Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.

I feel much freer now that I am certain the pope is the Antichrist.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth.

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

If it doesn't sell, it isn't creative.

I firmly believe that if the whole material medica, as now used, could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be better for mankind-and all the worse for the fishes.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child

I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?