Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.

He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

Her face was her chaperone.

Her skin was white as leprosy.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.

He's liked, but he's not well liked.

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

Humor is a good way in general to get people together, I think. Of course, Danish humor is more ironic and sarcastic altogether.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

I am a very strong supporter of the Second Amendment. And I am ­­ I don't know if Hillary was saying it in a sarcastic manner, but I'm very proud to have the endorsement of the NRA. And it's the earliest endorsement they've ever given to anybody who ran for president. So I'm very honored by all of that.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I can be much more sarcastic and, I think, sometimes withering in my assessments of things than I allow to show in my public life.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I can resist everything except temptation.

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If he wants to tell you, he'll tell you. End of story, Rose. Besides, you certainly keep your share of secrets too. You two have a lot in common." "Are you kidding? He's arrogant, sarcastic, likes to intimidate people, and—oh." Okay. Maybe she had a point.

I find myself to be quite sarcastic, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't get that.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

I got into therapy in the fifth grade because I said in a sarcastic way that I was going to kill myself, and they didn't get it then. Nothing's changed.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.