Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Mr. Speaker. I said the honorable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honorable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

musicians rarely have a sense of humour, at least, about themselves.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

My best efforts were some modern things that looked like very lousy Matisses. Thank God I had the sense to realize they were lousy, and leave Paris.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

My good intentions are completely lethal.

My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.