Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

If you share a good idea long enough, it will eventually fall on good people.

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

I guess the more serious you play something, if the context is funny, then it will be funny and it doesn't really require you to be necessarily, explicitly humorous, or silly.

... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his

I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not mildly, but will all my heart. To me an opera is the very climax & cap-stone of the absurd, the fantastic the unjustifiable. I hate the very name of opera - partly because of the nights of suffering I have endured in its presence, & partly because I want to love it and can't.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

"I have seen those symptoms before," said Holmes, throwing his cigarette into the fire. "Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them

I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy.

I like to think 'The God Delusion' is a humorous book. I think, actually, it's full of laughs. And people who describe it as a polarizing book or as an aggressive book, it's just that very often they haven't read it.

I like to be as diverse as possible. I think the humorous side and the serious side are both elements of my personality. It's what makes me who I am and if I was to neglect either one of those sides and just focus on one of them, it wouldn't be the full spectrum of my personality.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'll tell you how I'd like to be remembered: As a black man who won the heavyweight title - Who has humorous and who never looked down on those who looked up to him - A man who stood for freedom, justice and equality - And I wouldn't even mind if folks forgot how pretty I was.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

I love the very exposed, humorous, imperfect, never-trying to-pretend-to-be-perfect journey that I have been on in my life.

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced