Best 312 quotes of Rodney Dangerfield on MyQuotes

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I can't get no respect.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I don't get no respect