Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind'.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!

Knavery and flattery are blood relations.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Larry Moffett is 6' 3". Last year he was 6" 6".

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Laughter, and the broader category of humor, are key elements in helping us go on with our life after a loss.

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Laughter ispleasant, butthe exertion istoomuchfor me.

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols or bombs without incurring any penalties.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Liberty, like chastity, once lost, can never be regained in its original purity.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of risks anyway; why not take them?

Life is a campus: in a Greenwich Village bookstore, looking for a New Yorker collection, I asked of an earnest-looking assistant where I might find the humour section. Peering over her granny glasses, she enquired, "Humour studies would that be, sir?

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Life is tough; and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.