Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds.

I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier.

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

I awake to hear a shower running and quickly stifle a groan. Oh God, my head hurts! How much did I have to drink last night? I slowly prise open one eye and quickly close it again, the light hurts my delicate hung-over state too much. I sigh heavily and try to recall what exactly happened last night.

I began to feel like a kept man and it felt great.

I BELIEVE EVERYONE IS SPECIAL . . . BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK . . . . IT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING NO-ONE IS

I believe that to be kept from evil is better than to be healed from sickness.

I brushed my hands on the pockets of my jeans, still marvelling at the fact I wasn't wearing a gown. And that I had real underwear on. It was the small things

I Brought My Grandma's Teeth to School I brought my grandma’s teeth to school to share for show-and-tell. Billy showed his sneakers. It was more like show-and-smell. Kevin brought a violin and showed he couldn’t play. Katie brought a snake to school—too bad it got away. Our class likes show-and-tell a lot, so we were sad to hear our teacher say that show-and-tell is canceled till next year.

I beseech thee, O Lord, let me have understanding: For it was not my mind to be curious of the high things, but of such as pass by us daily.

I blame Chennai. Pointless neighbourhood gossip travels faster than tsunami alerts around here. I know that aunties are a universal problem but this city is particularly aunty dominated. And by that, I mean, even many of our twenty-somethings act like aunties. Forgive the rant. Maybe I've lived here too long (and have therefore outgrown it) but I sincerely believe that Chennai has no business being called a metro. I mean, if a thirty-year-old single woman living alone while her parents are in the same city, is still such hot news, then maybe we need to graciously give up our metro status to someone more deserving. And since we have no qualms about lagging so far behind the times, maybe we should call ourselves retro.

I can lie about my name, I can lie about my school, but how am I going to lie about this fucking nose? "You seem like a very nice person Mr. Porte-Noir, but why do you go around covering the middle of your face like that?" Because suddenly it has taken off, the middle of my face! Because gone is the button of my childhood years, that pretty little thing that people used to look at in my carriage, and lo and behold, the middle of my face has begun to reach out towards God. Porte-Noir and Parsons my ass, kid, you have got J-E-W written right across the middle of your face...

I can recall quite clearly the journey from Omaha to San Francisco which I made with the opera troupe; God had created the world in less time than it took us to travel across America.

I can tell you that if there’s nothing wrong with you except fat it is easy to get thin. You eat and drink the same as always, only half. If you are handed a plate of food, leave half; if you have to help yourself, take half. After a while, if you are a perfectionist, you can consume half of that again … On the question of will-power, if that is a factor, you should think of will-power as something that never exists in the present tense, only in the future and the past. At one moment you have decided to do or refrain from an action and the next moment you have already done or refrained; it is the only way to deal with will-power.

I can't help suspecting, that there is, or may be some regurgitation from the bath into the cistern of the pump. In that case, what a felicate beveridge is quaffed by the drinkers; medicated with the sweat and the dirt, and dandriff; and the abominable of various kinds, from twenty different diseased bodies, parboiling in the kettle below.

I can't believe she's lived this long. God must be avoiding her.

I can’t fuck your life, I’m monogamously fucking my own life.

I can't believe there's a part of you that grows when you need it. You're like a mutant." "I'm a vampire," Baz says, "and can you hear yourself?

Ice cream was reliable. Young men were not.

I click to buy it and I’m furious to discover that it’s not available in Ireland and they won’t post it from abroad and the only place that sells it is Harrods and it’s impossible for me to go to Harrods because it’s like being trapped in an Escher painting.

I could give you a thigh sheath to put that in,” Isabelle offered. “I’ve got tonnes.” “CERTAINLY NOT,” said Simon.

I could kiss you!" Dylan, The Chess Queen enigma

I could say the last of my doubts about taking the house vanished right there, but it wouldn’t be true. They did, however, close their suitcases and check the bus schedule.

I crawled back to bed, knowing I was done for. Hours later, the phone in our room started ringing. It was George. He was not happy. "Room 312. Now!" he shouted. Bouldy got up. I tried to pull myself together, splashing my face with water and hauling on my shorts and flip flops. It was a lovely day outside, the sun was scorching hot and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, but it might as well have been a pissing wet morning in St Albans for all I cared. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach as we made the Walk of Death to Room 312, which I knew was Paul and Gus's room. When we walked in, I thought I'd arrived in downtown Baghdad. Water dripped from the ceiling. The board games were in pieces and all the plastic parts were scattered over the floor. The balcony window was wide open and I could see a bed upended by the pool outside.

I couldn't possibly repeat the words he used .They were so unsettling that I sent Nancy indoors to find my spectacles.

I daresay something will happen, between now and ’91, to make your fortunes look up.

I'd blow someone for a valium," I said in Jacob's ear. "Maybe he's got one... but try offering a hand-job first so you retain some leverage.

I dashed to the library at the first opportunity; I refer to the venerable library of the University of Turin's Chemical Institute, at that time, like Mecca, impenetrable to infidels and even hard to penetrate for such faithful as I. One had to think that the administration followed the wise principle according to which it is good to discourage the arts and sciences: only someone impelled by absolute necessity, or by an overwhelming passion, would willingly subject himself to the trials of abnegation that were demanded of him in order to consult the volumes. The library's schedule was brief and irrational, the lighting dim, the file cards in disorder; in the winter, no heat; no chairs but uncomfortable and noisy metal stools; and finally, the librarian was an incompetent, insolent boor of exceeding ugliness.

I'd eat your face like a pack of jackals eating their stolen spoils.

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

I demoted him from The Best Man Ever to just The Best Man I’d Ever Met. Superman would have charged out (hell, he’d have flown) to get Lois Lane cookies. I was pretty sure of it.

I’d heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn’t think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.

I didn't get to God by effort or title, I got there by invitation. God can lift you quickly if you let Him. He really cares.

I didn't come from a success lineage but I am so glad that my earthly lineage is not my final story because when I gave my life to Jesus twelve years back, God interrupted my story.

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

I didn’t resent the badgers. I just didn’t see why they made her stop loving me…

Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time.

I’d managed to find a hobbit in the Caucasus Mountains. I wondered what he would do if I asked him about second breakfast.

I do not care what people say about me as long as they speak ill of me when I'm ill, and speak well of me when I'm well. ~Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

I do not need to grow up or train in the gym in order to beat the devil, when I know that my God can beat him for me.

I don't believe this," Diesel said. "It just gets worse and worse. Bad I enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker and veterinarian...now have to be sex therapist for a guy who gives people a rash.

I do no damage. This is damage, this.” He picked up a paper from Camille’s desk. “I can’t read your writing, but I take it the general tenor is that Brissot should go and hang himself.

I do not have any trust fund, I have always trusted God for all my funds.

I don't ask you - fribble!' snapped his lordship, rounding on him, with the speed of a whiplash. 'You may keep your tongue between your teeth!' "Yes, sir - happy to!' uttered Claud, dismayed. 'No wish to offend you! Thought you might like to be set right!' 'Thought I might like to be set right?' 'No, no! Spoke without thinking!' said Claud hastily. ' I know you don't!

I do not dance,' said Jean-Claude, who had forsworn that exercise for much the same reasons as Miss Stevenson. But here he spoke too soon, for Lady Dorothy Bingham, merciless to what she called 'ballroom skulkers', saw him standing about, ordered John to introduce him to her, and became his patroness. Not till he had miserably danced twice with her and once with each of the twins did he have the brilliant idea of introducing her to his mother. The master minds met, and recognised each other, and for the greater part of the evening they discussed the care and subjugation of a family...

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

i do not give a sh*t, the toilet miss me now

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

I don’t approve.’ A vet

I don't get it. Why would you want to endure someone who squeezes the toothpaste the wrong way and deprives you of a simple pleasure every morning?