Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist-I feel like countering with the word seriousist.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

If we can ... get them to understand that saying 'no' to drugs is rebelling against their parents and the generations of the past, we'd make it an enormous success.

If we don't have a sense of humor, we lack a sense of perspective

If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you can get humor and seriousness at the same time, you've created a special little thing, and that's what I'm looking for, because if you get pompous, you lose everything.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

If you cry ''Forward'' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions?

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching.

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?