Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

It's remarkable - most remarkable, the way these people manage, from time to time, a tragedy or a near-tragedy to break the even tenor of their ways,' said Mr. Tingley, in a tone of half-humorous superiority, by which he considered that he distinguished himself, subtly and inoffensively, from 'these people.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows.

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.

It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever - unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime.

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.

It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I've been things and seen places.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

I've heard Eric Clapner, ... I think it was a wonderful thing that Eric Clapner the musician did...So I think that's the wonderful part about it, but listen - I like Eric Clapner!

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

I've spent enough time with soldiers to know that once they get to know you and they loosen up and become themselves, they are some of the biggest hams and most charismatic, cocky, fun, humorous guys I've ever met.

I wanted to do an hour-long show, and I wanted to something that was dramatic and sometimes funny and humorous, as well. I'm just delighted to have this opportunity to be a part of this project.

I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly.

I was not elected to produce a pile of vetoes.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

I was on Batman with "Superheavy" or "Zero Year" where there was a lot of fun and bombast, but it was also personal. [In All-Star], I wanted to take that to its complete extreme, like the end of the Earth extreme, where it's over-the-top humorous, yet at the same time really deeply about what I think is of this particular moment in time, at least for me. The things I'm terrified of and the things I'm hopeful about. My life is the page.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I would have made a good pope.

I wonder whether if I had an education I should have been more or less a fool that I am.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

Japan is, you often feel, an improved version of the United States.

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Judges don't age. Time decorates them.

John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.