Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

I like friends as I like music - when I am in the mood.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

I like to deal with EVERY aspect of our condition, and that means terror and humor in equal mix. Some books have more room for humor than others.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I'll let you in on a secret: I can't stand Jay Ward. I hate being compared to Rocky and Bullwinkle. It's just a different style of humor.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'

I lost a button hole.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I love National Geographic. Just when you think you've seen the last lost native tribe, National Geographic will find a new one.

I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.