Best 63 quotes in «sarcasm humor quotes» category

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy." Mommy-- "What?

Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape.

Grades are misconceptions that form people’s perceptions.

Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.

Dying's a bitch, and I would know.

Double Sword Tavern.” Tristan said, reading out loud. “Sounds charming and inviting.

Do you really think that God in his heaven with all the angels, there from the beginning of time and looking towards the day of judgement day, really looks down on all the world and see's you and little harry and says 'whatever you choose to do is my will?' "Yes i do." she says uncertainly.

He had three incision sites: one where the microscopic camera had gone in and two where they’d done the actual work, and the abuse he’d taken today went straight to her heart. “Oh, Pace.” “I’m guessing that wasn’t an ‘Oh, Pace, you’re so sexy, take me.’

He shook off the thoughts—that wasn’t anything he needed to worry about tonight. Any second now, he was going to hear the chime of a new text message, the chime that signaled the demise of rich, slick Maybe-next-time-we-can-meet-for-more-than-two-minutes-which-also-happens-to-be-how-long- I-last-during-sex Tyler Roland, Attorney-at-Law. Vaughn picked up his phone to check that it had a signal. Yep, any second now.

He's a gem, sir. I wish I had one just like him." He rattled the ring of keys on Artemis's belt. "And what are these?" Artemis scratched his head. "Uh, keys?

How was one to answer these meaningless questions, really? 'A fine day today, is it not, sir? How was your walk? I trust you are in good health this morning.' He should tell them the day was terrible, he had witnessed a murder, and he'd walked to the moon, just to see what they would do.

How touching. I think I'm gonna throw up.

I almost short her once or twice, but the excitement ends there.

I assure you I am as optimistic as a pessimist can be."-Fletcher

Ignorance is not your strong suit. You should stick with stupidity

If you 're serious about getting it on again, be sure to give me some advance notice, so I can grab my appointment calendar and block out three minutes.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

I guess we'll just sit around here and casually die, then.

I improvise therefore I exist!

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word. “That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear. “Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

I'm Cam, a Cheesehead drug dealer. Nice to meet you. "Ha. Nice man." Does he know I'm joking?

I'm very nice. I'm nice to everyone who deserves my niceness. -Emmy

I saw ugly from a distant, she was looking beautiful.

I speak two languages: English and Sarcasm.

I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes!

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel.

It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any.

Love is a fairytale blah, blah, blah.

Never in my life had I wished so hard for a thousand-foot-wide asteroid to change its course to hit someone directly in the face. Granted, it would have wiped out the entire country and possibly caused an impact winter on Earth in the process, but the greater good of mankind was worth some modicum of sacrifice.

My condolences, you're still alive.

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.

So no going and getting yourself killed,” Kieran jumped in. With the way those fae targeted him last night, more would come. The memory of the bartender lingered—if they’d made one wrong move the victim could’ve been Liz. Liz rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I’m going to go toddle into traffic.

My sarcasm is wasted on the young.

One never knows when one might have to defend against..." Bounty hunters? Soldiers? Enforcers? "Opossums.

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.

Son-- "We don't need ladders, we have obsidian, bro." Mommy's thoughts-- "............................... .......fucking minecraft

Nicholas is gay, isn't he," she says, her voice dripping with dejection. I shrug, again remembering his proposition from last night. "Not necessarily. The jury's still out. There's hope for a Christmas wedding yet," I tell her.

sarcasm is the ability to insult an idiot without realizing it

... the house is on fire, but go ahead - finish painting the verandah...

That didn't last long, of course. "Oh Bartimaeus, could you just irrigate the Fertile Cresent?""Could you just divert the Euphrates HERE and HERE?""Look, while you're at it, do you mind just planting a few million wheat seeds up and down the flood plain? Thanks." Didn't even give me a dibble. By the time I got to Ur I wasn't surging with any of that terrible joy, oh no. My back was KILLING me.

The last time when world made sense to me was , it will end by December 2012, And now nobody gives a fuck .

The only thing that's fair about me is the colour of my hair. People should remember that.

There had been a time when humans on Earth climbed rocks just like this. Like the fabled drive in the countryside, it had been a form of recreation. I smiled behind my face mask. Those people had some peculiar ideas about what was fun.

Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash

This has to be one of the strangest standoffs in history. 'No, please, you air your grievances first.' 'No, no, I couldn’t possibly.

Well, because you mysteriously came all this way and obviously are not the man I thought you were, why the heck not. So, Phet, if that’s even your real name, tell me, how do I defeat Lokesh?” “It’s simple. Do to him what I did to you.” “What? Talk to him in broken English?

Well we can't be having that. One person starts having fun and it turns into an epidemic. Difficult to stop that kind of thing, you know.

Without question, his picture did not do him justice, but again, he was dead when it was taken

What exactly constitutes an emergency in a modelling agency? Two girls fighting to death with a hair straightener?

Why a woman turns fifty and certain people to whom she gave birth start thinking she should be wearing orthopedic shoes is completely beyond me.