Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I am committed to curbing the influence of money in our political system.

I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my derision and contempt . . .

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lying and what is good acting but convincing lying?

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

I am not an economist. I am an honest man!

I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.

I am trying to be honest with you and it hurts me. Now.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I believe he [Saddam Hussein] wants a better relationship with America.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

I bet the human brain is a kludge

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is not meant to be humorous. This story is meant to winch your ribs open and tamper with your heart. This story is meant to make you realize that your chances of happiness in this world are terribly slim if you lack a fine imagination.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.

I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

I don't mind flying. I always pass out before the plane leaves the ground.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of 'Willie brewed a peck o' maut'; and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?