Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

If both Evendell and I survived this, we would have to discuss his timing when explosives were involved.

If can't do wisdom of God do at least foolishness of God

If a son has a peaceful relationship with his father, if neither of them ever shows contempt for the other, then either the father is a fool, or the son is.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.

If consultants followed their own advice, they wouldn't tell anyone.

I fear it is the end for us,’ wailed Marx as the bears inched closer. ‘Is this the way you saw yourself going. Pirate Captain: ‘In fact,’ said the Captain grumpily, ‘it’s pretty much the exact situation I usually try to cheer myself up with when I’m in a bit of a fix. “At least you’re not about to be eaten by bears and/or fall into a replica volcano,” I tell myself. So now I’ve got to come up with an even worse scenario, which is a nuisance.

I feel like a cup of tea with no milk. I just had one. It was disgusting.

I feel like all my stars have aligned, and Uranus wants to knock me out of orbit.

I feel like a million dollars don't you? ... Good, Lets go get some.

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says. ‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’ ‘Only if you do it quietly.’ ‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’ ‘Come back later.’ ‘No. You might be dead.

If dreams can't come true, then why not pretend?

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.

I feel like a blind man searching a dark room. (Old Man Alone on Labor Day Weekend -- blog post)

I feel like grabbing my crotch and checking to see if my balls are still there because I think they may be in her pocket and I need to get them back.

I feel like I'm going to catch hepatitis just standing here.

I feel weird.” Caroline blinked a few times. “Do you feel weird?” Brooks shrugged. “How weird? We’re all dressed like people in a Jane Austen book. I think weird comes with the territory.

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

I feel weird and not at all like myself, like Stefan Salvatore when he gets the taste for human blood after 150 years.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit

I feel like I was born the day my kids were and that my life before was only there to gain wisdom for them. The point is you do your best. Your very best every day. You do it and you do it for them!

I feel that the characters in my book, if they were real, would be like, "Seriously, another plot twist?

I feel very, very alone." "We're all alone, Reva," I told her. It was true: I was, she was. This was the maximum comfort I could offer.

I felt both relieved and irritated when Reva showed up, the way you'd feel if someone interrupted you in the middle of suicide. Not that what I was doing was suicide. In fact, it was the opposite of suicide. My hibernation was self-preservational. I thought it was going to save my life.

I feel like you’re trying to convince me that we don’t need condoms, but fuck that. If you impregnate me, I’m going to devour “ you like a praying mantis.” I pin Zeph against the wall and kiss her hard, because her threatening to kill or mutilate me is always so hot.

I feel moved to sing. It is very wrong to resist an impulse to sing; to hold back a natural evacuation of joy is as injurious as to hold back any other natural issue. It makes a man spiritually costive, and plugs him up with hard, caked, thwarted merriment. This, in the course of time, poisons his whole system and is likely to turn him into that most detestable of beings, a Dry Wit. God grant that I may never be a Dry Wit. Let me ever be a Wet Wit! Let me pour forth what mirth I have until I am utterly empty -- a Nit Wit.

I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.

I felt like I was well on my way to becoming the neighborhood cat lady. All I needed were the cats.

I felt my heart flutter on seeing her. Either I was in love or last night's whisky and finger chips were causing acidity.

I felt just the way I imagine the shade of poor old Samuel must have felt when the witch dragged him up from Sheol. "Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?" In fact, I had spent the morning darkness praying for the wisdom to do well by John Ames Boughton, and then when he woke me, I was immediately aware that my sullen old reptilian self would have handed him over to the Philistines for the sake of a few more minutes' sleep.

I felt offended. So offended that I planned to ignore for the next few weeks the "friends" who'd sent me those pictures. (I'm very organized in my pettiness, and I like to plan ahead.)

I felt more solidly composed, now that I was horizontal. I was impossible to knock down.

I felt the human disease that is ignorance suddenly leave my body. Just like that. Like a hot, desperate piss after a long car ride.

If everyone listened to me, the world would be a better place.

I felt like I’d just discovered my last big glass of milk had actually come from a bull.

If everyone else in the room is working on their next pitch, then fixating on the previous one puts you a step behind. This approach also applies to an overall career where it's better to focus on the next opportunity rather than ruminate on the missed chances and setbacks.

If everyone followed through on their resolutions, the conseqences for humanity would be dire: The fast food industry would collapse, the gyms would become unbearably crowded, and lifestyle magazines would have nothing left to say.

If God can help us locate demands, He can also help us locate the leaks.

If failure is supposed to be a stepping stone to success, then I'd like to have a serious chat with the fellow who set down those stones.

If God gives you a gift and you don't know what to do with it, it won't make you happy. Some of you God gave a wonderful husband but you can't make a home and some of you God gave a wonderful wife but you can't make a good husband. Some of you can't even unwrap the gift so that you can appreciate it.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

If he didn’t want to talk about it, I wouldn’t mention anything. I wanted him to open it up for me, not me intruding and asking questions to him.

If he didn't call you by name, then you've got nothing to worry about. Maybe he has a glass eye and couldn't look at anyone but you." "You could be right. But I've always thought glass eyes were kind of expressionless, not hate-filled and menacing.

If he goes for my nose again, I fink I'll hang him up by his little balls,' one of the Guard said, getting to his feet. Froi tried to ignore the mockery. 'Nothing little about me,' he grunted. 'Don't take my word for it, Hindley. Ask your wife. She seemed happy last night, you know, with the size and all.

If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me.  And I really, really don’t want him to break up with me, Linc.” “But murdering me, that’s all good?

If he's like any other man I've ever met, it's not my smile he's going to be looking at.

If hitting an unexpected speed bump with your car equates to the best sex you've had lately, you know your hormones are sending you a signal.