Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I'm pretty sarcastic, and sometimes that doesn't come across on the Internet. It seems I'm being rude or stupid.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

In my work, and in my psyche, there's some very sentimental, traditional, conventional side that's always in argument with a more radical, sarcastic side. Some of my stories are really sentimental, but they're layered over with weird, satirical stuff.

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In Lubbock, we grew up with two main things: God loves you and he's gonna send you to hell, and that sex is bad and dirty and nasty and awful and you should save it for the one you love.

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

I'm very bubbly, so when people meet me, they sometimes think I'm fake. I'm excited to meet new people, but I guess I sound I'm being sarcastic.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

In order to know whether a human being is young or old, offer it food of different kinds at short intervals. If young, it will eat anything at any hour of the day or night.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

Instant gratification takes too long.

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I suddenly thought about being backstage, and I think it shocks you to meet the people you shared your bedrooms with. And a lot of them either take themselves too seriously or don't know how to take themselves at all. But I wanted to be aware in a very sarcastic way that every song I've written has probably been written about 12-16 times before. And doing that makes it very hard for me to accept serious singer-songwriters in the world, the up-and-comers, the ones who are out there who let that define their every move, who live and die and breathe for it. It's a bit of a tragedy, I think.

I thought I could make a sarcastic joke about it. But it's based on my own struggle with how much to give, how much it's really helping or not, and how foolish or not I feel. Giving sometimes backfires.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

It is a noteworthy fact that kicking and beating have played so considerable a part in the habits which necessity has imposed on mankind in past ages that the only way of preventing civilized men from beating and kicking their wives is to organize games in which they can kick and beat balls.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

It was unnerving, the way she could go from cool efficiency to sarcastic to sweet within the space of thirty seconds. I found it very manipulative and controlling. It put the other person constantly on-guard. And it was extremely intimidating because you never knew when she was going to snap. I made a mental note to refine these skills within myself.

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I've been things and seen places.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

I was so furious I was actually dizzy with it. There were so many bitchy, sarcastic observations to make, I was having a sarcasm stroke. "My God! You people! You're - you're so stupid you're making my eyeballs throb. They're throbbing, dammit!

I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

Little things affect little minds.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it's just another way to bleed.

Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.

Most of the time, the songs have jokes in them, little sarcastic things, or purposely kitsch or something. So that's going along with a story, like I do in life, just talking to myself and making fun of stuff and laughing at stuff that's serious. And sometimes it's a good idea to put the laughing into the songs. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's all right just to be serious. But most of the songs have some kind of joke in them.