Best 63 quotes in «sarcasm humor quotes» category

Well, because you mysteriously came all this way and obviously are not the man I thought you were, why the heck not. So, Phet, if that’s even your real name, tell me, how do I defeat Lokesh?” “It’s simple. Do to him what I did to you.” “What? Talk to him in broken English?

Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash

Well we can't be having that. One person starts having fun and it turns into an epidemic. Difficult to stop that kind of thing, you know.

What exactly constitutes an emergency in a modelling agency? Two girls fighting to death with a hair straightener?

Why a woman turns fifty and certain people to whom she gave birth start thinking she should be wearing orthopedic shoes is completely beyond me.

— Why did blondes vote for Clinton? — They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious!

You have been a poor observer of life if you have not also seen the hand that, ever so gently – kills.

You are soft person you said. But you're soft as shit: it is very soft but stinking!

Without question, his picture did not do him justice, but again, he was dead when it was taken

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. “You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at his words.

You jealous souls are primeval without a doubt, Teach yourself to eat better instead of trying to eat one's heart out.

Your hand lingered on my butt to make sure I understood, right?” “I did everything slow, so even someone with limited perceptive abilities could follow what I was doing.

and I have a tiny little moment of anxiety, because I can't remember whether or not we're meant to be boycotting mars bars.

And just how did you arrive at that remarkable conclusion, Mr. Mayor?" "In a rather simple way. It merely required the use of that much-neglected commodity -- common sense. You see, there is a branch of human knowledge known as symbolic logic, which can be used to prune away all sorts of clogging deadwood that clutters up human language." "What about it?" said Fulham. "I applied it. Among other things, I applied it to this document here. I didn't really need to for myself because I knew what it was all about, but I think I can explain it more easily to five physical scientists by symbols rather than by words." Hardin removed a few sheets of paper from the pad under his arm and spread them out. "I didn't do this myself, by the way," he said. "Muller Holk of the Division of Logic has his name signed to the analyses, as you can see." Pirenne leaned over the table to get a better view and Hardin continued: "The message from Anacreon was a simple problem, naturally, for the men who wrote it were men of action rather than men of words. It boils down easily and straightforwardly to the unqualified statement, when in symbols is what you see, and which in words, roughly translated is, 'You give us what we want in a week, or we take it by force.'" There was silence as the five members of the Board ran down the line of symbols, and then Pirenne sat down and coughed uneasily. Hardin said, "No loophole, is there, Dr. Pirenne?" "Doesn't seem to be.

Are you sure that's Val?" "No," said Freddie. "It's Lassie in a wolf suit.

Your quick ‘no’ is because I refused to say ‘yes’ to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your—

Am I the only one who recalls that Seth Turner used to think trees give off cold air because when you stand in the shade it's cooler than in the sun?

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy." Mommy-- "What?

Better to have loved and lost some money, than not having money at all.

Be the Chocolate What if I want to be the bird who eats the Chocolate?

Double Sword Tavern.” Tristan said, reading out loud. “Sounds charming and inviting.

Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape.

Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.

Do you really think that God in his heaven with all the angels, there from the beginning of time and looking towards the day of judgement day, really looks down on all the world and see's you and little harry and says 'whatever you choose to do is my will?' "Yes i do." she says uncertainly.

Grades are misconceptions that form people’s perceptions.

Dying's a bitch, and I would know.

Ignorance is not your strong suit. You should stick with stupidity

He had three incision sites: one where the microscopic camera had gone in and two where they’d done the actual work, and the abuse he’d taken today went straight to her heart. “Oh, Pace.” “I’m guessing that wasn’t an ‘Oh, Pace, you’re so sexy, take me.’

He shook off the thoughts—that wasn’t anything he needed to worry about tonight. Any second now, he was going to hear the chime of a new text message, the chime that signaled the demise of rich, slick Maybe-next-time-we-can-meet-for-more-than-two-minutes-which-also-happens-to-be-how-long- I-last-during-sex Tyler Roland, Attorney-at-Law. Vaughn picked up his phone to check that it had a signal. Yep, any second now.

How was one to answer these meaningless questions, really? 'A fine day today, is it not, sir? How was your walk? I trust you are in good health this morning.' He should tell them the day was terrible, he had witnessed a murder, and he'd walked to the moon, just to see what they would do.

I almost short her once or twice, but the excitement ends there.

I assure you I am as optimistic as a pessimist can be."-Fletcher

If you 're serious about getting it on again, be sure to give me some advance notice, so I can grab my appointment calendar and block out three minutes.

He's a gem, sir. I wish I had one just like him." He rattled the ring of keys on Artemis's belt. "And what are these?" Artemis scratched his head. "Uh, keys?

How touching. I think I'm gonna throw up.

I guess we'll just sit around here and casually die, then.

I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes!

I saw ugly from a distant, she was looking beautiful.

I speak two languages: English and Sarcasm.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

I improvise therefore I exist!

I'm Cam, a Cheesehead drug dealer. Nice to meet you. "Ha. Nice man." Does he know I'm joking?

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word. “That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear. “Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

I'm very nice. I'm nice to everyone who deserves my niceness. -Emmy

Nicholas is gay, isn't he," she says, her voice dripping with dejection. I shrug, again remembering his proposition from last night. "Not necessarily. The jury's still out. There's hope for a Christmas wedding yet," I tell her.

Love is a fairytale blah, blah, blah.

My condolences, you're still alive.

My sarcasm is wasted on the young.

Never in my life had I wished so hard for a thousand-foot-wide asteroid to change its course to hit someone directly in the face. Granted, it would have wiped out the entire country and possibly caused an impact winter on Earth in the process, but the greater good of mankind was worth some modicum of sacrifice.

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel.