Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

I still love her. But she's retarded, too.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

I think god gave us talent because he screwed up our hair

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

Its easy to have kids, people try to scare you into thinking "oh its hard to have kids" Its not. I have two, and I have no idea where they are right now. Kids are adorable, someone will always take care of them.

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I want to focus on my salad.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

Motown, Motown, that's my era. Those are my people.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

No ideas and the ability to express them - that's a journalist.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.