Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Me and my old man went on a coach trip to Switzerland and Italy once and it was a whole hour further on there. Must be something to do with this Common Market. I don't hold with the Common Market and nor does Mr. Curtain. England's good enough for me.

Meet Logan Jackson, smug, self-entitled, proud, arrogant, trust-fund brat.

Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one of these arrogant, stupid morons to settle down with and marry.

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

- Mennyit fizetek én neked? - Eddig még semmit, Prizma nagyúr. - Na, akkor azt kétszerezd meg!

Men," she said rueful, "are the most absurd creatures on this green earth." "But there are camels," Gabriel pointed out. "Believe me," she answered. "I've taken camels into consideration.

Meow.

Mercer,” Polly says, “we are now going to hug. As a group. The experience will be very un-English. It will be good for you. Do not speak, at all, especially not in an attempt to diffuse the emotional intensity of the situation.” They hug, somewhat awkwardly, but with great feeling. “Well,” Mercer says, after a moment, “that was certainly—” “I will hit you with a shovel,” Polly Cradle murmurs.

Merrick and I had both had tattoos, my magpie and his elephant and castle, imposed on us as…it’s a long story. A reward, or apology, or both, from the Dragon Head, or grand master, of one of the larger criminal organisations in China after we accidentally saved his son’s life.” “Accidentally?” “It’s a VERY long story.

Merrick swilled down the rest of his ale. A strange heat traveled from his belly to loins to his head. ’Twas like his blood came alive.… …Since Clio was the bride, they toasted her lips, and her hips. They drank to her eyes, and her thighs. Her luscious meal fare and her glorious hair. Her small nose and her bare toes. But even Merrick was surprised when he himself stood and bellowed, “Here’s to Lady Clio with her mouth full of sass.” … He grinned, then raised his cup high. “And her small, tight ass.

Men will always be boys.

Mercy', Finnikin said, grinning from ear to ear. 'We're going to have a bed full of children and I'll have to holler out to my wife, "Hello there! It's been a long time since we last spoke!

Merry Christmas!

Michael and Luke met for the first time after 106 years – although the pair lived just 20 miles away from each other.

Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.

...methinks the older that one grows, Inclines us more to laugh the scold, though laughter Leaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

Michael tousled my hair and said, "Remember, no more skateboards, right?" And then this gem: "If you ever break your arm skateboarding again..." He paused, flashing me a dimpled Charles Ingalls grin, which then suddenly disappeared. "I'll break the other one.

— Mi lenne, ha nyomnánk egy kis Adidas-reklámot? – kérdezte Percy. – Szerintetek Niké bepörögne tőle és előjönne? Leo idegesen mosolygott. Talán mégis van valami közös benne és Percyben: a fárasztó humor

Met mijn eerste scheikundedoos blies ik mijn hond op, met de tweede doos mijn kamer, met de derde ons huis.

Midnight ... Stare at screen. Vaguely aware right hand has hit keys to open new file. Start breathing very slowly. Write 1,943 words. Bed. For a day there, thought we weren't going to make it.

Millions of sane people would each be sexually attracted to their own parent or child if they were not related to them.

@mink: Well, you’re in luck, if you pick another movie. My hair is clean, I usually eat dinner around eight, and I’m currently single. Not that it matters.

Mirabeau: “If you have been told to clear us from this hall, you must ask for orders to use force. We shall leave our seats only at bayonet point. The King can cause us to be killed; tell him we all await death; but he need not hope that we shall separate until we have made the constitution.” Audible only to his neighbor, he adds, “If they come, we bugger off, quick.

Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it.

Miss O'Hara - I must tell you something. I - I love you!' 'Um?' said Scarlett absently.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

Mission accomplished' I said. Pudge my friend we are indefuckingstructable.

Miss Runcible wore trousers and Miles touched up his eye-lashes in the dining-room of the hotel where they stopped for luncheon. So they were asked to leave.

Mma Ramotswe tucked the cheque safely away in her bodice. Modern business methods were all very well, she thought, but when it came to the safeguarding of money there were some places which had yet to be bettered.

Miss Taverner took the whip and reins in her hands, and mounted into the driving-seat, scorning assistance. "Take your orders from Miss Taverner, Henry," said the Earl, getting up beside his ward. "Me Lord, you are never going to let a female drive us?" said Henry almost tearfully. "What about my pride?" "Swallow it, Henry," replied the Earl amicably.

Mmmmmm I like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

Momentarily forgetting how wind works, Lex tried spitting at him. This failed

Mom,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “Listen to me very carefully, okay? And don’t freak.” “Dez, do not start a conversation like that. It doesn’t instill me with any amount of confidence—especially when it comes from you.

Mom Voice - A mother's vocal range when even the neighbours will clean their rooms and eat their veggies.

Money's scarce Times are hard Here's your fucking Xmas card

Monseigneur, I have killed you! You are dead! You are dead!" You display an unseemly joy," he remarked. "I had no notion you were so bloodthirsty.

More often than not, an inspirational or motivational speaker is someone who makes money from telling us that we can do all of the things that we can do … and pretty much all of the things that we cannot do.

More often than not, expecting to lose weight without first losing the diet that made the weight loss necessary is like expecting a pig to be spotless after hosing it down while it was still rolling in mud.

More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.

Moons have passed since last we met, battles fought and enemies fallen. At the bridge of Anrag I took fifteen heads. I overthrew the tyrant Dagrud War-Scythe and took his cattle as tribute to my skill. It was a glorious day.’ ‘Sounds pretty wild. I’m having a new patio put down. You and me both, eh?’ ‘Square slabs or crazy paving?’ ‘Square slabs.

More polar bears live in Canada than in the rest of the world combined, which raises the question, Why the hell did we choose the beaver as our national emblem? We could have had Nanuk of the North, Lord of the Arctic, as our symbol. Instead we got stuck with Squirrelly McTeeth. Sheesh.

Most adults are knowledgeable to a child, but ignorant for their age.

Morning, noon & bloody night, Seven sodding days a week, I slave at filthy WORK, that might Be done by any book-drunk freak. This goes on until I kick the bucket. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT

Most if not all sexually active people do not really love having sex; they merely love experiencing an orgasm every now and then.

Most human beings would have never been pained by the death of a human being if they had never seen a human being or pretending to be pained by that.

Most human beings strongly believe that money is way less important than the life of a human being, but in reality five hundred, fifty, or even five dollars are way more important to the lives of most human beings than the lives of most human beings.

Most of us cling to life as if our existence were a result of our deed or choice.

Most of the very few people who would choose a good heart over riches would eventually use that to either make a lot of money, or attract men or women who are rich.