Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

... As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.

A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others.

Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge

A witty saying proves nothing.

Back in the late '90s, I put together a humorous newsmagazine program called 'The Awful Truth' for Bravo. We helped one guy get an organ transplant whose insurance company had refused to pay. I thought, if we could save a guy's life in a 10-minute segment on cable, what could we do if we devoted a whole movie to a whole bunch of people?

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

Bargaining is a repulsive habit; compromise is one of the highest human virtues - the difference between the two being that the first is practised on the Continent, the latter in Great Britain.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

Be comfortable with who you are', reads the headline on the Hush Puppies poster. Are they mad? If people were comfortable with who they were, they'd never buy any products except the ones they needed, and then where would the advertising industry be?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

Beer is a wholesome liquor.....it abounds with nourishment

Being bored is an insult to oneself.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath - black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Being seventy is not a sin. It's not a joy, either.

Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

Brothers are a blessing for one thing. There is no possibility of any young lady getting unreasonably conceited if she be endowed with them.

Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.