Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.

Many sweat to reconcile St Paul and St James, but in vain. 'Faith justifies' and 'faith does not justify' contradict each other flatly. If any one can harmonize them I will give him my doctor's hood and let him call me a fool.

Many true words are spoken in jest.

Married people should not be quick to hear what is said by either when in ill humor.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

MASH offered real characters and everybody identified with them because they had such soul. The humor was intelligent and it always assumed that you had an intellect.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.

Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.

Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.

Men ought to find the difference between saltiness and bitterness. Certainly, he that hath a satirical vein, as he maketh others afraid of his wit, so he had need be afraid of others' memory.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?

Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.

Mirth is God's medicine.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.