Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to take credit for his wealth or to feel ashamed of his position.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it useful or futile.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes.

Not every story lends itself tonally to humor, so you have to navigate that territory properly. You can put a humorous spin on anything, really, if you know what you're doing, but it's not always desirable to have your reader laughing on every page.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

One of the glories of doing the book So You Want to Be President? was the shifts in tone, where I was able to be humorous and then very serious. And the impeachment page is certainly the best example of that. I didn't have to think too much about how to present this one. I got the idea right away that a good way of showing the shame of President Nixon would be to put him down in the shadows under the Lincoln Monument, with Lincoln sort of glaring down at him from an elevated, better-lit position.

Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.