Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!

A dirty joke is not, of course, a serious attack on morality, but it is a sort of mental rebellion, a momentary wish that things were otherwise.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

Advertisers also know that humor can help bond us to their product.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

A farce, or slapstick humor, does well universally.

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah.

A friend you have to buy won't be worth what you pay for him.

After all, when a thought takes one's breath away, a lesson on grammar seems an impertinence.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

A fox should not be on the jury at a goose's trial.

Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.

Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese.

A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it's in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody.

A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.

A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A jest often decides matters of importance more effectively and happily than seriousness.

A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way.