Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

That's part of our policy, is not to be taken seriously because I think our opposition, whoever they may be in all their manifest forms, don't know how to handle humour.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

That's the nature of research you don't know what in hell you're doing.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

That was like swatting June bugs off a fly.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The ACLU's got to take a lot of blame for this.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

The ballgame is over...in this inning.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.

The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.

The best scary movies have great humor in them and a great story.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

The best things in life must come by effort from within, not by gifts from the outside.

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

The best way to get rid of the Devil, if you cannot kill it with the words of Holy Scripture, is to rail at and mock him. Music, too, is very good; music is hateful to him, and drives him far away.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

The best work never was and never will be done for money.

The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc.

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

The big ballpark can do it all!

The blind see what they want to see.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

The British civil service ... is a beautifully designed and effective braking mechanism.

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape

The Cards lead the Dodgers 4-2 after one inning and that one hasn't even started.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions