Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

Motherhood is the strangest thing, it can be like being one's own Trojan horse.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

Mr. Starr, have you no shame? Facts and law are always subordinated to the will of the American people.

Mr. Bazzard's father, being a Norfolk farmer, would have furiously laid about him with a flail, a pitch-fork, and every agricultural implement available for assaulting purposes, on the slightest hint of his son's having written a play.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

[My brother] lived in a dry gulch where the world of socks and shoes became extremely fascinating, and he felt that everyone needs a good pair of socks, and why not limit his gift giving to something that everybody needs? He thought that there was something humorous about it. So he gives socks.

My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.

My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'

My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

My life needs editing.

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to take credit for his wealth or to feel ashamed of his position.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it useful or futile.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.

New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.