Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead.

Don't let your mind stop you from having a good time.

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Do what you do best, and outsource the rest.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

"Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" "Actually, I think you misheard," Clary said. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." "As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," "I knew we should have left you a rat," said Jace.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

Drug prohibition has caused gang warfare and other violent crimes by raising the prices of drugs so much that vicious criminals enter the market to make astronomical profits, and addicts rob and steal to get money to pay the inflated prices for their drugs.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

Drop the question of what tomorrow may bring, and count as profit every day that Fate allows you.

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

English is my second language. Laughter is my first.

Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.

Eric Show will be 0 for 10 if that pop fly ever comes down.

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.