Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

The American child is a highly intelligent human being - characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, and has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy curiosity about the world in which he lives. Lucky indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a happy and successful individual.

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

The best actors do not let the wheels show.

The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.

The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous.

The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my admiration is matched only by my envy.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

The British are proud of their ability to create a muddle and then muddle through all difficulties. I must shake the British pride: muddle is not an exclusively British institution. Read descriptions, for instance, of the over-organized, wonderfully systematic and "thorough" German war machine during the last war.

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

The desire to express in an art form and to compose a tableau and vignette whether it's humorous, burlesque, or poetic comes simply from a desire to compose an image for cinema. It is not my fault that when I go to Ramallah there is a checkpoint and therefore it enters my film. Tell me a way to avoid that politicized image. The fact is that the police are everywhere, the army everywhere and occupation is total. Whether it's a love story or a thriller, you place the camera and these realities will cross the frame.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.

The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead.

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

The funniest things are the forbidden.

The fact is that Democrats are not for tax cuts.

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

The house was as empty as a beer closet in premises where painters have been at work.

The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been able to live happily for thousands of years in a state of genial frailty.