Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

If you're a fat person - and especially if you're a woman - at all stages of your life you'll get abuse for it, so you have to work out a way of dealing with it. The best way is to be humorous about it - that defuses any tension.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

If you share a good idea long enough, it will eventually fall on good people.

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I guess the more serious you play something, if the context is funny, then it will be funny and it doesn't really require you to be necessarily, explicitly humorous, or silly.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not mildly, but will all my heart. To me an opera is the very climax & cap-stone of the absurd, the fantastic the unjustifiable. I hate the very name of opera - partly because of the nights of suffering I have endured in its presence, & partly because I want to love it and can't.

I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his

I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

"I have seen those symptoms before," said Holmes, throwing his cigarette into the fire. "Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I like to be as diverse as possible. I think the humorous side and the serious side are both elements of my personality. It's what makes me who I am and if I was to neglect either one of those sides and just focus on one of them, it wouldn't be the full spectrum of my personality.

I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy.