Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I'll let you in on a secret: I can't stand Jay Ward. I hate being compared to Rocky and Bullwinkle. It's just a different style of humor.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'

I lost a button hole.

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.

I love National Geographic. Just when you think you've seen the last lost native tribe, National Geographic will find a new one.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!

I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see.

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!

I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!