Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders.

In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.

In looking for humor, keep in mind this guideline: Sometimes it takes a little time to see the humor in your upsets; you may not find something to laugh about immediately.

In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

In my opinion MS is a lot better at making money than it is at making good operating systems.

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

In order to be happy you need a good dog, a good woman, and ready money.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

Instant gratification takes too long.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

In the field of snobbery, Australia is an underdeveloped country; even a few British ex-colonies, regarded as under developed in all other respects, could export a great deal of snobbery to Australia and still have enough to spare for their own, internal needs.

In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness , as adaptability, as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure who we are, or who anyone else is, either.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

In Switzerland, on a high mountain, not far from Lucerne, there is a lake they call Pilate's Pond, which the Devil has fixed upon as one of the chief residences of his evil spirits.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.