Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

Above all things, and at all times, practice yourself in good humor.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

A boy is naturally full of humor.

Academics tend to have wonderfully infantile senses of humor.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

A college of wit-crackers cannot flout me out of my humor. Dost thou think I care for a satire or an epigram?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Action without thought is mindlessness, and thought without action is hypocritical.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!

A dirty joke is not, of course, a serious attack on morality, but it is a sort of mental rebellion, a momentary wish that things were otherwise.

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

Advertisers also know that humor can help bond us to their product.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.

A farce, or slapstick humor, does well universally.

A fox should not be on the jury at a goose's trial.

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah.

A friend you have to buy won't be worth what you pay for him.

After all, when a thought takes one's breath away, a lesson on grammar seems an impertinence.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it.