Best 2389 quotes in «comedy quotes» category

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays, he smokes one cigarette (but claims he’s not a smoker). On Fridays, he treats himself to his favourite pastime: horse practice – he grew up with horses and likes to try and emulate their distinctive whinnies, snorts, neighs, snuffles, sighs, grunts, fluttering nostrils, the occasional aggressive outburst and the especially beautiful nicker of a mare to her foal. And, on Saturdays, lest we forget, Maxwell D. Kalist drinks wine from a chalice.

entanglement: (n.) quantum physics term for when the sheets wrap around two bodies in space.

Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.

Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue.

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

Even though Sean still held my head down I was the only one who thought to ask "Who's driving the boat?" Over the motor I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.

Eventually, you're gonna have to let someone in.

Ever notice there are no clocks in stores? It's like casinos; they don't want you to know how much time you've spent dropping your quarters.

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.

Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

Everyone knows WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book in which all roads lead to death.

Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'. Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse?--thirty-five-thousand! Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car?--twenty-two-thousand! Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking _and_ driving?--five-hundred! ::pauses:: I'm not taking any fuckin' chances! ::swigs his beer::

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

Everything about the man spoke of virility--his quick reaction, his calm control now that danger had passed. And she'd never seen a man wield a gun in real life--it was kind of a turn-on to know that he'd protected her. Of course he had protected everyone, but he _had_ sort of singled her out by heaving her to the floor.

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

Everything that begins as comedy ends as tragedy. Everything that begins as comedy inevitably ends as tragicomedy. Everything that begins as comedy ends as a cryptographic exercise. Everything that begins as comedy ends as a horror movie. What begins as comedy ends as a triumphal march, wouldn't you say? Everything that begins as comedy inevitably ends as a mystery. Everything that begins as comedy ends as a dirge in the void. Everything that begins as comedy ends as a comic monologue, but we aren't laughing anymore.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

fanny-pack: (v.) to put on a few extra pounds during the holiday season.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.

Family is not a career. It’s why you have a career. If you can’t be there for the big moments, then why are you doing it?

Fate gives us relatives for one reason: so that we have to learn how to deal with people we'd otherwise never know.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. 'So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.' With a tombstone next to it.

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch, Cooterville, Felchville, Dust Rag, Dough Bag, Uranus Ridge, Big Bottom, Hooter Holler, Quickskillet, Buck Wallow, Possum Strut ... We always say a picture speaks a thousand words, but isn’t the opposite equally true?

Few people actually read. Instead, everyone likes pretending they read. If we spent as much time reading as we say we do, we'd be grossly overweight and depressed.

Freedom from likes and dislikes, the sudden sense of identification, the spirit of comedy.

Food without wine is like a car without wheels.

FRED WOLF: No one goes to Hollywood to meet their future husband or wife, or buy a house and have kids. They all go to Hollywood because they're kind of damaged and there's something they're searching for.

For me, every week is a fashion week.

Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out! [covers the mole] Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit! [Fozzie uncovers the mole] Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

Free speech is very precious, we may not like what some people say but at least the elephant is there in full display

From age sixteen to age twenty, a woman's body is a temple. From twenty-one to forty-five, it's an amusement park. From forty-five on, it's a terrarium.

From the book, "Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they are not there.

Funny is funny is funny.

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?" Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

genetically modified organism (GMO): (n.) member of the public who has regularly consumed the biotech industry’s food products.

Going to the seaside in winter is like seeing your partner first thing in the morning. Ugly, depressing and troubled by wind.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward. “I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me. If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

Having an unresolved Bad Boyfriend issue is like carrying around credit card debt . . . which can still show up and wreck your rating.

Gue nggak menafikan ada hal-hal mistis di sekitar kita, tapi ada air bekas cucian keris yang bisa bikin awet muda, gue sama sekali nggak percaya. Bagi yang percaya, ya silakan aja. Di zaman teknologi serbacanggih ini, kenapa nggak dibuat inovasi aja sih. Maksud gue, supaya nggak berebut, harusnya nyucinya di sungai aja. Terus airnya diproduksi massal, supaya bisa dicampur bahan kosmetik gitu.

HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. “You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully,” he lectured. “I skim them,” I protested. “Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects.” “I can handle . . .” “Impotence.” HARV smiled. “Oh,” I said. “Randy hasn’t really tested it on humans. It’s extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments,” HARV said. “Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion.” “Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.