Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

The only church that illuminates is a burning church.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way.

The past does not equal the future.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The poor have little; beggars, none; the rich, too much; enough, not one.

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.

The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.

The principal purpose of the Democratic Party is to use the force of government to take property away from the people who earn it and give it to people who do not.

The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

The proverbial Englishman, we know from old chronicler Froissart, takes his pleasures sadly, and the Englishwoman goes a step further and takes her pleasures in sadness itself.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

"There are one or two elementary rules to be observed in the way of handling patients," he remarked, seating himself on the table and swinging his legs. "The most obvious is that you must never let them see that you want them. It should be pure condescension on your part seeing them at all; and the more difficulties you throw in the way of it, the more they think of it. Break your patients in early, and keep them well to heel.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There, in the middle of this mall is the Washington Monument, 555 feet high. But if we put a one in front of that 555 feet, we get 1555, the year that our first fathers landed on the shores of Jamestown, Virginia as slaves.

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.

There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them.

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.