Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen.

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

A metaphor is like a simile.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

And ah for a man to arise in me, That the man I am may cease to be!

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad.

And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor.

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.

And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

[Andrew Jackson] was actually 70 years old when he left the White House

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

An earthly kingdom cannot exist without inequality of persons. Some must be free, some serfs, some rulers, some subjects.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.