Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother

Rock Hudson wasn't my type. He's a great guy and had a great sense of humor.

Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable.

Satire is moral outrage transformed into comic art.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Seems like the light at the end of the tunnel may be you.

Sense of humor: A thread of illuminated intelligence that links two opposite ideas.

Seriousness is the refuge of the shallow. There are events and personal experiences that call forth seriousness but they are fewer than most of us think.

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

She sleeps alone at last.

Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

Sin cannot tear you away from him [Christ] even though you commit adultery a hundred times a day and commit as many murders.

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help them heal as well as deal with not-so-funny stuff, I decided to discuss the events of the previous week, the pain all of us were feeling, and how humor and some laughter might be beneficial.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don't take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don't worship them. 6. Don't get your hopes up.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

Snakes and monkeys are subjected to the demon more than other animals. Satan lives in them and possesses them. He uses them to deceive men and to injure them.