Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

You see that girl, she looks so happy right? But inside she's dying. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking so she keeps it all inside. Act's like everything's perfect but she cries at night, boy does she cry at night, so that everybody thinks she is the happiest person they know, that she has no problems and her life is perfect. Little do they know.

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.” “…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.” “Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

You Sure this is it?" I said. "It looks empty." "Empty? No way, there's loads of shit in there," worm replied

You took Theo's title and his home," West continued in appalled disbelief, "and now you want his wife." "His widow," Devon muttered. "Have you seduced her?" "Not yet." West clapped his hand to his forehead. "Christ. Don't you think she's suffered enough?

You've never heard of bagpipes?" Cody asked, sounding aghast. "They're as Scottish as kilts and red armpit hair!" "Um . . . yuck?" I said. "That's it." Cody said. "Steelheart has to fall so we can get back to educating children properly. This is an offense against the dignity of my motherland." "Great," Prof said. "I'm glad we now have proper motivation.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

If you're a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted.

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.