Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Conflict is much the same, injustice and inequality is nothing new to our generation only the contest has changed because not only that everyone has opinion but they also have an opportunity to voice it and that is a bit dangerous.

Congratulations. You've just been demoted from the "pity" sector to the "apathy" sector. To check the validity of this offer you can ask if anyone cares. To cancel your subscription, go get a life. Thank you.

Conscious of the way spinach has a habit of flaunting itself between front teeth, she packed tooth picks in her new clutch bag.

Consider with thyself; as the rain is more than the drops, and as the fire is greater than the smoke; but the drops and the smoke remain behind: so the quantity which is past did more exceed.

Correct the blunders on your face made through self-delusion – this would be far more fitting than to want to teach me, which is just as if a sow trying to teach Minerva.

Corvid looked up at her. "Oh, hello Doris." "Gertie, dear," she said. "They call me Gertie." "You used to be Doris," Corvid said as a matter of fact. "Who?" She seemed unsure of what she was being told. "Doris, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys?" Corvid carried on when he saw her blank expression. "You must remember Nereus? Your husband?" Nothing. "You gave birth to fifty sea nymphs. I guess sea nymphs come out slippy and hydrodynamic, but even so, fifty of them? That must stick in the memory as the day before you felt really sore for a month or so?" Doris thought about it for a moment. "It does ring a bell. Sorry, who are you?

Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see who steps into the darkest shadow?

Could I speak to you for a moment, madam?' said Nannie to Agnes. It was at moments of crisis like this that Mary chiefly envied her Aunt Agnes's imperturbable disposition. Most mothers feel a hideous sinking at the heart when these fatal words are pronounced, but Agnes only showed a kindly and inactive interest. In anyone else Mary might have suspected unusual powers of bluff, hiding trembling knees, a feeling of helpless nausea, flashes of light behind the eyes, storm in the brain, and a general desire to say 'Take double your present wages, but don't tell me what it is you want to speak to me about.' But Agnes, placidly confident in the perfection of her own family and the unassailable security of her own existence, was only capable of feeling a mild curiosity and barely capable of showing it.

Costin's contagious, dimpled smile was positively breath taking on his handsome face. She took in his appearance quickly and liked how he hadn't changed who he was for her party. He didn't try to look fancy or be something he wasn't. His un-tucked dress shirt and jeans fit him perfectly and a little voice inside her whispered that he was freaking hot. She called that voice her inner Jen. Jacque and Jen did not know about her inner Jen. It was her little secret when she needed a boost of confidence.

Could thou not make those that have been made, and be now, and that are for to come, at once; that thou might shew thy judgement the sooner?

Cosmos drew himself to his full height. His cavernous chest swelled and his wings and various other appendages spread open, encompassing all the land and the rain-filled skies. “Henceforth,” he boomed, “you shall call me your Omniarch, or Creator, or Lord. Maybe God. Lord Omniarch sounds best. But don’t call me Jehovah or I’ll drop a mountain on your head. I’m not joking.” “Fair enough,” said Terry, quickly adding, “Lord Omniarch,” when Cosmos growled. “And you shall spread word of my names – except Jehovah – to everyone! And to the dust shall you shout my names; yea, to the trees, also. And the mountains shall ring with the echo of my names, and the beasts of the ground and of the air and rivers and seas shall hear of me, and, though they will not comprehend, they will yet grovel under my might.” “Why,” said Terry, “if you don’t want me to say it, do you keep mentioning the name Jeh–

Costin regained his serious tone but his eyes softened. "I won't force you into anything Sally. I know this is all different to you. I've known all my life that I had one perfect mate out there for me. And when I look at you, I'm in awe of what I've been given." Sally blushed as he paused. "I won't leave you unprotected, and allowing other males around you is something that neither I, nor my wolf, will be able to handle. Besides," he said, his eyes twinkling with mischief, "how could you not want to be around all this?" Sally let out a snort. "You've been around Jen way too much." "I don't know, she's quite educational." "Yeah, I don’t think I really want you to be educated by her.

Could it be that while you are waiting for God to come down and help you, God is also waiting for you to get up? Maybe your breakthrough never happen when your situation changes but when you make a determination within yourself without excuses or blaming anybody and not waiting for anyone and stop praying that your situation change but let God change you. Let your prayer be God change me, God work in me, spring out the rivers of living water within me and I bet you, this is where the breakthrough begins. ☺just a thought and something to ponder on....

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!

Crunches are an exercise where you lie on your back and angrily try to head-butt your crotch.

Crying was something it had only seen humans do in dramas, and in dramas they did it much more prettily, at dramatic moments, with swelling music in the background. Instead, the girl was getting mucus on her sleeve, and Hemiola didn’t understand the context, and it doubted she would appreciate it providing swelling music on her behalf.

Cultural' sort of solved problems by explaining that they weren't really there.

Crying isn't so bad. I mean, I have a sister..." He paused, and she had the distinct impression he was debating whether or not he should elaborate. On what, Ellie wasn't sure. "And I cry all the time," he said, his voice slightly higher pitched than it usually was. "You do?" Ellie ventured, her voice sounding muted from crying. "Well, it's been a while...and by 'a while', I mean about two days,

CUSTOMER (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles realy were crap, weren’t they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan.... If it was Five Go Down To a Crack House it might be a bit more exciting.

CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook. BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were. "We are bipedal," Erebus said. "We wish to be distinguished from the animals." "What are animals?" an elemental asked. "We're not sure yet, but they will have more than two legs. Unless we give them less than two... or maybe not. Anyway, it's just a concept we're playing with at the moment.

Customer: This book has a couple of tears to some of the pages. Me: Yes, unfortunately some of the older books haven’t had as much love as they should have done from previous owners. Customer: So, will you lower the price? It says here it’s £20. Me: I’m sorry but we take into account the condition of the books when we price them; if that book was in a better condition, it would be worth a lot more than £20. Customer: Well, you can’t have taken this tear here into account *points to page* or this one here *points to another page* because my son did those two minutes ago. Me: So, the book is now more damaged than it was before, because of your son? Customer: Yes. Exactly. So will you lower the price?

CUSTOMER (to her friend): What's this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?

Dad climbs down from the table and sits on his cart. “Olmo, men don’t have periods.” “Eh? The brown spots I have in my underpants … Azzy told me I should get a tampon and—” Azalea plays innocent. “I never said such a thing.

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot.

Damn straight" said Connor. " So yeah, I look at you and I could suck start a leaf blower, or drill a Kevin-shaped body hole into the wall, like a cartoon.

Dance like they're watching you, because they are watching you.

Damoder climbed slowly to his feet. 'Buy lot!' he wheedled, 'I am poor man. I sell you cheap. I am bank-Rupert! Apparently the only things that could save him from bank-rupertcy were our dollars.

Darling, whose book is this to be?" "Ostensibly yours, my sweet" "I see -- rather like my life since I met you?" "Yes darling

Dario, What you do or do not want applies to you, not me. I didn't ask your permission, and I don't seek your approval!' Khalia's voice had taken on a hard edge, and Dario was the first to look away. 'Congratulations,' Glain said 'You're both wildly independent, and now the Archivist has to be wondering why both of you would want to get close to him at the same time. Clearly, neither of you are cut out to be spies.

Darling, you know what they say. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” I give her a lopsided, bittersweet smile. “I think I’ve kissed a prince, Mom. I hope he doesn’t turn into a frog.

Dave grimaced. 'Cheesecake for breakfast?' 'What's the problem? It's dairy and cereal. It's practically a bowl of cornflakes.

Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.

Dave gazed at Melanie like Professor Brian Cox eyeing up a particularly thought-provoking mountain range.

David had left her,taking his insane jealousy with him.

Data is your Beta...

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

Dear Lord I am tired of forgiving people that offended me. Is there anyway you can fix this people's mind to do the right thing? Dear Lord I am tired of loving those that hate me, can you please replace their hateful heart with a lovng spirit. Dear Lord I am tired of hearing people complaining about the world not being peaceful, no money, so much wars and no love. Can you please open their eyes to see that there will be no peace for a wicked man. Remind them that you promised to supply all their needs and that with you all things are possible but it is possible to only those that believe just as I believe that only you can fix any hurting soul and situations.

Dear Lord please show me what really matters so that I may be able to determine what is distraction and God's direction in my life.

Dear Rocky, Here I am taking my pencil in my hand to say hello, hoping you are in the best of health, both physically and mentally. As for me, I am fine thanks to Almighty God. The weather in the valley is in the shits. It's been raining since Thanksgiving and here it is almost at the end of December and it's still raining. Instead of growing a prick, I think I'm going to grow a tail, like a tadpole. Ha, ha, ha!

Death by creaming

Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.

Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

Denis could think of no logical reason why he should not attempt to mate with Beth Cooper. There were no laws explicitly against it. They were of the same species, and had complementary sex organs, most likely, based on extensive mental modeling Denis had done.

Den Hunde, sagte Bonpland, habe er nie leiden können.

Dell had left the army and taken the discipline home with him. I’d left the theatre world and taken the whisky sodas home with me.

Demalion, we’re alive.’ Pantera’s voice was unusually clipped, as if his patience had finally run to an end. ‘If we were trying to get ourselves killed, we three would have managed it, I think. Two officers of the Fifth and a spy trained by Seneca could manage that much at least.

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

Det skal Luftwaffe ha: Da de knuste våre bygninger, erstattet de dem ikke med noe mer provoserende enn ruiner. Vi gikk enda lenger. (Om pariserhjulet London Eye, gjendiktet av Torbjørn Færøvik)