Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Raney flipped the book over and looked at the jacket cover, realized it was one of the books Bo had left at her house the first summer he'd been in Quentin--one of the few he hadn't read. "It's a novel, Grandpa. ENDER'S GAME by a man named Card. Orson Card," and she continued reading through the first page until he interrupted her again. "I just got out of the hospital--I don't want to hear a story about people having operations." "Well, what DO you want? LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE? "At least I'd learn something useful.

Rats! It's rainy outside, And to be a good fella Invite a smile so wide Nobody needs umbrella!

Realism is criminal.

Real men don't make salad

Real life... Witches: Wiccan practitioners. Werewolves: rare strain of rabies. Zombies: Prions/Plague. Vampires: Hemophilia/Porphyria

Regarding C, without a doubt, I can say that a compiler of it has been written for any hardware architecture ever created. I will not be surprised if alien spaceships had their own C compiler on board.

Remember, finding a publisher is a lot like a date. You can submit willfully and keep getting rejected, but in the end, you can always self-publish yourself.

Remember, you’re unique. And so is everyone else.

Renee: “The Greek government doesn’t know that I found anything that day in the temple. And they for sure wouldn’t want to know about the little mess I left behind.” She grimaced. Trout: “Little mess? You started a freakin’ cave in, you moron. Nice work by the way. Way to keep up international relations. ‘Uh, yeah, hi, I’m Renée, I’m an American. I’m here to, you know, like, drink all your wine, trash the joint, steal all your valuable shit and then bolt the country.’ Why didn’t you just drop your shorts and pee in the Parthenon?

Renee: “Trout, get your mind out of the gutter.” Trout: “Can’t help it—it’s attached to my body.

Resentment lies in the heart of fools.

[representative government is] deciding once in three or six years which member of the ruling class was to misrepresent the people in Parliament,

Respect is reverence out of love, Fear is reverence out of hate.Choose Wisely

Retirement is lie sex. Men love to talk about it, but when the time finally comes, they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their ties back on.

Return me safely to my home,” the princess said, “and I shall reward you with your weight in eggs.” Olorun snorted derisively. “You’re joking, right?” The woman’s eyes flitted in embarrassment. “Now wait a minute,” said Helianthus. “We’re talkin’ eggs here. What sort of eggs? Ostrich eggs?” Neferre made an impatient noise. “Hel! She doesn’t have any eggs! Unless they’re hidden in a very . . . delicate place.” Neferre grinned at the princess. “Tell me your eggs are hidden where I think they’re hidden.

Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

Rosalind exploded with a shriek worthy of a tea-kettle.

Romantic love has its place but to define relationship solely in romantic terms is like describing marriage only by what a couple does on their honeymoon.

ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. “You, get in there.” She turned her attention to the crowd. “The rest of you will take a number and have a seat.” Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.

Ryker smiled at me. “You learn quick—” I cut him off. “If you call me grasshopper, I’m going to slug you.” “Padawan.” I shoved him. It was more like shoving a tree. He didn’t even flinch. “You’re such a nerd.” “Geek, Millie. I’m a geek.” His lips twitched and it made me want to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him. I shot him a grin instead. “Only a nerd would know the difference.

¿Sabes lo que le dice la mantis hembra a la mantis macho después de hacer el amor? Fue bonito mientras duró.

Ruric clung to me and shouted, "Your father." Looking down below I saw my father running after us, several alarmed guards trailing him. As I watched, the High Lord's slight demon shape began to shimmer in a remarkable transformation that stretched him out and out and up into a huge and long, black serpentine dragon. It was a glorious sight, one I'd never thought to see. He launched himself gracefully into the air amidst shouted protests from his guards, a large dragon smile on his face that showed more free and delighted emotion than I'd ever seen on his face. ..."His poor guards. An eight-member team set out at a dead run after us. They must be having a hissy fit over my father taking off like that, alone, unguarded. Although I couldn't imagine what could possibly be of threat to a four-ton, fire-breathing dragon.

Ryker, you ride with Orlando,” Ryker mocked in a snarky voice as he turned to the other man. He gestured toward the Pinto with a look of revulsion on his rugged face. “How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let's just carry it over. It'll be faster that way.

Said Opie Read to E.P. Roe, "How do you like Gaboriau?" "I like him very much indeed!" Said E.P. Roe to Opie Read.

Salad isn't food. Salad is what food eats.

Sage went supperless to bed, and tossed and writhed all night upon a shuck mattress that was full of attentive and interested corncobs.

Sane people did what their neighbours did, so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them.

Say, Aahz?” “Hmm? Yeah, kid?” “What dimension do you come from?” “Perv.” “Does that make you a Pervert?” “No. That makes me a Pervect. Now shut up!

Save the World-ers

Scott had some sort of power, or force field. In essence, he was like fucking gay guy repellant. Not a single gay guy would come anywhere near me, let alone talk to or hit on me when he was around.

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.

Screw the shops; I want a duty-free office.

Scheer je nat of droog, maar smell like a man, man.

Scrawny little mundane bastard.

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

Seeing how I've held your penis in my hand, I think that puts you firmly in the not a stranger category.

See that car?’ It was Welch’s, parked slightly nearer one kerb than the other

See? That’s it,” he said, waving his hand. “That’s part of what makes us so great, Luce. I’m crazy. You’re crazy. Together, we make our own brand of crazy.

See, that's the problem with putting too much stock in the old days. You remember all the GOOD stuff, but you forget about the time you got spanked by your best friend's mom.

Self-observation is simply the observation of an internal state and an external event. It is pure awareness, which gives one the ability to choose one's actions. Only by having the choice can one perform what is right.

Sell your book like a can of beans & your readers will place the same value on it.

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs. Colon worked all day and Sargent Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting.

Shakespeare was so ahead of his time that people still don't talk that way.

‘Shall we go down and have a closer look?’ Hum asked. “ ‘All right. I think we have time — wait! What day is this?’ “Hum calculated silently, then said, ‘The fifth day of Luggat.’ “ ‘Damn,’ Cordovir said. ‘I have to go home and kill my wife.’ “ ‘It’s a few hours before sunset,’ Hum said. ‘I think you have time to do both.’ “Cordovir wasn’t sure. ‘I’d hate to be late.’ “ ‘Well then. You know how fast I am,’ Hum said. ‘If it gets late, I’ll hurry back and kill her myself. How about that?’ “ ‘That’s very decent of you.’ Cordovir thanked the younger man and together they slithered down the steep mountainside.

Sex and breathing are about the only two things that generally work best when they are least worried about. That, I suppose, is why the same sophisticated age that has poisoned the world with Feminism is also polluting it with Breathing Exercises.

Sex with a married woman ten years his senior was stress free and fulfilling, because it couldn't lead to anything

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.