Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.

Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

All my jobs have been with food in one way or another since 1948. My parents were in the hotel business, and I just loved the warm hearted people who worked so hard with such good humor.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

All work and no play doesn't just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention.

All you have shall some day be given. Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

A lot of political people, especially people on the left, have forgotten the importance of humor as an incredible weapon, and a vehicle through which to affect change.

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Although the rudiments of snobbery are there, its finer developments are basically alien to the Australian soul - that is, if Australians have a soul; many people believe that they are too matter-of-fact and down-to-earth to have such fancy commodities.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages.