Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

Make us laugh and you can pick all pockets.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.

Manners are a way of getting what you want without appearing to be an absolute swine.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.

Many sweat to reconcile St Paul and St James, but in vain. 'Faith justifies' and 'faith does not justify' contradict each other flatly. If any one can harmonize them I will give him my doctor's hood and let him call me a fool.

Many true words are spoken in jest.

Married people should not be quick to hear what is said by either when in ill humor.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

MASH offered real characters and everybody identified with them because they had such soul. The humor was intelligent and it always assumed that you had an intellect.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.

Men ought to find the difference between saltiness and bitterness. Certainly, he that hath a satirical vein, as he maketh others afraid of his wit, so he had need be afraid of others' memory.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?

Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.