Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

Most nobodies are somebodies and most somebodies are nobodies somewhere.

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so yourself." "Too proud to crawl?" Kelsier said. "Nosense! Why, I'd say that we Mistborn are too proud not to be humble enough to go crawling about--in a dignified manner, of course." Dockson frowned, approaching the desk. "Kell, that didn't make any sense." "We Mistborn need not make sense.

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.

Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).

Mr. Rochester grunted. "Miss Eyre, listen to me. I believe there is a string below your rib, and it stretches across class and age to me, and it is attached beneath my rib. And if you find another suitable position, and leave me, you will pull it out. And I will bleed.

Mr. Babcock pats my shoulder. He smiles, and the caterpillar mustache — the envy of state troopers everywhere, I'm sure — straightens out again. I hear that on the weekends, he's a part-time security guard with mirrored sunglasses and a gun. He probably poses in front of his bathroom mirror to see how he looks saying "Freeze!

Mr. Benedict: "After I woke up and composed myself, however, I realized the flowers must certainly be yours, Constance, to do with as you please. At any rate -- " Mr.Benedict broke off, for just then Constance jumped to her feet, snatched the bouquet from his desk, and hurled it into the wastebasket with all the force she could muster -- so hard that flower petals flew up out of the wastebasket like tiny pink butterflies. Then placing her hands against the wall to steady herself, she stomped one foot repeatedly into the wastebasket as if trying to put out a fire. "I see we are of the same opinion," said Mr. Benedict as Constance returned to her seat, and the others congratulated her on her judgment.

My greatest privilege is being married to a gentle loving husband. I am very grateful God made our path cross.

My inner caveman demands she knows I'm a good provider. I'll get her the best booth, order any food she wants, kill potential predators, and buy her the best cave on the block".

Nat is already laughing. We go through this every morning. She tells Nik I own a clown car. I glower at her while I put my foot up onto Nik’s lap and kick the passenger door while turning the ignition. She starts. Works every time. Nik looks like he’s not sure whether to laugh or get the hell out of the car. We’re on our way to work and Nat says, “Nik, turn on the radio.” He shakes his head and replies cynically, “I would but I’m scared the roof might fly off.” Nat and I burst into laughter. We laugh so much we both sob and laugh at the same time.

Nicolas Morganti had stalked back into her life, stamped his foot, and demanded to stay.

Night descended on Roarhaven like a woolly blanket of blackness with holes in it that were the stars.

Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.' 'Which one?' 'Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.' 'Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?' Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.' 'Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.

No," Nathan grumbled. "Like, not piss on him, just all around him." Stuart raised an eyebrow. "Nath, you need to chill. We're in a bar, a busy bar. We can't stop people talking to each other." "I know but-" "Look, don't worry about it," Stuart insisted. "Try not to turn into a bunny boiler just yet.

No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose all sense." Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. "Want to know a secret?" "Sure." "It's not the bathtub, baby." Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it. "What are you looking for?" "A pea Your Majesty." "What?" "You heard me." I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch. "Getting slow in your old age." "I thought you liked it slow." A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop. He laughed. "Ran out of snappy comebacks?" "Hush. I'm trying to think of one.

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

Nothing like a bit of flattery to grease the wheels.

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

NOTHING HAS EVER LOOKED LIKE THAT EVER IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY,” he said. His enthusiasm was adorable. I couldn’t resist leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. “Just so you know, I’m right here,” Mom said. “Sitting next to you. Your mother. Who held your hand as you took your first infantile steps.” “It’s friendly,” I reminded her, turning to kiss her on the cheek. “Didn’t feel too friendly,” Gus mumbled just loud enough for me to hear. When surprised and excited and innocent Gus emerged from Grand Gesture Metaphorically Inclined Augustus, I literally could not resist.

Now that he knew there was the possibility of gay porn in his future he was a happy hamster.

No way, that would kill my diet for the week. I don't know how you can stand to eat so unhealthy, Quinn. Just consider it an amuse-biatch.

No, you don’t get to touch yourself in my car.” “Why not?” It wasn’t a whine, it wasn’t. My voice was too deep to whine. It was more of a… whoan. Or something. I couldn’t think. “Three reasons. One, I don’t want to get into an accident trying to keep my eyes on you. Two, if I got into an accident, or if we were pulled over for indecent exposure, the mood killing would be the least of our problems. Three,” and here it was, the tone I loved, that I could barely wait for even though I knew I wasn’t going to like what he had to say, “for the rest of the night, that’s mine. Don’t touch it.

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

Oh, god…” I whimper. “I haven’t done anything yet, baby,” Colton growls. “I know,” I pant. “I was just saying your name.

Oh, my God!" Ignatius bellowed from the front of the house. "What an egregious insult to good taste.

Okay," she said as he lit the candle and hummed the birthday song. "You know,this is all very Jake Ryan of you." "Who's Jake Ryan?" "The hottie from Sixteen Candles—the best teenage movie ever made. The last scene looks just like this," she said, looking around the room. "All right, well, don't you go wishing for him when you blow out the candle." "I love you,Jace. You're the only thing I want.

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid." "What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner. "Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship?

Oh, poor baby,” she said, mimicking his drawl. “Whew. You’re back. There was this other Susie here a minute ago, and she was really nice to me. She scared the shit out of me.” She laughed. “They locked her back up in the loony bin.” “Good, because there’s only one Susie for me—the one who calls me on my crap and doesn’t let me get away with jack shit. That’s the Susie I need. That’s the Susie I’ve missed coming home to over the last year.” He kissed her. “And that’s the Susie who’s going to leave a gaping hole in my heart and my life if she doesn’t give me another chance.

Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn't been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn't figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he'd customized it. Painted pink with purple stripes, the younger male could often be found cruising up and down the streets of Wolf Town, with his terrible music blaring out of the windows. The car was a ticking time bomb. Already, more than one werewolf had offered to blow it up. Orlando better enjoy it, Connor doubted he would have it for very much longer.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

Once there was an elephant, Who tried to use the telephant- No! no! I mean an elephone He tried to use the telephone- (Dear me! I am not certain quite That even now I've got it right.) Howe'er it was, he got his trunk Entangled in the telephunk; The more he tried to get it free, The louder buzzed the telephee- (I fear I'd better drop the song Of elephop and telephong!)

People have been sleeping and/or marrying their way to the top since the first cavewoman said: ‘Ugh, that one’s the strongest and has the biggest club. I’ll shake my mastodon-skin-covered ass at him.’” “Ugh?” “Or whatever cave people said. And it’s not just women who do it. Cave guy goes: ‘Ugh, that one catches the most fish, I’ll be dragging her off to my cave now.’ Ava sees Tommy and—” “Says ugh.” “Or today’s equivalent thereof.” -Eve & Roarke. .

Over his shoulder, she saw Skulduggery walk in. "Oh, hell," she muttered. Wreath's smile reappeared. "It's Skulduggery, isn't it?" Over his shoulder, she saw Skulduggery walk in. "Oh , hell," she muttered. Wreath's smile reappeared. "It's Skulduggery, isn't it?" "Please don't annoy him." "Me? When have I EVER annoyed the great Skulduggery Pleasant?" Skulduggery arrived at their table. Wreath smile up at him. "Hello." "I will shoot you in the eye," Skulduggery said. Wreath glanced at Valkyrie. "I think I've annoyed him.

Pamela pulled off her cloak and Alexei gasped. "You have on breeches!" He stared in disbelief. "Breeches!" "I've never worn them before, and they are extremely comfortable. I quite like them." She smoothed the fabric over her hip. "Besides, you don't expect me to duel in a dress, do you?" "I do not expect you to duel at all!" Pamela ignored him. "That would be most unfair, dueling in a dress, unless, of course, you would be willing to wear a dress as well?" "Don't be absurd." He snorted in disdain. "I have no intention of ever wearing women's clothing again." "Again?" She raised a brow. "It was an unavoidable disguise," he muttered.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

People change. Sometimes I think they don't know they're changing until it's already happened, though. You get so used to being one person, it's weird when you wake up and everything is different.

Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? 'Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? 'Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

Portia followed after, a smirk on her face, and Syc hissed as he passed. Donegan waited till they were gone, then swung round to Gracious. "He hissed at me." "He hissed at you." "Should I hiss back?" "It's a bit late." "He could still hear." "Not unless you run after him." "Do you think I should?" "Probably not." "I think I should." "It'd be a bit weird." "You might be right." Donegan pursed his lips, then shook his fist at the doorway. "That showed him," said Gracious. Donegan nodded. "He'll think twice about hissing at me again.

Please don't arrest me." "Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop." "Are you sure?" "Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure." "You could be undercover.

Physical development was alleged to assist spiritual and intellectual development, while also helping safeguard boys from the 'solitary and sexual sin' of masturbation.

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.