Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

When life gives you lemons, you flip off the world, make a pitcher of margaritas, and burn your bra.

When life gives you lemons, put your lipstick on!

When just a kid, moved back to Canada and looking for a taste of England, I’d picked up a book of my Gram’s, a dog-eared romance from the ’sixties about English hospital ‘sisters’ trying to get it on with the doctors, and thought it very shocking behaviour for nuns.

When life gives you lemons, find a friend whose life has given them tequila and have a party.

When men cry, real men, we cry Man Tears. Those are tears made up of actual meat. We basically cry pork chops and steaks. Imagine a steak tearing its way out of your eye. It hurts like hell, which causes more tears. It's a vicious cycle

When one heated exchange (in English) led a commenter to write "Go fuck yourself!" in Lojban, it turned into a lengthy discussion of why he hadn't said what he meant to say, and what the proper Lojban expression for the sentiment might be.

When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?

When selecting a one-night stand, a heterosexual woman who is materialistic is a trillion times more likely to choose a sexually unattractive poor man who seems rich over a sexually attractive rich man who seems poor.

When someone says "just saying" what they really mean is, "You would be a colossal idiot to not take my advice." (on Facebook)

When the deputies asked me if I needed anything, I told them I could use a cigarette. I don't smoke but it seemed like the thing someone handcuffed in the back seat of a police car should say.

When the call ended, Haley went back into the bedroom where Falon was lying in bed with an arm over her eyes. “That was Cindy, right?” Falon asked. “Yes, and my parents are driving her crazy. I have to call them. If you want a laugh, listen to my half of the conversation.” Haley climbed into the bed next to Falon and leaned her back against the headboard. She blew out a breath and pressed a button on her phone. “Hey, Dad, I’m… I am fine… yes, I can hear you both… Well, I’m sorry… I am fine,” Haley said forcefully. “No… no… I mean it, no. I’m a grown—late tonight. No… no… absolutely not. Neither of you drive at night—no. I said no. I’m fine… I am fine… no.” She grinned at Falon when she laughed softly. “I’m not alone… no. Another ship passenger—female. No… I know. I’m a grown woman! Yes, I realize that—no! Well, this is why…. no. Yes, but don’t show up before dawn. No. That doesn’t make any sense, no. This call is a dollar a minute… no. Yes, you can bring breakfast. Yes, I will do that—I just said I would do that. Yes… no. Yes. I love you, too, bye.” “That was exhausting,” Falon said with a laugh when Haley released a heavy breath and dropped her phone into her lap.

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.

When the magic show pulls its last rabbit out of your head, it'll be time to find a new animal to work with.

When the watermelons were as large as a child's head, the women boiled them, but they collapsed into a tasteless green mush that no one could eat, not the children, not the cow.

When things are going really well, we should take time to notice it.

When they see the light at the end of the tunnel, some people run towards it. I, however, run from it as fast as I can because I know that it's attatched to a speeding train coming in our direction. And if I were you, staring at that light drooling and saying "Ooh, pretty," I would run as fast as my legs could carry me, because I don't plan on dying early with the rest of you fools.

When Uncle W. G. held out his hand to take my money, I dropped the dead mouse in his hand.

When we faced Mom, we saw she was addressing Max. "We get to know each other I'll get to hug you." "Mom!" I snapped and Mom turned to me. "I get to do it when he doesn't have a shirt on too. I'm calling it now," Mom declared.

When you are stressed and challenged by hardships just smile through it as frowning won’t help in changing the situation

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

When you employ HUMOR, you create a friendly, relaxed buying atmosphere.

Where did you get that assault weapon?" "Assault weapon?" Zach turned his head to look at her. "Well, lookey there. You're cute when you blush." Maddie's face grew hotter, but at least he'd mistaken the reason for her embarrassment. Zach turned his face back toward the ceiling. "That there's standard equipment, darlin'." "There's nothing standard about that." "I didn't hear you complaining." "Of course not. You sprang it on me when I was mentally incompetent." Zach laughed out loud. "That you were, sweet Maddie that you were." Maddie and Zach

When your novel first peeks its head into the world, it will look pretty much like every newborn: blotchy, hairless, and utterly confused.

When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a woman.

When you're twenty-one, life is a roadmap. It's only when you get to twenty-five or so that you begin to suspect you've been looking at the map upside down, and not until you're forty are you entirely sure. By the time you're sixty, take it from me, you're fucking lost.

When you've got your health you've got everything, except a good story.

Where's the guy who gave me Twinkies and Coke?

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it? ‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.’ Prov. xxvi. 4. ‘Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.’ Prov. xxvi. 5.

Where ya goin’?” Coleen asked. “I’m taking Lena to dinner, then we’re going dancing.” Coleen threw a hand on her hip. “You don’t smell the gumbo that’s been cooking all day? It’s your favorite. I stuffed every aquatic creature I could find into that pot. Claws and legs are hanging out all over the place.” “I’ll have some tomorrow,” Jorie said as she caught one of the screws that dropped from the blade. “I made pie, damn it. Pecan, just because I know you love it. Bring that woman here for dinner and save yourself a buck or two.” “Oh, no,” Jorie said with a laugh. “I really like her. It’s too soon to expose her to an Andolini dinner.

Where would we be without our painful childhoods?

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands

Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.

While like most men, Sam prided himself on being equipped with a supernatural internal compass that kept him from ever being lost, he'd also learned to concede those rare times when that compass seemed to be temporary disrepair.

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in my life.

Whoa... don't go freaking out on me yet," he says with a smile, a smile I'm starting to have a real like and hate relationship with.

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels.

White? That's good. virginal. He'll be reminded this is a first for you and hopefully won't just impale you on his pork sword.

Who ever felt canary yellow and light blue are a suitable color should be tarred and feathered.

Who do I think would appreciate my book? I’m surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud?

Who’d have thought your screwball brother could have gone so serial-killer fucktwat insane?

Whoever said that money didn't buy happiness was a damn fool. A damn fool who'd never been poor.

who me?" anita blake series by: Laurell K Hamilton

Why did men have to ruin everything? The answer was simple, she supposed—because foolish women gave them the chance

Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad

Why content ourselves with meager fish when we can eat our own animals, the God asked. I can not eat my own ass, though I thought it should be obvious to him. He carries me where so ever I wish.

Why don't they make chocolate horses for Easter with a belly full of gummy bears. Educational and sweet!

Why did you buy them? Stop buyin my shit Austin! First the hay, now my horses. Why?

Why do they call them daytime dramas, anyway? Shouldn't they be bedtime dramas? All anyone ever talks about is getting someone into bed! Plus if you're at home watching, you're probably watching in bed. And if you're like me, after an hour or two of watching all those sexy goings-on you forget the silly story entirely and fall asleep. Just like it's bedtime!

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don't like repeating myself (insert chuckle here).