Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

An earthly kingdom cannot exist without inequality of persons. Some must be free, some serfs, some rulers, some subjects.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

An idea is a feat of association.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!

Any attempts at humor immediately after September 11th were deemed tasteless.

An uncontrolled sense of humor is often costly in business.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead.

Anyone in the humor business isn't thinking clearly if he doesn't surround himself with idea people. Otherwise, you settle for mediocrity - or you burn yourself out.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.

Arouse in the other person an eager want.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.

A sense of humor has been linked with longevity. It is a possibility that the mental attitude reflected in a lively sense of humor is an important factor predisposing some people toward long life.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself.

A sense of humor is so handy, isn't it? It lets you see both sides of a question so that you never need do anything.

A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference. It pardons shortcomings, it consoles failure.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?