Best 320 quotes in «joke quotes» category

Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud.

Have you heard the joke about the chemist, physicist and economist who get wrecked on a desert isle, with a huge supply of canned baked beans as their only food? The chemist says that he can start a fire using the neighbouring palm trees, and calculate the temperature at which a can will explode. The physicist says that she can work out the trajectory of each of the baked beans, so that they can be collected and eaten. The economist says "Hang on guys, you're doing it the hard way. Let's assume we have a can opener.

Hell, no. A church is the one thing we don't have. Physics is the religion around here. Use the Lord's name in vain all you like,' he laughed, 'just don't slander any quarks or mesons.

He smiled proudly at the machine Ephraim was staring at. "That's our Coheron Drive. Isn't she beautiful? I helped build her." Ephraim glanced at the coin in his hand. Zoe patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry. Size doesn't matter in quantum mechanics," she said. "It's how you use it.

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

Hey, do you mind not squeezing my head off. I remember how powerful those thighs are.

He who makes fun of a short and fat man’s weight is much less cruel than he who makes fun of his height.

Hey,” he said. “Hi.” Oh, damn. It was awkward. “What’re you doing?” “Shearing a sheep. It’s cold outside, and I need a new hat.” He paused. “You’re joking, right?” “Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

Hey. You know what the shark said to the clown?” “No.” “You taste funny.

Horror can damage your brain" - HAHAHAHA the best joke ever heard (It was said by GreenHollyWood". I really don't believe in that in case I use them to relax!

How do jokes work? The beginning of each good one challenges you to think... The second part of the joke announces that nobody wants you to think.

How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

How is an elephant like a schizophrenic?” “I – what?” “An elephant never forgets.” He said nothing. “That’s an AI joke,” she said after a while.

Humanity it's strange race, if I can say this. There a lot of secrets and stuff which are still mysteries for this race! I know that most people are like the characters the guy near GreenWind, GreenHollyWood, the people like DeYtH are rare. GreenHollywood blocked me on skype because what??? Can't understand a joke, so he can joke with me but I can't??? WOW! Just Humanity or most people just stop us from doing the stuff which will make us better.

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me

-I am alergic to these flowers. -I know.

I didn't pretend to know Eli at all, but even so, I'd noticed that his manner was slightly hard to read. It was something in the way he talked that made it difficult to tell whether he was kidding or serious or what. This bothered me. Or intrigued me. Or both.

I found a secret place,” he whispers. His hand finds mine under the water, tugging on my wrist. “Come with me.” I’m unable to suppress a laugh. “Where are you taking me?” I say in a mock scolding voice. “I’ll beg your forgiveness later, Your Majesty,” he teases back, flashing me a grin as he pulls us toward the far end of the pool.

I don't have a thing," Tengo said, "except my soul." "Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles," she said.

If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.

If life is a joke, let us play it.

If someone threatens you for telling a joke, that's all the more reason to tell it. Humour is the perfect antidote to fanaticism.

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

I don’t like seeing you hit.” “Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like being hit unless it’s by you.” As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized what I had said. “That sounded all sorts of wrong.” “Insanely so, actually.” “To be clear,” I said to any overhearing ears, “I hit him back--” “Hard.” “It’s a very give-and-take, non-abuse type hitting situation…” The sides of Liam’s mouth folded up like an accordion. “You should probably stop now.” “I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

If someone loves sweet things and constantly eats angel´s hair tartlets should this be diagnosed as having some sort of heavenly trichotillomania?

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.

If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

If you like this story, share it with your friends. If you hate it, share it with your enemies.

If you ever have to give a speech, start with a joke, if you know one. For years I've been looking for the best joke in the world. I think I know what it is. I will tell it to you, but you have to help me. You have to say, "No," when I hold up my hand like this. All right? Don't let me down. Do you know why cream is so much more expensive than milk? AUDIENCE: No. It is because the cows hate to squat on those bottles.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you were to ask Jarod Kintz‬‬‬ what his personal favourite joke was, he'd say the one with the island. The big one next to New Zealand. -Stefan D and Jarod Kintz

I hear sweets help these kind of things, too…” -Jared “What kind of things is that?” -April “I don’t know.” He shrugs before adding, “Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I joke instead of screaming.

I hear there are now Knightsbridge clinics offering semicolonic irrigation – but for many it may be too late.

I'll never miss a chance to remind you of what a brat you were. A gloriously beautiful and very spoiled brat. I was utterly charmed by your complete self-absorption. It was rather like courting a cat.

I like to prowl ordinary places. I feel sorry for us all or glad for us all caught alive together and awkward in that way. there's nothing better than the joke of us the seriousness of us the dullness of us

I'll only go if there's cake. ~Tobias "Four

In 1932 Pravda published a short story by Ilf and Petrov, titled 'How Robinson Was Created,' about a magazine editor who commissions a Soviet Robinson Crusoe from a writer named Moldavantsev. The writer submits a manuscript about a Soviet young man triumphing over nature on a desert island. The editor likes the story, but says that a Soviet Robinson would be unthinkable without a trade union committee consisting of a chairman, two permanent members, and a female activist to collect membership dues. The committee, in its turn, would be unthinkable without a safe deposit box, a chairman's bell, a pitcher of water, and a tablecloth ('red or green, it doesn't matter; I don't want to limit your artistic imagination'), and broad masses of working people. The author objects by saying that so many people could not possible be washed ashore by a single ocean wave: 'Why a wave?' asked the editor, suddenly surprised. 'How else would the masses end up on the island? It is a a desert island, after all!' 'Who said it was a desert island? You're getting me confused. Okay, so there's an island, or, even better, a peninsula. It's safer that way. And that's where a series of amusing, original, and interesting adventures will take place. There'll be some trade union work going on, but not enough. The female activist will expose certain deficiencies - in the area of due collection, for example. She'll be supported by the broad masses. And then there be the repentant chairman. At the end you could have a general meeting. That would be quite effective artistically. I guess that's about it.' 'But - what about Robinson?' stammered Moldavantsev. 'Oh yeah ..., thank for reminding me. I'm not wild about Robinson. Just drop him. He's a silly, whiny, totally unnecessary character.

- I'm a Neuroscientist. - What's that? What do you study? - I study your brain!

I'm joking," She said to the group. Ah, the joking defense. The tried and true excuse for bullies everywhere.

I'm the most famous person, problem is people don't know it yet…

I'm financially ugly.

I’m relieved to see that even brilliant physicists make mistakes.” Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?” “Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.” Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

I pulled the sheet off their faces. Their faces were black with coal dust and didn't look like anything was wrong with them except they were dirty. The both of them had smiles on their faces. I thought maybe one of them had told a joke just before they died and, pain and all, they both laughed and ended up with a smile. Probably not true but but it made me feel good to think about it like that, and when the Sister came in I asked her if I could clean their faces and she said, "no, certainly not!" but I said, "ah, c'mon, it's me brother n' father, I want to," and she looked at me and looked at me, and at last she said, "of course, of course, I'll get some soap and water." When the nun came back she helped me. Not doing it, but more like showing me how, and taking to me, saying things like "this is a very handsome man" and "you must have been proud of your brother" when I told her how Charlie Dave would fight for me, and "you're lucky you have another brother"; of course I was, but he was younger and might change, but she talked to me and made it all seem normal, the two of us standing over a dead face and cleaning the grit away. The only other thing I remember a nun ever saying to me was, "Mairead, you get to your seat, this minute!

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

In the back of my mind I know that this is wrong and I have somewhere I need to be. Like laughing at a joke, then remembering that somebody died. Guilty pleasure.

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian... The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat — which wasn't there. ‘That may be,’ said the philosopher, ‘but a theologian would have found it.