Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

I almost feel like throwing Jimmy into the stove, as the priest in Kulenberg did.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I am a deeply superficial person.

I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

I am a great believer that what makes our show different is the humor.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

I am no longer a curmudgeon. I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am one of the unpraised, unrewarded millions without whom Statistics would be a bankrupt science. It is we who are born, who marry, who die, in constant ratios.

I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.