Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

The funniest things are the forbidden.

The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.

The house was as empty as a beer closet in premises where painters have been at work.

The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been able to live happily for thousands of years in a state of genial frailty.

The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.

The Japanese are human beings like the rest of us, but they will strongly resent this insinuation.

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted.

The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake 'till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far I've had no complaints.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora.

The last time I checked, the Constitution said, 'of the people, by the people and for the people.' That's what the Declaration of Independence says.

The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . .

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

The male - I have found - is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

The most colossal display of wise, inspiring, and humorous metaphors ever exhibited in one place.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.