Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

We are unable to discount the hypotheses that the world began three years ago.

We are way less likely to love someone just because they love us than we are to hate someone just because they hate us.

We came from nothing, we'll leave with nothing; might as well make the most of the brief somethingness in between

We call talking about other people’s personal lives ‘gossip’ only if we aren’t or weren’t part of the conversation.

We can't all be bakers or chefs. Many of us have modest ambitions. But we can all buy a piece of the pie.

We can’t all be Byronic adventurers like you Jude. Have you been wrestling with any brigands in the mountains there?” “No, but you’ve got to watch the drivers! Funny you should mention the poetic lord. He used to take his holidays down here, you know?” “What… picking up last-minute bargains with ‘EasyFrigate’?

We come on some dangerous quest to a lost underground world and you bring ketchup?

We could all use the power of prayer now and then, but it seems to me that the people who are sure they have a direct line to heaven are most often calling collect with bad news.

We didn't do anything illegal, All we ever did was be black.. #BlackLivesMatter

We don’t like being out of the loop.” “You’re always out of the loop. The loop’s miles away. Nearest you’ll get to being in the loop is when they make a documentary about it and show it on the History Channel. I thought you were aware of that.

We envy people who are extremely old because we wish to live that long, not because we want to be that old.

We find the library world, like the real world, impossible to understand on a rational basis. We turn then to the outer reaches of our mind and treat librarianship with the irrationality that it deserves. While we most often turn to humour merely to enjoy ourselves, we do sometimes do so to make a point. That point is simply that the world of librarianship is ridiculous and that we should all take a far less serious view of our work. What we accomplish as librarians is not, after all, likely to change the world." ~ Norman D. Stevens

We go around the room, introducing ourselves. 'I'm Hamza, I'm a friend of John's, I suppose,' he says a little reluctantly. Hamza tweeted recently that Muslims should not befriend the infidel. So I'm chuffed by his declaration. A bit like when a friend's cat hates everyone but you.

We have a shit storm behind door A and a storm of shit behind door B

Weigh thou therefore their wickedness now in the balance, and theirs also that dwell the world; and so shall thy name no where be found anymore.

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

Welcome to Hell, where the living conditions went beyond crowded, the job sucked, and the pay sucked even worse. It was like living in, well, Hell.

We left dents on each other. Mine was in her heart, and hers was on my car.

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

Well, Arminius, I can’t say you’re the most natural horseman I’ve ever seen.’ Arminius sneered down at the men standing around him, then leaned out of the saddle and put a sausage sized finger in Double-Pay Silus’s face. ‘Just so we’re clear, I hate horses. Tribune Scaurus says I ride like a mule tender with bleeding piles, and that I have all the skill in the saddle of a sack full of shit. And despite that, before you open your mouth, I’m one of your thirty-one horsemen and that’s official. You don’t like it, I don’t like it, but the tribune couldn’t give a toss what either of us think. Wherever Centurion Corvus goes, I go. So there it is.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit. -Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon

Well... Emmett is real, and I’ve just broken up with Cadence.

Well…I like your attitude,” he told me, smiling. “Although I don’t like yours Mr Lewiston,” he added, his voice suddenly going harsh. “Try to bring a whoopie cushion into my class again and you’ll find that your end of term Maths paper might just be mysteriously downgraded.

Well…I’m sorry to burst your human bubble, but I’m living proof that they do,” I reply, “although, if you don’t believe me, then by all means give the ‘Ghostbusters’ a call. I’m sure they will confirm everything, but make sure you remind them not to cross the streams!

Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?" "I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it." Thor banged his fist down upon the table. "It does not matter whether or not we like it," he said. "We are gods! There is nothing that any of us gathered here would not do to get back Mjollnir, the hammer of the gods. Tell us your idea, and if it is a good idea, we will like it." "You won't like it," said Heimdall. "We will like it!" said Thor. "Well," said Heimdall, "I think we should dress Thor as a bride. Have him put on the necklace of the Brisings. Have him wear a bridal crown. Stuff his dress so he looks like a woman. Veil his face. We'll have him wear keys that jingle, as women do, drape him with jewels -" "I don't like it!" said Thor. "People will think... well, for a start they'll think I dress up in women's clothes. Absolutely out of the question. I don't like it. I am definitely not going to be wearing a bridal veil. None of us like this idea, do we? Terrible, terrible idea. I've got a beard. I can't shave off my beard." "Shut up, Thor," said Loki son of Laufey. "It's an excellent idea.

Well, I don’t know how many years on this Earth I got left. I’m gonna get real weird with it.

Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things. That is exactly what things were originally made for.

Well, some men learn by listening, some read, some observe and analyze — and some of us just have to pee on the electric fence.

Well, over here, this is a Sensor. It senses when demons are near.” He moved toward Magnus, and the Sensor made a loud wailing noise. “Impressive!” Magnus exclaimed, pleased. He lifted a construction of fabric with a large dead bird perched atop it. “And what is this?” “The Lethal Bonnet,” Henry declared. “Ah,” said Magnus. “In times of need a lady can produce weapons from it with which to slay her enemies.” “Well, no,” Henry admitted. “That does sound like a rather better idea. I do wish you had been on the spot when I had the notion. Unfortunately this bonnet wraps about the head of one’s enemy and suffocates them, provided that they are wearing it at the time.” “I imagine that it will not be easy to persuade Mortmain into a bonnet,” Magnus observed. “Though the color would be fetching on him

Well, Watson, what do you make of it?' Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation. 'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of your head.' 'I have, at least, a well-polished, silver-plated coffee-pot in front of me', said he.

Well, well, it's enough to make the lice drop dead from my head! Condescend to enter the house.

Well, what was I to do? For the well-bred gentleman there was clearly only one recourse. I fucked him.

Well, who doesn't love a good mpreg?" "A what?" "Sim gets man-pregnant? Gives birth to twins during a tornado?" "I'll pretend I never heard that." "Here, I'll read you the wedding one -" "NO.

We need our goats!” I yelled. I waded through the crowd until I reached our chariot. I grabbed Otis’s face and pressed my forehead against his. “Testing,” I whispered. “Is this goat on? Thor, can you hear me?” “You have beautiful eyes,” Otis told me.

We pass away out of the world as grasshoppers, and our life is astonishment and fear, and we are not worthy to obtain mercy.

We're all leaving now", Blue Eyes whispered to her. "Together. Out the front door. Scream, and we'll kill you here and now. "Or later", Willow suggested nervously. "Later would be a big improvement on that idea. We could meet back here in, say, an hour, and you can exhibit your homicidal tendencies then, okay? That would be way better for us.

We're not here for a long time. We're here for a good time.

Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.

We sometimes congratulate someone, not because we value or find worthy what they have just achieved, but only because we fear coming across as jealous.

We spend a huge chunk of our lives worrying about whether or not we will eventually get the person and/or the things we need or want. Once we get them, we spend the rest of our lives worrying about whether or not we will eventually lose them.

We stopped and listened. Just on the cusp of hearing I detected a rhythmic pounding, more a vibration in the concrete than a sound. 'Drums,' I said and then because I couldn't resist it. 'Drums in the deep.' 'Drum and Bass in the deep,' said Kumar.

...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves." "Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?" Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice." He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out. They both let go, laughing. "Naw," Plight said," we just play board games.

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

What a beautiful day to go to hell

What are you doing here?” All right, he was standing in front of an easel, holding a paint palette and brush. “Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm.

What a shabby lot of highbrows have turned out tonight," he said, when he saw us. "It makes me ashamed to be one.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

What does she even eat, do you think?" "Tea fungus,"Ruth says. "Unsweetened. From an eye dropper. Is what I picture. either that or some sort of sea vegetable." "Sad," I say. "It is," Ruth muses. We decide to order two skim milk cappuccinos and split a gluten-free carrot cake cupcake.