Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

Part of the reason for the ugliness of adults, in a child's eyes, is that the child is usually looking upwards, and few faces are at their best when seen from below.

"Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, and got herself named Peggotty?

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay Gaol, which in those days was still in use and heavily populated by larcenous young men who had chosen their parents less wisely.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin.

Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's a sad facet, poetry can make it more poignant.

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves.

Possibly the only thing we Notekillers place on a higher pedestal than music is laughs, so, of course, we also know that the idea of the title is a kind of humorous futility.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked.

Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God could do if He had more imagination.

Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.

Reality is something you rise above.

Reconnecting to the animal means getting to a more sensitive, more artful and more humorous place in the psyche.

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all, All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer.

Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us, ZORAC announced after a short pause. The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.

"She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me.

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

She needed help, but God was in a meeting whenever she rang.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.