Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

We are at fault for not slaying the Jews.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them...

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them.

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross.

We go where our deepest desires take us.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

We know, on the authority of Moses, that longer than six thousand years the world did not exist.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

Well, honor is the subject of my story.

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

Well, darkness with humor... I'm not an extremely suicidal or sad person.

Well, it's a humor strip, so my first responsibility has always been to entertain the reader... But if, in addition, I can help move readers to thought and judgment about issues that concern me, so much the better.

Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is.

Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

We need not invite the Devil to our table; he is too ready to come without being asked. The air all about us is filled with demons.

We may well lie with what seems to be a woman of flesh and blood, and yet all the time it is only a devil in the shape of a woman.

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

We need to have a little humor in our lives. .If the time ever comes when we can't smile at ourselves, it will be a sad time.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

We often laughed at others in our house, and I picked up the craft of being polite while people were present and laughing later if there was anything to laugh about.

Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.