Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Experimenting with drugs is like target practice where your head is the bull's-eye.

Famous people come up to me, but I don't know who they are because my sight is so bad. It's always at the pool of the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills when I don't have my lenses in and my glasses are in my room.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Find a subject you care about and which you in your heart feel others should care about. It is this genuine caring, and not your games with language, which will be the most compelling and seductive element in your style.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

Follow your own weird.

Force is all conquering, but it's victories are short lived.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

For health and the constant enjoyment of life, give me a keen and ever present sense of humor; it is the next best thing to an abiding faith in providence.

For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!

Fun is going to enhance interest, because people don't feel incompetent when they're having fun.

Funniness is the wild card in the pack.

Fun is about as good a habit as there is.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done.

George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Ghetto humor is the social twin of fantasy; together they sustain the powerless, who accomplish miracles through illusion.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Giving up the illusion that you can predict the future is a very liberating moment. All you can do is give yourself the capacity to respond... the creation of that capacity is the purpose of strategy.

Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

Go, and never darken my towels again

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.