Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

We so need to work on your definition of relaxing.

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

We went to dinner the other night at a place that had a complimentary valet. I was disappointed when he only parked my car. I expected him to say, "You're a handsome man and eloquent of speech" since it was complementary and all, or at least, "You are dressed far better than that hobo over there and smell less odiferous" Alas it was not to be,

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin?" "Try to." Love to...

What are you working on?" Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him. "I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days." Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer.

What are summer teeth? Summer in their mouth, Some are elsewhere.

What better time to be kind to a beautiful stranger than when she’s weak, and rocking a schnoz like the Godfather?

What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks. I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. “He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets,” I say in my best seductive voice. Peeta laughs. “Ugh. Not really.” “Really,” I say. “I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling.

What does God look like?' 'Don't ask me. God's God. He's everywhere. watching what we do, judging whether it's good or bad. 'Sounds like a soccer referee.

What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts.

What do you call a rifle with three barrels? A trifle.

What do you mean, is that it? I just saved his career and the CIA from ruin and he calls me a perfidious ass." "What's perfidious mean?" Ace asked from the driver's seat. "You deceived him and stole his girlfriend out from under his nose," Julia said to Conrad. "I think technically 'ass' is a pretty mild revilement." "Revilement?" Ace looked at one and then the other in his rearview. "This is some kind of spy talk, isn't it? Okay, I'm down with it. Just tell me what it means.

Whatever lies in the soul, can never be stolen.

What happens," called out Max, "if you win?" "We die anyway, but I become legend" I explained

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

What if I wanted to rule the world?" she asked lightly. "I might desire to sit on a throne of skulls and be the universe's dark queen." "I'd totally help you with that," Jared told her. " I am so willing to be a minion, you have no idea. I will throw people into aquariums full of mutant octopi and sharks with lasers on their heads on command.

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.” “Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.” “That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!” He shook his head. “Nobody.

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen.

What is even happening here?" Will said, looking to each of us and the back to wherever the cougars had wandered off to. "Am I drunk? Hanna, they just pinched my ass and this one"- he motioned to George- "wants to claim me for his own. A little help?" Hanna took a drink off her frilly drink, complete with big pink umbrella and some sort of neon glow stick. "I don't know, you seem to be doing pretty well on your own there," she said, then took another long pull of her straw.

What is serious in laughing, worrying, grieving, mourning, concerning about anything which is temporary? Well, it is funny, actually, when you know life isn't immortal.

What is that admonition about not attempting to teach a pig to sing? It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.

What level of personal are we talking about?" she mumbled. "I don't mind discussing my periods in graphic detail, but I'm probably going to stay quiet about the jar of fingernail clippings I carry with me at all times.

What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life

What sort of funny songs?" "My balls are swearing my balls are swearing I can't keep my balls from sweating ohhh no." "How is that funny?" I asked. "As in the balls of your feet?" "No, it's like this thing..... Never mind," he said.

What’s the fuckin’ difference between leggings and tights?

What's your name?" "What?" I asked, squinting at the light. "Your name." I recognized Dr. Olendzki peering over me. "You know my name." "I want you to tell me." "Rose. Rose Hathaway." "Do you know your birthday?" "Of course I do. Why are you asking me such stupid things? Did you lose my records?" Dr. Olendzki gave an exasperated sigh and walked off.

What some people need," said Magrat, to the world in general, "is a bit more heart." "What some people need," said Granny Weatherwax, to the stormy sky, "is a lot more brain." Then she clutched at her hat to stop the wind from blowing it off. What I need, thought Nanny Ogg fervently, is a drink.

Whats up home skillet, biscuit.

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747? -About 20 pounds. -Yo mama carries more passengers. -Not everyone's been on a 747.

What's the point of using words nobody knows or can say comfortably?

what's the saying? All is donkey balls in love and war? -Dan Garrett

What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?

When dreaming is better than reality we're living What's the sense of waking up in a nightmare?

What would you tell her about me?” He did not just ask that. “You did not just ask that.” She chuckled. “I’m serious,” he smiled. “Very well, if you must know, I would say that you are arrogant and foolish, too handsome for your own good and far too cognizant of your own intellect. Unbending, unsympathetic, dogmatic, pig-headed—” “Handsome?” he interrupted, unable to keep the smile from his face. “And intelligent?” “Don’t forget arrogant.

What we ought to know we never be taught in the classroom.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

When I left high school with my diploma, it felt like I was holding a key that would unlock the door to a better world. Every teacher I passed on my way down to the parking lot—the ones who suspended me for questioning them both earnestly and in jest, suspended me for using a contumacious hip-shake as my hallway gait, suspended me for me being me—the ones who would roll their eyes if my behavior was, on the whole, unpatriotic, unjustified, and immature—well, on the way down that long black declivity, their faces seemed so contorted as if lurking shadows had vice grips locked on their kidneys, wrenching it every time a teacher didn't want to remain upright and respectful. Yes, they didn’t want to me to succeed either! I pledge allegiance to the flag that united every authority in that indefensible school looked at me, even treated me, as if I was a terrorist, or at the very least, unpatriotic. But God—didn’t the red blood, white skin, and blue balls that flagged my physical existence suffice for me to have a little liberty and justice?

When I get to Heaven I just know I'm going to forget my toothbrush.

When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.