Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

He that plays the king shall be welcome- his Majesty shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not sigh gratis; the humorous man shall end his part in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose lungs are tickle o' th' sere; and the lady shall say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt fort.

He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day together, - running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave.

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

History is written by the victors.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones?

How can I lose to such an idiot?

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my derision and contempt . . .

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

I am committed to curbing the influence of money in our political system.

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lying and what is good acting but convincing lying?

I am not an economist. I am an honest man!

I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

I am trying to be honest with you and it hurts me. Now.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I believe he [Saddam Hussein] wants a better relationship with America.

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I bet the human brain is a kludge

I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is not meant to be humorous. This story is meant to winch your ribs open and tamper with your heart. This story is meant to make you realize that your chances of happiness in this world are terribly slim if you lack a fine imagination.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.