Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule.

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?

AN ACADEMIC DEFINITION of Lynchian might be that the term "refers to a particular kind of irony where the very macabre and the very mundane combine in such a way as to reveal the former's perpetual containment within the latter." But like postmodern or pornographic, Lynchian is one of those Porter Stewart-type words that's ultimately definable only ostensively-i.e., we know it when we see it. Ted Bundy wasn't particularly Lynchian, but good old Jeffrey Dahmer, with his victims' various anatomies neatly separated and stored in his fridge alongside his chocolate milk and Shedd Spread, was thoroughgoingly Lynchian. A recent homicide in Boston, in which the deacon of a South Shore church reportedly gave chase to a vehicle that bad cut him off, forced the car off the road, and shot the driver with a highpowered crossbow, was borderline Lynchian. A Rotary luncheon where everybody's got a comb-over and a polyester sport coat and is eating bland Rotarian chicken and exchanging Republican platitudes with heartfelt sincerity and yet all are either amputees or neurologically damaged or both would be more Lynchian than not.

Anaïs had one of those bobs with concave bangs French women seem 
to master, which make them look like adorable sixties KGB agents.

...Anand, look at the back of my hands. No hair. The sign of an advanced race, boy. And look at yours. No hair either. But you never know. With some of your mother's bad blood flowing in your veins you could wake up one morning and find yourself hairy like a monkey

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

And after the army, nothing in real life scared me. Except a shovel. And churches still put the fear of God into me…

And are you going to explain why you consider competing with me to be the most sincere form of compliment?” “Of course I am,” Lightsong said. “My dear, have you ever known me to make an inflammatorily ridiculous statement without providing an equally ridiculous explanation to substantiate it?” “Of course not,” she agreed. “You are nothing if not exhaustive in your self-congratulatory made-up logic.” “I am rather exceptional in that regard.

An Awesome Aspiring Adventure Across America Available at Amazon and Audible ... A+

And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!

And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made a noise for the last two minutes; ‘And she is always so gentle and quiet—Never was there such a quiet little thing!’ But unfortunately in bestowing these embraces, a pin in her ladyship’s head dress slightly scratching the child’s neck, produced from this pattern of gentleness such violent screams, as could hardly be outdone by any creature professedly noisy. The mother’s consternation was excessive; but it could not surpass the alarm of the Miss Steeles, and every thing was done by all three, in so critical an emergency, which affection could suggest as likely to assuage the agonies of the little sufferer. She was seated in her mother’s lap, covered with kisses, her wound bathed with lavender-water, by one of the Miss Steeles, who was on her knees to attend her, and her mouth stuffed with sugar plums by the other. With such a reward for her tears, the child was too wise to cease crying.

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

And now here I was in McDonald's again for the first time since my earlier fracas. I vowed to behave myself, but McDonald's is just too much for me. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke. 'Do you want fries with that?' the young man serving me asked. I hesitated for a moment, and in a pained but patient tone said: 'No. That's why I didn't ask for fries, you see.' 'We're just told to ask like,' he said. 'When I want fries, generally I say something like, "I would like some fries, too, please." That's the system I use.' 'We're just told to ask like,' he repeated. 'Do you need to know the other things I don't want? It is quite a long list. In fact, it is everything you serve except for the two things I asked for.' 'We're just told to ask like,' he repeated yet again, but in a darker voice, and deposited my two items on a tray and urged me, without the least hint of sincerity, to have a nice day. I realized that I probably wasn't quite ready for McDonald's yet.

And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.

Andre had never mastered the art of ironing. He usually ironed more wrinkles in than out. Pistols, knives, and explosives he could handle, but put a hot iron in his hands and chances were that he’d get hurt.

And most of the time, when you're young and dumb - you know everything! Charles Freeman Lee bebop pianist and trumpeter

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again.

And, since the IQ of a mob is the IQ of its most stupid member divided by the number of mobsters, it was never very clear to anyone what had happened

And that's the problem,' I say. 'Real macaroni and cheese doesn't come from a box, babe. It eventually comes from an oven with a crust bubbling on top.' 'Amen.' Seven holds his fist to me, and I bump it. 'Ohhh,' Chris says. 'You mean the kind with breadcrumbs?' 'What?' DeVante yells, and Seven goes, 'Breadcrumbs?' 'Nah,' I say. 'I mean there's like a crust of cheese on top. We gotta get you to a soul food restaurant, babe.' 'This fool said breadcrumbs.' DeVante sounds seriously offended. 'Breadcrumbs.

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese

And then I laugh, because it's so ridiculous and so gorgeous and it's all I can do to not melt into a fit of giggles. [...] If they're willing to accept me and my guilty conscience, why the hell shouldn't I run away with the circus?

And there you sit, gloating over what you have done, as if you were a martyr or a public benefactor -- as complacent and smug and misunderstood as a princess from the moon forced to herd goats!

And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling." Niccolo didn't know what these "clowns" were, but he made a mental not to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant.

And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.

...and who must have had something real about her, or she could not have existed, but it certainly was not her hair, or her teeth, or her figure, or her complexion.

And you’re kind of like a snowflake.’ Oh, Jesus Christ. He masked his fleeting surprise with a quirked eyebrow. ‘Excuse me?’ ‘Nothing,’ I said quickly. ‘I didn’t say anything.’ ‘No, no,’ he said, rounding on me so his face was too close, his eyes too searing, his smile too irritating. ‘I’m a snowflake, am I?

And you'd be left there like a fucking dumpling. You'd be standing there. A fucking dumpling man I'm telling ye.

An egg is always an adventure; it may be different each time

An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish accent was spot on. “The man says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. “The bartender says, ‘Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I’ll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.’ The man replies, ‘You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.’ “The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.” January’s playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. “But one week, he ordered only two.” The crowd oohed and ahhed. “He slowly drank them,” she continued darkly, “and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. ‘Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.’ “The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up.

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.

An oldtimer is a person who's had many interesting experiences, some of them true.

Anthony Bridgerton hátradőlt bőr karosszékében, elgondolkodva kortyolta a whiskyt; lötykölte, körbe áramoltatta a pohárban, majd megszólalt: - Arra gondoltam, hogy megnősülök. Benedict Bridgerton, aki éppen azon szokását gyakorolta, amit anyja annyira megvetett, nevezetesen székét két hátsó lábára billentve kissé kapatosan hintázott, erre lehuppant. Colin Bridgerton félrenyelt. Colin szerencséjére Benedict éppen időben nyerte vissza egyensúlyát, hogy erőteljesen hátba verje, mire öccse egy zöld olívabogyót állított asztalt átívelő röppályára. Kis híján fülön találta Anthonyt. Anthony megjegyzés nélkül hagyta e méltatlanságot. Nagyon jól tudta, hogy hirtelen bejelentése a meglepetés erejével hatott.

Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?" Instead of an answer, I was rewarded with a face full of graham cracker cereal and milk." - from Of Cheerleaders and Gingers

Anything can happen in Hollywood, even good things.

Anything else, Your Majesty?" "I didn't say my prayers." "I'll say them for you. Our father who art in et cetera, bless all the rotten cousins and kill Jenny. Amen.

Any day above ground is a good day.

Anything can be art, it just might be bad art.

Anyone who says the Bible is the only manual you need for daily life clearly hasn't had to do their own mechanical repairs on a Jeep

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.

A person with good heart is always happy. However its a myth because most of the time his heart is full of wounds as it except only good thing from others still he love the people who treat it right & pray for the ones who don't

Anyway, it’s unthinkable! Dragons and knights are born enemies. They need to be enemies just like dogs hate cats, cats hate mice and mice hate scientists. Without somebody to hate where would all the hate go? The hate would just boil up inside you, eat away and cause you to have indigestion then a heart attack. We need to release the anger, and we release it on dragons who release it back on us. We slay them and they roast us. It is the natural order of things, Emma.

A person never rise by pulling others down.

Apollo wanted out. Out of Aphrodite, out of this bathroom, out of this house, and out of this life.

A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one." T.K. Lukas

A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.