Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

I wonder whether if I had an education I should have been more or less a fool that I am.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.

I would have made a good pope.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

Japan is, you often feel, an improved version of the United States.

Judges don't age. Time decorates them.

Just because your ad looks good is no insurance that it will get looked at. How many people do you know who are impeccably groomed... but dull?

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

Life is too transcendentally humorous for a man not to take it seriously. Compared with it, Death is but a shallow jest.

Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

Living, as I do, in an educated and scientific atmosphere, I could not have conceived that the first principles of zoology were so little known. Is it possible that you do not know the elementary fact in comparative anatomy, that the wing of a bird is really the forearm, while the wing of a bat consists of three elongated fingers with membranes between?

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full.

Look at Gleason in The Honeymooners. He was humorous but the way he lived wasn't really humorous. He was a bus driver. Who wants to be a bus driver? He didn't have any money and he was not famous. But despite that, the show is humorous.

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It is the finest place to die in - it has always been acknowledged. It has a joie de mourir quite its own.

Life's too short for chess.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.

Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?'

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Love has been taken away from the poets, and has been brought within the domain of true science. It may prove to be one of the great cosmic elementary forces. When the atom of hydrogen draws the atom of chlorine towards it to form the perfected molecule of hydrochloric acid, the force which it exerts may be intrinsically similar to that which draws me to you. Attraction and repulsion appear to be the primary forces. This is attraction.

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Luck is the residue of design.

Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan.

Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.