Best 188 quotes of Emo Philips on MyQuotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.