Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.

Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders.

In looking for humor, keep in mind this guideline: Sometimes it takes a little time to see the humor in your upsets; you may not find something to laugh about immediately.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

In my opinion MS is a lot better at making money than it is at making good operating systems.

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

In order to be happy you need a good dog, a good woman, and ready money.

In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness , as adaptability, as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure who we are, or who anyone else is, either.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen.

I regard the writing of humor as a supreme artistic challenge.

I remain just one thing, and one thing only - and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.