Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Sometimes the person who is the most logical is the person whom we call insane.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard of the place. At last their supervisor showed up and set them straight by informing them that the city they had always referred to as 'Firenze' was in reality called Florence.

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Statistics are no substitute for judgment.

Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a performer.

Subversive, ethical, ecological, political, humorous ... this is how I see my duty as a designer.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.

Talkers are no good doers.

Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree.

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my admiration is matched only by my envy.

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The best actors do not let the wheels show.

The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

The American child is a highly intelligent human being - characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, and has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy curiosity about the world in which he lives. Lucky indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a happy and successful individual.

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

The British are proud of their ability to create a muddle and then muddle through all difficulties. I must shake the British pride: muddle is not an exclusively British institution. Read descriptions, for instance, of the over-organized, wonderfully systematic and "thorough" German war machine during the last war.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.