Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Der Papst ist der einzige Konzern-Vize, der seinen Chef nie zu sehen bekommt. Nicht einmal bei der Weihnachtsfeier.

Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek.

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

Detective Inspector Eccles sighed. He may ordinarily have met his sigh with the question of why the newly appointed Superintendent Dickinson was turning up to this late hour crime scene, he may also ordinarily question why his superior officer was dressed as Julius Caesar, in full tunic and green leafy wreath, yet ever since the new and youngest-ever-appointed superintendent had arrived at the Met it had been all too clear he was an officer who didn’t quite do things by the eBook.

Det skal Luftwaffe ha: Da de knuste våre bygninger, erstattet de dem ikke med noe mer provoserende enn ruiner. Vi gikk enda lenger. (Om pariserhjulet London Eye, gjendiktet av Torbjørn Færøvik)

Deux choses sont infinies : l’Univers et la bêtise humaine. Mais, en ce qui concerne l’Univers, je n’en ai pas encore acquis la certitude absolue.

Dez cringed as her boss slammed his door closed. But before she could walk away, he snatched it open again. “And I better not see your ass until after the New Year!” He slammed it again. Dez glared at Bukowski as she headed back to her desk. “I didn’t even do anything.” “You did ask her if she killed Petrov. I think your exact words were, ‘You whacked him, didn’t you? You sadistic bitch.

Dice il professore che l’umanità si divide in quelli che si fanno la doccia e in quelli che si fanno il bagno.

Did god make man too perfect, So that a piece has to be removed through circumcision?

Did he know she could barely think, let alone speak, for awareness of proximity of his fingers? Of course he knew. He was a rake. This is what he did.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you that staring at someone in the way you are for too long is almost as rude as pointing at them?” BAM…WAM AND ALAKAZAM. It was out before I could stop myself.

Dickhead. He makes a beeline for Kate, not even seeing the other women who are right in front of him. Tunnel vision. He wants her bad. Where have I seen the look on his face before? Oh, yeah. In the mirror.

Did I say stab of Self Pity? No, I was trekking through the Swamp of Self Pity at this point, waist deep in my own stinking shit.

Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?” Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?” “No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.” She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?” “Was never much of a team player.” “Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?” “Not that into human sacrifice.” “Suffering in silence?” I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.” - Charley to Cookie

Did I hear things, or can that little dog speak?” said Dibbler. “He says he can’t,” said Victor. Dibbler hesitated. The excitement was unhinging him a little. “Well,” he said, “I suppose he should know.

Did not the souls also of the righteous ask question of these things in their chambers, saying, "How long shall I hope on this fashion?" when cometh the fruit of the floor of our reward?

Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.

Did you think to have me against a tree in Hyde Park? On a public footpath?” “I was not exactly thinking,” he said. “And how could you expect me to, under the onslaught of you?” She rolled her eyes and turned away and marched down the footpath. “I can’t believe you’re playing injured innocence. Did I throw myself at you, my lord?” “No, and it’s extremely inconsiderate of you not to, when I’ve taken such great pains to make myself attractive to you. Why must I always be the one to make advances? Why can’t you make a little more effort?

Dios mio, I think my brother lost his balls somewhere between here and Mexico. Or maybe Brittany has them zipped inside that fancy purse (of hers).

Disco. God damn it Lewis.

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.

Does bad luck come in 3's...or is it multiples of 3?

Does Playboy still run fiction?” “I have absolutely no idea, Melinda,” he said, grinning.

Doctor doctor, what do you say, lets put the id back in yid

Doesn’t he look just like a ring wraith?” she said thoughtfully. “Are you kidding?” replied Cathy, “I most certainly won't be carol singing at your door this Christmas if you've got one of those ugly things hanging on it!” “No, from Lord of the Rings,” said Sue impatiently. “I'm sorry,” snorted Cathy, “I don't watch pornographic material." “Have you never read a book?!” Sue snapped. “It's about a small man who travels through dangerous lands to drop a ring into a volcano, it's a classic.” “Does sound like a small man,” she replied, “can't even face his marriage problems full on.

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?

Do me a favor, doc?" "Anything, Captain." "Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it." "Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir." -Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus

Dolchyme: "It's...just that....we don't get many of your kind around here. Stormling folk and all that. Anadyr: "I'm a Storm Lord, actually." Dolchyme: "Sheesk - if I'm not in the presence of royalty then.

Do not demean yourself by stating the ridiculous," Grimalkin replied smoothly. Just because my species is vastly superior does not mean you should flaunt your idiocy freely. I know why you are here, dog." "Really", Puck called, craning his head to look up at the cat. "Well then, would you like to share your theory, furball?

Do not mislead Perez Anna or malign the people who have sheltered you for over twenty years. We are not - what is the word for eaters of one another?" "Capitalists," said Anna.

Do not oversleep and miss the school bus- you'll be late. That's a habit teachers generally don't appreciate. Never tell your friends at school that you still wet your bed. They are sure to tease you, and you'll wish that you were dead. Never call your teacher a name when she's not near you. Teachers' ears are excellent, so they can always hear you. Do not read a textbook when your hands aren't clean-it's tricky to separate the pages when the pages get real sticky. When you go out for a team it's always wise to practice. When you are a substitute, the bench can feel like cactus. Do not copy homework from a friend who is a dummy. If you do, I'm sure that you will get a grade that's crummy. And if your report card's bad, don't blame it on your buddy. Kiss up to your parents quick, or they might make you study.

Dont act like you are walking around with a Tshirt that says "I give Up!" on the front and on the back saying "I never started trying!" People can bring you down, situations happen, YOU can feel like Life is the shittiest thing to deal with. BLAH BLAH BLAH.. If you're walking through Hell, keep going! Everyday there's a new challenge. Face it! Deal with it! Move on! To every problem there is a solution or a way around it.. Stop being a sour mongral and think life owes you something.. No one will do anything for you these days. Start fighting. Get rid of ALL the shit people in your Life. Grow some balls of steel and work progressively through everything. Step by Step or what ever mad method you have to get you back in line again. Who cares, if people don't like you, BURN that mother of a bridge down. It was never meant to be.. Build New ones! Many roads to cross and new paths on life to Explore.. It starts with YOU.. And if people want to judge you, tell them to F/O and look in the mirror. Time for a new game.. It's called "Take over the World" WHOOOP WHOOOP!!

Don't ask me who's influenced me. A lion is made up of all the lambs he's digested, and I've been reading all my life.

Don't fuckin' sleep on yourself

Don’t call me an idiot,” I hiss, smiling apologetically at the old couple who are now dividing their attention between us and the carol singers. “I can do what I want and if I want to walk naked through London at three in the morning then I’m going to do it and it’s got nothing to do with you.” His lips twitch and I know that he’s trying not to smile. “Nell, I will never complain if you want to walk around naked, but you’ve got to know that I’m going to be following you with your coat for when you get cold.” “Why?” I ask in exasperation. “Why are you so bothered?” “I don’t know,” he whispers. “I don’t know why, but I am.

Don't go getting offended my friend, I have much worse things to say to you.-Ad'Dam, Journey from Atremes

Don't look at me like that. This is a book about a sex scandal: did you really expect me to be a nun and/or the Virgin Mary?

Don’t kill her! Only maim her a little!

Don't let politeness interelfere with truth

Don't lose today by worrying about tomorrow!!!

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

Don't panic and carry a towel

Don't Stop Believing

Don't just live your life, set it on fire!

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

Don't mind Russ," he says. "He's a good kid underneath all those holes, although it's a wonder he doesn't spring a leak when he drinks

Don't tell the guys at Trinity Broadcast Network, but financial prosperity is not the primary indicator of God's blessing. Think back to the garden. What was the greatest blessing that God gave to Adam and Eve? The greatest blessing was living in God's very presence, knowing him, and worshipping him.

Don't think because you can't affect something at a great level that God can't use you in a great way. David didn't even train one day with the armies but He won the war. He didn't even have a weapon but he killed a giant.

Don't worry about side-effects. Most sport supplements have no effect at all. But yet, I would like to highlight three that are scientifically sound and awesome placebos when neatly packaged.