Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

It would look pretty messed up to be a social worker and have dried kid blood as a permanent stain in your vehicle.

I used to wonder what I was doing wrong. Now I know: just about everything.

I've admired a lot of people in my life time and some of them were actually alive.

I’ve been focusing on my career. I’ve had no time. That’s why I wanted to go out this weekend. I’ve been storing that shit up like a sexual camel. At this point I’d probably just walk into the bar, blow my load all over the room like a fire hose, and walk out.

I've been waiting for this a long time."-Martin "Let me guess that you're wishing for your IQ to break double figures?"- Alex V.

I've fucked you, licked you, bound you, flogged you, and spanked you. Jesus, Lilly, how much more do you want to get to know each other?

I’ve got more faith in my shotgun than any man, that’s for sure.

I've had a lifetime of ought from can to can't (from the first moment in the morning when you can see to the last moment in the evening when you can't

I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know.

I’ve had a lot of food but if you don’t jiggle me too much you can have your wicked way with me.

I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I've known him since dirt was new, Papaw laughed. We go way back... Dawg Papaw, that's a long time! Mark exclaimed.

I've learned my lesson. I know nothing.

I've never really learned how to do this. When we hunted, we had people to take care of what we caught." "I thought you hunted with birds." "We did." "So the birds caught the animals, other people cleaned them... When you say 'hunting,' do you really mean 'going for a walk'?

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother." Artemis Set and Bathymaas laughed. Apollo, not so much.

Ivy’s taken me to her parent’s house... I was originally lured into her car with the promise of a burrito. Ivy did not mention going to her parent’s house at all. She had only said, “Hop in Jane, we’re getting burritos.” Blinded by my affection for burritos, I jumped into the car like an unwitting pig on its way to a slaughterhouse.

I walked back by way of the sea-lions' enclosure to refresh my eyes with the King Penguin's perfect ecclesiastical tailoring. He was pacing moodily about as usual, in what one felt to be the interval between a marriage ceremony and a funeral service. Much better, I thought, to have left the 2000 a year to him. No harm would then be done, and what perfect episcopal garden-parties he could give with it!

I want to tell you something but good taste Restrains me

I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' Batman. --Detective Sam Kage in A Matter Of Time (vol 2 or part 4)

I was behaving, just like I promised, but fate intervened.

I was cold, hungry, and in a hole in the ground. But at least I had my elven porn, damnit!

I was in a department store and the clerk came up to me and said "do you want to lay on the couch' I said "Where's your clip board?

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

I wasn’t a class clown, because nuns have no sense of humor. They have rulers.

I was not myself on that night. The wine was in and the wit was out.

I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I’d found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he’d probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Why does everything have to be so hard? [Eragon] wondered. Because, said Saphira, everyone wants to eat, but no one wants to be eaten.

I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please . . . no comments on my author face!

I watched you undress. Shame on you!

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

I will understand perfectly if you don’t want to answer, but I will just keep pestering you until you do.

I wish I had an imaginary friend.

I would like a cappuccino," says Linus politely. "Thank you." "Your name?" "I'll spell it for you," he says. "Z-W-P-A-E-N--" "What?" She stares at him, Sharpie in hand. "Wait, I haven't finished. Double F-hyphen-T-J-U-S. It's an unusual name, Linus adds gravely. "It's Dutch.

I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.

I wondered whether anyone in that backyard could hear the sound of my ovaries exploding. If there's anything that stirs a woman's soul more than a strong, handsome man tenderly holding a tiny infant then I certainly didn't know about it.

Jenna can't hear us, she's blind

Jersey cows,” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.” “Not that we’re prejudiced,” Theo teased.

I won’t give you MY whiskey!” George shouted and dealt another blow. He was fighting for the booze with such passion as if he was defending his country.

I wonder if I should have Darjeeling tea?" West mused aloud. "No, perhaps something stronger... Ceylon or pekoe... and some of the little buns with the cream and jam... What were those, Kathleen?" "Cornish splits." "Ah. No wonder I like them. It sounds like something I once saw performed at a dance hall.

Jangan lupa tuan kolonel, dia seniman---hidup hanya di alam perasaan.

Just because you consider yourself a genius does not mean you are smart

Join us B+ people! Life is not neat and tidy, but we always manage to get the job done!

Just married! A bright past is ahead of them!

Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart. Stop being tough at your desk and stammering with timidity in the presence of people. Imagine for one second that you raise hell in public and stammer on paper. You’re a tiger, a lion, a cat. You spend a night with a Russian woman and leave her satisfied. You’re twenty five. If rings had been fastened to the earth and sky, you’d have seized them and pulled the sky down to earth

Kiss my ass." "If you’d like me to start there.

La doctora von Blimenstein había convencido al pobre hombre de que sus temores tenían un origen puramente sexual y eran consecuencia de una sensación de desajuste provocada por la idea de que su pene no era tan largo ni tan potente como una pitón adulta y le había enviado de nuevo a trabajar en el serpentario, donde, tres semanas después, le había mordido, esta vez con fatales consecuencias, una mamba negra cuya longitud intentaba él comparar con la de su propio miembro erecto, el cual sabía que alcanzaba los dieciocho centímetros de longitud. «Treinta y cinco centímetros», acababa de deducir, apoyando la cabeza de la mamba contra su glans penis. Fue prácticamente lo último que pudo decir, pues la mamba, con ferocidad plenamente justificada por la absurda comparación, hundió los colmillos en su contrapartida simbólica. Tras lo cual, la doctora von Blimenstein se había apartado del psicoanálisis y se había decidido por un enfoque más conductista.

Kerri stopped to wonder how the information continued to flow past someone called "Deaf Anne" while Nate took over.