Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.

One of the glories of doing the book So You Want to Be President? was the shifts in tone, where I was able to be humorous and then very serious. And the impeachment page is certainly the best example of that. I didn't have to think too much about how to present this one. I got the idea right away that a good way of showing the shame of President Nixon would be to put him down in the shadows under the Lincoln Monument, with Lincoln sort of glaring down at him from an elevated, better-lit position.

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in Florida in pedalpushers and mink stoles - and with opinions on every subject under the sun. It isn't their fault they were given a gift like speech - look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as idiotic.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

On summer evenings, when every flower, and tree, and bird, might have better addressed my soft young heart, I have in my day been caught in the palm of a female hand by the crown, have been violently scrubbed from the neck to the roots of the hair as a purification for the Temple, and have then been carried off highly charged with saponaceous electricity, to be steamed like a potato in the unventilated breath of the powerful Boanerges Boiler and his congregation, until what small mind I had, was quite steamed out of me

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

Part of the reason for the ugliness of adults, in a child's eyes, is that the child is usually looking upwards, and few faces are at their best when seen from below.

On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

"Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, and got herself named Peggotty?

People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay Gaol, which in those days was still in use and heavily populated by larcenous young men who had chosen their parents less wisely.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's a sad facet, poetry can make it more poignant.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Possibly the only thing we Notekillers place on a higher pedestal than music is laughs, so, of course, we also know that the idea of the title is a kind of humorous futility.

Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves.

Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God could do if He had more imagination.

Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.