Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

jokes are ideally pleasurable. They are an act of assassination without a corpse, a moment of total annihilation that paradoxically makes anything possible.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind'.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!

Knavery and flattery are blood relations.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.