Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

The joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious humor.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.

The law often permits what honor prohibits.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

The man who tells me an indelicate story does me an injury.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

The masters of the comic spirit are often our prophets.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

The most fatal disease of friendship is gradual decay, or dislike hourly increased by causes too slender for complaint, and too numerous for removal.

The more repression there is, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that repression. But too often sarcasm passes for irony, name-calling passes for insight, bleeped-out four-letter words pass for wit, and lowest-common-denominator jokes pass for analysis. Satire should have a point of view. It doesn't have to get a belly laugh. It does have to present criticism.

The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

The oil and wine of merry meeting.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

The one and only thing over which you have complete and total control is how you focus your own mind. Luckily, this determines everything else.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.

The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

The people who fear humor - and they are many - are suspicious of its power to present things in unexpected lights, to question received opinions and to suggest unforeseen possibilities.