Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

In leadership we teach we teach;Don't send your ducks to eagle school because it wont help.Ducks finishes eagle school,sees his first rabbit, makes him a friend.

Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.

In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they've slid under the table.

In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the people whose faces appeared in such publications as Town and Queen could afford to eat in restaurants serving food which would leave them looking and feeling better instead of worse.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

[In Moscow] we got through to [Soviet leaders] Brezhnev and Kosygin on the telephone. I think it was because nobody had ever tried to call them at home before.

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.

In my creative films, if there was something, some humorous moment that is lost to a non-Korean speaking audience, I'll be very sad.

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as audible laughter.

In my serious work I am striving for the essence of things and for goals which are possibly unobtainable. On the other hand, everything humorous has great attraction for me, and a childish streak leads me into all kinds of frivolous endeavour.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."

In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article

In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.

Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head?

In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which it is impossible to attach a well-defined meaning.

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.

Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

I pledge that I have no intention of raising taxes in my second term.

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion.

I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.

I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to do some proper reporting, but keep it on sort of a humorous level. I've always had a very happy experience writing for them.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I remember the day we were hanging around the band's commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word "hype" was coined on that very day.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom.

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I take full responsability...for what we did. It was the right thing to do.