Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

The worst part of being a driver is that you have hours to yourself while waiting for your employer. You can spend this time chitchatting and scratching your groin. You can read murder and rape magazines. You can develop the chauffeur's habit it's a kind of yoga, really of putting a finger in your nose and letting your mind go blank for hours (they should call it the "bored driver's asana").

They are easy enough to recognize. They are the ones who say things like 'You love me, you just don't know it yet.

They are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy - not actually evil, but bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without an order, signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public enquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. If you want to get a lift from a Vogon, forget it. They are vile and ill tempered. If you want to get a drink from a Vogon, stick your finger down his throat. If you want to annoy a vogon, feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

They desecrate Riora’s sacred temple! She will be enraged.” “Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed.” “Somebody put a plant in front of it!

They’d be complaining about having to walk, and screeching at me to ‘do something, Freddy, do something!’” “But what could you do?” she said, puzzled. “Carry them, probably.” He gave her a hopeful look. “Do you want me to carry you?

The year was dying early, the leaves were falling fast, it was a raw cold day when we took possession, and the gloom of the house was most depressing. The cook (an amiable woman, but of a weak turn of intellect) burst into tears on beholding the kitchen, and requested that her silver watch might be delivered over to her sister (2 Tuppintock’s Gardens, Liggs’s Walk, Clapham Rise), in the event of anything happening to her from the damp. Streaker, the housemaid, feigned cheerfulness, but was the greater martyr. The Odd Girl, who had never been in the country, alone was pleased, and made arrangements for sowing an acorn in the garden outside the scullery window, and rearing an oak.

They don’t want to have a good time, they merely want to slump into middle age as quickly as possible. After the frightful battle of getting her man to the altar, the woman kind of relaxes, and all her youth, looks, energy, and joy of life just vanish overnight. It was like that with Hilda. Here was this pretty, delicate girl, who’d seemed to me—and in fact when I first knew her she was—a finer type of animal than myself, and within only about three years she’d settled down into a depressed, lifeless, middle-aged frump

They’d tried to diagnose him but there was no apparent medical explanation for his behaviour. He was just what his mum called ‘away with the fairies’ and Max called ‘a bit of a lost cunt.

They're horrible little creatures. All snot and smelly feet and pestering questions." "Then why did you go into teaching?" "It was either that or sit at home with Mother all day. I picked the lesser of two evils.

They passed a couple of guys making a bronze windup toy. At least that’s what it looked like. It was a six-inch-tall centaur—half man, half horse—armed with a miniature bow. One of the campers cranked the centaur’s tail, and it whirred to life. It galloped across the table, yelling, “Die, mosquito! Die, mosquito!” and shooting everything in sight.

They're waiting for you to say all these grand statements, you know? You march across the room and you're supposed to say 'DEATH HAS TWELVE WINGS LIKE THE ANGEL OF HELL!' but people aren't built that way. You can only say 'Hey, uh, baby, why don't ya' make me a cup of coffee?

They say that maths is a language. So how do I order a pizza with extra cheese in maths?

They say the shortest way to a man’s heart is through his sternum, after all.

They should have killed for water, the men and women of the CWD chawls. People have been known to kill for less: religion; language; the flag; the colour of a person's skin or his caste; breaking the queue at a petrol pump.

They that be born in the strength of youth are of one fashion, and they that are born in the time of age, when the womb fail, are otherwise.

They walked out into the first morning after the apocalypse - a day that had just barged in sweaty and unkempt like a late commuter, asking, Anything happen while I was out?

They want your sons.” “My–? But I don’t… ew!

They want dancing girls! They want thrills! They want elephants! They want people falling off roofs! They want dreams! The world is full of little people with big dreams!

They were like animals, men. They found too much eye contact threatening.

They were Siamese twins, joined at the groin by a traitorous piece of meat.

Thine own things, and such as are grown up with thee, canst thou not know; How should thy vessel then be able to comprehend the way of the Highest, and, the world being now outwardly corrupted to understand the corruption that is evident in my sight?

Think before you speak, unless it's urgent

Thinking of her aggravation with him during the meeting, he smiled. “Which reminds me . . . You kicked me.” She shrugged, lips tilting up just a bit. “You were being an ass. Didn’t anyone ever tell you you can catch more flies with honey?” “Sure. But who wants to catch flies?” She laughed. “You’re impossible.” “So everyone keeps telling me, but in far less pleasant terms.

Think of the most fussy science teacher you ever had. The one who docked your grade if the sixth decimal place in your answer was rounded incorrectly; who tucked in his periodic table T-shirt, corrected every student who said "weight" when he or she meant "mass", and made everyone, including himself, wear goggles even while mixing sugar water. Now try to imagine someone whom your teacher would hate for being anal-retentive. That is the kind of person who works for a bureau of standards and measurement.

Think, think … fog and storm … transported into a mystical land …” “I doubt that,” said Ralph. Several feet away from him lay a sea gull’s carcass. “It’s not really very mystical.

Thirty years of marriage to Erasto had taught her much, namely that men were reckless by nature, full of bluster, most incompetent, the rest fortunate to have a wife to keep them from allowing their innate ineptitude to engulf all around them.

This bullet can go straight through the couch." He was right. Fuck Ikea for making such flimsy furniture.

This faulty light fitting at the front door with the dangerously flickering bulb looks rather festive. Who says I don't do Christmas?

This coming from someone who'd seen it all over the course of tens of thousands of years: the rise and fall of dozens of empires, entire civilisations disappearing, some into the ocean--countless genocides and wars, the birth of gangster rap and reality television. Yes. Terrible, awful things.

This ends now. We’re breaking bread.” The waiter gets to us before Thommo’s had time to peruse. “Do you have bread?” “We have croissants.” Thommo blinks. “We’re breaking croissant.” “One croissant?” the waiter asks. “With three plates.” “They’re very small.” He mimes the croissant’s size. “Then bring small plates,” Thommo says.

This guy was making me tired. “Thanks for the afternoon’s entertainment,” I said. “I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

This has serveral consequences, starting with screwing over most cryptography algorithms--translation: all your bank account are belong to us--

This is an essential element of the business of being a man: to flood everyone around you in a great radiant arc of bullshit,

This is 1987. A girl can be whatever she wants to be." "I know," said Ray. "My mums a plumber.

This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.

This is Kester Baleen and Ajex Cristo,' Jared introduced. 'One born without common sense and another with too much intelligence.' 'Yeah, and what about you Dernell?' Kester retorted back. 'Born with a dry sense of humour.

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

This is my emergency kit. It contained a roll of duct tape, a spare pair of pants, an envelope with two hundred dollars, two bags of dried fruit, two packages of beef jerky, three bottles of water, a roll of thick shop towels you see mechanics use, a small metal pipe - just right for cracking a skull with - and a fake beard. Look, you never know.

This is flight 121 to Los Angeles. If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be the perfect time to disembark.

This is not the first time that the world has been in a mess but you are still God, you left us on the earth, not only to preach in a building but to be the church beyond the buildings.

This is not the way things are done in Boy’s Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism

This is the most I have ever been in the sewers in one place. If someone had said to me a month ago, 'Hey, Jackal, guess where you'll be spending most of your time in New Covington? Ankle-deep in shit!' I would've ripped their lips off.

This is Sailor Supergirl,” George says. “She knows all about black holes.

This is supposed to be a lighthearted session of symbolic document destruction, not a political debate.

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability." "Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora. "I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field." She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?" "And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.

This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together.

This is Trenicia, the queen of the warrior women of the Isle of Akalla. Different places have different traditions and different customs. On the Isle of Akalla, the women rule, and the women do the fighting." "What do the men do?" the horseman Ekial asked curiously. "As little as they possibly can," the warrior woman said in a sardonic tone. "Over the years, they’ve foisted just about everything off on us. We have to grow the food, hunt the meat, and fight the wars. The men sit around getting fat and arguing with each other about something they call 'philosophy' - most of which is pure nonsense.

This is two romantic things in a row, so I figure I should praise him accordingly, because the boy responds well to positive reinforcement.

This is where being a modern woman can be very confusing. Half of me was annoyed that Quinn felt I needed protecting and the other half of me loved that he wanted to do it. Go figure.” Rosa Wild, "Wild Pursuit

This may interest you. A letter from my dear cousin Fouquier-Tinville.” Camille cast an eye over his relative’s best handwriting. “Squirm, flattery, abasement, squirm, dearest sweetest Camille, squirm squirm squirm … ‘the election of the Patriot Ministers … I know them all by reputation, but I am not so happy as to be known by them—