Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Love is beautiful, witch, don’t laugh about it. Love is strength. It’s the very thing we all need that makes life a little easier.

Love is my favorite drug; I overdose on it regularly.

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends. Love means nothing in tennis,But it's everything in life

Love is the reflection of a broken heart in a shattered mirror...

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.

Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.

Love wins when reflections win over reflexes.

Love yourself’ the social horde spouts from on high, mere moments later they frown at a bypassing narcissist.

Loving Reading Hot Books w/ Hot Guys!!! #hotguys #goodbooks

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~

Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

Lunar Eclipse doesn't that sound like a car you can only drive at night?

Luckily, I was not born a white man.* *This has never before been said in the history of humanity.

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

Macho and manly and stern and, oh man. Sam sighed. Guys like this were never gay. They were always the ones chasing the homos.

Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile." Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!

Machines can't lie," I said, lying through my circuits.

Madam, I have just come from a country where people are hanged if they talk.

[Maisie]:...going out for luncheon with a gentleman is definitely not the same as going out to dine in the evening. [Billy]: You get more grub at dinner, for a start -

Magic is what you make it.

Magnanimous of you.' His mouth twitched. 'Mmm. Use more words like that, please. Schoolmistress words. Long, impressive ones.' He'd made the last three words sound like an innuendo.

Ma had been very fashionable, before she married Pa, and a dressmaker had made her clothes.

Make requests, not demands. example: “please” kill that zombie honey, I’m out of bullets.

Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!

(Malory, unhopeful: "I don't suppose you have any tea?" Jesse: "DO YOU WANT EARL GREY OR DARJEELING?" Malory: "Oh, sweet heavens!")

Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown

Man be merciful, for your Maker is merciful.

Man hält sich Kinder nicht zum Vergnügen, wie Blumen oder Zebras. Kinder zu haben ist eine Berufung, eine heilige Pflicht, ein Lebensinhalt

Many a survivor of a plane crash who is or was against cannibalism and had never eaten human flesh once found themselves in a situation where they had to either eat human flesh, or go the way of all flesh.

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.

Many if not most slaves would have each readily jumped, and many if not most slaves would each readily jump, at the opportunity to be a master, if such an opportunity presents or had presented itself.

Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver’s autobiography, "Clutch Down, Dick Out", would know that perception was way off the mark.

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men 'exotic,' 'sexy,' and 'just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid.

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

Many a time, you may not even have to speak, however difficult the situation; your goatee speaks for you.

Masked by a pair of pink cotton panties, the man looks like some sort of deranged bank robber.

Martin, honey, it looks like the playboy manor threw up in here.

Marriage is like a Ferrari, only two can fit in

Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public...

Marriages are for the grownup people. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not yet the one!

Max caught the rapidly melting ice cream on his tongue. With his mouth half full, he said in a deliberately casual tone: "I'm going to write children's books. I've got a couple of ideas." [...] Max pulled his notebook from his back pocket and read aloud: "The old master magician was wondering when a brave girl might finally come along and dig him up from the garden where he had lain forgotten under the strawberries for a century and a half..." "Or the story of the little cow [...] the holy cow that always has to take the blame. I imagine that even the holy cow used to be a young calf once, before people started saying, 'holy cow, what did you say you want to be? A writer?' " Max grinned. "And another one about Claire, a girl who swaps bodies with her kitty cat." [...] "... and the one where little Bruno complains to the guardians of heaven about the family they lumbered him with... " [...] "... and when people's shadows go back to straighten their owners' childhoods out a bit..." Wonderful, thought Jean. I'll send my shadow back in time to straighten my life out. How tempting. How sadly impossible.

May as well have ox blood running through those veins,” I added, “You’re as stubborn as one.

Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over." He raised an eyebrow. "That could be easily arranged.

Maybe there is some Abnegation in everyone. Well in everyone but Peter."-Tris Prior

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me. Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me. Seriously, Lilly, if you’ve got one, groom that shit unless you want to see a grown alpha male curl into the fetal position and cry. It won’t be pretty. Just sayin

May the music rock and the guys be hot

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me.

May we do it again? She sounds remarkably bright and cheerful. 'And I didn't bleed. My mother said I would experience great agony.' 'Half an hour.' 'I beg your pardon? Your mumbling.' Eyes closed, I attempt to enunciate a little more clearly. 'In half an hour or so. Probably. And your mother was misinformed.' 'What am I suppose to do in the meantime?' 'Oh. Read a Sermon. Embroider something

McDonald, who was known to hate policemen, was once approached by two cops for a two-dollar donation. “We’re burying a policeman,” one of them said, to which Mike responded, “Here’s ten dollars. Bury five of them.

Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).