Best 501 quotes in «hilarious quotes» category

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

If you're a kid who was not especially a star in your high school, I recommend going to a college in the middle of nowhere. I got all the attention I could ever have wanted.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior.

I still love her. But she's retarded, too.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.