Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead.

Anyone in the humor business isn't thinking clearly if he doesn't surround himself with idea people. Otherwise, you settle for mediocrity - or you burn yourself out.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog.

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Arouse in the other person an eager want.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.

As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

A sense of humor has been linked with longevity. It is a possibility that the mental attitude reflected in a lively sense of humor is an important factor predisposing some people toward long life.

A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

A sense of humor is so handy, isn't it? It lets you see both sides of a question so that you never need do anything.

A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference. It pardons shortcomings, it consoles failure.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself.

As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

As for George Bush of Kennebunkport, Maine- personally I think he's further evidence that the Great Scriptwriter in the Sky has an overdeveloped sense of irony.

A sharp sense of the ironic can be the equivalent of the faith that moves mountains. Far more quicky than reason or logic, irony can penetrate rage and puncture self-pity.

As for the demented, I hold it certain that all beings deprived of reason are thus afflicted only by the Devil.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.

As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!

A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

As one reads history ... one is absolutely sickened, not by the crimes that the wicked have committed, but by the punishments that the good have inflicted.