Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Sometimes strident, often tender, never afraid and seldom without humour, Desmond Tutu's voice will always be the voice of the voiceless.

Sure, there's no 'i' in team, but there is an 'm' and an 'e'.

There's no life without humour. It can make the wonderful moments of life truly glorious, and it can make tragic moments bearable.

The humour of Dostoievsky is the humour of a barloafer who ties a kettle to a dog's tail.

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight.

The ironic humor comes from the distance between what we understand about ourselves and what is truly going on in ourselves.

The whole [Scotch] nation hitherto has been void of wit and humour, and even incapable of relishing it.

We've had a day of great drama and of humour too. The rumour mill is now taking over

The worst in life, we are told, is compatible with the best in art. So too the worst in life is compatible with the best in humour.

Through humour, we see in what seems rational, the irrational; in what seems important, the unimportant

Tod laughed. He was always able to find the humour in even the creepiest situations. I'd thought that it was an undead thing, until I became a member of the undead. Then I realized it was a Tod-thing.

We owe to one another all the wit and good humour we can command; and nothing so clears our mental vistas as sympathetic and intelligent conversation.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished!

While it is entirely untrue that Canadians lack a sense of humour, the funniest ones tend to head south: Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carrey, Michael J. Fox.

A book can give you an experience of someone’s life in a few hours, and this is far more profitable than any sale that’s going on.

A bit of useful information. My name is Victoria “call me Vicki” DeVine. I used to be Mrs. Yorick Dane, but giving up my married name was one of the conditions of my receiving valuable property—aka The Jumble—as part of the divorce settlement. Apparently the second official Mrs. Dane didn’t like the idea that someone else had had the name first. Fortunately, she didn’t seem as possessive about Yorick’s Vigorous Appendage. I could have told her that a couple dozen other women had had it before she took possession. But it wasn’t likely that she would keep solo possession of the appendage for long, so let her figure things out the hard way like I did. Of course, if she had been one of those indulgences, then she already knew the signs and might be able to nip them in the bud.

A brain the size of a pea, cannot achieve what a brain the size of a melon can!!

absinthe removes the bitter taste of failure and grants me strange visions which are charming principally because they cannot be written down. Only in absinthe do I become entirely free and, when I drink it, I understand the symbolic mysteries of odour and of colour.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead.

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

A chap’s impending death has a way of focusing the mind.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. "Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.

A dragon is a norn’s best friend. Norn saying.

A five-week sand blizzard?" said Deep Thought haughtily. "You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff.

After a lifetime of soft, easy living in the West, one's buttocks take an awful hammering out here. Backpacking around India is just one long round of sitting on bone-hard, chafing, bruising and generally uncomfortable seats-whether in buses our trains, or restaurants or cinemas. There is no such thing as a padded seat in the whole country.

After all, I was once like you are, but being the right sort I got where I am.

After all, there was something rather pleasant in knowing that you were misunderstood. It made you feel different from everyone else.

After my parents were dead, I found in a box and in two chests of drawers nothing but hundreds of bright red Alpine caps, I said, nothing but bright red Alpine stockings. Every one of them knitted by my mother. My parents could have gone into the High Alps with these bright red caps and bright red stockings for thousands of years. I burnt every one of those bright red caps and bright red stockings, I said. I put on one of my mother's hundreds of bright red Alpine caps and in this costume burnt all the others, laughing, laughing, continuously laughing, I said. (Goethe Dies, p.65)

After praying for those who have no food, pray for those who have food but have no appetite. ~Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

A funny yet interesting read, Will Self knowa his stuff and must do a lot of deep research.

Again he shook his head. The world's gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing of it. The return of corpses has become trivial in import. How quickly one accepts the incredible if only one sees it enough!

Age is only a number. Keep an active life.

Age may catch up with you, just never let it over take you.

A golden dragon. Splendid. My life expectancy has just become shorter than a gnome’s todger.

A good pig is a dead pig

A great journey, full of laughter, a few tears and lots of heart. It’s romantic and adventurous, amusing and understanding, a story to enjoy – Claire Ashton, Book Blogger.co

A great family consists of a father who is a hard nut to crack, a mother who is a hard nut to chew and children who are hard nuts to swallow. ~Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

A halo is a cock ring for the soul.

Ah, but surely you must now be saying, "waitaminute, tuna fish would go bad if you kept it in your pocket for weeks and weeks without refrigerating it." To that I simply say: You obviously haven't read Professor P.S. Schackman's informative book How to Keep Tuna Fish in Your Pocket for Weeks and Weeks Without it Going Bad. I suggest you read it before complaining about the tuna situation again.

A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.

Ah, now,” crooned Adam, “here we are, then.” With infinite care, as though he were handling a babe, he lifted the sword out, and a sigh seemed to go through him. “Ah, my lovely, it’s been far too long.” “Shall I leave you two alone, then?” Eliza’s lips twitched. She’d never seen such a look of reverence mixed with old familiarity. It was nearly indecent. Adam spared her a glance. “Quiet woman, a man’s relationship with his sword is a sacred thing.” “So I’ve heard.

Ah, shit. She’s been crying. This is not good. I swear to God, a girl crying is fucking blackmail. It just makes you feel so damn guilty – no matter if you’ve done anything wrong or not – and have the bizarre urge to make her feel better.