Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins.

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying...

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

Sometimes big trees grow out of acorns - I think I heard that from a squirrel.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Sometimes it takes ten seconds to see some humor in your dilemmas, sometimes ten years.

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Sometimes you have to be lucky, but I always say that to be lucky, you have to fight for it.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

So you see, the quality of humor is not a personal or a national monopoly. It's as free as salvation, and, I am afraid, far more widely distributed. But it has its value, I think. The hard and sordid things of life are too hard and too sordid and too cruel for us to know and touch them year after year without some mitigating influence, some kindly veil to draw over them, from time to time, to blur the craggy outlines, and make the thorns less sharp and the cruelties less malignant.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Stand-up comics reflect less of a visual humor and more of a commentary.

Splendid couple - slept with both of them.

Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.

St. Francis of Assisi was hoeing his garden when someone asked what he would do if he were suddenly to learn that he would die before sunset that very day. "I would finish hoeing my garden," he replied.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

Successful crimes alone are justified.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.

Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!

Sunday is Senior Citizens' Day. And if you want to become a senior citizen, just call the Padre ticket office.

Sure, the comedians who swear or use scatological humor can get laughs, but they're uncomfortable laughs.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.