Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?

If it wasn't for curse words and grandoise hand gestures, I don't know if Brooklynites would even be able to communicate. In fact, I had requested that holograms of me making dramatic hand gestures be included in this book, but my publisher said it was "too expensive", which is total fucking bullshit.

If it's dive-bombing you from the air, bury yourself in the sand. It might lose sight of you. Also, no one likes to eat food covered in sand. No one.

If it’s taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift.

If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stockbroker's do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

If I want to dress up like Princess Leia and lightsaber fight the clone army in my living room, well the Han Solo in my life is just going to have to accept it.

If it had been my decision, you would still be sleeping, and I would be hoping every hour of every night you lived was filled with the foulest of dreams.” “My only nightmare in this moment is the quality of the mattress you saw fit to place me on,” said Simon. “Really, brother, have you never heard of lumbar support?

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it could be a really ugly swan.

If it had a social security number, Ronan had fought with it.

If it had been great sex I doubt I'd remember he tooted between thrusts.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you're probably in the wrong bathroom.

If it's impossible to understand how I could kick a weeping, torn-in-half cog that was gushing something that looked like tapioca pudding and whale semen on my nice shiny space suit, then you probably never kicked a car for getting a flat tire, or slapped a television remote when the batteries were getting weak, in which case you'll never understand what it means or meant to be a human.

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

If I want Italian and you want Japanese, why can't you compromise and have Italian?" my husband once said to me, redefining the word "compromise.

If I were "Schrodinger's cat" I could be awake and asleep at the same time. Now wouldn't that be handy?

If I were to make a list of focus for well-being, I would begin with lifestyle (the totality of one’s circumstance and how that is engaged, including job and relationships, and proximity to nature), attending to the physical functions correctly (posture, breathing, exercise, food, rest, etc.), consistent expression of your natural range of qualities, working and playing well and hard, and designing things so that you are doing what compels you. Obviously, you can’t give this list out as a prescription for physical problems and diseases, but then again, it is probably the correct prescription. If one were to follow it, any specific problem, even extreme, would almost certainly resolve itself.

If Lenin walked around the offices of a company like Yahoo or Intel or Cisco, he’d think communism had won. Everyone would be wearing the same clothes, have the same kind of office (or rather, cubicle) with the same furnishings, and address one another by their first names instead of by honorifics. Everything would seem exactly as he’d predicted, until he looked at their bank accounts. Oops.

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.

If I were you, I’d stick to the palm reading. Now, there’s a trick that won’t paralyze you from the neck down.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.

If John Grisham, Harper Lee, and Larry the Cable Guy were penned up in a remote cabin for a weekend with nothing but good bourbon, fine wine, and a couple of cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, something like Common Pleas (A Tale of Whoa!) might result...

If I was in deep shit with Lilian before, I was snorkeling at the waste treatment plant now.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

If Life flashes before your eyes just before you die....mine will be wearing a trench coat

If I was really, really lucky, Felix might throw a fireball at me, and I'd get out of the rest of this freakshow.

If I were pressed, I would admit that she was beautiful, in a dead bride sort of way.

If I were you, I’d clear those cobwebs out because there isn’t a shop-vac out there strong enough to handle that job.

If Korea were a person, it would be diagnosed as a neurotic, with both an inferiority and a superiority complex.

I flash a fake smile of my own, refraining from telling her what I'm really thinking: that it's an unwise karmic move to go around feeling superior to other mothers. Because before she knows it, her little angel could become a tattooed teenager hiding joints in her designer handbag and doling out blow jobs in the backseat of her BMW.

I flew in on a cloud and came blitzing down from the heavens like a bolt of lightning on this kid

If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing. "See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.

If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in such a condescending, casual tone, but he is a 'writer', and a talentless mediocrity! People like Mr Bubentsov do not understand anything about art and are not very interested in it, but whenever they happen to come across talentless mediocrities they are pitiless and implacable, They are ready to forgive anyone, but not Makar, that eccentric loser with manuscripts lying in his trunk. The gardener damaged the old rubber plant, and ruined lots of expensive plants, and the general does nothing and goes on spending money like water; Mr Bubentsov only got down to work once a month when he was a magistrate, then stammered, muddled up the laws, and spoke a lot of rubbish, but all this is forgiven and not noticed; but there is no way that anyone can pass by the talentless Makar, who writes passable poetry and stories, without saying something offensive. No one cares that the general's sister-in-law slaps the maids' cheeks, and swears like a trooper when she is playing cards, that the priest's wife never pays up when she loses, and the landowner Flyugin stole a a dog from the landower Sivobrazov, but the fact that Our Province returned a bad story to Makar recently is know to the whole district and has provoked mockery, long conversations and indignation, while Makar Denisych is already being referred to as old Makarka. If someone does not write the way required, they never try to explain what is wrong, but just say: 'That bastard has gone and written another load of rubbish!

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I flow like a butter in the nailed pan I stole. I also kept the nail, to polish and use as a means of teleportation.

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.

I flipped it over: Ping Xi's business card with his name, number, e-mail address, and the corniest quotation I'd ever read: "Every act of creation is an act of destruction.—Pablo Picasso

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

If my liver cared enough, it would have told me to stop. - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy

If negative emotions have gain access into your heart, it is because you have given it attention. If memories of pain and hurt dominates your heart, it is because you gave them attention. How can a memory hurt you when it has only happened? It can only hurt you when you give it attention.

If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard.

If nursing were easy, there wouldn't be so many helpful products.

I focused the power from my armor into my leg and kicked the door in. The metal and plastic fibers splintered and the hinges ripped free from the wall. “By the way, boss,” HARV said. “I believe that the door was unlocked.

If one billion of you watch and do not intercede as one million of you assent to the one thousand who participate in the murder of a child, then one billion of you are a billion times guilty.

If my life was pulled into the pages of a book, there would be coffee stains and wrinkles along the lines of that narrative. Because all I can wish is that the book of my life would be well read and well loved. Living within words and the sound of writing.

If Napoleon can seek to ascend all the thrones of Europe, I suppose we may go dragging them out from under him

If nothing is impossible then why everything is so complex and not simple!