Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There, in the middle of this mall is the Washington Monument, 555 feet high. But if we put a one in front of that 555 feet, we get 1555, the year that our first fathers landed on the shores of Jamestown, Virginia as slaves.

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.

There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them.

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

There is one catagory of advertising which is totally uncontrolled and flagrantly dishonest: the television commercials for candidates in Presidential elections.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.

...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.

There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle - Would you kindly direct me to hell?

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick.

There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.

There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

Thery're both iron, isn't that funny?" "Funny haha or funny strange?" James handed them back to me "Funny 'occult'" "Ah. Funny strange" James looked at me sternly, "Don't start that. I'm supposed to be the humorous one

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values.

The secret of longevity... Is to keep breathing!

The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the name of Sloppy. The footman who communicated this intelligence made a decent pause before uttering the name, to express that it was forced on his reluctance by the youth in question, and that if the youth had had the good sense and good taste to inherit some other name it would have spared the feelings of him the bearer.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled with the low drone of insects or with a sudden sharper note as bee or bluefly shot past with its quivering, long-drawn hum, like an insect tuning-fork.

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")

The stupider the regime the more intelligent the people get and the more humorous.

The steady state of disks is full.