Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Once I asked Teichman what he thought of Bird's chess: "Same as his health," he replied, "always alternating between being dangerously ill and dangerously well.

One never really knows how much one has been touched by a place until one has left it.

Only six need be attempted.

Seriousness is no more a guarantee of truth, insight, authenticity or probity, than humour is a guarantee of superficiality and stupidity.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight.

Sometimes strident, often tender, never afraid and seldom without humour, Desmond Tutu's voice will always be the voice of the voiceless.

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.

Sure, there's no 'i' in team, but there is an 'm' and an 'e'.

There's no life without humour. It can make the wonderful moments of life truly glorious, and it can make tragic moments bearable.

The humour of Dostoievsky is the humour of a barloafer who ties a kettle to a dog's tail.

The ironic humor comes from the distance between what we understand about ourselves and what is truly going on in ourselves.

Through humour, we see in what seems rational, the irrational; in what seems important, the unimportant

The whole [Scotch] nation hitherto has been void of wit and humour, and even incapable of relishing it.

The worst in life, we are told, is compatible with the best in art. So too the worst in life is compatible with the best in humour.

Tod laughed. He was always able to find the humour in even the creepiest situations. I'd thought that it was an undead thing, until I became a member of the undead. Then I realized it was a Tod-thing.

Whenever you find humour, you find pathos close by its side.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

We owe to one another all the wit and good humour we can command; and nothing so clears our mental vistas as sympathetic and intelligent conversation.

We've had a day of great drama and of humour too. The rumour mill is now taking over

When you absolutely don't know what to do anymore, it is time to panic

98% of politicians are either corrupt or corruptible.

50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up

A beach bum is just a blue-collar lounge lizard without a roof over their head.

While it is entirely untrue that Canadians lack a sense of humour, the funniest ones tend to head south: Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carrey, Michael J. Fox.

£500.” He hisses furiously at me. “I can’t believe I’ve spent £500 on an entire new wardrobe and a new haircut – one that I didn’t even want my I add!” As he talks, I skip happily, a dreamy smile plastered all over my face. I’ve had, without a shadow of a doubt, the best day ever. “I can.” I answer, my voice rising several decibels, as I lose myself, currently, on cloud nine. “I’ve loved spending your money. It feels awesome!

AAAAIIIE! You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing! Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things? -Sergeant Schlock

A book can give you an experience of someone’s life in a few hours, and this is far more profitable than any sale that’s going on.

A bit of useful information. My name is Victoria “call me Vicki” DeVine. I used to be Mrs. Yorick Dane, but giving up my married name was one of the conditions of my receiving valuable property—aka The Jumble—as part of the divorce settlement. Apparently the second official Mrs. Dane didn’t like the idea that someone else had had the name first. Fortunately, she didn’t seem as possessive about Yorick’s Vigorous Appendage. I could have told her that a couple dozen other women had had it before she took possession. But it wasn’t likely that she would keep solo possession of the appendage for long, so let her figure things out the hard way like I did. Of course, if she had been one of those indulgences, then she already knew the signs and might be able to nip them in the bud.

[About Uluru] I'm suggesting nothing here, but I will say that if you were an intergalactic traveler who had broken down in our solar system, the obvious directions to rescuers would be: "Go to the third planet and fly around till you see the big red rock. You can't miss it." If ever on earth they dig up a 150,000-year-old rocket ship from the galaxy Zog, this is where it will be. I'm not saying I expect it to happen; not saying that at all. I'm just observing that if I were looking for an ancient starship this is where I would start digging.

absinthe removes the bitter taste of failure and grants me strange visions which are charming principally because they cannot be written down. Only in absinthe do I become entirely free and, when I drink it, I understand the symbolic mysteries of odour and of colour.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead.

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

A chap’s impending death has a way of focusing the mind.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

Actually, we shot it over two days and the ghost of Danny DeVito was devastatingly present the whole time.

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.

A dragon is a norn’s best friend. Norn saying.

A dwarf can go hundreds of miles with a cake like this in his pack,' Carrot went on. 'I bet he can,' said Colon gloomily. 'I bet all the time he'd be thinking, "Bloody hell, I hope I can find something else to eat soon, otherwise it's the bloody cake again.

Adventavit asinus, polcher et fortissimus

A brain the size of a pea, cannot achieve what a brain the size of a melon can!!

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the bloody penis wander. ~ Heartbreak's A Bitch!

Absurd laughter is a kind of protest against an absurd existence.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

A chap wouldn’t hole up in Occupied France just to get away from his wife, Vesta.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. "Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.