Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

All work and no play doesn't just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention.

All you have shall some day be given. Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

A lot of political people, especially people on the left, have forgotten the importance of humor as an incredible weapon, and a vehicle through which to affect change.

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Although the rudiments of snobbery are there, its finer developments are basically alien to the Australian soul - that is, if Australians have a soul; many people believe that they are too matter-of-fact and down-to-earth to have such fancy commodities.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.