Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One's misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc., are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

I don't have a very quick sense of humor.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this >>>

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.

I don't mean he missed him, but he just didn't get him when he put the tag on him.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse.

I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

I don't think humor is forced upon my universe; it's a part of it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.