Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog.

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Arouse in the other person an eager want.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

A sense of humor has been linked with longevity. It is a possibility that the mental attitude reflected in a lively sense of humor is an important factor predisposing some people toward long life.

A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything.

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

As for George Bush of Kennebunkport, Maine- personally I think he's further evidence that the Great Scriptwriter in the Sky has an overdeveloped sense of irony.

As for the demented, I hold it certain that all beings deprived of reason are thus afflicted only by the Devil.

Avoid popularity if you would have peace.

A wholesome sense of humor will be a safety valve that will enable you to apply the lighter touch to heavy problems and to learn some lessons in problem solving that "sweat and tears" often fail to dissolve.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!

A zebra does not change its spots.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

Be as a tower firmly set; Shakes not its top for any blast that blows.

As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

A sense of humor is so handy, isn't it? It lets you see both sides of a question so that you never need do anything.

A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference. It pardons shortcomings, it consoles failure.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

A sharp sense of the ironic can be the equivalent of the faith that moves mountains. Far more quicky than reason or logic, irony can penetrate rage and puncture self-pity.

As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.

As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.