Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

While I would agree that I write about serious subjects, and that they're not necessarily the most pleasant subjects or even the most pleasant people, as a writer I just think about the humorous aspects of these things - that's what keeps me going when I'm writing a story.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.

Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James)

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Why (he wondered rhetorically) do people who have a position that's being attacked constantly state that they have a right to say it, as if the right itself-rather than the statement-has been challenged?

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

Wit is educated insolence.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

Write drunk; edit sober.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You cannot just quote from history and above all you cannot take it out of context, in however humorous a fashion . On the contrary history has a natural continuity which must be respected

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous, all the attention to it, because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me.

You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.

Young singers ask me, "Do I have to live in New York?" I say, "You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York.

You nickednamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get back. The key is don't leave until you have solved both problems.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.