Best 2389 quotes in «comedy quotes» category

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.

Oooh, dinner and a show! How come you never take us to dinner and a show?" He smiled at Roxy. "I would spend the entire evening fending off the hordes of your admirers." She fanned herself and grinned back at him. "You gotta love all that suave debonairness!

Oof!" Adam caught me all right, with the side of his head. I could tell by the feel of his skull on my foot as I kicked him. He grabbed me the best he could anyway, and we half landed, half fell in the pine needles. He lay facedown on the ground. I flopped him over on his back to make sure he was alive. If he had a concussion, we'd have to call the ambulance, which meant we'd get caught and he'd get sent to military school. On the bright side, maybe the military school would not take him if he had brain damage. "I'm so sorry." "Worth it," he grunted. He rolled onto his feet like a ninja and grabbed my hand. "Hurry, before they release the hounds.

OTHER lives may find their happiest moments infiltrated with tragedy, and their proudest touched with comedy. This had almost invariably been true of mine. My proudest hour found me, the newly elected president of the United Nations, perched atop three thick New York City telephone books given me in lieu of a cushion that I might see and be seen by the delegates below the podium.

Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

Our new routine didn't require a stage or a microphone. Comedy isn't just words, syllables, phonemes. It's not just parking meters and airplane food and bad weather and tired punchlines. It's seeing what no one else sees and saying what no one else wants to say.

Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority.

Outwardly, I hope, I wear my usual mask of detachment, even irony, for there has never been a situation,however dire, even this one, that did not strike me as containing at least some element of the human comedy.

People deceive themselves, or deceive each other, that is the origin of comedy.

People in third world countries aren't living in poverty, they're living pretty much as nature intended us to live it and putting us all to shame

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

People keep making excuses, that’s why everthing happens for a reason.

People often say to me: Oy! Get out of my garden.

People say memories are there to be cherished. I believe memories are there to be created, and if you do something worthwhile today, you will stop living in the past. Look forward and create, don't look back all the time

People say memories are there to be cherished. I believe memories are there to be created, and if you do something worthwhile today, you will stop living in the past

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Percy, you are dismissed from my service." "Me? Why, my lord?" "Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too.

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta

Peter and Jessie were like Romeo and Juliet. Have you ever seen that old movie? Starring Leonardo Dicaprio?

Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est. (Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over.) [Said on his deathbed]

​Per me si va ne la città dolente, Per me si va ne l'etterno dolore, Per me si va tra la perduta gente. Giustizia mosse il mio alto fattore: Fecemi la divina potestate La somma sapienza e'l primo amore Dinanzi a me non fuor cose create se non etterne, e io etterno duro. Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'intrate.

Power is the ability to persuade stupid people to do intelligent things and intelligent people to do stupid things. This is why power is dangerous.

Prayer or not, I want to believe that, despite all evidence to the contrary, it is possible for anyone to find that one special person. That person to spend Christmas with or grow old with or just take a nice silly walk in Central Park with.

Pregnancy is a very tough experience for a female, have no doubt. But, it's not a walk in the park for a man either. Understanding on both sides is key

Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we're certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our own sort of way. Of course we want to keep our health but as far as anything else is concerned, we'll leave it to You. Thank You.

Primark 'till I die

Proof of concept or POC is the art of winning a ship-building contract by showing the working model of a paper boat

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

Rory, can you pick the lock?" "Really, Moll?" Rory said. "I know I can be irresponsible, but I'm not a bloody cat burglar. Of course I can't pick the lock!

Rare contact creates a stir. Gossip spreads. Tensions build. Denying Pissec, miserable Obelmäker and repressed Baumauer are all seething-jealous – openly or reservedly – within the hour. The pay rise promise is working a treat. Brichacek’s licking the tip of a pencil with her sticky pink tongue. “Stop flirting,” he tells her, but he looks at her breasts and thinks, The girls with the bruises in the sex films are just dead dolls, but this pretty toy is alive.

Rosy ferried the drinks back to the table, slid the Guinness his way. “You said you have a show. Is it a comedy?” “No, but you will laugh, I hope, after hearing my qualifications.” His eyes glittered. “I do magic, with a twist. The twist is, my clothes are the first thing to disappear.” Rosy gaped. “Yes. I do magic… naked. I not only have a big ego.” Marek wiggled his middle finger. “I have a big wand.

Saer is a great big poop, and you shouldn't listen to anything he says," I said, panting just a little. "Obviously, he was trying to demoralize me." "Men who are poops demoralize people all the time," I agreed

Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn't just sad and slow music. It's a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the rising sun.

Sam: I've never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.

Says here there's a reward," Mr. Hooks said. Tallie blinked, then remembered Keith had added that tidbit for incentive. She opened her purse and scrutinized the contents of her slim wallet--twelve dollars and a book of stamps. She handed over the ten and the stamps, then tossed in a free drink coupon from Starbucks. "Thanks." Then she turned and fled.

Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.

Seventy-five percent of the time when I'm ordering my "almond milk matcha latte with no sugar added, lukewarm, please," I'll be recognized by an employee. And yes, my order is a pin in the ass, but I'm determined to enjoy the liquid indulgences of modern life. Might as well take advantage of it all before the zombie apocalypse. I have no practical skills; I'm fully aware that I'll be one of the first ones "turned." Instead of learning motorcycle repair or something else disaster-scenario useful, I'll order the drink I want until I become a shambling corpse. AND I WON'T BE DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT, OKAY?

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

Shame comes in different doses.

Sebastian,” Katarina said, turning to her nephew. “You’ve grown.” “It happens,” Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin. “Goodness,” she said with smile, “you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.” Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet. It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn’t all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared.

She deliberated too much afore making decisions; he acted on instinct. He liked Oreos, she preferred pasta worms.

She had her own barometer for knowing when a man was getting too close: as soon as he felt comfortable enough to help himself to something in her refrigerator, he was history. ... Filching leftover was simply too domestic for her to stomach. A man might as well say, "I'm hungry and I'm taking your food, woman." First he'd be foraging for food in the fridge, next he'd be expecting her to cook for him, replace buttons on his shirt, and give up her job to have babies that looked like him.

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. "Yum," she croaks. Mrs. Wong looks pleased. "It's made with tofu." I can't resist. "Free-range tofu?" My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes the bait. "Now, Cassidy, tofu isn't an animal," she chides. "It's soy bean curd. Soy bean curd doesn't need to roam free." On the floor below me, Emma lets out a little snort. I nudge her again with my foot. We're both grinning at the thought of a corral somewhere with little cubes of tofu wandering around. "Home, home on the range," I sing to her under my breath. "Where the deer and the tofu roam free...

She held her hand out in front of her. “Wait.” “No,” I groaned and then cleared my throat. “I mean okay, I can wait.

She owned ten cars and twelve houses and cried that she was misunderstood. Trellis was mentally stunted, since she saw no point in learning anything. This self-inflicted disability frequently caused Trellis to display inane and senseless behavior, such as putting her clothes on backwards and walking into doors sometimes.

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.