Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I'd like to pull up my pants.

You can't conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affections.

You can't disappoint what God has appointed.

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

You can’t give or take ten elephants, boss,” said M’Bu firmly. He knew that counting elephants was a precision job. A man might be uncertain about how many wives he had, but never about elephants. Either you had one, or you didn’t.

You can’t fight if you’re drunk,” she nagged. You’ve clearly never been on a battlefield. Or in a pub, for that matter.

You can't judge a book by its cover," he said. "No," said Watts. "But you can tell how much it's gonna cost!

You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL. 'What if she cuts herself?' THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

You can't love me if you don't love you, you can't think of nothing to do with me if you can't think of nothing to do with yourself, stop feeling sorry for yourself and tidy up, clean up the apartment until you get a house, do that job until you build your own company. Look at what you have and think on how to make it better.

You can’t possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk.” Meg’s smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.

You can’t possibly be afraid of trees.

You can't take a crash course in comedy, there is no crash course in comedy.

You can win war without fighting and you must not fight a war in order to win. The battle is of the Lord.

You can’t spell American without “I can.

You can't stop satan from doing his job; his job is to steal, kill and destroy but don't let him stop you from doing your own job; and your job is to bind and lose his stronghold. His job is to destroy you and your job is to destroy him too. Cast him out.

You couldn’t ever be off your guard with this boy. Even when you had just saved his soul and begun to trust him, he would spring a rotten question on you and drag you all the way down to perdition.

You could’ve turned the air conditioning on!” Evaline said from down the hall. “Oh! You let Sophie turn the AC on but I can’t!” Paisley shouted back. “You’re surrounded by spirits! You should be cold enough!” - Evaline

You curse a lot.' 'Fuck you - I hardly curse at all.

You dance?” “I think that might be overly optimistic,” he said. “I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

You do not love me; you love my success!

You do not know the madness of scholarly curiosity, Mr Webster. To be interested, and at the same time disinterested…

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

You don't have to feel grateful in order to be grateful.

You don't have to position yourself in front of people to be used by God. You don't have to convince anyone that you are good enough for the voice of God, just be grateful that God chooses who He wills and once He is ready to use you, no devil in hell can stop Him.

You don’t like me, do you?” she asked suddenly and pathetically, just like a small child. Sergei did not look at her but merely said, “What makes you think that?” “It is normal to try to make conversation while in the car with someone, isn’t it?” “Oh, well, my English is only average,” he lied. “Maybe, but I speak Russian,” she persisted Sergei grunted. “What, your Russian is only average too?” she said, raising an eyebrow.

You don't wait till your case become terminal before you ask for a doctor. If you wait till it becomes incurable you will die without knowing your right. Spiritually put; you don't wait until you have problem before you pray. Pray without ceasing for you do not know when the problem will come. If you can bind headache you can bind cancer. If you can bind fever, you can equally bind ulcer. If you can loss a mentally dreaded man, you can loss and raise the dead.

You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis." The girls stared. "Syphilis?" "Five percent of people in America have it," said Ty helpfully. "I do not have syphilis," Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!" "Sorry," Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain.

You don`t understand the importance of the Theophanine Chess Set, do you? What did you learn in school, Evaline?" Mina Holmes, The Chess Queen enigma

You dress her in a wet T-shirt and make her carry the bags? Damn, Cade, I like how you roll" - Rok

You feel like you're cursed. Death follows you wherever you go and you feel completely abandoned. You wish it would all end for you. You think that death would be a release, yet something compels you forward." The blood drained from Gabe's face as he listened to Uri speak. "You're not alone, Gabe, there are many more like us and we want to help you.

You forget yourself, your lordship. You have no rights to allow or disallow anything I may choose to do. You have, in fact, no claim over me whatsoever – a circumstance for which I thank the Lord on a daily basis! I am neither your ward nor your dependent, and I will not allow you to talk to me in that odiously overbearing fashion. You are the most obnoxious and conceited man alive, and I cannot wait to be gone from England and from you!

…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.

You Englishmen,’ said Herr Wurter. ‘You are all the same. Wherever you are you behave as if you were at home and your word was law.

You go to church to respect God, not the priest. By not going to church, you disrespect God, not the priest. - Don Camillo

You got someone else courting you?" "No." The fork she'd been scrubbing slid from her hand, returning to the murky depths. "But then, I wasn't sure I had you courting me, either. I seem to recall you expressing a number of objections to my suitability in the past.

You groped my bum!” “It was an accident.” “It was not. You haven’t done anything accidental with that hand since you were twelve.” “Fifteen, Mabes. You make me sound like some kind of infant sex prodigy.

You have a standing invitation to experience God's presence but you have to pay attention because attention creates access.

...You haven't I suppose ever mixed with politicians at close quarters. They're awful...their stupidity is inhuman.

You haven't been fired," Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting fired?" Don't say the pens, don't say the pens, don't say the pens . . . "I've nicked loads of pens." "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

You have savings?" she was astonished. As a woman who lived on the very extreme edges of her budget, whose credit card bills were a source of monthly concern, the idea of savings was just so alien. But then this was Ed, a different kind of person altogether. "Why do I know nothing about your savings?" she'd asked. "I wonder!" he'd answered with a smile. "Maybe because I don't want my savings to be translated into "really great investments" like Miu Miu shoes or Hermès handbags.

You honkies want women to be like cookies, all sweet and dainty and easy to eat. But I'm fry bread, you bitch, and I'm proud of it.

You hit me again," I said, growing oddly annoyed. "Ya think?" Evil Riggs said. Smart-ass. "Part of my brain hurts. I demand to know what that part of my brain is called and what its job is.

You," I surmised, and gestured round. "Thank you." "No," he denied. His pale hair floated out from beneath his cap in a halo as he shook his head. "But I assisted. Thank you for bathing. It makes my task of checking on you less onerous. I'm glad you're awake. You snore abominably." I let this comment pass. "You've grown." I observed. "Yes. So have you. And you've been sick. And you slept quite a long time. And now you're awake and bathed and fed. You still look terrible. But you no longer smell. It's late afternoon now. Are there any other obvious facts you'd like to review?

Youir're doing this wrong.

You know, bullying," her mother began. "I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied." "Oh, God!" Arista groaned. "It's My Space or Facebook. Not Myface.

You know, I once read a book about people who practiced polygamy. One man with several wives. Crazy. I was just in a room with eight very unhappy woman and I have no idea why anyone would choose that.

You know what.” Adam said, his voice superbly controlled. “I think your last comment is the smartest thing I've ever heard you say. I can’t tell you how glad I am that you’ve tricked me because, if you hadn’t, then I wouldn’t know what I do know now. For that reason, I thank you.” At hearing his answer, Grace’s reaction, as was everyone else’s, was priceless. They were beyond stunned, although she couldn’t help but let slip a sense of curiosity. “W…what do you know?” Grace asked, her brow furrowed. She was as puzzled as she was intrigued. So were all the others. Adam simply smiled knowingly. “The fact that no one alive WOULD want to go out with me.” And with that, Adam didn’t give anyone any further opportunity to speak. Instead, he parted those gathered around him in dumbfounded stupification with lethargic ease, flicked open his phone and called the person who had appeared in his mind, before heading off to find the one being who had and would always have his heart.

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.

You know what's awkward?" David asked, the corner of his mouth lifting. "Our entire existences?" Now the grin was real. "That," he acknowledged. "And when you make a big, dramatic gesture because you think you're going to die, and then you-" "Don't die," I finished for him, and he nodded. "Exactly. Not that I'm not one hundred percent psyched that we didn't die, but...

You know, when I very first transformed into the creature that I am, I found out that I could smell fear. Ironwheel, you seem to have a great deal of it lingering from you.” I said calmly. “This is kind of like a student being punished by the principal. However it is not principal with the “pal” it should be the one spelled p-r-i-n-c-p-l-e. So, it is where the “student” is being punished by the principle of justice.