Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

My friends, there are no friends.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

My good intentions are completely lethal.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.

My makeup wasn't smeared, I wasn't disheveled, I behaved politely, and I never finished off a bottle, so how could I be alcoholic?

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.