Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Cụ nghiệm thấy xung đột lớn và khó tin nhất trên Trái đất này là theo kiểu: "Mày ngu, không, anh ngu thì có, không, chính mày mới là đồ ngu.". Giải pháp thường là, Allan nói, cả hai cùng cưa một chai vodka với nhau rồi sau đó nhìn về tương lai.

Cup of Joe There's nothing like a cup of joe, when the morning's grey and grim and slow, when the streets collide with the world outside, when litter lies where lilies grow. Just drink that smoking cup of black and feel your feelings surging back. Plus, spill a drop and a coffee shop will sprout up from a sidewalk crack!

curiosity did not kill the cat

Daddy had a strict rule about firearms. Anything we killed we had to eat. No amount of barbecue sauce would make a hairy guy like you palatable.

Dad climbs down from the table and sits on his cart. “Olmo, men don’t have periods.” “Eh? The brown spots I have in my underpants … Azzy told me I should get a tampon and—” Azalea plays innocent. “I never said such a thing.

Daddy,” she said, sounding almost apologetic. “There’s no one on the road. I don’t think anyone’s coming to your celebration.

Dad said I had no respect for money and that if I didn't learn when I was little when was I going to learn? Kids who get Bart Simpson dolls at the drop of a hat turn into punks who steal from convenience stores, ‘cos they wind up thinking they can have whatever they want, just like that. So instead of a Bart doll he bought me an ugly porcelain pig with a slot in its back, and now I'll grow up to be okay, now I won't turn into a punk.

Damn there were days being a woman confused the hell out of her.- Aella

Damn, he was good. I'd been professionally sullied without a single item of clothing removed.

Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god. He turned to face her, and naturally her gaze fell to his jewels. She shook her head and sighed. You warriors are so fucking hung and I really do need a man.

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

Darcy rolled the quill between his fingers and looked with benign pity upon his cousin. “You should, you know. It’s a wonderful feeling to be the head of your home, with a wife who adores you and whom you adore in return.” Fitzwilliam whipped out his pocket watch. “Oh, look at that. I have to run." Ignoring him, Darcy turned his face to the fire, a besotted look in his eyes and a smile on his lips. “It’s a good feeling to care for your family and their well-being. It makes you finally grow up, I can tell you.” He sighed deeply and began attacking his figures once more, his mind filled with unlimited love and joy, thinking on his upcoming paternal responsibilities. “I myself find women to be unbelievably wonderful creations.” “I suppose you will continue with this treacle even as I beg you to stop.” “Well, think about it…” Darcy continued, looking up from his work. Fitzwilliam groaned. “They give back to you double and triple whatever little you hand them.” “I think I’m going to be ill, Darcy. Please stop.” “You hand them disparate items of food, and they give you back a wonderful meal. You provide them with four walls and a floor, and they give you back a loving home. You give them your seed,” Darcy’s eyes misted, his voice choked with emotion. “You give them your seed, and they give you back the most precious thing of all—a child…” They sat in silence together. “And God help you if you give them shit.” Fitzwilliam was calmly packing tobacco into his pipe, and his eyes met Darcy’s for a moment. Understanding flashed between them. “Amen to that, Cousin.” Darcy crashed down to earth, quickly resuming his work

Darcy’s hand suddenly rammed angrily into a bowl of fruit and grasped an innocent, unsuspecting orange. “Enough. The woman is demented. Our marriage is simply something to which she must become adjusted. She insulted Elizabeth and her family, and in so doing, she insulted me.” With an expression as black as pitch, Darcy commenced to vivisecting the orange. By the time he finished with said orange, it was completely dead, thoroughly dead, with no semblance remaining of its prior orange existence.

Darkness is necessary for evolvement.

David: “How the hell did you get dressed so fast?” Renee: “How do you know I didn’t streak naked through the lobby and had clothes waiting for me in the car?” David: “Heh. Good thing the archaeological paparazzi didn’t have a team on duty.” Renee: “I’d have taken ’em out. My whole body is a weapon.

Day blame ornery youngins.

Dear Me, I made a jackass out of myself tonight. I couldn’t stop it. The second I saw Stacy, I sprouted big donkey ears and a tail. I don’t know why she gets under my skin. Why should I care what she thinks of me? She’ll be gone right along with Jason when Alana gets bored. Alana’s lasagna was terrible. No one noticed that I was slipping the harder pieces of it into my salad bowl and hiding them under the lettuce. It’s a good thing they don’t have a dog because if it was to eat the scraps, it would surely die. Jason and Stacy are gonna be shitting pasta shards. I feel sorry for Jason, not so much for Stacy. I’ll have to patch things up with Alana, so this may not be the right time to tell her that her cooking is lethal. She was pissed when I left her house. I’m sure she’ll tell Mom and Grammy I was a jerk. Jason was probably mad at me too. I feel a little bad about that. Me

Dear Me, Talk about getting the wind knocked out of your sails when your best friend tells you you’re turning into a grumpy hermit. She told me that at breakfast today, and I was in denial until I talked to Chase, that little fucker. I made myself happy by soaking his ass five times before lunch. I did some soul searching, and I don’t think I’m depressed, but I do think I’m becoming too comfortable with being by myself. I’m really beginning to enjoy the company of cats more than people, and that’s probably not a good thing. Sprout and Ginger are so cute right now. Ginger’s cleaning Sprout’s head, and he’s smiling. Sometimes he’ll…yeah, I really need to get out more. I think life would be simpler if people acted more like cats. Like if someone is prattling on about something I don’t care about and I pop them in the forehead, they’d understand to walk away just like a cat does. A simple hiss conveys so much. I will attempt to gradually release myself back into a social environment. Me

Dear Single Ladies, Love is precious, Remember this: You are worth pursuing. Don't Cheapen Yourself

Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them. ― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

Deep down, he's shallow.

Demane: "Gods could only carry away Homo celestialis with them, you see, because the angels had already learned to make their bodies light. But most sapiens—even those of us with fully expressed theogenetica—haven’t yet attained the psionic phylogeny necessary to sublimnify the organism.” "Do doubt," Comalo nodded mellowly. "No doubt. I'd always maybe thought it was something like that.

Der er noget galt med mig. Enten elsker jeg mit fædreland, eller også har jeg flyskræk.

Des créatures crasseuses et méchantes, brutales, parfaitement stupides, qui vivent dans le sang, la haine et leurs propres excréments. Ils s'agglutinent là, dans la nuit, comme de grosses mouches à merde autour de vitrines de luxe désertes.

De serverte te, og der vi satt rundt spisebordet kjente jeg den vanlige forventningen fra barnefamilier; Er vi ikke søte, er vi ikke pene, misunner du oss ikke, du barnløse gamle kvinne.Er vi ikke flinke med barna våre.

Despite his flaws, one has to admit that he is a whale-sized catch.” “I’ll be thrilled when someone harpoons him,” Lillian muttered, making the other two laugh.

despair all ye mortals,” he said in a voice of doom. “the mama approacheth

Despite the fact that he loves books and owns a bookstore, A.J. does not particularly care for writers. He finds them to be unkempt, narcissistic, silly, and generally unpleasant people. He tries to avoid the ones who've written books he loves for fear that they will ruin their books for him.

Did we really come all that way?" She asked. "Time flies when you're scared out of your mind." He answered.

Did you fall off the logic truck and hit your head on stupid?

Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you." "I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!" "Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

Did you know the Brits have a dish called “neeps and tatties” and not a single one of the four British people I polled has ever thought to call it “nips and titties”? Seriously, how do you miss an opportunity to call something nips and titties! I don’t care how blue your blood is, no one is so important that a solid dick joke is beneath them. (See how that works, your majesty?)

Did you once own ruby slippers, and did a house fall on your head? You're a daft little munchkin.

Did you sleep good?" "Well as can be expected without formal training I suppose

Did you truly think I was nothing but poems?

Diligence and attention soon gave him the knack of it, and he strode down the street with his mouth full of harmony and his soul full of gratitude. He felt much as an astronomer feels who has discovered a new planet—no doubt, as far as strong, deep, unalloyed pleasure is concerned, the advantage was with the boy, not the astronomer.

Does my grandma count as a bodyguard?

Displeased is too mild a word, Pauline. I would rather use the word "vexed". I would be most discomforted to know that you were "vexed" my lord, Halt said, with just the slightest trace of mockery in his tone. The Baron turned a piercing glare on him, don't take this too far, it warned him. Then we shall make it "extremely vexed", lady Pauline, he said meaningfully. I leave it to you to put it in the right form. He looked from her to Halt. You will receive the official notification of my displeasure tomorrow, Halt. I tremble in anticipation my lord, said Halt.

Does it seem like I'm out of it? No you seemed like you were in total control as you fell down the stairs.

DISARM ALL RAPISTS But what will we do With their legs?

Does the world really need another long essay on environmental archaeology and freshwater mollusks? Well, it's going to get one, whether it likes it or not.

Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?" "Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside.

Do I look like I'm compelled to do anything? Do I seriously look like anyone could compel me to even bring them a coaster?" She looked me over again. "You look like you're compelled to cause trouble, but I doubt that's the boss' directive.

Do not argue with a spuse who is packing your parachute.

Do not be your own devil.

Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.

Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling." "I didn't mean no harm," I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?" "Ah! Changing the subject, you coward.

Don’t keep those people in your life who are completely negative in approach. Eventually these people will stress you out and be the source of your downfall.

Do not open that door until I'm in my room. I may be old and losing my hair, but I still want to look nice for a handsome man.