugged his shoulders at his son's shocked expression. "Whaaat? Just making sure," he added, hardly hiding his amusement.

I pull back. "I'm going to have to change my computer password." "Oh yeah? To what?" "I-love-Josh." "4 eva, he replies." "You cracked my password?

It all jibed, and the books would close on Jasper as death by misadventure. Unofficially, Eve labeled it death by stupidity, but there wasn't a place on the sheet for that particular observation. - Lt. Eve Dallas on a drunk fall off the roof

I think we're avoiding the most important question here. What matters most. What means the most to men like us." Conall growled at Billy Dunwich's sincere face. "I am not telling you if she swallows." Dunwich smiled. "Just tell me if she's a good girl...or if she's a very good girl?

Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends." Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said: "He's not my friend!" "Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status.

It’s turbulence, for crying out loud. I refuse to die by cloud fart.” Excerpt From: Gregg, L.B. “How I Met Your Father.” L.B. Gregg, 2013-11-12T06:00:00+00:00. iBooks. This material may be protected by copyright.

I wanted to puke, and from the intense paint stench that was assaulting my nasal passages. Sage wanted Gaberot, Not Tucker, not Joe, but Gabe. It was all too gross to contemplate. So of course my brain couldn't stop contemplating it. Sage and Gabe-rot sitting in the tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G! We worked in silence for a few minutes while I fumed. How could she grill me about Gabe when she was already dating Mr.Perfect? If only Daniel were here to hear all of this instead of sitting back at SDH oblivious. "So are you and Gabe, like close?" Sage asked. Ugh! "Very close," I said, tilting my head to one side,"Incestuous,actually. He's a fabulous kisser.

Maybe it's some Bioterrorism test being run by the government. Don't drink the tap water or seafood until I do some testing." Bubba "I don't normally drink my seafood Bubba, but" Nick

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know. " Simon never had much patience with Jace. "Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo. " "And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand, " said Jace sarcastically.

If you’ve ever grown zucchini, you know they all ripen the same day. You wait all of June and July for zucchini. August rolls around, and one day—bam! You have more zucchini than you know what to do with. You start handing them out to your neighbors and friends at work because there’s no way any single person can handle all that zucchini. Not even if you’re smart and resourceful and have accumulated dozens of good recipes, not even a person who likes zucchini as much as I do.--Grace Savage

I'm sorry. I can't serve him that item," the waitress said, only somewhat surprising her since she had a pretty good idea why. "Why not?" she found herself asking anyway out of curiosity to see if she was right. *** "Because he's a Bradford," the woman explained with a shrug.

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

Miranda: You say you were my guardian angel. Does that mean you watched me all the time? Like when I got my period or doctored a zit or took a shower or- Zachary: I'm an angel, not a Peeping Tom.

My favorite part of dreams. Clothing is optionable." V'Aidan

She thinks you're stalking me." "Why the hell would I do that? I see too much of your ugly mug as it is.

She stared into his eyes and announced, “A good-bye kiss.” It was at that Raid stopped dead. “What?” “Raiden, the gig is up,” she declared, and Raid closed his eyes. Jesus, how could the woman be so infuriating and so fucking cute all at once? He opened his eyes and asked, “The gig is up?” She leaned into him and hissed, “Yes.” Fuck, he wanted to kiss her. He also wanted to shake her. “Baby, it’s jig,” he corrected, and her head jerked, which made that mess of hair on her head jerk, which reminded him he wanted his hands in that hair. Then elsewhere. He needed to speed this shit up. “Sorry?” she asked, sounding confused, and he looked from her hair to her eyes and saw she was, in fact, confused. Yeah. Infuriating. And fucking cute. “The jig is up, not the gig,” he told her. Her eyes narrowed. “Seriously? You’re correcting my street lingo?” “Think that street lingo was the street lingo about eight decades ago, Hanna. So now it’s just lingo.

There once was a man who was sore 'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door. Celibacy is just not for me Let me in, you cock-teasing whore.

Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain....details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss.

So," V'Aidan said as she thumped a cantaloupe, "what are you listening for?" She held it up to his ear and thumped. "This one is to ripe." Then she held up another one and let him hear the difference. "This one isn't." She put the good cantaloupe in the cart, then turned around to catch him thumping bananas. Erin quickly grabbed them away from him. "We don't thump those." "Why?" "It'll bruise them." "Oh." He looked around, then paused. "What about those?" She turned to see the grapes. "Only thump if you want to turn them into whine." He pulled her into his arms. "What about if I thump you?" She smiled. "I'd probably make all kinds of interesting noises.

So, slim who is this designer asshole?" Falcyn "That's Mr. Asshole to you Dragon.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit." -Ty Henderson

This was one of those non-glamorous parts about college that people never tell you about - worrying that the dilapidated apartment hosting a party would fall apart with you in it.

To be fair he is Lord Byron," Jane said. "I don't know many people who haven't slept with him at one time or another." -- Jane Fairfax

We all have that one friend that walks into your home like its their home

This...this...thing?" "A parsnip?" Jem suggested "A parsnip planted in satan's own garden," said Will. He glanced about. "I dont suppose there's a dog I could feed it to?" "There dont seem to be any pets about," Jem-who loved animals, even the inglorious and ill-tempered Church-observed. "Probably all poisened by parsnips," said Will.

What do you have to say for yourself, boy?" Cgerise "Sorry, Ma, I'm a sexy demon magnet?" Nick "Cherise!" Bubba "Don't you even take that tone with me, Mr. Triple-Threat-I-don't-have-to-listen-to-anyone-because-I'm-the-size-of-a-tabk. You're in the doghouse, buster. You might as well pack a bag 'cause you're going to be in there so long your name's going to be engraved on the mailbox." Cherise "Ah, what'd I do, cher?" Bubba "You dragged my baby into danger, and you-- Are you one of them?" Cherise "I'm going with whatever answer doesn't get me swatted with that bat." Savitar "Cherise, calm down. What are you doing here?" Bubba "What do you think? I'm protecting my boys. Both of you ... Because Mark values his own life and inparticular his male body parts, he called me after he got off the phone with you to tell me what the two of you were doing. You didn't honestly believe that I've been ignorant of what you and Mark do at night all these years? Did you?" Cherise "Um, yeah." Bubba "Well then you're a fool,Michael Burdette. And I'm not." Cherise

What is memory foam? How does it remember things? Does it have its own brain?” Edilyn “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Suffice it to say, it’s something future man will thank modern science for. There’s also a toilet in the bathroom.” Virag “A what in the who?” Edilyn

Who's stupid now, Jimbo?!

Wishing he'd...get the hell out the door before I do something crazy like ask him to whip out his goober.

You are a very threatening princess." "Be Careful or I'll beat you up with my tiara.

when the cheese belongs to the mitten take the horns off the roller coaster

You do it and see how hard that thing is to control. I swear it has a mind of its own." Hadyn "No sugar, that's your front tail." Edena "Edena! I can't believe you said that to your brother! Where did you hear that?" Seraphina "Good grief, Matera! I am almost 30 years old. I am the last of my friends who hasn't had a lover yet. And if that's what concerns you, then you need to talk to your son about where he's been planting that shorter front tail lately." Edena

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt

Ash went over to the closet, and Sloane maintained his stoic expression. There was no way Dex would be hiding in the closet. It was too obvious. Ash opened the door, looking unimpressed. “There’s a fuckwit naked in your closet.” Dex looked up at Ash with wide eyes. “This isn’t what it looks like. I dropped some change, it rolled under the closet door, and when I went to pick it up, my clothes fell off. True story.

You talked to your mother about Duncan's erectile dysfunction?" He glared down at her. "Has he considered taking your TV away?

You were upset. I don't want you feeling forced into anything," he pressed on, horrified at his own words. Mental. Since when did he let chivalry get in the way of a blowjob? Talk about boycotting oneself, jeez.

Yeah, I got her,” Will confirms. “Who you got?” I ask. “You, drunk girl. Come on.” He turns to lead me toward the exit, and I start to follow him, but for some reason my feet don’t work very well. “Um, Will?” “Yeah?” “I lost my feet.” “What?” he laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can’t find my feet.” Why is everyone laughing at me? This is serious!

Are you wearing space pants?" Miranda asked him. "What?" How did it end? oh, right. "Because your butt is fine." He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. "I think-" he started, then stopped and seemed to be having trouble talking. Cleared his throat three times before saying, "I think the line is 'because your butt is out of this world." "Oh. That makes a lot more sense. I can see that. See, I read this book about how to get guys to like you and they said it was a line that never failed but i got interrupted in the middle and the line before it was about china-not the country, the kind you eat off of-and that is where the fine part was but i must have gotten them confused. He just kept staring at her.

Don't look pleased with yourself. When Will says 'enterprising, ' he means 'morally deficient. '" "No, I mean enterprising, " said Will. "When I mean morally deficient, I say, 'Now, that's something I would have done.

Cabal. Cabal. Cabal. I summon you to me. Now." Simi and Kody exchanged a look that said he was as crazy as he suddenly felt when nothing happened. Great, Dad. I can look stupid on my own. Didn't really need you to help out on that front. That was his thought until he heard a curse and something slammed into him, knocking him against the wall. Nick shoved his attacker away, then froze as he looked into a pair of familiar, startled brown eyes. Now this was the giant badass-tough demon that Nick was used to. "Malphas?" Tense and braced to fight, Caleb turned around slowly, surveying every aspect of his new surroundings. He paused as he faced Kody and Simi. "Where the heck am I? And how did I get here?" Kody pointed to Nick. "Apparently, Nick summoned you." "Nick?" Caleb glanced right past Nick and kept searching the room with his gaze. "Our Nick? Where is the little booger?" She gestured even more exaggeratedly at Nick's position. "Right there." Caleb's jaw went slack as he faced him."Nick?" "Caleb?" The word had barely left his lips before Caleb grabbed him into a bear hug and held him tight. Which was extremely awkward and gross. Completely weirded out by it, Nick tried to disentangle himself from the demon. It wasn't like Caleb to show any emotion toward him other than irritation or frustration. Sometimes anger. "Stop C! If you're going to hug me like this, you got to buy me dinner first, boy. And it's got to be someplace nice, like Antoine's or Brennan's. I ain't easy or cheap." Laughing, Caleb stepped back and narrowed his eyes on Nick as he held him by his arms. "Dude . . . did you lose a bet with a sorcerer or something?" Nick gave him a droll smirk. "Don't taunt me now that I know your real name. I'm told I can do some damage to you with that. Make you fetch my slippers and stuff.

Dearly weird and motley beings, we're gathered here today for . . . yada, yada, yada. Seth say something profound and sweet to Lydia." Savitar "My Lydia is like a star rising to guide me through the darkest night." Seth "Look, kid, I can say the words for you, but I think she'd rather hear them from your lips. Ignore the assholes in the chairs. If one of them laughs, I'll gut him for you." Savitar Lydia laid her hand against his cheek and kissed his lips. "Hey, hey, hey!" Savitar snapped. "You're jumping ahead, woman. It's your turn to make a vow to him." "Love is paitent. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not proud. It is not rude. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered> It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Lydia "Yeah, okay,beings . . . now you ." Savitar "Alright then, to the handful here, let me present Mr. and Mrs. Demigod jackal beings." Savitar "You know this would be much easier if some of us had last names." Savitar to Seth and Lydia "Would you stop ruining this for them?" Ma'at "I'm not ruining it, Mennie, I'm making it memorable," Savitar

Get your filthy paws off my son, feet pue tan!" Cherise

Here. There. Everywhere." He leered at his friend. "Thinking about you and Moira's underwear.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

Hello, beautiful. Just wrap those long, sexy legs around me and I’ll ride you anywhere, any time you want.” Talfryn “This one’s all yours. Go ahead, brother, wrap your long, sexy legs right around his waist and ride him all night long.” Cadegan