Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

The most colossal display of wise, inspiring, and humorous metaphors ever exhibited in one place.

The most ethical administration in the history of the Republic.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

The name of a man is a numbing blow from which he never recovers.

The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way.

The past does not equal the future.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

The only church that illuminates is a burning church.

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.

The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.

The poor have little; beggars, none; the rich, too much; enough, not one.

The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).

The principal purpose of the Democratic Party is to use the force of government to take property away from the people who earn it and give it to people who do not.

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

The proverbial Englishman, we know from old chronicler Froissart, takes his pleasures sadly, and the Englishwoman goes a step further and takes her pleasures in sadness itself.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

"There are one or two elementary rules to be observed in the way of handling patients," he remarked, seating himself on the table and swinging his legs. "The most obvious is that you must never let them see that you want them. It should be pure condescension on your part seeing them at all; and the more difficulties you throw in the way of it, the more they think of it. Break your patients in early, and keep them well to heel.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

There, in the middle of this mall is the Washington Monument, 555 feet high. But if we put a one in front of that 555 feet, we get 1555, the year that our first fathers landed on the shores of Jamestown, Virginia as slaves.

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.

There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.