Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Suffering is the sorrow of joy.

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.

Superfast beings shouldn't piss off the comics geek-girl.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Surrender to the ridiculous

Surely after a milkshake has been shaken, shouldn't it be called a milkshook?

- Szépen vagyunk - mondta anya. (...) Egyetlen családtagunk büszkélkedhet normális párkapcsolattal, az is szociopata.

Switzerland is only bearable covered with snow," Aunt Augusta said, "like some people are only bearable under a sheet.

Taggle was absorbed in the meat pie. ‘It’s covered in BREAD,’ he huffed. ‘What fool has covered MEAT with BREAD?

TAKE Risk because you never know how absolutely perfect something could turn out to be..

Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge.

Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a moth saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".

Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".

Tanner: I think that I might kiss you to keep your lips busy with something other than insulting me. Ella: If you think you can do it without getting lost.

Tas had been teasing Flint unmercifully all morning, calling him "Seamaster" and "Shipmate" asking him the price of fish, and how much he would charge to Ferry them back across the lake. Flint finally threw a rock at him, and Tennis sent ass down to the lake to scrub out the pans.

Teachers are the original hoarders; we've even been known to collect useless information...

Tate and Marty exchanged indignant looks. Tate pointed to the kitchen door behind Marty, then hooked a thumb at the back door and gave Marty a nod. Before Mel could figure out what they were up to, they were both lying on the floor of the kitchen, blocking the exits. “What is this? Occupy Fairy Tale Cupcakes?!” Angie asked. “What do you think you’re doing?” “We’re in protest mode.” Tate said. “We’re going to limp and we’re going to lie here until you agree to let us come along.” “Are you kidding me?” Mel asked. “What if I don’t give in? Are you going to hold your breath until you turn blue?” She watched Tate lift his head and look at Marty. He raised his eyebrows in silent question, and Marty gave him a small nod. “Thanks for the idea,” The kitchen door slammed into his side, and Marty grunted but still held his ground. The kitchen door didn’t budge. “Hey, the door is stuck,” Oz yelled from the other side.

Tears are kind of like urine. There's only so long you can hold them in.

Teeny, it’ll never be a fair fight with Harry. You’re his Cadillac Ranch…but he’s your Chernobyl.” ~ Ruthie

Tell me, Mr. Bennet, how can we amuse you during your visit? Do you hunt?” Lady Catherine was spooning her turtle soup, blowing delicately to cool it. “I am certain an animal would sooner die of laughter than gunshot wound if I even made the attempt.

Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen." -Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971

Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.

Tenderhearted people are silent sufferers they just learn the art to fly with broken wings.

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so. The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

Thanks for bringing me here,' I say. With my awful mood, I owe her that. 'Anytime, baby. We haven't hung out in a while. Somebody decided I wasn't cool anymore. I thought I was still cool, so whatever.' She sips from her steaming mug of coffee.

That brow arched once more. "Does it? You think people will believe it when the truth is that I ruined you on an abandoned estate before your father stormed the house with a rifle?" She hesitated. "I would not call it storming." "He fired several rounds at my house. If that isn't storming, I don't know what is.

That?" I glanced back to the door where JT had disappeared. "That was Genus Homo, species Whowantstofuckus, subspecies Closeted Headup Hisassia. Let us move on to the cages with the interesting animals." --Jacob "Yasha" Livingston

That is my story. Believe what you will. I remember it all; I remember it still.

That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!" Kylie faced her with a growl, causing Kat to reach over and smack her on the upper arm...hard, "Cut its out! You don not get to play the I'm-so-dark-and- twisty-I-deserve-to-be-punished card.

That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!" "Cut it out! You do not to play the I'm-so-dark-and twisty-I deserve-to-be-punished card.

That's funny , " said Freddy . " I've always wanted to be thin . Always . Sort of slender and willow . I've never seen a pig like that , but I see no reason why one shouldn't be . . . pp122-123

That's all you need? Easy. I love you.Okay? Want it louder?I love you. Spell it out schould I l-o-v-e y-o-u. Want it backwards You love I.

That's funny , " said Freddy . " I've always wanted to be thin . Always . Sort of slender and willowy . I've never seen a pig like that , but I see no reason why one shouldn't be . . . " pp. 122-123

That's a good attitude. You should hate me more, curse me more, and detest me! Then you should take the power of that hatred and use it to survive this rotten world.

That’s crazy,” Gabriel said. “We must be seventy million years in the past.” “Nearly a hundred and twenty-five million,” Ohin said. “It seems far, but time is really interrelational. Every moment is just as far from every other. “Right,” Gabriel said. “Of course. That makes perfect sense.” Sema was right. He was at a breaking point. And he broke right past it. His eyes rolled up in his head and he passed out, falling back into the mattress of the bed.

That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.

That scientifically savvy philosopher Daniel Dennett pointed out that evolution counters one of the oldest ideas we have: 'the idea that it takes a big fancy smart thing to make a lesser thing. I call that the trickle-down theory of creation.

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights)

That widow’s peak is preposterous. God. It really makes you feel the sad dearth of widow’s peaks in daily life. We could, like, use him as breeding stock to seed widow’s peaks into the populace.”“My god. What’s with all the mating and seed talk?”“I’m just saying,” Zuzana said reasonably. “I’m crazy about Mik, okay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do my part for the proliferation of widow’s peaks. As a favor to the gene pool. You would, too, right? Or maybe…” She shot Karou a sidelong glance. “You already have?

The average adult has had sex innumerable times more than they have formed an opinion of their own.

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

The bar lights glittered on the wet pavement, and jazz wailed out of the open doors of the bars, collinding with the more discordant, driving beats coming from the strip joints, where bored-looking dancers, both male and female, gyrated their hips and humped poles and pretended to be sexy.

The baby, not too young to start knowing the ledge, the cold truth, the life-and-death facts of it all. 'What kind of heaven is that, you can't have your records?' The baby, understanding perhaps it was purely rhetorical, made no attempt to answer this question.

The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, indeed, that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough." -Chapter 3

THE Biggest enemy of Truth is known as Facts in our Society

the best of" show was completely gone and we were in big trouble, except we didn't really care.

The bus I am riding on must be on its way to a garbage convention. Never before has a more rancid assemblage of people congregated. I am at this moment privy to a momentous moment in the history of human smell. My name will probably be memorized by future students, preparing to answer this frequently asked exam question: Who demonstrated a supernatural ability to remain conscious on the most disgusting vehicle to ever disturb our debauched world?

The closest I ever came to a near death experience was living in LA.