Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I believe he [Saddam Hussein] wants a better relationship with America.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I bet the human brain is a kludge

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is not meant to be humorous. This story is meant to winch your ribs open and tamper with your heart. This story is meant to make you realize that your chances of happiness in this world are terribly slim if you lack a fine imagination.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

I don't mind flying. I always pass out before the plane leaves the ground.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.

I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of 'Willie brewed a peck o' maut'; and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going.

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

I do sometimes miss doing that lighter, more humorous work, and I find there's a heavier responsibility that goes along with a literary reputation. You have to start knowing what you're talking about and you have to go have public conversations with writers. That's been pretty intense; I have to really stay on top of things in a way I didn't before.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.

I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

I drew pictures for and about the soldiers because I knew what their life was like and understood their gripes. I wanted to make something out of the humorous situations which come up even when you don't think life could be any more miserable.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?