Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

If you're a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

I still love her. But she's retarded, too.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

I think god gave us talent because he screwed up our hair