Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

The masters of the comic spirit are often our prophets.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The more repression there is, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that repression. But too often sarcasm passes for irony, name-calling passes for insight, bleeped-out four-letter words pass for wit, and lowest-common-denominator jokes pass for analysis. Satire should have a point of view. It doesn't have to get a belly laugh. It does have to present criticism.

The most fatal disease of friendship is gradual decay, or dislike hourly increased by causes too slender for complaint, and too numerous for removal.

The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!

The oil and wine of merry meeting.

The one and only thing over which you have complete and total control is how you focus your own mind. Luckily, this determines everything else.

The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.

The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

The people who fear humor - and they are many - are suspicious of its power to present things in unexpected lights, to question received opinions and to suggest unforeseen possibilities.

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.

The plural of spouse is spice.

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.

The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him.

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

The president of General Motors was in a foul humor.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

There are psychological repercussions to illness and we need a little more help to get through the effects not only on the afflicted but on the family. And I think there's even a place for humor in that.

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

The really important things are said over cocktails and are never done.