Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts... Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason. No powder on her nose - that proved to be the correct solution. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes, or their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin or a curling tongs.

An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

An exotic and irrational entertainment.

... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.

Ann Taylor - great name, great real estate, shitty business. Gap -great name, great real estate, declining business. J.Crew - Hellooo? Great name, better fashion image than the Gap.

Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter.

Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should have something that's offbeat, quirky, humorous, and where called for it, should have journalism, and judiciously it should also have commentary. That's my ideal.

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Any place I hang my head is home.

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

A pear is a failed apple.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

As a profession advertising is young; as a force it is as old as the world. The first four words ever uttered, Let there be light, constitute its charter. All nature is vibrant with its impulse.

A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

As a writer and as a human being, Susan Dworkin has always had the ability to draw us into new dreams of justice, and to make them irresistibly practical, humorous and human. She makes clear that progress and pleasure go together.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine.

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

Ask the young. They know everything.

... As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.

A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.