Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He had learnt it at elementary school; at secondary school; at his sports club; at the Komsomol; at the university; at a folk dancing course; at the chess-club.

"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it, but I don't owe it any grudge. I envys them that is so blest!

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum.

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

A joke is a very serious thing.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

All geniuses die young.

All for one; one for all.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

All of us knew he was a snake when we voted for him

All men are equal before fish.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it?

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!

Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.

Always obey your parents - when they are present.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the most primitive technical arrangements; on the American air the world's most primitive writing is performed under perfect technical conditions.

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America

A modest ring at the bell at length allayed her fears, and Miss Benton, hurrying into her own room and shutting herself up, in order that she might preserve that appearance of being taken by surprise which is so essential to the polite reception of visitors, awaited their coming with a smiling countenance.

An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts... Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for.

And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason. No powder on her nose - that proved to be the correct solution. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes, or their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin or a curling tongs.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

An exotic and irrational entertainment.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.