Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Take your risks now; as you become older, you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn't even on.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid.

This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.

Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

What are you looking at sugar-tits?

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.

When mice run, cats give chase.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Ah, mistress, you’re an angel. Sure there’s not a drop left? I might have remembered one more person….” “Up yours,” I said rudely with another belch. “It’s empty. You should tell me the name anyway, after making me drink all that sewage.” Winston gave me a devious smile. “Come back with a full bottle and I will.” “Selfish spook,” I mumbled, and staggered away. I’d made it a few feet when I felt that distinct pins-and-needles sensation again, only this time it wasn’t in my throat. “Hey!” I looked down in time to see Winston’s grinning, transparent form fly out of my pants. He was chuckling even as I smacked at myself and hopped up and down furiously. “Drunken filthy pig!” I spat. “Bastard!” “And a good eve’in’ to you, too, mistress!” he called out, his edges starting to blur and fade. “Come back soon!” “I hope worms shit on your corpse!” was my reply. A ghost had just gotten to third base with me. Could I sink any lower?

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.