Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all, All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!

Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us, ZORAC announced after a short pause. The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.

Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

She needed help, but God was in a meeting whenever she rang.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.

"She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

Shortly after I met my mentor he asked me, ‘Mr. Rohn, how much money have you saved and invested over the last six years?’ And I said, ‘None.’ He then asked, ‘Who sold you on that plan?’

Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

Sing of the nature of women, and then the song shall be surely full of variety; old crotchets and most sweet closes. It shall be humorous, grave, fantastic, amorous, melancholy, sprightly, one in all, and all in one.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Sometimes the person who is the most logical is the person whom we call insane.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

Statistics are no substitute for judgment.

Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a performer.

Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard of the place. At last their supervisor showed up and set them straight by informing them that the city they had always referred to as 'Firenze' was in reality called Florence.

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.

Subversive, ethical, ecological, political, humorous ... this is how I see my duty as a designer.

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.