Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

I'm beginning to feel that the real endangered species on planet earth are not the whales and the elephants but those of us who can laugh at the world and ourselves. ... I fear the dry turn of the American mind, this focus on the literal, as much as I fear our capacity for self-destruction. We've become hagridden by facts, obsessed with product instead of process. Where's the energetic wit, the looney outlook, the frivolity, the lightness of comforting laughter? It has become fashionable to know and unfashionable to feel, and you can't really laugh if you can't feel.

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.

I mean, yeah, I'm sure that Python and the other things have paved the way for a greater understanding of the British sense of humor, but I don't think it's all that different than the American sense of humor.

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I met a lot of famous people when I was about 24. And none of them seemed very appealing. And so I didn't know why I would struggle to be that kind of person.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice.

I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm in the public eye, so I don't care who knows what I get done. If I see something sagging, dragging, or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked, or plucked.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I'm not an expert on the Malaysian sense of humor.

I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

I'm not for gratuitous nudity, but if there's humor, I don't have a problem.

I'm not a very good impersonator, my friends maybe, but not famous people.

I'm not one of those famous people flying round the world emoting over every catastrophe. I'm too feeble.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I'm not really big on slapstick humor. I like gentle humor.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.