Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

A fool must now and then be right, by chance

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it.

A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.

A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He had learnt it at elementary school; at secondary school; at his sports club; at the Komsomol; at the university; at a folk dancing course; at the chess-club.

"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it, but I don't owe it any grudge. I envys them that is so blest!

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum.

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

A joke is a very serious thing.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

All geniuses die young.

All for one; one for all.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

All men are equal before fish.

All of us knew he was a snake when we voted for him

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it?

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

Always obey your parents - when they are present.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!

America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the most primitive technical arrangements; on the American air the world's most primitive writing is performed under perfect technical conditions.

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America

A modest ring at the bell at length allayed her fears, and Miss Benton, hurrying into her own room and shutting herself up, in order that she might preserve that appearance of being taken by surprise which is so essential to the polite reception of visitors, awaited their coming with a smiling countenance.

An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!