Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.

Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults pointed out by our enemies than from hearing the opinions of friends.

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that Humour excites in those who lack it.

Nothing is stronger than habit.

...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds of people.

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.

Of all the band of personal traitors the sense of humor is the most dangerous.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew.

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

One does not laugh because one is happy; one is happy because one laughs.

One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'

One parody is worth a thousand polemics.

One of the things that's often forgotten about drug rehabilitation, it's not a destiny. It's a journey.