Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

You can’t even stay dead like a reasonable person!” he yelled, overjoyed at the sight of his brother. “What, you didn’t miss me?

You can't oversleep if you don't make plans to wake up early.

You can wipe your feet on me, twist my motives around you all you like, you can dump millstones on my head and drown me in the river, but you can't get me out of the story. I'm the plot, babe, and don't ever forget it.

You couldn’t just tell an octillion atoms to drop whatever they were doing, rearrange themselves into a completely new configuration and do some scouting for you without consequence.

You didn’t just accidentally win my favor,” I dispute, slowly shaking my forehead against his. “You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times…We might actually be able to call it even.

You didn't happen to install Windows when you upgraded me, did you?

You don't even know if she really likes you, Oberon said as we exited and I unlocked my bike. She could be doing her customer service routine and stringing you along in hopes of a big tip the next time you come in. With dogs you just go up and smell their asses and you know where you stand, it's so much easier. Why can't humans do that?

You do not know the madness of scholarly curiosity, Mr Webster. To be interested, and at the same time disinterested…

You don’t hear what I hear.

you don't know until you know!

You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.

You do remember how dangerous I am with those?” “Aye, that’s the point. Everyone will duck and cover if they see you wielding these.” “Even my teammates?” “Especially your teammates.

- You gave me a dead frog for my birthday! - To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.

You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey." "Karl, we're not fourteen!" "Don't bloody care. I was in love with you when I was fourteen -- your neck owes me a hickey." (Karl & Elena)

You got it all wrong in your way of thinking.

You gotta want it.

You have a visitor, my lord." I frowned, "What?" "That is why I came in here. You have a visitor waiting for you." I stood up, exasperated. "Why didn't you say so?" Lacuna looked confused. "I did. Just now. You were there." She frowned thoughtfully. "Perhaps you have brain damage." "It would not shock me in the least," I said. "Would you like me to cut open your skull and check, my lord?" she asked. Someone that short should not be that disturbing.

You have heard about the reindeer that pull old Santa's sled. But mostly I hate Rudolph and wish that he were dead. With his nose of red which we all know just can't be true. I wish someone would just kill him, that someone could be you. He is Santa's favorite and to the front he can be found. Instead of his red nose, "I" think it should be brown. He believes that Santa likes him and thinks that he's a winner. But Santa Claus has other plans he wants Rudolph for his dinner. Old Saint Nick is greedy this I know without a doubt. What else do you think happens to all the great toys we go without? He takes them and he breaks them be cause he doesn't care a bit. To me it doesn't matter, Why, he can keep his "Schict". Yes' it's true that I hate Santa too, dressed in his suit of silk. That's why this year with the homemade cookies, I'm going to leave some poison milk.

You have life and liberty but you have to get up off your butt to pursue your own happiness. It's not going to be handed to you.

You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity, into one of enormous respect!

You have to be careful to kill a fly that is perched on your scrotum.

YOU have to design your own Price tag for the world.

You hit the Lord of The Titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.

You held me down and rammed me so hard I deep-throated you from the other end.

You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.

You know?” he asked. “Yes. I know what I am.” “You – you do?” “I’m a time traveler.

You know, I can’t wait for her to gets married because hell is made of fire and she said it would be frozen before she gots married again.” ~ Anna Kate

You know I hate to chase. I'm only here to talk, but if you run, I'll have to chase and we both know where that usually ends up.

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it." Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death.

You know, there are several gay men on the faculty. Professor Montag makes jelly beans look colorless(...)

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He's already been told twice." Darryl the cop

You know you're having a bad week when you call 911, the paramedics come to your house, and one of them notices you've rearranged your furniture.

You know we've got it bad when a naked and gyrating Channing Tatum can't solve our problems.

You know what I could use? A thrill.

You know what we have to do?" The Italian nodded. "I know." "You don't look too happy about it." "Defacing a beautiful building is a crime." "But killing people is not?" Dee asked. "Well, people can always be replaced.

You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

You learn to smile even in you liver?' 'Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver.

You'll call me a damned Jew, a Christ murderer, a secret worshipper of pigs and a kidnapper of christian children.” This was all said cheerfully. “How absurd! Who would want to kidnap children, Christian or otherwise? Vile things. The only mercy of children is that they grow up, as my son has but then, tragically, they beget more children. We do not learn life's lessons.

You live in a damnably twisted and convoluted world," replied Mathias. "And you are trampling accross it with all the delicacy of an elephant in a glass shop!" -Conversation between Mathias Munster and Giacomo Foscarini

You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick near me." She wiggled her fingers as she slipped past him. "Toodles" Oh, he needed to tap that.

You’ll be dethroned faster than a coke snorting beauty queen.

You look good as a Pirate." Erin "Ahoy, matey," he said, laying her back against the grass. "Me cap'n's ship needs a port." V' Aidan "Me cap'n's port needs a ship." Erin

You pay for that,” he told Ian as he hopped off the hood. “You pay for that, now.” Ian and Peter ignored him, circling around the car. The passenger jumped out and ran off at a sprint, as if the very hounds of hell were nipping at his heels. The taxi driver watched him go and stamped his foot in rage. “You pay for him, too,” he yelled at the men, seething in anger.

You may want to reconsider. Cheese sticks will take residency on your ass," I respond with a sarcastic smile, tilting my head to the side. "You would know," she snorts. "Actually, I wouldn't. I don't eat this shit since I see the tons of grease that it fries in every day. But be my guest, I'm sure you wouldn't mind adding to the cottage cheese factory on your thighs.

You need to relax and be yourself, not whoever it is you’re trying to be in your mad little head. I bloody don’t, though. I’m me and I’m good at it.

You probably drink too much. If you hand me that bottle, I'll reduce your temptations. --Augustus "Gus" McCrae

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.