Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!

They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

Think of fear as a 2-year-old child who doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you. Because you must buy groceries, you'll just have to take the two year old with you. Fear is no different. In other words, acknowledge that fear exists but don't let it keep you from doing important tasks.

Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.

Thirty millions, mostly fools.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

This is probably as bad a day as the court has had on social issues since Roe vs. Wade.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

This opens the door on another chapter of history.

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone.

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either.

Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.

Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those who have never had a father can at any rate never know the sweets of losing one. To most men the death of his father is a new lease of life.

Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.

'Tis a superstition to insist on a special diet. All is made at last of the same chemical atoms.

To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.

To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason.