Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

I got into therapy in the fifth grade because I said in a sarcastic way that I was going to kill myself, and they didn't get it then. Nothing's changed.

If you think research is expensive, try disease!

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I'm very bubbly, so when people meet me, they sometimes think I'm fake. I'm excited to meet new people, but I guess I sound I'm being sarcastic.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I'm pretty sarcastic, and sometimes that doesn't come across on the Internet. It seems I'm being rude or stupid.

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

In Lubbock, we grew up with two main things: God loves you and he's gonna send you to hell, and that sex is bad and dirty and nasty and awful and you should save it for the one you love.

In my work, and in my psyche, there's some very sentimental, traditional, conventional side that's always in argument with a more radical, sarcastic side. Some of my stories are really sentimental, but they're layered over with weird, satirical stuff.

Instant gratification takes too long.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

In order to know whether a human being is young or old, offer it food of different kinds at short intervals. If young, it will eat anything at any hour of the day or night.

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

I suddenly thought about being backstage, and I think it shocks you to meet the people you shared your bedrooms with. And a lot of them either take themselves too seriously or don't know how to take themselves at all. But I wanted to be aware in a very sarcastic way that every song I've written has probably been written about 12-16 times before. And doing that makes it very hard for me to accept serious singer-songwriters in the world, the up-and-comers, the ones who are out there who let that define their every move, who live and die and breathe for it. It's a bit of a tragedy, I think.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I thought I could make a sarcastic joke about it. But it's based on my own struggle with how much to give, how much it's really helping or not, and how foolish or not I feel. Giving sometimes backfires.

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

It is a noteworthy fact that kicking and beating have played so considerable a part in the habits which necessity has imposed on mankind in past ages that the only way of preventing civilized men from beating and kicking their wives is to organize games in which they can kick and beat balls.

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

It was unnerving, the way she could go from cool efficiency to sarcastic to sweet within the space of thirty seconds. I found it very manipulative and controlling. It put the other person constantly on-guard. And it was extremely intimidating because you never knew when she was going to snap. I made a mental note to refine these skills within myself.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

I've been things and seen places.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.