Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

I was proud to be brown in my own way. Well, I was at school; at school I was brown about the funky stuff that came with being vegetarian, like being really arrogant about it, declaring proudly to a room full of beefeaters when Mad Cow disease initially broke that it was 'Vishnu's way of telling y'all to stop eating and start worshipping'.

I was playing Rasputin and what was motivating him was crumpet really, and I was extremely keen on crumpet so I was really rather good as Rasputin. And my next catastrophic failure was Macbeth, who I played in the style of a crumpet-lover, and then when Doctor Who came along, I embraced this lunacy, this cloud-cuckoo-land where people had to be convinced by absolute nonsense. I came from a very religious background, so it was easy for me to believe in something I knew nothing about.

I was practically The Boy in the Bubble; all my autoimmune responses stripped bare by chemical representations of pine forests and summer meadows.

I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.

I was trying to do you a favor, you silly woman. A few more hours in the fire, and your baby boy would have been immortal! He would’ve grown into a fine young god and brought you eternal honor. Now you’ve ruined the magic. He will simply be human—a great hero, yes, strong and tall, but doomed to a mortal life. He will only be Demophoon, when he could have been Fully Phoon! Phoon the Great!

I was tempted to tell her it was because we were British and actually had a sense of humour, but I try not to be cruel to foreigners, especially when they're that strung out.

I was trying to seduce him just by being physically near him. Like, seduction by osmosis. It works in movies constantly.

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

I was wary of my sister's cooking, which invariably consisted of a tubular pasta and economy cheese, charred black on the surface, with either tinned tuna or lardy mince lurking beneath the molten crust ... So that evening, in a tiny flat in Tooting, I was pushed into the tiny kitchen where sixteen people sat crammed around a tiny trestle table designed for pasting wallpaper, one of my sister's notorious pasta bakes smouldering in its centre like a meteorite, smelling of toasted cat food.

I went into a forest into a plain, and the trees took counsel- And said, Come, let us go and make war against the sea that it may depart away before us, and that we may make us more woods. The floods of the sea also in like manner took counsel, and said, Come, let us go up and subdue the woods of the plain, that there also we may make us another country. The thought of the wood was in vain, for the fire came and consumed it. The thought of the floods of the sea came likewise to nought, for the sand stood up and stopped them. If thou wart judge now betwixt these two, whom would thou begin to justify? or whom would thou condemn?

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I will go further and say all cats are wicked, though often useful. Who has not seen Satan in their sly faces? Some preachers will say, well, that is superstitious "claptrap." My answer is this: Preacher, go to your Bible and read Luke 8: 26-33

I will liken my judgment unto a ring: like as there is no slackness of the last, even so there is no swiftness of the first.

I Will Not Tease Rebecca Grimes I have to write one hundred times: "I will not tease Rebecca Grimes." Okay, that's one. I'm far from done. (This isn't gonna be much fun.) "I will not tease Rebecca Grimes." That's two. I'm paying for my crimes. It's all because I pulled her hair And put spaghetti on her chair. Because I gave her goofy looks And squirted mustard on her books, I have to write one hundred times: "I will not tease Rebecca Grimes." That's three. Whoopee. It's going slow. Just ninety-seven more to go. "I will not tease" (I'm keeping score.) "Rebecca Grimes." (Now that makes four.) I'm soaked with sweat. My shirt is damp. I think I'm getting writer's cramp. "I will not, will not, will not tease Rebecca Grimes!" Can I stop, please? The teacher frowns, and that means no. I still have sixty-six to go. "I will-will-will not-not-not-not Tease-tease-tease-tease..." It's getting hot. "I will not tease Rebecca Grimes." That's ninety-nine. The school bell chimes. Just one more line and I'll be through. Rebecca Grimes, this one's for you! My final line will rhyme with "Grimes": "I will not tease Rebecca...Slimes!" Rebecca Slimes! Ha ha! That's great! I'd better hide it. Oops! Too late! The teacher sees what I wrote down. She takes my paper with a frown. I now must write one thousand times: "I will not tease Rebecca Grimes.

I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

I wish you all the best in life. Hell, I will even write your obituary for free.

I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

I woke up when my pillow was yanked out from under my head and Chloe mumbled something incoherent about spinach and hot dogs. The woman was a sleep-talking, restless bed hog.

I wondered: if I was so hell-bent on chaos, why would I adopt a military rank? Perhaps there was a part of me that needed rules, needed regulations and order.

Listen to me very carefully, and think hard about what happens if you go over my head to do something for me that you think is right. What is my normal reaction?” Gabe slumps slightly. “Not favourable?

Long before the season ended - if not before it start! - Damerel would be heaven knows where, strewing rose-leaves about for some abandoned male to tread on! Well, one thing at least I'm determined on! if he *must* indulge in such wasteful habits he shall strew his rose-leaves for me to tread upon, not one of his ridiculous Paphians!

Links, sagte Humboldt. Wieso links, fragte Bonpland. Also rechts, sagte Humboldt. Aber warum rechts? Zum Teufel, rief Humboldt, jetzt werde es ihm zu blöd.

Listen, I didn’t ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents’ DNA, I’ve got them, and I’m not ashamed to use ’em.

Living out in the wilds of Manitoba, I write a lot as a substitute for human interaction. I'm quite shy and retiring. Think of me as some gentle, wide-eyed woodland creature, more afraid of you, than you are of it... like a grizzly bear.

Loneliness tortures many if not most of the elderly more intensely and more frequently than it torments many if not most of us who will never be or have not yet been pushed or pulled into old age.

Long before something happens in our life, it happened in our heart.

Long pants,’ she said rather too fiercely to Andy when he came out of his room wearing shorts. ‘Long pants.’ She herded him back towards his door. ‘These people are from head office. These people are from Melbourne.’ And she emphasised Melbourne as if that should have been all he needed to know. ‘Melbourne people vomit if they see knees,’ I told him, and he said, ‘Why is that kind of information never part of the briefing?

Look at you quivering like a bag of fresh tofu!

Look at yourself for a change! You’ll be counting the grains of rice I buy next! Talk about tight – Scrooge has nothing on you!

Look at me, Hannah! I want you to watch everything I do to you and then you'll always remember.

Looking at a king's mouth, ' said an old man, 'one would think he never sucked at his mother's breast.

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.

Look!" Hawkeye said. Duke looked where Hawkeye was pointing. In one corner, kneeling on the dirt floor with his elbows on his cot, a Bible in front of him, his lips moving slowly, and oblivious to all about him, was Major Jonathan Hobson. "Jesus," Hawkeye said. "It don't look like Him," Duke said.

Looking for my final love with someone who is ready to settle down. Of course dating is great initially, but I don’t wish to be dating indefinitely, so if you’re looking for an indefinite dating partner, please pass me by.

Look,’ said Cyrus, raising his knife again and pointing it at her. ‘Give me one reason why we shouldn’t kill your boyfriend over there. Come on. The dark scowling face is reason enough in my book.’ She could have sworn she heard the sound of Lucas’s eyes narrowing to slits. ‘Come on, just one reason,’ Cyrus repeated, ‘and it better not include the words love, eternal or soul.

Look ye, carpenter, I dare say thou callest thyself a right good workmanlike workman, eh!

Look pal, I'm a superhero, not a liability.

Lord, my hands were made for blessing, but not my feet!

Lord Teddie?" she said. "Will you stay for tea?" "Rather!" said the carpet.

Louis-Cesare and Ray were in trouble. I could tell because I could see them, not clearly, but in fits and starts, little glimmers like a couple of ghosts, if ghosts made "oh shit" faces on the one hand agitated French gestures on the other. And that sort of shit wasn't going to go unnoticed for long. Aaaaand it didn't.

Losing your parent at a tender age is like losing everything thing. The love, care, support and what have you. It only takes determination, strong will and the love, care and support from others to make a difference in the lives of these ones as they grow to face their future. You and I can impact in their lives...Just a little love, a little care, a little support can make a huge difference in a child's life. Support an orphan today!

Lost race?” The Prince studied Orayna, trying to see something inhuman in her. “Why have I never heard of these ‘Rathiuel’?” “Because,” Azaroth rapped his knuckles on the Prince’s skull, “you do not care to read.

Lot of damn mixin' things up and saying, hey, what'll happen if we add a drop of the yellow stuff, and then goin' around without yer eyebrows for a fortnight.

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Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Love is like chickenpox. It's much worse when it comes late.

Love isn’t blind… It just involves a lot of looking the other way

Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.

Luke diagnosed himself to be in love, and sought no cure for the disease.