Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Not a few millions of parents strongly hope that their own children will step in by instantly becoming their own parents’ foster parents, if and when the parents reach their second childhood.

No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet." "Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally." "I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down.

No single bad person regards themselves as a bad person.

No, she laughed." How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time, it sounds like neighing — yet people are perpetually doing it in novels. If they did it in real life they would be locked up.

Not all good things are good for us.

Not but what he deserves a sharp lesson! He very nearly made me drop these unfortunate kittens, mauling me about in that detestable way! There is *nothing* I dislike more!' 'I agree that he needs a lesson. I should rather suppose it to have been his first attempt. He ought, of course, to have got rid of the livestock,' said Damerel, taking the basket out of her hand, and setting it down, 'for while you were preoccupied with their safety what could he expect but a rebuff?

Note: orc buoyancy is limited. Avoid fighting the damnable rebels near shoddily-built dams in the future.” – Extract from the journal of Dread Emperor Malignant II

Not everyone who talks less or keeps quiet whenever they are with or around you does that because they find you interesting or knowledgeable; some people do that because they find you boring or ignorant.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

Not going to walk me to the door?" I asked, pretending to be shocked at his lack of gallantry. "Of course I am. many would think that a bonny lass such as yerself wouldst be able to stay out of trouble for a distance of fifteen feet, but I know better." "Did you just use the words yerself and wouldst in the same sentence? You can't be a pirate and a courtier at the same time, Dev. It just isn't done.

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Not everything happens for a reason; we claim that it does for a reason: to console ourselves.

Nothing great is ever accomplished by following standards.

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Nothing is over in my life when Christ is above it. Anything higher than me is still below the feet of Christ. I am not born again to be burnt, I am born again to be born again so that I may live in peace and joy that comes only from God.

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

Nothing more likely,"said Hannasyde. "I've got to try and rattle him." "It's him that'll do the rattling,"said the Sergeant darkly. "he's the nearest thing to a snake I've seen outside of the Zoo.

No time for jokes," Nakamura said. "Is Neil there?" "Let's just say I'm Sleeping Beauty's personal assistant right now." "I guess that makes you Waking Ugly?" "I thought you said this was no time for jokes. That was a joke, right?

Not sweet like fruits, the heart of a maiden is a little sour.

Not one of the boys like me. I’ve put their noses out of joint.” “Well, they were never good-looking lads.

No! Wait! I've got a better idea..." "Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock." "And your point is..." "Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.

Not that my regularly scheduled life was so great, but it beat getting judged unworthy by twelve bearded guys named Erik.

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.

Now kneel, fools, and witness my ascension to GODHOOD!” – Last words of Dread Empress Sinistra IV, the Erroneous

Now, my sister has been called a lot of things:sweet, kind, a living Disney princess, but none of those things imply that she would ever date someone just for his money.

Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.” “Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.” Alec spit his water back into his glass.

Now what?” asked Fat Charlie. “Shall we all join hands and contact the living?

Now wait a second..." Kenneth butted in. "Yeah, we haven't asked you the questions yet," Brandon finished for Kenneth. "Yeah, like what are your intentions toward our little Ryan," Patrick added, smirking. "What do you do for a living?" Brandon added. "Can you support Ryan's shoe fetish?" Kenneth threw his question in too. "Hmm, okay, here are my answers. I plan on feeding him, dancing with him and God willing fucking him until he can't walk straight. I help infertile chickens have baby chickens, and I think so. I'm hoping his feet are about my size. We can share shoes and everything," Phillip answered.

Now there, thought Galia, is the real root of the problem: upset over an unfulfilled vegetable promise.

Now, where will I come by a book on etiquette? You wouldn't know if his lordship's got on win the library, would you, love?' Her colour somewhat heightened, she disengaged herself from his embrace, saying: 'No, but I shouldn't think so. He has one about ranks and dignitaries and orders of precedency: is that what you mean?' 'Nay, that's no use to me! I want one that'll tell me how to behave correctly.' 'I am well aware that you are trying to roast me,' said Anthea, resigned to this fate, 'and also that you don't stand in any need of a book on etiquette - though one of *propriety* wouldn't come amiss!' 'I'm not trying to roast you!' declared Hugo. 'I want to know how long you must be acquainted with a lass before it's polite to propose to her!

Now, whatever you do, don't say anything, because no one must know that Liberace is gay." "Excuse me?" I said. "I'm eight. I know he's gay.

Now you're just being silly. He's a mercenary- he's not going to go about penning love letters, and really, what would he write? 'Anna...love you...grrr?'" Olivia to Annalia

Number 1 is perhaps not the ideal. It is there for the one behind, the number 2. Mr 2 would learn a whole lot more being who he is than ever being Mr 1. Perhaps there is more to the phrase ‪#‎OddOneOut‬.

Number me the things that are not yet come- gather me together the dross that are scattered abroad- make me the flowers green again that are withered- Open me the places that are closed, and bring me forth the winds that in them are shut up- shew me the image of a voice: and then I will declare to thee the thing that thou labor to know.

Och, away now, Ruari. You'll be telling us you're not knowing who that woman is next! Man, man, that's an awful affliction.” A grey-bristled, weather-beaten face beamed back at him. “And isn't it you that's making the drives in her car at the dead of night, too?” A female voice joined in from behind the sweets jars: “Oh my, Ruari ... 'tis a terrible thing the guilt of the carnal pleasures!” “I haven't had any carnal pleasures ... I simply got a lift home. You're terrible, right enough,” he defended himself.

Odessa sighed. 'When I said you were one of the smartest people in the company, I was referring solely to your technical abilities. Now get to work.

Of all the things I expected to find in my lunch, a live snake wasn't one of them.

Of course, if we do find the Great Glom, we will see other gloms as well," said Dottia. "I mean, he will not exist alone, will he? Mythic creatures like him are often spoken of as if they did exist alone, and they were born unique, hatched from a singular egg, out of nowhere, with no parents, mate or offspring. He will have a female glom as his wife, his own glom children, and an entire race of gloms as his subjects." "Certainly, he will, I agree," said Klubbe.

Of course I have had to rearrange the text a bit— bugger about with it, as Hébert would say.

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

Of course a humanoid who can all-encompassingly be described by the word 'dick' produces offspring. Self-evident in hindsight.

Of course, only Americans can name a shop In-n-Out Burger without collapsing into a heap of dirty sniggers. You know the difference between them and us? To us, a double entendre means only one thing; to them, it means absolutely nothing.

Of course they were eaten,” he retorted, his eyes flashing in cold humour. “Trolls generally aren’t exactly renowned for being vegetarians.

Offence is an event, offended is a decision. Offence and offended we have to live through it but to stay offended? To live in that place denies the very nature of the salvation that you claimed to have received.

Of the 2,639,857 faggots in the New York city area, 2,639,857 think primarily with their cocks. You didn't know that the cock was a thinking organ? Well, by this time, you should know that it is.

Ohan, as your doctor, I have to remind you that your body has only had to digest nutrient paste for some time, adopting other foods will take some adjustment.' His cheeks puffed wide. 'But as your - as your friend, there is no way I'd rather spend my afternoon than cooking a meal for you. With you, even, if you'd like.

Oh—and you need to work on making my opinion more important than Josh’s, too. I know it’s a stretch—he’s your most intimate relationship to date, but when you’re balls deep in my ass, I’d prefer you not be wondering if it counts as a workout.

Oh be careful! There they go again!" said the old queen as his string broke spilling his balls over the floor.... "Stop them will you, James, you worthless old shit! Don't just stand there and let the master's balls roll into the coal-bin!

Of what use is my going to church every day and still come home and remain the same? Of what use is my attending the mosques and the next day I enter the mall with knives and start slaughtering people in the name of religion. God is a God of variety. He was not stupid creating all of us different with our uniqueness. His creating us different shows the level of His creativity. He didn't make you white to hate black or vice versa. He made it so that we can cherish and love each other irrespective of our differences just as He loved us with all our flaws and our short comings. Can we forgive those who have offended us? Yes and some will say no but never forget that you are not worthy but God still forgives you even till the last hour of your life. If God can love us against all our atrocities why can't we learn to love one another. Take a look around you, you can only see sad faces. Was that really God's intention for us on earth? Absolutely not. But we have remoulded God's creativity to suit our taste and lifestyles and now we are reaping the fruit of our labour. You should not expect to reap love when you sowed the seed of hatred. What a man sows that he reaps. We sowed on weapons of war and we are yielding war in return. We have sowed on weapons of destruction so why are we asking for peace. If you ask me....I will say let's go back to our source. He has never lost any battle. I am a living witness.