Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob.

I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday… In spite of my instructions, that blanc-mange was brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it...I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again I should walk out of the house.

It paid to be cultured, just as long as you didn't start growing bacteria.

I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth.

It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires.

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!

It's a hat," said Jess. Manx stretched. "Yes." "A hat with - just to be clear - a lizard on it. A real, dead lizard." "An iguana, yea. It's been stuffed." "I can see that. Any idiot can see that, but it doesn;t address the issue." "The issue being?" "Manx, you're wearing a goddamn reptile! On your head! With pride! It's like you're the lovechild of Carmen Miranda and a taxidermist!

It’s all about “Priorities” There's No Such Thing as "Busy

Its all about perception in life, For some One minus One = One & for some its Zero.That's the only difference.

It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman.

It’s alright, Kitten,” Bones said. “He won’t shoot.” Tate lowered his gun, even as the sudden dizziness from blood-loss made me sway. Bones took my gun and casually handed it to Juan, who gapped at him in amazement. “You called her Kitten? And she let you? She put me in a coma for three days when I called her that. My balls never recovered from her smashing them into my spine.” “And well she should have,” Bones agreed. “She’s mine. Kitten, and no one else’s.

It's a terrible thing to be nearly sixteen and the wrong species.

It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean

It’s a vampire cabal and I’m feeling like the odd human out…or lunch.

It says adult prison on the gates, not Hogwarts. Now, get in and say hi to your new housmate.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

Its decision to suck up an extra helping of toddler soup would cost it dearly.

It's Coraline, not Caroline. Coraline.' said Coraline.

It's easy to have high morals when you'd be safe naked in the middle of San Quentin Prison.

It's easy to remember, because dating rhymes with mating, and they're almost the same [...] So your mom thinks we're ma-- Uh, dating?

It seems - and who so astonished as they? - that they had held back material facts; that they were guilty of both suppressio veri and suggestio falsi (well-known gods against whom they often offended); further, that they were malignant in their dispositions, untrustworthy in their characters, pernicious and revolutionary in their influences, abandoned to the devils of wilfulness, pride, and a most intolerable conceit. Ninthly, and lastly, they were to have a care and to be very careful.

It's funny how often we celebrate by poisoning ourselves

It’s human nature to view life from our own reality. This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than 30 seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

It's hard to tread lightly when you continue to accumulate.

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than thirty seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

It's just going to add to him thinking that I am a crazy, wanky, greenie, hybriddriving hippie," I complained. "Has he seen your bomb of a car?" Fran asked in disbelief. "Greenpeace arranges a protest every time it leaves your driveway.

It's like somebody stuffed him in a barrel full of moonshine-proof cluelessness and then left him there to get pickled in it while it fermented into malice.

It's more like how some people can't help but bring out the not necessarily righteous parts of your personality. Like how you meet someone and instantly know they're a full-time professional victim, and no matter how hard you try, something takes over and you can't help needling them.

It’s mind-blowing and delicious and better than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at the end of a rainbow.

It's not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony used to print it is the exact typeface Kubrick used for the posters and title sequences of 'Eyes Wide Shut' and '2001'. 'It's Futura Extra Bold,' explains Tony. 'It was Stanley's favorite typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers too. Clean and elegant.' 'Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to talk about?' I asked. 'God, yes,' says Tony. 'Sometimes late into the night. I was always trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to his sans serifs.

It's not polite to ask if a man has a big salami in his pants, okay?

It's okay to chase your tail now and then. Just make sure you know what to do with it when you catch it.

Its not your fault for not being there. Its my fault for thinking you would be

It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly.

It’s Savannah, the land of dishing-the-dirt and all things fried.

It's Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa. [In regards to moving out of dorms and having three bathrooms between 4 roomates]

It’s SpongeBob, Eleanor,” he said, speaking very slowly and clearly as though I were some sort of idiot. “SpongeBob SquarePants?” A semi-human bath sponge with protruding front teeth! On sale as if it were something completely unremarkable! For my entire life, people have said that I’m strange, but really, when I see things like this, I realize that I’m actually relatively normal.

It was a hot, moist armpit of a night...

It's Wednesday my dudes.

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who’d fallen in love with both a vampire and a werewolf. I’d already seen it a million times, so my eyelids grew heavy, fairly quickly. Ten minutes later I was out cold in my bed and dreaming of Duncan, who turned into a werewolf and was trying to kill my own vampire boyfriend. Every time I tried to see the vampire’s face, however, it was a blur.

It was entirely possible, she saw now, for them to have their cake and rape and murder it, too.

It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck.

It was like a nightclub rave… at 10 am… for moms and toddlers… in a library.

It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.

It was [Hugh's] omnipresent fear that some woman might be foisted on him who would turn out to be an adventuress and would blackmail him. This preoccupation made it almost impossible for him to engage a secretary.

It wasn't a lie, not at all like one of those lies she told herself all the time, like This is the last drink of the evening, or I'm not going to set the bitch's house on fire.

It was the time of year that makes every poet’s heart sing and every lawyer question their life choices.