Best 239 quotes in «funny humor quotes» category

Religious fundamentalists make me scratch my nuts. Makes me wonder. Are my nuts religious, or are the religious nuts? Or what?

Religious nuts of the world, unite! I too will fly my kite. Let us set up a meet between your imaginary pal in the sky with my friend up there nowhere, Mr. NOT. We will let them slug it out. Whoever survives, will be our GOD! Long live the brotherhood of the nuts and naught!

Remember, you are as dispensable as the most indispensable king of kings, the mighty lord of silly worldly men.

Rough Night, Kitten?

Seek no forgiveness from men in robes. It is just a simple change of clothes. Otherwise, they are like most of us - assholes, or dopes.

Sitting alone in the cafeteria would just scream “I’m the new girl. Everyone stare at me while I eat.

Seth rolled his eyes. “Because you’re such a ladies man.” “I can be. I just have standards, is all. I’m very selective about who I choose to spend time with, whereas you’ll fuck anything that moves. And several things that don’t.

Smile, you're alive.

Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids?

So, as per your ism people like I are going to hell? My friend up there nowhere, Mr. NOT, says its is all your imaginary pal's crap! And that up there in the head, you're not all that well. Now, what do you day to that? Anyway, be well.

So I'm delighted to open up a bit about these particular details, in honor of Valentine's Day (when every balding, chubby, and short actuary wants people - especially the babes out there - to know about his studly past" From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

So I see you got to know Trish on a pretty intimate level tonight,” Max said, focusing her attention back on the present as they made their way down the deserted roads back to her house. “She was definitely…friendly.” What Landon casually defined as friendly was what Max more accurately described as molestation. Her hands had disappeared under the table, rubbing his leg or whatever she was doing, more times than she spent holding her damn cards. Landon’s indifference to the whole thing was entirely impossible to read. Was he enjoying the attention? Wouldn’t any man? Not that it was any of her business. Landon was just some guy that she’d let stay with her for a few days. The fact that he was good-looking was irrelevant. Trish could have him for all she cared as long as they kept the indecencies out of her house. “Well, don’t you worry about her. She’s a bit of a flirt when she’s drunk. I’m pretty sure she’d hit on a monkey.” “You just compared me to a monkey and you don’t want me to worry?” “You know what I mean.” “I’m sorry, I don’t.” “Don’t tell me that girls like that actually appeal to you.” “Jealous?” “Hardly,” Max shot back defensively. “I just pegged you for a man with higher standards that’s all.” She couldn’t really say why she’d chosen to share her opinion. No harm in giving the guy a little warning, right? “You’ve pegged me for a lot of things.

Somebody pinch me." A man with a horrendously hairy chest and a Speedo so tight it was probably cutting off circulation passed by me at that moment, and did just that. I yelped and held a hand to my ass, gawking at his retreating back. Jenny laughed. "Maybe this place is magic, and whatever we say comes true. Ryan Gosling, please!

Summoning my inner Kojak, I tried to convince myself that she would have sat next to me even had there been somewhere else on the bus to sit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very good job of self-persuasion. Good thing I wasn't in court suing myself, because I would have lost. From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.

Soul, love, joy and natural beauty shines first from within. Make time for quiet reflective moments. Be still and know there is more than just Botox and pink martinis for women over 40.

Stil snorted. “I am not in love with Angelique. I’m in love with you,” he said, scooting closer. Gemma pushed her chair away. “Well, that’s not proper.” “Why not?” Stil asked, butting his chair up against Gemma’s. “Because of the age difference.” “Age difference?” “Of course. Surely you can’t be a day younger than fifty or sixty,” Gemma said in surprise. Stil’s jaw dropped. “You think I’m an OLD MAN?!” Stil thundered. “Most magic users are not the age they physically appear to be,” Gemma said.“And it is well known that they age much more slowly.” “You think I’m an OLD MAN?!” he repeated, his voice even louder. “I’m not even twenty-five yet, you mean-spirited mule, and my clothes are fashionable among mages!” Stil said. “This whole time you’ve thought I am OLD?” “I get the impression that offends you.” “IT DOES.” Gemma only lifted her eyebrows. “Aren’t you going to apologize?” Stil asked. “For what?” “For thinking I’m OLD!” Gemma shrugged. “It seems you have only yourself to blame for that misunderstanding.” Stil glowered

Stop cribbing! Go, get a life. But then, perhaps you hate life. In that case, get a wife.

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.

Sometime you have to continue living your life, Laughing at stupid an funny stuff, & loving every MF who hate you an not seem to care

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

The neck in front of her came up. The head swivelled 180 degrees and the horse looked at Kin with bright insectile eyes. 'YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND,' it said inside Kin's head. 'Hell!' 'THOSE ARE NOT MEANINGFUL CO-ORDINATES.

That Stage in Friendship when you can start Insulting them.

That old if you 'need anything, let me know,' is a total crock. You hear people say it all the time, but you never see anyone actually call up the person who said it and say, "Hey, remember when you said to let you know if i needed anything? Well, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Could you please come clean my kitchen, I'd feel like I had a bit of a head start." You will never hear someone say that, because then the person asking the other person to clean their kitchen is seen as a helpless, incompetent dick. -Diana Rowland (My life as a white trash zombie)

The big male gestured to a chair in the corner. "Mind if I sit?" She nodded her acquiescence. "Go right ahead. That chair has seen more tail than a rock star lately.

The crowd quieted as a whole, but more than one creature cursed under his breath, "Not Regin." A drunk hunched over the bar muttered, "That glowing one made me eat a transistor radio once.

The earth is full of them - dogs, and humans. One should get to know them - dogs. They're so human.

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice--" "You do," she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking." He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice." "Not really," Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing.

The next day the stock market crashed. Hemmingway didn’t quite understand what it all meant, but from the way the white people in town were running around like chickens without heads, she took it as an omen.

There are more rascals on earth than there are people.

The quintessential 'make' of the Cosmos or Universe, is 'unity' and 'oneness'. Get it somehow, anyhow. Live accordingly. Or remain as you are. And die a dumbass. Your choice, douchebags.

Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.

The wife’s gotta know. You can’t hook up like that for what looks like about six or seven years without the wife figuring it out. Unless she’s another idiot. “I’m not an idiot.” Smiling, Roarke continued to stroke. “I’ll keep that in mind when I decide to have a long-term affair.” “Yeah, you do that. They’ll never find your body,” she murmured, then dropped into sleep. His smiled warmed, and feeling well loved, he dropped off with her.

This was getting uglier by the minute, I thought. There really was no easy escape, since we were sitting far from the exit and the waiters knew me from prior dinner dates with Ashley and I hadn't paid the tab yet. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

The thing with politicians is that though they spit differently yet they shit similarly.

The truth is a farthing distance from god-ism and atheism. Were both of them, the religious nuts and the atheist bull-heads to stop farting, they would at the very least get a farthing of the Truth.

Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen..........Treat me like a queen and off with your head

Wait!" Conrad said. "Did someone... one of my enemies set this fire?" Nix turned back with a grin. "Unless you'd pissed off some wirring-hungry nutrias, then I'm going with no.

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

Und solange nur garantiert war, dass Rava dabei neben mir stand, hätte ich in diesem Moment sogar eine Einladung auf ein schönes großes Glas abgestandenen Blumenwassers angenommen.

Wait. Like an art museum, or are we talking a history museum? I could tolerate the dinosaur bones and war relics, but modern art will just give me a headache. A red dot on a white canvas isn’t ‘a representation of a woman’s struggle in a male dominated society;’ it’s a red freakin’ circle!” Michael and Ryan nodded their heads in agreement with Jack’s artistic tirade.

We are all born idiots. Most of us never become any better. Hence, idiotically we live, die too in the same state as we were born . O' wise one, be not one of them!

Well," he said to the men playing cards, "here comes a very strange beast which in all tongues is called a fool.

We can beat our swords into plowshares, and we can beat our plowshares into swords, but as far as computers go, a hammer can only change the shape of the junk, not it's function.

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't!

Well, good news, " Blitzen said. "I found the bag. Bad news...I found the bag.

Well, you are a wolf, I don't think it's a good idea to start the habit of you sleeping in the bed, you know, with all the shedding and what-not.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747? -About 20 pounds. -Yo mama carries more passengers. -Not everyone's been on a 747.

Were I but perfectly normal, I would just not be.