Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of 'Willie brewed a peck o' maut'; and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going.

I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

I don't mind flying. I always pass out before the plane leaves the ground.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.

I do sometimes miss doing that lighter, more humorous work, and I find there's a heavier responsibility that goes along with a literary reputation. You have to start knowing what you're talking about and you have to go have public conversations with writers. That's been pretty intense; I have to really stay on top of things in a way I didn't before.

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drew pictures for and about the soldiers because I knew what their life was like and understood their gripes. I wanted to make something out of the humorous situations which come up even when you don't think life could be any more miserable.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

If all else fails immortality can always be assured by adequate error.

If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

If at first you don't succeed, take the tax loss.

If a President of the United States ever lied to the American people, he should resign.

If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?

I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it.

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.

If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the taxi has some kind of problem with the steering, probably dead pedestrians lodged in the mechanism, the result being that there is a delay of 8 to 10 seconds between the time the driver turns the wheel and the time the taxi actually changes direction, a handicap that the driver is compensating for by going 175 miles per hour, at which velocity we are able to remain airborne almost to the far rim of some of the smaller potholes.