Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

Wit is artificial; humor is natural. Wit is accidental; humor is inevitable. Wit is born of conscious effort; humor, of the allotted ironies of fate. Wit can be expressed only in language; humor can be developed sufficiently in situation.

Wit is cultured insolence.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!

... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.

You can't eat a winner's plaque.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

You can't eat your friends and have them too

You can teach taste, editorial sense, but the ability to say something funny is something I've never been able to teach anyone.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

You exaggerate your own reactions.

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.