Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.

When all else fails, look cute.

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

When Caesar says, 'Do this', it is performed.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

whenever the literary german dives into a sentence, this is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.

When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.

When famous people come up to you it's a bit weird, but it's an honour, really, when they recognise you and want to chat to you for a bit.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

When I was a child there were many witches, and they bewitched both cattle and men, especially children.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.