Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I got my start in silent radio.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

I have always employed humor, and I think it’s absolutely crucial that we do because, among other things, humor is the only free emotion. I mean, you can compel fear, as we know. You can compel love, actually, if somebody is isolated and dependent — it’s like the Stockholm syndrome. But you can’t compel laughter. It happens when two things come together and make a third unexpectedly. It happens when you learn something, too.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.