Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter.

Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should have something that's offbeat, quirky, humorous, and where called for it, should have journalism, and judiciously it should also have commentary. That's my ideal.

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Any place I hang my head is home.

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

A pear is a failed apple.

A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.

As a profession advertising is young; as a force it is as old as the world. The first four words ever uttered, Let there be light, constitute its charter. All nature is vibrant with its impulse.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

As a writer and as a human being, Susan Dworkin has always had the ability to draw us into new dreams of justice, and to make them irresistibly practical, humorous and human. She makes clear that progress and pleasure go together.

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine.

Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

Ask the young. They know everything.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

... As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

A witty saying proves nothing.

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.

Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.

A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others.

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

Back in the late '90s, I put together a humorous newsmagazine program called 'The Awful Truth' for Bravo. We helped one guy get an organ transplant whose insurance company had refused to pay. I thought, if we could save a guy's life in a 10-minute segment on cable, what could we do if we devoted a whole movie to a whole bunch of people?

Bargaining is a repulsive habit; compromise is one of the highest human virtues - the difference between the two being that the first is practised on the Continent, the latter in Great Britain.

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Beer is a wholesome liquor.....it abounds with nourishment

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.