Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I give him a skeptical look. “You want to show me your dick?” “If it’ll help convince you.” He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. “Come on, let’s go.

I glanced over, he was still looking at me. ''Uh... do you need something?'' ''No.'' ''Oh, okay.'' ''It's just...'' he leaned in, ''...you have an onion ring taped to your back.'' ''...Excuse me?'' ''There is a ring of onion applied to you back with an adhesive strip.'' I searched his eyes, he seemed amused, but sincere. My hand flew to my back with a look of horror and there it was, with ketchup and everything.

I get this buzz every time I'm quoted online. The ego high... yes... but also a Google Alert.

I g-g-guess...I'm dead?" she heard her own voice call out, strangely high-pitched and thin. For a long time, she heard nothing else. And then: "Hi, Dead. I'm Dan.

I glared at Christian as the blood smeared around. “You could have at least licked it.” He smirked darkly. “I hear that all too often.

Ignorance is bliss until it isn't

I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez-- talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

I got into magic because I got into alchemy. Which I got into because I was into chemistry, which I was learning about because I wanted to get better with botany, which I had taken up studying in an effort to grow some killer weed

I go on the presumption that everyone's full of shit until proven otherwise, and this usually serves me in good stead.

I got dressed. You can't be Midnight Mayor in your underpants.

Ignore people who say you can't do it, even if this person is yourself.

I got your flowers. They’re beautiful, thank you.” A gorgeous riot of Gerber daisies and lilies in a rainbow of reds, pinks, yellows and oranges. “Welcome. Bet Duncan loved sending one of his guys out to pick them up for me.” She could hear the smile in his voice, imagined the devilish twinkle in his eyes. “Oh, he did. Said it’s probably the first time in the history of WITSEC that a U.S. Marshal delivered flowers to one of their witnesses.” A low chuckle. “Well, this was a special circumstance, so they helped me out.” “I loved the card you sent with them the best though.” Proud of you. Give ‘em hell tomorrow. He’d signed it Nathan rather than Nate, which had made her smile. “I had no idea you were romantic,” she continued. “All these interesting things I’m learning about you.” She hadn’t been able to wipe the silly smile off her face after one of the security team members had knocked on her door and handed them to her with a goofy smile and a, “special delivery”. “Baby, you haven’t seen anything yet. When the trial’s done you’re gonna get all the romance you can handle, and then some.” “Really?” Now that was something for a girl to look forward to, and it sure as hell did the trick in taking her mind off her worries. “Well I’m all intrigued, because it’s been forever since I was romanced. What do you have in mind? Candlelit dinners? Going to the movies? Long walks? Lazy afternoon picnics?” “Not gonna give away my hand this early on, but I’ll take those into consideration.” “And what’s the key to your heart, by the way? I mean, other than the thing I did to you this morning.” “What thing is that? Refresh my memory,” he said, a teasing note in his voice. She smiled, enjoying the light banter. It felt good to let her worry about tomorrow go and focus on what she had to look forward to when this was all done. Being with him again, seeing her family, getting back to her life. A life that would hopefully include Nathan in a romantic capacity. “Waking you up with my mouth.” He gave a low groan. “I loved every second of it. But think simpler.” Simpler than sex? For a guy like him? “Food, then. I bet you’re a sucker for a home-cooked meal. Am I right?” He chuckled. “That works too, but it’s still not the key.” “Then what?” “You.” She blinked, her heart squeezing at the conviction behind his answer. “Me?” “Yeah, just you. And maybe bacon,” he added, a smile in his voice. He was so freaking adorable. “So you’re saying if I made and served you a BLT, you’d be putty in my hands?” Seemed hard to imagine, but okay. A masculine rumble filled her ears. “God, yeah.” She couldn’t help the sappy smile that spread across her face. “Wow, you are easy. And I can definitely arrange that.” “I can hardly wait. Will you serve it to me naked? Or maybe wearing just a frilly little apron and heels?” She smothered a laugh, but a clear image of her doing just that popped into her head, serving him the sandwich in that sexy outfit while watching his eyes go all heated. “Depends on how good you are.” “Oh, baby, I’ll be so good to you, you have no idea.

I guess it could be worse. My name could be Tlaquepaque, or Irkutsk, or Pyongyang. Or, you know, Pittsburgh. Sometimes I flip through the atlas just to remind myself of all the names that would be worse than mine.

I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

I guess you could say I’ve got a monkey on my back. A monkey named Darwin.” He shrugged off the trench coat and there she was, clinging tightly to his shoulders. The hunch on his back wasn’t a hunch at all, but as fine a specimen of a female chimpanzee as I’m ever likely to see.

I guess all my afternoon beers and burgers were catching up with me, which made me want to scream THEN WHY NOT MY HAIR!?

I guess if you get too close, the twinkling stops; they don’t look like stars anymore.

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

I had a bucket list, I had a fuck-it list. Killing myself was part of neither.

I grew up once, I decided never to do it again

...I guess I can put two and two together." "Sometimes the answer's four," I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...

I guess I could go and get a bunch of knives from the Kitchen aisles and throw them at the intruders. So lame. I wanted to wring my own neck for being so lame.

I guess I forgot we were going out tonight." "We always go out on Fridays." "It's Thursday, Alvis." "You are so tied to routine.

I guess it’s true what they say: it’s really hard to spot someone dressed in meat, slinking along a meat wall. —Sadia: The 8th Circle of Heck

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop.

I guess if I'd really thought things through, I would have been prepared for the screams.

I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.

I had a dream about you, and in the dream you were dreaming of me. We were meant for each other subconsciously.

I guess you probably won't be drinking the Johnnie Walker Black Label I brought for you," Corinna remarked. "I honor your gesture, but I only drink reverse-osmosis water these days, " Bernard said. "I honor your gesture?" My God, look what happens to Hong Kong men when they move to California, Corinna thought in horror.

I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else.

I had a dream about you last night. We moved into a cabin in the countryside. I couldn't handle the spiders. You couldn't handle my drama. I moved back to the city.

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.

I had a dream about you last night. We were in your old Civic. Nine Inch Nails was turned up on the stereo and I was taking pictures of you behind the wheel with my disposable camera. We went through the drive through at El Pollo Loco, placed an order for a hundred bucks worth of food, and then just drove off at the window. I miss being stupid with you.

I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.

I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore.

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

I had an epiphany a few years ago when I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends.

I had a dream about you… but I don’t know you…who are you?

I had a dream about you last night, for the millionth time! We did what we always do in my dreams. We talked, but we never made out. How come I still dream about you if we never freaking make out?

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.

I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.