Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Wit is educated insolence.

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

Write drunk; edit sober.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

You cannot just quote from history and above all you cannot take it out of context, in however humorous a fashion . On the contrary history has a natural continuity which must be respected

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous, all the attention to it, because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.

Young singers ask me, "Do I have to live in New York?" I say, "You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York.

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.

You nickednamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get back. The key is don't leave until you have solved both problems.

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.

You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

You sit back in the darkness, nursing your beer, breathing in that ineffable aroma of the old-time saloon: dark wood, spilled beer, good cigars, and ancient whiskey - the sacred incense of the drinking man.

You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you.

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has he placed you?

5. Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still really young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school. 6. Television puts a stop to crime because all the burglars and robbers, instead of going to burgle and rob, sit at home watching The Lone Ranger, Emergency Ward Ten and Dotto.

50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up

Zeus Is Dead is full of laugh-out-loud moments, lashings of sly wit, moan-worthy puns, and a complex, fast-paced storyline. There aren't very many humorous fantasy murder mysteries out there, especially not as intricately constructed as this one. Michael G. Munz takes a 'What if,' and runs with it like a toddler with Mom's smart phone. The guffaw-worthy throwaway bits will remind you of Douglas Adams. A very enjoyable read.

Zionism and pessimism are not compatible.

99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.