Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

This is the most I have ever been in the sewers in one place. If someone had said to me a month ago, 'Hey, Jackal, guess where you'll be spending most of your time in New Covington? Ankle-deep in shit!' I would've ripped their lips off.

This is Sailor Supergirl,” George says. “She knows all about black holes.

This is Trenicia, the queen of the warrior women of the Isle of Akalla. Different places have different traditions and different customs. On the Isle of Akalla, the women rule, and the women do the fighting." "What do the men do?" the horseman Ekial asked curiously. "As little as they possibly can," the warrior woman said in a sardonic tone. "Over the years, they’ve foisted just about everything off on us. We have to grow the food, hunt the meat, and fight the wars. The men sit around getting fat and arguing with each other about something they call 'philosophy' - most of which is pure nonsense.

This is two romantic things in a row, so I figure I should praise him accordingly, because the boy responds well to positive reinforcement.

This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together.

This is where being a modern woman can be very confusing. Half of me was annoyed that Quinn felt I needed protecting and the other half of me loved that he wanted to do it. Go figure.” Rosa Wild, "Wild Pursuit

This may interest you. A letter from my dear cousin Fouquier-Tinville.” Camille cast an eye over his relative’s best handwriting. “Squirm, flattery, abasement, squirm, dearest sweetest Camille, squirm squirm squirm … ‘the election of the Patriot Ministers … I know them all by reputation, but I am not so happy as to be known by them—

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee’s handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin’s face.

This revolution - will it be a living?' 'We must hope so. Look, I have to go, I'm visiting a client. He's going to be hanged tomorrow.' 'Is that usual?' 'Oh, they always hang my clients. Even in property and matrimonial cases.

This shows you that even mistakes are sometimes valuable, so do not be hard on grown-up people if they are wrong sometimes.

This was after stew. But then, so is everything. When the first man crawled out of the slime and went to make his home on land, what he had for dinner that night was stew.

This was fast becoming messy war with our hall now covered in foam and a puddle of green slime...

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be.

This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.

THIS YOU WILL READ, he said. Cyril peered myopically at the 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do' in heavy gothic script. Somewhere in his tiny mad chicken mind a very distinct and chilly understanding formed that he'd better learn to read very, very quickly.

Thorne scoffed. “Careful is my middle name. Right after Suave and Daring.” “Do you even know what you're saying half the time?” asked Cinder.

Those are parallel! Leave me alone!

Those that know, do not need explanations, and those that do not, would not understand any explanations.

Those who can, teach; those who can't, criticize.

Those who sleep before darkness and those who wake before dawn are mere citizens of a restless society. ~Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

Thou art sore troubled in mind for the people in the world’s sake: loves thou that people better than he that made them?

Though I thought there weren't any words any more, only fucking signifiers. And since texts have no objective univocal meaning, I feel sure that when I call you a bunch of moronic cunts you will be able to decode that sequence of sequential signifiers with the appropriate emancipated subjectivity.

Though people sort of need your permission to talk to you, they do not really need one to talk about you.

Thou hast given a right judgment, but why judge thou not thyself also?

Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. “You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.

Three,' reckoned the captain, 'ourselves make seven, counting Hawkins, here. Now, about honest hands?' Most likely Trelawney's own men," said the doctor; 'those he had picked up for himself, before he lit on Silver.' Nay,' replied the squire. 'Hands was one of mine.' I did think I could have trusted Hands,' added the captain.

Throughout my life people have constantly told me to 'be careful', to 'take care' and to 'mind how I go'. They may just be figures of speech, but they always seem such stupid things to say to someone. I feel like saying "Thanks for the timely reminder-I was just about to walk up the road naked and blindfolded into oncoming traffic

Throughout time, we, as cats, have been worshipped by lower beings such as humans. Nothing has changed.

Thursday morning. I usually let my Mum wake me up but today I have set my alarm for seven. Even from under my duvet, I can hear it bleating on the other side of my room. I hid it inside my plastic crate for faulty joysticks so that I would have to get out of bed, walk across the room, yank it out of the box by its lead and, only then, jab the snooze button. This was a tactical manoeuvre by my previous self. He can be very cruel.

Thy heart had gone too far in this world, and think thou to comprehend the way of the most High?

Tiffany jumped when she saw a balloon sail up above the trees, catch the wind, and swoop away, but it turned out to be just a balloon and not a lump of excess Brian. She could tell this because it was followed by a long scream of rage mixed with a roar of complaint: “AAaargwannawannaaaagongongonaargggaaaaBLOON!” which is the traditional sound of a very small child learning that with balloons, as with life itself, it is important to know when not to let go of the string. The whole point of balloons is to teach small children this.

Time cleaning was less time reading, so I usually just did the minimal amount, and left it for another day, a day that would never come.

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist !

Time flies when you grow fangs and fur.

Time, plenty of it came to the rescue here: Kelly was to engage in self-expression. In Jake's vocabulary this was a vague term applied to activities like swearing and children's art but in the present context it evidently meant something more specific. The girl at once left her chair, sat down on one of the more affluent patches of carpet and clasped her knees.

Time to start getting more sleep. This beautiful physique needs royal treatment.

Time tends to pass you by more quickly when you take no notice of it, my dear. In that, it's remarkably similar to most women I know.

Tiny," Sanya rumbled to Michael, clenching a demonstrative fist. "But fierce.

Time travel is complicated, or so we think, since we have not yet managed to actually figure out how to do it.

Tionnax are always boasting that they were once annax.” Heartan, Viddion marah.

Tip for the day: never eat a bible when you're starving to death.

To ask a man whether or not he has a girlfriend is to talk about his sex life. If you disagree with that, then how in the name of God do you differentiate between a man’s girlfriend and a girl that is a friend to the man?

Tis good to laugh. Yer gotta laugh and laugh out loud,” said the leprechaun. “You can cry if you want to but laughin’s better.

Tis not fair, you know. I have no life left, not even enough to get up, and you are footslogging around this chamber as if you have fire under your…” She paused. “My what?” He was grinning at her. “Your big feet.” He laughed loud and heartily and tossed the towel aside. “You know what the old wives say about big feet.

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

To comedians and humorists, God is laugh.

To come with a well-informed mind is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman especially, if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.