Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Excercise is nothing more than a depressing reminder that one is not a god.

Excuse me, but where do you think you’re going?” I asked. “I figured I’d put my underwear in with yours. That way they could all get to know each other.” One brown eyebrow lifted. “Unless you want to make some formal introductions right now?

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

Exiting the building, we shield our eyes with our hands and raise our voices. The wind has really picked up and is sending dirt, dust and debris airborne. A few windblown pedestrians, struggling to walk down the sidewalk, appear as though they might get blown away. I ask Tiger where he wants to go. "ANYWHERE…I DON'T CARE. AS LONG AS IT'S NOT FAR." "LET'S GRAB A CAB. WE CAN'T WALK IN THIS." As I open the backdoor of a Yellow Cab parked at the curb, the cabbie turns and gives me a mean look. "Are you the Floro's?" he asked. Tiger follows me into the backseat, as I answer- That we are. Tiger asked, "And you are?" The cabbie grunts- "ALEXANDER the fuck'n GREAT.

Expand. Why stick to just killing zombies? Or killing them just one way.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

Explosives, explosives. Feels like all we ever do is blow things up. Not very Evagardian." "Or extremely Evagardian, depending on your perspective," Deilani said.

Extroverts communicate well with others, Introverts communicate well with themselves

Eyes on hers, he flicked her shoulder. Her mouth fell open. She started stomping the floor. "What in God's name are you doing?" he demanded. "Trying to kill the giant tarantula, because the only reason I can figure you just fucking flicked me is because there was a big, fat spider on my shoulder.

Fackelmann claimed to have started a Log just to keep track of Kite's attempted pickup lines -- surefire lines like e.g. 'You're the second most beautiful woman I've ever seen, the first most beautiful woman I've ever seem being former Bristish Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher,' and 'If you came home with me I'm unusually confident that I could achieve an erection,' and said that if Kite wasn't still cherry at twenty-three and a half it was proof of some kind of divine-type grace.

Facebook is big. Bigger than Justin Bieber or Ashton Kutcher's Twitter following. Hell, it's even bigger than obesity and possibly just as lethal!

Fadwick Gorrim, at your service, OLD BOY!” he shouted at his face. “Can it be you, Pyrus? It’s been so long, Py!” Pyrus looked at the ground and shifted his eyes about the courtyard, avoiding his stare.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.

Fafhrd stopped, again wiped right hand on robe, and held it out. "Name's Fafhrd. Ef ay ef aitch ar dee." Again the Mouser shook it. "Gray Mouser," he said a touch defiantly, as if challenging anyone to laugh at the sobriquet. "Excuse me, but how exactly do you pronounce that? Faf-hrud?" "Just Faf-erd.

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, "Don't even think about it." A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons and tubes of the jungle gym- the results would not be pretty. Judd glanced at his watch. "I'll destroy it later.

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Fair enough…No inhaling battery acid,” I smirk. “We can’t breathe battery acid, can we?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen.

Fake it til you make it. Just make it.

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.

Fall in love so madly that every leaf whispers words of love to your lover

Family. Couldn't live with them, couldn't run a stake through them.

Falling in love is not based on the length of time you spend together; it’s based on the innate mindfulness of each other’s joy.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

Falon stared at Del intently, trying to figure out what was different. As usual, Del was impeccably dressed in a lavender dress that revealed her curves. Her nail polish and shoes matched her clothing perfectly. Del’s shoulder-length blond hair looked the same. “Smile at me,” Falon said suddenly, and Del showed her teeth. “You got Botox again.” “Yeah, my dentist does it at his office now. I can get my teeth cleaned and my lines erased at the same time. If I could get him to do collagen injections, I’d be set. I wish these doctors would work together. If my gynecologist worked in the same office as my dentist, I’d look like a race car in the pit. I’d get it all done in one appointment and be back on the road in no time.” Del glanced at her watch. “That reminds me, I’m going to see a plastic surgeon for a consultation tomorrow, so I’ll be late getting here in the morning.” “Would you leave your face alone? Del, you look fine.” “It’s not my face, I’m thinking about having my vagina reshaped. The other day when I was being lasered, I was staring at it in the big mirror. You can really see all your girl junk in it, but it’s kind of magnified, so I wasn’t really sure if things were as out of proportion as they seemed. When I got home, I looked at it with a hand mirror, and it still doesn’t look right to me.” Del stood and began pulling up her dress. “You’ve seen a shitload of vaginas, so I want you to tell me—” “Don’t you dare whip that out in here!” Falon covered her eyes with her hand. “I’m not looking at it, Del. I’m not!” “Come on, really?” Del looked completely taken aback. “You looked at my boobs.” “That’s because you turned them loose before I realized what you were doing.” Falon waved her hand. “Your lady junk is far more personal than boobs.” “How so?” “Cleavage,” Falon blurted out. “You wear shirts that show cleavage, that’s like a little preview. Your lady junk is a total mystery, and I want it to stay that way...

...Falon sucked hard on her straw and swallowed. “You haven’t mentioned a girlfriend or a wife.” “That’s because I don’t have one.” Haley touched the tip of her nose with her finger. “Whew, I’m feeling good. I should drink more often. My ex left me a year ago for someone else,” she admitted and giggled. “I’ve been surviving on a steady diet of hate and loathing.” Falon raised her cup. “Whatever works, right?” “Yeah, I guess,” Haley agreed with a shrug and a grin. “She always complained that I wouldn’t allow myself to be exciting. Look at me now, though, I’m stranded in another country with no money or passport, wearing shorts with sea turtles on them with no underwear. I’m drunk with someone I don’t know who could very well kill me in my sleep.” The empty cup dropped from her hand onto the floor as her head lolled back against the chair. “I’m fucking exciting now.

Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.

Far be it from me to stand between a girl and her Skittles

Farò finta di non aver sentito. Davvero, complimenti. Hai tirato su due bambini e ancora non hai capito la differenza tra Star Wars e Star Trek?» «Sono tutti e due ambientati nello spazio, con gente vestita da imbecilli. È tutto ciò che devo sapere.» Dex portò le mani alla testa per la vergogna. «Mi fai venire da piangere.

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

Family time can put a strain on the mentally deranged." She clucked her tongue as though out of pity.

Famine sometimes increases the number of people who are overweight.

Fancy tuna.

Fane and Jacque looked up from the table when they heard Sally's singing all through the cafeteria. She was belting out at the top of her lungs Train's "Meet Virginia". A very pissed off looking Jen was dragging her IV pole as quickly as she could without falling, trying to catch up to her quarry. By the time Sally had reached the table, she had tears “streaming down her face from laughing so hard. She leaned over the table, panting, finishing her serenade. "Her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic, and the shape of her body, unusual, meet Virginia!" Sally ended dramatically, arms in the air like Vanna White indicating where Jen now stood. Much to Jen's chagrin the entire cafeteria broke into applause. Jen pasted on her most dazzling smile and waved at everyone adoringly, but to Sally she muttered under her breath, "This is war.

fanny-pack: (v.) to put on a few extra pounds during the holiday season.

Fat Charlie wondered what Rosie's mother would usually hear in a church. Probably just cries of "Back! Foul best of Hell!" followed by gasps of "Is it alive?" and a nervous inquiry as to whether anybody had remembered to bring the stakes and hammers.

Famous at high school is like being employee of the month at the sanitation department.

Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.

fan...fucking...tastic I can't do this I didn't sign up for this shit Tria thought “Yeah...Sure Agres.” Tria responded rather unhappily “We can still do some snooping since Mitra seems to be absent at the moment.” Tria smiled “Snooping sounds good.

Farther down the riverbank sat a young man dressed all in white. He was the only person in sight. His hair was white, his skin chalk pale, and he sat and stared up and down the river, as if he were admiring the view. He looked like how Victorian Romantic poets looked just before the consumption and drug abuse really started to cut it." --Good Omens pg.191-192

...Fate forced me to become a two-man woman. But there was no effing way I could be a four-man woman. Even metaphysics couldn't keep that from being whorey.

Far be it from me to keep a woman from her book. That could become dangerous.

… Farrell Kafji, who complained loudly that he had landed in the middle of a seventeenth-century field. ‘And fields then are exactly like fields right now!’ he shouted. ‘I could’ve gone down to Forsyth Park if I wanted to see a field!

Fate gives us relatives for one reason: so that we have to learn how to deal with people we'd otherwise never know.

Fate bring two people together and it is love's job to keep them there

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Fear and anger, Yoda had often warned him, were slaves to the dark side. Vaguely, Luke wondered which side curiosity served.