Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

Not everyone gets jokes. But to many jokes in one time are never good idea!

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Now you are laughing aren't you?? You just came from holiday (AS for me I don't really give a shit from holiday, from walk with friends or whatever..) You are thinking about the one fat guy and you think that you are perfect. - If you are perfect you won't be here transcend people don't have what to achieve they know and they will continue to know everything, it's useless! You have health problems, am I right? You have some buds on places which nobody wants to talk, you think that you are a bigger as a personality - but you smoke (Don't you?? You try to stop it, but again the cigarettes say "Smoke one you will be better, smoke another one you will go to heaven..." - this goes to endless does it?? You drink Alcohol - don't ya? I don't have words take a look at yourself you drink for what??? For confidence... oh my god you are fuck fagot aren't you?? You smoke, but why I know that chimneys smoke, but you?? Are you chimney, it's a joke! :D :D

Now that I had assigned myself an act without jokes, I gave myself a rule. Never let them know I was bombing

Ok, this farmer is driving down the road in his truck and he comes to a state cop in the middle of the road with the blue flashing and everything, and the farmer asks, What's the problem, Officer? The cop looks worried and nods on ahead where this pig is sitting right in the middle of the road-big damn pig- and the cop says, Got a problem with this pig in the road. So the farmer says, Hmmm. And the cop says, Hey I got an idea, Why don't we load this pig into your truck and then you take him to the zoo? And the farmer says, Well, I reckon we could do that. So they load they pig into the farmer's truck and off the farmer drives and that's that. So the next day the cop is out there on the road again because that is his usual speed trap, and who do you think drives by? The farmer--and sitting right next to him in the cab is the pig. And the pig's wearing a baseball hat! The farmer and the pig just go cruising by. So the cop shakes off the unreality of the whole situation, fires up the blue flashing light and sirens and gets scratch in 3 gears tearing out after the farmer, and caught up pretty soon and pulls the farmer over and walks up to the truck. The farmer looks real casual and says, Yessir. The cop says, Hey, I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo! And the farmer says, I did! We had a good time, too, so today I thought we'd go to the ball game. HA! HA! HA!

Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?" "No," Kyra said. "Rumor has it, she married him for his buns." Fred burst out laughing. Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad.

Old Tom giggled, "Fooled ya, huh, Ma? We aimed to fool ya, and we done it. Jus' stood there like a hammered sheep. Wisht Grampa'd been here to see. Looked like somebody'd beat ya between the eyes with a sledge. Grampa would a whacked 'imself so hard he'd a throwed his hip out–like he done when he seen Al take a shot at that grea' big airship the army got. Tommy, it come over one day, half a mile big, an' Al gets the thirty-thirty and blazes away at her. Grampa yells, 'Don't shoot no fledglin's, Al; wait till a growed-up one goes over,' an' then he whacked 'imself an' throwed his hip out.

People like Jim [a defender of punch-down rape jokes] desperately want to believe that the engines of injustice run on outsized hate—stranger rapes in dark alleys, burning crosses and white hoods—but the reality is that indifference, bureaucracy, and closed-door snickers are far more plentiful fuels.

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

On Humor – When a woman says a man has a sense of humor, she means that he has a way of lightening her mood and brightening her spirits. When a man says a woman has a sense of humor, he means that she laughs at his jokes.

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn't been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn't figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he'd customized it. Painted pink with purple stripes, the younger male could often be found cruising up and down the streets of Wolf Town, with his terrible music blaring out of the windows. The car was a ticking time bomb. Already, more than one werewolf had offered to blow it up. Orlando better enjoy it, Connor doubted he would have it for very much longer.

Second star to the right-" "-and straight on till morning? Yeah, I've heard that one before. Lit of the Ancient Homeworlds 101....

Per se, a prank is meant to thank. Rethink and thank the soft spank. And fill in the blank, Not even over drank, Knelt when they made you walk the plank.

Promises are like silly jokes, told around a table when the food is good and no one has anything to lose by telling a lie or two - lies should have been a synonym for the word 'promise' in dictionaries, but only a few people knew it.

Rape humor is designed to remind women that they are still not quite equal. Just as their bodies and reproductive freedom are open to legislation and public discourse, so are their other issues. When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are “sensitive” and branded as “feminist,” a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for “woman who does not tolerate bullshit.” Perhaps rape jokes are funny, but I cannot fathom how. Humor is subjective, but is it that subjective? I don’t have it in me to find rape jokes funny or to tolerate them in any way. It’s too close a topic. Rape is many things—humiliating, degrading, physically and emotionally painful, exhausting, irritating, and sometimes, it is even banal. It is rarely funny for most women. There are not enough years in this lifetime to create the kind of distance where I could laugh and say, “That one time when I was gang-raped was totally hilarious, a real laugh riot.

Seinfeld was typically American in that show. He was a pretty funny guy, but he had no sense of style. Tacky like a Texan tux. Tasteless dressing and tasteful jokes. That's Seinfeld for me. I would have preferred it the other way around.

Please leave my computer alone.. The only cookies I want to get are the ones I can eat.

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.

Say,' I said. "What brings you out here at this hour of the morning, for a thing like this?" 'The bus,' he said.

Security has a report of an unattended fainting goat that is loose in the building as well, sir' ''A, What?'' I Snap. 'A fainting goat' ''How do you know it faints?'' 'Guests continue to report a dead goat. Surveillance footage shows that it's just fainting' ''What a relief'' Dec says. ''Because a fainting goat is so much better than a dead one'' he turns to me 'When did your suite become a petting zoo?' ''Shut up

She points to where he went and looks to the neutral Baumen. “He—he did that to me on purpose! He’s insane. Literally, insane!” The munchkin just shrugs. “Welcome aboard!” and returns unconcerned to his work.

Some jokes are less agreeable than others

She's joking, of course, but as with all the best jokes, it contains more than a grain of truth

She was spontaneously created by the midichlorians,' I said. Both women gave me blank looks. 'Never mind.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Some men are dogs; some dogs are women.

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.

Someone said to me "You will always find the way to come back home," and i said to him "Yes only if you ask the people.

Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

Some jokes are stupid and useless, if you can't get it. It's to stupid to go in it, but whatever! - Make your choice!

Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.

Some people do not really hate aging; they merely love the colour black.

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.

Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.

Sooner or later, all talk among foreigners in Pyongyang turns to one imponderable subject. Do the locals really believe what they are told, and do they truly revere Fat Man and Little Boy? I have been a visiting writer in several authoritarian and totalitarian states, and usually the question answers itself. Someone in a café makes an offhand remark. A piece of ironic graffiti is scrawled in the men's room. Some group at the university issues some improvised leaflet. The glacier begins to melt; a joke makes the rounds and the apparently immovable regime suddenly looks vulnerable and absurd. But it's almost impossible to convey the extent to which North Korea just isn't like that. South Koreans who met with long-lost family members after the June rapprochement were thunderstruck at the way their shabby and thin northern relatives extolled Fat Man and Little Boy. Of course, they had been handpicked, but they stuck to their line. There's a possible reason for the existence of this level of denial, which is backed up by an indescribable degree of surveillance and indoctrination. A North Korean citizen who decided that it was all a lie and a waste would have to face the fact that his life had been a lie and a waste also. The scenes of hysterical grief when Fat Man died were not all feigned; there might be a collective nervous breakdown if it was suddenly announced that the Great Leader had been a verbose and arrogant fraud. Picture, if you will, the abrupt deprogramming of more than 20 million Moonies or Jonestowners, who are suddenly informed that it was all a cruel joke and there's no longer anybody to tell them what to do. There wouldn't be enough Kool-Aid to go round. I often wondered how my guides kept straight faces. The streetlights are turned out all over Pyongyang—which is the most favored city in the country—every night. And the most prominent building on the skyline, in a town committed to hysterical architectural excess, is the Ryugyong Hotel. It's 105 floors high, and from a distance looks like a grotesquely enlarged version of the Transamerica Pyramid in San Francisco (or like a vast and cumbersome missile on a launchpad). The crane at its summit hasn't moved in years; it's a grandiose and incomplete ruin in the making. 'Under construction,' say the guides without a trace of irony. I suppose they just keep two sets of mental books and live with the contradiction for now.

Sometimes when people get offended by my jokes, I say, "Bro, Joke has OK in it, so it's ok.

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.