Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

Everywhere that we looked, were objects & artifacts reminiscent of a bygone age. of war & destruction, of mankind's determination to rule his neighbour, to prove how mighty he and his people are, yet a romance of days past that I am drawn to like a soul lost and hearing his lovers cries to him

Every time you die, it hurts.

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

Evil is real but God is greater.

Excuse me,” she said, her voice tight. “But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail.

Excuse me, your attention please.” He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged. “For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.

Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.

Facing the backside of the future is the only way to move forward

Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel

Fabre stood up. He placed his fingertips on d‘Anton’s temples. “Put your fingers here,” he said. “Feel the resonance. Put them here, and here.” He jabbed at d’Anton’s face: below the cheekbones, at the side of his jaw. “I’ll teach you like an actor,” he said. “This city is our stage.” Camille said: “Book of Ezekiel. ‘This city is the cauldron, and we the flesh’ ...” Fabre turned. “This stutter,” he said. “You don’t have to do it.” Camille put his hands over his eyes. “Leave me alone,” he said. “Even you.” Fabre’s face was incandescent. “Even you, I am going to teach.” He leapt forward, wrenched Camille upright in his chair. He took him by the shoulders and shook him. “You’re going to talk properly,” Fabre said. “Even if it kills one of us.” Camille put his hands protectively over his head. Fabre continued to perpetrate violence; d’Anton was too tired to intervene.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. 'So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.' With a tombstone next to it.

Facebook is one of the most widely read books in the world today, yet you can’t find it in any bookshop or library. You can’t borrow or lend it. It has no beginning or end. It’s neither fiction nor non-fiction. It’s not divided into chapters. The pages are not numbered. It’s neither revised nor reprinted. It has no spine. And it doesn’t have an ISBN. A truly unique and fascinating book! ~Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

Faith and mathematics don't only bring you back to the people you love. They can also bring you to the people you hate.

Faith to challenge equals recovery. When you learn to challenge your situation God speaks.

… Farrell Kafji, who complained loudly that he had landed in the middle of a seventeenth-century field. ‘And fields then are exactly like fields right now!’ he shouted. ‘I could’ve gone down to Forsyth Park if I wanted to see a field!

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

Famine sometimes increases the number of people who are overweight.

Fancourt can't write women,' said Nina dismissively. 'He tries but he can't do it. His women are all temper, tits and tampons.

Fatigue fatigue is when you're tired of being tired.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Father has a fear of flying since that aeroplane crashed into his bedroom.

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

FEE, FI-- Magnus begins. Oh wait, I already said that, he adds.

Females and boys are the only creatures that propose others for friendship. As for the rest of us, friendship sort of just happens.

Ferguson closed his eyes, paused for a long moment, and then turned to her and said: The best thing about being fifteen is that you don't have to be fifteen for more than a year.

Ferdy choked.It took a great deal of back-slapping to restore him, and when he was at last able to catch his breath again, his eyes were watering and his countenance was alarmingly flushed. 'Well, what the deuce!' exclaimed Sherry, eyeing him in surprise. 'Crumb' gasped Ferdy. 'Crumb? You weren't eating anything!' 'Must have been,' said Ferdy feebly.

Fifty grand for a paper bucket? Well it was all about context, you see.

Finalement, le plus grand bénéfice du métier d'humoriste, et plus généralement de l'attitude humoristique, dans la vie, c'est de pouvoir se comporter comme un salaud en toute impunité, et même de pouvoir grassement rentabiliser son abjection, en succès sexuels comme en numéraire, le tout avec l'approbation générale. (La possibilité d'une île, Daniel 1,1)

Finally she spoke with a forced scepticism, “So… if those girls are witches, and I was the sacrifice - what does that make you?” “A witch-hunter.” She raised a brow, “A witch-hunter named ‘Hunter’? How very original.” Hunter sighed, “You’re a very pleasant , friendly character, aren’t you?

Finally, the intercom crackles and Hatmitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, 'And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

Finally, my cluelessness comes in handy.

Fionn eased away from a sunbeam lest it bestir the glamour that hid him from human eyes—and promptly flinched as his hand came down on something burning hot. He squinted at the small round object embedded in the mould. A thumbbone’s length across, the object was—an inch, to use the Quick Folks term Silver had drilled into them—and fluted along the edge like a crown. A perfect circle. He flipped it over cautiously, with a twig. Letters showed on top: white on red. “Coke” it read, in the script Silver had also made them learn. “Top of one of their bottles,” he growled. “Amusing, if you think of it: how they leave such dangers about, not knowing.

Fine. Let’s say you’re a traitorous, hateful coward. I’ve been celibate my entire life up until I met you, and you fuck like a porn star. Don’t you think I deserve that?

Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.

Fine. You stay here. I shall return when I’ve found food. But when you all faint from hunger later don’t think you can just feed on me.

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country." Good heavens!" cried Iliel, 'are we going to England?

Fish fiddle de-dee!

Five minutes after something happened might not be the best time for you to get into your Facebook and tell everybody. Men's panic does not produce God's power.

Five hundred years ago the notoriously savvy Henry VIII discovered an elegant way to solve both his theological problems and his personal liquidity crisis —he dissolved the monasteries and nicked all their land.

Focke's razor: Never attribute to plot holes that which is adequately explained by miracles.

Flirting with random women in a tavern? That sounds like Helios. Well, it sounds like most of the gods, actually.

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

Follow that coffeehouse.

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit from that person’s success, or be that person.

For a moment, Simon's sympathetic nervous system forgot he was arachnophobic. The sight of those spindly legs rising, like an ink drawing popping out of paper into three-dimensional space, should have caused a surge of adrenaline, a yelp of panic, and at least three feet of involuntary back-peddling.

For Beatrice - you will always be in my mind, in my heart and in your grave.