Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before.

I performed stand-up because I didn't have to ask anyone's permission. My set was never joke-centric. It was a performance.

It ain't no joke when you lose your vinyl.

I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

Is that a joke? Please tell me you're joking. -Sophie I never joke about carnivorous bunnies. -Luca

I suppose every time [something bad happens], I have that instinct to make that joke that distracts.

It doesn't feel like you're preaching, if you can say something in a joke.

I tell the most horrible jokes.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

It devastates me now that I have been reduced to a Hollywood statistic - another joke marriage.

I tell very mean jokes.

It's not appropriate to joke about the Ku Klux Klan.

It is not a sin to be seventy but it is also no joke.

It's easy for someone to joke about scars if they've never been cut.

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I think things evolve into jokes. I don't generally write them down as jokes. I talk them out.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.

It was a bit of fun. But of course like anything that starts as a joke, people started to take it all seriously!

It was a joke, okay? If we thought it would actually be used, we wouldn't have written it!

It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

I used to joke that if acting didn't work out, poetry was my commonsense fallback.

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.

I've been burn when it comes to my hair that it ain't no joke.

I've been paying alimony since I was 14 and child support since 15. That's a joke, but not by much

I want my tombstone to read: If this is a joke, I don't get it.

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.

Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.

Jokes are very curious things psychologically.

Just because something makes you smile or laugh ... doesn't mean it's a joke.

Man, after all my grandma put into me learning the piano, that was a hard day, telling her I was telling jokes for a living.

Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

Michael Gambon telling filthy jokes and Alan Rickman talking about scrambled eggs, just really normal things, and yet they're these amazingly, superb, famous actors. I feel so privileged to have been around them on the set of Harry Potter.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

It’s a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody’s expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone’s expense.

I wanted to be funny. And I'm always acknowledged for my pranks and jokes nowadays.

I was born in the West Village in New York, and then when I was about four my family moved to what they joke is the suburbs, the Upper West Side. I lived there for most of my childhood.

Jewish comedians do the best Jewish jokes, and anyone else doing that, they don't have a right to, because they're not coming from that experience. I know that's a slightly heightened example, but it's the same thing. We're bumpkins, so we can make bumpkin jokes.

Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.

Jokes are grievances.

Jokes are unanswerable objections.

Jokes do finish themselves. I really do see them as ongoing conversations about personal themes that I ruminate on.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

Laughter is the only tenable attitude in a universe which is a joke played on itself.

Life plays the same lovely and agonizing joke on all of us.