Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

This opens the door on another chapter of history.

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone.

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either.

Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.

Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those who have never had a father can at any rate never know the sweets of losing one. To most men the death of his father is a new lease of life.

Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

'Tis a superstition to insist on a special diet. All is made at last of the same chemical atoms.

Tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.

To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.

To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason.

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

Tony and I had a good on and off screen relationship, we are two very different people, but we did share a sense of humor, we now live in different parts of the world but when we find ourselves in the same place it is more or less as if there had been no years in between.

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking.

Trailing 5-1, the Padres added an insurance run in the eighth inning.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Turner was like a pencil. He bent around that pitch!