Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

The more you sweat in peace. The less you bleed in war. So collect deodorants from the Station Medical Centre

The more you sweat in peace. The less you bleed in war " - Collect deodorants from Station Medical Centre

The most important principle for self discovery and to taste success is rather than changing other's attitude changes your own. And always remember same sun which melts the butter also hardens the clay

The most overpowering will is the will to not work.

The most important subject in the curriculum in the future years will be how to love ourselves and be content.

The most upsetting thing about Society’s attitude towards disabled people is that many millions of disabled people became disabled while trying to please Society, the very same bitch that secretly regards them as subhuman.

Then comes what still seems surreal to me. You reach in, and instead of finding a tumor or some other abnormality, as surgeons usually do when we go into someone's belly, you find five tiny wiggling toes, a knee, a whole leg. And suddenly you realize you have a new human being struggling in your hands. You almost forget the mother on the table.

The news that Daisy Miller was surrounded by half a dozen wonderful mustaches checked Winterbourne's impulse to go straightway to see her.

The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.

Then the Miller fell off his horse.

Then perhaps you don’t need it. I think the scar gives you character, even if it does mar those pretty tattoos. Would make for great tavern stories if you didn’t cover it.” Neferre laughed flatly and stuck her hands in her pockets. “There’s nothing great about getting mugged, Ziro.” Ziro laughed, her deep voice jiggling her second chin. “Oh, aye. But no one said you had to tell the truth now, did they?

The oddly shaped man had introduced himself as a Mr. Abernathy, a wealthy friend of the family. "I'm a wealthy friend of the family," he had said. "Very rich. Friendly.

The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have become super good friends.

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.

The obvious matters are more imperceptible today.

The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as "EGO" in our Society

The only goal in life is to be happy, genuinely, intensely and consistently , regardless of what it looks like to others.

The only difference between success and failure is Lack of Vision

The only principle of Success in Life :"You must be present to win.

The only person who worries about my mother is God, and that's only because she wants His job.

The only principle which will make you more content, less bitter is to live a life that has "Less excuses, more results. Less distraction, more focus. Less me, more we. Live with "Gratitude" not with "Greytitude

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

‪The only thing that can kill me is Generosity.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

The only unreachable dream is the one you don’t reach for.

The only way to be content in life is to make sure your NEED don't become GREED.

The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal.

The orchestra had ceased and were now climbing onto their chairs, with their instruments. The floral offerings flew; the coffin teetered. "Catch it!" a voice shouted. They sprang forward, but the coffin crashed heavily to the floor, coming open. The corpse tumbled slowly and sedately out and came to rest with its face in the center of a wreath. "Play something!" the proprietor bawled, waving his arms; "play! Play!

The photographer was lost for riposte, obvious though it should have been; instead he turned to run. At least his mind did. In fact, his mind had already scooted down the Broad Walk and was clambering over the railings at the end, whereas his body had remained rooted to the spot. With some effort he looked down at his feet as if to reprimand them. They refused to take notice.

The play of a pain is a party.

The person who thinks dogs can't talk doesn't want to learn a second language.

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

The Pepto?” I asked. “The Pepto,” he sighed and read the label. “Yes, the Pepto. This, yes. The candies. They’re in here. I found them, yes. I found them here. You. You were sleeping. I found these. They’re yours, yes? I want them. If I can have them. These. These Pepto. Oh… yes. If I can have them I’d be grateful, yes… I’d follow you. I’d follow you now until the day you die. From now until then, yes. I’d follow you and I would be your one true compatriot. The Don Quixote to your Sancho Panza, the Batman to your Robin, the Huckleberry Finn to your Nigger Jim. Yours. You. And… hm… yes. From then on I’d do what you ask of me. As your one true ally to do what you need. I’d be the best friend you have. Best. All I ask for, to be yours until forever, is that you bestow upon me these delightful morsels I have found of yours for my consumptive pleasure.” “Yes,” I said, not thinking twice. “Take it. Eat’em.” “Eat’em, great,” he said. “Yes. A strange name, but I like it. That’s what you will call me then. Eat’em. Thank you for this.

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

The problem with the world is that no one knows how to shit anymore!

The problem with taxation is that authors can't write off whiskey as a business expense.

There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you’re determined to dislike for no good reason.

The real point of watching television is to forget that you have a brain.

The real certificate is to know Jesus Christ.

There are certainly a good number of alternatives to "shit," if you have a particular need to express such a feeling.

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs.

There are things in life worth dying for. Toothpaste isn't one of them.

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I'm taking a break from it tonight. I'll be back at it tomorrow.

The reason God gave cat's nine lives is because everyone hates them.

The reason for the unreason to which my reason turns so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of thy beauty. And also when he read:…the heavens on high divinely heighten thy divinity with the stars and make thee deserving of the deserts thy greatness deserves. With these words and phrases the poor gentleman lost his mind, and he spent sleepless nights trying to understand them and extract their meaning, which Aristotle himself, if he came back to life for only that purpose, would not have been able to decipher or understand.

There are times when every act, no matter how private or unconscious, becomes political. Whom you live with, how you wear your hair, whether you marry, whether you insist that your child take piano lessons, what are the brand names on your shelf; all these become political decisions. At other times, no act--no campaign or tract, statement or rampage--has any political charge at all. People with the least sense of which times are, and which are not, political are usually most avid about politics. At six one morning, Will went out in jeans and a frayed sweater to buy a quart of milk. A tourist bus went by. The megaphone was directed at him. "There's one," it said. That was in the 1960's. Ever since, he's wondered. There's one what?

There are too many questions and not enough painkillers in the world to get through them all.

There are worse things than eating the dead, my dear fellow. Far worse things. There is, for instance, making a huge profit out of their funeral, which is the normal custom in the civilized world.

The reason I might forget something is because my mind is like a computer. I have so much useless stuff stored up in there, that when I forget to clean out my Mind's Cache, it has no room for new information. Like wearing pants!

The reefer butt is called a 'roach' because it resembles a cockroach… cockroach… cockroach…