Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Don't that make your bosom plim?

Don’t tell me you have OCD about this?” “OCD, ADHD—pretty sure if they come up with some new acronym tomorrow I’d have it.

Don’t think you’re some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I’m a bitch to everyone.

Don't whine to your spouse about your daily troubles. He's had a harder day providing for you and your children. This is what you're aspiring to?

Do people call you Ollie?” Lola asked. Oliver looked at her, completely dumbfounded by the possibility of this nickname. She may as well have asked him if people call him Garth, or Andrew, or Timothy. “No,” he said flatly, and the only thing charming about him was the way his accent seemed to run through every vowel with one syllable. Lola’s eyebrow twitched in her single tell—mildly annoyed—and she lifted her flashing LED drink cup to her lips. Lola wears mostly black, including her glossy dark hair, and has a tiny diamond pierced into her lip, but, even still, she’s never been able to pull off the full physical manifestation of the angry Riot Grrrl. With her perfect porcelain skin and the longest eyelashes in the world, she’s simply too delicate. But once she decides you’re an asshole, it no longer matters to her what you think. She gives good glare. “The flower suits you,” she said, tilting her head to study him. “And you have pretty hands, kind of soft. Maybe we should call you Olive.” He grunted out a dry laugh. “And a really beautiful mouth,” I added. “Gentle. Like a woman’s.” “Aw fuck off.” He was laughing outright by then.

Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard's seed worth changes everything.

Down, boy! Couchant! I said couchant! No! Not rampant!

Doubt is delusion.

Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway. 'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream. 'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully. 'Huh?' said Lester.

Do you always travel with such cumbersome books?' 'I don't trust anyone who wouldn't.

Do you know much about the Vittra?" "Some." He held out an orange slice to me. "Want some?" "No, thanks." I shook my head. "How much is 'some'?" "I meant like a slice or two, but you can have the rest if you really want.

Do you honestly believe I would have instructed the man to pay attention to what I was saying if I'd known all the while that he is the King of Scotland?

Do you always talk in driving metaphors?" "I'm a hitchhiking ghost. It was this, or talk in Disney metaphors.

Do you follow the wrestling? Most people think it's illegal, but you can watch it there. Ruby and Python are on display this evening.

Do you mind? Just drape your arm around her shoulder. That's it. Yes this is good, Mr.Henshaw. Getting your picture taken with Daphne is a great way to introduce you to our set. Welcome to Santa Lucia!

Do you mean disrespectful? Blasphemous?" he asks. " Like Jesus, Jesus, bo-beesus, banana fanana fo-feesus, mo meesus...blasphemous to Jesus?" I just stand there like an idiot, not sure what to say to this strange man. He seems more of a wise guy than a wise man. After all, he just Name-Gamed a Third of the Trinity.

Do you recall telling Dr. Phillips during your appointment on February second of last year that you needed to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases because—let me make sure I get this correct here . . .” Taylor read out loud from her file, “Because, quote, ‘your weasel-dick husband slept with a skanky whore stripper and the cheating bastard didn’t use a rubber’?” Ms. Campbell shot up in her chair. “She actually wrote that down?” The jury tittered with amused laughter and sat up interestedly. Finally—things were starting to look a little more like Law & Order around here. “I take it that’s a yes?” Taylor asked.

...Do you need a hug?” Payton asked with a smile. Ryann chuckled as Payton walked around the kitchen cabinet and held open her arms. “Come on in.” Ryann wrapped her arms around Payton’s waist and set her chin on her shoulder. “I made that stupid Silent of the Lambs threat again, and she corrected me. That made me furious.” Payton snorted with laughter as she wrapped her arms snugly around her. “Did you ever see the movie?” “No, I don’t like serial killer flicks. Shelly told me about it.” “I didn’t think so. The killer didn’t make meat suits, he took their skin. So when you want to sound really vicious, you say something like… ‘I’ll skin you and wear one of your ass cheeks like a beanie.’” “That’s really gross,” Ryann said as she continued to hold on. “But I suppose ‘I’ll snap you like a broomstick’ doesn’t have the same effect.

Do You want to be a Starfish?

Dr. Loveless: Dang these pine needles. Why can't a forest be decently carpeted? Wild Wild West (TV) Second Season: Night of the Green Terror

[...] dropped his master's head upon the floor with a pretty loud crash, and then, without an effort to lift it up, gazed upon the bystanders, as if he had done something rather clever than otherwise.

Dude, you know I'm not getting paid for this shit, which is probably against the law. Child labor going on right here in the heartland of America! -Dan Garrett

Dylan looked promising. Tomboy. Tall and deliciously rangy. Her raven hair was unevenly sliced, streaked auburn in a patch or two. A thatch of black hair hung like a flag of bad-girl honor over Dylan’s right eye. She was delightfully loud. Her black, paint-splattered jeans were ripped at both knees. She wore a red T-shirt that proclaimed: “Ask Me About My Big Pink Pussy.

Dying is like not getting to see the end of the movie.

ELVIS & MARILYN: The deader they get - the more money they make.

Embrace tomfoolery as if it were a rich relative on his deathbed.

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit

Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.

Eve: I don't understand this word..."Freedom." Does it mean...I do what I want? Sven: Yes. Eve: Then I wouldn't have to kill anymore? Sven: No more killing.

Eternity is a ham and two people” (also given as “Eternity is two people and a ham") is an old quip from the days when a ham was huge—far more than two people could finish. Irma Rombauer mentions this line in her famous cookbook, The Joy of Cooking.

Erroh has a plan. A simple plan. It'll never work.

Ever had a Dark Matter headache? Your head feels dark and hollow and goes on forever...

Even Mom and Kitty had a bit of inhuman strength. Me? Nada. Why the hell did Kitty have all that strength and not me? What was she going to do wrangle the buffalo before she ate it?

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

Ever seen the old conjurer's trick of a lady sawn in half? There's a strong aroma of sawn lady about this...don't you smell it?

Even the subconscious of a much lesser being is very good at fitting other living creatures into their respective boxes. Is this a potential meal? A potential mate? A potential threat? Almost any subconscious can give reasonably accurate answers to these questions in short order, which is good, because accuracy is important when deciding whether to bite it, flirt with it, or run away from it. That is the kind of thing you don’t want to get wrong.

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

Everybody needs to be good-natured with a good heart, because in this way we can solve our own problems as well as those of others, and we can make our human life meaningful.

Everybody says I am NOBODY, and you know NOBODY is Perfect.

Every child is born as angel.

Every day in New York City is a test. Work hard and pass this test, you get a chocolate cookie. From a strange man on the subway. A man without pants.

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night.

Everyone has someone to call on when they're down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.

Every interaction is an opportunity to learn, Only if we are interested in improving rather than proving.

Everyone knows he's crazier than a shaved mule in a toboggan race.

Everyone loves to slander everyone, and indulge in it willingly at anytime and anywhere.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

Everyone lies. Or they have amnesia.

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.