Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Good morning, Meroe,' I said, dusting uselessly at my tracksuit pants. 'Might I interest you in today's special, pre-floured kitten?

Good evening, gentlemen!' said the vampire. 'Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It's not tearing your throats out that doesn't come easily to me. Please don't make it any harder.

Good find,” Ethan said. “Yeah,” Jeff agreed. “It’s pretty awesome. Like finding the Higgs boson.” Silence. “Aw, no physics fans here? Learn things you must,” Jeff said in his best Yoda voice. I rolled my eyes.

Good for you Woods. You're not as dumb as you look. Come to think of it, no one's as dumb as you look.

Good morning, Si! I saw a rat in the bathroom, but he was taking a nice nap and we didn’t bother each other.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Eat pudding. Books are good. Eat pudding. If kids read a lot. Eat pudding. They'll get so they can think clearly. Eat pudding. And if enough kids read and think. Eat pudding. We will have world peace. Eat pudding. Thank you very much. Eat pudding.

Good Heaven! That is enough to drive away all my pains; I could mount him with thirty balls in my body. On my soul, handsome stirrups!

Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.

Good morning, baby. You know that the government has a responsibility for their own actions.

Good things come in small packages. Shopping isn't a good thing, so be ready to carry big packages!

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Goodness, a girl steps out of the office for a couple days and the whole world ends!

Good news is, we're annoying him. Bad news is, we're all going to die painfully.

Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!" "Goodnight mom!

Good night. Don't let the boogeyman bite" "Mindy, there is no boogeyman, "I said as I snuggled in to bed, " I hauled Carl in years ago.

Good plan," Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.

Goodreads sports some of the social awkwardness of middle school. If you are looking for a friend, I promise no matter your background or book preferences I will be your friend. :)

Good stitchery," Kelsea told him. "But it will scar anyway, won't it?" The Fetch nodded. "I'm not God, nor am I the queen's surgeon." He gave her a mocking bow. "But it won't fester, and you can tell people that you took the wound in battle." "Battle?" "It was a battle getting all that armor off you, and I'll tell the world so." Kelsea smiled, put down the mirror, and turned to him.

Go out, get wasted, bang a bimbo.

Got a bout of doubt? Breathe.

Got it!" Mike announced. The GE record player slowly whirred to life, creaky as an old carousel. "Nice," John said, raising a beer in salute. "What'd you do?" "It wasn't on," Mike said.

Got here half an hour ago and had a look, eyeballin' it," Sawyer said. "It's murder, all right. Tell you something else - the sun went down, and it's as dark as the inside of a horses's ass out here." "You're sure?" "Well, I've never actually been inside a horses's ass.

Go thy way, and tell my people, the people of thy Lord God what manner of things, and how great wonders of the Lord thy God, thou hast seen.

Go thy way, weigh me the weight of the fire, or measure me the blast of the wind, or call me again the day that is past.

Gotten butt-ass, bone-dog naked for your vadge-cam?" Dante offered with an angelic smile, standing close. "Fucking hell, D." Griff turned to Beth with an apology, but she spoke first. "Huh-yeah. Thanks, cockbreath.

Go to the meat market of a Saturday night and see the crowds of live bipeds staring up at the long rows of dead quadrupeds. Does not that sight take a tooth out of the cannibal's jaw? Cannibals? who is not a cannibal? I tell you it will be more tolerable for the Fejee that salted down a lean missionary in his cellar against a coming famine; it will be more tolerable for that provident Fejee, I say, in the day of judgement, than for thee, civilized and enlightened gourmand, who naliest geese to the ground and feistiest on their bloated livers in thy paté-de-foie-gras.

Go play your games with Jim. I'll find you both when I need you." Arrogant asshole. "I tell you what, if you find us before those three days run out, I'll cook you a damn dinner and serve it to you naked." "Is that a promise?" "Yes. Go fuck yourself.

Gossiping's part of witchcraft,' said Tiffany. 'They're checking to see if they've gone batty yet.

Go thy way to a woman with child, and ask of her when she had fulfilled her nine months, if her womb may keep the birth any longer within her.

Gossip columnists patrol their mundane arena with the same sort of mysterious merit the advice-givers do. Plainly put, how does anyone become a gossip columnist? I can't simplify it down to a lower scale than that. Are there universities that offer courses in gossip writing? How about plain old Gossip 111? Are there that many literate people who could not write a gossip column? What then, qualifies the chosen few above the rest?

Got any mood music?” “If you press Play on the stereo you’re going to hear Miley Cyrus.” “I don’t know who that is.” “Count your blessings.

Grahame Coats did not go for walks; he had people to do that for him.

Gradually you became my worst memories with a beautiful past

GRANDMA: Are you a gay? ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man? *She laughs* ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.

Grandma told me not to 'squirrel' you... She and Anne saw two squirrels doing the deed, then the male squirrel ran off when it was over. I'm slightly offended she compared me to a hit-and-run rodent. I just want you to know that I want to share my branch and acorns with you, it's not just physical.

Grampie's boat was a little double-ender, a model not built nowadays. She was narrow, so that she pitched and rolled something wicked in almost any sea. He could handle her, but he said she was probably the boat Christ got out of and walked away from on the water.

Grace sat down where the chair wasn't.

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox.

Graham is late for school because I had him stay up late to watch Citizen Kane.

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

Grand designs in war are a thing of vanity. Victory goes to the general that blunders the least.” – Theodosius the Unconquered, Tyrant of Helike

Graham glared him into silence, his eyes cold enough to make a penguin wish it had stocked up on thermal underwear.

[G]randma was always afraid of something. She set aside time each day for dread. And not nameless dread. She was quite specific about the various tragedies stalking her. She feared pneumonia, muggers, riptides, meteors, drunk drivers, drug addicts, serial killers, tornadoes, doctors, unscrupulous grocery clerks, and the Russians. The depth of Grandma’s dread came home to me when she bought a lottery ticket and sat before the tv as the numbers were called. After her first three numbers were a match, she began praying feverishly that she wouldn’t have the next three. She dreaded winning, for fear that her heart would give out.

Gran follows recipes by looking at picture—to the eye, delicious; to the tongue, boiled socks. Makes you wanna cry really.

Gratitude without practicing maybe like practicing a faith without good work. A grateful heart is not enough without a grateful habit; because your joy is not produced by what you put in your heart but by habit you put in your life.

Great books live longer than people. They are gonna bury us all.

Great Gates almighty,” HARV said inside my brain. “I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

Great idea," I said. "Call the police. Call the fucking police.

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.

Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter.