Best 648 quotes in «comedian quotes» category

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

Dans les fins de mois, ce qui est le plus dur, c'est les trente derniers jours. The hardest part of ending each month is going through the last 30 days.

Dans les fins de mois, ce qui est le plus dur, c'est les trente derniers jours. The hardest part of the end of each month is last thirty days.

...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... . he isn't like this writer or actor or comedian... - YOU FUCKING LIAR.

Dans les fins de mois, ce qui est le plus dur, c'est les trente derniers jours. The hardest thing about the end of the month is the last 30 days.

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you.

Ricky Gervais, Louis CK, Anthony Jeselnik and I have the same sense of humor. They're just better at it than I am.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

The mark of a poor comedian is not making the other person laugh. The mark of a worse comedian is asking if the person got it.

We try to stay as thin as possible - which also keeps us weak. When you’re skinny, you have no body fat; when you have no body fat, you’re cold all the time; when you’re cold all time, you stay inside; and when you stay inside... you don’t vote. I may be joking about that last part... but I’m not totally wrong. Ever stop to think that by keeping women eternally preoccupied with superficialities that we might be missing out in important thinks in life?

Was he to bray this in profoundest brass Arointing his dreams with fugal requiems? Was he to company vastest things defunct With a blubber of tom-toms harrowing the sky? Scrawl a tragedian's testament? Prolong His active force in an inactive dirge, Which, let the tall musicians call and call, Should merely call him dead? Pronounce amen Through choirs infolded to the outmost clouds? Because he built a cabin who once planned Loquacious columns by the ructive sea? Because he turned to salad-beds again?

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

A comedian has to live in his head. All this comedy comes from a lonely place. When you're surrounded by an entourage, you're not living in your head.

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you’re smart, you’ll end up as a comedian. If you’re not, you’ll end up as a clown.

A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world.

A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

A comedian is sort of like a wild animal. It really just depends on where you catch them. Sometimes they want to cuddle up, and sometimes they'll snap at you. But for me, more often than not, if I'm talking to somebody who makes their living in comedy, it'll be a very thoughtful conversation driven from an emotionally honest place.

A comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them.

You hate a subject… you hate a topic… didn't you learn something as comedian... IN SCHOOL?

A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

A comic says funny things. A comedian says things funny.

[Adoption] could turn you into an exquisite comedian. Ask Richard Pryor's ghost.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood.

A jazz musician is a combination orator, dialectician, mathematician, athlete, entertainer, poet, singer, dancer, diplomat, educator, student, comedian, artist, seducer, public masturbator, and general all-round good fellow.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

All comedians are people who really deeply consider the human experience not only a dirty trick perpetrated by a totally meaningless procedure of accidents, but an unbearable ordeal every day, which can be made tolerable only by mockery in one form or another.

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.

All of us black comedians are trying to be mainstream, but you don't want to lose the edge.

A lot of comedians today have misunderstood the concept of a subversive comedian. If you really want to be subversive, you have to please and offend in equal amounts.

A lot of comedy clubs are set up with people sitting at little tables and you have everything from the way they are seated to them ordering or taking a sip of a drink, these can make a comedian go harder and faster in a club.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

Although I had good hand-eye coordination, I was so tall and skinny and muscularly weak that I just was not well coordinated. But what I started to do quite early on was watch some of the great old silent comedians, like Laurel and Hardy and Chaplin, and then later on Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.

A lot of us [comedians] are drawn to the stage or show business or whatever because we didn't feel so great about ourselves, and we didn't know how to do anything about that, so we sought external approval.

And as Craig Brown - he's an English humorist, not a comedian but he's just a writer and humorist - I'm quite a fan of. I heard him talking in a rather similar way on the radio. He said I'm the sort of person - I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was rather interesting - he said I'm the sort of person that can be reduced to tears in an empty church and feel like I'm the CEO of the Devil's organization in a full one, and I tend to feel like that as well. I love empty churches and going into them looking around, but I'm not a churchgoer at all.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

And I'm up while the dawn is breaking, even though my heart is aching. I should be drinking a toast to absent friends instead of these comedians.