Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Luck is the residue of design.

Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan.

Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

Man is but mortal: and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back and-we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him;.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the US is an English lady in a funny hat.

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.

Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?'

Many of the things that stifle growth are morally neutral. They're not bad things. Facebook is not bad. Television and movies are not bad. I enjoy TV, but it doesn't take long for me to begin to find humorous on TV what the Lord finds heartbreaking.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world.

Maybe there'll be a simple, innocent explanation. I don't think so, because I think we would have offered that up already.

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

Matt Mason must be declared the poet laureate of the Midwest! No other native son celebrates the overlooked America, its unsung citizens (from the anonymous poets to the part-time English teachers), and its expansive indigenous landscape, as well as he does. Mason's poetry is humorous when he wants to be quirky, heartbreaking when he wants to be eloquent, and though he moves effortlessly into other moods and geographies, he always returns to his first and most enduring love (and to what he knows best)-his homeland.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.

Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate.

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organised to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow.

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.