Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them.

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.

There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.

There is one catagory of advertising which is totally uncontrolled and flagrantly dishonest: the television commercials for candidates in Presidential elections.

There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick.

There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.

There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle - Would you kindly direct me to hell?

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

Thery're both iron, isn't that funny?" "Funny haha or funny strange?" James handed them back to me "Funny 'occult'" "Ah. Funny strange" James looked at me sternly, "Don't start that. I'm supposed to be the humorous one

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values.

The secret of longevity... Is to keep breathing!

The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the name of Sloppy. The footman who communicated this intelligence made a decent pause before uttering the name, to express that it was forced on his reluctance by the youth in question, and that if the youth had had the good sense and good taste to inherit some other name it would have spared the feelings of him the bearer.

The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled with the low drone of insects or with a sudden sharper note as bee or bluefly shot past with its quivering, long-drawn hum, like an insect tuning-fork.

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

The steady state of disks is full.

The stupider the regime the more intelligent the people get and the more humorous.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

The telephone is the greatest single enemy of scholarship; for what our intellectual forebears used to inscribe in ink now goes once over a wire into permanent oblivion.

The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

The trouble with music appreciation in general is that people are taught to have too much respect for music they should be taught to love it instead.

The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead.

"The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned...

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together.

The thing I miss about Air Force One is they don't lose my luggage.