Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

When you are stressed and challenged by hardships just smile through it as frowning won’t help in changing the situation

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

When you employ HUMOR, you create a friendly, relaxed buying atmosphere.

When you're twenty-one, life is a roadmap. It's only when you get to twenty-five or so that you begin to suspect you've been looking at the map upside down, and not until you're forty are you entirely sure. By the time you're sixty, take it from me, you're fucking lost.

When your novel first peeks its head into the world, it will look pretty much like every newborn: blotchy, hairless, and utterly confused.

When you've got your health you've got everything, except a good story.

When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a woman.

Where did you get that assault weapon?" "Assault weapon?" Zach turned his head to look at her. "Well, lookey there. You're cute when you blush." Maddie's face grew hotter, but at least he'd mistaken the reason for her embarrassment. Zach turned his face back toward the ceiling. "That there's standard equipment, darlin'." "There's nothing standard about that." "I didn't hear you complaining." "Of course not. You sprang it on me when I was mentally incompetent." Zach laughed out loud. "That you were, sweet Maddie that you were." Maddie and Zach

Where's the guy who gave me Twinkies and Coke?

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it? ‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.’ Prov. xxvi. 4. ‘Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.’ Prov. xxvi. 5.

Where ya goin’?” Coleen asked. “I’m taking Lena to dinner, then we’re going dancing.” Coleen threw a hand on her hip. “You don’t smell the gumbo that’s been cooking all day? It’s your favorite. I stuffed every aquatic creature I could find into that pot. Claws and legs are hanging out all over the place.” “I’ll have some tomorrow,” Jorie said as she caught one of the screws that dropped from the blade. “I made pie, damn it. Pecan, just because I know you love it. Bring that woman here for dinner and save yourself a buck or two.” “Oh, no,” Jorie said with a laugh. “I really like her. It’s too soon to expose her to an Andolini dinner.

Where would we be without our painful childhoods?

Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands

While like most men, Sam prided himself on being equipped with a supernatural internal compass that kept him from ever being lost, he'd also learned to concede those rare times when that compass seemed to be temporary disrepair.

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in my life.

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels.

Whoa... don't go freaking out on me yet," he says with a smile, a smile I'm starting to have a real like and hate relationship with.

White? That's good. virginal. He'll be reminded this is a first for you and hopefully won't just impale you on his pork sword.

Who ever felt canary yellow and light blue are a suitable color should be tarred and feathered.

Who do I think would appreciate my book? I’m surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud?

Whoever said that money didn't buy happiness was a damn fool. A damn fool who'd never been poor.

who me?" anita blake series by: Laurell K Hamilton

Who’d have thought your screwball brother could have gone so serial-killer fucktwat insane?

Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad

Why did you buy them? Stop buyin my shit Austin! First the hay, now my horses. Why?

Why did men have to ruin everything? The answer was simple, she supposed—because foolish women gave them the chance

Why content ourselves with meager fish when we can eat our own animals, the God asked. I can not eat my own ass, though I thought it should be obvious to him. He carries me where so ever I wish.

Why don't they make chocolate horses for Easter with a belly full of gummy bears. Educational and sweet!

Why in the name of God do you wear these ugly ass granny panties? I swear it looks like you could parachute from the Dallas Lincoln Plaza with these and have a nice soft landing! Why don’t you get on the internet and apply your online shopping skills while purchasing some panties that do not look like they came from your Grans drawer?

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don't like repeating myself (insert chuckle here).

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse?

Why do they call them daytime dramas, anyway? Shouldn't they be bedtime dramas? All anyone ever talks about is getting someone into bed! Plus if you're at home watching, you're probably watching in bed. And if you're like me, after an hour or two of watching all those sexy goings-on you forget the silly story entirely and fall asleep. Just like it's bedtime!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams" This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.

Why, you boggle-eyed, flap-tongued, drag-bellied offspring of unmentionable algae! You seething little leprous blotch of bat-nibbled fungus! You cringing parasite on the underside of a dwarfish and ignoble worm!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Boxing Day" In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Look out Below!" Air Asia's catchy new advertising slogan.

Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.

Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year's Eve" The last day you can do all the things you are resolving to give up-until you give up on your New Year's resolutions.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Hillary" Has replaced the term "battle-axe" to describe an undesirable mother-in-law in 37 languages.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other. All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.

... With a slight miscalculated leap cleared to the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix.

With medical science improving at roughly the same rate as our environmental situation worsens, the most likely scenario is that the world will become uninhabitable at the precise moment the human race becomes immortal.

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?" "Yep." "The ax?" "The ax is critical." "The chalk?" "The chalk is super-critical." "The bungee cords?" "Bungee cords are the single most useful object in the universe, Wilbur. People may say it’s duct tape, but it’s actually bungee cords. All great heroes know this.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month "leave" I wonder if he will be "Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!