Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

I've been things and seen places.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I've heard Eric Clapner, ... I think it was a wonderful thing that Eric Clapner the musician did...So I think that's the wonderful part about it, but listen - I like Eric Clapner!

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

I've spent enough time with soldiers to know that once they get to know you and they loosen up and become themselves, they are some of the biggest hams and most charismatic, cocky, fun, humorous guys I've ever met.

I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly.

I wanted to do an hour-long show, and I wanted to something that was dramatic and sometimes funny and humorous, as well. I'm just delighted to have this opportunity to be a part of this project.

I wonder whether if I had an education I should have been more or less a fool that I am.

I was not elected to produce a pile of vetoes.

I was on Batman with "Superheavy" or "Zero Year" where there was a lot of fun and bombast, but it was also personal. [In All-Star], I wanted to take that to its complete extreme, like the end of the Earth extreme, where it's over-the-top humorous, yet at the same time really deeply about what I think is of this particular moment in time, at least for me. The things I'm terrified of and the things I'm hopeful about. My life is the page.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

I would have made a good pope.

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

Japan is, you often feel, an improved version of the United States.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.

Just because your ad looks good is no insurance that it will get looked at. How many people do you know who are impeccably groomed... but dull?

Judges don't age. Time decorates them.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Life is too transcendentally humorous for a man not to take it seriously. Compared with it, Death is but a shallow jest.

Life's too short for chess.