Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Bargaining is a repulsive habit; compromise is one of the highest human virtues - the difference between the two being that the first is practised on the Continent, the latter in Great Britain.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

Be comfortable with who you are', reads the headline on the Hush Puppies poster. Are they mad? If people were comfortable with who they were, they'd never buy any products except the ones they needed, and then where would the advertising industry be?

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

Beer is a wholesome liquor.....it abounds with nourishment

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Being bored is an insult to oneself.

Being seventy is not a sin. It's not a joy, either.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath - black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

Brothers are a blessing for one thing. There is no possibility of any young lady getting unreasonably conceited if she be endowed with them.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Celebrity is death - celebrity - that's the worst thing that can happen to an actor.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.

Close friends and relatives, while not meaning to do so, often handicap on through 'opinions' and sometimes though ridicule, which is meant to be humorous. Thousands of men and women carry inferiority complexes with them all through life, because some well-meaning, but ignorant person destroyed their confidence through opinions or ridicule

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually Good. Do you realize that?

Comedy is to force us to observe ourselves in ways that are humorous and yet, at the end of the day, that cause us enough discomfort with the status quo to make a change.