Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.

Think pink but don't wear it

This book is visceral like how your small intestine is visceral

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes?

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT? You're incrediburgable she said which is to say You're a little like incredible but a lot more like a hamburger.

This is like teaching queer remedial at the continuation high school. You were fishing, and you caught me. Don't you get that?" "Oh, hell no." Tristan just stared.

This is Nimrod, because of whose vile plan the world no longer speaks a single tongue.

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

This isn't sex." I blinked. "Oh. Then what is it?" "An emergency!" I started to argue and then thought twice about it. Considering what Mircea would do to Pritkin if he ever found out about this...Yeah. Emergency sounded good.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

This isn’t the freaking Hunger Games, Laurie,” he shouted across the rink.

This is the staff sergeant coming out," Kelly told Hagan quietly. "I'm used to it." Hagan looked him up and down, narrowing his eyes. "You come like a fire hose when he gives you an order, don't you?" "Only if he tells me to," Kelly countered with a smirk.

This moment is spectacular!

This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.

This was different. He didn't want a woman. He wanted her. And he supposed that if he had to spend the afternoon being strange, sad, and disfigured just to be in her company, it would be well worth it. Then he remembered the wart. He turned to Miss Wynter and said firmly, "I am not getting a wart." Really, a man had to draw the line somewhere.

This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).

This was the kack’s cradle, icky-poo’s bassinet. It was Death and Diarrhea, singing duet.

Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile

Those who work, knows the strength of labour.

Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.

Three eggs two slices of toast a cup of coffee an episode of Mr. Ed. A Violin and a bowl of fruit what else does a man need?

Time Expansion Machine" For people who need to get there 'Whenever

Throughout life try to remember...to always keep your head up high and your middle finger higher!

Thus, hanging around in our towels (and those weird disposable underpants) was no big deal.

Time change - Moments don't.

Time flies when you're falling down"...(not from a book, it's a lyric)

Time may be defined as " dimension governed by activity." Dimension diminishes with inactivity so does the value of time.

Time passed quickly. Constant did not move.

to be in charge. To be the wise owl. The comforter. I felt I’d moved beyond that. Gained my own wisdom. Found comfort in my own company. In just being me. The long healing process was at an end, hastened by these few days of sunshine and blissful solitude.

To be fair to Nietzsche, he probably meant the word 'stronger' to include anything that makes you more capable. I’d ask him to clarify, but ironically he ran out of things that didn't kill him.

To all the ladies: " I don't like to be in ladies who judges you by every joke you made, sometimes I do good sometimes bad, don't laugh for me laugh for yourself if you really got it.; Otherwise I'm pretty happy with my own version. ;)

To ask a man whether or not he has a girlfriend is to talk about his sex life. If you disagree with that, then how in the name of God do you differentiate between a man’s girlfriend and a girl that is a friend to the man?

Toby looked so miserable the soldiers gathered around him for support. They sang a revised version of their company song: Buckle for your dust, boys, no flakey diddy-bopping. Stay tight, and fight the Grimhilda Red Alert. The second line was adaptable to any situation: the day before it had included references to grizzly bears.

Today, Aaron decided, he would begin to grieve in earnest. He would walk the lonely beach, mocked by gulls, uncaring, his every step a stately rebuke to the malign forces that had blighted his fate. His was the tragedy of a man who couldn't have his own way, and he intended to make known his anguish in the solemn solitude that only a stretch of sand, a suspiring sea, and a beetling cliff could provide.

Today is a season for tomorrow's harvest

Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place to be. I figured that right now, I had two choices — crawl out of the pit, or wallow and die. To wallow or not to wallow? That was the question. Look at Scarlett O’Hara. Did she cry and whine when Rhett walked out the door not giving a damn? Well, okay, she did. But not for long, I’ll bet. Not Scarlett. Same story here, baby, same story here.

To be successful in life , Plan, Implement, Revise, Update, and Build on Change.

Today was the introduction, and introductions were important. The girl had to meet the boy in an equal setting – if they met any other way there’d always be a question about whether it was True Love or a more financially motivated desire that awakened the passions.

To-day well, my Utopia, if ever I framed one, would be a land where the laws demanded that people should be vicious. Then one would be able to count at any rate on a little virtue. If no man might live with a woman in any but an irregular union, there would be at once quite a run on honest matrimony and the Law Courts would be full of desperately wicked monogamists; while if every one was expected to steal and swindle, there would soon be an extensive criminal class who respected property.

Toddlers are germ-warfare machines in a cute package" - Debora Geary

To enjoy a peaceful & Beautiful Life We should open our 'EYE' and Close our 'I

To do what is right can be a dirty messy business" S. R. Tabone. Made it up for my Godfifa novel.

To exemplify, -a beautiful glossy nut, which, blessed with original strength, has outlived all the storms of autumn. Not a puncture, not a weak spot any where. -This nut... while so many of its brethren have fallen and been trodden under foot, is still in possession of all the happiness that a hazel-nut can be supposed capable of.

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Tom leaned in and spoke in a low, confidential voice, "Sir. You have a little something..." He lifted his forefinger surreptitiously to his own upper lip. Harrison brought his hand to his mustache to brush something off it, his eyes questioning. "What is it?" "Carpet remnant?" Tom suggested.

To see Ramses, at fourteen months, wrinkling his brows over a sentence like 'The theology of the Egyptians was a compound of fetishism, totem-ism and syncretism' was a sight as terrifying as it was comical. Even more terrifying was the occasional thoughtful nod the child would give. ...the room was dark except for one lamp, by whose light Emerson was reading. Ramses, in his crib, contemplated the ceiling with rapt attention. It made a pretty little family scene, until one heard what was being said. '...the anatomical details of the wounds, which included a large gash in the frontal bone, a broken malar bone and orbit, and a spear thrust which smashed off the mastoid process and struck the atlas vertebra, allow us to reconstruct the death scene of the king.' ... From the small figure in the cot came a reflective voice. 'It appeaws to me that he was muwduwed.'...' a domestic cwime.'...'One of the ladies of the hawem did it, I think.' I seized Emerson by the arm and pushed him toward the door, before he could pursue this interesting suggestion.

[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.