Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

He was just trying to tease me - I knew that later - but he said he'd have to leave because it wasn't fair to have anyone in the room who was going to make fun of what he had to say. He had a good sense of humor, really.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

He who does not like you will defame you in jest.

He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.

Hi folks, I'm Gerry Gross!

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Holding back is so close to stealing.

His wry sense of humour and his stalwart courage were an inspiring example to so many. His ability to laugh at Life's idiosyncrasies and himself in a self deprecating way taught that most valuable of lessons: 'to be of good cheer, no matter what Life threw at you, and ever to find the hope that dwells in every human heart'.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.

Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.

How can I die? I'm booked.

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies - you've got to draw a line there.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

How fatally the entire want of humor cripples the mind.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

How often have not the demons called 'Nix,' drawn women and girls into the water, and there had commerce with them, with fearful consequences.

How young can you die of old age?

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon.

humor bears the closest relation to emotion, either bubbling up as from a deep and happy wellspring, or in an opposite fashion rising like a re-birth of feeling from dead levels after turmoil.

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

Humor can be one of our best survival tools.

Humor, however broad and genial, takes a narrower view than enthusiasm.

Humor is imperative, more important than food. You have a choice when someone dies. You can lie down or get back into life. Do something for someone else.

Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world.

Humor is the ability to see three sides to one coin.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the mask of wisdom.

Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the foundation the superstructure is to him merely a freak -- like the Flatiron building without any visible means of support -- something that ought to be arrested.

Humor, warm and all-embracing as the sunshine, bathes its objects in a genial and abiding light.

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it.

Humor and laughter are not necessarily the same thing. Humor permits us to see into life from a fresh and gracious perspective. We learn to take ourselves more lightly in the presence of good humor. Humor gives us the strength to bear what cannot be changed, and the sight to see the human under the pompous.

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.