Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Abstract reason, formerly the servant of practical human reasons, has everywhere become its master, and denies poetry any excuse for existence. Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves. Of never acquiescing in a fraud; of never accepting the secondary-rate in poetry, painting, music, love, friends. Of safeguarding our poetic institutions against the encroachments of mechanized, insensate, inhumane, abstract rationality.

A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.

Acid is not for every brain .... Only the healthy, happy, wholesome, handsome, hopeful, humorous, high-velocity should seek these experiences. This elitism is totally self-determined. Unless you are self-confident, self-directed, self-selected, please abstain.

A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds.

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.

A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood.

A fool must now and then be right, by chance

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse.

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He had learnt it at elementary school; at secondary school; at his sports club; at the Komsomol; at the university; at a folk dancing course; at the chess-club.

"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it, but I don't owe it any grudge. I envys them that is so blest!

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum.

A joke is a very serious thing.

A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

All geniuses die young.

All for one; one for all.

All men are equal before fish.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

All of us knew he was a snake when we voted for him

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?