Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror.

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

National League umpires wear inside chest protesters.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Nature never said to me: Do not be poor; still less did she say: Be rich; her cry to me was always: Be independent.

Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Netflix did it right and focused on all the things that have replaced the dumb, raw numbers of the Nielsen world - they embraced targeted marketing and 'brand' as a virtue higher than ratings.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Never complain, never explain personal motto of

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

Never moon a werewolf.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

"No comment" is a comment.

Nobody in love has a sense of humor.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.