Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

It's important I surround myself with people who make me happy.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.

It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

It's not so hard to get rich as it is to know when you have gotten rich.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

It's odd how violence and humor so often go together, isn't it?

It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.

It's really easy to avoid the tabloids. You just live your life and don't hang out with famous people who are in the tabloids. Don't do anything controversial and be a normal person. Have friends. And get a job and keep working.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

It's very hard to write humor.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

I've always chosen my band members based on their sense of humor. It might sound stupid, but it means not only are they fun to live with on a tour bus for years, but humor implies intelligence.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk!

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been around some very famous people, but no one has the effect Maradona has; people tremble in his presence.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.