Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

....I'd rather travel in Cargo-nanoships than a Bullet-train to reach my target.

I doubt very much that writers ever go to therapy. I wouldn't! I imagine that I wouldn't have anything to write about after!

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable.

Dude! Get a fucking grip, it's just a song! When had I turned into a 5-yr-old girl? At the very least, I needed to get my libido under control before the song finished, because I didn’t think that my raging hard-on would be a good icebreaker. Well, figuratively speaking anyway, I thought smugly.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Dude, socks. If you just wore socks, this wouldn’t have happened.

If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.

If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle! But a vemon was a made creature, as if one took the front half of the Lab and jammed it onto the back half of thr poodle. In other words, wrong.

If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle! But a vemon was a made creature, as if one took the front half of the Lab and jammed it onto the back half of the poodle. In other words, wrong

If a man can save himself, there is no need for a Saviour.

I fail to see how turning the subject over like compost can do anything except raise its stink.

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.

if anyone comes into my domain without explicit permission, I’m going to impale you in a way that will give you the very best idea of what it feels like to be a corn dog.

If anything in nature was as beautiful as it was deadly, it was she.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. If you still don't succeed, blame someone else.

If being ugly was a crime, they'd be hunting that woman down with helicopters and bloodhounds.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

I feel sorry for Rick Astley, one day he is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

If god is dead, who's going to fix this mess?

If God gave Abraham a ram to prevent his slaying Isaac, He might stick a donkey in the bush for me to ride up this infernal mountainside.” ~ Grace Madison, PhD.

If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!

If he's after sledge I'd say he's a bottom, and a very sore one if he succeeds , cos your bro looks like he's got a third leg down there, it's so fucking huge. Got an eyeful once when I walked in on him while he was showering"...

If I Am murdered en route it will have been well worth while!

If I could out run the Angel of Death I'd probably die from lack of breath!

If Humphrey Bogart were alive today, he'd probably be dead by now." -- Glen Schultz

if I decide to help you, I want only two things in return. Freedom for my people" - it was what he planned to bargin for all along, and one bargain was good as any other - "and possessiom of the girl." "I'm afraid she's not on the table," Blue eyes said. "Of course she isn't on the table," he said confused. "She's right in front of you.

If I had echolocation I could map out the terrain of ab muscles through sheer force of will. His cut body is meant to be relief mapped the way Braille is meant to be read. With my fingertips.

If I fuck you, you’ll think all your prayers have been answered. I’ll make you see god, Middleton. I’ll make you think I am god.” Ty Henderson - Act Your Age

If I had not lived so long I wouldn't be so old!

If I had wanted children of my own, I would have gotten married. If I had wanted to get married, I would have fallen in love. If I had wanted to fall in love, I would have met the right girl. If I had wanted to meet the right girl, I would have drank a whole lot less.

If I ever figured out how to go back in time, I'd tell my nine-year-old self to run the other way when a gnome showed up in her room promising a life of magic and adventure.

If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!

If I'll be funnier than this, I'll become a joke.

I find it wonderful how a microwave, a wet paper towel and 15 seconds can extend the life, taste and quality of pretty much any cake donut.

I fink it is a femuw. A femuw of a winowcowus... A a-stinct winocowus.

If men had to have babies there wouldn’t be any sex life left.

If it’s going to be two against one, make sure you aren’t the one.

If I want to dress up like Princess Leia and lightsaber fight the clone army in my living room, well the Han Solo in my life is just going to have to accept it.

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

If only, I thought, I could talk to Eugene just one more time. This was before I came to understand that you cannot make someone fall in love with you But here's what you can do. By arguing and pleading and screaming and crying and throwing plates and phoning a lot and bringing hot food and sending flowers and buying gifts and doing unsolicited favors and remembering a birthday and being nice and declaring your abiding love and trying hard or sometimes merely by being present, you can make someone who was hitherto lukewarm really detest you.

If procrastination was so easy then why are not more people doing it?

If people fainted from too much thinking I’d scarcely ever be conscious,” Tabitha began at once. “I think and think all the time, and I’ve never fainted – not once.” She looked over at Barney enviously. “Why do the best things always happen to other people and not to a promising writer?

If polar bears live at the North Pole, why doesn’t Santa use them to pull the sleigh?” Brogan asked, licking mustard off his thumb with the air of someone who thought they’d won the argument, which was dumb, because he never won. Embry was the uncontested champion of arguing in their house. “Are you high?” Embry asked. “Have you seen a fucking polar bear? There’s no way they’re as aerodynamic as reindeer.” “Polar bears make about as much sense as reindeer, seeing as neither of them can actually fly,” Brogan pointed out. “Polar bears are stronger, too. You’d only need half as many to get the job done.” “Polar bears aren’t pack animals. You’d never get all of them attached to the sleigh at once.” “Think how cool it would be, though. A whole troop of polar bears pulling a sleigh. There should be fire somewhere. A secondary propulsion system in case the bears get tired. Like a jet engine.” His eyes went wide with awe, presumably at his own genius. “There should be a jet engine, Embry.