Best 2389 quotes in «comedy quotes» category

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

To neglect ones own ability to laugh is the greatest form of Blasphemy, for to laugh is to pray.

Tragedy is actually untimely comedy

Tragedy and comedy involve an audience, so they must give--sharing themselves to elicit tears and laughter. Melodrama is not such a strategist. It meets no one's expectation but its internal need to feel.

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like the locals to be rejected as one of their own.

Tria finally slumped to the ground “I swear I'm sick of falling into pits and swamps...” “Hey, upside is you're not dead yet so win win.” Ingra said cheerfully.

Tsuyokini,honki Mutekini,suteki Genki,yuuki! --Kusakabe Maron

Twoa said, obviously still in my brain. "It was my pheromones," she said defensively. I looked up at her; she was sniffing herself. She looked down at me. "Okay, maybe it wasn’t ALL the pheromones," she admitted. "Nobody makes a good deodorant for superheroes.

Two hours later, a noise resembling a hippo rolling along a corrugated iron roof shook Jane from her doze and Rob bursts through the living room door.

Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…

under the gold standard, a free banking system stands as the protector of an economy's stability and balanced growth... The abandonment of the gold standard made it possible for the welfare statists to use the banking system as a means to an unlimited expansion of credit... In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation

Um, thanks,” Jackson told her. “And your name is…?” “I’m Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf,” she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached. “Van Der Graaf?” Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn’t want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but… Van Der Graaf? “What are you laughing at?” Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. “I like my name. If you’re going to be a jerk, then I won’t help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care.” “…Harsh,” said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something ‘off’ about her, something that Jackson couldn’t quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. “Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?” He couldn’t resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. “Who else lives here?” he urged. “Me, myself and I,” said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

Verify first, then trust.

waffle: (n.) breakfast of politicians.

Velva’s face glowed in the streetlight. “Sir Sun, don’t you see? I am your violent violet. And you are mine.

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week.

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

Was that tragedy? Or was that comedy? Was there really any difference?

We all enter this world crying. Laughter is something we have to learn.

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.

We go around the room, introducing ourselves. 'I'm Hamza, I'm a friend of John's, I suppose,' he says a little reluctantly. Hamza tweeted recently that Muslims should not befriend the infidel. So I'm chuffed by his declaration. A bit like when a friend's cat hates everyone but you.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

We have had this discussion before. You are my son. I love you. I will always love you. But I also love Nell, and if you give her the chance and stop rejecting her advances, she will take you into her heart as well." "Oh, yeah, like he's going to allow me to do that," I muttered

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

Well we certainly don't want to see that kind of thing,’ admonished Jeff Stelling. ‘Did it calm down?’ ‘No,’ shouted Kamara. ‘It got worse. The police were just getting involved when the chairman was hit by a pie thrown from the crowd.’ ‘Was he injured?’ asked Stelling, struggling to suppress a giggle. ‘I don’t think so,’ laughed Kamara. ‘He sat down and started eating it!

Welp I'm fucked, how am I meant to do that?! “Dilmore?

Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.

We're in and out in five minutes tops," I reminded everyone. "Just like the studio. Five minutes of rock and roll. Ax? You keep us honest, okay?" "

We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of f-ing Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me. The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are! We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.

We're in and out in five minutes tops," I reminded everyone. "Just like the studio. Five minutes of rock and roll. Ax? You keep us honest, okay?" "Of course. But I was not aware that we would be involved in perpetrating a deception.

We went to a movie and he kissed me for the first time. We kissed right through it... “Now let’s kiss somewhere else,” said Max.

What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows.

What are you doing?” Nine Eleven asked, noticing Seth trying to look around him. He followed Seth's gaze. “Oh.” He turned back around and handed Seth a wry smile. “So what are you going to do about her, Seth? Create a love spell that will bend her to your will and make her your sex slave?” “Is that how you get dates?” Seth asked.

What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?

What did Kevin Ye get arrested for anyway? Didn't he steal a car?" "He stole the driver's ed car." I laughed. Then I saw how Adam was looking at me. "He gave it back." "They MAKE you give stuff back, Lori, after they arrest you for stealing it.

What can you answer? Now be careful, don’t arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I’ll take you napping, faces slapping Left and right.

Well, I’m heading home,” Ibaraki announced as they were leaving the restaurant. “Oh, yeah? About time,” Yuichi commented. Ibaraki: “Man, you’re so cold. Aren’t you picking up my love beams?” “Sorry, Yu, but I’m not into BL! I hope you’ll consider a pure and true hetero relationship!” Mutsuko said cheerfully. Yuichi took a conspicuous step back. Ibaraki: "Huh? Hey, don’t take that seriously!

What do you mean? In Old Castle? I still live with my parents in case you haven’t noticed, Jack. Those two strangers – that man and woman sitting on my sofa – are actually my parents. Oh, you mean your place? Yes, let’s evict your parents…let’s place them neatly in a cardboard box and leave it by the rubbish bins!

What every girl should know: Your vagina is disgusting. It smells like the underside of a kangaroo pouch and he doesn't want to touch you because of the grossness. But thankfully, NEW brand douche, perfected by a leading gynecologist, gently cleanses and refreshes, making you feel feminine and special. Because what's more special than a vage filled with vinegar and chemical daisies? Also available in SPICY CINNAMON TACO, for the girl adventurer.

What have you got in there you little bastard?

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

What is this vision? It is a presentimiento! A foreboding ominous happy confusing feeling that strikes a person when they are dreaming and sleepwalking and when they gaze into a mirror!

What’s funny? Who defines what’s funny? To be honest funny has no dimensions.

What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man. The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...

What’s SQ?” asked Evan. “Sexual Quotient.” “What’s that?” “Basically, it’s your odds of getting laid. Everyone has an SQ. just like everyone has an IQ.” “I’ve never heard that term before.” “That’s because I made it up.” “That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

What's your name, son?' Sam said. The man looked to be about Sam's age, but Sam always thought calling people 'son' immediately gave the air of imperial authority and opened the door for spanking if need be.

What was it with evildoers trying to hire my boyfriend as a mercenary?