Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

In order to be happy you need a good dog, a good woman, and ready money.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

Instant gratification takes too long.

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

In Switzerland, on a high mountain, not far from Lucerne, there is a lake they call Pilate's Pond, which the Devil has fixed upon as one of the chief residences of his evil spirits.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

In the field of snobbery, Australia is an underdeveloped country; even a few British ex-colonies, regarded as under developed in all other respects, could export a great deal of snobbery to Australia and still have enough to spare for their own, internal needs.

In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness , as adaptability, as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure who we are, or who anyone else is, either.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I put all the blame legally and morally on the actions of the terrorist, but America's secular and anti-Christian environment left us open to our Lord's decision not to protect. When a nation deserts God and expels God from the culture ... the result is not good.