Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The writer's Queen Victoria is his public, and he would do well to keep a bust of the old Queen on his desk with the legend "We are not amused" hanging from it.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

They don't make you pay for the humor. It's up and down, but they're trying to give you as many laughs as possible in 2 minutes. They are the most honest comedians ever.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!

They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

Think of fear as a 2-year-old child who doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you. Because you must buy groceries, you'll just have to take the two year old with you. Fear is no different. In other words, acknowledge that fear exists but don't let it keep you from doing important tasks.

Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.

Thirty millions, mostly fools.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

This is probably as bad a day as the court has had on social issues since Roe vs. Wade.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone.

This opens the door on another chapter of history.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me.

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either.

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.

Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor.