Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Dreams are fragile. Reality is a clumsy postman.

[Dream] I do not want a grape. [Desire] I could make you want one.

Dreams are memories. Memories are dreams. But my time with you hasn’t become a dream just yet. Because the sensation of your kisses keep me from sleep. I’m in love, God help me, I’m in love.

Dr. Jacobus, I am walking out your doors right now. I need clothes. I am going to Vatican City. One does not go to Vatican City with ones ass hanging out. Do I make myself clear?

Dress for success. Also arm yourself for it.

Dr. Pervy-Pants Dr. Depravity Dr. Ain't-Puttin'-Out Dr. Bossy-as-Fuck Dr. Obsessive-Compulsive Dr. Kinkybones Dr. Deviant Dr. Oh-So-Proper-I-Iron-My-Jeans Dr. Lick-My-Boots Dr. Smug-as-Shit Dr. Love-Me-Love-My-Butt-Nozzle Dr. Damn-Your-Dick-is-Motherfucking-Big Dr. Full-of-Shit Dr. Smack-a-Lot Dr. Ruined-Me-For-Anyone-Else

Drop. Your weapon. And. Come quietly,” said a robotic voice. “Kiss. My ass,” said Zita, mocking the robot’s tone.

Dr. Urbino replied without looking at her: “I did not know that fellow was a poet.” And then he wiped him from his memory, because among other things, his profession had accustomed him to the ethical management of forgetfulness.

Drop something?" he asked, trying to suppress a smile but failing miserably at the act. I nodded and smiled back at him sheepishly, unable to find my voice to respond in any other way. "Interested in locks, I see," he commented. I nodded again. "Well, here you go," he said, and he handed the book to me. I nodded. Oh crap, why did I just nod? Take the book! I screamed inside my head. Take it! I took it slowly. He kept looking at me, smiling.

Dressing, I chose the second shirt, the one softened in the mouth of a trained and perfumed albino hippopotamus and made entirely of pigeon's wool, because it goes better with the shoes than the one stitched with baby hair.

...drunks and leggings always tell the truth.

...ducks and geese are foolish things, and must be looked after, but girls can take care of themselves.

DTH, as in direct to home?" she asked the question i had prepared my answer for. "No DTH here is direct to heart," i said, hoping she would laugh this time.

Duct tape can't fix stupid," Bas growled. "Maybe not," Red replied, "but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.

Dune: ...That's disgraceful! Sette: So's your face!

Durbin looked from one of them to another, and shook his head. "So what is all this, exactly? Who are you people, the Ghostbusters?" "Hell, no." Lena clasped Georgia's shoulder while the other woman helped her into a sitting position. "Bill Murray's got nothing on me.

During the act of making something, I experience a kind of blissful absence of the self and a loss of time. When I am done, I return to both feeling as restored as if I had been on a trip. I almost never get this feeling any other way. I once spent sixteen hours making 150 wedding invitations by hand and was not for one instance of that time tempted to eat or look at my watch. By contrast, if seated at the computer, I check my email conservatively 30,000 times a day. When I am writing, I must have a snack, call a friend, or abuse myself every ten minutes. I used to think that this was nothing more than the difference between those things we do for love and those we do for money. But that can't be the whole story. I didn't always write for a living, and even back when it was my most fondly held dream to one day be able to do so, writing was always difficult. Writing is like pulling teeth. From my dick.

During the "first Thanksgiving" at Plymouth, Wampanoag Indians - including a Patuxet Indian named Squanto - helped teach Pilgrims how to farm, fish, and hunt and shared the bounty of that first feast. A TRADITION THAT CONTINUES TODAY AND JESUS AND 9/11.

Dum walks backwards, talking to us. “We’re going back to high school where our survival instincts are at their finest.” “If you get the urge to graffiti the walls or beat up your old math teacher,” says Dee, “do it where the birds can’t see you.

Dude!" cried Time. "What the fuck, man!" "Sorry," said Cooper. "I thought this was a bathroom." He stuck out a pouty lower lip. "What could possibly have led you to believe this was a bathroom?" the lizard creature hissed. "The door is clearly marked OFFICE!" "I can't read your lizard language," said Cooper.

Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.

Duke to Michel: I’m fairly certain that even if you’d struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.

Dunce is completely bald and has a really pointed head so the temptation to get him paralytic on his thirtieth birthday, carry him to the tattooist’s and get a nice big ‘D’ smack bang in the middle of his forehead was too much for me. Trouble is he can’t afford to have it removed so he wears a big plaster over it. Gangs of children tease him. ‘What’s underneath the plaster, mister? Show us!’ They swear he has a third eye under there. My name is Bill but Dunce calls me ‘Fez’ on account of my hat. I’ve known Dunce for over sixteen years.

Durbin's sunglasses were gone, and his gray eyes sparkled up at her. He winked. "Take care of yourself, Dr. Venkman." Lena bit back a grin. "You too, Dana Barrett.

During World War II, when combat rations were tinned, meat hashes were a common entrée because they worked well with the filling machines. “But the men wanted something they could chew, something into which they could ‘sink their teeth,’” wrote food scientist Samuel Lepkovsky in a 1964 paper making the case against a liquid diet for the Gemini astronauts. He summed up the soldiers’ take on potted meat: “We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we’d care to live.” (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1964. A significant portion of it ended up beneath the floorboards.)

Du siehst aus, als könntest du ohnmächtig werden." Stephanie nickte bedächtig. "Ich bin noch nie ohnmächtig geworden, aber Sie könnten recht haben." "Soll ich dich auffangen, wenn du fällst, oder ...?" "Wenn es Ihnen nichts ausmacht." "Überhaupt nicht." "Danke." Stephanie schenkte ihm ein schiefes Lächeln, dann wurde ihr schwarz vor Augen und sie spürte, wie sie fiel. Das Letzte, was sie sah, war Skuldugerry Pleasant, der quer durchs Zimmer auf sie zuhechtete.

Du willst alleine mit diesem Wolf-" "Halbwolf", wirft Ever ein "-alleine mit diesem Halbwolf ins Ausland? Was ist, wenn er dich unterwegs frisst? Hast du nichts dazugelernt?" [...] "Ich lebe vegan", behauptet Ever jetzt. "Siehst du." Mit dem Daumen weise ich auf den angeblichen bösen Wolf. "Er lebt vegan." Natürlich. Was auch sonst.

...,dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. Chapter I.

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays, he smokes one cigarette (but claims he’s not a smoker). On Fridays, he treats himself to his favourite pastime: horse practice – he grew up with horses and likes to try and emulate their distinctive whinnies, snorts, neighs, snuffles, sighs, grunts, fluttering nostrils, the occasional aggressive outburst and the especially beautiful nicker of a mare to her foal. And, on Saturdays, lest we forget, Maxwell D. Kalist drinks wine from a chalice.

Each year comes with its own memories! Memories that make us ponder! Memories that shake our nerves and thought to think about things we did, things we could have done, things we should have done, the right time and timing for the yes and no we could have say with courage or humility, the right time and timing of our steps and things we should have never done! When you remember the year, you remember something! Something good or something bad!

Each religion has provided a tremendous service in defining elements of conscience. They have made it possible for us to live together in a society, to work toward common goals, and to learn how to accept or tolerate relative opposition to our own opinions. I also think that this has been done much as a parent needs to provide a similar service for an adolescent. Internal and external conflict requires discipline to organize and structure some form of minimizing the chaos imposed on others.

Earl had let Bertie off the porch for some fresh grass and I didn't want Dr. Eustace to see her. She still looked as though we'd put Hannibal Lecter in charge of her shearing and had hired the special effects team from Night of the Living Dead to bandage her.

EARLY BIRD Oh, if you’re a bird, be an early bird And catch the worm for your breakfast plate. If you’re a bird, be an early early bird-- But if you’re a worm, sleep late.

Eastman Jacob's legendary attempt to launch a car attached to a glider plane using Hampton's Tony Chesapeake Avenue as a runway only confirmed the Hamptonian's feelings that the Good Lord didn't always see fit to give book sense and common sense to the same individual.

Eaten up with guilt, shame, fears and insecurities and obtaining, if he's lucky, a barely perceptible physical feeling, the male is, nonetheless, obsessed with screwing; he'll swim a river of snot, wade nostril-deep through a mile of vomit, if he thinks there'll be a friendly pussy awaiting him. He'll screw a woman he despises, any snaggle-toothed hag, and, further, pay for the opportunity. Why? Relieving physical tension isn't the answer, as masturbation suffices for that. It's not ego satisfaction; that doesn't explain screwing corpses and babies.

EARLY ONE DARK April morning a few years ago I was sitting in my living room in central Copenhagen, wrapped in a blanket and yearning for spring, when I opened that day’s newspaper to discover that my adopted countrymen had been anointed the happiest of their species in something called the Satisfaction with Life Index, compiled by the Department of Psychology at the University of Leicester. I checked the date on the newspaper: it wasn’t 1 April.

Ears back, tail up! I got to show off the white tip on the end of my tail. It's the flag that all Shelties are proud of.

Easy for you to say," Polly said. "You've lived here all your life and stayed under the radar. No one points at you." "Sometimes small children point at my butt," Aunt Rhea said. "But that's just on account of all the fried chicken.

Earnshaw is quite a famous name, thanks to Miss Brontë . I did not realise there were Earnshaws in this country." Mrs. Earnshaw gave a sharp nod. "Aye. And Heathcliffs and Eyres, as well. Proper little thieves, those Brontë girls.

Eat dirt evil doer!

Eat ten of your five a day and live twice as long

Ed frowned. “Well, it’s a terrible picture of me! Here, give me that. I’m going to tear it up. There ought to be legal action against publishing a bad picture like that without my permission . . . .” A wild scuffle ensued as they tried to keep Ed from destroying the article before they could read it.

Ed began explaining this Yo La Tengo thing, how he was listening to a record of theirs, on vinyl he emphasized, and he'd been thinking about a genre of music called shoegaze something about the body language of the shoegazer, the perpetual crumpling or downward slope of the gazer's neck, and then he changed the subject, abruptly, to nettle root—had I ever taken nettle root? I was in a subdued, semi-meditative state, but he repeated himself, louder—Mary, have you ever taken nettle root?—and I said, Um, no, to which he immediately began chanting.

Eat me if thou must, good dragon, but please take me to where it is dry first!

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.

Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind . "Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked 'out of syllabus' questions by life!

Eddie, time is a complicated business. The general rule is that if your head isn't hurting, you're not thinking about it hard enough.

Ed felt faint. Milk shake, as it turned out, was much less handy in your veins then, say, oxygen.

Educational system in America is not as good as in China. You may be an idiot. It is hard to tell with you white people.