Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!

The oil and wine of merry meeting.

The one and only thing over which you have complete and total control is how you focus your own mind. Luckily, this determines everything else.

The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer.

The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!

The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.

The people who fear humor - and they are many - are suspicious of its power to present things in unexpected lights, to question received opinions and to suggest unforeseen possibilities.

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

The plural of spouse is spice.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

The president of General Motors was in a foul humor.

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

The really important things are said over cocktails and are never done.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

There are psychological repercussions to illness and we need a little more help to get through the effects not only on the afflicted but on the family. And I think there's even a place for humor in that.

There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

The reason we want to go on and on is because we live in an impoverished present.

There is always something to chuckle about. Sometimes we see it. Sometimes … we don't. Still, the world is filled with humor. It is there when we are happy and it is there to cheer us up when we are not.

There is always some frivolity in excellent minds; they have wings to rise, but also stray.