Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

My point is, I would never hurt you or your family.” I raised my chin at him. “If you tried to hurt my mother, I would totally kick your ass.” “Aha.” “Yes. You would be lying on the ground, crying, ‘No more, no more,’ and I would be kicking you in the stomach, wham, wham, wham!” He laughed softly.

My sex life is okay." "Yeah," Morelli said. "But sometimes it's fun to have a partner.

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

My soul may have a concussion.

My shoe life flashed before my eyes...

My side felt a lot better when Nora called me at noon the next day. "My nice policeman wants to see you," she said. "How do you feel?" "Terrible. I must've gone to bed sober." I pushed Asta out of the way and got up.

My sister lived in the moment. She said she would love the summer only when it came and warmed her. But I lived and still live in the future. Where it’s warm when it’s cold. Where dreams are not yet reality. Where the sad people are happy. The only problem with living in the future is that everyone has died, including yourself. So your plans are fiction and your predictions are fantasy. Living in the future is pure fantasy. I think that’s why I love it so dearly.

My soul is chaos, how can it be at all? There is everything in me: search and you will find out ... in me anything is possible, for I am he who at the supreme moment, in front of absolute nothingness, will laugh.

My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.” “But we ordered so much,” I say helplessly. “It made you happy,” he says simply. “Now I get to play with you. And that makes me happy.” “I don't think it's that simple an equation.” “Maybe not,” he concedes. “But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus.

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi!

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace 'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary

My theory is that Dad wanted to give Mom the only anniversary gift he hadn’t given her yet.” “You would take the romantic approach.” Zander had remained standing, one shoulder casually braced against the fireplace. “I think their anniversary reminded Garner that they’re getting older, and if they were ever going to be missionaries, it needed to be now.” Nora arched an eyebrow. “You would take the death-is-imminent approach.

My whore of a brother has done it again." "Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess." "I think I hate him." Poseidon to his brother, Zeus.

My take on personal evolution is largely about the spirit of connecting and disconnecting things, relating to what I call “the gap” or time and space between things. It is also about becoming practical in all this, developing the power and precision to simply bring the grand ideas home, to compress the paradigm of perception/choice/action/result into a single gesture.

My Uber driver in Sacramento was not like my San Franciso Uber from earlier that day at SFO. My SAC Uber driver’s first presdential election was JFK-Nixon (or Eisenhower in 1956) and he was already drawing a Social Security check. "Father Time" overshot my fixed location (twice) and then didn’t listen to the navigation instructions. This guy’s signature move (and totem animal) is a U-Turn, a mile past the original juncture.

My therapist has helped me learn to understand that if you don't unpack your own emotional baggage it's no longer baggage--it's deadweight.

My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.' 'I missed you too, Thurid.

My whole life, you have made decisions for me." "Your whole life," Georgiana pointed out, "totals nine years.

My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.

Nada nos divierte tanto a los chilenos como burlarnos de nosotros mismos, aunque jamás soportaríamos que lo hiciese un extranjero.

- Não sei se interprete as suas palavras como um galanteio, se não - replicou Scarlett, indecisa. - Não se trata de nenhum galanteio - explicou ele. - Quando é que perderá essa mania de imaginar galanteios em todas as palavras que os homens lhe dirigem? - Só depois de morta - respondeu ela. E sorriu, pensando que encontraria sempre homens que lhe dirigissem piropos, mesmo que Rhett nunca o fizesse. - Presunção e água benta cada qual toma a que quer - comentou Rhett. - Graças a Deus, tem ao menos uma virtude: a de ser sincera.

My Zora senses are tingling," I said. Nathan looked at me blankly. "Right, you don't know anything about Spiderman," I remembered. "Spider who?" he asked.

Nada es tan aburrido como saber mucho de tan poco.

Nachdem er zum fünften Mal aufgerutscht und ich zum fünften Mal weggerutscht war, setzte er erneut an. »Emely, du musst mir dringend bei etwas helfen.« Ohne zu wissen, was er überhaupt wollte, gab ich ihm seine Antwort. »Immer mit der Hand rauf und runter, das schaffst du auch ohne mich.« Andy und Sebastian prusteten los, doch Elyas schmunzelte nur.

Nah, Mike’s gonna stop by. He had to work late and he works with this really cute chick and I just know he….” Alycia folded her arms on her chest and pouted. “She better be a blonde bimbo with a huge rack and no personality if he’s gonna cheat on me.

Não podes fazer humor renegando todo o mundo à tua volta. Porque o que está à tua volta é o que vais buscar para as tuas piadas, sejam elas sobre política ou sobre quão ridícula é esta almofada - Nuno Markl

Nadie parece haber caído en cuenta de que si la existencia es absurda, lograr en ella un éxito brillante no tiene más valor que fracasar por completo.

Nadie se forma en la cola de las tortillas para comprar pan

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.

Names I am most commonly called by telemarketers: Simone, Slain, Siobhan, Flo, Stacey, Susan, Slater, Leanne, and Slow (Yes, my parents named me "Slow". That's because they hate me and made me sleep in the linen closet subsisting only on bath salts and Scope).

My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave. Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips)

N: AI. And also every race, religion, every creed, every political leaning will find something to learn about the body’s ability to lubricate itself. M: No! Well, all right . . . I have to concede, that is what the book is about. N: When you think about it, what we all have in common is a sort of assemblage of meat that has interesting nooks and crannies. M: Well, yeah, but then you have to find another meat assemblage with its own nooks and crannies, and then you have to start making the love. N: You’ve hooked me. If I were reading this introduction, I would now plunge ahead to chapter one. M: That’s the hook of the book. Meatloaf. N: Meatloaf . . . with gravy.

Nate had been born and raised in British Columbia, and Canadians hate, above all things, to offend. It was part of the national consciousness. "Be polite" was an unwritten, unspoken rule, but ingrained into the psyche of an entire country. (Of course, as with any rule, there were exceptions: parts of Quebec, where people maintained the "dismissive to the point of confrontation, with subsequent surrender" mind-set of the French; and hockey, in which any Canadian may, with impunity, slam, pummel, elbow, smack, punch, body-check, and beat the shit out of, with sticks, any other human being, punctuated by profanities, name-calling, questioning parentage, and accusations of bestiality, usually-coincidentally- in French.)

Nat realised they had a lot of talking to do, but she did question Isabella’s timing. In her experience, matters of the heart should not be discussed when one party had a silicone cock strapped to their waist while the other's mouth went dry at the thought of it entering her.

Natalya: "It was our favorite sister of NASA who guilt me into putting my tits on line to rescuing you helpless ornaments.

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

NASA spent millions of dollars inventing the ball-point pen so they could write in space. The Russians took a pencil.

Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

Nature has so much to do in this world, and is engaged in generating such a vast variety of co-existent productions, that she must surely be now and then too flurried and confused to distinguish between the different processes that she is carrying on at the same time. Starting from this point of view, it will always remain my private persuasion that Nature was absorbed in making cabbages when Mrs. Vesey was born, and that the good lady suffered the consequences of a vegetable preoccupation in the mind of the Mother of us all.

Nat: Maybe you broke something. Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down! Nat: Ah, it's nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That's the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again.

Nature is a porno. Deal with it.

Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial's court. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither. Yes, it is so, it is so -- it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole in it is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on't! There 'tis. Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog -- O, the dog is me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father: 'Father, your blessing.' Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my father -- well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother. O, that she could speak now like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her -- why, there 'tis: here's my mother's breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!

Nearly everywhere I've been, popular wisdom has it that the location of humanity's original planet is unknown, mysterious. In fact it isn't, as anyone who troubles to read on the subject will discover, but it is very, very, very far away from nearly anywhere, and not a tremendously interesting place. Or at the very least, not nearly as interesting as the enchanting idea that your people are not newcomers to their homes but in fact only recolonized the place they had belonged from the beginning of time. One meets this claim anywhere one finds a remotely human-habitable planet.

Necessity is the mother of invention, which probably explains why invention’s father left home on the pretext of buying a newspaper and hasn’t been heard of since.

Necross: The wound! It will prove fatal -- but -- I am not worried! Cerebus: Really? Why not? Necross: Because that means I'll be dead in a few minutes . . . OOPS . . . better make that a few . . . seconds . . .

Ned: I figured it was time for a picnic by the menagerie. Jenny: And you brought me? Why not take the woman you're marrying? Ned: She's grown up with the Duke of Ware. Lions seem less ferocious.

Necessity used to be the mother of invention, but then we ran out of things that were necessary.

-Neden adam onun kalbini yemiş? -Çünkü bazı erkekler canavardır. -Kadın neden onu seviyor? -Çünkü bazı kadınlar canavarlardan hoşlanır. -Ben de mi? -Bilmem. Sen de mi? -Ben normal canavarlardan hoşlanacağım -Büyük konuşma, seni de göreceğim.