Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, “absolutely fine doctor, but I’m terribly lonely without myself.

The division seems rather unfair," I remarked. "You have done all the work in this business. I get a wife out of it, Jones gets the credit, pray what remains for you?" "For me," said Sherlock Holmes, "there still remains the cocaine-bottle." And he stretched his long white hand up for it.

The door's locked," said the Fool. "There's all sorts of noises, but the door's locked." "Well, it's a dungeon, isn't it?" "They're not supposed to lock from the inside!

The earliest intelligence of the travellers' safe arrival at Antigua, after a favourable voyage, was received; though not before Mrs. Norris had been indulging in very dreadful fears, and trying to make Edmund participate them whenever she could get him alone; and as she depended on being the first person made acquainted with any fatal catastrophe, she had already arranged the manner of breaking it to all the others, when Sir Thomas's assurances of their both being alive and well made it necessary to lay by her agitation and affectionate preparatory speeches for a while.

The dressmakers have just arrived from Shylon; they are coming here to display their goods.’ ‘Really, that’s lovely.’ ‘I was wondering if I could have some money, please.’ ‘What’s the point in having your own money if you’re just going to spend mine?’ ‘Yeah, but the amount of dresses I’m planning to buy, I might not have enough.’ ‘Then buy an amount you can afford.’ Ratilla responded bearing an expression of incredulity. ‘Oh Rat.’ Tizi said as she pouted, conjuring a mournful expression. ‘I just want to look pretty, what will they say if the wife of the Imperial Chancellor is clothed in rags? I’m only trying to play my part as the wife of the great Ratilla.’ Tizi said, her eyes full of misery, as Ratilla shook his head and chuckled.

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie. How do I know that the Duchess's look said this? Because there is an excellent book in my local library entitled One Thousand Doggy Expressions Explained by Professor L. Stone. I digress.

The elf was armed with a bow, a sword, and an overwhelming sense of his own importance.

The eidolons started pounding on the door. 'Who is it?' Leo called. 'Valdez!' 'Valdez who?

The encapsulated bird your conspirators sent you to fetch. The sterilized male chicken with the Creator DNA sequences. The plot capon. Where is it?

The enemies agenda is destruction, his strategy is division and his tactics is on little differences. Mind you he is not going to be happy until he sees you divided.

The English summer is never far away; it's just above the clouds.

The entire time Albie followed Beverly around the house doing what the children referred to as “the stripper soundtrack”: Boom chicka-boom, boom-boom chicka-boom. When their mother stopped walking the soundtrack stopped. If she took a single step it was accompanied by Albie saying only “boom” in a voice that was weirdly sexual for a six-year-old.

The executioner's argument was that you couldn't cut of something's head unless there was a trunk to sever it from. He'd never done anything like that in his time of life, and wasn't going to start now. The King's argument was that anything that had a head, could be beheaded, and you weren't to talk nonsense. The Queen's argument was that if something wasn't done about it in less than no time, she'd have everyone beheaded all round. It was this last argument that had everyone looking so nervous and uncomfortable.

The fact that the person who you are sleeping with is also sleeping with another person or other people does not necessarily mean that he or she does not love you. And the fact that you are the only person who someone is sleeping with does not necessarily mean that he or she loves you.

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

The feeling of 'turning into your dad' is nothing compared to the realisation that your son is turning into you.

The first draft of your book is not something you are going to want to show anyone. Sorry! As much as you have sweated and toiled over it… it is most likely a crude assembly of scenes with a bit of a mishmash plot at best.

The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.

The first two tracks were pop songs from the 1970s, sung in Danish in a style that was best described as Abba without joy.

The forgiveness of God flows through me and because I am forgiven, I can forgive.

The flowers danced, knowing that they will die.

The Four are here. They just requested permission to enter the perimeter. I need to spell Jessa now.” I let out a large sigh. “Those assholes could not wait until after breakfast, seriously.” My parents’ horror-filled eyes locked on me. “What? A girl’s got to eat. It’s just rude.

The glamour's off. Almost any question you ask can be answered. It's only the questions that you didn't know to ask that remain, dancing the can-can behind your back. The unknown unknowns.

The gentleman had been an uncommonly affable fellow, but every time he counted to twenty (and he seemed to do so with strange frequency), he skipped the number twelve.

The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh!

The grain of evil seed had been sown in the heart of Adam from the beginning, and how much ungodliness had it brought up unto this time? and how much shall it yet bring forth until the time of threshing come?

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

The good thing about the aristocracy – German or English – was that they were easily traced, Mirabelle thought.

The good shepherd saves his sheep.

the great advantage of really contemporary fiction is that one finds oneself mirrored on every page

The great are eternally at the mercy of tiny men. And also, tiny madwomen.

the great advantage of really contemporary fiction is that one finds oneself mirror on every page

The grass on the other side of the hill may well be greener, but you should always check that there isn't something with teeth and claws crouching in it.

The greatest futility! says the congregator, "The greatest futility! Everything is futile!" What does a person gain from all his hard work- At which he toils under the sun? A generation goes and another cometh forth, but the earth remains the same.

The Hamians!' The centurion‟s voice was little better than a squeak. Julius snorted his disdain. 'What about the Hamians? Useless bow-waving women. All they‟re good for is hunting game. There‟s a war on, in case you hadn‟t noticed. We need infantrymen, big lads with spears and shields to strengthen our line. Archers are no bloody use in an infantry cohort.' He raised his meaty fist. 'No, mate, you‟re going to get what‟s coming your way.' The other man gabbled desperately, staring helplessly at the poised fist. 'There‟s two centuries of them, two centuries. Take them and the Tungrians and that‟s two hundred and fifty men.' Marcus spoke, having stood quietly in the background so far. 'So we could make a century of the best of them, dump the rest on the Second Cohort when we catch up with them and take back the century he sold them in return.' Julius turned his head to look at the younger man, keeping the transit officer clamped in place with seemingly effortless strength. 'Are you mad? There won‟t be a decent man among them. They‟ll be arse-poking, make-up-wearing faggots, the lot of them. All those easterners are, it‟s in the blood. They‟ll mince round the camp holding hands and tossing each other off in the bathhouse.

The Guti were a band of mountain barbarians. It's always the way, isn't it? Everything is blamed on 'the barbarians

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

The Greeks believed that it was a citizen's duty to watch a play. It was a kind of work in that it required attention, judgement, patience, all the social virtues." "And the Greek were conquered by the more practical Romans, Arthur." "Indeed, the Romans built their bridges, but they also spent many centuries wishing they were Greeks. And they, after all, were conquered by the barbarians, or by their own corrupt and small spirits.

The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you.

The height of a man’s wall or fence is usually a reflection of the depth or shallowness of his neighbours’ pockets.

The homeland might be lacking snakes, but it held its share of venom.

The holy stone looked for all the world like a small iron pineapple, its surface divided into squares by deep grooves, a tarnished silver-steel handle or lever held tight to the side. In ancient times the pineapple was ever the symbol of welcome, though the church used the objects in a different way. Apparently, each theological student of good family and destined for high office was given one on beginning their training and forbidden from pulling the lever on pain of excommunication. A test of obedience they called it. A test of curiosity I called it. Clearly the church wanted bishops who lacked the imagination for exploration and questioning.

The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously not actually haunted, and the sound of people upstairs moving wardrobes around when you are downstairs there and alone is probably just something that old houses do when they think they are unobserved.

The human population would probably be way less than a thousand, if ejaculation were not usually accompanied by an orgasm.

The idea that this end of philosophy— at least, of political philosophy and (I claim) moral philosophy— has close relations with history overlaps with a more ambitious view held by a consistently underestimated Oxford philosopher, R. G. Collingwood. The trouble with Collingwood’s kind of commitment is that it requires one to know some history. My two associates in the view I am sketching are Alasdair MacIntyre and Charles Taylor. They are both Roman Catholics, though of different sorts. I used to find this a disquieting fact but no longer do so. All three of us, I could say, accept the significant role of Christianity in understanding modern moral consciousness, and adopt respectively the three possible views about how to move in relation to that: backward in it, forward in it, and out of it. In any case, we all assume some historical commitments, they on a more ambitious scale than I, and perhaps there is a rather nervous competition for who writes the most irresponsible history.

The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.

The initial design called for 3 legs but the idea was dropped when the Kamasutra people threatened to resign.

The innocent little girl said at the end of her prayer "Jesus, please take care of yourself because if anything happens to you, we are all in trouble

The kangaroo has a double penis - one for week days and one for holidays.

The Jardin Massey looked dismal today, rain lashed and deserted. She watched a bedraggled pigeon, feathers puffed out, sheltering beneath a branch.She'd never made a will, never considered whether she'd rather her body was buried or burnt to grey powder. And where would she want to be buried - in a French graveyard, gaudy with plastic flowers? If she made a will, could she state an aversion to plastic?