Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

I want to focus on my salad.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Motown, Motown, that's my era. Those are my people.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

No ideas and the ability to express them - that's a journalist.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.

Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Take your risks now; as you become older, you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn't even on.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid.

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.