Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.

To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.

To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason.

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

Tony and I had a good on and off screen relationship, we are two very different people, but we did share a sense of humor, we now live in different parts of the world but when we find ourselves in the same place it is more or less as if there had been no years in between.

Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

Trailing 5-1, the Padres added an insurance run in the eighth inning.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking.

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Turner was like a pencil. He bent around that pitch!

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

Two devils rose from the water, and flew off through the air, crying, 'Oh, oh, oh!' and turning one over another, in sportive mockery.

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.

'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh.

Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.

Viagra is a drug, just like cocaine. It can cause you to become addicted.

Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you.

Up to now, America has not been a good milieu for the rise of a mass movement. What starts out here as a mass movement ends up as a racket, a cult, or a corporation.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show... called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!