Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.

Everything I write is personal, really. Even when I'm sarcastic, it's quite personal. And on this record, from the production to the singing to the performances, I got it really honest. To the modern ear, it seems soft. When you hear it against other things, it seems vulnerable. Lyrically and musically, though, this is more subtle. And, yes, it's asking a lot of someone who's used to being hit over the head with bright neon to listen to this.

German in the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

For hearts that are kindly, with virtue and peace, and not seeking blindly a hoard to increase; for those who are grieving o'er life's sordid plan; for souls still believing in heaven and man; for homes that are lowly with love at the board; for things th

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.

He has inhibited discussion by designating admonition as the method of dealing with a heretic- and the first method, too, because he is not a Christian. This is so that he would not seem to require correction again and again and before two or three witnesses as though he were a Christian. He ought to be corrected for the very reason that he is not to be disputed with. In addition, this is said because a controversy over the Scriptures can, clearly, produce no other effect than help to upset either the stomach or the brain.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

Her face was her chaperone.

Her skin was white as leprosy.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

He's liked, but he's not well liked.

He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

Humor is a good way in general to get people together, I think. Of course, Danish humor is more ironic and sarcastic altogether.

I am a very strong supporter of the Second Amendment. And I am ­­ I don't know if Hillary was saying it in a sarcastic manner, but I'm very proud to have the endorsement of the NRA. And it's the earliest endorsement they've ever given to anybody who ran for president. So I'm very honored by all of that.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I can be much more sarcastic and, I think, sometimes withering in my assessments of things than I allow to show in my public life.

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I can resist everything except temptation.