Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

When I was child they thought I was twins,' she said over one of her shoulders. 'And then... they thought I was evil,' she said over another shoulder. 'Are you?' said Tiffany. Both of Miss Level turned round, looking shocked. 'What kind of question is that to ask anyone?' she said. 'Um... the obvious one?' said Tiffany. 'I mean, if they said "Yes I am! Mwahahaha!", that would save a lot of trouble, wouldn't it?

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

When killer whales travel in groups they breathe in unison. That's what my wife and I do. My little killer whale...She has never really. Cared for that.

When James Thurber described humour (or humor) as “emotional chaos remembered in tranquility” he was only pointing out that things that seem very important at the time usually aren’t, and that it’s not unkind to laugh at temporary upsets, especially when they’re our own. In fact, it’s rightly considered healthy to be able to laugh at oneself, and we all much prefer people who do not take themselves “too seriously.” A good sense of humour is the sign of a healthy perspective, which is why people who are uncomfortable around humour are either pompous (inflated) or neurotic (oversensitive). Pompous people mistrust humour because at some level they know their self-importance cannot survive very long in such an atmosphere, so they criticise it as “negative” or “subversive.” Neurotics, sensing that humour is always ultimately critical, view it as therefore unkind and destructive, a reductio ad absurdum which leads to political correctness.

When life gives you lemons ask it for sugar and water too. Otherwise your final product would be some acidic lemon juice!

When Kirsty wore an apron, no matter what colour, she always ended up the spitting image of a stout, pre-revolution, Russian peasant crone, as depicted in her year nine history book.

When last did you thank God? When last did you appreciate him? Some people are just busy praying for more things they need God to do. The best way to pray is by thanking God first for the things He has already done in your life. For the remaining job in your life, He knows how to finish it.

When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses.

When Montmorency meets a cat, the whole street knows about it; and there is enough bad language wasted in ten seconds to last an ordinarily respectable man all his life, with care.

When my friends are in danger,” he says, his voice sincere. “I will always be there to help them, no matter what.” “Sheesh,” I comment, catching Adam’s eye and making him grin harder. “I think I preferred the moodier you, not the soppy one.” And with that, we are back in business.

When next the devil attack you apply your break; resist the devil and he will flew from you. The bible didn't say you should run from the devil but resist him.

When our brains declare war on our very existence.

When People in sales are at work, they are at war.

When selecting a one-night stand, a heterosexual woman who is materialistic is a trillion times more likely to choose a sexually unattractive poor man who seems rich over a sexually attractive rich man who seems poor.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting." Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself. Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. Click. Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. "Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?" You mean, besides us?" "Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee?

When someone uses the phrase ‘the prick one’, and you know immediately that this is a synonym for the word ‘metaphorically’, you are entitled to wonder whether you know the speaker too well. You are even entitled to wonder whether you should know her at all.

When the baby cries, she could be hungry or thirsty or angry or cranky or sick or sleepy or paranoid or jealous or she had planned something but it went horribly awry. So you'll need to take care of that, when it happens.

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.

When the Æsir saw Odin flying, they placed their vats in the courtyard, and when Odin entered Asgard he spat the mead into the vats. It was such a close call, with Suttung almost catching him, that he blew some of the mead out of his rear. No one paid attention to this part, and whoever wanted it took it; we call this the bad poets’ portion.

When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General. -Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o'clock in the afternoon and she said, "Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder," and her five year old wandered into the kitchen and said, "Sixty hamburgers?

When the loneliest place on earth is in your mind, move out!

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

When the road ahead seems impossible, start the engine

When the waiter brought the cheese-board, there was a large carrot carved in the shape of a mermaid sitting between the Dolcelatte and the Pecorino. Teo could have sworn that the carrot-mermaid flexed her tail and plunged her little hand inside a smelly Gorgonzola. 'Tyromancy, ye know,' remarked the mermaid. 'The Ancient Art of Divination by Cheese.' Then she pulled her tiny hand out and inspected the green cheese-mold on her tiny fingers. 'Lackaday!' she moaned. 'Stinking! It goes poorly for Venice and Teodora, it do!

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other. About Alex and Brittany.

(When told that he is a drunk) My dear, you are ugly; but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

When was it that they who dwell upon the earth have not sinned in thy sight? or what people have so kept thy commandments? Thou shall find that you all by name had kept thy precepts; but not the heathen.

When will the Home Office realize that when judges retire, not only are they sent home for the rest of their lives, but the only people they have left to judge are their innocent wives.' 'So what are you recommending?'asked Alex as they walked into the drawing room. 'That judges should be shot on their seventieth birthday, and their wives granted a royal pardon and given their pensions by a grateful nation.' 'I may have come up with a more acceptable solution,' suggested Alex. 'Like what? Making it legal to assist judges' wives to commit suicide?' 'Something a little less drastic,' said Alex.

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

when you fall; it's not the ending; It's the next chance to perform better than the last one

When you do away with God you become your own god, because you recognise no greater power in the universe than yourself.

When you learn to have the heart of praise in the presence of your enemies, you set the table; if you can work with God in darkness enough depending on the light that He showed you in the last season, you will learn to read your enemies as a sign that it is time to eat. ( a bit deep). Whenever you sense a crisis in your life, note that your harvest is near.

When you keep a secret from your parents, you're not trying to protect yourself. It's because you're trying to protect them.

When you leave where God is sending you to somewhere else, your star will varnish. A lesson to learn here....don't go to Herod's house when you are looking for Jesus.

When you go nearer to God, He shows you what to do, He tells you when to do it and He backs whatever He promised.

When you reach the middle of your career ladder, turn it the other way around and slide down to the top

When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord.

When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream.

where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom* *Made it up and extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.

When you serve a beer-cock an ear.

Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa?" i was truly curious to know the answer. "Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface.

Where are we now? I think modern mankind is on the evolutionary scale of teenager: we think we know it all and it’s all about us. From "Holo Earth and the Evolution of Awareness

- Where is Polonius? - In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.'" - Lockie

When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!

Wherefore the present age is given up as a reproach to the heathen, and for what cause the people whom thou hast loved is given over unto ungodly nations?!

Where have all the good men gone? Graveyards, mostly.” – Dread Emperor Malevolent III, the Pithy