Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

Humor is a good way in general to get people together, I think. Of course, Danish humor is more ironic and sarcastic altogether.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I can be much more sarcastic and, I think, sometimes withering in my assessments of things than I allow to show in my public life.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I am a very strong supporter of the Second Amendment. And I am ­­ I don't know if Hillary was saying it in a sarcastic manner, but I'm very proud to have the endorsement of the NRA. And it's the earliest endorsement they've ever given to anybody who ran for president. So I'm very honored by all of that.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If he wants to tell you, he'll tell you. End of story, Rose. Besides, you certainly keep your share of secrets too. You two have a lot in common." "Are you kidding? He's arrogant, sarcastic, likes to intimidate people, and—oh." Okay. Maybe she had a point.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

I find myself to be quite sarcastic, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't get that.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

If you think research is expensive, try disease!

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I got into therapy in the fifth grade because I said in a sarcastic way that I was going to kill myself, and they didn't get it then. Nothing's changed.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

I'm pretty sarcastic, and sometimes that doesn't come across on the Internet. It seems I'm being rude or stupid.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

I'm very bubbly, so when people meet me, they sometimes think I'm fake. I'm excited to meet new people, but I guess I sound I'm being sarcastic.

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

In Lubbock, we grew up with two main things: God loves you and he's gonna send you to hell, and that sex is bad and dirty and nasty and awful and you should save it for the one you love.

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

In my work, and in my psyche, there's some very sentimental, traditional, conventional side that's always in argument with a more radical, sarcastic side. Some of my stories are really sentimental, but they're layered over with weird, satirical stuff.

In order to know whether a human being is young or old, offer it food of different kinds at short intervals. If young, it will eat anything at any hour of the day or night.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Instant gratification takes too long.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?