Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Feb. 9, 1999 Dear Friend, Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American people in 1992 and 1996. ... And to win in 2000, I need you by my side.

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.

First, there was Confucius. Then, the sayings of Chairman Mao. And now the pithy, ironic, and humorous insights of Ai Weiwei. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this collection, which reflects a well-developed philosophy as well as a keen understanding of the Chinese Communist system. This is China made easy and interesting.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.

For four years we've been cooperating exhaustively

For lack of a better term, they've labeled me a sex symbol. It's flattering and it should happen to every bald, overweight guy.

French name. English accent. American school. Anna confused.

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

For those who believe in the quote, Laughter is the best medicine and are looking for a divorce quote on the lighter side, the following divorce sayings range from mildly humorous to outrageously funny: Men are just like a book - with a beginning, middle and an end.

For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings up and down.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother

Get your mind unbound and free; and then from the loosest, highest, best place you have, with the fastest and most humorous mind you can get together, you can reach out and make a try at understanding Spirit.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Gandhi has sound economic and cultural reasons for encouraging the revival of cottage industries, but he does not counsel a fanatical repudiation of all modern progress. Machinery, trains, automobiles, the telegraph have played important parts in his own colossal life! Fifty years of public service, in prison and out, wrestling daily with practical details and harsh realities in the political world, have only increased his balance, open-mindedness, sanity, and humorous appreciation of the quaint human spectacle.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Give me a museum and I'll fill it.

God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want Need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.

Go to humorous events at comedy clubs and watch laughable movies.

Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

Goresthorpe Grange is a feudal mansion - or so it was termed in the advertisement which originally brought it under my notice. Its right to this adjective had a most remarkable effect upon its price, and the advantages gained may possibly be more sentimental than real. Still, it is soothing to me to know that I have slits in my staircase through which I can discharge arrows; and there is a sense of power in the fact of possessing a complicated apparatus by means of which I am enabled to pour molten lead upon the head of the casual visitor.

Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He had never seen a woman doctor before, and his whole conservative soul rose up in revolt at the idea. He could not recall any biblical injunction that the man should remain ever the doctor and the woman the nurse, and yet he felt as if a blasphemy had been committed.

He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.