Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

Conservative humor is frankly harder than liberal humor. You get points for just being liberal. You can get more points if you make fun of your own side sometimes.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Dali had a good sense of humor - obviously you could tell just looking at him; he was funny.

Dan Moldea, the lead investigator for Larry Flynt's ongoing quest to uncover sexual indiscretions of Republican congressional members, has now admitted he was hired by the law firm defending President Clinton.

Dead birds don't fall out of their nests.

Davis fouls out to third in fair territory.

Death is an acquired trait.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Definition of lecture: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either. Definition of conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present Definition of office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. "What people say about me behind my back is none of my business.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

DeShaies is like a clock out there. Every other pitch goes one way or the other.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

Demons live in many lands, but particularly in Prussia.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real.

Doing is better than not doing, and if you do something badly you'll learn to do it better.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Don't let your mind stop you from having a good time.

Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead.

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.