Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so.

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven't done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

What a father says to his children is not heard by the world, but it will be heard by posterity.

What a great hitch to pit!

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

What a nice night for an evening.

What an ornament and safeguard is humor! Far better than wit for a poet and writer. It is a genius itself, and so defends from the insanities.

What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor.

What beefsteak is to Argentina, flamenco to Spain, cool reserve and self-control in all situations to an Englishman, what vodka is to a Russian and beer to a Bavarian, what money is to a Swiss, that is outdoor-life to an Australian. It is a noble mania, better than vodka, better than cool reserve, better than money.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What else is nature but God?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

What is amusing now had to be taken in desperate earnest once.

What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don't feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature's effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.

What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they'll see things seriously.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What shall we do with...the Jews?...their homes also should be razed and destroyed.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...set fire to their synagogues or schools and bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

What was significant about the laughter . . . was not just the fact that it provides internal exercise for a person . . . form of jogging for the innards, but that it creates a mood in which the other positive emotions can be put to work, too.

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.

When all else fails, look cute.

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.