Best 648 quotes in «comedian quotes» category

I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.

I don't get all the anger that is thrown at comedians.

I don't have any delusions. I'm not a novelist - I'm a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it's pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians.

I don't know if people really care about my opinion on things or how I come up with things, and maybe that's an insecurity and why we're comedians in the first place, so I think with that you keep doing the material, you keep trying to be funny cause you think that's all you're wanted for.

I don't know why you'd go to a comedian and say, "You know what? You have a large menu of items, but this one thing I did not like and therefore, you should be shut down. You should cease to make a living and you should be thrown out in the streets.

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

I don't think a comedian should even be concerned with being cool or sexy, as soon as you do, you aren't a comedian any more. Looks are still the most important thing for women when it comes to meeting a partner. And that's fair enough, but a sense of humour is really important too. For starters, it's a great indicator of whether you are going to get on. If the first time you go on a date you don't find each other funny, there's a fundamental problem.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I don't think comedians take advantage of the fact that television and film are visual mediums.

I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.

I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

I do what I do because there's nothing else for me to do. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. It is in my soul to spread love and laughter. Even if I wasn't an actress or a comedian, I would be spreading love and laughter [with] whatever I did.

I'd say any good set or any comedy that I've worked on, that's worked, has been comedians pitching ideas back and forth to each other. A lot of like, 'What if you say this? What about this?'

I feel like Jim Carrey is probably the closest thing to a true physical comedian that we have working today.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

If I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes.

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.

I first wanted to be a comedian when I was six or seven and my dad showed me Laurel and Hardy's "Perfect Day" on tv.

If I've inadvertently become some sort of role model for failed comedians, then it's really backfired very badly on me.

If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.

If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label.

If you are a New York comedian who knows how to improvise and has glasses, you're going to start getting commercials.

If you don't laugh, you're going to cry and people are crying. That's why I guess you have lots of people like comedians to keep us laughing.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

If you know me, I don't live in this dismal world. I mean, I like to have fun. My friends are comedians.

If you make a bad movie about stand-up, then comedians will mock you for the rest of your life.

If you like standup and decide that it's overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

If you're into comedy, you will know what the show is about. We have so many comedy geeks, comedy enthusiasts, fanatical people who go to comedy festivals and follow comedians, and really treat it like rock 'n' roll - which it can be, but more like the geeky rock 'n' roll.

If you're a comedian, you are looking for material in daily life.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.

If you want to see what stage comedians did to get laffs a century ago, watch the 1910 'Wizard of Oz.' I hope you have a high tolerance for pratfalls.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

If you watch the arcs of so many comedians, at some point, they just become themselves.

I guess I considered myself just sort of a sketch comedian, you know? Actual screenwriting hadn't really occurred to me as a viable job - I didn't really know anything about it.

I get called all kinds of things - an investigative comedian, a comedian activist - I've lost track of what my job title is.

I had to write a comedy set and film a show at the same time. And it's the second time I've been up on stage as a stand-up comedian with untested material. I was saying it out loud for the first time that night. It didn't go how I expected, but in the best possible way.

I have late onset ADHD. I take on too much and end up spinning plates, but its entertaining, and it helps you make quick connections if youre a comedian, if you have a brain that can dance around too much.

I have a funny sense of humor. If I was a comedian and I was up on stage, people would think that's funny, because I'm a funny comedian. I'm an entertainer.

I have a pretty fresh delivery. I feel that I am probably more of a dramatic actor, but I'm also a comedian. Every day I am polishing up my skills.