Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.

Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually Good. Do you realize that?

Close friends and relatives, while not meaning to do so, often handicap on through 'opinions' and sometimes though ridicule, which is meant to be humorous. Thousands of men and women carry inferiority complexes with them all through life, because some well-meaning, but ignorant person destroyed their confidence through opinions or ridicule

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

Comedy is to force us to observe ourselves in ways that are humorous and yet, at the end of the day, that cause us enough discomfort with the status quo to make a change.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Considering that "literary fiction" is a sub-genre that's not quite the same as "literature," either, it follows that the short, semi-humorous bits posted online for all to see are something absolutely other, uniquely themselves compared to canonical short stories, for example, and so it'd probably be best to call it something other than "online lit" since I honestly think very little of it can compare to so-called "literature.

constituted a critical lapse in judgement and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely responsable

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being a soldier, and I found it very humorous then and there, because of the juxtapositions [and] me and my emotional state.

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.

""Dear girl," continued Bob advancing with an imbecile grin upon his countenance, which he imagined no doubt to be a seductive smile, "fly with me! Be mine! Share with me the wild free life of a barrister! Say that you return the love which consumes my heart - oh, say it!" Here Bob put his hand over a hole in his waistcoat and struck a dramatic attitude.

Democrats can't get elected unless things get worse-and things won't get worse unless they get elected.

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

Dombey sat in the corner of the darkened room in the great arm-chair by the bedside, and Son lay tucked up warm in a little basket bedstead, carefully disposed on a low settee immediately in front of the fire and close to it, as if his constitution were analogous to that of a muffin, and it was essential to toast him brown while he was very new.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

"Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the back of a -- visiting card. If there's any complaint you want to make a special study of, just you come to me, sir, and see what I can do for you. It's not every one that can say that he has had cholera three times, and cured himself by living on red pepper and brandy.

Dressing is a matter of taste, and I've met very few Republicans with good taste.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.