Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

Talkers are no good doers.

Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree.

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.

The American child is a highly intelligent human being - characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, and has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy curiosity about the world in which he lives. Lucky indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a happy and successful individual.

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

The best actors do not let the wheels show.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my admiration is matched only by my envy.

The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.

The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous.

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

The British are proud of their ability to create a muddle and then muddle through all difficulties. I must shake the British pride: muddle is not an exclusively British institution. Read descriptions, for instance, of the over-organized, wonderfully systematic and "thorough" German war machine during the last war.

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

The desire to express in an art form and to compose a tableau and vignette whether it's humorous, burlesque, or poetic comes simply from a desire to compose an image for cinema. It is not my fault that when I go to Ramallah there is a checkpoint and therefore it enters my film. Tell me a way to avoid that politicized image. The fact is that the police are everywhere, the army everywhere and occupation is total. Whether it's a love story or a thriller, you place the camera and these realities will cross the frame.

The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes.