Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Behind every humorist who delights in knifing hypocrites is a major self-critic.

Behind every man is a woman that can easily flirt.

Being able to write a tale within a Tweet some would say was mighty sweet

Being a monk was the strangest and most perverted way of life imaginable. Monks spent half their lives putting themselves through pain and discomfort that they could easily avoid, and the other half muttering meaningless mumbo jumbo in empty churches at all hours of the day and night. They deliberately shunned anything good—girls, sports, feasting and family life.

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

... Being a Mom is hard, but trying to remain rational while hungry is even harder.

Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said.

Being Wise & Being Smart are two different things anyone can be smart but those who master the art of knowing what to overlook in this journey called life deserves to be called Wise

Believe in something, and let that something be yourself.

BELIEVE so DEEPLY that you no longer question that it is possible

Bessie was News, Leaders, and Gossip; Enid was Features, Make-up and general Sub. Whenever they were at a loss for copy they would mercilessly pillage ancient copies of Punch or Home Chat. An occasional hole in the copy was filled with a ghoulish smudge - local block-making had clearly indicated that somewhere a poker-work fanatic had gone quietly out of his mind. In this way the Central Balkan Herald was made up every morning and then delivered to the composition room where the chain-gang quickly reduced it to gibberish. MINISTER FINED FOR KISSING IN PUBIC. WEDDING BULLS RING OUT FOR PRINCESS. QUEEN OF HOLLAND GIVES PANTY FOR EX-SERVICE MEN. MORE DOGS HAVE BABIES THIS SUMMER IN BELGRADE. BRITAINS NEW FLYING-GOAT.

Best timepass for idle person is to find another and gossip, without realising that there are superlative degrees of idle, idler, and idlest.

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.

Be wary the treasure you pluck is not attached to the toe of a dragon.

Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide.

Birds are waterproof.

Bloated software causes IT stress farts.

Błogosławiony ten, co nie mając nic do powiedzenia, nie obleka tego faktu w słowa.

Bookstores should be broken down into two sections: books that suck and books that don’t suck.

Boys are just dogs

Borman's dumping urine. Urine [in] approximately one minute." Two lines further along, we see Lovell saying, "What a sight to behold!

Both of you be safe," Nessa said, looking to Turner. "Welcome to my messed up home, by the way." "Messed up?" Turner asked. "They seem like a loving bunch, all willing to kill each other off. What's family if there isn't any drama?" Turner winked at Nessa, and she nodded in reply. Drama was what the sidhe were all about.

Boric, feeling dizzy and light-headed, shambled toward Randor’s corpse, which was still making an impressive effort to pump blood to Randor’s head. His head unfortunately lay some three feet away — an insurmountable distance for even the most robust circulatory system.

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

Boredom is probably more frequent and more tormenting if you do not have sight or hands.

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. 'I see that my period of intellectual respite has come to an end.' Ham smiled. 'I thought up a couple beastly questions while I was gone, and I've been saving them just for you, Breeze.' 'I'm dying of anticipation,' Breeze said. He turned his cane toward Lestibournes. 'Spook, drink.' Spook rushed over and fetched Breeze a cup of wine. 'He's such a fine lad,' Breeze noted, accepting the drink. 'I barely even have to nudge him Allomantically. If only the rest of you ruffians were so accommodating.' Spook frowned. 'Niceing the not on the playing without.' 'I have no idea what you just said, child,' Breeze said. 'So I'm simply going to pretend it was coherent, then move on.' Kelsier rolled his eyes. 'Losing the stress on the nip,' he said. 'Notting without the needing of care.' 'Riding the rile of the rids to the right,' Spook said with a nod. 'What are you two babbling about?' Breeze said testily. 'Wasing the was of brightness,' Spook said. 'Nip the having of wishing of this.' 'Ever wasing the doing of this,' Kelsier agreed. 'Ever wasing the wish of having the have,' Ham added with a smile. 'Brighting the wish of wasing the not.' Breeze turned to Dockson with exasperation. 'I believe our companions have finally lost their minds, dear friend.' Dockson shrugged. Then, with a perfectly straight face, he said, 'Wasing not of wasing is.

Briar stood, pushing up her sleeves. 'It's about to get all nonfiction in here'.

Britain and America couldn't agree on shoe sizing, dress sizing, weight, distance or temperature measurements, but on the scale of breasts, we were of one voice.

...Bryan pumped his fist. “Stakeout! Will I be in plain clothes?” “Wear whatever you want as long as it’s dark,” Kirsten answered with a smile. “Permission to get snacks for my stakeout, ma’am!” Bryan said loudly as he sprung to attention.

Bunny plucked the lit cigarette from Dylan’s lips and slipped it between her own. “Always offer a lady a cigarette after sex. It’s polite.” “I look like Miss Manners to you?

But I’m sure you, dear Reader, are cleverer than that. For if it really took only so long as Lydia suspected to save the Zs, then there would be much less of this book left than there is, wouldn’t there?

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

But how do we know it's really you? I mean, I could put a saucepan on my head and call myself the God of Boiled Dumplings; wouldn't mean I was telling the truth.

But in a time of war, knowledge made interesting friendships. Soon, the scholars and the thieves were . . . well, thick as thieves.

Buford, my beloved vintage 1930’s Underwood Universal Champion Portable typewriter. You are both my writing partner and my best friend. This journey you and I have been on has been fun. Although in 2016 you gave me carpal tunnel. In both hands. Didn’t think I knew it was you, did you? You sneaky sombitch.

But if we do not dream, then I think perhaps we are misusing our heads. They are not on our shoulders only to be farms for hair.

But it's safe to say that if your period panties not being on display is the best that can be said about a situation, the situation pretty much sucks.

But I regret to inform you that you are probably not dying' 'As you will.' I take a swig from the bottle of brandy, my teeth chattering against it. I don't have the energy to argue; I must save my strength for my imminent demise.

But I was good at running really fucking fast - my hundred-meter spring was bananas. Racism sucked, but it encouraged me to run faster than the bullies. That's the only silver lining you'll find in this chapter.

...but once more I say do as you please, for we women are born to this burden of being obedient to our husbands, though they be blockheads

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

But unless we determine to take action,' said the old man querulously, as if struggling against something deeply insouciant in his nature, 'then we shall all be destroyed, we shall all die. Surely we care about that?' 'Not enough to want to get killed over it,' said Ford.

But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we imagined." Even her brother thought Simon too good for her. "Because he is a duke?" "What? No," Ralston said, truly perplexed by her instant defensive response. "Because he's an ass.

But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.

But what do you care about Qorlec?” went on Dr. Zorgone. “I heard you escaped Alsa Sif V, and immediately upon your departure,” he frowned, “you set coordinates for Earth?” He laughed softly, nastily, and Quinn felt anger shiver through her to see the twinkling mockery in his eyes. “What would your people think to know that, I wonder?” continued Dr. Zorgone, tilting his head. “The first place you ran to wasn’t Qorlec, wasn’t the ancient home of your ‘mighty’ ancestors, but the polluted shit-ball of ape people? The true home of the true empress is Earth.” His eyes danced over her, searching, hungry. “You speak Roknal and English fluently, but I bet you don’t know a damn lick of Aviye. The entirian princess isn’t even entirian --” “What do you want?” Quinn said abruptly. “What do I want?” repeated Dr. Zorgone, rolling his eyes to the starry sky. “Let’s see . . . What do I want? I always wanted an indoor pool.” Quinn’s lips tightened.

But...was he flirting? Hmm. Not sure what I thought of that. A nice office flirt did make the day go faster, but Adam was my boss, not to mention an annoying one, and I was nothing if not professional. Snort. Yeah. That made me laugh too.

But you will win a fabulous honor!" Nike reached into a basket at her side and produced a wreath of thick green laurels. "This crown of leaves could be yours! You can wear it on your head! Think of the glory!

But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot?

Buy this book , buy this book , you need this book, buy book now.' Subliminal messaging works!

But you want to know about the influence of books on my life, and as I’ve said, there was only one. Seneca. Do you know who he was? He was a Roman philosopher who wrote letters to imaginary friends telling them how to behave for the rest of their lives.. Maybe that sounds dull, but the letters aren’t – they’re witty. I think you learn more if you’re laughing at the same time.