Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

On the toilet no one is a star. Remember that and you will go far in life.

On the topic of winning, and the lottery: You can't lose if you don't play, therefore not losing , is winning!

Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn?" - Moose in reference to Jadyn's "burning bush" -

On those who judge, illusions are entertaining; In honestly, I find error in some of their truth.

Opportunity comes to everyone it depends on you whether you take it or leave it. Learn to take risks and play hard because at the end you'd be thankful for your struggle.

Opera?" Trelon asked tiredly, "What the hell is opera?" "I'll tell you what it is! It is the screeching of the death birds, that 's what it is! Capturing Cara (Dragon Lords of Valdier, #2)

Optimism is a gift, but one that must be carefully controlled. Your hopeful optimism will get us all killed!

Opposities are married.

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

Or should I say that he is like the hand that is able to scratch your itchy parts with the perfect amount of strength!

Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me!

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Our guy has a property office, John. And I don't mean the Property Office here in One PP. I mean the huge fucking storage facility. A guy in there, with access to thousands of fucking handguns. Even the ones that other people would be keeping an eye on, like Son of Sam's piece, for fuck's sake - a guy in there who'll just boost them and give them to our guy to kill people with. And if the guns are too famous, he'll cut his own slugs out of the bodies and walk away. This guy, our guy, he's actually starting to scare me a bit right now." "A couple of hundred kills to his name didn't do that?" "Meh. I dream about killing two hundred people every fucking night." "You know," said Tallow, "whenever I'm in danger of forgetting you're CSU, you always find a way to remind me.

Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked.

Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.

Pan Bilbo ho naučil i číst a psát — nic zlýho tím ovšem nemyslel a doufám, že z toho nic zlýho nevzejde

Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.

Paranoid means you are aware of 10% of the problem

. . . parent could embarrass their kids during the teenage years, but only a true virtuoso could embarrass them into their twenties and beyond.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Passion + Vision +Skill + Mentoring = Success.

Patients, beings who want to be rehabilitated, send me questions See? I answer them real fast, 1 2 3 done Like so You get?' Toby said, his pale green fingers clattering across the keyboard. 'I think so,' I said, shifting in my chair. 'Okay hear we go First question: I just moved to a new city and there's a school next door All the kids, every last student, wear the same clothes Are they all related Is this one of those mafia families I need to be careful around You know the answer? Toby asked, swiveling to face me. 'Perhaps,' I said after thinking a moment. It took a second to distinguish when the question ended and when Toby's remarks started. 'You sure, I can check real quick 1 2 3 I check that fast,' Toby said, his words zooming out of his mouth while Google search engine popped up on his computer screen.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

Patriotism is the narcissism of countries.

People ask me where I got my x-ray powers. I inherited them from my parents in parental supervision. Erase the dots and your doubts if you think that I was 'raysed' alone.

People are lot like peanuts... It's not what's on the outside that matters, and that damn shell just gets shucked into the trash anyhow.

People are so poor around these parts, they eat their cereal with a fork to save on milk. They gotta take the bus to do a drive-by

People do not start off stupid, they grow to be stupid.

People said, 'go over his head' I went through his pockets, he wasn't expecting that!!

People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short time and then they sack me. A film broker once told me, as she terminated my contract, that I have a misleading sort of face. "You're pretty", she complained. "Your features are symmetrical and there was an article in Grazia that says human beings are programmed to find those with symmetrical features more pleasing to they eye. So this isn't my fault, I was simply responding to a biological imperative. You've even teeth, so when you smile, you look...sweet, I suppose. But you're not, are you?" "I hope not," I said. "You see, there you go again. You're a smart-arse and you've no ability to filter your thoughts---" "And my thoughts are often abrasive." "Exactly." "I'll just get my brushes and sponges and leave." "If you would.

People who always arrive early aren't worth waiting for.

People take power trips at the most inopportune times.

People were good at imagining hells, and some they occupied while they were alive.

People of understanding, pursue peace.

People think I am younger then I really am, because I act so immature.

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

People who think animals have expressionless faces are like people who can ignore an open package of Oreos. Not quite human.

Percival pinched his lips, sending his laugh to his eyes.

Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else. Really what I wanted was the cigarette.

Perhaps the best thing for the princess would have been to fall in love. But how a princess who had no gravity could fall into anything is a difficulty–perhaps the difficulty.

phase two of Operation Fish and CHIPs (Clean House of the Idiot Piranhas)

Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in the not-so-distant future. If so, let's roll. I'm ready. My toaster will never be the boss of me. Get ready to make me some Pop-Tarts, bitch.

Play and be happy.

Piter: Ah-ah, Baron! Is it not regrettable you were unable to devise this delicious scheme by yourself? Baron: Someday I will have you strangled, Piter. Piter: Of a certainty, Baron. Enfin! But a kind act is never lost, eh? Baron: Have you been chewing verite or semuta, Piter?

- Pieprzyłaś się z nim, tak? - Musisz być taka wulgarna? - Oj, zapomniałam, że ty podczas stosunku zawsze słyszysz dźwięki kwartetu skrzypcowego w tle. Nie chciałabym zagłuszyć skrzypiec, ale lepiej żebyś zbudziła się z tych marzeń.

Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.

...pokupio se, kao s loše predstave, s jastukom u ruci i zaspao na kauču u dnevnom boravku.