Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I really wouldn't want to live in America. I found New York claustrophobic and dirty. I missed England when I was there, simple things like smells and the British sense of humor.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

I regard the writing of humor as a supreme artistic challenge.

I remain just one thing, and one thing only - and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather clerk's factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it...

Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of wisdom.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I see light at the end of the tunnel.

I should have no compassion on these witches; I should burn them all.

I should like to be a horse.

I sincerely believe that the collective efforts of many secularists during the past generation, resulting in the expulsion from our schools and from the public square, has left us vulnerable.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?