Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

When I was a younger man and had a life, I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had Astroturf in the back.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another.

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

While I would agree that I write about serious subjects, and that they're not necessarily the most pleasant subjects or even the most pleasant people, as a writer I just think about the humorous aspects of these things - that's what keeps me going when I'm writing a story.

When you lead a life of scholarship you can't be bothered with the humorous realities, you know, tits, that kind of thing.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James)

Why (he wondered rhetorically) do people who have a position that's being attacked constantly state that they have a right to say it, as if the right itself-rather than the statement-has been challenged?

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.

Wit is educated insolence.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

Write drunk; edit sober.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

You cannot just quote from history and above all you cannot take it out of context, in however humorous a fashion . On the contrary history has a natural continuity which must be respected

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.