Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play.

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'

If you want to feel good, be rational.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.