Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Most of us cling to life as if our existence were a result of our deed or choice.

Most people are but a fake-art, and as real as a concealed fart.

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

Most people think coffee is what wakes you up in the morning. I believe it’s actually brushing your teeth with hand lotion instead of toothpaste.

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Most sane human beings who have managed to attain and retain fame each uses it to dramatically increase their name’s chances of being remembered until Jesus comes back, since their heart cannot do what they consciously or unconsciously lust for, that is to say, for it to beat until Jesus returns.

Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.

Mother-in-laws are necessary, as are mosquitoes, athlete's foot, and beets.

Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).

Most sane human beings who are over the age of six usually act or react not as per what they genuinely feel or really think but in accordance with the expectations of those around them.

Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy Starr instead.

Mrs. Crane walked down past the stone wall to the brook that ran behind her house at number 6. She stood there for a few minutes looking into the water where she saw the reflection of her face and a tall tree behind her. In the reflection of the branches she thought she saw unfamiliar movement — figures spinning, swaying. She turned quickly to look up into the tree. The figures were gone. “If an invasion really is coming,” she thought, “it may already be here.” She went into her house and fell asleep in an upstairs bedroom. She dreamed that she floated in a warm current on the Sulu Sea, and that her hair flowed out behind her along the water, shining in the Pacific sun.

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network..." "Of course they do!" Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

Mr. Wopsle's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village; that is to say, she was a ridiculous old woman of limited means and unlimited infirmity, who used to go to sleep from six to seven every evening, in the society of youth who paid two pence per week each, for the improving opportunity of seeing her do it.

Mr Kingsley begins then by exclaiming- 'O the chicanery, the wholesale fraud, the vile hypocrisy, the conscience-killing tyranny of Rome! We have not far to seek for an evidence of it. There's Father Newman to wit: one living specimen is worth a hundred dead ones. He, a Priest writing of Priests, tells us that lying is never any harm.' I interpose: 'You are taking a most extraordinary liberty with my name. If I have said this, tell me when and where.' Mr Kingsley replies: 'You said it, Reverend Sir, in a Sermon which you preached, when a Protestant, as Vicar of St Mary's, and published in 1844; and I could read you a very salutary lecture on the effects which that Sermon had at the time on my own opinion of you.' I make answer: 'Oh...NOT, it seems, as a Priest speaking of Priests-but let us have the passage.' Mr Kingsley relaxes: 'Do you know, I like your TONE. From your TONE I rejoice, greatly rejoice, to be able to believe that you did not mean what you said.' I rejoin: 'MEAN it! I maintain I never SAID it, whether as a Protestant or as a Catholic.' Mr Kingsley replies: 'I waive that point.' I object: 'Is it possible! What? waive the main question! I either said it or I didn't. You have made a monstrous charge against me; direct, distinct, public. You are bound to prove it as directly, as distinctly, as publicly-or to own you can't.' 'Well,' says Mr Kingsley, 'if you are quite sure you did not say it, I'll take your word for it; I really will.' My WORD! I am dumb. Somehow I thought that it was my WORD that happened to be on trial. The WORD of a Professor of lying, that he does not lie! But Mr Kingsley reassures me: 'We are both gentlemen,' he says: 'I have done as much as one English gentleman can expect from another.' I begin to see: he thought me a gentleman at the very time he said I taught lying on system...

Mummy can we keep him?" Madeleine asked with the wide eyes of a burgeoning crush. "Darling, little boys make terrible pets," Mrs. Masterson offered with a wink. "That's not true at all, Mummy. They're hypoallergenic, much easier than dogs," Madeleine said cheekily, "and they almost never have fleas.

Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before. 'what the hell was that?' I gasped. 'Premature inflammation,' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.'

Muse usually gestured like an amphetamine-fueled Sicilian who's nearly gotten clipped by a speeding car.

My best advice is never to address any woman as Madam unless she holds a high position in government or you happen to find yourself in a brothel speaking to its owner.

My ass is taking part in the next Ass Of The Year Championships next week, at Asscot.

My best days are Monday through Friday, and Saturday and Sunday." "Ian," Wesley noted, "that covers the whole week." Ian nods his head. "Pretty much.

My bullshit metre is reading that as false'.

My boy, many people know many things. But the things we think we know of others can only become what is known if the others choose to do the doing of making what we think we know known.

My breath may smell like two inches from a landfill, but I'm a decent writer and one hell of a chef.

My dear melancholy, Enraged she's colic! Lovely indeed a fellow And so sweet a collie. Never but so mellow Can she be like a dolly? However she's so frolic! Or could she get yellow Like a peach, but jolly? You'll regret her follies!

My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-' 'No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and ... fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up!' " -Pg 280

My dear queen,” said he, “duplicity of any sort is exceedingly objectionable between married people of any rank, not to say kings and queens; and the most objectionable form duplicity can assume is that of punning.” MacDonald, George. The Light Princess: and Other Fairy Stories (Kindle Locations 193-195). Dancing Unicorn Books. Kindle Edition.

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

My dad had once told me, crimson-red deep in “the talk,” that with sons, all he had to worry about was one penis, but with a daughter, he had to worry about everyone else’s.

My Epitaph: THIS is Plan B

My father had bought him a shirt that said “Sure you can date my daughter.  In a completely unrelated topic, have you seen my shotgun?

My embarrassment was complete. If I just had passed out, that would have been bad enough. But to make matters worse, Will had carried me outside, where everyone else was; everyone in my youth group had seen Will carrying me. I felt like melting into the bench on which I sat.

My friends don't ask me anymore "How are you" they ask "Where are you

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn...

My grandmother’s voice rang in my head, 'You have to haggle. Always haggle. Otherwise, they won’t respect you.

My impression is, after many years of consideration, that there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse.

My life is a plate of perfectly edible but ordinary scrambled eggs. I want them savory, creamy, cheesy and maybe with bacon on the side.

My mom said:‘Don’t put your finger in your brother’s ear! If you want to know how that quarter trick is done, go ask the magician.’ So I tugged on The Great Arturo's pant leg until he finally taught me how. That was my first magic trick! I was five years old.

My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.

My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny.

My parents had drinks and there were crudités for us- although they were not called crudités at the time, they were called carrots and celery.

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My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

My mouth was dry. Whispers carried on the wind as the maids around me bunched together in small groups, hysterical, morbid. I thought: who will clean the mess?

My question was:How did I go from merely seeing the dirty French Santa in a bar to being in his hotel room the next morning? And this presented me with an actual equation. How did one plus one equal old French Santa?

My second meeting with Vincent Starrett began on a cool Sunday afternoon in May of 1962. After a short interlude, he returned from the kitchen precariously balancing a large cup of tea on a very small saucer. It was the largest tea cup I had ever seen, large enough to startle, I am inclined to suspect, even the Mad Hatter in 'Alice in Wonderland.

My quietness is a consequence of my deeply entrenched nihilism. I don’t believe there is any real value in my or anyone else’s speaking, and I think that all of human existence is fundamentally unimportant.

My sight, hearing and strength are superior and I can fly. What more do you want?