Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'

When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness.

While it is true that Frank had a great sense of humor, he was also very serious about composing music. In reality there are only a handful of skilled players who can play his most complex pieces. It takes a lot of patience to learn and requires a fantastic memory.

While it may not heighten our sympathy, wit widens our horizons by its flashes, revealing remote hidden affiliations and drawing laughter from far afield; humor, in contrast, strikes up fellow feeling, and though it does not leap so much across time and space, enriches our insight into the universal in familiar things, lending it a local habitation and a name.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Whoever wants to be a Christian should tear the eyes out of his reason.

Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Why are men impersonating women funny while women impersonating men are not? It is a matter of gravity. A heavy thing trying to become lighter is automatically funnier than a light thing trying to become heavy.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?