Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one.

We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.

We thought there was also something that was humorous but at the same time powerful and deep about naming the album, 'Modern Vampires Of The City'.

We will reduce the White House staff by 25 percent

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

What do you take me for, an idiot?

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

What is your Self? Self is nothing but joy. A joyous person is definitely a person who has got his Self expressing through his joy. Such a person is so joy-giving, so humorous, and never degrading anyone.

What I've always done as an entertainer is try to come up with things that people will find interesting, or compelling, or humorous.

Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

What we're going for, in those humorous moments, is the absurdity of it all. The craziness of the night manager offering them an umbrella in the height of what is a horrible disaster was like, "What?!" That's Andy Greenfield, and he nailed the audition. He's the sweetest guy in the world, as is often the case with those guys, but on camera, he's so creepy that a lot of us kept saying, "You know, Andy, don't look at us like that anymore, okay? You're scaring us.

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

When I was a younger man and had a life, I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had Astroturf in the back.

When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another.

When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

When you lead a life of scholarship you can't be bothered with the humorous realities, you know, tits, that kind of thing.

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

While I would agree that I write about serious subjects, and that they're not necessarily the most pleasant subjects or even the most pleasant people, as a writer I just think about the humorous aspects of these things - that's what keeps me going when I'm writing a story.

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?