Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

What is amusing now had to be taken in desperate earnest once.

What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don't feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature's effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.

What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they'll see things seriously.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What shall we do with...the Jews?...their homes also should be razed and destroyed.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...set fire to their synagogues or schools and bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

What was significant about the laughter . . . was not just the fact that it provides internal exercise for a person . . . form of jogging for the innards, but that it creates a mood in which the other positive emotions can be put to work, too.

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

When all else fails, look cute.

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

When Caesar says, 'Do this', it is performed.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

whenever the literary german dives into a sentence, this is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.

When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.

When famous people come up to you it's a bit weird, but it's an honour, really, when they recognise you and want to chat to you for a bit.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.