Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

...[A] good laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing... So if any one man, in his own proper person, afford stuff for a good joke to anybody, let him not be backward, but let him cheerfully allow himself to spend and be spent in that way.

A hero is smiling at the moment another hero is telling jokes.

A joke is a witticism or play on words that’s meant to be funny. I say ‘meant to be’ because most jokes aren’t funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

A joke is a question of mind over manner.

Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark.

And how should we behave during this Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don't already have one.

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's paid, it's work and not love, unless, of course he loves to work, in which case he’ll surely love working for me, because I love people who love to do that to love to do that.

At age 6 I was born without a face.

A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight. "Sure," said the farmer, "My wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they're off to college, and I'm all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up." Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway. The farmer called after him, "Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room." "I heard you," said the salesman, "but I think I'm in the wrong joke.

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and ‘rough sex’. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s only going to be you and me.

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.

And so the twins had remained virgins. Julia and Valentina watched all of their high school and college friends disappear one by one into the adult world of sex, until they were the only people they knew who lingered in the world of the uninitiated. "What was it like?" they asked each friend. The answers were vague. Sex was a private joke: you had to be there.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. “Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?” “It’s Frodo,” he said over his shoulder. “And if I was a character from L.O.T.R., I’d obviously by Strider.” Shaking his head, he continued down the trail, mumbling obscenities. “What is L.O.T.R.?” Shiv asked. “Who is this Freedo?” Both questions brought exasperated sighs from Bronson. “It stands for Lord of the Rings. Don’t you ever see any movies?” “Weren’t they books before they were movies?” Em asked. “They wrote them after,” Bronson said. Breyona winked at Danny. “That Freedo was hot,” she said loud enough for Bronson to hear. “Even with those dumb-ass furry feet, he’s my kind of cute.” Bronson threw his hands up. “Frodo. It’s Frodo. And he’s not hot!

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

Casy said, "Ol' Tom's house can't be more'n a mile from here. Ain't she over that third rise?" Sure," said Joad. "Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it." Your pa stole it?" Sure, got it a mile an' a half east of here an' drug it. Was a family livin' there, an' they moved away. Grampa an' Pa an' my brother Noah like to took the whole house, but she wouldn't come. They only got part of her. That's why she looks so funny on one end. They cut her in two an' drug her over with twelve head of horses and two mules. They was goin' back for the other half an' stick her together again, but before they got there Wink Manley come with his boys and stole the other half. Pa an' Grampa was pretty sore, but a little later them an' Wink got drunk together an' laughed their heads off about it. Wink, he says his house is a stud, an' if we'll bring our'n over an' breed 'em we'll maybe get a litter of crap houses. Wink was a great ol' fella when he was drunk. After that him an' Pa an' Grampa was friends. Got drunk together ever' chance they got.

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

Comedy is showing the world, the way it is... but with "Insane jokes...".

Bleeding for a decade For a decade, We bleed like there is no hell but the earth We bleed like we were born to dare We bleed like there is nothing alive inside. We find a clue After a decade Bleeding is just to breath Simply keeps us alive.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Comedy is reality shown in a funny way... In life there are - Accidents - Tragedy - Drama - Sadness Pleny of stuff with negative outcome...

Comrades, we are going to try to cheer you up, and our sense of humor will help us in this endeavor, although the phrase gallows humor has never seemed so logical and appropriate. The external circumstances are exactly in our favor. We need only to take a look at the barbed wire fences, so high and full of electricity. Just like your expectations. And then there are the watchtowers that monitor our every move. The guards have machine guns. But machine guns won’t intimidate us, comrades. They just have barrels of guns, whereas we are going to have barrels of laughs. You may be surprised at how upbeat and cheerful we are. Well, comrades, there are goods reasons for this. It’s been a long time since we were in Berlin. But every time we appeared there, we felt very uneasy. We were afraid we’d get sent to the concentration camps. Now that fear is gone. We’re already here.

DESDEMONA Come, how wouldst thou praise me? IAGO I am about it; but indeed my invention Comes from my pate as birdlime does from frieze; It plucks out brains and all: but my Muse labours, And thus she is deliver'd. If she be fair and wise, fairness and wit, The one's for use, the other useth it. DESDEMONA Well praised! How if she be black and witty? IAGO If she be black, and thereto have a wit, She'll find a white that shall her blackness fit. DESDEMONA Worse and worse. EMILIA How if fair and foolish? IAGO She never yet was foolish that was fair; For even her folly help'd her to an heir. DESDEMONA These are old fond paradoxes to make fools laugh i' the alehouse. What miserable praise hast thou for her that's foul and foolish? IAGO There's none so foul and foolish thereunto, But does foul pranks which fair and wise ones do.

Dark alleys, like social networks, are romantic, because you never know what might happen while I perform there every Caturday night. Cats do know, but won't tell. So don’t even ask.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.

Deuce groaned. “Ma, what sort of pie was that?” He was rubbing his stomach. “Bitter cherry. Lucy Hopewel had one at the potluck a week back, and I thought I might try it. It wasn’t good?” “It was good, Ma,” Ty said, voice flat. “Where do you get bitter cherries?” Deuce asked. “Disgruntled trees,” Ty said. He looked over his shoulder with a smirk.

Don't be ridiculous. Brussels sprouts are awful. Jail is just jail.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

End of the Summer It was end of the summer And my heart was broken but i was smiling, laughing, making jokes Like there was nothing bleeding inside As always.

. Despite the considerable horror they had felt when the SA men were bellowing crude anti-Semitic slogans, in retrospect the joke-tellers were very much aware of the boycott’s inherent absurdity: A city on the Rhine during the boycott: SA men stand in front of Jewish businesses and “warn” passers-by against entering them. Nonetheless, a woman tries to go into a knitting shop. An SA man stops her and says, “Hey, you. Stay outside. That’s a Jewish shop!” “So?” replies the woman. “I’m Jewish myself.” The SA man pushes her back. “Anyone can say that!

Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.

Everything in life is not a joke." "No, but it mostly is.

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

Finally, my watchers had to fess up. In embarrassed and genuinely polite tones, they said they had no other choice but to arrest me. Then they accompanied me to the prison across the way. As I entered, an extremely tall SS man leapt in front of me and asked: “Do you have any weapons?” “Why?” I responded. “Do I need any?

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Fuck quotes, live your life.

Here is a good joke. The little boy walks into an ice cream store, He asks for a sundae with extra hot fudge sauce. 'I'm sorry." says tje ice cream man. "Hot fudge only comes in one temperature." Mark, Florida

Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook. So that's just a humus humor spread.

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.