Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it.

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the taxi has some kind of problem with the steering, probably dead pedestrians lodged in the mechanism, the result being that there is a delay of 8 to 10 seconds between the time the driver turns the wheel and the time the taxi actually changes direction, a handicap that the driver is compensating for by going 175 miles per hour, at which velocity we are able to remain airborne almost to the far rim of some of the smaller potholes.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.

If I freely may discover What should please me in my lover, I would have her fair and witty, Savouring more of court than city; A little proud, but full of pity; Light and humorous in her toying, Oft building hopes, and soon destroying, Long, but sweet in the enjoying; Neither too easy nor to hard; All extremes I would have barr'd.

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face...

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you can certainly lighten the load, I think, by bringing that to your trials and tribulations. It's easy to have a sense of humor when everything is going well.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If there is not laughter in intimacy, it becomes heavy, burdensome, and dull. At my best moments, the love dialogue I try to carry on with You each day is comic-what could be more comic than a human addressing the Ground of Being as an intimate? It's a kind of blasphemy that I dare because you have called for it, and that is pretty humorous, too.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

If there was sadness in this creative world of mine, it was a pleasant sadness. If there were problems, they were humorous problems.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

If the Wright brother were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

If you appeal to the crowd, either by being humorous or brutal or eccentric, you gain favor.

If you are watching my films and wondering, am I missing humorous speak because I'm not Korean? Am I missing out? You don't have to worry, because you're only missing probably about a few cents worth out of your ticket price.

If you are writing about baloney, don't try and make it Cornish hen, because that's the worst kind of baloney there is. Just make it darn good baloney.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

If you're a fat person - and especially if you're a woman - at all stages of your life you'll get abuse for it, so you have to work out a way of dealing with it. The best way is to be humorous about it - that defuses any tension.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.