Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

Hillary Clinton wouldn't have make a joke about wiping the server clean with a towel or now we find out about bashing old Blackberries to get rid of them or the fact that she had 13 Blackberries.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

Humor is an attitude, a survivor’s way of looking at life. It’s not about telling jokes.

Humor is when the joke's on you but hits the other fellow first -- before it boomerangs.

I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

I always joke that every novel is really about the same thing: one person's struggle against society.

I am a rune a carrot a little joke

I always joke and say I want to invent a comfortable stiletto and then retire.

I always make the joke that I go home, to one of my homes, to go and do laundry so I can go on the road again.

I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.

I am so happy that I married a comedy writer. He's never not without a joke. No matter where we are.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

I can never tell a joke, I've always found it easier to just fall over.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

I can't crack jokes because I don't have any.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I'd like to think I'd never do a gratuitous fart joke.

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

I don't do any jokes that old. I might have maybe one or two jokes from high school that I still do.

I don't really tell a joke, I react to situations. The whole thing is just looking at somebody and showing all our weaknesses and exaggerating them, and that's how it becomes funny.

I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.

I don't like to joke about dating.

I enjoy life. I always enjoy jokes.

If life a joke then I’m waiting for the punch. You all about the beef but me, I’m bout the bun.

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

If nothing is delightful without love and jokes, then live in love and jokes.

If I could email my jokes to the crowd and get the same immediate response [as during stand-up], I'd do that.

I find that when I tell lawyer jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don't think they're funny and the non-lawyers don't think they're jokes.

If life's a joke, then suicide's a bad punch line.

If you find you are not understanding my explaination for a joke, hit F5 on your browser and the page will refresh and I will explain it again.

If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.

If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far.

If you can make it sound exciting with a joke drum machine, you know you've got something.

If you can't joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what's the point of jokes? What's the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.

If you keep up with pop culture, everybody knows the joke.

If you let go of fart jokes, you've let go of a piece of humanity.

If you think something's funny, go with that. Most comedians pull jokes from a place of honesty.

I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.

If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke.

I guess I'm like Roger Miller who used to say that he didn't have as many jokes as he thought he did.

I have been sober for the longest time. Oh, it's over a decade now. No joke.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.