Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I glance at him. He's looking at me, his expression every bit as expectant as I feel. I hate this little game of ours. Maybe because I'm no good at it. He won't tell me more unless I ask. Curiosity is one of my most incurable flaws--and Galen knows it. Still, I already gave up a perfectly good tantrum for him, so I feel like he owes me. Never mind that he saved my life today. That was so two hours ago.

I give him a skeptical look. “You want to show me your dick?” “If it’ll help convince you.” He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. “Come on, let’s go.

I got hard and he was there and the next thing I knew he was on his knees. I mean, I was going to step away, but he licked me.

...I gotta burn these scales... sigh*

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

Guys this good looking should not be criminals. It'll throw off the universe or something.

I had about as much chance to do that as I did of backpacking my car to the top of Mount Rushmore.

I had a maternal instinct once, it lasted 48 hours

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

I hated her out of principle; and that principle was bitterness.

I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.

I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on!

I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap

I have a theory about pink pastry boxes. So much joy comes from those boxes. When someone walks into a room with a pink pastry box, joy immediately fills the room. World peace? Three words. Pink pastry box. I get a big cup of coffee and finalize my plans for world domination.

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.

I have considered the impudent accusations of Mr Dawkins with exasperation at his lack of serious scholarship. He has apparently not read the detailed discourses of Count Roderigo of Seville on the exquisite and exotic leathers of the Emperor's boots, nor does he give a moment's consideration to Bellini's masterwork, On the Luminescence of the Emperor's Feathered Hat. We have entire schools dedicated to writing learned treatises on the beauty of the Emperor's raiment, and every major newspaper runs a section dedicated to imperial fashion ... Dawkins arrogantly ignores all these deep philosophical ponderings to crudely accuse the Emperor of nudity ... Until Dawkins has trained in the shops of Paris and Milan, until he has learned to tell the difference between a ruffled flounce and a puffy pantaloon, we should all pretend he has not spoken out against the Emperor's taste. His training in biology may give him the ability to recognize dangling genitalia when he sees it, but it has not taught him the proper appreciation of Imaginary Fabrics.

I have done some calculations and I have been able to determine that you are full of shit

I have come to see the nonsense of trying to describe fine scenery.

I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.

I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

I have no intention of dying. In fact, that will be the last thing I do!

I have never seen so much male hotness in one place in my entire life,” Rach rasps. “I fucking love America.

I have noticed that the majority of people procrastinate. In fact, it’s way more common than the common cold itself.

I have the Angela Jolie of vaginas.

I have the whole team just around the block! One call and they'll ride in here like cavalry! Riding on... robots! Giant robots! Well, not giant robots, like in Egan, but... but... big enough robots!

I have two moods: 1. Sleep is for the weak. 2. Sleeping for a week.

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.

I hope you won't mind, my dear, if we take it," said Thunder Karlsson. "Oh, not at all," said Pippi. "Of course not." And with that, Blom went over and took out the suitcase. "I hope you won't mind, my dear, if I take it back," said Pippi, as she climbed out of bed and went over to Blom.

Ihre Figur verjüngte sich einigermaßen unproportioniert nach oben, wodurch sie Ähnlichkeit mit einer Bruthenne bekam.

I’ve become remarkably good at blocking impossibly bizarre happenings from my consciousness. Denial can be a beautiful thing.

I jerk around and see Sister Dora, a portly woman who's the head cook in the kitchen, staring daggers at me. This is nothing new. She stares daggers at everyone who walks through the lunch line holding a tray, as though our needing sustenance is a personal affront.

I jumped up and down and swore violently in seventeen languages.

I just tripped over a pair of shoes and almost fell down and broke my neck and no I wasn't wearing them.

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That's, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone's ever said." "I'm willing to believe it's the least flirtatious thing you've ever said." "Why are you so hard on me when I'm so nice to you?" "Why are you so nice to me when I'm so hard on you?

I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it.

I knew there was something peculiar about you," she said. "And I mean that as the highest compliment." I'd always known I was strange. I never dreamed I was peculiar.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

I know, I know. I rescued him and he’s bonded to me like a baby duck.

I laugh. Yer crazy, I says. I was fine till I met you, he says.

I laugh when i'm hurt. I laugh when i'm confused. I laugh when i'm angry. I laugh because others will laugh as well, and while we are laughing, I feel okay for a while.

I let loose a guttural roar-the cry of a man who has been deprived of his rightful kibbeh. I drew my sword and smacked the eagle with flat of the blade

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

I know that whenever I feel my world turning upside down, nothing grounds me like a manicure.

I lifted my wand, hoping she would see this as a dramatic move, not a threat. “Why once, in my bunker at Charing Cross Station, I stalked the deadly prey known as Jelly Babies.” Neith’s eyes widened. “They are dangerous?” “Horrible,” I agreed. “Oh, they seem small alone, but they always appear in great numbers. Sticky, fattening—quite deadly. There I was, alone with only two quid and a Tube pass, beset by Jelly Babies, when…Ah, but never mind. When the Jelly Babies come for you…you will find out on your own.” She lowered her bow. “Tell me. I must know how to hunt Jelly Babies.” I looked at Walt gravely. “How many months have I trained you, Walt?” “Seven,” he said. “Almost eight.” “And have I ever deemed you worthy of hunting Jelly Babies with me?” “Uh…no.

I let out a sound that was definitely not a whimper. It was something far more manly, no matter what it sounded like.

I like to check my pulse before I get out of bed. No point getting up if I'm already dead!!