Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sky already fell. Now what?

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

The speed of time is one second per second.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

The stupidity of one brain multiplied by twelve.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

The things that matter most are not things.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.

The tragedy of growing old is not that one is old but that one is young.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the mechanism of the inimitable puppets that are going to perform. How I used to laugh at Simon Tapperwit, and the Wellers, and a host more! But I can't do it now somehow; and time, it seems to me, is the true test of humour. It must be antiseptic.

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer found having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. HaHa! Jokes on you dummies... I'm not really a lawyer!

The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

The winds are nothing else but good or bad spirits. Hark! how the Devil is puffing and blowing.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The writer's Queen Victoria is his public, and he would do well to keep a bust of the old Queen on his desk with the legend "We are not amused" hanging from it.

They don't make you pay for the humor. It's up and down, but they're trying to give you as many laughs as possible in 2 minutes. They are the most honest comedians ever.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.