Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Billy Almon has all of his in-laws and outlaws here this afternoon.

Biography lends to death a new terror.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

But if you don't watch me, I will try and sneak in some humor. I see humor everywhere in life around me.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

By his provocations to good-natured merriment, a humorist of the first water contributes as much to the sum of happiness as the gravest philosopher.

Caffeine. The gateway drug.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

By way of personal instinct, I have an inherent distaste for grandiose rhetorical statements, which don't have any substantive dimension to them

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius. Corfu? It's just a poor man's Pensacola.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Cathy was the first widely syndicated humor strip created by a woman. The strip was pretty revolutionary at the time not only because it starred a female, but also because it was so emotionally honest about all the conflicting feelings many women had in 1976.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

Circumstance has no value. It is how one relates to the situation that has value. All the meaning resides in the personal relationship to a phenomenon, what it means to you.

Children are often the silent victims of drug abuse.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic.

Clumsy jesting is no joke.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no God!

Come, agree, the law's costly.

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!