Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

£500.” He hisses furiously at me. “I can’t believe I’ve spent £500 on an entire new wardrobe and a new haircut – one that I didn’t even want my I add!” As he talks, I skip happily, a dreamy smile plastered all over my face. I’ve had, without a shadow of a doubt, the best day ever. “I can.” I answer, my voice rising several decibels, as I lose myself, currently, on cloud nine. “I’ve loved spending your money. It feels awesome!

50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up

A beach bum is just a blue-collar lounge lizard without a roof over their head.

98% of politicians are either corrupt or corruptible.

AAAAIIIE! You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing! Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things? -Sergeant Schlock

A book can give you an experience of someone’s life in a few hours, and this is far more profitable than any sale that’s going on.

A bit of useful information. My name is Victoria “call me Vicki” DeVine. I used to be Mrs. Yorick Dane, but giving up my married name was one of the conditions of my receiving valuable property—aka The Jumble—as part of the divorce settlement. Apparently the second official Mrs. Dane didn’t like the idea that someone else had had the name first. Fortunately, she didn’t seem as possessive about Yorick’s Vigorous Appendage. I could have told her that a couple dozen other women had had it before she took possession. But it wasn’t likely that she would keep solo possession of the appendage for long, so let her figure things out the hard way like I did. Of course, if she had been one of those indulgences, then she already knew the signs and might be able to nip them in the bud.

A brain the size of a pea, cannot achieve what a brain the size of a melon can!!

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead.

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

A chap’s impending death has a way of focusing the mind.

[About Uluru] I'm suggesting nothing here, but I will say that if you were an intergalactic traveler who had broken down in our solar system, the obvious directions to rescuers would be: "Go to the third planet and fly around till you see the big red rock. You can't miss it." If ever on earth they dig up a 150,000-year-old rocket ship from the galaxy Zog, this is where it will be. I'm not saying I expect it to happen; not saying that at all. I'm just observing that if I were looking for an ancient starship this is where I would start digging.

absinthe removes the bitter taste of failure and grants me strange visions which are charming principally because they cannot be written down. Only in absinthe do I become entirely free and, when I drink it, I understand the symbolic mysteries of odour and of colour.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the bloody penis wander. ~ Heartbreak's A Bitch!

Absurd laughter is a kind of protest against an absurd existence.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

A chap wouldn’t hole up in Occupied France just to get away from his wife, Vesta.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

Actually, we shot it over two days and the ghost of Danny DeVito was devastatingly present the whole time.

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. "Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.

A dragon is a norn’s best friend. Norn saying.

A dwarf can go hundreds of miles with a cake like this in his pack,' Carrot went on. 'I bet he can,' said Colon gloomily. 'I bet all the time he'd be thinking, "Bloody hell, I hope I can find something else to eat soon, otherwise it's the bloody cake again.

Adventavit asinus, polcher et fortissimus

A five-week sand blizzard?" said Deep Thought haughtily. "You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff.

A firm's income statement may be, likened to a bikini-what it reveals is interesting but what it conceals is vital.

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

After a lifetime of soft, easy living in the West, one's buttocks take an awful hammering out here. Backpacking around India is just one long round of sitting on bone-hard, chafing, bruising and generally uncomfortable seats-whether in buses our trains, or restaurants or cinemas. There is no such thing as a padded seat in the whole country.

After all, I was once like you are, but being the right sort I got where I am.

After all, there was something rather pleasant in knowing that you were misunderstood. It made you feel different from everyone else.

After my parents were dead, I found in a box and in two chests of drawers nothing but hundreds of bright red Alpine caps, I said, nothing but bright red Alpine stockings. Every one of them knitted by my mother. My parents could have gone into the High Alps with these bright red caps and bright red stockings for thousands of years. I burnt every one of those bright red caps and bright red stockings, I said. I put on one of my mother's hundreds of bright red Alpine caps and in this costume burnt all the others, laughing, laughing, continuously laughing, I said. (Goethe Dies, p.65)

After praying for those who have no food, pray for those who have food but have no appetite. ~Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

A funny yet interesting read, Will Self knowa his stuff and must do a lot of deep research.

Again he shook his head. The world's gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing of it. The return of corpses has become trivial in import. How quickly one accepts the incredible if only one sees it enough!

Aglaya just rolled her eyes. "You're like a ten year-old." "Ten-and-a-half," Kev defended. "But I read at a fourteen year-old level.

A Goddess Adventure represents a combination of heart, head, and soul work

A golden dragon. Splendid. My life expectancy has just become shorter than a gnome’s todger.

A good pig is a dead pig

A great journey, full of laughter, a few tears and lots of heart. It’s romantic and adventurous, amusing and understanding, a story to enjoy – Claire Ashton, Book Blogger.co

Ah don’t worry about Jonah. Something must have crawled up his ass.” Billy pauses. “Something big.” “I hope he made sure to get its weight for takeoff,” I mutter, reaching for my running shoes. Billy’s barking laughter carries through the cool breeze.

A half-blood of the eldest dogs...

Ah don't hate the English. They're just wankers. We are colonised by wankers. We can't even pick a decent, vibrant, healthy culture to be colonised by. No. We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us?

A guy rubbed against me,” I say. “But I think he was just trying to get by. He rubbed me, then said sorry. It was the ‘sorry’ that made me uncomfortable. The rub was kind of interesting, but when he apologized I felt like a creep because I actually liked it.

Ah...Dectective, this is a very private and personal moment for them both. I'm sure you can understand their need for-" A man stumbled out clutching a sheet round his waist and Valkyrie's eyes widened. "Whoa," she said as he hummed into a table. He was tall and sandy-haired and his physique was jaw-dropping lay amazing. "No way," she said. "Scapegrace?" The man looked at her, and shook his head. The a woman came charging out of the back room, slammed into the man and they both went rolling across the floor. "Give it to me!" The woman screamed. "Give it to me!" Nye scuttled over. "Mr Scapegrace, you know the procedure cannot be repeated, your brains are in far too deteriorated a condition." "You! Gave! Me! The! Wrong! Body!

A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early.