Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up.

Good nature is worth more than knowledge, more than money, more than honor, to the persons who possess it.

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

Gossip columnists are diseases, like 'flu. Everyone is subject to them.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Great men are rarely isolated mountain-peaks; they are the summits of ranges.

Great marketing only makes a bad product fail faster.

Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Grubb goes back, back... He's under the warning track and makes the play.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Half the people you know are below average.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Happiness is like coke — something you get as a by-product in the process of making something else.

Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.

Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous.

Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

Hearing Mass is the ceremony I most favor during my travels. Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back.

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

Heaven will be inherited by every man who has heaven in his soul.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

He is like a female llama surprised in her bath.

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot.

He has such a patronizing tone and manner, and such a sarcastic sense of humor. I found him rather brutal, a kind of elegant brutality which appealed. No, I think he came pretty much off the page.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

Her Majesty is not a subject.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.