Best 320 quotes in «joke quotes» category

Then she called Gansey. It rang twice, three times, and then: "Hello?" He sounded boyish and ordinary. Blue asked, "Did I wake you up?" She heard Gansey fumble for and scrape up his wireframes. "No," he lied, "I was awake." "I called you by accident anyway. I meant to call Congress, but your number was one off." "Oh?" "Yeah, because yours has 6-6-5 in it." She paused. "Get it?" "Oh, you." "6-6-5. One number different. Get it?" "Yeah, I got it.

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.

There are three things which are real: God, human folly, and laughter. Since the first two pass our comprehension, we must do what we can with the third.

There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.

There is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth.

There was once a man named Joe... Joe was insecure because he had no ears. Joe couldn’t hear a goddamn peep. And so he worked hard and saved up some money until eventually he was able to buy himself a pair of ears. And, for the first time in his life, he was able to hear the music of Beethoven and rejoice in the sound of a child’s laughter. So Joe was no longer insecure about not having ears... although now he’s a little insecure about his speech impediment.

There is one door and so far more windows..., do you know why??... One door for enter and many windows for exit!

There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

These days every morning begins like a joke you think you have heard before, but there is no one telling it whom you can stop. One day it's about a cow who walks into a bar, then about a man with a big nose on his honeymoon, then about a kangaroo who walks into a bar. Each one takes up an entire day. The sun looks like a prank Nathanael West is pulling on the world; on the drive to work cars are swinging comically from lane to lane. The houses and lawns belong in cartoons. The hours collapse into one another's arms. The stories arc over noon and descend like slow ferris wheels into the haze of evening. You wish you could stop listening and get serious. Trouble is you cannot remember the punch line which never arrives till very late at night, just as you are reaching for the bedside lamp, just before you begin laughing in the dark.

The world was a bad joke dreamed up by the Almighty on an off-day. I've always felt myself that he probably had a hangover that morning.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

This two quotes make me laugh "Andre Linoge: Born in lust, turn to dust. Born in sin, COME ON IN." (Stephen King on Storm of the Century) "We are on location, not on vacation" (Unnatural 2015 Film) Everyday when I read it or I repeat it makes me laugh it's kind a joke. The first one is a killer joke, the second one is...(you guess from who is this joke!)

The year that Rutherford died (1938) there disappeared forever the happy days of free scientific work which gave us such delight in our youth. Science has lost her freedom. Science has become a productive force. She has become rich but she has become enslaved and part of her is veiled in secrecy. I do not know whether Rutherford would continue to joke and laugh as he used to.

This wise old whiskery fish swims up to three young fish and goes, 'Morning, boys, how's the water?' and swims away; and the three young fish watch him swim away and look at each other and go, 'What the fuck is water?' and swim away.

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Told you to get him a bell.

Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?

UFO is a joke when there ain't mystery in the sky.

Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

We humans are still a joke in this universe; we are not real, not yet! Universe can annihilate us in seconds! If we want to be something serious - something more than a joke, something more than a shadow - we must significantly raise our level of science!

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

What do you call a rifle with three barrels? A trifle.

What do you have in mind? Rebuild the city?" Eric asks. "Or should we skip to the repopulating part?" "Shut up," Jost commands. "You aren't funny." "Why? That's the nice part of getting stuck on a completely forsaken piece of dirt." "You better hope that you find someone to help you do it then, because she's taken. I'm sure there's a nice dog around here somewhere. Maybe you should stick to your own species," Jost says.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

What's the difference between Darling Cruel, the wind, and a vacuum? A vacuum only sucks. The wind only blows. But Darling sucks, blows, and swallows.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747? -About 20 pounds. -Yo mama carries more passengers. -Not everyone's been on a 747.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

When a joker dies, the joke remains.

What was that?” I croaked. Akhol sidestepped into my view and towered over us. “It was a Demon.” “But you said—” “I know what I said,” Akhol cut in sharply, rubbing his eyes. “There was something wrong with it. Like the Demon had adapted to the darkness and water.” I shivered. “Did he have a ring that he called ‘my precious’?” I joked to try and lighten the mood. I didn’t get a good look at the Demon, but my mind had no problems picturing Gollum. They stared at me blankly.

. . .when the album was done I loved it. It was a mixture of electric and acoustic solo performances with dubs. I called it Le Noise, after Dan. It was a French Canadian joke, a very English was of saying Lanois. I was doing a show that introduced a lot of the songs, and things were going great. I was very happy.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.