Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I believe that 'love' and 'wrong' are two deeply unrelated words that should never be thrown into the same sentence together. Like 'dessert' and 'broccoli.

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

I bet that dog-walking trollop called the cops on us.

I came here with Fat Willie for some beer. He got me drunk, rolled me up in the carpet, and stuck me under the bench,' I answered truthfully.

I can be a regular bitch. Just try me.

I can look a whole day with delight upon a handsome picture, though it be but of an horse.

I can do anything a man can do except get a hard-on--and that's only because I lack the equipment.

I can actually feel the house getting dirty. Like I have nerve endings in the carpet. - Allyson

I can do this," I say. "On my own. Let me prove it." He doesn't look convinced. "Come on, give me a chance to be the hero for once." I pause. "Or... the villain? I'm still a little confused about where we stand as far as that goes?" "Don't think about it too hard, you'll hurt yourself," he says.

I cannot see you anymore. Your ego spans higher than the Himalayas.” Sutara

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

I can't help but laugh into my next sip of water. For the first time, mine doesn't seem so bad. "I don't know why you're fucking laughing. You have a girl's name and no middle name.

I can't get her pregnant! I'm just thirteen. You have to be a man to get a girl pregnant.

I can’t help but smile when I read that someone was inspired by the voices in their head and how they just had to let them out. Yes I smile because once my husband read what the voices in my head were saying he started sleeping with one eye open and with one foot on the floor.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

Ich kann KiBoTu.

I could not imagine my youngest standing above her soiled grandmother in the wing chair and saying, "mother, let's kill her. "That's the only choice.

I could feel the spring in my step as I walked up one flight of stairs from the parking garage into the company’s lobby. Although I wore my old blue suit, a remnant of all my previous job interviews, I felt the day had new possibilities. After all, I was interviewing at a company that made something I loved – movies!

I could be a morning person -- but only if morning started at noon!

I couldn’t tear my gaze from Braxton, his dragon had never called the demon before, it must have something to do with the blue flames. And it sounded like my twin had a demon inside too, which was most probably about our marks. We needed more information on what was going to happen. Clearly dragon marks responded to dragon shifters. “Jessa!” Maximus’ bellow was loud, roar-like. He looked to be pretty vamped out, his eyes black, hair blonder, fangs fully extended. The pissed off aura he was throwing around could be felt even across the distance. “Don’t say anything to … annoy … Braxton. He’s not himself.” Thank you, very helpful. I could see that for my freaking self. Okay, I’d heed his warning and tread carefully with the dragon shifter. Only problem, my demon was dragging me closer, my feet starting to move of their own accord. Mischa was right beside me. I could see that Jacob, Tyson and Maximus were trying to get around their brother and reach us first, but Braxton snarled and shot flames every time they moved out from behind him..

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.

I de­ci­ded right then and the­re to ma­ke a snic­ker­do­od­le per­fu­me to we­ar, so that one day he wo­uld sniff me li­ke that.

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

I didn't want to tell him that I was so wet that Noah would have had to build an ark to avoid the flood in my pants - Moxie

I dinnae get people, like they all want to be watched, to be seen, like all the time. They put up their pictures online and let people they dinnae like look at them! And people they’ve never met as well, and they all pretend tae be shinier than they are – and some are even posting on like four sites; their bosses are watching them at work, the cameras watch them on the bus, and on the train, and in Boots, and even outside the chip shop. Then even at home – they’re going online to look and see who they can watch, and to check who’s watching them!

I'd much rather have a brain of my own than be popular.

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

I’d like to THANK whoever saw a bunch of cherries and thought.... HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!

İdman forması geyinmiş qadın barmağını divanda oturmuş qızlara bir-bir tuşlayaraq onların qiymətlərini deməyə başladı. Əlli manat, əlli manat, əlli manat, yüz əlli manat… Birdən-birə qiymətin qalxmağı təəccüblü gəldi. Yüz əlli manat qiyməti olan qız o birilərindən heç bir ciddi əlaməti ilə seçilmirdi. Ona görə qadına sual verdi: — Bu qızın qiyməti niyə belə bahadı? — Bu qızı Rafet El Roman açıb.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

I do," Ellie said, then groaned inwardly. Those were the words that had put her in this position in the first place.

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

I do not take advice from people who are 100 percent sure. I take advice from those that believe they are as close to sure as possible, but understand they could be completely wrong.

I don't care what your daddy told you. I don't care what your grandaddy told you. The South lost. Get over it man! -January, 2003; Opening lecture to Intro to Civil War Era Studies, Gettysburg College

I don't have te let ye come. Coming is a privilege, not a right- Declan Ramsay to Sam Aiken. (Illuminate the Shadows- Shatterproof Bond #1)

I don't know what it is, but even when I pretty much like a man, after I date him a while, he gets to seem kind of tiresome. I just can't be bothered to act interested anymore, and then I finally tell him I don't want to go out anymore. They always get upset. - Lillian

I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!

I don’t like to think because thinking leads me to overthinking and overthinking leads me to depression. Making decisions without thinking is often suicidal; therefore, I force myself to think without overthinking.

I don’t really believe in aliens. I like to think of them as planet challenged.

I don’t need you to explain to me the concept of a magical land filled with fantastic creatures that only certain special children can enter. I am acquainted with the last several centuries of popular culture. There are books. And cartoons, for the illiterate.

I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack

I don't understand the holes in donuts anymore. They serve no useful purpose when you're late for the bus.

I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious.

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.