Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

World opinion, though sharply divided on nuclear tests and the risk of atmospheric pollution, could congratulate itself on being united in its opposition to cannibalism. No country in the world was prepared to support the custom of eating the dead, though the right of governments to kill people, individually or by hundreds of thousands, was not questioned for a moment.

Worry:Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office, Season 2: The Fight

Worse day ever!" I whined to Ellie. "Oh, worse than the time you got pulled over and the cop said 'papers' and you said 'scissors, I win' and he didn't laugh?

Wow, holy cow, hubba hubba, gee whiz. That was some guy. Don’t tell me he’s your main squeeze!” “My what?” “Your honey. Your sugar. Isn’t that right word?” “In England we’re a little less colorful with our language. “So you say it?” “Boyfriend? Escort?” “And is he?” “Obviously not anymore,” I said with a sigh.

Wow," Jake said, his face going blank. "Assface. Is that a technical term? Maybe some kind of psychiatric diagnosis I'm not familiar with?

Writing is a lonely pursuit. The only thing working is imagination and hands. The only difference between writing and masturbation is one is presumably intended for a mass audience.

Writers cleave together like a demonic AA group - we are singularly able to dance with each other's devils...

Write. Write write write write WRITE. Write. Now. (This is an inspirational writing quote.)

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

Writing is a wonderful way to spend the day. Particularly when the alternative is housework!

Writing something new is an effective way to get rid of writer's block. Or you can observe the people around you and fantasize like I do.

Writing isn't a choice. It's a calling. So answer the damn phone already!

Writing is my passion, not my job. I need to write as much as I need to breathe, if not more.

Wroth, darling,” she purred, smiling so sweetly. “I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free.

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!" Michael Keaton character in "Mr. Mom

Yeah, yeah, big bad Temshiel. Destroyer of lives, seducer of innocents, and kicker of puppies." Malick rolled his eyes. "Honestly, what have they been teaching you?

Y’all ever seen that 'monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare' quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, 'Wait, that happened already. We’re monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.' He insisted we put it in the book.

Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, "That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!

yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...

Yes, Jonnie," Emma said. "Extraordinary as it seems, it was mere coincidence that brought you to our door. It's the sort of thing that you expect to find only in a novel — and only when you know the author has been too idle to work it out any better.

Yes, I know this narrative is crowded with beautiful women - Mrs. Pearson, Mrs. Maycott, Mrs. Lavien, Mrs. Bingham. We might form a cricket team of beautiful women. I cannot help it if they are the ones who excite my notice and so trouble myself to describe.

Yes, he's an equal opportunity asshole," Szilard said. "And he's aware of it, which he thinks means it's okay.

Yes, magnifliant. Magnificent, brilliant, splendid, superb. I could go on.

Yesterday is a pile of rubble. Today is a pile of opportunity. Life takes a new dump each morning

Yes. Right. You should probably, um..." She had no idea what he should do. Kiss her, she thought. Isn't that what people did after they survived thrilling, near-death experiences together? She was sure it wasn't an appropriate suggestion, but this close, it was all she could think about.

Yet sometimes you just have to sprinkle a dash of sugar on the spoonful of pride and swallow it with a humility chaser.

Ylvana: “Out of three monsterous children, Hel was the ruler of Helheim, goddess of death.” Jay: “How the Hel did that happen.” Ylvana: “....I will push you out of this tree.

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Yo! Hold my poodle!

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

You act like the sorcerers are invading the continent for the sole joy of hunting me down and lobbing me off of tall objects.

...You agreed we would be fearless together. I’m gonna need you to keep your promise,” Haley said a little loudly. Falon’s office door opened, and Del stepped inside. “I heard a raised voice,” she said and gave Haley the eye. “Were you out there listening to our conversation?” Falon snapped. “Yes,” Del said unabashedly with her gaze locked on Haley. “I’m Falon’s bodyguard. Don’t let my manicure, impeccable high and lowlighted hair, and makeup fool you. I can have a shoe off my foot in less than half a second and peck you full of holes with the heel before you even know what hit you.” “Del!” Falon exclaimed as she hopped off her stool. “Honey, that might’ve scared me before I met Falon, but I’ve let monkeys climb in my shirt, and I’m about to get a tattoo.” Haley stepped up to Del. “Bring. It. On.

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

You are all wave particles when I close my eyes. I am no more entranced by your entanglement than a butterfly is to a bee.

You are an old pig!'one of them said to the other. 'And that is worse than being a young one.

You are a curse in my life!

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.

You are going to cook?" Maybe he has found my aprons. "No, woman. A man doesn't cook, he grills," he states quite adamant. Still, he can wear an apron.

You are organic, aren't you? Or am I talking to a statue again?