Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Can you tell me the difference between a witch and a wizard? Sure, a wizard is what they call you when they want to hire you, and a witch is what they call you when they're getting ready to run you out of town.

Can you put your hands on my crotch?” “Why, hell no, I cannot.” I didn’t remember anything like this happening in Pride and Prejudice.

Captain Midlands: "I met the real you once." John (Lennon) the Skrull: "You're meeting the real me now." Captain Midlands: "I told him to get his bleedin' hair cut.

Carl Mørck, am I disturbing you? said a voice at the door, which made his blood boil and turn to ice at the same time. His spinal cord sent five commands through his infrastructure: get rid of the eraser, cover the last line, put away the cigarette, drop the stupid facial expression, close your mouth!

Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over." "Not guilty." "Also, it's not very nice to lie in court." "But it beats extradition.

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?” “Yeah,” I say. “As long as it’s not in your house and you don’t know about it, you’re okay with us messin’ around.” “I know you’re joking with me. You are joking with me, aren’t you?” “Maybe.

Caw! Caw, Hartley, caw!" Chase narrowed his eyes again. "Sam?" I nodded. Then crossed to the window again and called down to Sam. "You can quit squawking. He caught me.

Casting my own eye down Fifth Avenue as my belly swelled, I would register with incredulity: Every one of these people came from a woman's cunt.

cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin’ in your house, I’d kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

Certainly, he was the only one in the room who'd actually engaged Dante in direct conversation and informed the Poet he was an ass.

C'est parce que je cherche le Graal que je suis roi. Et du coup que vous êtes reine. Si je cherchais pas le Graal, vous seriez encore en Carmélide en train de torcher le cul des vaches dans une des fermes de votre con de père !

Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or they'd leave a pair of goats. Either way, on any future visit, the island would be a source of meat. These islands, they were pristine. These were home to breeds of birds with no natural predators. Breeds of birds that lived nowhere else on earth. The plants there, without enemies they evolved without thorns or poisons. Without predators and enemies, these islands, they were paradise. The sailors, the next time they visited these islands, the only things still there would be herds of goats or pigs. Oyster is telling this story. The sailors called this "seeding meat." Oyster says, "Does this remind you of anything? Maybe the ol' Adam and Eve story?" Looking out the car window, he says, "You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?

C'est pas assez que tous tu dis c'est de la merde, François? Tu veux coucher dans la merde, aussi?

Centurion! Would you like to be a cavalryman one last time? There are Venicones who escaped when your line was broken to be hunted down, and Tribune Licinius has ordered me to take the best men available in their pursuit. Leave this hairy gentleman to watch the fun, and join us in the hunt!

Chancellor Gerhard Schröder has several times made statements to the effect that we Europeans should not cultivate a superficial anti-Americanism. But mine isn't superficial at all. Personally I have nothing against the US itself - it's a beautiful country - it's the people who live there that are the problem. I guess you could say it's the same thing with Bavaria.

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Charlotte Richmond says of herself: “I have few ladylike accomplishments. I cannot sing, I cannot draw, I cannot play the pianoforte or the harp and I cannot produce delicately beautiful embroideries. Sadly, the ability to do quantities of mending, to cook a good plain dinner and to shoot a marauding crocodile as I once did, is not appreciated in Polite Society.

Cheese!" I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.

Check it out. She's scandalously popular, insanely beautiful, and obviously in the middle of some emotional shoot-out to consent to date the human Tator Tot.

Cheap food always requires expensive treatment.

Che cazzo... -mormora Gesù. - Che ne è stato di Fate i Bravi? Fate i Bravi. Ogni volta che Dio ripensa alla meravigliosa semplicità di quella frase, il Suo unico e originale comandamento, gli subentra in automatico un altro pensiero: quel coglione di Mosè. Che razza di arrogante testa di cazzo butta nel cesso l'unico comandamento che gli è stato dato e ne tira fuori dieci inventati di sana pianta?

Chicken salad with egg in it is very interesting way to eat two generations.

Christianity is not for seasonal use, it is for daily use. Make the word of God your daily Language.

Christians believe in a big God but do small things and this is a big insult to God.

Chris had been a genuinely nice guy – a guy with a warm heart and friendly demeanour. What’s more, he, Mortimer, had lived and laughed alongside him – something his dead companions didn’t exactly evoke. OK. So they had their uses from time to time and offered him company when he desired it. Even so, that was it. They were dead, not living. Anyway, their conversations weren’t exactly inspiring.

Christ – wid ye take a look at that numpty? Fuckin "Popeye" izzit?’ Jimmy gestured towards the bar. ‘C**t obviously husnae hud his spinach, eh?

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Christmas comes but once a year, starts in August ends in July

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

CHRISTMAS EVE: There’s a fire blazing in the fireplace, food enough for five thousand, and a new TV as big as Wyoming tuned to a football game no one cares about.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Christians we cannot be allowed to be fractured at a time like this. There are more of us, there are more of light in us than in the agents of darkness.

Christopher Columbus

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Civilization must be preserved,' says he. 'Civilization's doing fine,' I said. 'We just don't happen to be where it is.

- Ci sono divergenze di natura teologica su... Vediamo, per esempio sulla raffigurazione latina del purgatorio. - C'è qualcuno a cui frega una cippa di minchia della raffigurazione latina del purgatorio? - reagisce Dio, versandosi dell'altro caffè.

Clearly, she hadn’t heard of the two words ‘social’ and ‘life’.

Clicking on "send" has its limitations as a system of subtle communication. Which is why, of course, people use so many dashes and italics and capitals ("I AM joking!") to compensate. That's why they came up with the emoticon, too—the emoticon being the greatest (or most desperate, depending how you look at it) advance in punctuation since the question mark in the reign of Charlemagne. You will know all about emoticons. Emoticons are the proper name for smileys. And a smiley is, famously, this: :—) Forget the idea of selecting the right words in the right order and channelling the reader's attention by means of artful pointing. Just add the right emoticon to your email and everyone will know what self-expressive effect you thought you kind-of had in mind. Anyone interested in punctuation has a dual reason to feel aggrieved about smileys, because not only are they a paltry substitute for expressing oneself properly; they are also designed by people who evidently thought the punctuation marks on the standard keyboard cried out for an ornamental function. What's this dot-on-top-of-a-dot thing for? What earthly good is it? Well, if you look at it sideways, it could be a pair of eyes. What's this curvy thing for? It's a mouth, look! Hey, I think we're on to something. :—( Now it's sad! ;—) It looks like it's winking! :—r It looks like it's sticking its tongue out! The permutations may be endless: :~/ mixed up! <:—) dunce! :—[ pouting! :—O surprise! Well, that's enough. I've just spotted a third reason to loathe emoticons, which is that when they pass from fashion (and I do hope they already have), future generations will associate punctuation marks with an outmoded and rather primitive graphic pastime and despise them all the more. "Why do they still have all these keys with things like dots and spots and eyes and mouths and things?" they will grumble. "Nobody does smileys any more.

Clearly, this was another thing I needed to add to the: ‘repetitive cycle of things that were constantly happening in my life’ list, which currently contained fainting and my ability to find trouble.

Colleague, given that I’m detached to go hunting bandits, I’d be grateful for the continued loan of your horses until we return. A squadron of cavalry could make all the difference when we’re chasing around the forests after shadows.’ Licinius gave him a jaundiced look. ‘You’ve got sticky fingers, young man. Every soldier that comes into contact with your cohort seems to end up as part of it. Hamian archers, borrowed cavalrymen. I’ll even wager you that the half-century of legionaries Dubnus borrowed from the Sixth will end up in your establishment. And yes, you can extend the loan if you think it’ll do you any good, and you can keep that decurion you promoted to command them.

Clever move. Using humour to deflate my murderous intent.

Clouds are high flying Fog

C'mon. I'll show you." "Thou speakest strange!" Pearl said. "So do thou!" I said. "Thee!" "Thou!" I said.

Coco Chanel is said to have said that a girl should be two things: who and what she is. I say a girl should do two things: what and who she wants.

Colonel Talbot? he is a very disagreeable person, to be sure. He looks as if he thought no Scottish woman worth the trouble of handing her a cup of tea.

Come on. I know you're not a stupid man.' 'I'm quite stupid. Ask anyone.' 'Finbar, are there superheroes living among us?' Finbar snorted with laughter and Kenny started to feel a little thick. 'Superheroes? In tights and capes, flying around? If there were superheroes, Mr. Journalist, don't you think they'd be in New York or somewhere like that? There's not that many tall buildings for Spiderman to swing from in Dublin, you know? He'd have maybe two good swings and then hang there looking disappointed.' 'These people don't wear tights and capes, Finbar.' 'So they're naked superheroes? That's grand for now, but when the good weather is over they're going to regret it.' 'They look like us. They dress like us. But they're not like us. They're different.' 'You,' Finbar said. 'Are sounding very racist right now.

Come on, let’s go meet the guy who thinks he’s my better half . And dear God, I apologize ahead of time if he starts talking to you about how many eight-point bucks he’s planning to hunt this weekend.

Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you're not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your show. 'She's a comedian? She's not that funny!' It's unfair 'cause when cardio surgeon friends say they cut chests open and hold hearts in their hands, everyone just takes their word for it.

Colonel Cathcart is our commanding officer and we must obey him. Why don't you fly four more missions and see what happens?" "I don't want to." "Suppose we let you pick your missions and fly milk runs?" Major Major said. "That way you can fly the four missions and not run any risks." "I don't want to fly milk runs. I don't want to be in the war anymore." "Would you like to see our country lose?" Major Major asked. "We won't lose. We've got more men, more money, and more material. There are ten million men in uniform who could replace me. Some people are getting killed and a lot more are making money and having fun. Let somebody else get killed." "But suppose everybody on our side felt that way?" "Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way. Wouldn't I?