Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Life is too transcendentally humorous for a man not to take it seriously. Compared with it, Death is but a shallow jest.

Life's too short for chess.

Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.

Living, as I do, in an educated and scientific atmosphere, I could not have conceived that the first principles of zoology were so little known. Is it possible that you do not know the elementary fact in comparative anatomy, that the wing of a bird is really the forearm, while the wing of a bat consists of three elongated fingers with membranes between?

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full.

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It is the finest place to die in - it has always been acknowledged. It has a joie de mourir quite its own.

Love has been taken away from the poets, and has been brought within the domain of true science. It may prove to be one of the great cosmic elementary forces. When the atom of hydrogen draws the atom of chlorine towards it to form the perfected molecule of hydrochloric acid, the force which it exerts may be intrinsically similar to that which draws me to you. Attraction and repulsion appear to be the primary forces. This is attraction.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!

Look at Gleason in The Honeymooners. He was humorous but the way he lived wasn't really humorous. He was a bus driver. Who wants to be a bus driver? He didn't have any money and he was not famous. But despite that, the show is humorous.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Luck is the residue of design.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan.

Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and-we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him;.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the US is an English lady in a funny hat.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.

Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?'

Many of the things that stifle growth are morally neutral. They're not bad things. Facebook is not bad. Television and movies are not bad. I enjoy TV, but it doesn't take long for me to begin to find humorous on TV what the Lord finds heartbreaking.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion.

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.

Maybe there'll be a simple, innocent explanation. I don't think so, because I think we would have offered that up already.

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

Matt Mason must be declared the poet laureate of the Midwest! No other native son celebrates the overlooked America, its unsung citizens (from the anonymous poets to the part-time English teachers), and its expansive indigenous landscape, as well as he does. Mason's poetry is humorous when he wants to be quirky, heartbreaking when he wants to be eloquent, and though he moves effortlessly into other moods and geographies, he always returns to his first and most enduring love (and to what he knows best)-his homeland.