Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud

You know what would be awesome? . . . If I could have a machete.

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

You like the gentleman, then?" said Muna. "I don't dislike him," said Henrietta unpromisingly. [...] "I don't dislike cabbage," Muna found herself saying, "but I should not consider marrying it. Not disliking seems a poor foundation for future happiness.

You'll be alright," I say, "Mum likes you.

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

You look like a hot tamale.” “That’s not really a compliment.

You look extremely young," said Miss Nightingale.... "Age isn't really a matter of years, I find," returned Phemie. "I know people twice my age who will never be as old as I am now.

You’ll slip up, just like everyone else who tries to mess with the British Empire. They all get it wrong somehow – forget some detail, make some tiny error, invade Russia – and then it’s all downhill from there.

You make the Titanic look like a tiny little misadventure.

You might at least acknowledge that I put my self in harm's way on your behalf, Evie' the deeper voice of Viscount Dare came from her other side. Georgina stiffened. ' No you didn't. Go away now.' 'No, I didn't,' he repeated amiably, and nodded. ' Goodbye.' 'Wait!' Evelyn caught his arm. ' What do you mean, on my behalf?' 'I...ah...' He glanced over her head at his wife. 'I don't mean anything. I have a mental disability.

You—“ Mr Bellstrode began, and then leaning forward and sinking his voice, “You would kill for money?” “Is there any other reason to? Well, I suppose there is revenge, but that, you know, never makes one feel as well as it should when it is all said and done. Money is a much better reward than retribution. Something substantial by way of compensation for emotional wrongs is much the best cure for an injured spirit. I do provide fatal retaliation for nothing when it is deserved, but as you are neither a poor helpless wretch nor the victim of national injustice, full payment is expected.

You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it's worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style and panache.

You need not treat me like a child, sir. I am perfectly capable of navigating this staircase on my own." He snorted. Her nostrils flared. "I promise not to ask you to catch me again, all right? Now stop scowling." Of course he did no such thing.

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

Younger wizards in particular went about saying that is was time magic started to update its image and that they should all stop mucking about with bits of wax and bone and put the whole thing on a properly-organised basis, with research programmes and three-day conventions in good hotels where they could read papers with titles like 'Whither Geomancy?' and 'The role of Seven League Boots in a caring society

You okay there?” Justice’s soothing voice came from my right, and I really wanted to turn and look at her, but my arms up on either side of my head prevented me from moving too much. Gretley let out a snort of laughter. “I’m doing just brilliant. Hanging from my freaking arms. Body about to rip in two. Black misty clouds attacking me. Just brilliant.” I couldn’t help the strangled chuckle that escaped. “That’s the spirit.

You only get one life. Too bad you already made a mess of it.

Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel

Your body wages biological warfare on me.

Your daughter is adorable. I've never seen such an alien duck in my entire life.

You're asking the cyborg fugitive and the wild animal to be the welcoming committee? That's adorable.

You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?” “How does McDonald’s sound?” “Inadequate.

You’re a talking cat?” Endora asked with a look of disbelief on her face. “My, my, my, aren’t you the bright bulb of the bunch,” he replied with a bit of snarky smugness. “Tell me then, bright-bulb, do you suppose that I need your permission to talk just because I’m a cat?” He raised his paw to his face, admiring his newly gnawed manicure. After he observed the last nail, he slapped his paw down on the floorboards, making a low thud sound. “Because I don’t,” he smirked. Endora was taken by surprise at his rudeness. She stared back at him, speechless and not quite sure how to respond. “Are you a magic cat?” Mila busted in with a question that seemed as silly to her as to the cat. He glared and narrowed his eyes at her. “A magic cat,” he said, standing up to arch his furry back. “Is my talking some sort of magic to you? If it is… then I am.” He stretched his back higher and let out a long purr that turned into, “Purrhaps, you four little witchy girls should clearly refine your meaning of magic so you know what it means before you say the word magic.” “I rather am quite fond of talking cats,” Selena said with a big smile. “Of course, you’re the first one I’ve ever seen.” The cat narrowed its eyes tighter. “Indeed,” he said, letting out a yawn as if the whole conversation were a bore. He leapt off the porch and dash away, mumbling and grumbling his way down the corridor. Selena looked over at Endora. “Rude little snot, isn’t he?” she said.

You're cute when you babble," he says to my total horror and disgust, because unlike the popular noughties rock band, cute is never what I aim for.

You're alright, I guess; for, you're just being you, like any other cuckoo.

You're a marshmallow, Carmelita.

You're a rotten driver," I protested. "Either you ought to be more careful, or you oughtn't drive at all." "I am careful." "No you're not." "Well, other people are," she said lightly. "What's that got to do with it?" "They'll keep out of my way," she insisted. "It takes two to make an accident.

You're bloody insane, Karede," Mat said. "Unfortunately, so am I.

You’re looking at me, chair,’ he said. ‘You don’t want me to sit on you, eh, because I fell in mud, isn’t that correct?’ The chair said nothing.

You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

You're Ma's own blood son, but did she take on that time Tony Fontaine shot you in the leg? No, she just sent for old Doc Fontaine to dress it and asked the doctor what ailed Tony's aim. Said she guessed the licker was spoiling his marksmanship.

You're just a weaponist, Jack." Jack stifled a snicker. "A weaponist?" "Like a racist but against certain weapons." "And you never met a weapon you didn't like." "A couple actually, but that was more personality differences." "Hah! No. You're just a weapon slut. There's a difference. I'm a weapon monogamist." He considered that, then added, "Well, maybe a very limited polygamist." "You haven't returned my Desert Eagle," Blade noted dryly. "It's lonely out here and I'm a man with needs.

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being." "It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.

You’re not fat unless you’re bigger outwards than upwards. Anyway, better fat than tall.

You’re so damn big,” she whispered. “Why, thank you cariño,” he said.

You're sure?' I asked. 'I mean, the Lord of the Sword is great. But you could also be, I don't know, the Slammer of the Hammer'.

You're very lovely, gatita." Her brows pulled together, and she gave him a skeptical stare. "Do not look at your master as if he's an idiot.

You're the guy who saves up his pennies to take me to a movie," she said, shaking her head as the truth of it came home to her. "I buy the popcorn. Large, of course, because I'm rich.

You ride as a man, fight as a man, and you think as a man-" "I think as a human being," she retorted hotly. "Men don't think any differently from women- they just make more noise about being able to.

‎"Your heart is in your chest. It supplies the blood to your cells. Even if you don't think about it, your heart is always pumping. The heart is the most important organ in the body. Without it, you will die. "'What grade are you teaching these days?' Joel asked. ' Because either this is really sad...or really profound.

Your greatest enemy is he that say's nothing when they know you can help, but go on to do without. Just as he that can help, but does nothing in time of dire need.

Your memory has always been given to opportunistic revision.

Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).

Your mouth can correct what is wrong. Your eyes can see evil and your mouth can speak righteousness. Your body can say I am sick while your mouth can say I am healed. Your eyes can say I am blind but your mouth can say I can see, Your pocket can say I am empty while your mouth can say I am swimming in abundance. Your Doctor can say that you are HIV Postive and Cancer but your mouth can say my body is a holy temple of God and by His stripes I am healed. Your womb can say that you are barren while your mouth can say "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." Don´t live by sight, live by faith. Put it in practice.

Your mother was a hero. She developed a spell for gnomeatic fever. And she was the youngest headmaster in Watford history.” Baz is looking at Penny like they’ve never met. “And,” Penny goes on, “she defended your father in three duels before he accepted her proposal.” “That sounds barbaric,” I say. “It was traditional,” Baz says. “It was brilliant,” Penny says. “I’ve read the minutes.” “Where?” Baz asks her. “We have them in our library at home,” she says “My dad loves marriage rites. Any sort of family magic, actually. He and my mother are bound together in five dimensions.

Your pussy is a fruit that I wanna juice Your pussy is a fruit that I wanna juice, yeah Put the molly in the booty, girl, we turning up tonight Cos that pussy is a smoothie it know how to do me right.

Your teacher did not want to be a teacher. He wanted to be a meter reader at the electric utility. Meter readers do not have to put up with children, work comparatively little, and what is more important, have greater opportunity for corruption and are hence both better off and held in higher regard by society.

Your wolf is eating that man. I thought you should know.

You see, I have trouble with authority. Whenever someone tells me to do something, I get the sudden and very strong urge to do the exact opposite. Sometimes I can control it. But mostly I just lose.