Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!

Fun is going to enhance interest, because people don't feel incompetent when they're having fun.

Fun is about as good a habit as there is.

Funniness is the wild card in the pack.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Ghetto humor is the social twin of fantasy; together they sustain the powerless, who accomplish miracles through illusion.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.

Giving up the illusion that you can predict the future is a very liberating moment. All you can do is give yourself the capacity to respond... the creation of that capacity is the purpose of strategy.

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Go, and never darken my towels again

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

God does not work salvation for fictitious sinners. Be a sinner and sin vigorously... Do not for a moment imagine that this life is the abiding place of justice; sin must be committed.

God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

Good humor isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice.

Good -humor is goodness and wisdom combined.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Good Humor is the best shield against the darts of satirical raillery

Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility.

Good nature is worth more than knowledge, more than money, more than honor, to the persons who possess it.

Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Gossip columnists are diseases, like 'flu. Everyone is subject to them.

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Great men are rarely isolated mountain-peaks; they are the summits of ranges.

Great marketing only makes a bad product fail faster.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.

Happiness is like coke — something you get as a by-product in the process of making something else.

Grubb goes back, back... He's under the warning track and makes the play.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Half the people you know are below average.

Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.

Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous.