Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is not laughter in intimacy, it becomes heavy, burdensome, and dull. At my best moments, the love dialogue I try to carry on with You each day is comic-what could be more comic than a human addressing the Ground of Being as an intimate? It's a kind of blasphemy that I dare because you have called for it, and that is pretty humorous, too.

If there was sadness in this creative world of mine, it was a pleasant sadness. If there were problems, they were humorous problems.

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

If the Wright brother were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

If you appeal to the crowd, either by being humorous or brutal or eccentric, you gain favor.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

If you are writing about baloney, don't try and make it Cornish hen, because that's the worst kind of baloney there is. Just make it darn good baloney.

If you are watching my films and wondering, am I missing humorous speak because I'm not Korean? Am I missing out? You don't have to worry, because you're only missing probably about a few cents worth out of your ticket price.

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you're a fat person - and especially if you're a woman - at all stages of your life you'll get abuse for it, so you have to work out a way of dealing with it. The best way is to be humorous about it - that defuses any tension.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

If you share a good idea long enough, it will eventually fall on good people.

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

I guess the more serious you play something, if the context is funny, then it will be funny and it doesn't really require you to be necessarily, explicitly humorous, or silly.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his

I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.