Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can’t

People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.

People who wear G-strings suffer from indecision.

People with jutting jaws are more likely to have open throats and hence be less susceptible to snoring and sleep apnoea. Chris Worsnop points out that superheroes such as Superman and Batman are often drawn with strong jutting jaws, a feature which, since the time we lived in caves, has been seen as attractive to women. The reason women may be attracted to jutting jaws may have nothing to do with jutting biceps or jutting anything else; it simply makes it less likely they will have to put up with snoring.

Perhaps a sense of death is like a sense of humour. We all think the one we've got - or haven't got - is just about right, and appropriate to the proper understanding of life. It's everyone else who's out of step.

Perhaps we are yet to feel the full impact of the Y2K bug but so far it's been quiet.

Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? 'Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons  attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? 'Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

Pete couldn't believe how sanctimonious somebody could be just because they'd once had a soldering iron stuck up their arse.

Physically and spiritually, the humour penetrates and executes the healing light and tonic, for the heart and mind.

PE! This word was comprised of two single letters, which would normally not cause anyone any trouble. They were two single letters that were usually associated with the further words of “health” and “extended life” and therefore, had a positive reputation. However, for me, the P and the E put together was the worst possible combination. Every time they were mentioned, I would sigh in displeasure, my heart rate would increase and I would feel lightheaded. After all, in my mind, PE = exercise and exercise = torture!

Philip, outrageously sensitive -- pg 123

Phileas Fogg, having shut the door of his house at half-past eleven, and having put his right foot before his left five hundred and seventy-five times, and his left foot before his right five hundred and seventy-six times, reached the Reform Club

Phoebe had recounted some injustice done to her by a playmate, saying she wouldn’t accept the girl’s apology, Evie had persuaded her to reconsider for the sake of kindness. “But she’s a bad, selfish girl,” Phoebe had said indignantly. Her mother’s reply was gentle but matter-of-fact. “Kindness counts the most when it’s given to people who don’t deserve it.” “Does Gabriel have to be kind to everyone too?” Phoebe had demanded. “Yes, darling.” “Does Father?” “No, Redbird,” Sebastian had replied, his mouth twitching at the corners. “That’s why I married your mother—she’s kind enough for two people.” “Mother,” Gabriel had asked hopefully, “could you be kind enough for three people?” At that, their father had taken a sudden intense interest in his newspaper, lifting it in front of his face. A quiet wheeze emerged from behind it. “I’m afraid not, dear,” Evie had said gently, her eyes sparkling. “But I’m sure you and your sister can find a great deal of kindness in your own hearts.

Pienso en él sin camisa. A la luz de la lámpara. A la luz de las velas del árbol de Navidad. A la luz del gato ardiendo. Abandono el pensamiento. Vuelve a mí. Hay pensamientos que están impregnados de cola de pegar

Please, comrade! I just want to chop him up for the stew!' 'And that's another thing! I'm tired of stew! I want to put him in a crust and bake a light fluffy quiche!' 'QUICHE?! What kind of food is THAT for a monster to eat?!

Please sell $10,000 worth of stock — we have decided to lead a mad and extravagant life.

Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me

Please let's change subject, as despite the alliteration, I don't think Politics and Puddings go together.

Please don't talk into the middle of other people's crotch!

Please don't arrest me." "Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop." "Are you sure?" "Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure." "You could be undercover.

Please Note: Although it is true that some have been captured; we would like to assure you that no thoughts, or images, have been harmed during the making of this book.

Political life is best treated with antibiotics.

Polysyllables obfuscate a preponderant ignorance with so much more style and panache.

Ponder now by thyself, how great fruit of wickedness the grain of evil seed had brought forth. And when the ears shall be cut down, which are without number, how great a floor shall they fill?

Porque mostrei enfado com as diligências necessárias para despachar a bagagem, considerou que sofria de horror aos preparativos das viagens, rotulando-me de efodiofóbico.

Pourtant, en dépit de la cohérence historique, Mirella se sentit rougissante et gênée.

Poverty I am too beautiful to be like you. Sickness from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet, I belong to God.

Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

pretty girls behave better when you ignore them.

Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody,” the dog offered earnestly. “It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand.

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

Prose fills a space, like a liquid poured in from the top, but poetry occupies it, arrays itself in formation, sets up camp and refuses to budge.

Probably one of those sinister organisations that lurked behind the mask of amusing acronym, such as BUM, for example - the Bermondsey Union of Minstrels. Or WILLY, the Whitechapel Institution for Long-Legged Yodellers. It could be any one of a hundred such evil cabals. With the notable exception of the Meritorious Union For Friendship, Decency, Individualism, Virtue and Educational Resources, who were above reproach.

Puck : "I found that oddly therapeutic, how about you?" Ash: "idiot..

Psipsina emerged from inside the tunic, and jumped up on the table in order to curl up inside the cap, which had been her favourite resting place ever since she discovered the joys of contortionism; she filled it and overflowed from it in such a tangle and jumble of whiskers, ears, tail and paws that it was impossible to tell which part of her was which, and she slept in it because it reminded her of gifts of salami and chicken skins.

Public schoolboys are not merely conservatives, they are by nature totalitarian reactionaries.

Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?” “Yes. Why?” “You just ordered me to light the candle for you,” Irys said in exasperation. “And I did it.

Putain mais quelle fichue imagination je peux avoir ...

Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS.

Pyjamas are endless...

Put me down, I’m too heavy.” “You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

Put your vocabulary on the top shelf of your toolbox, and don't make any conscious effort to improve it... One of the really bad things you can do to your writing is to dress up the vocabulary, looking for long words because you're maybe a little bit ashamed of your shot ones. This is like dressing up a household pet in evening clothes. The pet is embarrassed and the person who committed this act of pre-meditated cuteness should be even more embarrassed. Make yourself a solemn promise right now that you'll never use 'emolument' when you mean 'tip' and you'll never say 'John stopped long enough to perform an act of excretion' when you mean 'John stopped long enough to take a shit'. If you believe 'take a shit' would be considered offensive or inappropriate by your audience, feel free to say 'John stopped long enough to move his bowels'...

Put a hat on the soldier. The soldiers don't need to have an egg for breakfast, unless you want to buy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the next eighteen years. Let's have fun, but keep it safe.

Queen Bee hates me. I know, as I reach the door, that nothing good waits for me on the other side. When you're called to see the Commanding Officer, you're either getting a medal or a kick in the arse. And I'm not getting any medals.

Question everything, unless it's the answer

Quindi passeremo direttamente al massacro." - "Che modo abile di esprimersi, Narasan.