Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand. He looked like a dick.

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.

Supermarkets were introduced into Britain to destroy small businesses and create a sense of social alienation

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Sure, knowledge is power but it doesn’t hurt to also have a sword. Just in case.” Heartan, Viddion marah.

Surely Bjorn Stronginthearm is my uncle,” he pointed out, slowly.

Surrounded by enemies, surrounded by evil, surrounded by darkness, injustice......."don't be afraid , those who are with us are more than those who are with them" 2 Kings 6:16

Sweeties were a breakfast cereal. They did not snap,crackle or pop, or do anything the more talented cereals did.

Swearing is a currency the countryside spends well.

Sylvia grabs my sleeve. “He’s a looker.” “I know. The problem is, he knows it, too.

Swinging the door open, I took a sip. All of the coffee in the world wouldn't help if more visitors showed up at my door this early in the morning but the caffeine fortification was a bonus. The delivery guy pushed his clipboard at me. I held up my cup and raided my eyebrows. We had an entire conversation in the next seven seconds with our eyes and eyebrows. I told him that I wasn't giving up my coffee for his delivery. He told me that if I'd just sign on the damned dotted line he would get the hell out of here. I replied in turn that if he'd hold the clipboard instead of shoving it at me (I threw in a nod here for good measure), I'd sign the damned line. He finally sighed, turned the clipboard around and held the pen out. I braced the door with my hip, grabbed the pen and scrawled Wilma Flinstone on the paper.

Take anything that is above you to God, lift it, bless it and release it and see what God will do.

Take it!" he snarled, hurling the diamond necklace across the table at his opponent. "And may you rot in hell with it!" "I should not dream of intruding upon you there," replied Mr Brundy, bowing deeply from the waist.

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

Talking of snakes, Mrs. Montgomery told me that once she nearly stood upon a krait - one of the most venomous snakes in India. She has been very ill at the time, suffering from acute facial neuralgia, 'so that I didn't care if I trod on fifty kraits. I was quite stupid with pain, and was going back in the evening to my bungalow, preceded by a servant who was carrying a lamp. Suddenly he stopped and said "Krait, Mem-sahib!" - but I was far too ill to notice what he was saying, and went straight on, and the krait was lying right in the middle of the path! The servant did a thing absolutely without precedent in India - he touched me! - he put hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. My shoe came off and I stopped. Of course if he hadn't done that I should have undoubtedly have been killed; but I didn't like it all the same same, and got rid of him soon after.

Talk to my corpse, I’m already dead.

tall heavily-armed Jacky, beautiful elegant Ozma, and the little girl with the big sword. Dammit

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.

Teaching kids is like a 5 year old box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be good.

Tea from the Japanese colony?' I said as she opened the airlock. 'Oh no, from my homeward. I think it's obvious that we've been here before: we check on developing civilisations, and sometimes quietly help them along. If we drop in on any young societies, we usually introduce them to tea.

Technically, you cannot really own a book you bought; you can only own the sheets of paper your copy is printed on; unless, of course, you are the book’s publisher.

Technically, you don't pay me. And technically, most of what I do is "think." I...rrr. ummm. And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are. -Ennesby & Captain Tagon

Ted was a superstar of the dog food tasting industry. He brought dog food up to a standard that is equal to or better than dishes you’ll find in most 5 star restaurants. He was one of the biggest reasons why today’s dogs become so excited when dinner time comes around.

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.

Tea was the great arbiter of many things, and for Pastaddams, his morning cup meant the difference between expressing rational thought and succumbing to the ineptitude that occupied recesses of his dormant mind. Merely having the cup in his hand facilitated the flow of ideas, and upon tea, the great nourishment of the tailor’s life, rested all his claims to rational dependence.

Tell me,' he asked, with some embarassment, as we strolled along: 'you're a bloody German, aren't you?' 'Oh, no. I'm Hungarian.' 'Hungarian?' 'Hungarian.' 'What's that? Is that a country? Or you are just having me on? 'Not at all. On my word of honour, it is a country.' 'And where do you Hungarians live?' 'In Hungary. Between Austria, Romania, Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia'. 'Come off it. Those places were made up by Shakespeare.

Tell me, Lothaire, I want to know. Convince me why I should love you.” “Because any other female would!

Tell me about Gang Starr,' said Nishant, in an effort to start a conversation I'd be interested in. 'One MC, one DJ...' 'Classic combo,' Anand affirmed. 'No hype man?' 'No.' 'What do we need Anand for?' Nishant shrugged, ever the pragmatist, never the catcher of feelings.

Tell me we’re not going to be stoking up the cook fires to build palisades through the night by their light.’ I stood, turning as I spoke. Gravely, he said, ‘You’re not going to be stoking the cook fires and building palisades through the night by their light.’ Something was wrong with Lupus. He had never in his life made a joke, and his eyes were not laughing; quite the reverse.

Tell me, Peppone, what other talents do you have besides erasing undesirables?” “I enjoy a fair bit of sneaking, sir. I also enjoy pilfering and killing as a professional courtesy.” “What a delightfully horrid urchin you are.” “Thank you, sir.

Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube.

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.

Thanks to you I’ve involuntarily increased the radiation protection of my biosuit quite substantially.

Thank God #EVEN# #THOUGH# in bad times not only in your good; this is a graduated form of gratitude.

Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell.” “To be fair, you still look pretty bad.

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

That Damon Matthews,” Linda spat. “You know, take one letter out of his name and it spells ‘ damn’ as in ‘damn, that kid’s a worthless sonovabitch’.

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

That head of yours should be for use as well as ornament.

Thatsh prieshts for you,” said the old man wetly. “Nothing by torc, torc, torc.

THAT'S IT!" Terminus cried. "That's AGAINST THE RULES!" Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. "What are you?" he growled. "Shut up!" He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy. "Now I'm MAD!" Terminus shrieked. "I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard--

That red spot!” she says with alarm. “That’s a freckle!” “It wasn’t there before...” she says as she inspects her entire arm. “It’s cute.” “It’s not cute.” “Then it’s mine,” I say. “If you don’t like it, it’s mine. I’ll call it Brady.” “My freckle?” “Yes.” “You’re naming my freckle after yourself?” she says. “And you think I have issues?” “It’s like a star. People buy stars in the constellation and name them after people al the time. As gifts.” “So then are you buying my freckle? Because I don’t know if you can afford my freckle. My freckles don’t come cheap, you know.” “I’ve already claimed it,” I declare. “It’s not up for discussion anymore. Just eat your ice cream. And don’t spill any on Brady.

That’s a nice car you’ve got outside,” he remarked. “1979 Ford Thunderbird lowrider. It used to belong to Ice-T. I like my cars like my breasts,” Betty replied. “Low slung.

That's enough!" Holly scrambled out of her seat, too. "My three-year-old behaves better than all of you." She looked down at LJ, who was trying to stuff a fry up his nostril. "And that's not saying a whole lot.

That’s probably the most sincere thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.” Logan lowered his eyes to Tate’s hand. “Now, that’s not true. I was very sincere this morning when I told you that I loved sucking your—” “Don’t ruin it,” Tate interrupted.

That's right, you get him, Mary. Don't let him change the subject!

That’s quite the specific search...'Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches'—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves.

That's your solution? Have a cookie?

That wasn't snoring," Cruxer said. "I do not know what it is. We all eat the same food, but this man's anus ... If we could weaponize his farts ....