Best 2389 quotes in «comedy quotes» category

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?" Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

Gue nggak menafikan ada hal-hal mistis di sekitar kita, tapi ada air bekas cucian keris yang bisa bikin awet muda, gue sama sekali nggak percaya. Bagi yang percaya, ya silakan aja. Di zaman teknologi serbacanggih ini, kenapa nggak dibuat inovasi aja sih. Maksud gue, supaya nggak berebut, harusnya nyucinya di sungai aja. Terus airnya diproduksi massal, supaya bisa dicampur bahan kosmetik gitu.

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward. “I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me. If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. “You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully,” he lectured. “I skim them,” I protested. “Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects.” “I can handle . . .” “Impotence.” HARV smiled. “Oh,” I said. “Randy hasn’t really tested it on humans. It’s extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments,” HARV said. “Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion.” “Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Having an unresolved Bad Boyfriend issue is like carrying around credit card debt . . . which can still show up and wreck your rating.

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

Having somebody help you doesn't mean that you have failed. It just means that you're not in it alone

He built his career on his mysterious Hispanic grandmother Dolorosa, who was born on the border of Mexico at a time when nobody could tell if it was part of Texas or Fort Apache.

He behaves the hard chaw, your man there, but he's thick as a plank for stupid.

Heaven makes you family, but a new generation of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors can make you friends.

HECKLER: Say something funny! COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.

He could sit in the dust and dark of the carriage house and rot for the rest of his life. Clearly that's what he wished to do. It was not my place to get in the way of so profound a destiny.

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.

He had a body that begged to be painted…with chocolate.

He had to die someday too. He might do it on sheets with a six-hundred-plus thread count, but he'd die just the same. Death wouldn't forget about him.

He had learned Lesson One: Let French women tell you what they want.

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you’ll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.

He looked like every glossy frat boy in every nerd movie ever made, like every popular town boy who’d ever looked right through her in high school, like every rotten rich kid who’d ever belonged where she hadn’t. My mama warned me about guys like you. He turned to her as if he’d heard her and took off his sunglasses, and she went down the steps to meet him, wiping her sweaty palms on her dust-smeared khaki shorts. “Hi, I’m Sophie Dempsey,” she said, flashing the Dempsey gotta-love-me grin as she held out her hot, grimy hand, and after a moment he took it. His hand was clean and cool and dry, and her heart pounded harder as she looked into his remote, gray eyes. “Hello, Sophie Dempsey,” her worst nightmare said. “Welcome to Temptation.

Hell is so bloody thing, but with Lucifer from Lucifer series, hell is like comedy.

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

Her dad turned to me. "You. Follow Me." "Woof," I said.

Her father huffed. "Take Rory with you too. He's better at this sneaking around stuff than you are." "Always knew I'd make you proud, Da," Rory said.

here’s why I take comedies seriously: they present and celebrate the world in which we survive our own and others’ mistakes, follies, transgressions, and deep sins. However lightly, dimly, or bleakly, comedies revel in our survival—in the delaying of death and the staying of the curse. Comedies tell the story of ruined folk somehow avoiding ruin.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.

He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don’t often make jokes.

He was now Fergus Escondido-Smith: poet, mystic, and sage extraordinaire.

He stares at me, not saying a word. I stare right back, lost in his eyes and determined to get my point across. If he wants to have a staring contest, he’ll lose, hands down. I know a good thing when I see it.

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.

He sighed, then said, "So basically, you're stalking her." "I am NOT stalking her." I insisted. "That's where you come in. If I followed her by myself, someone who did not understand the situation and did not realize that I am so responsible-" McGillicuddy snorted. "- might mistake what I am doing for stalking. However, her big brother is with me. Therefore we are protecting her.

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

He wanted to break up with me in the cafeteria? Fat chance. I leaned toward him and touched his arm in a girlfriend sort of way. “If you planned to stage a public breakup with me, you can forget it.” Amusement showed in his hazel eyes. “Think you can stop me?

Hey, he's not using a holster," I said, glancing at Alex's on the dresser. He laughed out loud. "Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It'd be so great if these things were true to life - the next scene would show him at hospital like, clutching himself in agony."'Angel - L.A.Weatherly

hi my name is luke, it rhymes with puke!

Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

hospital: (n.) where the healthy go to get misdiagnosed and the sick go to get mistreated.

Holly was staring at me. "Who were you talking to just then?" "No one! You!" "I don't believe you." "Look, does it really matter right now?" "If we're going to be working together, Lucy...." "Oh, hell! All right! I'll tell you! It's an evil haunted skull that lives in my backpack! Happy, now?

Holy shit, he was harder that a rod of steel, and as his leg ground out a torturous rhythm between my thighs, I realized I was hotter than spring in Seattle. This was not a dream, this was real, and I had just fondled the boner of the Grim Reaper.

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If only we could eat words.

How can you love someone who doesn't think they deserve to be loved?

How do i do this?