Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

You’d throw yourself in front of a bus for me.” She would and he knew it.He knew it and she knew that he felt that knowledge burrow deep and he liked it. Elle felt tears stinging the backs of her eyes, her body melted into his,her arms tightened around him and she whispered back, “Yes,Pren,though I hope I never get the chance.

-You have what they call the complete package, Adders. -What do you know about my package? -No that package, you idiot! You are the complete package! I wasn't talking about what's in your trousers!

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what.

You'll be better able to climb and descend stairs like a healthy person as opposed to a broken runner who navigates steps like landmines.

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

You promise?" "I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

You own your own island? Doesn't every Greek tycoon?

You're not used to early mornings, are you?" He shook his head. "Early mornings were invented by the system to keep the people occupied. But not me. I'm on to them. They're not gonna catch me napping. Metaphorically, like. Obviously, they can catch me physically napping like, four or five times a day, but, metaphorically, I am so far beyond their reach.

You’re all right, Blue Eyes.” She lifted her head to look into them. “You’re all right, down the line. You ever want a free bang, you got one coming.” “It would, no doubt be a memorable bang. But my wife is fiercely jealous and territorial.” He grinned over at a very cold-eyed Eve. “Her? You? That’s a kick in the ass.” “Every damn day,” Eve muttered, and strode out. She kept striding, out of the club, back into the comparatively fresh air of the city street. And fisted her hands on her hips as she spun to him. “Did you have to do the ‘my wife’ crap?” His grin remained, and only widened. “I did, yes. I felt a desperate need for your protection. I believe that woman had designs on me.” “I’ll put a design on you that won’t come off in the shower.” “See, now I’m excited.” Reaching out, he toyed with the lapel of her coat."What have you got in mind ?

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.” “…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.” “Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

You see that girl, she looks so happy right? But inside she's dying. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking so she keeps it all inside. Act's like everything's perfect but she cries at night, boy does she cry at night, so that everybody thinks she is the happiest person they know, that she has no problems and her life is perfect. Little do they know.

You Sure this is it?" I said. "It looks empty." "Empty? No way, there's loads of shit in there," worm replied

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

You've never heard of bagpipes?" Cody asked, sounding aghast. "They're as Scottish as kilts and red armpit hair!" "Um . . . yuck?" I said. "That's it." Cody said. "Steelheart has to fall so we can get back to educating children properly. This is an offense against the dignity of my motherland." "Great," Prof said. "I'm glad we now have proper motivation.

You took Theo's title and his home," West continued in appalled disbelief, "and now you want his wife." "His widow," Devon muttered. "Have you seduced her?" "Not yet." West clapped his hand to his forehead. "Christ. Don't you think she's suffered enough?

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?