Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Today, Aaron decided, he would begin to grieve in earnest. He would walk the lonely beach, mocked by gulls, uncaring, his every step a stately rebuke to the malign forces that had blighted his fate. His was the tragedy of a man who couldn't have his own way, and he intended to make known his anguish in the solemn solitude that only a stretch of sand, a suspiring sea, and a beetling cliff could provide.

Today is a season for tomorrow's harvest

Today was the introduction, and introductions were important. The girl had to meet the boy in an equal setting – if they met any other way there’d always be a question about whether it was True Love or a more financially motivated desire that awakened the passions.

To-day well, my Utopia, if ever I framed one, would be a land where the laws demanded that people should be vicious. Then one would be able to count at any rate on a little virtue. If no man might live with a woman in any but an irregular union, there would be at once quite a run on honest matrimony and the Law Courts would be full of desperately wicked monogamists; while if every one was expected to steal and swindle, there would soon be an extensive criminal class who respected property.

Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place to be. I figured that right now, I had two choices — crawl out of the pit, or wallow and die. To wallow or not to wallow? That was the question. Look at Scarlett O’Hara. Did she cry and whine when Rhett walked out the door not giving a damn? Well, okay, she did. But not for long, I’ll bet. Not Scarlett. Same story here, baby, same story here.

Toddlers are germ-warfare machines in a cute package" - Debora Geary

To do what is right can be a dirty messy business" S. R. Tabone. Made it up for my Godfifa novel.

To enjoy a peaceful & Beautiful Life We should open our 'EYE' and Close our 'I

To exemplify, -a beautiful glossy nut, which, blessed with original strength, has outlived all the storms of autumn. Not a puncture, not a weak spot any where. -This nut... while so many of its brethren have fallen and been trodden under foot, is still in possession of all the happiness that a hazel-nut can be supposed capable of.

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Tom leaned in and spoke in a low, confidential voice, "Sir. You have a little something..." He lifted his forefinger surreptitiously to his own upper lip. Harrison brought his hand to his mustache to brush something off it, his eyes questioning. "What is it?" "Carpet remnant?" Tom suggested.

[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.

To my fellow authors heed these words with much importance, " It is redundant for a true writer to sell their soul for literary fame, since the soul is a writer's inner voice...

Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?" I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.

To see Ramses, at fourteen months, wrinkling his brows over a sentence like 'The theology of the Egyptians was a compound of fetishism, totem-ism and syncretism' was a sight as terrifying as it was comical. Even more terrifying was the occasional thoughtful nod the child would give. ...the room was dark except for one lamp, by whose light Emerson was reading. Ramses, in his crib, contemplated the ceiling with rapt attention. It made a pretty little family scene, until one heard what was being said. '...the anatomical details of the wounds, which included a large gash in the frontal bone, a broken malar bone and orbit, and a spear thrust which smashed off the mastoid process and struck the atlas vertebra, allow us to reconstruct the death scene of the king.' ... From the small figure in the cot came a reflective voice. 'It appeaws to me that he was muwduwed.'...' a domestic cwime.'...'One of the ladies of the hawem did it, I think.' I seized Emerson by the arm and pushed him toward the door, before he could pursue this interesting suggestion.

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy means Tribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Trojan is a terrible name for a brand of condom. Why name it after something that, after penetrating the wall, broke open to let (an army) of little guys pour our and (mess) things up for everyone?

True...I hear voices in my head keep talking to me. The good thing for now is...I never answer them back.

True Relations never break and relation which breaks were never true

True love was a time-honored way of escaping nearly everything—ogres, witches, bandits, tedious obligations. Her parents wouldn’t like it, but surely even they had to acknowledge that love conquered all.

Trump/Russia is Far Worse Than Watergate. It’s basically Watergate on Russian-made steroids. That would also help explain Trump’s man-boobs and crazy mood swings.

Trust me, I write fiction.

Truth like beauty seems to be in the eye and mind of the beholder.

Trust me. You’re a constant riddle with an ever-changing solution." ~ FBI Special Agent Clive Poole to Maggie Mae Castro

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think about was shopping and jellybeans. Points to the monkey mind.

Try again. No no no, eyes up, eyes up! When you bow to someone you look at them, not at the floor. Don't look at her in the eye though lad, that's rude. And not THERE, either.

Turn your diodes this way and pulse...

Try picking on someone who can handle you, you worthless little limp dick of a shit." In retrospect I could have picked my taunts a little better. Obviously, the Horned God was very sensitive about his equipment.

Turren blinked and then smiled from ear to ear. “What makes a pure soul extra purer?” “I don’t know,” Sebastian said. “I didn’t eat anything weird today.

Two powerful factors which creates difference between destroying your relationship and deepening it are EGO and Attitude

Typical St Mary’s. When the chips are down we don’t whine and we don’t run – we do some damage.

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn't get any better than this.' 'You have low standards,' Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. 'If I had two hot girls in my kitchen, I'd want them naked.' I stood immobile, seeing Chait and Hayden in my minds eye. Naked, cooking for me. Hayden glanced my way and chuckled as I dashed away.

Two kinds of people always lie about their ages: actresses and Latin American pitchers.

Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them.

Un homme de cinquante ans ne tient pas longtemps rancune à une femme de vingt-trois.

Unable to fly from his eyrie, she’d chosen to brave the precarious path down the rock face, one even a goat shifter with a death wish would walk away from.

Uncle Drew shouts. “You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.

Unfortunately...I missed out on the California Gold Rush a century before...I'll be dammed if I miss out on this one.

Umoristica (sessista): "Alcuni membri della Commissione avrebbero preferito che le donne non fossero ammesse in Irlanda, ma ci voleva pure qualcuno che stirasse

Unicorns aren't magical and beautiful. They're just predatory horses that have horns and love to eat virgins.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's sensational moments.

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food.

Vampies" I said carefully. "Sure. It all fitts," Massha nodded. "The plae skin, the sharp fangs, the red eyeliner, the way they turn into bats." "Turned into bats?" "You missed that Boss" Guido suplloed.

Versteht sich, muß er sie bezahlen !" sagte er sich; aber er konnte schon wissen, daß er seinen Söhnen nie etwas zurückforderte und daß sie ihm nie etwas zu erstatten begehrten. Das ist Eltern gesund und läßt sie zu hohen Jahren kommen, auf daß sie erleben, wie ihre Kinder wiederum von den Enkeln lustig geschröpft werden, und so geht es von Vater auf Sohn und alle bleiben bestehen und haben guten Appetit.

Vegans are always wrong, but damn pleased with themselves

Veil wouldn’t make his military invincible, but it would render every other military indefensible. Veil was it. Game over, fuckholes.

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate.