Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.

At bank, post office or supermarket, there is one universal law which you ignore at your own peril: the shortest line moves the slowest.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

At NBC I wasn't really sure if the grandparents were going to get my sense of humor on a particular topic.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

At Poltersberg, there is a lake similarly cursed. If you throw a stone into it, a dreadful storm immediately arises, and the whole neighboring district quakes to its centre. 'Tis the devils kept prisoner there.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.

A truly comic, invented world must live at the same time as the world we live in.

At the end, excitement maintained its hysteria.

At the end of my trial, I was rather hoping the judge would send me to Australia for the rest of my life.

At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote.

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

Australians are decent people with the right instincts and they wish everybody well; but if all is not well, it is none of their business and they will not lose too much sleep over it. The shrug of the shoulders has become - only temporarily, I daresay - the national gesture of Australia.

Australia objects to the mini-skirt not on moral but on economic grounds. Australians are no prudes and the lovely, healthy, sporty Australian girls have no reason to hide their knees and thighs. However, the mini-skirt is disastrous for the wool-trade.

Avoid popularity if you would have peace.

A wholesome sense of humor will be a safety valve that will enable you to apply the lighter touch to heavy problems and to learn some lessons in problem solving that "sweat and tears" often fail to dissolve.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!

A zebra does not change its spots.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

Be as a tower firmly set; Shakes not its top for any blast that blows.

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

Be bold in your caring, and be bold in your dreaming.

Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

Be fond of the man who jests at his scars, if you like; but never believe he is being on the level with you.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.