Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Addiction is the primary way people escape the modern world. Unfortunately, it is destroying the modern world.

Adam mused, “Incorruptus. I never thought anyone would use that word to describe Lynch.” Ronan looked as pleased as a pit viper ever could.

Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!" Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

Added to the crazy legends was a collection of essays called: “Gazpacho for My Mother: Tales of Tritesza and Sorrow,” in which Fergus declared and adored the hair-raising fits of anguish, sadness and self-absorption he experienced as a Hispanic person of mostly non-Hispanic origin.

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

A deaf and dumb in the mist of morons is a renowed talkative among brains.

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

A dessert to a deserter in the desert burst, "You trust your thirst. And you are too hot! You scream for ice cream. And believe it or not, I may not be your first. But I might be your lust! Give it a shot...

Adeus, Ophelinha. Durma e coma, e não perca gramas.

A dirty and mean sense of humor first thing in the morning. I may learn to like you yet.

A death in reverse is the rewinding of life. I do not die of old age, in a bed surrounded by strangers my loved ones paid to take care of me. I die in reverse. I die falling back into a younger age. From my forty-five years to twenty-five. To sixteen. When we were in love. To fourteen: when we first met. To five. To one. To the hospital my mother died at from the complications of my existence. A life for a life.

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

A dialysis patient's life is hard. Laugh harder.

Adieu, mon cher vieux. Relis et rebûche ton conte. Laisse-le reposer et reprends-le, les livres ne se font pas comme les enfants, mais comme les pyramides, avec un dessin prémédité, et en apportant des grands blocs l´un par-dessus l´autre, à force de reins, de temps et de sueur, et ça ne sert à rien! et ça reste dans le désert! mais en le dominant prodigieusement. Les chacals pissent au bas et les bourgeois montent dessus, etc.; continue la comparaison.

A delightfully droll look at how the other half lives from a pet pooch's point of view.

A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that earth is part of a country, like Sierra Leone, Angola, or the Democratic Republic of Congo. In those countries, desperate battles for control have been going on for decades, and the armies that fight the battles finance their ambitions with diamonds. Villagers are forced to mine the diamonds by ruthless rebels who maintain order through terror: by raping women and hacking off the limbs of the children, something, by the way, you never see in the De Beers ads. The rebels then smuggle the diamonds into neighboring dictatorships in exchange for guns and cash. There the diamonds are sold to the highest bidder--whether they be terrorists or "legitimate" dealers--and finally they're laundered in Europe, shipped to America, and end up in jewelry stores where they're purchased by men and given to women in exchange for oral sex. In the feminized world we live in, it's practically national policy that women are more evolved that men--but if that's so, how come they're still so impressed by shiny objects?

Adrian briefly closed his eyes. "It's alright, Winston. We're just trying-" "No, it's not all right," said Oscar, slamming his fist on the table. "It's obvious you know something, and we're not leaving this room until you tell us what it is!" Winston frowned. "They said we only had fifteen minutes." "That-" started Oscar, holding up a finger. Then he deflated, clearing his throat. "- was actually true...

A dour-faced woman was working at a spinning wheel on a doorstep, and she frowned at Logen as he walked past with the unconscious apprentice over his shoulder. Logen smiled back at her. She was no beauty, that was sure, but it had been a very long time. The woman ducked into her house and kicked the door shut, leaving the wheel spinning. Logen sighed. The old magic was still there.

A dog is one of the few remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

A driver had been sent to meet us. He was gray-haired, short, and nimble and introduced himself. "I am Patrick and so is every fourth man in Ireland, and the ones in between are named Sean or Mick or Finn, and I'll be driving you.

A doctor, a logician and a marine biologist had also just arrived, flown in at phenomenal expense from Maximegalon to try to reason with the lead singer who had locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of pills and was refusing to come out till it could be proved conclusively to him that he wasn't a fish. The bass player was busy machine-gunning his bedroom and the drummer was nowhere on board. Frantic inquiries led to the discovery that he was standing on a beach on Santraginus V over a hundred light years away where, he claimed, he had been happy for over half an hour now and had found a small stone that would be his friend.

Admit when you're wrong. It doesn't fix a busted leg, of course, but it's a nice gesture none-the-less.

Adolin sighed softly. “Of course. He’s probably their leader now or something. Storming bridgeboy.

Adoption is the most intentional process on Earth.

Adrian, we hashed this out! Everything's gone perfectly until now. Why would you even think about deviating from the plan?' 'Um, because that's how we roll?

Adventures kept hidden, words kept silent. You became my greatest secret. And when you left, no one knew the source of the pain I felt. No one knew you existed, except my writhing heart.

Adversity does not just introduce a man to himself. It also introduces, to him, his family, his friends, and his partner.

A dwarf can go hundreds of miles with a cake like this in his pack,' Carrot went on. 'I bet he can,' said Colon gloomily. 'I bet all the time he'd be thinking, "Bloody hell, I hope I can find something else to eat soon, otherwise it's the bloody cake again.

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

Aeron’s stone-faced expression cracked, as he turned to give me a dumbfounded look. Meeting his questioning eyes, I let out a little annoyed sigh, “I refuse to believe that you don’t know the meaning of ‘cojones’.” “I’m well aware of the meaning,” he raised his eyebrows, fighting back a smile. “Just a little surprised at your choice of words…” “Yeah, I can really paint a verbal picture,” I responded dryly.

A European visitor in the 1880s remarked that the only sense not offended by American cooking was hearing.

Aer-O-Smith. Arrowsmith. Does the shirt belong to your weapon dealer?” “No.” “Then why do you wear the shirt of someone else’s weapon dealer?

A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.

A female dragon’s tail is of the utmost importance to her. Male dragons find them irresistible. After all where do you think the term ‘Getting some tail’ came from?

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

A few more of those smiles, and this guy isn’t going to know what hit him when the Earth girl impulsively kisses him for no apparent reason." -Reece Bryant

A few of the savage creatures (rabids) I could deal with, but taking on this many ventured very close to suicide. Once was enough, thanks

A few people paused to look at him, but Londoners were by now so accustomed to 'weirdies' of all kinds that his ritual aroused little interest.

A flat screen television lowered into view. It showed an animated Islamic documentary that focused mostly on the importance of wearing the proper attire. The final prophet was quoted often, yet absent from the feature. “If this Mohammed guy is so great, why wouldn’t they put him in the cartoon?” Kira wondered.

A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!

After 46 years of marriage, isn’t it amazing when you can look at your partner sound asleep next to you and still believe they have potential.

After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker.

After a certain age, you finally become the indisputable authority on the subject of yourself.

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After 25 the only thing you’ll be precocious at is death.

After a few minutes, he decided that kissing wasn't that hard, really, although it certainly wasn't everything it was cracked up to be . . . He tried closing his eyes but it made him uncomfortable, like someone was going to sneak up behind him and plunge a knife into his back.

A fresh surge of fury radiated from William as he sidled next to Puck. "He didn't ask you what they'd done. He asked you where they were. Answer!" "Do not intimidate my subjects," Puck snapped. To the man, he said, "I didn't ask you what they'd done. i asked you where they were.

A friend comes over with a Ouija board. It spells out: Bourbon. Where’s the band? Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.