Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

All right, we need a way to get inot the palace. Any ideas?" "Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones?

All right, we need a way to get into the palace. Any ideas?" "Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones?

all the time complaining at me that she could have had a career dancing topless at the Orbital Grill and Rendezvous Parlor. Her and her perky breasts. Yasmin, I told her, all the girls have perky breasts in zero-g, you were nothing special, you’re lucky a good man took you away from all that.

All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their failure is ours, too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped to create... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody-or at least some force-is tending that Light at the end of the tunnel.This is the same cruel and paradoxically benevolent bullshit has kept the Catholic Church going for so many centuries. It is also the military ethic...a blind faith in some higher and wiser “authority.” The Pope, The General, The Prime Minister... all the way up to “God.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A lot of pain that we are dealing with are really only THOUGHTS.

Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.

Alright. So how are we getting down there? Can you turn invisible or something?” “What do I look like? A magician?” “Well, can you fight?” “Can you?” “No,” said Thalcu with a sad laugh. “Zonbiri women aren’t allowed to handle anything bigger than a butter knife. Not legally, anyway. Besides, I could never shoot a gun. My hands are used to pushing remote control buttons, pounding game controllers . . . picking the good chips from the bag.

Always follow your dreams with confidence and conviction, don’t fall for the trap of dream killers

Always take a compliment, even if it’s not yours

Always tends to end next Friday...

A Man can Live two Weeks without Food, go two days without Water, and two minutes without Air, and apparently, an entire lifetime without a BRAIN.

A man is known by the company he keeps not by the company he works.

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns a lesson he can learn in no other way.

A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men.

Am besten cremst du sie schon hier ein", sagte ich. "Im Freibad ist sie immer sofort im Sand und wenn sie dabei noch fettig ist, hast du ein paniertes Kind." Er nickte. Und seufzte tief.

A meeting is a collective tacit confession of participants’ unwillingness to work.

A mere redrawing of borders, a change in governments, those things can never faze a Jewess with a good supply of hand wipes in her bag.

–Amiguito –le dijo el orador– ¿crees que el Papa es el anticristo? –Nunca lo había oído –respondió Cándido–; pero séalo o no, yo no tengo pan que comer. –Ni lo mereces –replicó el otro–; anda, bribón, anda, miserable, y que no te vuelva a ver en mi vida. Se asomó en esto a la ventana la mujer del ministro, y viendo a uno que dudaba de que el Papa fuera el anticristo, le tiró a la cabeza un vaso lleno de… ¡Oh, cielos, a qué excesos se entregan las damas por celo religioso!

Americans can't stand any stranger looking them in the face. They take it as an insult. It's something they don't forgive. And every American carries a gun. If they catch you, a stranger, looking them in the face, they will shoot.

Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could position herself so that she would be perceived as superior?

... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.

Am I a human? Yes. Then I like The Princess Bride.

Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule.

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?

...Anand, look at the back of my hands. No hair. The sign of an advanced race, boy. And look at yours. No hair either. But you never know. With some of your mother's bad blood flowing in your veins you could wake up one morning and find yourself hairy like a monkey

AN ACADEMIC DEFINITION of Lynchian might be that the term "refers to a particular kind of irony where the very macabre and the very mundane combine in such a way as to reveal the former's perpetual containment within the latter." But like postmodern or pornographic, Lynchian is one of those Porter Stewart-type words that's ultimately definable only ostensively-i.e., we know it when we see it. Ted Bundy wasn't particularly Lynchian, but good old Jeffrey Dahmer, with his victims' various anatomies neatly separated and stored in his fridge alongside his chocolate milk and Shedd Spread, was thoroughgoingly Lynchian. A recent homicide in Boston, in which the deacon of a South Shore church reportedly gave chase to a vehicle that bad cut him off, forced the car off the road, and shot the driver with a highpowered crossbow, was borderline Lynchian. A Rotary luncheon where everybody's got a comb-over and a polyester sport coat and is eating bland Rotarian chicken and exchanging Republican platitudes with heartfelt sincerity and yet all are either amputees or neurologically damaged or both would be more Lynchian than not.

And after the army, nothing in real life scared me. Except a shovel. And churches still put the fear of God into me…

And are you going to explain why you consider competing with me to be the most sincere form of compliment?” “Of course I am,” Lightsong said. “My dear, have you ever known me to make an inflammatorily ridiculous statement without providing an equally ridiculous explanation to substantiate it?” “Of course not,” she agreed. “You are nothing if not exhaustive in your self-congratulatory made-up logic.” “I am rather exceptional in that regard.

Anaïs had one of those bobs with concave bangs French women seem 
to master, which make them look like adorable sixties KGB agents.

An Awesome Aspiring Adventure Across America Available at Amazon and Audible ... A+

And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made a noise for the last two minutes; ‘And she is always so gentle and quiet—Never was there such a quiet little thing!’ But unfortunately in bestowing these embraces, a pin in her ladyship’s head dress slightly scratching the child’s neck, produced from this pattern of gentleness such violent screams, as could hardly be outdone by any creature professedly noisy. The mother’s consternation was excessive; but it could not surpass the alarm of the Miss Steeles, and every thing was done by all three, in so critical an emergency, which affection could suggest as likely to assuage the agonies of the little sufferer. She was seated in her mother’s lap, covered with kisses, her wound bathed with lavender-water, by one of the Miss Steeles, who was on her knees to attend her, and her mouth stuffed with sugar plums by the other. With such a reward for her tears, the child was too wise to cease crying.

And now here I was in McDonald's again for the first time since my earlier fracas. I vowed to behave myself, but McDonald's is just too much for me. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke. 'Do you want fries with that?' the young man serving me asked. I hesitated for a moment, and in a pained but patient tone said: 'No. That's why I didn't ask for fries, you see.' 'We're just told to ask like,' he said. 'When I want fries, generally I say something like, "I would like some fries, too, please." That's the system I use.' 'We're just told to ask like,' he repeated. 'Do you need to know the other things I don't want? It is quite a long list. In fact, it is everything you serve except for the two things I asked for.' 'We're just told to ask like,' he repeated yet again, but in a darker voice, and deposited my two items on a tray and urged me, without the least hint of sincerity, to have a nice day. I realized that I probably wasn't quite ready for McDonald's yet.

And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again.

And, since the IQ of a mob is the IQ of its most stupid member divided by the number of mobsters, it was never very clear to anyone what had happened

Andre had never mastered the art of ironing. He usually ironed more wrinkles in than out. Pistols, knives, and explosives he could handle, but put a hot iron in his hands and chances were that he’d get hurt.

And most of the time, when you're young and dumb - you know everything! Charles Freeman Lee bebop pianist and trumpeter

And that's the problem,' I say. 'Real macaroni and cheese doesn't come from a box, babe. It eventually comes from an oven with a crust bubbling on top.' 'Amen.' Seven holds his fist to me, and I bump it. 'Ohhh,' Chris says. 'You mean the kind with breadcrumbs?' 'What?' DeVante yells, and Seven goes, 'Breadcrumbs?' 'Nah,' I say. 'I mean there's like a crust of cheese on top. We gotta get you to a soul food restaurant, babe.' 'This fool said breadcrumbs.' DeVante sounds seriously offended. 'Breadcrumbs.

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese

And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling." Niccolo didn't know what these "clowns" were, but he made a mental not to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant.

And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.

And then I laugh, because it's so ridiculous and so gorgeous and it's all I can do to not melt into a fit of giggles. [...] If they're willing to accept me and my guilty conscience, why the hell shouldn't I run away with the circus?

And there you sit, gloating over what you have done, as if you were a martyr or a public benefactor -- as complacent and smug and misunderstood as a princess from the moon forced to herd goats!