Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.

One does not laugh because one is happy; one is happy because one laughs.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

One parody is worth a thousand polemics.

One of the things that's often forgotten about drug rehabilitation, it's not a destiny. It's a journey.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo.

Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play.

Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the drivers wheel.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Our bodies are always exposed to Satan. The maladies I suffer are not natural, but Devil's spells.

Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

People always want to ask me about my drug problem - I never had a drug problem; I had a self-esteem problem!

Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own

Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.