Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

It is a noteworthy fact that kicking and beating have played so considerable a part in the habits which necessity has imposed on mankind in past ages that the only way of preventing civilized men from beating and kicking their wives is to organize games in which they can kick and beat balls.

I thought I could make a sarcastic joke about it. But it's based on my own struggle with how much to give, how much it's really helping or not, and how foolish or not I feel. Giving sometimes backfires.

It was unnerving, the way she could go from cool efficiency to sarcastic to sweet within the space of thirty seconds. I found it very manipulative and controlling. It put the other person constantly on-guard. And it was extremely intimidating because you never knew when she was going to snap. I made a mental note to refine these skills within myself.

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

I was so furious I was actually dizzy with it. There were so many bitchy, sarcastic observations to make, I was having a sarcasm stroke. "My God! You people! You're - you're so stupid you're making my eyeballs throb. They're throbbing, dammit!

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I've been things and seen places.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

Little things affect little minds.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it's just another way to bleed.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Most of the time, the songs have jokes in them, little sarcastic things, or purposely kitsch or something. So that's going along with a story, like I do in life, just talking to myself and making fun of stuff and laughing at stuff that's serious. And sometimes it's a good idea to put the laughing into the songs. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's all right just to be serious. But most of the songs have some kind of joke in them.

My films often have a very strong strain of irony, or even sarcasm, which is definitely related to homosexual camp. But it is by no means straightforward: quite often I am sincere when I appear to be sarcastic, and I am sarcastic when I appear to be sincere. I also try to contradict myself at least once a day, which is a camp must.

My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes.

Only the shallow know themselves.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies

[on pop idol Donny Osmond] He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

Part of my reaction to my diagnosis of infertility was deeply sarcastic and critical, part of it was morbid, part of it was numb, part of it was neurotic and desperate. To mush all of those notes together would cancel them out. I ended up just trying to keep them as separate as possible.

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

People do not deserve to have good writing, they are so pleased with bad.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

She is a peacock in everything but beauty!

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!

Science can never solve one problem without raising ten more problems.

Scotland: That garret of the earth - that knuckle-end of England - that land of Calvin, oatcakes, and sulfur.

She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

She was developing what Mom called a bit of a sarcastic streak.

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.

‎Should we do this now?" Pam gave an almost inaudible snort. She was smiling in the glow of the streetlight, suddenly exhilarated. "You waiting for an engraved invite?" Lord save me from sarcastic vampires.

Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about everything.