Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.

Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes.

Not every story lends itself tonally to humor, so you have to navigate that territory properly. You can put a humorous spin on anything, really, if you know what you're doing, but it's not always desirable to have your reader laughing on every page.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.

Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

One of the glories of doing the book So You Want to Be President? was the shifts in tone, where I was able to be humorous and then very serious. And the impeachment page is certainly the best example of that. I didn't have to think too much about how to present this one. I got the idea right away that a good way of showing the shame of President Nixon would be to put him down in the shadows under the Lincoln Monument, with Lincoln sort of glaring down at him from an elevated, better-lit position.

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

On summer evenings, when every flower, and tree, and bird, might have better addressed my soft young heart, I have in my day been caught in the palm of a female hand by the crown, have been violently scrubbed from the neck to the roots of the hair as a purification for the Temple, and have then been carried off highly charged with saponaceous electricity, to be steamed like a potato in the unventilated breath of the powerful Boanerges Boiler and his congregation, until what small mind I had, was quite steamed out of me

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in Florida in pedalpushers and mink stoles - and with opinions on every subject under the sun. It isn't their fault they were given a gift like speech - look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as idiotic.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Part of the reason for the ugliness of adults, in a child's eyes, is that the child is usually looking upwards, and few faces are at their best when seen from below.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

"Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, and got herself named Peggotty?

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's a sad facet, poetry can make it more poignant.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay Gaol, which in those days was still in use and heavily populated by larcenous young men who had chosen their parents less wisely.

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin.