Best 63 quotes in «sarcasm humor quotes» category

Am I the only one who recalls that Seth Turner used to think trees give off cold air because when you stand in the shade it's cooler than in the sun?

And just how did you arrive at that remarkable conclusion, Mr. Mayor?" "In a rather simple way. It merely required the use of that much-neglected commodity -- common sense. You see, there is a branch of human knowledge known as symbolic logic, which can be used to prune away all sorts of clogging deadwood that clutters up human language." "What about it?" said Fulham. "I applied it. Among other things, I applied it to this document here. I didn't really need to for myself because I knew what it was all about, but I think I can explain it more easily to five physical scientists by symbols rather than by words." Hardin removed a few sheets of paper from the pad under his arm and spread them out. "I didn't do this myself, by the way," he said. "Muller Holk of the Division of Logic has his name signed to the analyses, as you can see." Pirenne leaned over the table to get a better view and Hardin continued: "The message from Anacreon was a simple problem, naturally, for the men who wrote it were men of action rather than men of words. It boils down easily and straightforwardly to the unqualified statement, when in symbols is what you see, and which in words, roughly translated is, 'You give us what we want in a week, or we take it by force.'" There was silence as the five members of the Board ran down the line of symbols, and then Pirenne sat down and coughed uneasily. Hardin said, "No loophole, is there, Dr. Pirenne?" "Doesn't seem to be.

and I have a tiny little moment of anxiety, because I can't remember whether or not we're meant to be boycotting mars bars.

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy." Mommy-- "What?

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. “You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at his words.

Are you sure that's Val?" "No," said Freddie. "It's Lassie in a wolf suit.

Better to have loved and lost some money, than not having money at all.

Be the Chocolate What if I want to be the bird who eats the Chocolate?

Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape.

Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.

Do you really think that God in his heaven with all the angels, there from the beginning of time and looking towards the day of judgement day, really looks down on all the world and see's you and little harry and says 'whatever you choose to do is my will?' "Yes i do." she says uncertainly.

Double Sword Tavern.” Tristan said, reading out loud. “Sounds charming and inviting.

He had three incision sites: one where the microscopic camera had gone in and two where they’d done the actual work, and the abuse he’d taken today went straight to her heart. “Oh, Pace.” “I’m guessing that wasn’t an ‘Oh, Pace, you’re so sexy, take me.’

Dying's a bitch, and I would know.

Grades are misconceptions that form people’s perceptions.

He's a gem, sir. I wish I had one just like him." He rattled the ring of keys on Artemis's belt. "And what are these?" Artemis scratched his head. "Uh, keys?

He shook off the thoughts—that wasn’t anything he needed to worry about tonight. Any second now, he was going to hear the chime of a new text message, the chime that signaled the demise of rich, slick Maybe-next-time-we-can-meet-for-more-than-two-minutes-which-also-happens-to-be-how-long- I-last-during-sex Tyler Roland, Attorney-at-Law. Vaughn picked up his phone to check that it had a signal. Yep, any second now.

How was one to answer these meaningless questions, really? 'A fine day today, is it not, sir? How was your walk? I trust you are in good health this morning.' He should tell them the day was terrible, he had witnessed a murder, and he'd walked to the moon, just to see what they would do.

How touching. I think I'm gonna throw up.

I almost short her once or twice, but the excitement ends there.

I guess we'll just sit around here and casually die, then.

I assure you I am as optimistic as a pessimist can be."-Fletcher

If you 're serious about getting it on again, be sure to give me some advance notice, so I can grab my appointment calendar and block out three minutes.

Ignorance is not your strong suit. You should stick with stupidity

I improvise therefore I exist!

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

I'm very nice. I'm nice to everyone who deserves my niceness. -Emmy

I'm Cam, a Cheesehead drug dealer. Nice to meet you. "Ha. Nice man." Does he know I'm joking?

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word. “That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear. “Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

I saw ugly from a distant, she was looking beautiful.

My condolences, you're still alive.

I speak two languages: English and Sarcasm.

I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes!

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel.

It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any.

Love is a fairytale blah, blah, blah.

One never knows when one might have to defend against..." Bounty hunters? Soldiers? Enforcers? "Opossums.

My sarcasm is wasted on the young.

Nicholas is gay, isn't he," she says, her voice dripping with dejection. I shrug, again remembering his proposition from last night. "Not necessarily. The jury's still out. There's hope for a Christmas wedding yet," I tell her.

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.

Never in my life had I wished so hard for a thousand-foot-wide asteroid to change its course to hit someone directly in the face. Granted, it would have wiped out the entire country and possibly caused an impact winter on Earth in the process, but the greater good of mankind was worth some modicum of sacrifice.

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.

So no going and getting yourself killed,” Kieran jumped in. With the way those fae targeted him last night, more would come. The memory of the bartender lingered—if they’d made one wrong move the victim could’ve been Liz. Liz rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I’m going to go toddle into traffic.

sarcasm is the ability to insult an idiot without realizing it

Son-- "We don't need ladders, we have obsidian, bro." Mommy's thoughts-- "............................... .......fucking minecraft

The only thing that's fair about me is the colour of my hair. People should remember that.

That didn't last long, of course. "Oh Bartimaeus, could you just irrigate the Fertile Cresent?""Could you just divert the Euphrates HERE and HERE?""Look, while you're at it, do you mind just planting a few million wheat seeds up and down the flood plain? Thanks." Didn't even give me a dibble. By the time I got to Ur I wasn't surging with any of that terrible joy, oh no. My back was KILLING me.

The last time when world made sense to me was , it will end by December 2012, And now nobody gives a fuck .

... the house is on fire, but go ahead - finish painting the verandah...

This has to be one of the strangest standoffs in history. 'No, please, you air your grievances first.' 'No, no, I couldn’t possibly.