Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Twelve dead?” I said. “Jesus.

Turning things over and over in isolation had led me to a certain point, but I knew that to get any further I'd have to voice some ideas aloud, just to see how they sounded. But I certainly didn't go to Ellie expecting any kind of constructive input on her part. It was more that I'd hit a wall and needed someone to talk around the subject with - like when you come up against a problem that's just immune to normal logic.

Two hours later, a noise resembling a hippo rolling along a corrugated iron roof shook Jane from her doze and Rob bursts through the living room door.

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.” Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.” “And—did you say a smuggler?” “That was what the death sentences were for.

Two days ago, the Preserve received a curious visitor. Our logbook shows the signature of a Ms. Notah Reelnaym, hailing from the foreign-sounding port of Nowareneerheer, arriving at 10:00 am on the nose with a child and leaving an hour and three minutes later without one. Log notes indicate that Ms. Reelnaym spent precisely one hour touring the Preserve. Mr. Gubbens, our Chief Orphan Wrangler, reports spending that hour walking around the Preserve alone, loudly explaining Preserve policies to no one for no obvious reason. Remaining three minutes of Ms. Reelnaym’s visit unaccounted for.

Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside." "How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?" "I had one on me.

Two whores who finally found something to mother. A guy could write a book about it, he thought bitterly, call it From Hair To Maternity. It would probly be a very long book. Whores did not produce as fast as rabbits.

Ty didn't think Middleton was a great girl. He thought Middleton was a pain in the ass. Waltzing around with her shiny hair and long legs and her throaty voice, being cuter than a fistful of buttons. Where did she get off?

Ulysses was an elaborate prank, and our supposed intellectual elite continue to fall for it.

Un chef d’État de cette Europe centrale où les chefs d’État peuvent, à bon droit, craindre à chaque instant pour leur vie, avait révélé à son confident un plan mis au point au cours de centaines de nuits d’insomnie, et qui devait permettre au chef de l’État de déserter l’État que, comme tous les autres chefs d’État d’Europe centrale font avec le leur, il avait bien entendu conduit systématiquement à la ruine la plus complète (L'imitateur)

Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden.

Unanswered prayer is God’s gift … it protects us from ourselves. If all our prayers were answered we’d abuse the power … use prayer to change the world to our liking, and it would become hell on earth. Like spoiled children with too many toys and too much money, we’d grab for more. We’d pray for victory at the expense of others … intoxicated by power we’d hurt people and exalt ourselves. Isaiah said, “The LORD longs to be gracious to you … therefore He waits” (Isaiah 30:18 NASB). Unanswered prayer protects…breaks…deepens and transforms. Past unanswered prayers which left us hurt and disillusioned, act like a refiner’s fire to prepare us for future answers.’ Bottom line: pray with the right motives!

Une heure avant, je me dis toujours : "Tiens, je vais déjeuner avec Perceval, ça me fait plaisir". [...] Ça vous la coupe, ça, hein ? Bon, après, une fois que j'ai bouffé avec vous, je regrette, hein, on est d'accord. Arrivé au milieu du repas, j'ai toujours envie de vous éclater le crâne avec le tranchant de la coupe, là, vous voyez, pour vous faire... fermer votre gueule une bonne fois pour toutes... mais sinon... je vous aime.(Arthur à Perceval)

Unexpected Elizabeth wasn’t falling into his arms as he’d anticipated, even after he had acted heroic and been valiantly injured. Perhaps he had lost her.

Unless they are off duty, no matter how wide it is, and even when it is sincere, a smile seems fake if the job description of the person who is smiling includes smiling.

Unlike our minds, life is forever moving in one direction.

Unlike Panic! At The Disco, I write sins AND Tragedies.

University of Life. Year One - Advance Adventure Playgrounds. Part One Exam - go to the Third World and survive. No revision, interest, intellect or sensitivity required.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Unless you acknowledge your vulnerability for sin, you won’t pray against it and you’ll end up experiencing defeat. The most effective weapon the enemy has against you - is you

Unlike Panic! At the Disco, I write sins AND tradgedies.

Un optimiste, c'est un homme qui plante deux glands et qui s'achète un hamac.

Un livre de cuisine, ce n'est pas un livre de dépenses, mais un livre de recettes.

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Until then, carpe diem.' 'What?' 'It's Latin,' I said. 'It means, complain in daylight.

Usually after a good puke you feel better right away. We hugged each other and then said good-bye and went off to opposite ends of the hall to lie down in our own rooms. There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.

Valence passa une main sur ses yeux et quitta la fenêtre. -L'alcool est là, lui dit Néron en tendant les bras.

Vanity's contribution to Fiction in general was an abundance of cheap labour and the occasional blockbuster, which was accepted into Fiction with an apologetic 'gosh, don't know how that happened'.

Venice is a Dorian Gray city. Somewhere up there in the world's attic, there's another place with the haggard, poxed and ravaged face of unspeakable evil. And I suspect it's Cardiff.

Verily it is a foolish thought that they both have devised, for the ground is given unto the wood, and the sea also had its place to bear its floods.

Very sweetly, he always told her he loved her just the way she was. Although, honestly he had no idea. She shuddered to think what she would really look like if she stopped waxing, plucking, highlighting, manicuring, applying make-up and dressing with care and concentration.

Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand. Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed. Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down," he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence. "You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?" Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit. His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes," he said stiffly. "Besides de vings." "Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!" "Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly. Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it." ... "I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing." Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony." Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?" "Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert" ...Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica." "I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs!" Gazzy barked.

Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon. Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.

Violet sighed in the way you do when you know something bad is going to happen, but hope against hope that it won’t, but it does anyway and you realize that you always knew it would and were stupid for having made yourself believe that you could stop it.

„Visele oamenilor au oase de sticlă, atât de fragile, încât adeseori nici înşişi visătorii nu au curajul să şi le pipăie, atât de transparente, încât, atunci când le visezi, nu pe ele le vezi, ci doar pe tine prin ele. Dar hultanii, cei consacraţi şi cei în devenire, reuşesc întotdeauna să prăduiască visele altora. Le dau obsesiv târcoale, nu pentru că i-ar interesa cum arată scheletul transparent al viselor, nici pentru că, atunci când rămân singure, visele se aprind şi îşi strigă pe nume stăpânii rătăciţi, nici măcar dintr-o poftă sadică, fiindcă le-ar plăcea sunetul cristalin al osului de vis fărâmat, ci, pur şi simplu, pentru că orice carieră de hultan are nevoie de o cauză fondatoare. Chiar dacă n-au învăţat-o nicăieri – n-am auzit să existe vreo şcoală care dă doctorate în hultanism, asta e mai degrabă o vocaţie, hultanul e artist în felul lui – ei ştiu din instinct că la fundaţia oricărei opere din lumea noastră, fie şi a uneia mediocre, trebuie să îngropi un vis.

Volunteering is a great way to see how many parsimonious people there are in the world.

Waiting for a book to be published is like having a baby. It would be nine months before we heard the patter of tiny pages trotting through the letter box, and the bookcase shuffled it's shelves in boredom and I was a martyr to morning sickness.

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe... Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

Wainscott, Deepspace Operations Group,’ said the man. ‘Wasn’t here, don’t exist, pleased to meet you.

Walking the plank is a Victorian fiction, and I will not have it on my ship!

Wait, you remember that?" "Of course I remember that. You sounded like a frat boy and looked like a fucking model. What man could ever forget that?" "I would have given anything to know what you were thinking right then." "I was thinking, 'Highly fuckable intern, twelve o'clock. Disengage, soldier. I repeat, disengage.

Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain.

Watching Siri and Dtui 'run' to the administration block would have saddened even the most benevolent of athletic coaches

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD

Was it my fault that I got out of hand? --Loki

...weak of spine and flaccid of upper lip.

Watsons - It’s so exciting writing this one I got carried away with it.

Wat wel gek was: ze zeiden niks over de stank. Ik denk dat ze lief voor me wilden zijn. Ik dacht: dat klopt niet. En dus liet ik, halverwege Unstoppable, een scheet. Een chemoscheet. De hel brak los. Ze sprongen alle drie op en renden naar de keuken. 'Vergassing!' schreeuwde Bart. 'Ramen open!' schreeuwden Ward en Kevin kwam niet meer bij van het lachen.

We always think that God's presence is always provided to fix our problems but what if God's presence is more about fixing your perspectives? So that you will have a new way to see your problems. If you didn't make your bed before leaving home this morning, no angel is going to make your bed for you, it is still going to be as you left it till you come back.