Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Everything in Australia is trying to kill you, haven't you heard? Half of the ten deadliest snakes in the world live in Queensland. And then there are the poisonous spiders and the jellyfish. Not to mention the crocs and the great white sharks. Another point in favor of New Zealand. Very benign place, En Zed.

Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence.

Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast

Everything's temporary...until it's not.

Everything seemed possible back then. As the physical changes of adolescence took hold, I resolved to install a few changes of my own, fashion this clay into something sensational. And I had a whole stack of manuals to help me do it--such is the magic when books and naïvety collide. As far as I was concerned, if it was shelved in the nonfiction section, it was true. And it staggered me that this earth-shattering knowledge was gathering dust on a library shelf. Why did people read anything else? Didn't they realize that humans only use 10 percent of their brains? Hadn't they hard of the kid in Russia who could move salt shakers with his mind alone?

Everything was fine, would continue to be fine, would eventually get even better as long as the supermarket did not slip.

Everything you do with thoughts in mind is masturbation, the real thing is somewhere else.

Everything you do wih thoughts in mind is masturbation, the real thing is somewhere else.

Every time I write a personal check, I feel like I've gone back in time. What year is it? Who's president? Do I even have the right to vote?

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

Every time I hear about somebody who wins a never-work-again sum in the lottery but keeps his or her day job I think, not a book person.

Every time you die, it hurts.

Evil” read backwards is “live.” Demon est deus inversus.

Evidence is of no longer consequence when hope enters the fray, and this is where faith is born—a seemingly abundant commodity certain powerful organizations feed on fervently, if not lavishly.

Evil is real but God is greater.

...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).

EWI: Emailing While Intoxicated

-Exagerado - acuso com um sorriso. -Não, amor - nega. - Apaixonado.

Excercise is nothing more than a depressing reminder that one is not a god.

Excuse me, but where do you think you’re going?” I asked. “I figured I’d put my underwear in with yours. That way they could all get to know each other.” One brown eyebrow lifted. “Unless you want to make some formal introductions right now?

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

Exiting the building, we shield our eyes with our hands and raise our voices. The wind has really picked up and is sending dirt, dust and debris airborne. A few windblown pedestrians, struggling to walk down the sidewalk, appear as though they might get blown away. I ask Tiger where he wants to go. "ANYWHERE…I DON'T CARE. AS LONG AS IT'S NOT FAR." "LET'S GRAB A CAB. WE CAN'T WALK IN THIS." As I open the backdoor of a Yellow Cab parked at the curb, the cabbie turns and gives me a mean look. "Are you the Floro's?" he asked. Tiger follows me into the backseat, as I answer- That we are. Tiger asked, "And you are?" The cabbie grunts- "ALEXANDER the fuck'n GREAT.

Expand. Why stick to just killing zombies? Or killing them just one way.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

Explosives, explosives. Feels like all we ever do is blow things up. Not very Evagardian." "Or extremely Evagardian, depending on your perspective," Deilani said.

Extroverts communicate well with others, Introverts communicate well with themselves

Eyes on hers, he flicked her shoulder. Her mouth fell open. She started stomping the floor. "What in God's name are you doing?" he demanded. "Trying to kill the giant tarantula, because the only reason I can figure you just fucking flicked me is because there was a big, fat spider on my shoulder.

Fackelmann claimed to have started a Log just to keep track of Kite's attempted pickup lines -- surefire lines like e.g. 'You're the second most beautiful woman I've ever seen, the first most beautiful woman I've ever seem being former Bristish Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher,' and 'If you came home with me I'm unusually confident that I could achieve an erection,' and said that if Kite wasn't still cherry at twenty-three and a half it was proof of some kind of divine-type grace.

Facebook is big. Bigger than Justin Bieber or Ashton Kutcher's Twitter following. Hell, it's even bigger than obesity and possibly just as lethal!

Fadwick Gorrim, at your service, OLD BOY!” he shouted at his face. “Can it be you, Pyrus? It’s been so long, Py!” Pyrus looked at the ground and shifted his eyes about the courtyard, avoiding his stare.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.

Fafhrd stopped, again wiped right hand on robe, and held it out. "Name's Fafhrd. Ef ay ef aitch ar dee." Again the Mouser shook it. "Gray Mouser," he said a touch defiantly, as if challenging anyone to laugh at the sobriquet. "Excuse me, but how exactly do you pronounce that? Faf-hrud?" "Just Faf-erd.

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, "Don't even think about it." A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons and tubes of the jungle gym- the results would not be pretty. Judd glanced at his watch. "I'll destroy it later.

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Fair enough…No inhaling battery acid,” I smirk. “We can’t breathe battery acid, can we?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen.

Fake it til you make it. Just make it.

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

Fall in love so madly that every leaf whispers words of love to your lover

Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.

Falling in love is not based on the length of time you spend together; it’s based on the innate mindfulness of each other’s joy.

...Falon sucked hard on her straw and swallowed. “You haven’t mentioned a girlfriend or a wife.” “That’s because I don’t have one.” Haley touched the tip of her nose with her finger. “Whew, I’m feeling good. I should drink more often. My ex left me a year ago for someone else,” she admitted and giggled. “I’ve been surviving on a steady diet of hate and loathing.” Falon raised her cup. “Whatever works, right?” “Yeah, I guess,” Haley agreed with a shrug and a grin. “She always complained that I wouldn’t allow myself to be exciting. Look at me now, though, I’m stranded in another country with no money or passport, wearing shorts with sea turtles on them with no underwear. I’m drunk with someone I don’t know who could very well kill me in my sleep.” The empty cup dropped from her hand onto the floor as her head lolled back against the chair. “I’m fucking exciting now.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

Falon stared at Del intently, trying to figure out what was different. As usual, Del was impeccably dressed in a lavender dress that revealed her curves. Her nail polish and shoes matched her clothing perfectly. Del’s shoulder-length blond hair looked the same. “Smile at me,” Falon said suddenly, and Del showed her teeth. “You got Botox again.” “Yeah, my dentist does it at his office now. I can get my teeth cleaned and my lines erased at the same time. If I could get him to do collagen injections, I’d be set. I wish these doctors would work together. If my gynecologist worked in the same office as my dentist, I’d look like a race car in the pit. I’d get it all done in one appointment and be back on the road in no time.” Del glanced at her watch. “That reminds me, I’m going to see a plastic surgeon for a consultation tomorrow, so I’ll be late getting here in the morning.” “Would you leave your face alone? Del, you look fine.” “It’s not my face, I’m thinking about having my vagina reshaped. The other day when I was being lasered, I was staring at it in the big mirror. You can really see all your girl junk in it, but it’s kind of magnified, so I wasn’t really sure if things were as out of proportion as they seemed. When I got home, I looked at it with a hand mirror, and it still doesn’t look right to me.” Del stood and began pulling up her dress. “You’ve seen a shitload of vaginas, so I want you to tell me—” “Don’t you dare whip that out in here!” Falon covered her eyes with her hand. “I’m not looking at it, Del. I’m not!” “Come on, really?” Del looked completely taken aback. “You looked at my boobs.” “That’s because you turned them loose before I realized what you were doing.” Falon waved her hand. “Your lady junk is far more personal than boobs.” “How so?” “Cleavage,” Falon blurted out. “You wear shirts that show cleavage, that’s like a little preview. Your lady junk is a total mystery, and I want it to stay that way...

Family time can put a strain on the mentally deranged." She clucked her tongue as though out of pity.

Famine sometimes increases the number of people who are overweight.