Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

There is no rustic so rude but that, if he dreams or fancies anything, it must be the whisper of the Holy Ghost, and he himself a prophet.

There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.

There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.

There is scarcely an aspect of the American character to which humor is not related, few which in some sense it has not governed. ... It is a lawless element, full of surprises.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

There's a deep fly ball... Winfield goes back, back... his head hits the wall ... it's rolling towards second base.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a hard shot to LeMaster, he throws Madlock into the dugout.

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

There's a shot up the alley. Oh, it's just foul.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Theres no drama like wrestling.

There's no difference between fame and infamy now. There's a new school of professional famous people that don't do anything. They don't create anything.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

There's two heads to every coin.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!

There was a time I was very much blaming the way I felt on L.A, that it was a vacuum of creativity, of humor or anything organic, and I was really angry at the place. But then today I feel completely different - I love L.A.!

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

The righteous one has no sense of humor.

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The search for truth can be compared to a cat chasing her tail: frantic in her pursuit, her quarry nevetheless eludes her; despite the fact that all the world can see it's right there, it remains just beyond her reach. It cannot be possessed because, paradoxically, it is already part of her.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

The secret to humor is surprise.