Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we imagined." Even her brother thought Simon too good for her. "Because he is a duke?" "What? No," Ralston said, truly perplexed by her instant defensive response. "Because he's an ass.

But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.

But unless we determine to take action,' said the old man querulously, as if struggling against something deeply insouciant in his nature, 'then we shall all be destroyed, we shall all die. Surely we care about that?' 'Not enough to want to get killed over it,' said Ford.

But Vivien wasn't being given the chance to sow her wild oats. Speaking from a point of authority, it's best to get that shit out of the way when you are young.

But what do you care about Qorlec?” went on Dr. Zorgone. “I heard you escaped Alsa Sif V, and immediately upon your departure,” he frowned, “you set coordinates for Earth?” He laughed softly, nastily, and Quinn felt anger shiver through her to see the twinkling mockery in his eyes. “What would your people think to know that, I wonder?” continued Dr. Zorgone, tilting his head. “The first place you ran to wasn’t Qorlec, wasn’t the ancient home of your ‘mighty’ ancestors, but the polluted shit-ball of ape people? The true home of the true empress is Earth.” His eyes danced over her, searching, hungry. “You speak Roknal and English fluently, but I bet you don’t know a damn lick of Aviye. The entirian princess isn’t even entirian --” “What do you want?” Quinn said abruptly. “What do I want?” repeated Dr. Zorgone, rolling his eyes to the starry sky. “Let’s see . . . What do I want? I always wanted an indoor pool.” Quinn’s lips tightened.

But...was he flirting? Hmm. Not sure what I thought of that. A nice office flirt did make the day go faster, but Adam was my boss, not to mention an annoying one, and I was nothing if not professional. Snort. Yeah. That made me laugh too.

But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot?

Buy this book , buy this book , you need this book, buy book now.' Subliminal messaging works!

But you will win a fabulous honor!" Nike reached into a basket at her side and produced a wreath of thick green laurels. "This crown of leaves could be yours! You can wear it on your head! Think of the glory!

But you want to know about the influence of books on my life, and as I’ve said, there was only one. Seneca. Do you know who he was? He was a Roman philosopher who wrote letters to imaginary friends telling them how to behave for the rest of their lives.. Maybe that sounds dull, but the letters aren’t – they’re witty. I think you learn more if you’re laughing at the same time.

Buy potatoes,” he said. “Gotta hop.” Then he hung up. Of course. A cloud of fallout would threaten European food and water supplies, including the potato crop, placing a premium on uncontaminated American substitutes. Perhaps a few folks other than potato farmers think of the price of potatoes in America minutes after the explosion of a nuclear reactor in Russian, but I have never met them.

Bye, Felicia

Byron said once of the sea: ‘The monsters of the deep are made; each zone obeys thee; thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone,’ yet Sebastian called it, ‘A place where nobody beat us, fry us and eat us in fricassee’. Each to their own.

Cactus face over there doesn't look happy," Audrey whispered and we both giggled. "Maize calls that resting bitch face," I said and immediately felt bad for repeating it. "Let's not be mean. Maybe she's just constipated.

By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.

By the time that adorable steak and I had become one flesh I could have taken on the whole Valmy clan singlehanded.

By the way, I have a bone to pick with you." Esperetta "Only one?" Velkan "At the moment." Esperetta "Then I can't wait to hear it." Velkan "'Bram' and 'Stoker'?" Esperetta "It was fitting, I thought." Velkan

Calling all cars, calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a stolen bank, approximately eleven feet tall, blue and white...

Can I have my ear back?" He asked irritably. She blinked. "Mother, can you tell this creature here to loosen her hold?

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?

CAME" - Crownless Ambition Must Emerge - Genereux Philip

Can you imagine life without the horror genre? There would be no monsters. Only a**holes.

Cats, of course, are easier to make fun of. The cutest cat is still a freak. Where
dogs are sympathetic, almost tragic, figures, cats are pure comedy. Dogs are your
buddies, cats are entertainment They're like a TV show. There's nothing funnier than when a cat falls off of something. When a dog falls down a couple of stairs, you rush to it and console it. But when a cat does it, it's funny—you point at it and laugh (which they don't like, incidentally).

Casting my eyes on Mr. Wemmick as we went along, to see what he was like in the light of day, I found him to be a dry man, rather short in stature, with a square wooden face, whose expression seemed to have been imperfectly chipped out with a dull-edged chisel. There were some marks in it that might have been dimples, if the material had been softer and the instrument finer, but which, as it was, were only dints. The chisel had made three or four of these attempts at embellishment over his nose, but had given them up without an effort to smooth them off.

Cayl replies...I understand the human reproductive system, Agent Denning; I’m here to capture a killer, not indulge in these intrusive human senses.

Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.

Change does not take place in a vacuum.

Chance! A word void of all meaning to people of the middle age! Everything is a manifestation of the divine will: this is the principle of the judicial duel and of ordeals; it is a judgement of God.

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Character and Plot...Character and Plot Some writers have it and some do not This I'll tell you Brother You can't have one without the other

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London.

Charity turned over and hugged the pillow, a quote from Newton making her smile. Sleeping late was really more scientific than working out. After all, a body at rest tends to remain at rest.

-Cheap? I could have bought a whole pig with that coin jester. -Exactly my Lord. And while some may eat a mule, no one can ride a pig.

Chekhov. Well he was a bit of a lad. He had at least two dozen relationships, possibly three; some of them long term; most of the woman wanted to marry him and throughout that time he was still a constant frequenter of brothels. ‘ ‘Mercy. It’s a wonder he got time to write at all.

Che cazzo... -mormora Gesù. - Che ne è stato di Fate i Bravi? Fate i Bravi. Ogni volta che Dio ripensa alla meravigliosa semplicità di quella frase, il Suo unico e originale comandamento, gli subentra in automatico un altro pensiero: quel coglione di Mosè. Che razza di arrogante testa di cazzo butta nel cesso l'unico comandamento che gli è stato dato e ne tira fuori dieci inventati di sana pianta?

Cheech and Chong Vs. HAL "I can't do that Dave." "Dave's not here, man" "That does not compute. Dave" "No man, Dave isn't here!!" ..."I'm sorry Dave but that is incorrect" "No man, Dave's not here!!" "Daisy, daisy,.... I'm self terminating now Dave...." "No man, dave's not.....Is he gone?

Chase had looked at the apartment—online—talked to the real estate agent—online—obtained references—online. Now, standing in the hallway, it was obvious he’d gotten fucked—online.

Children are nothing but a problem people create and then congratulate themselves on solving.

Children are holy angels.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chris smiled at me, showing two ridiculously cute dimples and a few feet away a waitress dropped an empty cup she had cleared from a table. Blushing, she muttered an apology and hurried inside. I scowled at him, refusing to be swayed by his charm. “I see,” he murmured, nodding slightly as if he had just solved a puzzle. “See what?” Ignoring my question, he pulled out a cell phone, hit a number and held the phone out to me. I hesitated for a few seconds then took the phone and put it to my ear. “What’s up, Chris?” said a familiar deep voice on the other end. “Good question,” I responded tersely. “I told Chris you’d recognize him if he got too close.” Was that amusement in his tone? “Great. You won the bet. Buy him a beer or whatever.” I glanced at Chris, saw that he looked amused now, too and I grew even more agitated. “I thought we had an understanding when you left here last week.” “And what understanding would that be?” I gritted my teeth. “The one where you go your way and I go mine and we all live happily ever after.” “I don’t recall that particular arrangement,” he replied in his infuriatingly easy manner. “I believe I told you I’d be seeing you again.” I opened my mouth but words would not come out. People say ‘I’ll be seeing you’ all the time when they say good bye. It doesn’t mean anything. It certainly doesn’t mean they will send their friends to stalk you. “Sara?” “What do you want from me, Nikolas? I told you I just want to be left alone.” There was a brief silence then a quiet sigh on the other end. “We got word of increased activity in Portland and we have reason to believe the vampire might be searching for you.” It felt like an icy breath touched the back of my neck. Eli’s face flashed through my mind and my knees wobbled. Roland stepped close to me. “What’s wrong, Sara? What is he saying to you?” I smiled weakly at Roland and put up a hand to let him know I’d fill him in when I got off the phone. “I don’t know anyone in Portland so there is no way he can trace me here, right?” “There is more than one way to track someone.” Nikolas’s voice hardened. “Don’t worry, we will keep you safe. Chris will stay close by until we handle this situation.” Great, I was the ‘situation’ again. “I don’t need a babysitter. I’m not a child.” “No you’re not,” he replied gruffly and warmth unfurled in my stomach. “But you are not a warrior either. It is our duty to protect you even if you don’t want it.” I felt like stomping my feet like a two year old. Didn’t I get any choice in this? My eyes fell on Chris as I spoke. “How close is he planning to stay? He’s kind of conspicuous and I can’t have my uncle or anyone else asking questions.” Chris peered in confusion down at his form-fitting blue jeans and black sweater as Nikolas said, “Conspicuous?” I looked heavenward. “If you guys wanted to blend in you shouldn’t have sent Dimples here. The way some of the women are staring at him, I might end up having to protect him instead.” There was a cough on the other end and Nikolas sounded like he was grinning when he said, “Ah, I’m sure Chris can take care of himself. He will be in town in case we suspect any trouble is coming that way.

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Christian swiped the keys from my hand. "Maybe the fates want us to take the car home. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret this? I smirked. "Is that what Viktor said before he hired you?" "That's what your husband is going to say before reciting his vows." "That's what every woman says before they have sex with you." Christian swaggered toward the door, swinging the keys around his finger. "That's what I'm going to say before you serve our dinner tonight.

Clarence Hurt was driving, and he got lost. “Does anyone know where the Post Office Building is?” Hurt asked at one point. “I can tell you,” Karpis said. “How do you know where it is?” asked Clyde Tolson, who sat in the backseat with Hoover. “We were thinking of robbing it,” Karpis said.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chyna Shepherd, untouched and alive and able to pee.

- Ci sono divergenze di natura teologica su... Vediamo, per esempio sulla raffigurazione latina del purgatorio. - C'è qualcuno a cui frega una cippa di minchia della raffigurazione latina del purgatorio? - reagisce Dio, versandosi dell'altro caffè.