Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

I'm not a very good impersonator, my friends maybe, but not famous people.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

I'm not for gratuitous nudity, but if there's humor, I don't have a problem.

I'm not one of those famous people flying round the world emoting over every catastrophe. I'm too feeble.

I'm not really big on slapstick humor. I like gentle humor.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I'm sick to death of famous people standing up and using their celebrity to promote a cause. If I see a particular need, I do try to help. But there's a lot that can be achieved by putting a cheque in the right place and shutting up about it.

I'm sick to death of people saying we've made 11 albums that sounds exactly the same, Infact, we've made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

I'm struck by how laughter connects you with people. It's almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you're just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

I myself saw and touched at Dessay, a child of this sort, which had no human parents, but had proceeded from the Devil. He was twelve years old, and, in outward form, exactly resembled ordinary children.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea.

in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!

In brief, sir, study what you most affect.

In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge.

In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.

Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.