Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese.

A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it.

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.

A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A jest often decides matters of importance more effectively and happily than seriousness.

A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way.

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.

Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

All my jobs have been with food in one way or another since 1948. My parents were in the hotel business, and I just loved the warm hearted people who worked so hard with such good humor.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

All work and no play doesn't just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

All you have shall some day be given. Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.