Best 2389 quotes in «comedy quotes» category

Family is not a career. It’s why you have a career. If you can’t be there for the big moments, then why are you doing it?

fanny-pack: (v.) to put on a few extra pounds during the holiday season.

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

Fate gives us relatives for one reason: so that we have to learn how to deal with people we'd otherwise never know.

Few people actually read. Instead, everyone likes pretending they read. If we spent as much time reading as we say we do, we'd be grossly overweight and depressed.

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch, Cooterville, Felchville, Dust Rag, Dough Bag, Uranus Ridge, Big Bottom, Hooter Holler, Quickskillet, Buck Wallow, Possum Strut ... We always say a picture speaks a thousand words, but isn’t the opposite equally true?

Food without wine is like a car without wheels.

For me, every week is a fashion week.

Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out! [covers the mole] Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit! [Fozzie uncovers the mole] Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

FRED WOLF: No one goes to Hollywood to meet their future husband or wife, or buy a house and have kids. They all go to Hollywood because they're kind of damaged and there's something they're searching for.

Freedom from likes and dislikes, the sudden sense of identification, the spirit of comedy.

From age sixteen to age twenty, a woman's body is a temple. From twenty-one to forty-five, it's an amusement park. From forty-five on, it's a terrarium.

Free speech is very precious, we may not like what some people say but at least the elephant is there in full display

From the book, "Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they are not there.

Funny is funny is funny.

Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.

genetically modified organism (GMO): (n.) member of the public who has regularly consumed the biotech industry’s food products.

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Going to the seaside in winter is like seeing your partner first thing in the morning. Ugly, depressing and troubled by wind.

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?" Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. “You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully,” he lectured. “I skim them,” I protested. “Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects.” “I can handle . . .” “Impotence.” HARV smiled. “Oh,” I said. “Randy hasn’t really tested it on humans. It’s extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments,” HARV said. “Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion.” “Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward. “I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me. If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

Gue nggak menafikan ada hal-hal mistis di sekitar kita, tapi ada air bekas cucian keris yang bisa bikin awet muda, gue sama sekali nggak percaya. Bagi yang percaya, ya silakan aja. Di zaman teknologi serbacanggih ini, kenapa nggak dibuat inovasi aja sih. Maksud gue, supaya nggak berebut, harusnya nyucinya di sungai aja. Terus airnya diproduksi massal, supaya bisa dicampur bahan kosmetik gitu.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Having an unresolved Bad Boyfriend issue is like carrying around credit card debt . . . which can still show up and wreck your rating.

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

Having somebody help you doesn't mean that you have failed. It just means that you're not in it alone

He behaves the hard chaw, your man there, but he's thick as a plank for stupid.

HECKLER: Say something funny! COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

He built his career on his mysterious Hispanic grandmother Dolorosa, who was born on the border of Mexico at a time when nobody could tell if it was part of Texas or Fort Apache.

Heaven makes you family, but a new generation of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors can make you friends.

He could sit in the dust and dark of the carriage house and rot for the rest of his life. Clearly that's what he wished to do. It was not my place to get in the way of so profound a destiny.

He had a body that begged to be painted…with chocolate.

He had learned Lesson One: Let French women tell you what they want.

He had to die someday too. He might do it on sheets with a six-hundred-plus thread count, but he'd die just the same. Death wouldn't forget about him.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

Hell is so bloody thing, but with Lucifer from Lucifer series, hell is like comedy.

He looked like every glossy frat boy in every nerd movie ever made, like every popular town boy who’d ever looked right through her in high school, like every rotten rich kid who’d ever belonged where she hadn’t. My mama warned me about guys like you. He turned to her as if he’d heard her and took off his sunglasses, and she went down the steps to meet him, wiping her sweaty palms on her dust-smeared khaki shorts. “Hi, I’m Sophie Dempsey,” she said, flashing the Dempsey gotta-love-me grin as she held out her hot, grimy hand, and after a moment he took it. His hand was clean and cool and dry, and her heart pounded harder as she looked into his remote, gray eyes. “Hello, Sophie Dempsey,” her worst nightmare said. “Welcome to Temptation.

Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you’ll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.

here’s why I take comedies seriously: they present and celebrate the world in which we survive our own and others’ mistakes, follies, transgressions, and deep sins. However lightly, dimly, or bleakly, comedies revel in our survival—in the delaying of death and the staying of the curse. Comedies tell the story of ruined folk somehow avoiding ruin.

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

Her father huffed. "Take Rory with you too. He's better at this sneaking around stuff than you are." "Always knew I'd make you proud, Da," Rory said.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.

Her dad turned to me. "You. Follow Me." "Woof," I said.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?