Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I still love her. But she's retarded, too.

I think god gave us talent because he screwed up our hair

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Its easy to have kids, people try to scare you into thinking "oh its hard to have kids" Its not. I have two, and I have no idea where they are right now. Kids are adorable, someone will always take care of them.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

I want to focus on my salad.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

Motown, Motown, that's my era. Those are my people.

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

No ideas and the ability to express them - that's a journalist.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.