Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

The surgeon tells me that you're a sorcerer," Pym said. "Is that so?" Jaki looked to the captain with the glare of the masts in his eyes. "Yes." Pym weighed this disclosure. "You speak with the dead?" "Yes." The captain's eyes screwed up intently. "What do they say to you?" "They don't talk back." Pym and Mister Blackheart laughed in unison...The captain said, "Mister Blackheart wants to know what kind of sorcerer you are." Jaki pondered a response and finally said, "I was learning to catch souls before my teacher was killed." "Souls, eh? And what do you do with them after you catch them?" "I put them back in their bodies." "Ah, then you're telling us you're a surgeon.

The tennis coach slowly moved his fingers towards his friend’s arsehole and shakily circled the rim as instructed. “Anything abnormal there?” “It’s hairy,” Butcher complained. “It is very hairy,” the doctor agreed. “But, although an arsehole that hairy is undoubtedly unusual, it’s not technically an abnormality.

The thing about our choices is that after we have made them, they turn around and make us.

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.

The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

The Truth burns the heart like a hammer breaking a rock.

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

The "word" did not "offer itself" in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, any more than Caesar's heralds would have said, "If you'd like a new kind of imperial experience, you might like to try giving allegiance to the new emperor.

The world economy would collapse if a significant number of people were to realize and then act on the realization that it is possible to enjoy many if not most of the things that they enjoy without first having to own them.

The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane

The world is made up of words.

The worst imaginable thing happens to our protagonists: they have a son who grows up to become Dennis Hopper. (“Giantess”)

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)

They aint got no medication for pilgrims waitin to take the Sunset?

They appear somewhat unreliable," he murmured. "Unreliable? Nonsense, Superior! Out of luck is all, and we both know how that goes, no? Why, there's not a man of them I wouldn't trust my mother to." "Are you sure?" "She's been dead these twenty years. What harm could they do her now?

They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique. Maybe it's my lack of fashion sense talking, but I thought they should have held out for one of these gorillas who has learned to paint. The results would have been of similar quality, and they could have paid in fresh produce.

They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it.

They love each other, marry (in order to love each other better, more conveniently). He goes to the wars, he dies at the wars. She weeps (with emotion) at having loved him, at having lost him. (Yep!) Marries again (in order to love again, more conveniently again). They love each other. (You love as many times as necessary - as necessary in order to be happy.) He come back (the other comes back) from the wars: he didn't die at the wars after all. She goes to the station, to meet him. He dies in the train (of emotion) at the thought of seeing her again, having her again. She weeps (weeps again, with emotion again) at having lost him again. (Yep!) Goes back to the house. He's dead - the other is dead. The mother-in-law takes him down: he hanged himself (with emotion) at the thought of losing her. She weeps (weeps louder) at having loved him, at having lost him.

They say there is a fine line between genius & insanity....so I picked it up & went fishing

This book is visceral like how your small intestine is visceral

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank.

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea.

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

They want your sons.” “My–? But I don’t… ew!

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.

They view New York as Satan's waiting room." "If this is the waiting room, where does the guy reside or work?" "New Jersey, I assume," Kyle said with a smile. "I mean, dude, have you been to Jersey?

This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.

Think pink but don't wear it

This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes?

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

This isn't sex." I blinked. "Oh. Then what is it?" "An emergency!" I started to argue and then thought twice about it. Considering what Mircea would do to Pritkin if he ever found out about this...Yeah. Emergency sounded good.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

This is the staff sergeant coming out," Kelly told Hagan quietly. "I'm used to it." Hagan looked him up and down, narrowing his eyes. "You come like a fire hose when he gives you an order, don't you?" "Only if he tells me to," Kelly countered with a smirk.

This moment is spectacular!

This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT? You're incrediburgable she said which is to say You're a little like incredible but a lot more like a hamburger.

This is like teaching queer remedial at the continuation high school. You were fishing, and you caught me. Don't you get that?" "Oh, hell no." Tristan just stared.

This is Nimrod, because of whose vile plan the world no longer speaks a single tongue.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

This isn’t the freaking Hunger Games, Laurie,” he shouted across the rink.

This was the kack’s cradle, icky-poo’s bassinet. It was Death and Diarrhea, singing duet.

Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile

This was different. He didn't want a woman. He wanted her. And he supposed that if he had to spend the afternoon being strange, sad, and disfigured just to be in her company, it would be well worth it. Then he remembered the wart. He turned to Miss Wynter and said firmly, "I am not getting a wart." Really, a man had to draw the line somewhere.

This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).

Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.

Those who work, knows the strength of labour.

Three eggs two slices of toast a cup of coffee an episode of Mr. Ed. A Violin and a bowl of fruit what else does a man need?