Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Look at the Metropolitan Community Church today, the gay church, almost accepted into the World Council of Churches. Almost, the vote was against them. But they will try again and again until they get in, and the tragedy is that they would get one vote. Because they are spoken of here in Jude as being brute beasts, that is going to the baser lust of the flesh to live immorally, and so Jude describes this as apostasy. But thank God this vile and satanic system will one day be utterly annihilated and there'll be a celebration in heaven.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

Make us laugh and you can pick all pockets.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

Manners are a way of getting what you want without appearing to be an absolute swine.

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.

Many sweat to reconcile St Paul and St James, but in vain. 'Faith justifies' and 'faith does not justify' contradict each other flatly. If any one can harmonize them I will give him my doctor's hood and let him call me a fool.

Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

Many true words are spoken in jest.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

Married people should not be quick to hear what is said by either when in ill humor.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

MASH offered real characters and everybody identified with them because they had such soul. The humor was intelligent and it always assumed that you had an intellect.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.

Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.

Men ought to find the difference between saltiness and bitterness. Certainly, he that hath a satirical vein, as he maketh others afraid of his wit, so he had need be afraid of others' memory.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.