Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

...imagine you’re minding your own business, walking down the mall, looking for the perfect beard comb. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a midget ninja jumps out from behind one of those shiatsu massage chairs and rapid punches you in the stomach and lower back.

I’m Angel Crawford. Coroner’s Office.” I pointed to the logo on my work shirt. “I’m partnering with Dr. Charish in this medical mystery investigation.

I'm apparently in love with a thirteen-year-old who makes lewd sex jokes in public, shamelessly plays footsy with me under the table the whole time I'm trying to enjoy my shrimp scampi, and is insatiably horny at all hours of the day.

I’m as broadminded as the next person, I hope, but at my age thirty miles an hour and actresses all in one day is rather too much of a good thing.

I'm at the mall the other day and there's a 'brow bar.' To get your eyebrows shaped inside the makeup department. Right by the door where everyone is coming and going, can you imagine? There is no feminine mystique left. Remember how we were taught not to have our Mary Janes so polished that a boy could see up our dresses? Now they wear their underwear instead of clothes. No need for boys to peek any longer.

I'm a special kind of crazy, boy it must suck to be you

I'm an Author, not a Grammarist!

I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.

May "the Meatball" Wexler.

I may just be on the outskirts of being OK.

I'm basically one of the best people I know.

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.

I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

I mean, shit, what Latino family doesn't think it's cursed?

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?' 'People who like things neat?' 'Its not natural.

I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?

I'm hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that'll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life." He then shot her his signature grin. "But if it happens to be me, then I wouldn't say no." (Karl to Elena in The Witching Pen)

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

I'm going to do something bigger and better, bigger and better and bolder, but first, I'm going to do something smaller and worse.

I'm going to use them to track him down and thwart him." "Thwart?" Sarissa asked. "Thwart." I said. "To prevent someone from accomplishing something by means of visiting gratuitous violence upon his smarmy person." "I'm pretty sure that isn't the definition," Sarissa said. "It is today.

I'm going to lay down for a bit" What are these bits and where do they sell them? How do I know if the bit I have is right?

I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour." Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

I'm Julia Malone and nobody has the patent on me!

I’m insane, Jorie thought. She saw herself lying in a hospital bed, her wallet and valuables gone. When asked why she got into a car with a woman she didn’t know, her reply would land her in the psych ward. Well, you see, I have this fantasy lover because, frankly, they’re so much easier to deal with. She never makes a mess, loves my demonic cat, always says the right thing at the right time. I saw this woman, and she was my dream come to life, so I just had to get into the car with her because I’m an idiot

I'm like a circus standing on two legs.

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave.

I'm more of a dog person. But I admire cats and their ability to take so much while giving so little.

I’m looking for mushrooms. Giant ones, specifically of the deadly poisonous variety.” “How come?” “Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

I’m not mad because I’m a woman,” I say. “I’m mad because you’re an asshole.

I'm not frightened by the advent of intelligent machines. It's the sarcastic ones I worry about.

I'm not helping any of you freaks!" she shouts. "I'm not the Witch of Wayland, you hear me? I'm sick of all you mutants pounding on my door for love spells and all the like! I told you, I don't do that backwoods modern-day, wannabe Wiccafuck stuff! You hear me?

I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.” If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

I’m not weird, I’m an introvert.

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls...

I'm now unmistakeably attracted to the yeti.

I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I’ve had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I’m willing to risk it.

Imogen was a bright girl naturally, but she had read so many novels that her brain was completely turned.

I'm not Weird I'm Limited Edition!

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

I'm sick and tired of everyone making fun of the size of Trump's hands. We should all be bigger than that. So should Donald Trump's hands

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...

I'm pretty well. So's the family, and so's the boys, except for a sort of rash as is a running through the school, and rather puts 'em off their feed. But it's a ill wind as blows no good to nobody; that's what I always say when them lads has a wisitation. A wisitation, sir, is the lot of mortality. Mortality itself, sir, is a wisitation. The world is chock full of wisitations; and if a boy repines at a wisitation and makes you uncomfortable with his noise, he must have his head punched. That's going according to the Scripter, that is.

I'm sorry, but you just can't fit fabulous into a backpack.

I’m sure she didn’t mean what she said. Life’s too short to hold grudges.” “No, you just have to organize your time better,” Elaine said. “I believe in grudges. They help you survive.

I must confess to generally hating sections entitled “how to read this book” and so on. I feel that, if I bought it, I should be able to read it any way I damn well please! Nevertheless, I feel some guidelines may be useful.

I'm turning into an old man. I own four pairs of oxfords, my stories get a little long winded, and my neighbors play their music too loud.