Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

Brothers are a blessing for one thing. There is no possibility of any young lady getting unreasonably conceited if she be endowed with them.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Celebrity is death - celebrity - that's the worst thing that can happen to an actor.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

Close friends and relatives, while not meaning to do so, often handicap on through 'opinions' and sometimes though ridicule, which is meant to be humorous. Thousands of men and women carry inferiority complexes with them all through life, because some well-meaning, but ignorant person destroyed their confidence through opinions or ridicule

Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually Good. Do you realize that?

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

Comedy is to force us to observe ourselves in ways that are humorous and yet, at the end of the day, that cause us enough discomfort with the status quo to make a change.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

constituted a critical lapse in judgement and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely responsable

Considering that "literary fiction" is a sub-genre that's not quite the same as "literature," either, it follows that the short, semi-humorous bits posted online for all to see are something absolutely other, uniquely themselves compared to canonical short stories, for example, and so it'd probably be best to call it something other than "online lit" since I honestly think very little of it can compare to so-called "literature.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being a soldier, and I found it very humorous then and there, because of the juxtapositions [and] me and my emotional state.

Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.

""Dear girl," continued Bob advancing with an imbecile grin upon his countenance, which he imagined no doubt to be a seductive smile, "fly with me! Be mine! Share with me the wild free life of a barrister! Say that you return the love which consumes my heart - oh, say it!" Here Bob put his hand over a hole in his waistcoat and struck a dramatic attitude.

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

Democrats can't get elected unless things get worse-and things won't get worse unless they get elected.