Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I know, I know. I rescued him and he’s bonded to me like a baby duck.

I know that whenever I feel my world turning upside down, nothing grounds me like a manicure.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

I laugh when i'm hurt. I laugh when i'm confused. I laugh when i'm angry. I laugh because others will laugh as well, and while we are laughing, I feel okay for a while.

I laugh. Yer crazy, I says. I was fine till I met you, he says.

I leave her to chemically combust and find Wren in the student council office, filling out extremely interesting paperwork. He’s buried behind piles of the stuff. I can barely see tufts of his blonde hair poking out. I reach into the paperwork pile and shove the two halves aside. Hundreds of them fall off the desk and to the floor. Papers drift through the air like snowflakes. Fat, boring-ass snowflakes. Wren looks up, face slack with shock. “Whatcha doing?” I ask. “Dividing up funding for the other clubs,” He whispers, clearly distraught. A paper plops onto his head and slides off dejectedly. I’m respectful for three seconds. “So anyway, I had this nightmare in which Jack was sexy and Kayla died.

I lifted my wand, hoping she would see this as a dramatic move, not a threat. “Why once, in my bunker at Charing Cross Station, I stalked the deadly prey known as Jelly Babies.” Neith’s eyes widened. “They are dangerous?” “Horrible,” I agreed. “Oh, they seem small alone, but they always appear in great numbers. Sticky, fattening—quite deadly. There I was, alone with only two quid and a Tube pass, beset by Jelly Babies, when…Ah, but never mind. When the Jelly Babies come for you…you will find out on your own.” She lowered her bow. “Tell me. I must know how to hunt Jelly Babies.” I looked at Walt gravely. “How many months have I trained you, Walt?” “Seven,” he said. “Almost eight.” “And have I ever deemed you worthy of hunting Jelly Babies with me?” “Uh…no.

I let out a sound that was definitely not a whimper. It was something far more manly, no matter what it sounded like.

I let loose a guttural roar-the cry of a man who has been deprived of his rightful kibbeh. I drew my sword and smacked the eagle with flat of the blade

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

I like to check my pulse before I get out of bed. No point getting up if I'm already dead!!

...I like the way Chee kept God magical, sorta like Santa Claus when you're a kid. More priests should take this approach, because there is a frickin' reason why Santa Claus is more popular than Jesus nowadays.

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

I’ll take a ride…ooh-rah.

I'll send three of Harnet's Di'taken. I have it on good authority that they think the sun shines out of my ass." Pole leaned forwards just enough to bring the major into his line of sight. Pole - "All of them?" Torrin - "Some of them are officers and thus blinded by the sun shining out of their own asses." Pole - "Did you just say that?" Torrin - "Yeah," Torrin offered him her hand. "Get over it.

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am

I’ll take a patato chip, and eat it!

...I'll tell you something else too; by the time we're through we shall have had all we can stand of this North woman. I wouldn't mind betting she thinks we have nothing better to do than run around in circles while she gets on with this three-act problem play of hers.

I love Naples, Florida! Although, I’m so far behind everyone else there. After all, I’m still wearing my first face!

I love round tables," said Magnus brightly. "They suit me so much better than square.

I love to laugh. Specially at myself. Sometimes I spend hours doing it.

I love you like a big fish

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

I made a candle out of earwax so I could listen better in the dark.

I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines.

I'm a beagle. I follow my nose. Sometimes my nose gets me into trouble." Buddy

...imagine you’re minding your own business, walking down the mall, looking for the perfect beard comb. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a midget ninja jumps out from behind one of those shiatsu massage chairs and rapid punches you in the stomach and lower back.

I’m Angel Crawford. Coroner’s Office.” I pointed to the logo on my work shirt. “I’m partnering with Dr. Charish in this medical mystery investigation.

I'm apparently in love with a thirteen-year-old who makes lewd sex jokes in public, shamelessly plays footsy with me under the table the whole time I'm trying to enjoy my shrimp scampi, and is insatiably horny at all hours of the day.

I’m as broadminded as the next person, I hope, but at my age thirty miles an hour and actresses all in one day is rather too much of a good thing.

I'm at the mall the other day and there's a 'brow bar.' To get your eyebrows shaped inside the makeup department. Right by the door where everyone is coming and going, can you imagine? There is no feminine mystique left. Remember how we were taught not to have our Mary Janes so polished that a boy could see up our dresses? Now they wear their underwear instead of clothes. No need for boys to peek any longer.

I'm a special kind of crazy, boy it must suck to be you

I'm an Author, not a Grammarist!

I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.

May "the Meatball" Wexler.

I may just be on the outskirts of being OK.

I'm basically one of the best people I know.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

I mean, shit, what Latino family doesn't think it's cursed?

I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.

I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?' 'People who like things neat?' 'Its not natural.

I'm hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that'll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life." He then shot her his signature grin. "But if it happens to be me, then I wouldn't say no." (Karl to Elena in The Witching Pen)

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

I'm going to do something bigger and better, bigger and better and bolder, but first, I'm going to do something smaller and worse.

I'm going to use them to track him down and thwart him." "Thwart?" Sarissa asked. "Thwart." I said. "To prevent someone from accomplishing something by means of visiting gratuitous violence upon his smarmy person." "I'm pretty sure that isn't the definition," Sarissa said. "It is today.

I'm like a circus standing on two legs.

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave.