Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

Although life is hard in pace Lose not thy calm and grace. If thee are not tender Vow not to surrender Eternity lies right before thy face.

Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.

Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic

Always be yourself, unless you can be batman. Then be batman.

Always dip your toe in the past before stepping into the future

Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there

Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark.

Always recycle wasted time

Always skip to the pub to enjoy your barley and hops

Always take a compliment, even if it’s not yours

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

A maid’s yard, house, wardrobe, fridge, etc. sometimes also serve as her master’s dustbin or dumpsite.

... a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse has got a little more sense.

A man cannot really be called (sexually) confident if he has never bought his woman a vibrator.

Alys," he exclaims happily. "I think this might work out. You're going to be excellent in getting rid of unwanted visitors." "I'm not a fucking Rottweiler," I say indignantly.

A man of the mouth, formerly the most oral of surgeons, Henry had the habit of giving his lady patients laughing gas, putting them out, then fiercely fucking them, while tugging on their wisdom teeth. His getting caught was a slip of the tongue, so to speak. While he was buried deep in a muff, some sharp thing slipped, and his prize patient, Mrs Mavis Gilette, woke to find a harpoon hole in her cheek and her lost licker languishing on the floor.

A man should never miss an opportunity to keep his mouth shut.

A married man is just a single man who couldn’t say no.

A man who tosses worms in the river isn’t 't necessarily a friend of the fish. All the fish who take him for a friend, who think the worm’s got no hook in it, usually end up in the frying pan.

America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy - and wont cross the street to vote in a national election.

Amazin'.' he said again. 'He just looks as though he's thinking, right?' 'Er...yes.' 'But he's not actually thinking?' 'Er...no.' 'So...he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?' 'Er...yes.' Just like everyone else, then really,' said Ridcully

Ambition is the intellectual equivalent of body odour.

Americans invented adolescence. It is not a natural phenomenon. Adolescence is a social construct, created by an urban-industrial society that keeps its young at home far past puberty. Teenage angst is a luxury if a successful modern human conceit that isn't condoned by our superior species.

Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

America takes her writers too seriously.

An Act of Dissent is simply a way of saying, 'No, I do not accept this and, as my silence may be construed as acquiescence, I would like to make a small gesture to indicate that you can all go fuck yourselves.

Amy: Pond and her boys . . . my poncho boys. If we're going to die, let's die looking like a peruvian folk band.

Analyse it; chance of getting succeed are always greater than failure

An Ass put on a Lion's skin and went About the foreset with much merriment, Scaring the foolish beasts by brooks and rocks, Till at last he tried to scare the Fox. But Reynard, hearing from beneath the mane That Raucous voice so petulant and vain, Remarked. O' Ass, I too would run away, But that I know your old familiar bray'. That's just the way with asses, just the way.

Anand finished up his cola cube transaction. I stepped up and slammed three pound coins on the counter like an oppressed inner-city youth born with the skills of rhythm and rhyme.

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

And as their penile pain began to subside, the two men were able to form more complex thoughts, resulting in a collaborative work: the development of a worldview that might be described as “penilosophy.

An avalanche is just a snowflake that got pissed off.

And as they drifter up their minds sang with the ecstatic knowledge that either what they were doing was completely and utterly and totally impossible or that physics had a lot of catching up to do. Physics shook its head and, looking the other way, concentrated on keeping the cards going along the Euston Road and out over towards the Westway flyover, on keeping the street lights lit and on making sure that when somebody on Baker Street dropped a cheeseburger it went splat on the ground.

... and because they were fond of reading, she fancied them satirical: perhaps without exactly knowing what it was to be satirical; but that did not signify. It was censure in common use, and easily given.

And how should we behave during this Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don't already have one.

...and - holy shit was this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds.

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.

and it was surely the case also that only machines built to so large a scale and of such pristine alloys could bridge the span between heaven and earth with their song on our account and was she alone in these thoughts she wondered or did anyone else have similar feelings about these machines, this technology which of course they didn’t

And new physical problems are arising almost daily. I'm getting problems from a painful trapped nerve in my shoulder, where my rucksack strap has been pinching it, and I can't straighten my arm above shoulder level - soon I will be limping like Richard III. By now my back is covered with eczema, the result of a perpetually sodden shirt and rucksack pressed against it day after day in this heat. In one place my pack has rubbed a painful hole in my skin through the eczema; carrying my rucksack was unpleasant before, but now it is purgatory. This eczema must be partly due to eating bad food for so long - I never had this problem at home. I'm expecting my teeth and hair to start falling out before long, and I've got more or less a permanent acid indigestion from eating so much junk. Week after week I've lived on lukewarm Coca-Cola, stale buns and doughnuts, slurps, green bananas, powdered milk and far too many cigarettes. With all the rubbishy food and sugar soft drinks I've been consuming, I'll see the east coast through a hypoglycaemic haze.

And Raphael will be joining us,” Andrea said. “So you get twice the backup. Nobody will be killing you on our watch.” So that was what this was all about. I got a cookie after all. “Aww. I had no idea you cared. I’m touched.” “You should be.” Andrea bit another bacon slice. “I’m willing to abandon the tender embrace of my future mother-in-law for your sake.” “About that,” Aunt B said. “I’m coming, too.” Dear God, the cookie was poisoned." 12% in 'Magic Rises' by Ilona Andrews

And remember, Wallis, there's something the matter with Mr. Allan's shutters. They won't always close the sunshine out as they should." Wallis almost winked, if an elderly, mutton-chopped servitor can be imagined as winking. "No, ma'am," he promised. Something wrong with 'em. I'll remember, ma'am.

And at that moment the alligators burst into the room.

And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach" Ryan says before we can be introduced. "I'm a big fan of your work" he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I like his voice. It's not a deep Charlton Heston-like voice, but it has just the right amount of husky in it.

And I’m stubborn, if you want absolute obedience, get a Labrador.

...And of course they'll get their milk from us, because Gooch's milk in the village really can't be trusted. I do hope, Henry, the vicarage drains are all right if Martin is to go there, because the French are rather vague about drains.' 'Yes, but darling, they aren't bringing their drains with them'...

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and ‘rough sex’. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s only going to be you and me.

...and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s, somewhere’s, handiwork.