Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

There's no such thing as a stupid question. Just don't be foolish enough to ask it twice.

There's no such things as sweet as dream Well maybe if you live on it But you could live such a sweet life If you'd just realized how alive your dreams beat

There's nothing sexier than imaging myself as an Oxford comma getting unambiguously banged. Throw in a semicolon in between two closely related independent clauses, and a volcanic love of punctuation eruption is guaranteed.

There's no such thing as a sane woman.

There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)

There's something not quite Christian about it," Tony said. He sat back in his chair and looked up to where his Bible sat on the shelf. "I can't put my finger on why exactly, but it doesn't seem right for a couple of young ladies to be out there in the middle of the night, obsessing over their telescopes.

There was a rifle on his lap. "Hey, Hunter," Myron said.

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.

There was not a lot of room for someone like me, who kept the gossip mill running like a hamster wheel.

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

There was only one thing about his own appearance which really pleased Hercule Poirot, and that was the profusion of his moustaches, and the way they responded to grooming and treatment and trimming. They were magnificent. He knew of nobody else who had any moustache half as good.

There were two books I remember changing my life as a introverted, bookish 14 year old. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. One was set in a fantastic world, populated by outlandish characters,tired prose, foul monsters, evil incarnate and a message about losing one's humanity. The other book was about hobbits.

There were the years— years of childhood and innocence— when I had believed that carminative meant— well, carminative. And now, before me lies the rest of my life— a day, perhaps, ten years, half a century, when I shall know that carminative means windtreibend.

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

The richest people in the world build networks and invest in people; everyone else looks for work and invests in survival.

The Ruhar hit us on Columbus Day. There we were, innocently drifting along the cosmos on our little blue marble, like the native Americans in 1492. Over the horizon come ships of a technologically advanced, aggressive culture, and BAM! There go the good old days, when humans only got killed by each other.

The sound of an English accent distracted her and lifted her spirits. She associated English accents with singing teapots, schools for witchcraft, and the science of deduction. This wasn't, she knew, terribly sophisticated of her, but she had no real guilt about it. She felt the English were themselves to blame for her feelings. They had spent a century relentlessly marketing their detectives and wizards and nannies, and they had to live with the results.

The South: Three-wheeled Piggly Wiggly shopping carts, grease-caked engine blocks, baby strollers with shredded black hoods, Soviet rocket parts, human skulls on spikes and orange-eyed Rottweilers on heavy chains breathing fire...

The stark evening sun at the far edge of the town had just unzipped the sky and finally gone down.

The streak of bleach in my hair is as obvious as ever. Am I really going out in public like this? I push my hair backward and forward a few times - but I can't hide it. Maybe I could walk along with my hand carelessly positioned at my head, as if I'm thinking hard. I attempt a few casual, pensive poses in the mirror. "Is your head all right?" I swivel round in shock to see Nathaniel at the open door, wearing a plaid shirt and jeans. "Er...fine," I say, my hand still glued to my head. "I was just..." Oh, there's no point. I bring my hand down from my hair and Nathaniel regards the streak for a moment. "It looks nice," he says. "Like a badger." "A badger?" I say, affronted. "I don't look like a badger." "Badgers are beautiful creatures," says Nathaniel with a shrug. "I'd rather look like a badger than a stoat.

The strangest thing about being invisible was that you always forget you are.

The sun came out the next day, which it had no right to do.

The support came from all sides. We had to give in.

The surgeon tells me that you're a sorcerer," Pym said. "Is that so?" Jaki looked to the captain with the glare of the masts in his eyes. "Yes." Pym weighed this disclosure. "You speak with the dead?" "Yes." The captain's eyes screwed up intently. "What do they say to you?" "They don't talk back." Pym and Mister Blackheart laughed in unison...The captain said, "Mister Blackheart wants to know what kind of sorcerer you are." Jaki pondered a response and finally said, "I was learning to catch souls before my teacher was killed." "Souls, eh? And what do you do with them after you catch them?" "I put them back in their bodies." "Ah, then you're telling us you're a surgeon.

The tennis coach slowly moved his fingers towards his friend’s arsehole and shakily circled the rim as instructed. “Anything abnormal there?” “It’s hairy,” Butcher complained. “It is very hairy,” the doctor agreed. “But, although an arsehole that hairy is undoubtedly unusual, it’s not technically an abnormality.

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.

The "word" did not "offer itself" in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, any more than Caesar's heralds would have said, "If you'd like a new kind of imperial experience, you might like to try giving allegiance to the new emperor.

The thing about our choices is that after we have made them, they turn around and make us.

The Truth burns the heart like a hammer breaking a rock.

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

The world economy would collapse if a significant number of people were to realize and then act on the realization that it is possible to enjoy many if not most of the things that they enjoy without first having to own them.

The world is made up of words.

The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane

The worst imaginable thing happens to our protagonists: they have a son who grows up to become Dennis Hopper. (“Giantess”)

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)

They appear somewhat unreliable," he murmured. "Unreliable? Nonsense, Superior! Out of luck is all, and we both know how that goes, no? Why, there's not a man of them I wouldn't trust my mother to." "Are you sure?" "She's been dead these twenty years. What harm could they do her now?

They aint got no medication for pilgrims waitin to take the Sunset?

They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it.

They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique. Maybe it's my lack of fashion sense talking, but I thought they should have held out for one of these gorillas who has learned to paint. The results would have been of similar quality, and they could have paid in fresh produce.

They love each other, marry (in order to love each other better, more conveniently). He goes to the wars, he dies at the wars. She weeps (with emotion) at having loved him, at having lost him. (Yep!) Marries again (in order to love again, more conveniently again). They love each other. (You love as many times as necessary - as necessary in order to be happy.) He come back (the other comes back) from the wars: he didn't die at the wars after all. She goes to the station, to meet him. He dies in the train (of emotion) at the thought of seeing her again, having her again. She weeps (weeps again, with emotion again) at having lost him again. (Yep!) Goes back to the house. He's dead - the other is dead. The mother-in-law takes him down: he hanged himself (with emotion) at the thought of losing her. She weeps (weeps louder) at having loved him, at having lost him.

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

They say there is a fine line between genius & insanity....so I picked it up & went fishing

They want your sons.” “My–? But I don’t… ew!

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.

They view New York as Satan's waiting room." "If this is the waiting room, where does the guy reside or work?" "New Jersey, I assume," Kyle said with a smile. "I mean, dude, have you been to Jersey?

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank.