Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

It’s human nature to view life from our own reality. This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than 30 seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

It's hard to tread lightly when you continue to accumulate.

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than thirty seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

It's just going to add to him thinking that I am a crazy, wanky, greenie, hybriddriving hippie," I complained. "Has he seen your bomb of a car?" Fran asked in disbelief. "Greenpeace arranges a protest every time it leaves your driveway.

It's like somebody stuffed him in a barrel full of moonshine-proof cluelessness and then left him there to get pickled in it while it fermented into malice.

It's more like how some people can't help but bring out the not necessarily righteous parts of your personality. Like how you meet someone and instantly know they're a full-time professional victim, and no matter how hard you try, something takes over and you can't help needling them.

It’s mind-blowing and delicious and better than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at the end of a rainbow.

It's not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony used to print it is the exact typeface Kubrick used for the posters and title sequences of 'Eyes Wide Shut' and '2001'. 'It's Futura Extra Bold,' explains Tony. 'It was Stanley's favorite typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers too. Clean and elegant.' 'Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to talk about?' I asked. 'God, yes,' says Tony. 'Sometimes late into the night. I was always trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to his sans serifs.

It's not polite to ask if a man has a big salami in his pants, okay?

It's okay to chase your tail now and then. Just make sure you know what to do with it when you catch it.

Its not your fault for not being there. Its my fault for thinking you would be

It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly.

It's Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa. [In regards to moving out of dorms and having three bathrooms between 4 roomates]

It’s SpongeBob, Eleanor,” he said, speaking very slowly and clearly as though I were some sort of idiot. “SpongeBob SquarePants?” A semi-human bath sponge with protruding front teeth! On sale as if it were something completely unremarkable! For my entire life, people have said that I’m strange, but really, when I see things like this, I realize that I’m actually relatively normal.

It’s Savannah, the land of dishing-the-dirt and all things fried.

It's Wednesday my dudes.

I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who’d fallen in love with both a vampire and a werewolf. I’d already seen it a million times, so my eyelids grew heavy, fairly quickly. Ten minutes later I was out cold in my bed and dreaming of Duncan, who turned into a werewolf and was trying to kill my own vampire boyfriend. Every time I tried to see the vampire’s face, however, it was a blur.

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

It was a hot, moist armpit of a night...

It was entirely possible, she saw now, for them to have their cake and rape and murder it, too.

It was [Hugh's] omnipresent fear that some woman might be foisted on him who would turn out to be an adventuress and would blackmail him. This preoccupation made it almost impossible for him to engage a secretary.

It was like a nightclub rave… at 10 am… for moms and toddlers… in a library.

It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.

It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck.

It wasn't a lie, not at all like one of those lies she told herself all the time, like This is the last drink of the evening, or I'm not going to set the bitch's house on fire.

It wasn’t until someone kicked his legs that Nik woke up. Alek, snoring beside him, his head resting on his shoulder. Ban snoring on the other couch, the noise rivaled only by the dog. He looked into the impossibly cranky face of Zach Sheridan. “Y’all get food?” “We had a full refrigerator before you three got here.” “Where I come from, we don’t let the refrigerator get empty.” “Where you come from, you marry your sister.

It was possible that he was making some progress in his mental health condition by seeing me.

It was the job of people like me to make up reasons, to spin a plausible yarn. And it’s amazing what people will believe. Heavy selling out of the Middle East was an old standby. Since no one ever had any clue what the Arabs were doing with their money or why, no story involving Arabs could ever be refuted. So if you didn’t know why the dollar was falling, you shouted out something about Arabs.

It was the time of year that makes every poet’s heart sing and every lawyer question their life choices.

It was the ship of dreams to everyone else.

It was the study hour. Most of the monks were reading. A few were meditating, an activity that was suspiciously similar to dozing.

It would look pretty messed up to be a social worker and have dried kid blood as a permanent stain in your vehicle.

I used to wonder what I was doing wrong. Now I know: just about everything.

I’ve been focusing on my career. I’ve had no time. That’s why I wanted to go out this weekend. I’ve been storing that shit up like a sexual camel. At this point I’d probably just walk into the bar, blow my load all over the room like a fire hose, and walk out.

I've been waiting for this a long time."-Martin "Let me guess that you're wishing for your IQ to break double figures?"- Alex V.

I’ve had a lot of food but if you don’t jiggle me too much you can have your wicked way with me.

I've admired a lot of people in my life time and some of them were actually alive.

I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know.

I've fucked you, licked you, bound you, flogged you, and spanked you. Jesus, Lilly, how much more do you want to get to know each other?

I’ve got more faith in my shotgun than any man, that’s for sure.

I've had a lifetime of ought from can to can't (from the first moment in the morning when you can see to the last moment in the evening when you can't

I've learned my lesson. I know nothing.

I've never really learned how to do this. When we hunted, we had people to take care of what we caught." "I thought you hunted with birds." "We did." "So the birds caught the animals, other people cleaned them... When you say 'hunting,' do you really mean 'going for a walk'?

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Ivy’s taken me to her parent’s house... I was originally lured into her car with the promise of a burrito. Ivy did not mention going to her parent’s house at all. She had only said, “Hop in Jane, we’re getting burritos.” Blinded by my affection for burritos, I jumped into the car like an unwitting pig on its way to a slaughterhouse.

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother." Artemis Set and Bathymaas laughed. Apollo, not so much.

I walked back by way of the sea-lions' enclosure to refresh my eyes with the King Penguin's perfect ecclesiastical tailoring. He was pacing moodily about as usual, in what one felt to be the interval between a marriage ceremony and a funeral service. Much better, I thought, to have left the 2000 a year to him. No harm would then be done, and what perfect episcopal garden-parties he could give with it!

I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I've known him since dirt was new, Papaw laughed. We go way back... Dawg Papaw, that's a long time! Mark exclaimed.