Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

I don't have a very quick sense of humor.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this >>>

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

I don't mean he missed him, but he just didn't get him when he put the tag on him.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse.

I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

I don't think humor is forced upon my universe; it's a part of it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.