Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

"Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" "Actually, I think you misheard," Clary said. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." "As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," "I knew we should have left you a rat," said Jace.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

Drug prohibition has caused gang warfare and other violent crimes by raising the prices of drugs so much that vicious criminals enter the market to make astronomical profits, and addicts rob and steal to get money to pay the inflated prices for their drugs.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

Drop the question of what tomorrow may bring, and count as profit every day that Fate allows you.

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

English is my second language. Laughter is my first.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

Eric Show will be 0 for 10 if that pop fly ever comes down.

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible.

Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

everybody fancies they have that rare thing, a sense of humour.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Every law is an infraction of liberty.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.