Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

She sleeps alone at last.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

Sin cannot tear you away from him [Christ] even though you commit adultery a hundred times a day and commit as many murders.

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help them heal as well as deal with not-so-funny stuff, I decided to discuss the events of the previous week, the pain all of us were feeling, and how humor and some laughter might be beneficial.

Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.

Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don't take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don't worship them. 6. Don't get your hopes up.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Snakes and monkeys are subjected to the demon more than other animals. Satan lives in them and possesses them. He uses them to deceive men and to injure them.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'