Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes the person who is the most logical is the person whom we call insane.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard of the place. At last their supervisor showed up and set them straight by informing them that the city they had always referred to as 'Firenze' was in reality called Florence.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Statistics are no substitute for judgment.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a performer.

Subversive, ethical, ecological, political, humorous ... this is how I see my duty as a designer.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings.

Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree.

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.

Talkers are no good doers.

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.

The American child is a highly intelligent human being - characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, and has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy curiosity about the world in which he lives. Lucky indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a happy and successful individual.

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my admiration is matched only by my envy.

The best actors do not let the wheels show.

The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.

The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous.