Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate.

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organised to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow.

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

Motherhood is the strangest thing, it can be like being one's own Trojan horse.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour.

Mr. Bazzard's father, being a Norfolk farmer, would have furiously laid about him with a flail, a pitch-fork, and every agricultural implement available for assaulting purposes, on the slightest hint of his son's having written a play.

Mr. Starr, have you no shame? Facts and law are always subordinated to the will of the American people.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.

[My brother] lived in a dry gulch where the world of socks and shoes became extremely fascinating, and he felt that everyone needs a good pair of socks, and why not limit his gift giving to something that everybody needs? He thought that there was something humorous about it. So he gives socks.

My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'

My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

My life needs editing.

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to take credit for his wealth or to feel ashamed of his position.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.