Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I did not have sex with a mongoose.

I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 different ways to do it wrong.

I didn’t get my nap today. Wouldn’t do for someone to piss me off.

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

I didn't like to read the Bible, but I did like to hold it. I wondered if, for some men, that was the reason they became preachers.

I dinna want to disappoint ye, but we's in a cellar right here, and it's full o' tatties.' After a while a voice said: 'So where izzit?' 'Maybe it's got the day off?' 'What's a demon need a day off for?' 'Tae gae an' see its ol' mam an' dad, mebbe?' 'Oh, aye? Demons have mams, do they?

I didn’t realize I actually had post-traumatic stress disorder at the time, but why would I think I had that? Anyway, how would I know which was post-traumatic stress, which is addiction, which is bipolar, which is Libra?

I didn't want to go to hell, but even the idea of reclaining my halo scared me because it would mean leaving Aly.

I didn't know what to say. I just stood there and noticed Gordon Ramsay over by the carrot truffle fries and all I could think was, "What is Gordon going to think if I say no?

I didn't leave that crowd of ocelots to go back into it." [when asked to write the film script for The Osterman Weekend]

I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

I didn’t like his tone. In fact I didn’t like boys’ tone when they knew they were hot and tried to be rude to girls because they knew they were hot.

I didn't see myself as the busty type. Too bad bodies are issued randomly, not selected to match your personality

I didn't want to miss out on another second with this girl. Fuck everything. Fuck everyone. None of it mattered.

I'd let her sell it to Dad. They tended not to contradict each other so if one of them had already said "yes" it usually meant "yes." If one of them said "no", ditto--which was why I'd asked Mom first.

I'd like to say I'm not self-absorbed compared to others, but that's hard to say since I'm far too self-absorbed to pry into others' self-absorption.

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

I’d much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick.

I do have rough, manly, and mannish, man hands. So glad you noticed.

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.

I'D NEVER THUMP ANYONE DOWN FOR ENDEAVORING TO BETTER THEMSELVES.

I'd like to lose enough weight so that my bones creaked louder than the floor

I'd love to...but only with you.

I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. And they say chivalry is dead.

I do lend my books, but I have to be a bit selective because my marginalia are so incriminating.” --Alison Bechdel

I do like the sound of the name, 'Big Ben'... it has a certain ring to it.

Idle living turns me into an idiot. I can’t afford to get stupid. I’ve already been irritating. I’ve used up my passes on personality flaws.

I do have an interest in this book, which is for sale. (If you have bought it, dear reader, I thank you. If you have borrowed it, I honor your frugality. If you have stolen it, may it add to your confusion.)

I do not believe in decent women who do not know how to play the piano.

I do not need to analyze my life, no way! Of course it’s not perfect, but it is at least satisfying! Yes, I am very satisfied! 100%! Maybe not exactly 100%, but 90% for sure. Actually probably 70%. Ok, fine… I could most likely benefit from a quick analysis of my life, but only to confirm that there is no problem and that I am absolutely happy.

I’d once had a long-term relationship with a Five Point Five that got nowhere near living together. This was because I was a Two Point Five, he was a Five Point Five and he wanted a Nine Point Five. Therefore, we were both destined for a broken heart. He gave me mine. He later found a Six Point Five that wanted a Nine Point Five. She got herself a breast enhancement and nose job which made her a firm Seven (if you didn’t count the fact that she thought she was a Ten point Five and acted like it which really knocked her down to a Six) who broke his heart.

I do not have any trust fund, I have always trusted God for all my funds.

I do not love only the women I desire, I only desire the women I love.

I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church: I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1. But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics.

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

I do not think, Prospero,' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

I don't avoid Starbucks because it's Satanic, I avoid Starbucks because they over-roast their beans. Satanic is just a bonus.

I don’t believe this. This is utter shit!” I yelled. “Does it look like I’m lying?” Steven asked. I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, “I don’t know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I’ll get back to you.

I don't believe in past,I don't believe in future,I just believe in present.

I don't believe this. How can he not want to go to the Savoy? God, it's all right for top businessmen, isn't it? Free champagne, yawn, yawn. Goody bags, yet another party, yawn, how tedious and dull.

I do not traditionally speak ill of women, but your governess is a cabbagehead

I don't agree with Freud's theory about women having penis envy. Don't get me wrong, gentlemen; your penises are great. I'm just not personally interested in possessing one myself. To be honest, the last thing I need is to worry about the size of another one of my body parts.

I don't ask you - fribble!' snapped his lordship, rounding on him, with the speed of a whiplash. 'You may keep your tongue between your teeth!' "Yes, sir - happy to!' uttered Claud, dismayed. 'No wish to offend you! Thought you might like to be set right!' 'Thought I might like to be set right?' 'No, no! Spoke without thinking!' said Claud hastily. ' I know you don't!

I don't believe for one moment that I killed him [...] But if I didn't, somebody else did. I must appoint myself Investigator. I must catch this malefactor, this pig. And if at any time it looks as if I am going to catch myself, I can always accept my resignation.

I don't accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says to me 'Well, you haven't been there, have you? You haven't seen it for yourself, so my view that it is made of Norwegian Beaver Cheese is equally valid' - then I can't even be bothered to argue. There is such a thing as the burden of proof, and in the case of god, as in the case of the composition of the moon, this has shifted radically. God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining. So I don't think that being convinced that there is no god is as irrational or arrogant a point of view as belief that there is. I don't think the matter calls for even-handedness at all.

I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.

I don’t believe we should carry backup plans in life’s suitcase— they’re too easy to unpack like living a life in yoga pants, so comfortable our hips spread into new timezones...

I don’t care how old you are, or what background you come from, there are two universal truths. We will always laugh at…gas if it happens at the wrong time, and we are always curious about what goes on in other people’s bedrooms.