Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

A calendar was hung in the kitchen as if to say: Expect more of the same.

Acardi! We should have killed him on the spot and you wouldn't let me! You didn't even listen." "Fine," I said, glaring at him. "Next time you want to commit murder, give me a call. You dagger them, I'll chop them into little tiny pieces and toss them into the East River." For the first time, I noticed the shadows beneath his eyes, the gauntness on his face. He lowered his voice, rubbing his temples as if he had a migraine. "This isn't the time for sarcasm, Liana." "No, apparently it's murder time.

...A canonical leader is someone whose exemplary rule might have appeared to be for the alleviation of the pains and miseries of a particular group, but which in reality is for the advancement of humanism...

Accept the fact that girls squeal when they're happy or confused or excited or scared or because they just saw a certain boy in line.

A cat is friendly in a hollow sort of way, like the way a prostitute is friendly.

According to Mark 11:12-13, God's messengers were not the only ones who were incompetent: 'He [Jesus] was hungry. And on seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to see if he could find anything on it. When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs.' Imagine Jesus, the divine, holy, wisest of the wise not knowing that figs were out of season. Now allegedly Jesus could have performed a miracle and made figs magically appear, but he preferred sour grapes instead: Then he said to the tree, 'May no one ever eat fruit from you again.' (Mark 11:14)

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

According to Mr Walt, there once was a place so utterly desolate, lacking in natural resources, and devoid of charm and beauty that nobody wanted to live there. And because it was such a miserable stink hole, no one bothered to name it. Then one day came a man and wife so utterly down and out that when their wagon broke there was nothing for them to do but stay, like Job on his ash heap, and wait for the end. With nothing to do they established the place as a trash dump, taking refuse from better-off pioneers on their way to greener pastures. In this way they eked a poor but bearable existence. The man's name is not remembered but the woman was called Alice and over time this bleak barren tract of worthless soil became known as the Dump of Alice. Through contraction, it has passed down to us today as Dallas.

A certain level of dignity must be maintained in this situation.

Accio Keds." I waited for a split second to see if it might work. Nope. Still a Muggle. Damn it. 99% Faking It

Accurately perceiving and following one’s intuition is, I think, the essential human spiritual process. The distractions, confusion, misinterpretations and temptations that oppose that process are enormous. At the same time, there are always clues for how to go about it. The divine is a mystery, so the impulse to really discover, like a child, has to be the core response to anything; that’s the only way beyond the habits, presumptions and prejudices that feed ignorance and fear. To question well, instead of hiding behind a belief or answer, requires the application of the most valued of all human qualities, such as compassion, courage, imagination, respect, humility, devotion, and ultimately love of life itself. This kind of passionate questing is evident in the most admired and, if you will, divine individuals in every culture, religion, and skill throughout history.

AC/DC is very easy to miao along to!

A cheery receptionist met Donovan as he entered and said something with an upside-down question mark at the beginning.

Acheron: You're really not right, are you? Nick: Yeah. I know. It was all the paint chips I ate as a kid. They were good, but chromosomally damaging

A cheerful readiness is what seems honest now, facing an uncertain future with humor, grace and dignity.

A chuckle escaped Meredith's lips as Cassie swung from sleepy little girl to sympathetic confidante to vengeful angel all in the course of a single minute.

Ack! I'm blind. Old man dick alert. Cover it up. She protested with her mouth, yet her eyes remained locked on his bare body. He swelled up to an even mightier size. Good grief. Just how big does that thing get? Should I duck and cover before it explodes?

A companion on a caffeine high will wake me up just as well, without the aftertaste.

Ach, wissen Sie, was man bei uns sagt: In Frankreich ist eine rote Ampel imperativ, in Italien fakultativ und in Brasilien dekorativ.

ací jau j f va morir com va viure sense ganes

A code is like love, it has created with clear intentions at the beginning, but it can get complicated.

A comedian is better than a politician; at least there is no doubt.

A cigarette, a sip, a question; breathing, drinking and asking, she demonstrates all the basic applications for the human mouth.

A clear conscience is due to a poor memory.

A collective spasm of carbophobia seized the country,...

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the moment.

A criptomnésia acontece imenso no humor e na música, e portanto tenho a noção de que há imensas coisas que escrevo de forma técnica que não são mais do que reinterpretações de coisas que já assimilei e vi, e esse risco corremo-lo sempre. – Herman José

A crazy old lady, leading a band of teenagers against an angry supernatural Entity - who’da thought?

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

Across the road from my cabin was a huge clear-cut--hundreds of acres of massive spruce stumps interspersed with tiny Douglas firs--products of what they call "Reforestation," which I guess makes the spindly firs en masse a "Reforest," which makes an individual spindly fir a "Refir," which means you could say that Weyerhauser, who owns the joint, has Refir Madness, since they think that sawing down 200-foot-tall spruces and replacing them with puling 2-foot Refirs is no different from farming beans or corn or alfalfa. They even call the towering spires they wipe from the Earth's face forever a "crop"--as if they'd planted the virgin forest! But I'm just a fisherman and may be missing some deeper significance in their nomenclature and stranger treatment of primordial trees.

A Corsai, a Malchai, and a Sunai walk into a bar— Everyone groaned, including August.

Act correctly. Incorrect action cannot be justified by incorrect action. An incorrect action taken to cover an incorrect action is doubly incorrect.

A country road, a gravel road, is a sign of civilization, sure, but it’s just a farm, an easy conquest. Iron means a stronghold, people who can defend what’s theirs.

Actors are learnt in flimsy ways. They’re speaking the words of someone else when you see them. A professional. Those are not their thoughts. So when you’re interviewing one it’s a bit of a gamble. Can they even string a sentence together? Are they an idiot? Are they the smartest person in the room? Are they well-read? Are they interesting? It always comes down to that last question. Are you interesting? Will you make this unique? I walked into this conversation expecting something. Can you deliver your lines like your characters do? Sometimes the answer is a resounding yes. Those are the best days. The worst ones go horribly. Because they’re just boring.

Actually, we shot it over two days and the ghost of Danny DeVito was devastatingly present the whole time.

A daffodil bulb will divide and redivide endlessly. That's why, like the peony, it is one of the few flowers you can find around abandoned farmhouses, still blooming and increasing in numbers fifty years after the farmer and his wife have moved to heaven, or the other place, Boca Raton. If you dig up a clump when no one is nearby and there is no danger of being shot, you'll find that there are scores of little bulbs in each clump, the progeny of a dozen or so planted by the farmer's wife in 1942. If you take these home, separate them, and plant them in your own yard, within a couple of years, you'll have a hundred daffodils for the mere price of a trespassing fine or imprisonment or both. I had this adventure once, and I consider it one of the great cheap thrills of my gardening career. I am not advocating trespassing, especially on my property, but there is no law against having a shovel in the trunk of your car.

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. "Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

Adam asked, "What is he doing, anyway?" "Peeing." "Trust Lynch to deface a place like this five minutes after getting here." "Deface? Marking his territory." "He must own more of Virginia than your father, then." "I don't think he's ever used an indoor toilet, now that I think about it.

A dam doesn't try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I'm doing much the same thing. I'm not trying to necessarily reason with them, just hold them still for a short while.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.

A day ago, the sight of a man removing his face would have blown thick chunks of Aiden’s mind out the back of his head, but not today. Today Aiden was fresh out of shock and running low on wonder.

Addiction is the primary way people escape the modern world. Unfortunately, it is destroying the modern world.

Adam mused, “Incorruptus. I never thought anyone would use that word to describe Lynch.” Ronan looked as pleased as a pit viper ever could.

Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!" Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

Added to the crazy legends was a collection of essays called: “Gazpacho for My Mother: Tales of Tritesza and Sorrow,” in which Fergus declared and adored the hair-raising fits of anguish, sadness and self-absorption he experienced as a Hispanic person of mostly non-Hispanic origin.

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

A deaf and dumb in the mist of morons is a renowed talkative among brains.

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.