Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

For like as the ground is given unto the wood, and the sea to his floods: even so they that dwell upon the earth may understand nothing but that which is upon the earth: and he that dwell above the heavens may only understand the things that are above the height of the heavens.

For me to forgive my ex, he would have to sign a marriage contract with his tears and seal it with his blood.

For my part, I am determined never to speak of it again to anybody. I told my sister Phillips so the other day.

For some reason when I type the word "love" in my iPad it keeps autocorrecting to "live". I find it oddly profound. My ipad IS. My iPad is ZEN: “Only the iPad that autocorrects can write the true thing.

For some reason she found that Allan Harrington's attitude of absolute detachment made the whole affair seem much easier for her. And when Mrs. Harrington slipped a solitaire diamond into her hand as she went, instead of disliking it she enjoyed its feel on her finger, and the flash of it in the light. She thanked Mrs. Harrington for it with real gratitude. But it made her feel more than ever engaged to marry her mother-in-law.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he’s happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections.

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).

For the next century, no elf is to be banished to the human world. No more Star Wars, no more Harry Potter, no more Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and no more body-doubling for Tom Cruise. Elves shouldn't be treated like shit. We're not Mexicans.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.

For those of you who are begging God for a breakthrough, this is not the way of getting something from your heavenly father, you don't have to beg him for what He already bought for you, you don't have to beg Him for what He died to give you. You don't have to convince people, you don't have to convince anybody if God likes to do a work in your life, it is done.

For whatever reason, none of the women in this house cooked. He’d had to learn in order to survive.

Freddy Mercury's reflections about supersonic women are making me glad that I've never met one: they sound like a bit of a handful - not very easy-going.

Fred said, “Man, I think he’s gonna make a fuckin’ suit of human skin, using the best parts from each of us.” “Holy crap,” said John. “He’ll be gorgeous.

Foxbrush sneezed again. He couldn't help himself. It's not something a fellow likes to do when a stunningly beautiful woman is leaning toward him with an expression on her face like Nidawi's wore. But sneezes are not prey to the wants or wishes of those inflicted with them. He sneezed so violently that he nearly knocked his forehead against Nidawi's exquisite little chin. She leapt back lightly, frowning at first, then shaking the frown into a rain of laughter.

Freedom comes from focus, focus brings freedom. Focus on fear you will always be in prison, focus on faith and is nothing the world can keep you knocked down.

Frankly speaking, I'm not afraid of death. I don't endeavour to avert its advent. But I don't want to be a witness of it.

Free citizens of the United Kingdom can apparently vote for clowns, but not vote (dressed) as them.

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

Frightfully pale and perpetually odd

From the beginning, look, what thou desires to see, it shall be shew thee.

From this, Udinaas surmised, various lessons could be drawn, should one be inclined to draw lessons from multiple acts of stupidity.

Fuck me,' I said to Toby. 'We're living in Isengard.

From time to time I show up in myself just long enough for people to know they are not in the room alone.

Fs Are "Fabulous" Hey, Mom and Dad! I got my grades! And you'll be thrilled to hear the marks on our report cards are changed around this year. A bunch of kids were telling me this morning on the bus, that they had heard some teachers say that Fs are "fabulous." And Ds are proudly given out for work that's "dynamite." They're used to honor kids like me, whose brains are really bright. So C of course is super "cool"- I've got a few of those. I wish they could be Ds and Fs, but that's the way it goes. I'm pleased to see my teacher didn't give an A or B. I've worked too hard for one of those. Gosh, aren't you proud of me? I see you don't believe me. You think that I am lying? At least you will agree that I should get an A for trying!

Fuck,' I said after a while, because like a little black dress it's the old standby.

Funny, isn’t it? No matter what language they speak, everyone sounds the same when you pull out their fingernails.” – Dread Emperor Foul III, “the Linguist

Gabe says you make a mean chicken." Finn, who is sitting by the fireplace making smoke, comments for the first time. "Well, she certainly doesn't make a nice one.

Funny is always a good way to start when in doubt

Gabriel shuffled around the trunk again, searching for faux arrows—arrows designed to injure but not kill. “All these arrows are sharp—and have blood on them.” “Yes, well, I left my cotton candy arrows at home next to my teddy bear.” Gabriel turned to Tristan. “We’re not going to kill that guy.” “We might.” “Tristan, that’s homicide.” “It’s self defense.” “It’s not self defense. He didn’t come after you.” “But he came after Scarlet. And, technically, Scarlet is a piece of me. So, yeah. It’s self-defense. Are you coming with me or not?” “I don’t want to kill him. I just want to hurt him. Or detain him.” “Or maybe you could just give him a big hug.”Tristan started marching into the woods. “You can stay there and clean weapons or whatever, but I’m going after our intruder.

Gabe, you’re sick, and much as you’re a shithead sometimes, I’ve trained you to be a fairly acceptable shithead to me. If you died I’d have to go to all the effort of training someone else.” “If I died maybe you should consider a change of career into the nursing profession. With your lovely bedside manner you’d be a shoo-in.

Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.

Gay men are French women...with penises.

Gemma Davidson,” she answered, her voice as groggy as I felt. “Where are you?” I asked. “Who is this?” “Elvis.” “What time is it?” “Hammer time?” “Charley.” “Did you text me? Did your car break down?” “No and no. Why are you doing this to me?” She was funny. “Check your cell.” I heard a loud, sleepy sigh, some rustling of sheets, then, “It won’t come on.” “Not at all?” “No. What did you do to it?” “I ate it for breakfast. Check the battery compartment.” “Where the hell is that?” “Um, behind the battery door.” “Are you punking me?” I heard her fumbling with the phone. “Gem, if I was going to punk you, I wouldn't simply turn off your phone. I would pour honey in your hair while you slept. Or, you know, something like that.” “That was you?” she asked, appalled.

Geoffrey looked startled to see both his great-uncles bearing down upon him with such haste; he hadn’t realized men their age could move so fast.

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?” “Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be.

Georges told me he would be back, and I have no reason to disbelieve him—but perhaps you’d like to sit down here and write him a letter? Tell him you can’t manage the thing without him, which is true. Tell him Robespierre says he can’t get along without him. And when you’re done, you might go and find Robespierre and ask him to call. He is such a steadying influence when Camille is killing himself.

Get down,' Bunty says grimly. 'Mummy's thinking.' (Although what Mummy's actually doing is wondering what it would be like if her entire family was wiped out and she could start again.)

Giddy up.

Getting through life without a lot of money, possessions, and/or friends is admirable, especially if it is by choice.

Give a man a fish and a kettle, and he may never feel its HIS kettle of fish. Teach a man to fish around for his OWN kettle, and that’s when you get a tasty home-made fish soup that everyone can enjoy!

Give a man a proverb and he’ll muse for a moment. Teach a man to find the verb in every proverb and he’ll walk in wisdom for a lifetime.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish with the right line, the right bait, at the right time of day, at the right sort of spot, and if he has the right recreational or commercial licence he may, with practise and experience, actually be able to feed himself and his family for a lifetime. And that is something worth fishing for!

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime… UNLESS he's a vegan! In the desert! Without any bait!

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a WOMAN a fish and she'll feed the whole family for a week!

Given the circumstances, I think the rabbi did a very good job. What did you think?” “It's my policy not to review funerals.

Girls don't want boys, girls want high-speed internet and dragons.

Giving up drinking for life is easy. I've done it loads of times.

Glawen alighted, removed his luggage from the bin while Maxen sat drumming his fingers on the wheel. Glawen paid the standard fee, which Maxen accepted with raised eyebrows. “And the gratuity?” Glawen slowly turned to stare into the driver’s compartment. “Did you help me load my luggage?” “No, but -” “Did you help me unload it?” “By the same token -” “Did you not tell me that I was inbred and eccentric, and probably weak-minded?” “That was a joke.” “Now can you guess the location of your gratuity?” “Yes. Nowhere.” “Quite right.” “Hoity-toity!” murmured Maxen, and drove quickly away, elbows stylishly high.