Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!

When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all.

When you do find humor in trying times, one of the first and most important changes you experience is that you see your perplexing problems in a new way - you suddenly have a new perspective on them.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

When you lose the power to laugh, you lose your power to think straight.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'

When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness.

While it is true that Frank had a great sense of humor, he was also very serious about composing music. In reality there are only a handful of skilled players who can play his most complex pieces. It takes a lot of patience to learn and requires a fantastic memory.

While it may not heighten our sympathy, wit widens our horizons by its flashes, revealing remote hidden affiliations and drawing laughter from far afield; humor, in contrast, strikes up fellow feeling, and though it does not leap so much across time and space, enriches our insight into the universal in familiar things, lending it a local habitation and a name.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

Whoever wants to be a Christian should tear the eyes out of his reason.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why are men impersonating women funny while women impersonating men are not? It is a matter of gravity. A heavy thing trying to become lighter is automatically funnier than a light thing trying to become heavy.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!