Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Muse usually gestured like an amphetamine-fueled Sicilian who's nearly gotten clipped by a speeding car.

My best advice is never to address any woman as Madam unless she holds a high position in government or you happen to find yourself in a brothel speaking to its owner.

My ass is taking part in the next Ass Of The Year Championships next week, at Asscot.

My best days are Monday through Friday, and Saturday and Sunday." "Ian," Wesley noted, "that covers the whole week." Ian nods his head. "Pretty much.

My bullshit metre is reading that as false'.

My boy, many people know many things. But the things we think we know of others can only become what is known if the others choose to do the doing of making what we think we know known.

My breath may smell like two inches from a landfill, but I'm a decent writer and one hell of a chef.

My dear melancholy, Enraged she's colic! Lovely indeed a fellow And so sweet a collie. Never but so mellow Can she be like a dolly? However she's so frolic! Or could she get yellow Like a peach, but jolly? You'll regret her follies!

My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-' 'No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and ... fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up!' " -Pg 280

My dear queen,” said he, “duplicity of any sort is exceedingly objectionable between married people of any rank, not to say kings and queens; and the most objectionable form duplicity can assume is that of punning.” MacDonald, George. The Light Princess: and Other Fairy Stories (Kindle Locations 193-195). Dancing Unicorn Books. Kindle Edition.

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

My dad had once told me, crimson-red deep in “the talk,” that with sons, all he had to worry about was one penis, but with a daughter, he had to worry about everyone else’s.

My Epitaph: THIS is Plan B

My father had bought him a shirt that said “Sure you can date my daughter.  In a completely unrelated topic, have you seen my shotgun?

My embarrassment was complete. If I just had passed out, that would have been bad enough. But to make matters worse, Will had carried me outside, where everyone else was; everyone in my youth group had seen Will carrying me. I felt like melting into the bench on which I sat.

My friends don't ask me anymore "How are you" they ask "Where are you

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn...

My grandmother’s voice rang in my head, 'You have to haggle. Always haggle. Otherwise, they won’t respect you.

My impression is, after many years of consideration, that there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse.

My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.

My life is a plate of perfectly edible but ordinary scrambled eggs. I want them savory, creamy, cheesy and maybe with bacon on the side.

My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny.

My mom said:‘Don’t put your finger in your brother’s ear! If you want to know how that quarter trick is done, go ask the magician.’ So I tugged on The Great Arturo's pant leg until he finally taught me how. That was my first magic trick! I was five years old.

My mouth was dry. Whispers carried on the wind as the maids around me bunched together in small groups, hysterical, morbid. I thought: who will clean the mess?

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

My parents had drinks and there were crudités for us- although they were not called crudités at the time, they were called carrots and celery.

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My question was:How did I go from merely seeing the dirty French Santa in a bar to being in his hotel room the next morning? And this presented me with an actual equation. How did one plus one equal old French Santa?

My second meeting with Vincent Starrett began on a cool Sunday afternoon in May of 1962. After a short interlude, he returned from the kitchen precariously balancing a large cup of tea on a very small saucer. It was the largest tea cup I had ever seen, large enough to startle, I am inclined to suspect, even the Mad Hatter in 'Alice in Wonderland.

My secret world of bosom sculpting is crashing down around me. I’m destined for bra-stuffing rehab in a distant boobicus minimus land. I just know it.

My quietness is a consequence of my deeply entrenched nihilism. I don’t believe there is any real value in my or anyone else’s speaking, and I think that all of human existence is fundamentally unimportant.

My sight, hearing and strength are superior and I can fly. What more do you want?

My son's got the I.Q. Of a robot but I don't have the dough to send him to school.

My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.” “But we ordered so much,” I say helplessly. “It made you happy,” he says simply. “Now I get to play with you. And that makes me happy.” “I don't think it's that simple an equation.” “Maybe not,” he concedes. “But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus.

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass." "You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason." "Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life.

My toe as a lethal weapon!

Mythology's just the folktales of people who won 'cos they had bigger swords

Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, "Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too.

Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

Nathan said nothing for a moment. Then, "There’s nothing in my fur, is there?" Simon gave the other Wolf a careful look. “No boogers.” 　　 "Good. I hate washing boogers out of fur." “Who doesn’t? What comes out of human noses is disgusting...

Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their busted up shoes and haven't had any money for medication for two weeks.

NEVER COUNT A SACRIFICE AS A COST; IT IS THE PRICE YOU MUST PAY!

Never let it be said that I never let it be said

Never underestimate the audacity of the small minded and slightly crapulous. A rather bleezed young neighbour decided to have a grammar battle with me. It lasted all of two seconds. I said something slightly amicable, and he responded with, “You sure that's how you use that word?” I put down my laundry basket and turned to him slowly and deliberately. “Do you really want to have this discussion with me, son, or do you want to go home and rethink your life?” He grumbled and vanished.

Never underestimate a septuagenarian with time on his hands.

Never say no to free food. Unless you are the free food.

Never take an idiot with you, you'll always find one when you get there

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

Nim Xik: To start his day off this badly was actually encouraging, he thought. Maybe this would finally be the worst day of his life.

Nice place," I said while prudently hovering near the only exit.