Best 320 quotes in «joke quotes» category

It is easy to launch a project if you have no clue about the cost and schedule.

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.

Its crazy when people of high moral standards, feel its okay for an intimate friend to insult them in a jovial way, forgeting that even casual friends can do just the same in a jovial way.

It's just that I was thinking you don't ride in that truck of yours, you wear it.

It's theology. Were you expecting sex, drugs, and rock and roll?" "One out of the three would be nice.

It was late when father and the Duke tracked me down feigning surprise that I was in the usual place every time as if it was a game they played, “Where’s Rose? Why, growing in her usual spot!

I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.” Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us. “I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up. No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gave me raised eyebrows. “What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.

Look, people, I’m announcing a new rule. It’s going to seem harsh. But it’s necessary.” The word “harsh” got almost everyone’s attention. “We can’t have people sitting around all day playing Wii and watching DVDs. We need people to start working in the fields. So, here’s the thing: everyone age seven or older has to put in three days per week picking fruit or veggies. Then Albert’s going to work with the whole question of freezing stuff that can be frozen, or otherwise preserving stuff.” There was dead silence. And blank stares. “What I’m saying is, tomorrow we’ll have two school buses ready to go. They hold about fifty kids each and we need to have them mostly full because we’re going to pick some melons and it’s a lot of work.” More blank stares. “Okay, let me make this simple: get your brothers and sisters and friends and anyone over age seven and be in the square tomorrow morning at eight o’clock.” “But how about—?” “Just be there,” Sam said with less firmness than he’d intended. His frustration was draining away now, replaced by weariness and depression. “Just be there,” someone mimicked in a singsong voice. Sam closed his eyes, and for a moment he almost seemed to be asleep. Then he opened them again and managed a bleak smile. “Please. Be there,” he said quietly. He walked down the three steps and out of the church, knowing in his heart that few would answer his call.

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.

Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

Meanwhile, Milo had been in the Senate on that day until it was dismissed and then came home. He changed out of his formal clothes, waited for a little while his wife got herself ready--you all know how that goes-- and set out at the hour when Clodius, if he had been planning on coming back to Rome that day, would have returned.

Mkristo hatakiwi kudanganya, hata kama ni utani.

More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give.

Most nobodies are somebodies and most somebodies are nobodies somewhere.

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).

It's hard to live with people willing to send you to exile or death. It's hard to become intimate with them. It's hard to love them.

It was only a joke, Mia,” says Bree gently. “Of course I do not wish that. No one really wishes to be queen.

I was not born with English in my pocket.

I wonder if one of the greatest lessons of our generation will be that ironic detachment is not an inherently neutral stance; that humor is not necessarily benevolent; that viewing anything and everything as a joke doesn't make you stronger or wiser, but exactly the opposite.

Maybe real love is being able to ask, Do I have greens in my teeth?

Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold." She leaned over to cackle in his ear, then actually patted him on the head as if he was some slavering lapdog. "You might have escaped the gallows, lad, but you was already well hung.

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

Nakamura considered this. "I hesitate to agree, but that was probably a good idea." "A compliment! My goodness, let me mark the day on my calendar!" "That's why I hesitated to agree," Nakamura said with a note of weariness.

Names?' the receptionist asked us. “Jesus,” Jamie answered. “Mary,” said Stella. “Satan,” I said as I walked past her and pushed open the door to Ira Ginsberg’s office.

Nature never jests.

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.

Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the lift of an eyebrow. Remember that if offence can possibly be taken, it will be.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

No time for jokes," Nakamura said. "Is Neil there?" "Let's just say I'm Sleeping Beauty's personal assistant right now." "I guess that makes you Waking Ugly?" "I thought you said this was no time for jokes. That was a joke, right?

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Now you are laughing aren't you?? You just came from holiday (AS for me I don't really give a shit from holiday, from walk with friends or whatever..) You are thinking about the one fat guy and you think that you are perfect. - If you are perfect you won't be here transcend people don't have what to achieve they know and they will continue to know everything, it's useless! You have health problems, am I right? You have some buds on places which nobody wants to talk, you think that you are a bigger as a personality - but you smoke (Don't you?? You try to stop it, but again the cigarettes say "Smoke one you will be better, smoke another one you will go to heaven..." - this goes to endless does it?? You drink Alcohol - don't ya? I don't have words take a look at yourself you drink for what??? For confidence... oh my god you are fuck fagot aren't you?? You smoke, but why I know that chimneys smoke, but you?? Are you chimney, it's a joke! :D :D

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

People take life as a gift even as a joke. But both cases it's not a gift - how everything is gave, the same moment it can be taken. One moment it's needed to do this and one moment you have. Still thinking it's a joke?? It's not really, Santa Clause is a killer, the guy who ruin everything was by Loverboy he is just kill the all biatches, but he was with Santa Clause they both worked together... (I think that the moment was taken, you don't have it. The Gift is gone, the joke was taken. Because you were wrong!)

People will say,"there's heaven and hell", and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.

people who do not get the joke are dangerous people indeed