Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.

The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.

The desire to express in an art form and to compose a tableau and vignette whether it's humorous, burlesque, or poetic comes simply from a desire to compose an image for cinema. It is not my fault that when I go to Ramallah there is a checkpoint and therefore it enters my film. Tell me a way to avoid that politicized image. The fact is that the police are everywhere, the army everywhere and occupation is total. Whether it's a love story or a thriller, you place the camera and these realities will cross the frame.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes.

The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead.

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

The fact is that Democrats are not for tax cuts.

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.

The funniest things are the forbidden.

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

The house was as empty as a beer closet in premises where painters have been at work.

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.

The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been able to live happily for thousands of years in a state of genial frailty.

The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.

The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

The Japanese are human beings like the rest of us, but they will strongly resent this insinuation.

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora.

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted.

The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake 'till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far I've had no complaints.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

The last time I checked, the Constitution said, 'of the people, by the people and for the people.' That's what the Declaration of Independence says.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . .

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

The male - I have found - is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.