Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

You don’t drink coffee? Are you human?

You make the rarest canvas, love

You're a big help, Mr. I Read So Many Books.

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

Your middle name might be discreet, but mine is resourceful, Darling.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

You're just a huge romantic at heart, aren't you?" "If there's cash involved, I'm anything you want me to be.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.

Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep.

A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

Being the offspring of English teachers is a mixed blessing. When the film star says to you, on the air, 'It was a perfect script for she and I,' inside your head you hear, in the sarcastic voice of your late father, 'Perfect for she, eh? And perfect for I, also?'

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Better never than late.

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

Chick flick is not a term used to praise a movie. Nobody says 'it's a great chick flick.' It's a way of being derisive. I'm not clear why it's ok to do it.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Deliberate with caution, but act with decision and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.

Everything I write is personal, really. Even when I'm sarcastic, it's quite personal. And on this record, from the production to the singing to the performances, I got it really honest. To the modern ear, it seems soft. When you hear it against other things, it seems vulnerable. Lyrically and musically, though, this is more subtle. And, yes, it's asking a lot of someone who's used to being hit over the head with bright neon to listen to this.

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.

German in the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

For hearts that are kindly, with virtue and peace, and not seeking blindly a hoard to increase; for those who are grieving o'er life's sordid plan; for souls still believing in heaven and man; for homes that are lowly with love at the board; for things th

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

He has inhibited discussion by designating admonition as the method of dealing with a heretic- and the first method, too, because he is not a Christian. This is so that he would not seem to require correction again and again and before two or three witnesses as though he were a Christian. He ought to be corrected for the very reason that he is not to be disputed with. In addition, this is said because a controversy over the Scriptures can, clearly, produce no other effect than help to upset either the stomach or the brain.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.