Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.

We don't have a monopoly. We have market share. There's a difference.

We don't know when our name came into being or how some distant ancestor acquired it. We don't understand our name at all, we don't know its history and yet we bear it with exalted fidelity, we merge with it, we like it, we are ridiculously proud of it as if we had thought it up ourselves in a moment of brilliant inspiration.

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.

Well, I would - if they realized that we - again if - if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me.

We may observe in humorous authors that the faults they chiefly ridicule have often a likeness in themselves. Cervantes had much of the knight-errant in him; Sir George Etherege was unconsciously the Fopling Flutter of his own satire; Goldsmith was the same hero to chambermaids, and coward to ladies that he has immortalized in his charming comedy; and the antiquarian frivolities of Jonathan Oldbuck had their resemblance in Jonathan Oldbuck's creator.

We're wanted men, we'll strike again, but first let's have a beer.

We're not talking about a few rooms here with delicate personal matters involved.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.

We thought there was also something that was humorous but at the same time powerful and deep about naming the album, 'Modern Vampires Of The City'.

We will reduce the White House staff by 25 percent

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

What do you take me for, an idiot?

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

What is your Self? Self is nothing but joy. A joyous person is definitely a person who has got his Self expressing through his joy. Such a person is so joy-giving, so humorous, and never degrading anyone.

What I've always done as an entertainer is try to come up with things that people will find interesting, or compelling, or humorous.

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

What we're going for, in those humorous moments, is the absurdity of it all. The craziness of the night manager offering them an umbrella in the height of what is a horrible disaster was like, "What?!" That's Andy Greenfield, and he nailed the audition. He's the sweetest guy in the world, as is often the case with those guys, but on camera, he's so creepy that a lot of us kept saying, "You know, Andy, don't look at us like that anymore, okay? You're scaring us.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'.

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.