Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Toilet paper unrolled and slithered then wrapped around my tummy. That paper tried to roll me up into an Egyptian mummy.

to judge professional be professional

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

To make a current example, the world can find human interest in the death and the love affairs and the pallid addiction to cocaine of Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

Tomášovi ťažko nevyhovieť. Je to verný priateľ a nerád by som ho sklamal. Aj keď on je až taký priateľ, že by svoje sklamanie nedal najavo. A to je to najhoršie, čo sa môže prihodiť tomu, kto nesplní očakávania. Že ten, kto ho o čosi požiadal, mu nebude nič vyčítať. Je to ako pri golfe. Keď zahráte pekný úder, všetci kričia "výborne" - a keď sa vám úder nepodarí, nastane hrobové ticho. Nikto vám nič nevyčíta, nikto nepovie "no, to si poondial", ale to hrobové ticho je horšie, ako keby vám niekto dal po papuli. Nemohol som Tomášovi odmietnuť. Bol by ticho.

Tommy looked blank. "What's a flashlight?" "You don't have flashlights?" Jessup said. "Jeeze! A cylinder, like, with batteries inside it, and a light bulb behind glass at one end--" Tommy's blue eyes glinted dangerously. "We have a thing in Scotland that's a cylinder too. Very thin, made of wood, with graphite in the center. We call it a pencil." Jessup hooted. "You think we don't have pencils?" "You think we don't have flashlights?" Tommy snapped. "That's just American dialect. In the English language they're called torches." Emily said mildly, "Actually we're Canadians.

Tomorrow I'd probably wake up to find my shoes talking to me. And let me tell you, the price I pay for shoes, they'd have one heck of an attitude.

Tomorrow is promised to no one.

To much is given, much is received

To modernize their sleeping habits, [Peter the Great] declared, 'Ladies and gentlemen of the court caught sleeping with their boots on will be instantly decapitated.

Tonight, we have the show of a lifetime for you. It is unfiltered, unmanaged, and certainly undeniably awesome!’ ‘We take no responsibility for any of the bad things that might happen tonight,’ says Dum. ‘And take all the credit for the fabulous, fantastic, and fun-filled things that will definitely happen tonight,’ says Dee.

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?" I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.

Too many crooks spoil the plot!

To my mirrors, The aliens and the CIA secretly watching me, and any spirits stuck in my room, sorry guys. I know look batshit crazy each time I start reciting a bunch of monologues in my dramatic "film voice" after I finish watching a movie.

Tony knew if he ever needed anything done again, he was calling on the Lesbian Network of Massachusetts. Those girls worked fast. And they were everywhere.

Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after.

To not make fun of something is, we believe, itself a form of bullying.

Too bad. Game over. Insert new fucking quarter.

too much alcohol hampers people's ability to parent. That's why I've chosen to remain childless.

to pee or not to pee that is the question

To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable!

Topher?” Dude, how many oaths did this kid plan to break in his first month as a Digger?Who did he think he was?Me?

To put it another way, language is a tool box and swearing is a hammer. You can try to pound a nail into a piece of wood with the handle of your screwdriver, with your wrench, or with your pliers, but it's only your hammer that's perfectly designed for the job.

To read makes our speaking English good.

Toronto's already ass-deep in cockroaches and conservatives; what's one more lower life-form?

Torture?” she asked with a laugh. “My first piece of information I’ll divulge to you? I wouldn’t recommend trying to torture me. I dislike it and grow sulky under pincers. It’s a fault.

To read someone else's work is good, to have them read yours is amazing!

To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.

To shew thee such tokens I have leave; and if thou wilt pray again, and weep as now, and fast even days, thou shall hear yet greater things.

To see the dawn of a new beginning, You have to make a move in the Night.

To speak much is one thing; to speak to the point another!

To take away a man’s sanity, answer all his prayers and solve all his problems. Or give him everything and everyone he wants.

Total confusion, disconnected nothing, absolute bewilderment. It's an enigma wrapped in a mystery, stuffed in a burrito, and smothered in taco sauce.

Totalitarian systems are notably devoid of humor at every level. Laughter, which brings acceptance and freedom, is a threat to their rule through force and intimidation. It is hard to oppress people who have a good sense of humor. Beware the humorless, whether in a person, institution, or belief system; it is always accompanied by an impulse to control and dominate, even if its proclaimed objective is to create prosperity or peace.

To talk of diseases is a sort of Arabian Nights entertainment.

To tell the truth, it is regarding the physical side of marriage that I have always been apprehensive...There so seldom seems to be enough of it," said Miss Teatime.

TO THE ATHEIST WHO IS CURRENTLY DYING IN HOSPICE: While you have the energy, invite all your friends over for a last supper. As they enjoy their meal of bread and wine, look at them and say, "One of you will betray me." Because, dear Atheist, there is a Judas among your apostles. A secret Christian in desperate need of a deathbed coversion to brag about at church. A friend who will wait until you are alone, then ask you to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Who can blame this person? Convincing an atheist to die a Christian is the faith version of getting the Verizon guy to switch to Sprint. The moment your stage 4 fate was posted on Facebook, you went from being a regular dick to some Christian's Moby Dick. Believe me.

To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back. ... Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual.

To the moon, Kitty!

To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I’ve never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They’re really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?

Toužila jsem až moc po snadném životě. Jenže když chceme něco špatného vymazat, jako například bolest. U vědomíme si, že se tím zničí podstata radosti. Nepoznáš bolest. Nemůžeš vědět, co je to radost. Chtěla jsem si svět pokrýt koberečkem. Raději jsem měla volit pohodlnější obuv

Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice!

To us, Stu. May we have happy days, satisfied minds, and little or no low back pain.

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

Trades are happening, and I have two players that if they don't get their crap together I'm going to castrate them." He took in a sharp breath. "Don't castrate my teammates, sweetheart, it will affect how they play.

Traditionally, true contemplation involves an act of devotion, wherein self-consciousness is removed by transferring consciousness onto the thing at hand. The better you perceive it, the less you observe yourself doing that. In other words, you could say that, at least for the extended moments of engaging it, you love it more than yourself.

to whom it may concern: please phone me for appointments when you want to see me. I will not answer unsolicited knocks upon the door. I need time to do my work. I will not allow you to murder my work. please understand that what keeps me alive will make me a better person toward and for you when we finally meet under easy and unstrained conditions.

Trace is cooking Nonna's lasagna." "Wow. I must see this." "He was wearing her little apron and everything." "Got a camera?