Best 188 quotes of Phyllis Diller on MyQuotes

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.