Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I can never do nothing in this house!

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!

I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

I could not tread these perilous paths in safety, if I did not keep a saving sense of humor.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

I didn't have all the expectations and the publicity. It probably made me work harder and learn more. It was a blessing in disguise.

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One's misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc., are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.