Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Must be frustrating being a scientist. There you are, incrementally discovering how the universe works via a series of complex tests and experiments, for the benefit of all mankind - and what thanks do you get? People call you "egghead" or "boffin" or "heretic", and they cave your face in with a rock and bury you out in the wilderness. Not literally - not in this day and age - but you get the idea. Scientists are mistrusted by huge swathes of the general public, who see them as emotionless lab-coated meddlers-with-nature rather than, say, fellow human beings who've actually bothered getting off their arses to work this shit out.

My advice for those of you who felt being marginalised, undervalued and taken for granted; guess what? That is the Arena where God creates Leaders.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My bookshelves were groaning with WW2 books, Hitler's baleful eyes staring out at me from covers and spines for any new visitor (or passing burglar) to wonder if I might be a fan or at least mildly obsessed.

My cock has been hiding since the day she arrived," Bjarni had said, but only when he was sure she was out of earshot, which was a full day after she left. "You worry for nothing brother," Bjorn had said, "for even a seiðr-wife (witch) cannot put a spell on something she can't see. It would be like trying to hit a louse with a spear-throw.

My creative hands can’t keep up with my creative mind, so I think I’ll sit and rest on my creative behind

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

My circus train pulls through the night Full of lions and trapeze artists I'm done with elephants and clowns I want to run away and join the office

My doggy ate my homework. He chewed it up," I said. But when I offered my excuse My teacher shook her head. I saw this wasn't going well. I didn't want to fail. Before she had a chance to talk, I added to the tale: "Before he ate, he took my work And tossed it in a pot. He simmered it with succotash Till it was piping hot. "He scrambled up my science notes With eggs and bacon strips, Along with sautéed spelling words And baked potato chips. "He then took my arithmetic And had it gently fried. He broiled both my book reports With pickles on the side. "He wore a doggy apron As he cooked a notebook stew. He barked when I objected. There was nothing I could do." "Did he wear a doggy chef hat?" My teacher gave a scowl. "He did," I said. "And taking it Would only make him growl." My teacher frowned, but then I said As quickly as I could, "He covered it with ketchup, And he said it tasted good." "A talking dog who likes to cook?" My teacher had a fit. She sent me to the office, And that is where I sit. I guess I made a big mistake In telling her all that. 'Cause I don't have a doggy. It was eaten by my cat.

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze - the body's way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust up your nose, a laugh happened when something really true got into your brain. Something so true that your system just couldn't stand it.

my doggie don't wear glasses so they're lying when they say a dog looks like it's owner aren't they - My doggie don't wear glasses

My dear, I can't promise you plenty or prosperity or even butter...

My doctor told me that as long as I can walk up a flight of stairs then I can keep having sex. That's why I chose an upstairs appartment.

My dear, I don't care what they do, so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses

My dad gave me a present once,' Nico said. 'It was a zombie.' Reyna stared at him. 'What?' 'His name is Jules-Albert. He's French.' 'A... French zombie?

My faith gives me the ability to say, whatever is next, I'm ready. If it is Hillary or Trump I am ready because they might sit on the desk but they do not sit on the throne.

My face is rather like a collision waiting to happen: head-on I can be borne, but turn sideways, and it is all calamity.

My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins. I know this is troubling. I too find it hard to believe there is a connection across time and space, linking me to a race of ill-mannered clowns. Chimps. There's no excuse for them.

My eyes must spend at least fifty per cent of any given day rolled to the back of my head.

My friend, if the story is written against you, what you need to do is—’ ‘Change the story?’ ‘I was thinking more like hunt down the author and gut him in front of his family, but your plan works too.’ Charon Unguarded

My favourite songs from literally all my favourite albums are usually always track 10. Coincidence? Conspiracy? Illuminati? Time will tell.

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.

My greatest strength is an unfocused mind. This is because while you are all thinking of one idea, I’m thinking of five different ideas. My greatest weakness however is an unfocused mind. This is because while I’m supposed to be thinking about one thing, I’m actually thinking of five other things.

my heart has more rooms in it than a whore house

My grandma said to me, Lailah; ‘You laugh while sleeping

My great Aunt Juliet was knocked over and killed by a bus when she was eighty-five. The bus was travelling very slowly in the right direction and could hardly have been missed by anyone except Aunt Juliet, who must have been travelling fairly fast in the wrong direction.

My internal temper tantrum tirade continued: But attracting and holding the interest of someone like Quinn Sullivan will have to go into my box of make believe with the eventual remake of Final Fantasy 7 with Playstation 3 graphics or finding an original, pristine version of Detective Comics No. 27- Batman's debut.

My love for Neo-Tokyo is a bulbous mass of post-human organic circuitry. Cyperpunk is my mother tongue. My love is a man-machine interface gun.

... my love life in college had a lot of moving parts.

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Revernd Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man Upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

My mouth went dry as I tried to remember all of Poppie’s tips for kissing over the years. She told me no guy wanted a girl with a mouth as wide as a guppy, who sucked his tongue with the force of a Dyson vacuum cleaner first time, or licked him to death like an overeager puppy. She’d told me to just purse my lips and let him lead and take control. Don’t slobber, don’t slobber, don’t slobber, I chanted to myself as he got closer and closer

My point is that I am going to figure this out, like I always do. First, we’re going to find a way to get into Artemisia. We’re going to find Cress and rescue Cinder and Wolf. We’re going to overthrow Levana, and by the stars above, we are going to make Cinder a queen so she can pay us a lot of money from her royal coffers and we can all retire very rich and very alive, got it?" Winter started to clap. "Brilliant speech. Such gumption and bravado." "And yet strangely lacking in any sort of actual strategy," said Scarlet. "Oh, good, I'm glad you noticed that too," said Iko. "I was worried my processor might be glitching.

My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter." Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred. "Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.

My poetic aspiration Is to become, A Jack of all styles And a master of pun.

My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order.

My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly. “Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.” “I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say. “I’m your boss, Anna.” “What do you mean?” There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.

mystery is not founded in ignorance, mystery is founded in imagination

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.

My uncle would have about ten pints some nights and then drive us all home. I guess the feeling was that we weren't going to crash into anyone, because barely any fucker lived there.

Mzatal gave a decisive nod. “I will manage this. It cannot continue to interfere with his work. Too much is at stake.” I raised an eyebrow. “How do you intend to manage it?” “I will tell him the truth and outline the consequences.” I was surprised Mzatal didn’t shrivel away from the look I gave him. “Dude. Seriously? You expect him to stop crushing on me because you forbid it?” Mzatal frowned, contemplative. “Perhaps not ideal given the entanglement of human emotions, though there is no time for it to drag on,” he said, as if he actually knew what he was talking about. “If he knows you have no interest and sees how his distractions have affected his work, he will subside enough for now.” My withering look became glacial. “Boss, you’re completely awesome in many ways, but you are so off-base with this it’s not even funny.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ve already ramped ‘No Interest’ up to eleven on the dial and, at this point, he doesn’t care if his work suffers.” I took a big gulp of coffee, then ran my fingers through my tangled hair. “Let me deal with it. Normally I’m not into direct confrontation with this sort of shit, but there’s isn’t enough time for it to fizzle out on its own.” Mzatal regarded me with that damned unreadable mask which he’d slipped on as I was talking. Great. Lords weren’t much on being told they were wrong, but it had to be said.

My words always get me into troubles. And if not my words, it is my facial expressions.

Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

Necessity is a mother.

Neither (brother) even glaced at the counter. She smiled. Her dumb brothers never cooked. She didn’t think they even knew how! A human being who needs food to live but cannot prepare that food to eat? Pathetic. In this case, it was an advantage. They weren’t interested in any food until it had been cooked for them.

Nem biztosíthatunk magángépet vallástörténeti könyvek szerzőinek. Ha hajlandó vagy megírni Az ikonográfia ötven árnyalatát, akkor beszélhetünk róla.

- Neuf heures et demie ! Non merci. Les plus beaux pectoraux de la Terre ne me feront pas lever aux aurores comme Danette. - Pourquoi pas ? - Je suis une femme moderne et éduquée. Je ne peux quand même pas m'adonner au culte de l'homme objet.

My Teacher Sees Right Through Me I didn’t do my homework. My teacher asked me, “Why?” I answered him, “It’s much too hard.” He said, “You didn’t try.” I told him, “My dog ate it.” He said, “You have no dog.” I said, “I went out running.” He said, “You never jog.” I told him, “I had chores to do.” He said, “You watched TV.” I said, “I saw the doctor.” He said, “You were with me.” My teacher sees right through my fibs, which makes me very sad. It’s hard to fool the teacher when the teacher is your dad.

Nakamura considered this. "I hesitate to agree, but that was probably a good idea." "A compliment! My goodness, let me mark the day on my calendar!" "That's why I hesitated to agree," Nakamura said with a note of weariness.