Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play.

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'

If you want to feel good, be rational.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I got my start in silent radio.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan