Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

A lot of countries surrounding Italy aren't so bad. That's because the Roman Empire conquered and raped their women. So there is a little bit of Italian in everybody! This is good news, as all Italians bear this in mind when dealing with our neighbors and other foreign-fucked, heavily raped countries, and it gives us the resolve and compassion to deal with their bullshit.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!

A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport.

A lot of the world seems to repeat itself

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

Alright. So how are we getting down there? Can you turn invisible or something?” “What do I look like? A magician?” “Well, can you fight?” “Can you?” “No,” said Thalcu with a sad laugh. “Zonbiri women aren’t allowed to handle anything bigger than a butter knife. Not legally, anyway. Besides, I could never shoot a gun. My hands are used to pushing remote control buttons, pounding game controllers . . . picking the good chips from the bag.

Alright. You hate me, I'm not too fond of you. It's mutual..." he muttered, walking hesitantly toward the stallion, hand outstretched, "I know you want to bite my hand off, but I swear I have no carrots, so you have no excuse. You want to throw me when I get on you...but if you even try, I will stab you.

also in the boom of the big bell there is a quaintness of tone which wakens feelings, so strangely far-away from all the nineteenth-century part of me, that the faint blind stirrings of them make me afraid, - deliciously afraid. never do I hear that billowing peal but I become aware of a striving and a fluttering in the abyssal part of my ghost, - a sensation as of memories struggling to reach the light beyond the obscurations of a million million deaths and births. I hope to remain within hearing of that bell... and, considering the possibility of being doomed to the state of a jiki-ketsu-geki, I want to have my chance of being reborn in some bamboo flower-cup, or mizutame, whence I might issue softly, singing my thin and pungent song, to bite some people that I know.

Als hij helder dacht was er maar één gang van zaken echt aannemelijk. Ze was in een auto gesleurd of gelokt en ontvoerd. Ze zag er sexy uit, maar niet rijk. Misschien had de dader zelfs gezien dat ze bij Rex’ oude auto hoorde, het moest dus om een verkrachting begonnen zijn. Dan werd ze nu verkracht. En daarna? Ze kon vermoord worden. Dan werd haar lijk vroeger of later gevonden. Maar ze zou niet zo stom zijn zich te verzetten. De kans was groot dat ze ergens op een afgelegen plek werd achtergelaten, dan zou ze na verloop van tijd het hotel weten te bereiken. Al met al was dat het meest waarschijnlijk. Het was niet eens gezegd dat de vakantie reddeloos was.

Also unfortunately, Congress is far too busy asking if baseball players are really as strong as they seem and trying to choke bankers with wads of cash to grant more funds to such trifling matters as the avoidance of space bullets, so they won't give NASA the money

Although each of us has the right to believe we are suffering, I suppose, there is a definite and ultimately essential distinction to be made between actual suffering, its cause and resolution, and invented or imagined suffering.

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.

Although, fanciful's origin circa 1627 made me still love the word, even if I'd ruined its applicability to my connection with Snarl. (I mean DASH!) Like, I could totally see Mrs. Mary Poppencock returning home to her cobblestone hut with the thatched roof in Thamesburyshire, Jolly Olde England, and saying to her husband, "Good sir Bruce, would it not be wonderful to have a roof that doesn't leak when it rains on our green shires, and stuff?" And Sir Bruce Poppencock would have been like, "I say, missus, you're very fanciful with your ideas today." To which Mrs. P. responded, "Why, Master P., you've made up a word! What year is it? I do believe it's circa 1627! Let's carve the year--we think--on a stone so no one forgets. Fanciful! Dear man, you are a genius. I'm so glad my father forced me to marry you and allow you to impregnate me every year.

Although not always possible, it helps if you can keep a sense of humor. It feels a lot better to laugh it off than to get frustrated, stressed, and upset. Before you dive too deeply into a problem with your emotions, take pause and ask yourself if that is really necessary. Many things are not as important or serious as they may initially seem to be.

Also-and this is critical-you are not ugly." She blinked. Nick's eyes danced with amusement. "Remember, Isabel. It was your brother who said it. I would not dare to take credit for such pretty words. I would have said something more pedestrian. It takes a great orator to come up with -" "Not ugly." She gave a little shake of her head. "What a lovely compliment.

Also,' McCoy continued, 'this is the yearly reminder that our beloved scoreboard's birthday, the anniversary of its donation to the school, is coming up in just a few short weeks. So everyone get ready, prepare your offerings, and be ready to celebrate this great occasion!' The PA system went quiet. I stared at the ceiling. Did he just say 'offerings?' For a scoreboard?

Although she never went to the synagogue...Grandma [Lausch], all the same, burned a candle on the anniversary of Mr. Lausch's death, threw a lump of dough on the coals when she was baking, a kind of offering, had incantations over baby teeth and stunts against the evil eye. It was kitchen religion and had nothing to do with the G-d of the Creation who turned back the waters and exploded Gomorrah, but it was on the side of religion at that.

Always behave like a duck- keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like the devil underneath.

Always fuck with people's expectations, sunshine. It's good for their circulation.

Always mistrust these three: a battle that seems won, a chancellor who smiles and a ruler calling you friend.” – Extract from the personal journals of Dread Emperor Terribilis II

Always respect imaginary friends. They're on twenty-four hour call, and you're not.

Always skip to the pub to enjoy your barley and hops

Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there

Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark.

Always think in circles to get your ideas around

Always remember, there’s no such thing as luck, nothing happens by chance, and all is by divine intervention. You’re like a magnet, wherever you go, the people you have relationships with and those that are connected with them will be drawn to you. You’re needed, and soon, the little ones will look to you as well. If you let God be your guide, you’ll have the adventure of a lifetime. Jo, take what God gives you and run with it.

always serve too much hot fudge sause on the hot fudge sundaes.It makes people overjoyed,and puts them in your debt

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

A man holding an assault rifle ordered me out into the hallway. There was a whole tactical assault team standing behind him. “This is so flattering,” OWEN said in my ear as I exited the room. “Look how many guns they brought.

A maid’s yard, house, wardrobe, fridge, etc. sometimes also serve as her master’s dustbin or dumpsite.

A maioria das pessoas não está pronta para a morte, a sua ou a dos outros. Ela as choca, as apavora. É como uma grande surpresa. Diabos, não deveria ser nunca. Levo a morte em meu bolso esquerdo. Ás vezes, tiro-a do bolso e falo com ela: 'Oi, gata, como vai? Quando virá me buscar? Vou estar pronto'.

A man does not know the full depth of his thoughts till he picks up a pen and writes; Or till he picks up a bottle and drinks; Both have roughly the same amount of intoxicating influence; With the former, they sometimes come out refined; With the latter, they always come out unscripted; Pick your poison wisely, Spill your innards sparingly

A man cannot really be called (sexually) confident if he has never bought his woman a vibrator.

A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

A man is known by the company he keeps not by the company he works.

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

A man is not allowed to practise medicine unless he knows something of the human body, but a financier is allowed to operate freely without any knowledge at all of the multifarious effects of his activities, with the sole exception of the effect upon his bank account.

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves.

A Man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feeling.

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you.

A man without a sweet tooth is not to be trusted.

America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.

Amber, I can't handle twelve cats.

Amelia envisaged that between York and the royal-infested Scottish Highlands there was a grimy wasteland of derelict cranes and abandoned mills and betrayed, yet still staunch, people. Oh and moorland, of course, vast tracts of brooding landscape under lowering skies, and across this heath strode brooding, lowering men intent on reaching their ancestral houses, where they were going to fling open doors and castigate orphaned yet resolute governesses. Or — preferably — the brooding, lowering men were on horseback, black horses with huge muscled haunches, glistening with sweat —

...Amelia was sitting on the pavement in her lawn chair, a glass of wine in her hand. When we emerged, she set the glass down very carefully on the ground and then looked us over from head to toe. 'Okay, don't know how to react,' she said, finally.

Amber laughed. "What makes you think I'd marry you?" "What makes you think you'd have a choice?" "I'm not into bad guys," she said.

A mental list (and countdown) of my most embarrassing moments: (5) That time when my third grade teacher announced that I was too smart for her class in front of my fellow third graders; (4) That phase I went through in junior high when I thought jumpers were cool; (3) That time when I burst into tears at my surprise party for no apparent reason; (2) That time when I decided to become more active in my school's extracurricular stuff and showed up dressed for a school dance a week early; (1) Just now;

‪Am I dead? Is this heaven? No, I can't be. I'm realizing this as I process my second sensation: discomfort. I turn my head. Ooh, a TV. Maybe it is heaven.