Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Motown, Motown, that's my era. Those are my people.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

No ideas and the ability to express them - that's a journalist.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.

Take your risks now; as you become older, you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn't even on.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.

This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid.

Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.