Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

I remember the day we were hanging around the band's commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word "hype" was coined on that very day.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

I suppose I look for humor in most situations because it humanizes things; it makes a character much more three-dimensional if there's some kind of humor. Not necessarily laugh-out-loud type of stuff, just a sense that there is a humorous edge to things. I do like that.

I take full responsability...for what we did. It was the right thing to do.

Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics.

I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about.

I think it would be a good idea.

I think the definition of someone who's still a swinger is a person who remains signed up on swinger websites because they're "humorous." If you'd been married to an alcoholic and found yourself dating someone whose couch cushions were stuffed with empty bottles, you might conclude you're part of the problem and are attracted to men who are going to keep making you miserable in the same oh-so-familiar way. I think you should look to date someone for whom the idea of a swinger website makes him want to slather himself in sanitizing gel.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.

I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey Mystery with less than your usual - that's to say, you handled it fairly well.

It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight.

It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.

It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. Names are everything. I never quarrel with actions. My one quarrel is with words. The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for.

I think there are two prevailing views of the suburbs in the States: either they're this sort of tedious place, where everyone is the same, buys the same food and drives around in their little minivans, or the view is that the suburbs are extremely perverse in a humorous way.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.

It is considered in England and the United States that the Government of South Africa is altogether too harsh with its native peoples. It is sadly humorous to notice that the native in South Africa, however, holds an exactly reverse opinion and the fault he finds with the South African Government is that it is far too lenient in its administration of laws throughout the native populace.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved? It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both: but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick.

" ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute.