Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

As for the demented, I hold it certain that all beings deprived of reason are thus afflicted only by the Devil.

A sharp sense of the ironic can be the equivalent of the faith that moves mountains. Far more quicky than reason or logic, irony can penetrate rage and puncture self-pity.

As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.

As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.

As one reads history ... one is absolutely sickened, not by the crimes that the wicked have committed, but by the punishments that the good have inflicted.

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.

At bank, post office or supermarket, there is one universal law which you ignore at your own peril: the shortest line moves the slowest.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

At NBC I wasn't really sure if the grandparents were going to get my sense of humor on a particular topic.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

At the end, excitement maintained its hysteria.

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.

A truly comic, invented world must live at the same time as the world we live in.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

At Poltersberg, there is a lake similarly cursed. If you throw a stone into it, a dreadful storm immediately arises, and the whole neighboring district quakes to its centre. 'Tis the devils kept prisoner there.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again.

At the end of my trial, I was rather hoping the judge would send me to Australia for the rest of my life.

At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote.

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

Australians are decent people with the right instincts and they wish everybody well; but if all is not well, it is none of their business and they will not lose too much sleep over it. The shrug of the shoulders has become - only temporarily, I daresay - the national gesture of Australia.

Australia objects to the mini-skirt not on moral but on economic grounds. Australians are no prudes and the lovely, healthy, sporty Australian girls have no reason to hide their knees and thighs. However, the mini-skirt is disastrous for the wool-trade.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Avoid popularity if you would have peace.

A wholesome sense of humor will be a safety valve that will enable you to apply the lighter touch to heavy problems and to learn some lessons in problem solving that "sweat and tears" often fail to dissolve.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

A zebra does not change its spots.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!