Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you can certainly lighten the load, I think, by bringing that to your trials and tribulations. It's easy to have a sense of humor when everything is going well.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is not laughter in intimacy, it becomes heavy, burdensome, and dull. At my best moments, the love dialogue I try to carry on with You each day is comic-what could be more comic than a human addressing the Ground of Being as an intimate? It's a kind of blasphemy that I dare because you have called for it, and that is pretty humorous, too.

If there was sadness in this creative world of mine, it was a pleasant sadness. If there were problems, they were humorous problems.

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

If the Wright brother were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

If you appeal to the crowd, either by being humorous or brutal or eccentric, you gain favor.

If you are watching my films and wondering, am I missing humorous speak because I'm not Korean? Am I missing out? You don't have to worry, because you're only missing probably about a few cents worth out of your ticket price.

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

If you are writing about baloney, don't try and make it Cornish hen, because that's the worst kind of baloney there is. Just make it darn good baloney.

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

If you're a fat person - and especially if you're a woman - at all stages of your life you'll get abuse for it, so you have to work out a way of dealing with it. The best way is to be humorous about it - that defuses any tension.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

If you share a good idea long enough, it will eventually fall on good people.

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

I guess the more serious you play something, if the context is funny, then it will be funny and it doesn't really require you to be necessarily, explicitly humorous, or silly.

... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.