Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Even the subconscious of a much lesser being is very good at fitting other living creatures into their respective boxes. Is this a potential meal? A potential mate? A potential threat? Almost any subconscious can give reasonably accurate answers to these questions in short order, which is good, because accuracy is important when deciding whether to bite it, flirt with it, or run away from it. That is the kind of thing you don’t want to get wrong.

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

Ever had a Dark Matter headache? Your head feels dark and hollow and goes on forever...

Ever seen the old conjurer's trick of a lady sawn in half? There's a strong aroma of sawn lady about this...don't you smell it?

Everybody needs to be good-natured with a good heart, because in this way we can solve our own problems as well as those of others, and we can make our human life meaningful.

Everybody says I am NOBODY, and you know NOBODY is Perfect.

Every child is born as angel.

Every day in New York City is a test. Work hard and pass this test, you get a chocolate cookie. From a strange man on the subway. A man without pants.

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night.

Every interaction is an opportunity to learn, Only if we are interested in improving rather than proving.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

Everyone has someone to call on when they're down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.

Everyone knows he's crazier than a shaved mule in a toboggan race.

Everyone lies. Or they have amnesia.

Everyone loves to slander everyone, and indulge in it willingly at anytime and anywhere.

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

Every person has his secret; in reverie, unbeknown to others, he finds peace, freedom, sorrow and love.

Everyone was going crazy, like they’d just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude was a rock star, their savior, and they were paying him homage.

Every so often an author comes along and changes the world. I am not that author!

Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.

Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex.

Everything that has calories in my kitchen is my favorite

Every time you die, it hurts.

Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of paper engineering – and a comprehensive dossier of phone numbers, email addresses, websites, how to get there, what to wear, where to buy the gifts. Country house hotels are being block-booked, great schools of salmon are being poached, vast marquees are appearing overnight like Bedouin tent cities. Silky grey morning suits and top hats are being hired and worn with an absolutely straight face, and the times are heady and golden for florists and caterers, string quartets and Ceilidh callers, ice sculptors and the makers of disposable cameras. Decent Motown cover-bands are limp with exhaustion. Churches are back in fashion, and these days the happy couple are travelling the short distance from the place of worship to the reception on open-topped London buses, in hot-air balloons, on the backs of matching white stallions, in micro-lite planes. A wedding requires immense reserves of love and commitment and time off work, not least from the guests. Confetti costs eight pounds a box. A bag of rice from the corner shop just won’t cut it anymore.

Every time you smoke a cigarette, God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards

...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).

Excellent. Aristotle will introduce you to the employees at the desk,' Dr. Creamintin beamed. 'What what? I shall do no such thing!" the fluffy little owl argued. 'Cease your complaining Aristotle. Until Dave and Frey return, you haven't any work to do. Now go introduce the poor girl,' Dr. Creamintin ordered. 'Nevah, I say, nevah!' the owl decided, shaking his little butt. 'Too bad, I say, too bad,' Dr. Creamintin mocked before snatching the little bird off his stand on Felisha's desk and throwing him out of the office.

face touchage" "lame-sauce" "Sulky McSulkerton

Family, can’t live with them, can’t orbitally bombard them back to the foul, oozing proto-plasma they crawled out of, I thought grimly.

Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!

...Falon sucked hard on her straw and swallowed. “You haven’t mentioned a girlfriend or a wife.” “That’s because I don’t have one.” Haley touched the tip of her nose with her finger. “Whew, I’m feeling good. I should drink more often. My ex left me a year ago for someone else,” she admitted and giggled. “I’ve been surviving on a steady diet of hate and loathing.” Falon raised her cup. “Whatever works, right?” “Yeah, I guess,” Haley agreed with a shrug and a grin. “She always complained that I wouldn’t allow myself to be exciting. Look at me now, though, I’m stranded in another country with no money or passport, wearing shorts with sea turtles on them with no underwear. I’m drunk with someone I don’t know who could very well kill me in my sleep.” The empty cup dropped from her hand onto the floor as her head lolled back against the chair. “I’m fucking exciting now.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Falon stared at Del intently, trying to figure out what was different. As usual, Del was impeccably dressed in a lavender dress that revealed her curves. Her nail polish and shoes matched her clothing perfectly. Del’s shoulder-length blond hair looked the same. “Smile at me,” Falon said suddenly, and Del showed her teeth. “You got Botox again.” “Yeah, my dentist does it at his office now. I can get my teeth cleaned and my lines erased at the same time. If I could get him to do collagen injections, I’d be set. I wish these doctors would work together. If my gynecologist worked in the same office as my dentist, I’d look like a race car in the pit. I’d get it all done in one appointment and be back on the road in no time.” Del glanced at her watch. “That reminds me, I’m going to see a plastic surgeon for a consultation tomorrow, so I’ll be late getting here in the morning.” “Would you leave your face alone? Del, you look fine.” “It’s not my face, I’m thinking about having my vagina reshaped. The other day when I was being lasered, I was staring at it in the big mirror. You can really see all your girl junk in it, but it’s kind of magnified, so I wasn’t really sure if things were as out of proportion as they seemed. When I got home, I looked at it with a hand mirror, and it still doesn’t look right to me.” Del stood and began pulling up her dress. “You’ve seen a shitload of vaginas, so I want you to tell me—” “Don’t you dare whip that out in here!” Falon covered her eyes with her hand. “I’m not looking at it, Del. I’m not!” “Come on, really?” Del looked completely taken aback. “You looked at my boobs.” “That’s because you turned them loose before I realized what you were doing.” Falon waved her hand. “Your lady junk is far more personal than boobs.” “How so?” “Cleavage,” Falon blurted out. “You wear shirts that show cleavage, that’s like a little preview. Your lady junk is a total mystery, and I want it to stay that way...

Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.

Fear is the most prodigious enemy of our soul

Felicity was horrible and snide, but then Felicity had been a repulsive earwig ever since she first grew a vocabulary.

Feeling old? Remember, you will never again be as young as your are today.

Few seem to be able to eat a turkey leg at Disneyland without splattering tsunami scale grease, so grab plenty of napkins or wear a bib, tablecloth or scuba suit.

Fiction is but a moment of bliss that takes the pain away...Like a cookie for the soul...

First we crawl. Later we crawl on broken glass.

Figyeld meg, vannak ilyenek; vörösre bőgik a szemüket a moziban valami gennyes marhaságon, és tízből kilenc a szíve mélyén aljas barom.

Find answers in your weakness and surprise in your strength and always remember the golden rule every failure has HOPES

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

F***ing triffids.

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

Follow Your Dreams, Except the One Where You’re at School in Your Underwear