Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

What we're going for, in those humorous moments, is the absurdity of it all. The craziness of the night manager offering them an umbrella in the height of what is a horrible disaster was like, "What?!" That's Andy Greenfield, and he nailed the audition. He's the sweetest guy in the world, as is often the case with those guys, but on camera, he's so creepy that a lot of us kept saying, "You know, Andy, don't look at us like that anymore, okay? You're scaring us.

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.

Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

When I was a younger man and had a life, I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had Astroturf in the back.

When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.

When you lead a life of scholarship you can't be bothered with the humorous realities, you know, tits, that kind of thing.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

While I would agree that I write about serious subjects, and that they're not necessarily the most pleasant subjects or even the most pleasant people, as a writer I just think about the humorous aspects of these things - that's what keeps me going when I'm writing a story.

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James)

Why (he wondered rhetorically) do people who have a position that's being attacked constantly state that they have a right to say it, as if the right itself-rather than the statement-has been challenged?

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.

Wit is educated insolence.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

Write drunk; edit sober.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.