Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.

In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article

In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which it is impossible to attach a well-defined meaning.

Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head?

Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.

I pledge that I have no intention of raising taxes in my second term.

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion.

I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to do some proper reporting, but keep it on sort of a humorous level. I've always had a very happy experience writing for them.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I remember the day we were hanging around the band's commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word "hype" was coined on that very day.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom.

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.

I suppose I look for humor in most situations because it humanizes things; it makes a character much more three-dimensional if there's some kind of humor. Not necessarily laugh-out-loud type of stuff, just a sense that there is a humorous edge to things. I do like that.

I take full responsability...for what we did. It was the right thing to do.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.