Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

Thou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy.

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

To this day, to this very day, except for television, I've never had a writer. Anything I've ever done on the stage, happened on the stage and I developed it from there. It started doing impressions and jokes - which I did very poorly. To this day I can't tell a joke. That sounds nuts, but it's true. I exaggerate it and it becomes a joke. Everything I've ever done I've done out on the stage and it became a performance over many many years.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

We feel that what's too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.

We have to joke about it because the alternative is to be scared

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

We're not going to have a wall [on Southern border] like now which is either non-existent or a joke.

What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke?

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.

When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law.

What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.

When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

When you cannot joke about the darkness of life, that’s when the darkness takes over.

When you put yourself in environments that continually test you, that's where all the good stories come from. That's where the jokes come from is from the shitty parts.

When you're an older woman [in a movie] you tend to be in - how did you put it? You're the brunt of the joke.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Why are you making a joke out of this?" she asks. "Because it's stupid, Nik. There's not even room in my day to think about someone else.

Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes.

When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don't know a specific joke, you can pretty much guess what it's going to be.

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

You can't just explain a joke. Either it isn't funny, or the person just totally missed the punchline.

You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else.

You do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke.

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

You get sick of jokes, you know. Either I do them on TV, and then you worry, like, "Oh, everyone's gonna see it," so you chuck it, or you just get sick of saying it. After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.

You have to make a joke every 10–15 minutes. It’s a way of keeping up morale.

You know, OK, I made a few jokes - and they killed 3000 Americans. Fair trade.

You learn to kid around and joke and not take things too seriously because somehow its all gonna work out for the best - or you're gonna make it work out

You don't make stupid jokes in art.

You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it.

You never know when you'll have a bad idea for a worse joke.

You make a joke out of everything. Life’s too painful not to.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

You've really got to start hitting the books because it's no joke out here.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

You shouldn't make jokes if it makes you so unhappy.

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

...[A] good laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing... So if any one man, in his own proper person, afford stuff for a good joke to anybody, let him not be backward, but let him cheerfully allow himself to spend and be spent in that way.

A hero is smiling at the moment another hero is telling jokes.

A joke is a witticism or play on words that’s meant to be funny. I say ‘meant to be’ because most jokes aren’t funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

A joke is a question of mind over manner.

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark.