Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

You cannot just quote from history and above all you cannot take it out of context, in however humorous a fashion . On the contrary history has a natural continuity which must be respected

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous, all the attention to it, because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.

Young singers ask me, "Do I have to live in New York?" I say, "You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York.

You nickednamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get back. The key is don't leave until you have solved both problems.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

You sit back in the darkness, nursing your beer, breathing in that ineffable aroma of the old-time saloon: dark wood, spilled beer, good cigars, and ancient whiskey - the sacred incense of the drinking man.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.

You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you.

You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has he placed you?

5. Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still really young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school. 6. Television puts a stop to crime because all the burglars and robbers, instead of going to burgle and rob, sit at home watching The Lone Ranger, Emergency Ward Ten and Dotto.

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume.

Zeus Is Dead is full of laugh-out-loud moments, lashings of sly wit, moan-worthy puns, and a complex, fast-paced storyline. There aren't very many humorous fantasy murder mysteries out there, especially not as intricately constructed as this one. Michael G. Munz takes a 'What if,' and runs with it like a toddler with Mom's smart phone. The guffaw-worthy throwaway bits will remind you of Douglas Adams. A very enjoyable read.

Zionism and pessimism are not compatible.

99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.

Aargh! I’m too short for this shit!

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!

A bride never forgets her wedding ornaments, why should we forsake our heavenly Father, the bridegroom?

A coalescence of verbose convolution, veering on imperceptibility, impinges upon a plain proclamation an apparent profundity.

A comedian is better than a politician; at least there is no doubt.

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A cupcake temple?' Her chest still tight with anxiety, Bertie forced herself to imagine it: bricks of pound cake mortared with buttercream and chocolate ganache, torches like striped birthday candles set into the walls, pilgrims upon the Path of Delectable Righteousness delivering daily tributes of almond paste and raspberry filling. . . .

A cult? Jesus Christ. No wonder Anita is worried about her children. They’re like turkeys—they might drown themselves in the rain if you don’t watch ’em close enough.

Adventuring turned out to be boring. Zach thought back to all the fantasy books he'd read where a team of questers traveled overland, and realized a few things. First he'd pictured himself with a loyal steed that would have done most of the walking, so he hadn't anticipated the blister forming on his left heel or the tiny pebble that seemed to have worked its way under his sock, so that even when he stripped off his sneaker he couldn't find it. He hadn't thought about how hot the sun would be either. When he put together his bunch of provisions, he never thought about bringing sunblock. Aragorn never wore sunblock. Taran never wore sunblock. Percy never wore sunblock. But despite all that precedent for going without, he was pretty sure his nose would be lobster-red the next time he looked in the mirror. He was thirsty, too, something that happened a lot in books, but his dry throat bothered him more than it had ever seemed to bother any character. And, unlike in books where random brigands and monsters jumped out just when things got unbearably dull, there was nothing to fight except for the clouds of gnats, several of which Zach was pretty sure he'd accidentally swallowed.

Adventures of Lailah Gifty Akita, the wonder woman!

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

A friend once told me "Michael, if you were a villain, you'd be the Joker," to which I replied, "no, dear friend - if the Joker were a villain, he'd be ME.

After all, nothing nurtures a friendship bond more than the ability to consistently bitch about someone else.