Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

I am a great woman.

-I am alergic to these flowers. -I know.

I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her." The traffic warden frowned. "Her?" "Me," said Stephanie. "Him?" "Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her." "Me," said Stephanie. "You?" said the traffic warden. "Yes," said Stephanie. "I'm sorry, who are you?" Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it?

I am happy to pay you," she announced. "For your services." A harsh, strangled sound cut through the room. It came from him. "Pay me." She nodded. "Would say, twenty-five pounds do?" "No." Her brows knit together. "Of course, a person of your--prowess--is worth more. I apologize for the offense. Fifty? I'm afraid I can't go much higher. It's quite a bit of money.

I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb." "Except you didn't," said Gracious. "Because you weren't around." "I got bored." "You're a machine." "Machines can become bored, too." Gracious looked suddenly concerned. "My toaster is bored?" "Perhaps, " said the Engineer. "I do not know many toasters.

As things STAND now, I trust London more than I trust you. Okay, so it fell a little short of a ringing endorsement, Emmett thought as he followed Lydia into the offices of the Transverse Wave Youth Shelter. She could have been a touch more eloquent and maybe a shade more dramatic. I would trust London with my life, my fortune, and my sacred honor, would have done nicely. Or maybe, I would trust London to the ends of the universe. But he would take what he could get.

...I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. "Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, "I yelled. "I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough...my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!

I can't tell you how may beautiful women have broken up with me because they were bored. I can't tell you because it never happened. They all adored me." "It was your humility, wasn't it?

I couldn't make it in a chicken world, sir, so I hit the road in search of something better.

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?' She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock. 'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her. Oh dear God! He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded. 'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are.

I don't know what to do about him, Sammy." (Jackie) "It's not what you do about him. It's what you do with him. Grab him by those big, manly arms that I'm assuming he has, and show him what New York has to offer.

I'd say," the Ranger answered after a few seconds' deliberation, "that he'll be heading south now that he has the chance. Back into Araluen." "How do you know that?" Horace asked. He was always impressed at the two Rangers' ability to read a situation and come up with the correct answer to a problem. Sometimes, he thought, they almost seemed to have divine guidance. "I'm guessing," Halt told him.

If in doubt, cheese has been always the answer..

If this is how you feel about a desert, I can't wait until you see your first real tree. Your mind will explode.

If you've ever been there, you've never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room.

I had a date last night with my boyfriend on batteries. What does a girl have to do to get laid by a real penis?

If you want to know what the camel stole from your kitchen yesterday, then you shouldn;t slit open its stomach. You should stare into its arsehole.

I give her my best smile. Before the alien Armageddon happened, I was known for my smile. Not bragging too much, but I had to be careful never to smile while I drove. It had the capacity to blind oncoming traffic. But it has absolutely no effect on Ringer. She doesn't squint in its overwhelming luminescence. She doesn't even blink.

I had a fair idea how it felt to get spanked with a large flat surface, and my rump clenched in sympathy.

I had no idea he was barely one step up from a monkey ~ Retta

I had to make water ” I said. It was the classic female excuse and no male in recorded history had ever questioned it. “I see ” the Inspector said and left it at that. Later I would have a quick piddle behind the caravan for insurance purposes. No one would be any the wiser.

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.

I hate when writers make Draco sweet. Sorry, but Draco's a bitch. Own it. I mean, yeah, he's a ball of mush underneath, but you have to earn it with him.

i hate math, but i love counting money

... I have just experienced the most passionate kiss I've ever received from a guy, and it was on the freaking forehead!

I have chiseled features. Look. Look how chiseled they are. And my teeth are at least as white as his. You seriously think he's good-lookin'?" "I do," said Tanith. "Right," Sanguine said and nodded. "I'm gonna kill him." She kept her laugh soft so it wouldn't travel. "I think he's good-looking, but I think you're better looking." "Oh," Sanguine said. "I mean, yeah. I am. I'm glad you noticed.

I have to go. Boss has this weird idea that I should actually work while he’s paying me.

I... I don't, I don't think I can do this." "Do what?" It didn't answer. "Do the tests?" "I can't work with you when you're like this!" it blurted. "To every one of my specimens, I am the last thing they see! Terrror is what I am used to-- terror is what I like! I prefer my subjects to scream and beg, not ask to see results!" "I'll scream my questions, if that helps." "It won't," it said sadly. "I'll know you're only trying to make me feel better.

I’m sorry that I don’t like your tattoos.”I walked away. I walked back to him. “I mean that I don’t like tattoos, not just your tattoos. I like your skin, though.”I walked away.

I'm almost finished," said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it. "I never doubted you for a moment," said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. "I actually doubted him the whole time. He's really not very good." Wilhelm turned. "I'm standing right in front of you. I can hear literally every sound you make." "Wilhelm, please," said Vex, "this is a private conversation.

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

I’m twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I’m the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.

NO MATING.

Is this base? Is this base?

In order to keep your head about you and apply the teachings of the Aincrad style, it was essential to keep its secret motto in mind: "stay cool.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.

I think I kind of like the idea of you all cold and wet." "Oh right, I'll be at my best; no visible balls, and a dick that looks like a Chiclet..." "I can fix that," laughed Connor.

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

It’s so … normal.” “I don’t eat small children.” “Shocking.

It was like bouncing tennis balls off a mystery piece of furniture and deducing, from the direction in which the balls ricocheted, whether it was a chair or a table or a Welsh dresser.

It was so fast. So fast. One minute she was reaching, reaching, almost touching the center of ecstasy itself. The next she was convulsing with something so hot with throbbing pleasure that it was almost pain. An inhuman cry tore out of her throat as she went up like a Chinese rocket and exploded into a million flaming pieces of pure joy.

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.' 'You smell terrible.' 'That's the smell of evil.' 'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.' 'Evil," Scapegrace insisted.

It doesn't mean anything to him, she can see by his now-furious glare. He inhales to start shouting, she has no idea what but she doesn't want to hear it, and before he can she snaps, "I'm here to fuck you, Earth burn it. Is that worth disturbing your beauty rest?

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

It made her want to have his babies and give him both her kidneys.

It me birthday and nobody came...Bigfoot decide do something nice for self for big day and sneak in they house at night and pick out own present and blow out flickering candle of life in they brains. Make a wish, jerks.

It's not so bad." Melancholia looked at her. "You're lying." "I'll get used to it. So will you." "I... I don't think I'll be able to." "I'll be there to help when you need it." "But I hate you." Valkyrie smiled. "No you don't." "No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff." "We actually became friends in those caves." "That's not what happened, " said Melancholia. "We're pals. We're buddies.” "If my wrists weren't in shackles, my hands would be round your throat." "You want to hug my throat because we're friends.

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth

I used to think boners literally pointed in the direction of the person you're attracted to, like a compass. That would be helpful. Mortifying as fuck, but at least it would clarify things.