Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Sometimes we are asking God to reveal his presence, provisions and purpose in our lives and we pray like we are trying to get God's attention but I think prayer has less with getting God's attention but He getting mine.

Sometimes we want God to use us to do big things when we would not even want to do the basics.

Sometimes you don’t even have to have sex at all, and for that kind of sicko, you charge double.

Sometimes what not to do is more important than what to do. Sometimes when you are in crisis, when frustration are high or when you are under pressure, what you don't do is more important than what you do. Don't be afraid. ....

Sometimes when a father has an ugly, loutish son, the love he bears him so blindfolds his eyes that he does not see his defects, or, rather, takes them for gifts and charms of mind and body, and talks of them to his friends as wit and grace. I, however—for though I pass for the father, I am but the stepfather to "Don Quixote"—have no desire to go with the current of custom, or to implore thee, dearest reader, almost with tears in my eyes, as others do, to pardon or excuse the defects thou wilt perceive in this child of mine. Thou art neither its kinsman nor its friend, thy soul is thine own and thy will as free as any man's, whate'er he be, thou art in thine own house and master of it as much as the king of his taxes and thou knowest the common saying, "Under my cloak I kill the king;" all which exempts and frees thee from every consideration and obligation, and thou canst say what thou wilt of the story without fear of being abused for any ill or rewarded for any good thou mayest say of it.

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

Some women’s greatest achievement is sleeping with a man who is rich, famous, and/or wanted by many women, whereas some women’s greatest achievement is refusing to sleep with such a man.

Some women wear a miniskirt to reveal their thighs; some wear one to conceal their age.

Some writers write to forget. Some forget to write.

So off had gone John to the wars again. But he had not remained for long in the position of a humble volunteer. Colonel Clifton, commanding the 1st Regiment of Dragoons, no sooner heard that Crazy Jack was back then he enrolled him as an extra aide-de-camp.

Soroya:“Where are we going? I need to know what to wear.” Graham: “Wear whatever you’re wearing right now.” I looked down. Soraya: “A hot pink lace bra and G-string? Where are you taking me, a strip club?

Sorry about the rain. This is your doing? I'm doing everything I can to change Catesby's mind. The mare plodded along. I looked to the skies. maybe add some hail.

Sooner or later it'd get to you. Death was fascinated by humans, and study was never a one-way thing. A man might spend his life peering at the private life of elementary particles and then find he either knew who he was or where he was, but not both.

Sophie did this?" He said, not for the first time. They were standing at the foot of Jessamine's bed. She lay flung upon it, her chest rising and falling slowly like the famous Sleeping Beauty waxwork or Madame du Barry. Her fair hair was scattered on the pillow, and a large, bloody welt ran across her forehead. Each of her wrists was tied to a post of the bed. "Our Sophie?" Tessa glanced over at Sophie, who was sitting in a chair by the door. Her head was down, and she was staring at her hands. She studiously avoided looking at Tessa or Will. "Yes,"Tessa said, "and do stop repeating it." " I think i may be in love with you, Sophie," said Will. "Marriage could be on the cards." Sophie whimpered.

Sorry, no. I refuse to join an army which practices human sacrifice and has no adequate pension plan.

So then do you think it's true that he killed someone? And what about the part where he wishes he could die?" "If it IS true that he killed someone, that's bad." In any case, "it seems like something is bothering Shuji" was now a contender for the Understatement of the Century.

So…we’ll start by boasting, will we? Just like old times! Very well, demigod.

So…what are we doing in class today?” I ask Adam, hoping that my question might stir him into action. I also ask to satisfy my curiosity. Adam sighs, before copying Jen. “Oh…just the structure of a plasma membrane.” He says in a matter of fact tone. “Nothing too taxing.” My silent reply says everything. Oh boy!

Soul: As a cool guy, I'm used to seeing naked women. Blair: That explains the nosebleed

So what about Vengeous? Is he bad news?" "The worst. I don't think he's ever forgotten the time I threw a bundle of dynamite at him. It didn't kill him, obviously, but it definitely ruined his day." "Is he all scarred now?" "Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think that I scarred him emotionally.

So, what’s behind door number one?” Mary commented, bringing him out of his thoughts as the second air lock door opened. “Pardon?” “Oh, nothing. Game show reference, I make silly comments when I get nervous.” He led the way in to the corridor, on either side glass windows looked over the flanking rooms but it was too dark to see anything. Valdagerion suddenly stopped, listening. Abruptly he pressed her flat against the wall, almost crushing her just as four armed Unseeile appeared around the curve in the corner, rifles aiming. Blue bursts of light and heat flew past them. “Shit.” Mary squeaked. “I would have settled for the cuddly toy.

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody worse.

So you're a fellow mercenary, then." "Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?" "Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.

Space, as you can see, is a complete void, nothing but clear air, without solid objects or the illumination of light. On some of our photographs of space, however, studied close to, even without a magnifying glass or an enlargement lens, you will notice, in the remote background, stars, some solitary, others in shimmering clusters. And in the next set of photographs you will see the alien machine we encountered that sat stubbornly stationary in the way of our unselfgoverned path.

Space is infinite. To the mind that means freedom, liberation.' So wrote Arisko, our greatest turkle philosopher, in his most famous work, 'Thoughts In A Bathtub'," said Dottia, dreamily, in an inspired state.

Spring had come finally and after much hesitation, to Lincoln's Inn Fields and there were daffodils out upon the green grass and gilly-flowers blooming in the window-boxes of the ground floor sets. This being Lincoln's Inn, where an air of general severity prevails, they did so with an unconscionable meekness, as if they feared that some legal eminence- Mr Crabbe perhaps- would descend in wrath from his chambers and present them with a writ for unlicensed blossoming or occupying too great a proportion of space.

Spiritual life is not mystic; when you decide to work with God, you have stepped to mystery, God can intervene at any time, God can come down even when you are not ready. From the minute you know and understand that God is interested in your marriage, job, business, health, the minute you know that God is interested in what you are doing for Him, the job will take a new turn, your business will take a new course, your life will have a new direction.

Stalking old flames has become a whole lot easier with the dawn of the Internet

Stand up upon the right side, and I shall expound the similitude unto thee.

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.

Stairway to Hell or Yellow Brick Road? Why don't you give your Magic 8 Ball a shake and see if it's ready to play again.

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer and farther away. If you went with it, it was quite pleasant, as long as you didn't introduce any lateral movement like turning your head or the car. This caused the universe to try and slide away from underneath you. The other side effect was the constant feeling you ought to try to twist your head off, in a good way.

Step up to red alert." Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb." - Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf

State your point. If the opposite party doesn't agree, state it harder- with a punch.

Steven Fry on The Da Vinci Code- "It is complete loose stoolwater. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.

Steerpike of the Many Problems,” said the Doctor. “What did you say they were? My memory is so very untrustworthy. It’s as fickle as a fox. Ask me to name the third lateral bloodvessel from the extremity of my index finger that runs east to west when I lie on my face at sundown, or the percentage of chalk to be found in the knuckles of an average spinster in her fifty-seventh year, ha, ha, ha! – or even ask me, my dear boy, to give details of the pulse rate of frogs two minutes before they die of scabies – these things are no tax upon my memory, ha, ha, ha! But ask me to remember exactly what you said you problems were, a minute ago, and you will find that my memory has forsaken me utterly. Now why is that, my dear Master Steerpike, why is that?” “Because I never mentioned them,” said Steerpike. “That accounts for it,” said Prunesquallor. “That, no doubt, accounts for it.

St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.

Stone me, what a life!

St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door’s ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton. “What are you doing son?” he asked. “Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

Stolen oranges also have Vitamin C. Likewise, a stolen salmon, too, has omega-3 fatty acids.

Stop playing hard to get" "I'm hard to get. I'm not playing.

Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.

Stop moping and think of a solution. A voice in his head told him. If you want to find your mojo again, then get on with it and stop wallowing in self-pity. This voice spoke the harsh truth. He needed to man-up. Nodding, Mortimer set his face in a line of steely determination, created a pile of papers and began to draft down possible ideas. Mass suicide? Too messy. Global war? Too soon. Revenge cult? Too predictable. NO.

Stop praying to God to change your marriage or your finances because you might end up seeing that you are the one that need the change not your marriage or finances.

Stop telling God what you want to have , He is going to use what you have left to give you what you need.

Strange, isn't it,' mused Glokta as he watched him struggle for air. 'Big men, small men, thin men, fat men, clever men, stupid men, they all respond the same to a fist in the guts. One minute you think you're the most powerful man in the world. The next you can't even breathe by yourself.

Stupid werewolf ninja sperm.

Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise.

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand. He looked like a dick.