Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it.

I'm easily persuaded that a really good novelist who gets inside somebody else's head could be serving a valuable purpose. I enjoy satirical novels that take a wry, humorous, ironic look at modern life.

I mean you've got a conservative and right-winged press presence with really nothing on the other end of the political spectrum.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

I'm halfway through a novel set in two time frames - Austin in the 1960's and Alpine (Texas) in present day. It started out to be a small, lighthearted, humorous book about family relationships; I was tired of writing war stories and tragedies.

I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?

I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket.

I misled people, including even my wife.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I'm just trying to portray what I find ironic or humorous.

I'm just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to work.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.

I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I'm really interested in the link between creativity and humor because humor is a type of creativity, and I do think that humorous people and humorous health helps creativity.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not.

I'm pushing 60 years of age...and that's enough exercise for me.

I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.

I'm sorry. I don't recall

I'm sure I spent more time in Texas than anybody else who had run for President recently.

I must admit that I do have a particular soft spot for the character of the chameleon-trickster goddess Ris in Dreams of the Compass Rose. Ris has gone through the whole spectrum of personal change and has had the longest road of all. And in the end she chooses to come back to the world, to guide, and to help, and to open the eyes of those who are suffering. In that is her true strength and humorous wisdom. I really do like her a whole lot.

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm very physical. I'm extremely active, and I would love to do something a little more sexy and dangerous, a la Sophia Loren, or funny and humorous, a la Woody Allen. Getting to do things along those lines would be extremely wicked and a dream come true.

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

In addition I had real and serious questions about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings twenty years ago

In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running; if you stand still, they will swallow you.

In closing, the greatest threat to peace on this earth is the arrogance of a super-power [America] that is out of control.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong.

Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence and vagabondism; for in ancient days those two amusements, combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairing shattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthful recreation of the Quality of this land.

Indeed, so far from being humorous, the male American is the most abnormally serious creature who ever existed.. It is only fair to admit that he can exaggerate, but even his exaggeration has a rational basis. It is not founded on wit or fancy; it does not spring from any poetic imagination.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.

In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

In leadership we teach we teach;Don't send your ducks to eagle school because it wont help.Ducks finishes eagle school,sees his first rabbit, makes him a friend.

In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the people whose faces appeared in such publications as Town and Queen could afford to eat in restaurants serving food which would leave them looking and feeling better instead of worse.