Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

If you're a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

I still love her. But she's retarded, too.

I think god gave us talent because he screwed up our hair

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Its easy to have kids, people try to scare you into thinking "oh its hard to have kids" Its not. I have two, and I have no idea where they are right now. Kids are adorable, someone will always take care of them.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I've had great success being a total idiot.