Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

It is the saying of an ancient sage that humor was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor.

It is those who concentrates on but one thing at a time who advance in this world. The great man or woman is the one who never steps outside his or her specialty or foolishly dissipates his or her individuality.

It is very comforting to believe that leaders who do terrible things are, in fact, mad. That way, all we have to do is make sure we don't put psychotics in high places and we've got the problem solved.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I took a baby shower.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

I tried the Scarsdale diet and the Stillman water diet (you remember that one, where you run weight off trying to get to the bathroom).

I try to offset any tendency towards the macabre with humour. As I see it, this is a typically English form of humour. It's a piece with such jokes as the one about the man who was being led to the gallows to be hanged. He looked at the trap door in the gallows, which was flimsily constructed, and he asked in some alarm, 'I say, is that thing safe?

It's a base hit on the error by Roberts.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

It's a fine night to have an evening.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

It's all a big hoax, honey. I never wrote a song in my life. I get one-third of the credit for recording it. It makes me look smarter than I am. I've never even had an idea for a song. Just once, mybe.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.

it's dreadful when two people's senses of humor are antagonistic. I don't believe there's any bridging that gulf!

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

It's funny - there's nothing that stops you laughing like the sight of other people laughing about something else.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

It's important I surround myself with people who make me happy.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.

It's not so hard to get rich as it is to know when you have gotten rich.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

It's odd how violence and humor so often go together, isn't it?

It's really easy to avoid the tabloids. You just live your life and don't hang out with famous people who are in the tabloids. Don't do anything controversial and be a normal person. Have friends. And get a job and keep working.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

It's very hard to write humor.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.