Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being a soldier, and I found it very humorous then and there, because of the juxtapositions [and] me and my emotional state.

Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.

""Dear girl," continued Bob advancing with an imbecile grin upon his countenance, which he imagined no doubt to be a seductive smile, "fly with me! Be mine! Share with me the wild free life of a barrister! Say that you return the love which consumes my heart - oh, say it!" Here Bob put his hand over a hole in his waistcoat and struck a dramatic attitude.

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democrats can't get elected unless things get worse-and things won't get worse unless they get elected.

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Dombey sat in the corner of the darkened room in the great arm-chair by the bedside, and Son lay tucked up warm in a little basket bedstead, carefully disposed on a low settee immediately in front of the fire and close to it, as if his constitution were analogous to that of a muffin, and it was essential to toast him brown while he was very new.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

Dressing is a matter of taste, and I've met very few Republicans with good taste.

Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

"Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the back of a -- visiting card. If there's any complaint you want to make a special study of, just you come to me, sir, and see what I can do for you. It's not every one that can say that he has had cholera three times, and cured himself by living on red pepper and brandy.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.

Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest - and so am I!

Error is a hardy plant; it flourishes in every soil.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Every Harvard class should have one Democrat to rescue it from oblivion.

Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying.

Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.