Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Faith to challenge equals recovery. When you learn to challenge your situation God speaks.

… Farrell Kafji, who complained loudly that he had landed in the middle of a seventeenth-century field. ‘And fields then are exactly like fields right now!’ he shouted. ‘I could’ve gone down to Forsyth Park if I wanted to see a field!

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

Famine sometimes increases the number of people who are overweight.

Fancourt can't write women,' said Nina dismissively. 'He tries but he can't do it. His women are all temper, tits and tampons.

Fatigue fatigue is when you're tired of being tired.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Father has a fear of flying since that aeroplane crashed into his bedroom.

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

FEE, FI-- Magnus begins. Oh wait, I already said that, he adds.

Females and boys are the only creatures that propose others for friendship. As for the rest of us, friendship sort of just happens.

Ferguson closed his eyes, paused for a long moment, and then turned to her and said: The best thing about being fifteen is that you don't have to be fifteen for more than a year.

Ferdy choked.It took a great deal of back-slapping to restore him, and when he was at last able to catch his breath again, his eyes were watering and his countenance was alarmingly flushed. 'Well, what the deuce!' exclaimed Sherry, eyeing him in surprise. 'Crumb' gasped Ferdy. 'Crumb? You weren't eating anything!' 'Must have been,' said Ferdy feebly.

Fifty grand for a paper bucket? Well it was all about context, you see.

Finalement, le plus grand bénéfice du métier d'humoriste, et plus généralement de l'attitude humoristique, dans la vie, c'est de pouvoir se comporter comme un salaud en toute impunité, et même de pouvoir grassement rentabiliser son abjection, en succès sexuels comme en numéraire, le tout avec l'approbation générale. (La possibilité d'une île, Daniel 1,1)

Finally she spoke with a forced scepticism, “So… if those girls are witches, and I was the sacrifice - what does that make you?” “A witch-hunter.” She raised a brow, “A witch-hunter named ‘Hunter’? How very original.” Hunter sighed, “You’re a very pleasant , friendly character, aren’t you?

Finally, the intercom crackles and Hatmitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, 'And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

Finally, my cluelessness comes in handy.

Fionn eased away from a sunbeam lest it bestir the glamour that hid him from human eyes—and promptly flinched as his hand came down on something burning hot. He squinted at the small round object embedded in the mould. A thumbbone’s length across, the object was—an inch, to use the Quick Folks term Silver had drilled into them—and fluted along the edge like a crown. A perfect circle. He flipped it over cautiously, with a twig. Letters showed on top: white on red. “Coke” it read, in the script Silver had also made them learn. “Top of one of their bottles,” he growled. “Amusing, if you think of it: how they leave such dangers about, not knowing.

Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.

Fine. You stay here. I shall return when I’ve found food. But when you all faint from hunger later don’t think you can just feed on me.

Fine. Let’s say you’re a traitorous, hateful coward. I’ve been celibate my entire life up until I met you, and you fuck like a porn star. Don’t you think I deserve that?

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country." Good heavens!" cried Iliel, 'are we going to England?

Fish fiddle de-dee!

Five hundred years ago the notoriously savvy Henry VIII discovered an elegant way to solve both his theological problems and his personal liquidity crisis —he dissolved the monasteries and nicked all their land.

Five minutes after something happened might not be the best time for you to get into your Facebook and tell everybody. Men's panic does not produce God's power.

Focke's razor: Never attribute to plot holes that which is adequately explained by miracles.

For a moment it seemed as if he was going to lose his temper too. His strange, pale eyes all but glared at Sophie. But he controlled himself and said, "Now trot along indoors, you overactive old thing, and find something else to play with before I get angry. I hate getting angry.

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

For a moment, Simon's sympathetic nervous system forgot he was arachnophobic. The sight of those spindly legs rising, like an ink drawing popping out of paper into three-dimensional space, should have caused a surge of adrenaline, a yelp of panic, and at least three feet of involuntary back-peddling.

For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit from that person’s success, or be that person.

Flirting with random women in a tavern? That sounds like Helios. Well, it sounds like most of the gods, actually.

Follow that coffeehouse.

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

For Beatrice - you will always be in my mind, in my heart and in your grave.

For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.

Forgive me if I'm uncomfortable around people with the authority to chop my head off.

For like as the ground is given unto the wood, and the sea to his floods: even so they that dwell upon the earth may understand nothing but that which is upon the earth: and he that dwell above the heavens may only understand the things that are above the height of the heavens.

For me to forgive my ex, he would have to sign a marriage contract with his tears and seal it with his blood.

For my part, I am determined never to speak of it again to anybody. I told my sister Phillips so the other day.

For some reason when I type the word "love" in my iPad it keeps autocorrecting to "live". I find it oddly profound. My ipad IS. My iPad is ZEN: “Only the iPad that autocorrects can write the true thing.

For some reason she found that Allan Harrington's attitude of absolute detachment made the whole affair seem much easier for her. And when Mrs. Harrington slipped a solitaire diamond into her hand as she went, instead of disliking it she enjoyed its feel on her finger, and the flash of it in the light. She thanked Mrs. Harrington for it with real gratitude. But it made her feel more than ever engaged to marry her mother-in-law.

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.

For those of you who are begging God for a breakthrough, this is not the way of getting something from your heavenly father, you don't have to beg him for what He already bought for you, you don't have to beg Him for what He died to give you. You don't have to convince people, you don't have to convince anybody if God likes to do a work in your life, it is done.

Freddy Mercury's reflections about supersonic women are making me glad that I've never met one: they sound like a bit of a handful - not very easy-going.

Fred said, “Man, I think he’s gonna make a fuckin’ suit of human skin, using the best parts from each of us.” “Holy crap,” said John. “He’ll be gorgeous.

Foxbrush sneezed again. He couldn't help himself. It's not something a fellow likes to do when a stunningly beautiful woman is leaning toward him with an expression on her face like Nidawi's wore. But sneezes are not prey to the wants or wishes of those inflicted with them. He sneezed so violently that he nearly knocked his forehead against Nidawi's exquisite little chin. She leapt back lightly, frowning at first, then shaking the frown into a rain of laughter.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.