Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.

He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.

He had never seen a woman doctor before, and his whole conservative soul rose up in revolt at the idea. He could not recall any biblical injunction that the man should remain ever the doctor and the woman the nurse, and yet he felt as if a blasphemy had been committed.

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

Hell is paved with good samaritans.

Hemingway was a jerk.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.

Here was my first lesson on the resolutely maintained untidiness and ill-health of the English upper orders. In baggy evening dress and old before their time, they displayed gapped and tangled teeth in loosely open mouths. Gently shedding dandruff, they lurched across the lawn. When they stood at the bar they looked like Lee Trevino Putting.

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

He that plays the king shall be welcome- his Majesty shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not sigh gratis; the humorous man shall end his part in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose lungs are tickle o' th' sere; and the lady shall say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt fort.

He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day together, - running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave.

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

History is written by the victors.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones?

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

I am committed to curbing the influence of money in our political system.

I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my derision and contempt . . .

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lying and what is good acting but convincing lying?

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

I am not an economist. I am an honest man!

I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.

I am trying to be honest with you and it hurts me. Now.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I believe he [Saddam Hussein] wants a better relationship with America.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

I bet the human brain is a kludge

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is not meant to be humorous. This story is meant to winch your ribs open and tamper with your heart. This story is meant to make you realize that your chances of happiness in this world are terribly slim if you lack a fine imagination.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.