Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

Dombey sat in the corner of the darkened room in the great arm-chair by the bedside, and Son lay tucked up warm in a little basket bedstead, carefully disposed on a low settee immediately in front of the fire and close to it, as if his constitution were analogous to that of a muffin, and it was essential to toast him brown while he was very new.

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

"Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the back of a -- visiting card. If there's any complaint you want to make a special study of, just you come to me, sir, and see what I can do for you. It's not every one that can say that he has had cholera three times, and cured himself by living on red pepper and brandy.

Dressing is a matter of taste, and I've met very few Republicans with good taste.

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.

Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest - and so am I!

Error is a hardy plant; it flourishes in every soil.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

Every Harvard class should have one Democrat to rescue it from oblivion.

Every single bit of entertainment is escapism. It's because you are saying, "Let's see what this other person's life is like." And also it's beyond escapism, its entertainment and art as such can elevate the species. The entertainer supposedly is the muse. They're the ones who tell you what is wrong with society in a humorous way. They're the ones who do an expose about this or a documentary about that about the injustice of this. So it can be a very powerful medium.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.

Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.

Exactly. She does not shine as a wife even in her own account of what occurred. I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind, as you are aware, Watson, but my experience of life has taught me that there are few wives having any regard for their husbands who would let any man's spoken word stand between them and that husband's dead body. Should I ever marry, Watson, I should hope to inspire my wife with some feeling which would prevent her from being walked off by a housekeeper when my corpse was lying within a few yards of her.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Experimental music scores are enigmatic, opaque, demanding, irritating, humorous, childlike; the best, like Cardew's Treatise, are also inspiring, giving rise, on occasion, to a music of vitality, intelligence and elegance.

Fate laughs at probabilities.

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

Feb. 9, 1999 Dear Friend, Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American people in 1992 and 1996. ... And to win in 2000, I need you by my side.

First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.