Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

When the waiter brought the cheese-board, there was a large carrot carved in the shape of a mermaid sitting between the Dolcelatte and the Pecorino. Teo could have sworn that the carrot-mermaid flexed her tail and plunged her little hand inside a smelly Gorgonzola. 'Tyromancy, ye know,' remarked the mermaid. 'The Ancient Art of Divination by Cheese.' Then she pulled her tiny hand out and inspected the green cheese-mold on her tiny fingers. 'Lackaday!' she moaned. 'Stinking! It goes poorly for Venice and Teodora, it do!

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other. About Alex and Brittany.

(When told that he is a drunk) My dear, you are ugly; but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

When was it that they who dwell upon the earth have not sinned in thy sight? or what people have so kept thy commandments? Thou shall find that you all by name had kept thy precepts; but not the heathen.

When will the Home Office realize that when judges retire, not only are they sent home for the rest of their lives, but the only people they have left to judge are their innocent wives.' 'So what are you recommending?'asked Alex as they walked into the drawing room. 'That judges should be shot on their seventieth birthday, and their wives granted a royal pardon and given their pensions by a grateful nation.' 'I may have come up with a more acceptable solution,' suggested Alex. 'Like what? Making it legal to assist judges' wives to commit suicide?' 'Something a little less drastic,' said Alex.

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

When you do away with God you become your own god, because you recognise no greater power in the universe than yourself.

when you fall; it's not the ending; It's the next chance to perform better than the last one

When you go nearer to God, He shows you what to do, He tells you when to do it and He backs whatever He promised.

When you learn to have the heart of praise in the presence of your enemies, you set the table; if you can work with God in darkness enough depending on the light that He showed you in the last season, you will learn to read your enemies as a sign that it is time to eat. ( a bit deep). Whenever you sense a crisis in your life, note that your harvest is near.

When you keep a secret from your parents, you're not trying to protect yourself. It's because you're trying to protect them.

When you leave where God is sending you to somewhere else, your star will varnish. A lesson to learn here....don't go to Herod's house when you are looking for Jesus.

When you reach the middle of your career ladder, turn it the other way around and slide down to the top

When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord.

When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream.

When you serve a beer-cock an ear.

When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.'" - Lockie

When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!

where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom* *Made it up and extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.

Where are we?” I interrupted Gregory as he spoke with the other angels. He looked around. “Intercourse, Pennsylvania.” I snorted—he said “intercourse”. What a great name for a town. I needed to move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. I wondered if there was a Climax, Pennsylvania? Gregory’s lips twitched. “Yes, there’s a Climax, Pennsylvania. It takes about four hours to get there by car from Intercourse.” I didn’t know what was more funny, the fact that Climax was four hours from Intercourse or that the two angels standing beside Gregory had expressions of horror on their faces. An archangel, the archangel, had just made a sex joke. Damn, I loved him. “I can get there faster,” I choked out between laughter that nearly brought me to my knees. “Because four hours from intercourse to climax is cause for immediate medical attention.” He waved a hand. “For paltry humans, maybe. Four hours for an angel is a quickie.” Those other two angels looked as if they were ready to sink through the ground. “Oh, please, can we have a quickie? I’ve got four hours to spare, and we are in Intercourse. It’s fate.

Where are you from?' 'Studland.' Suddenly, all the girls started giggling. Why did I feel like I was in the middle of a crime scene? 'Wait a second,' Isabelle said, eyes shining. 'Studland?' 'Yeah?' I asked, wondering what was so funny. 'As in "studs"?' she chuckled.

Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa?" i was truly curious to know the answer. "Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface.

Where are we now? I think modern mankind is on the evolutionary scale of teenager: we think we know it all and it’s all about us. From "Holo Earth and the Evolution of Awareness

Wherefore the present age is given up as a reproach to the heathen, and for what cause the people whom thou hast loved is given over unto ungodly nations?!

Where have all the good men gone? Graveyards, mostly.” – Dread Emperor Malevolent III, the Pithy

- Where is Polonius? - In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

Whether it was the power of suggestion or whether her eyes really hadn't deceived her, I began noticing too that my face was occasionally going rogue the rest of the afternoon, smiling when I had little reason to smile. Maybe my facial nerves were developing a neurological condition; I resolved to keep a close eye on it.

Where's Kraven? Is he stalking me too?" His mouth went tight. "I'm not stalking you.

Where have you been?" he asked slowly. "Um, in the bathroom, mostly," Larry said. Let's just say my plumbing is not working any better than Mexico City's.

WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Ah. I see we are now into the second movement of the Nakamura Suite in G-Minor!

Which direction now? Every damned tree and plant looked the same. Green, green, and more leafy green. It was like being trapped in a huge spinach salad.

Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did.

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

Whew,” he said. “You clean up good. You don’t look like the same girl.” She frowned right before she laughed. “Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?

Which college?' 'Hmm?' 'Which college do you go to?' Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.' 'I'm sorry?' 'Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed. Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self

While studying my bible, I noticed that all the miracle Jesus did was never magical, the people that received their healing call it the blind man, the woman with the issue of blood, lazarus, the man they threw through the ceiling to him etc, had one thing in common. I didn't call it faith but I call it action. ...they made a move and was ready to make a shift and a change. Lessons to learn from here; faith without work better put without action is dead. Secondly, miracle will never find you in your sitting room, you need to make a move in order to find it. Third, God can only start the work in your life only with what you have left not what you do not have. Fourth, do your own part and then allow God to do the one you cannot do. Fifth, always be ready for a change. Sixth, when you have done everything and nothing seems to work....Call on JESUS...I am a living withness, He always starts when we are tired.

Whirrun ignored ‘em. ‘Then, when I’ve got two cut,’ and he dropped a pale slab of cheese on one slice then slapped the other on top like he was catching a fly, ‘I trap the cheese between then, and there you have it!’ ‘Bread and cheese.’ Yon weighed the half-loaf in one hand and the cheese in the other. ‘Just the same as I’ve got.’ And he bit off the cheese and tossed it to Scorry. Whirrun sighed. ‘Have none of you no vision?’ He held up his masterpiece to such light as there was, which was almost none. ‘This is no more bread and cheese than a fine axe is wood and iron, or a live person is meat and har.’ ‘What is it, then?’ asked Drfod, rocking back from his wet wood and tossing the flint aside in disgust. ‘A whole new thing. A forging of the humble part of bread and cheese into a greater whole. I call it … a cheese-trap.’ Whirrun took a dainty nibble from one corner. ‘Oh, yes, my friends. This tastes like … progress…

Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw. It was its tendency to bend at the knees.

Who decided it's a phobia in the first place? What if I just don't want to get married ever. Just like I don't want to live in Jharkhand ever. Somehow I can say that as loud as I want and as many times as I want, yet nobody will ask me to see the shrink about my Jharkhand phobia. Why?

While 'Rap Trax!' recorded, Neel found some scrap paper and we started writing our first lyrics. Bandying about subject matter and title, we got stuck on the idea of 'cool', so my first rap song became 'Pretty Cool'. It was a symbol of our confidence. We weren't awesome cool or mega cool. We were only... pretty cool.

While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtimes stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.

Who are you after?” “The snarky asshole one.” “Could you be a little more specific.” “The one who has a staff and throws their toys out of the pram that one.” “Ooh.” “Yeah.

Whoa, who was that?” “Madison Stone,” Kiara mutters. “Introduce me to her.” “Why?” Because I know it’ll annoy the shit out of you.

Whoever thou art that, not content with a moderate condition, imaginest happiness in royal magnificence, and dreamest that command or riches can feed the appetite of novelty with perpetual gratifications, survey the Pyramids, and confess thy folly!

Whoever took that theory about magnets and started applying it to people, needs to have his posterior kicked!

Who says vanquish anymore?" Moog breathed. People who vanquished things, Clay supposed.

Who's he seeing now then?" "No idea. They're like funfair goldfish; no point giving them names, they never last that long.