Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

If you don't have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair?

If you don't have a headache by the end of this class, I'm not doing my job.

If you don't like my book, write your own. If you don't think you can write a novel, that ought to tell you something. If you think you can, do. No excuses. If you still don't like my novels, find a book you do like. Life is too short to be miserable. If you like my novels, I commend your good taste.

if you don't like the world you live in, make a new one!

If you don't think you have enough problems, you should acquire a mammal in Sweden just hours before you're about to fly home to the other side of the world, and then insist that the animal must come along in your luggage.

If you don't succeed the first time - you're about average

If you give a writer a line, they'll take a paragraph…

If you had a piece of coal, we could hold her down, shove it up her ass, and come collect a big, fat diamond in a few days.

If you have more cavities than you have teeth you've led a 'Sweet' life.

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

If you're committed, that just means you're in agreement your undertaking could be your ticket to the asylum.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.

If you're preaching, I've already got religion. And if you're selling, I ain't buying--unless you've got binoculars. I could use some new binoculars.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

If you think I'm overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century." "You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.

If you’ve never been in a men’s room, and have only set foot in the ladies’ room at most fine (and not so fine) establishments, you need to know this: store owners hate men. No, really—this is the one area where women get treated better. We may earn seventy-seven cents on the dollar compared to men, but, by God, our public bathrooms don’t look like something out of a Soviet-era prison. Or worse—a Sochi hotel during the Olympics.

‎"If you want that kind of thing, call Nick. His advice is shit, but he really likes to give it.

If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi

If you want to convince a criminal to see things your way, start by seeing things theirs.

IF you want to be a winner than follow one simple rule and feed it in your mind. Take each task and work as " Do it yourself project.

If you were an animal, what would you be?" I wrote, "A bumblebee trying to fuck a marble.

If you were a real professional, you'd build a bridge and get over it.

If you were me, which I am,

If you will force to love someone, they will try to find the reason to loving them and they will be over confident about themselves, don't let them on sky, don't let them to fly, just keep loving of yourself, you are the only your true friend in the whole world, :) no one is love you, care you, the way you love and care of yourself :) be full of generous heart, be honest with you, be realistic, be humble, be full of joy and full of love, be careful, protect yourself and be your own HERO :) just spread the love to people :) around the world. Doesn't matter they will love you or hate you, or they are just a haters :) my love to each and every good human :) God will bless all :) keep loving and follow healthy lifestyle :)

If you wish to compare, compare yourself with God's commandment.

If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!

I gave Henry a supscription [sic] to the Book of the Month club that tells you the book you have to read every month to make your individuality stand out. And it really is remarkable, because it makes over 50,000 people read the same book every month.

I gave up drinking coffee for you. I swapped pizza for produce, and this is what I get in return?

I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.

I get better everyday, everyday I get better.

I glance at him. He's looking at me, his expression every bit as expectant as I feel. I hate this little game of ours. Maybe because I'm no good at it. He won't tell me more unless I ask. Curiosity is one of my most incurable flaws--and Galen knows it. Still, I already gave up a perfectly good tantrum for him, so I feel like he owes me. Never mind that he saved my life today. That was so two hours ago.

I glance down, and my eyes get big. "What?" He glances down, realizes why my eyes are big, and shrugs his shoulders. "It's morning." "It's cute. Can I keep it?

I give him a skeptical look. “You want to show me your dick?” “If it’ll help convince you.” He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. “Come on, let’s go.

I got hard and he was there and the next thing I knew he was on his knees. I mean, I was going to step away, but he licked me.

...I gotta burn these scales... sigh*

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

I had a maternal instinct once, it lasted 48 hours

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

Guys this good looking should not be criminals. It'll throw off the universe or something.

I had about as much chance to do that as I did of backpacking my car to the top of Mount Rushmore.

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

I hated her out of principle; and that principle was bitterness.

I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.

I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.

I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on!

I have a theory about pink pastry boxes. So much joy comes from those boxes. When someone walks into a room with a pink pastry box, joy immediately fills the room. World peace? Three words. Pink pastry box. I get a big cup of coffee and finalize my plans for world domination.

I have considered the impudent accusations of Mr Dawkins with exasperation at his lack of serious scholarship. He has apparently not read the detailed discourses of Count Roderigo of Seville on the exquisite and exotic leathers of the Emperor's boots, nor does he give a moment's consideration to Bellini's masterwork, On the Luminescence of the Emperor's Feathered Hat. We have entire schools dedicated to writing learned treatises on the beauty of the Emperor's raiment, and every major newspaper runs a section dedicated to imperial fashion ... Dawkins arrogantly ignores all these deep philosophical ponderings to crudely accuse the Emperor of nudity ... Until Dawkins has trained in the shops of Paris and Milan, until he has learned to tell the difference between a ruffled flounce and a puffy pantaloon, we should all pretend he has not spoken out against the Emperor's taste. His training in biology may give him the ability to recognize dangling genitalia when he sees it, but it has not taught him the proper appreciation of Imaginary Fabrics.