Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

Japan is, you often feel, an improved version of the United States.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

Judges don't age. Time decorates them.

Just because your ad looks good is no insurance that it will get looked at. How many people do you know who are impeccably groomed... but dull?

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Life's too short for chess.

Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Life is too transcendentally humorous for a man not to take it seriously. Compared with it, Death is but a shallow jest.

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It is the finest place to die in - it has always been acknowledged. It has a joie de mourir quite its own.

Living, as I do, in an educated and scientific atmosphere, I could not have conceived that the first principles of zoology were so little known. Is it possible that you do not know the elementary fact in comparative anatomy, that the wing of a bird is really the forearm, while the wing of a bat consists of three elongated fingers with membranes between?

Look at Gleason in The Honeymooners. He was humorous but the way he lived wasn't really humorous. He was a bus driver. Who wants to be a bus driver? He didn't have any money and he was not famous. But despite that, the show is humorous.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full.

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Luck is the residue of design.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!

Love has been taken away from the poets, and has been brought within the domain of true science. It may prove to be one of the great cosmic elementary forces. When the atom of hydrogen draws the atom of chlorine towards it to form the perfected molecule of hydrochloric acid, the force which it exerts may be intrinsically similar to that which draws me to you. Attraction and repulsion appear to be the primary forces. This is attraction.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan.

Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and-we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him;.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the US is an English lady in a funny hat.

Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?'

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.