Best 320 quotes in «joke quotes» category

Story telling is joke telling.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

Thanks for turning off the lights... and so far... it's your problem, you are getting in trouble... it's not me... so far you can keep the lights on.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?' 'I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?' 'Elvish.

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.

The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

The inmates made jokes about the chair, the way people always make jokes about things that frighten them but can't be gotten away from.

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

The biggest irony in the history of India is the term, "Muslim Personal Law." Law of the land could never be personal.

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

The human race is lucky, I am still developing. Yes. Or no?

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

Then she called Gansey. It rang twice, three times, and then: "Hello?" He sounded boyish and ordinary. Blue asked, "Did I wake you up?" She heard Gansey fumble for and scrape up his wireframes. "No," he lied, "I was awake." "I called you by accident anyway. I meant to call Congress, but your number was one off." "Oh?" "Yeah, because yours has 6-6-5 in it." She paused. "Get it?" "Oh, you." "6-6-5. One number different. Get it?" "Yeah, I got it.

The mark of a poor comedian is not making the other person laugh. The mark of a worse comedian is asking if the person got it.

There are three things which are real: God, human folly, and laughter. Since the first two pass our comprehension, we must do what we can with the third.

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.

There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.

There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.

There is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth.

There is one door and so far more windows..., do you know why??... One door for enter and many windows for exit!

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

There was once a man named Joe... Joe was insecure because he had no ears. Joe couldn’t hear a goddamn peep. And so he worked hard and saved up some money until eventually he was able to buy himself a pair of ears. And, for the first time in his life, he was able to hear the music of Beethoven and rejoice in the sound of a child’s laughter. So Joe was no longer insecure about not having ears... although now he’s a little insecure about his speech impediment.

The world was a bad joke dreamed up by the Almighty on an off-day. I've always felt myself that he probably had a hangover that morning.

These days every morning begins like a joke you think you have heard before, but there is no one telling it whom you can stop. One day it's about a cow who walks into a bar, then about a man with a big nose on his honeymoon, then about a kangaroo who walks into a bar. Each one takes up an entire day. The sun looks like a prank Nathanael West is pulling on the world; on the drive to work cars are swinging comically from lane to lane. The houses and lawns belong in cartoons. The hours collapse into one another's arms. The stories arc over noon and descend like slow ferris wheels into the haze of evening. You wish you could stop listening and get serious. Trouble is you cannot remember the punch line which never arrives till very late at night, just as you are reaching for the bedside lamp, just before you begin laughing in the dark.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

The year that Rutherford died (1938) there disappeared forever the happy days of free scientific work which gave us such delight in our youth. Science has lost her freedom. Science has become a productive force. She has become rich but she has become enslaved and part of her is veiled in secrecy. I do not know whether Rutherford would continue to joke and laugh as he used to.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

This wise old whiskery fish swims up to three young fish and goes, 'Morning, boys, how's the water?' and swims away; and the three young fish watch him swim away and look at each other and go, 'What the fuck is water?' and swim away.

Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

This two quotes make me laugh "Andre Linoge: Born in lust, turn to dust. Born in sin, COME ON IN." (Stephen King on Storm of the Century) "We are on location, not on vacation" (Unnatural 2015 Film) Everyday when I read it or I repeat it makes me laugh it's kind a joke. The first one is a killer joke, the second one is...(you guess from who is this joke!)

Told you to get him a bell.

UFO is a joke when there ain't mystery in the sky.

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.