Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Beth from accounting is just sitting in her car eating spaghetti.

Better broke than dead.

Beware of a man who can clear their conscience of any immoral act by simply confessing and asking forgiveness from their imaginary friend.

Beware of anyone who says, “I love you” without hesitation; they’ve had a lot of practice saying it.

Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics)

Beware the person who does not realize they have lost their mind, but always embrace the person who does.

Be warned. This book has no literary merit whatsoever. It it a lurid piece of nonsense, convoluted, implausible, peopled by unconvincing characters, written in drearily pedestrian prose, frequently ridiculous and wilfully bizarre. Needless to say, I doubt you'll believe a word of it.

Beware Stephen! There will probably be a magical combat of some sort. I daresay I shall have to take on different forms – cockatrice, raw head and bloody bones, rains of fire, etc., etc. You may wish to stand back a little!

Bhutan does seem a bit unreal at times. Hardly anybody in the U.S. knows where it is. I have friends who still think the entire country is a figment of my imagination. When I was getting ready to move there, and I told people I was going to work in Bhutan, they'd inevitably ask, "Where's Butane?" It is near Africa," I'd answer, to throw them off the trail. "It's where all the disposable lighters come from." They'd nod in understanding.

...big as a horse turd floating in a milk shake." Wyatt Dixson

Big Bertie’s sweet and tangy Hawaiian BBQ Sauce,” she said, caressing the bottle, “is guaranteed to get you lei’d

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

Birincisi ben hiç de iyi kalpli değilimdir; ikincisi, gözünüzde artık hiçbir önemim kalmamış ki iyi yürekli olduğumu söylüyorsunuz... Bu ölü adamın başına çelenk koymaya benzer.

Birds that cannot fly high into the sky rejoice exceedingly and sing sweet melodies when they get to the top of the tallest tree on the highest mountain!

Big changes could come quickly, and he wondered what else might happen to his heart while he wasn't paying attention.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

Billie turned back to Geroge. "He's an idiot." He held up his hands. "You will find no argument here." "The plight of the younger son," Andrew said with a sigh. Billie rolled her eyes, tipping he read toward Andrew as she said to George, "Don't encourage him." "To be ganged up upon," Andrew went on, "never respected..." George crane his neck, trying to read the title of Billie's book. "What are you reading?" "And," Andrew continued, "apparently ignored as well.

Bill nodded, but he didn’t look hopeful. “The H-H-Himalayans had a rih-hi-hitual to g-get rih-rid of i-i-it, but ih-it’s pretty gruh-gruh-gruesome.” They looked at him, not wanting to hear but needing to. “I-I-It was cuh-called the R-R-Ritual of Chüh-Chüd,” Bill said, and went on to explain what that was. If you were a Himalayan holy-man, you tracked the taelus. The taelus stuck its tongue out. You stuck yours out. You and it overlapped tongues and then you both bit in all the way so you were sort of stapled together, eye to eye.

Bill was wrestling with his undercooked chicken. "Wow," I remarked while examining my own plate. "I don't think I can eat this." "I know. It's gross," he conceded. "But it's free, so I scarf down seconds each night." "As a dog returneth to his vomit," I said, while making the sign of the cross in the air in front of me. "Amen," he agreed with his mouth full, and toasted me with his 7Up can.

Billy Pilgrim has become unstuck in time.

Bildon killed Tad. Look, there’s his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There’s the proof,” he screamed. “It’s in the pudding.” What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating.

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not that BioLogos isn't aware of the conflict, but rather, it has come up with the answer to the long-standing conflict between Darwinism and creationism: simply pretend there is no conflict.

Black holes are the last vestige of civilizations obsessed with tinkering.

Bizim hepimizin içinde zübüklük olmasa, bizler de birer zübük olmasak, aramızdan böyle zübükler büyüyemezdi. Hepimizde birer parça olan zübüklük birleşip işte başımıza böyle zübükler çıkıyor. Oysa zübüklük bizde, bizim içimizde. Onları biz, kendi zübüklüğümüzden yaratıyoruz. Sonra, kendi zübüklüklerimizin bir tek Zübük’de birleştiğini görünce ona kızıyoruz. Bu zübükler heryerde var, biz zübükler nerde varsak, onlar da orada...

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.

BLACK IS SO FUCKIN' BEAUTIFUL

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

Blind barthimus used his mouth and his feet to affect what wasn't working in his life? What do you use to affect what's not working in your life? God is not interested in your perfection, He is interested in your participation. It is your participation that attracts the presence of God.

Blessed are You God, ruler of the world, Who created man in wisdom and created within him numerous orifices and spaces. It is known and revealed before You that if one of them should open when it should close or one of them should close when it should open, it would be impossible for us to exist. Blessed are You God, Who heals all mankind and does wonders.

Blasted grave marker. There sure are a bloody lot of them. They've got some nerve burying all these dead people here.

Blew it up his nose. That woman should have cards printed: 'Dr. Evan Wilson, Imaginative Medicine a Specialty.

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.

Blasted spam pigeons!

Blood is really warm, it's like drinking hot chocolate but with more screaming.

Blood shall drop out of wood, and the stone shall give his voice, and the people shall be troubled:

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence.

Bluebell: Please, sir, I'm only a little [car] and I've left all my petrol on the grass. So if you don't mind eating the grass, sir, while I give this lady a ride- Hazel: Bluebell, shut up!

Marcie: Neurons that play together stay together, that is how we make connections. Danny: You want to play on my neural network? Are you sending me a modulation signal?

Bob,” I said, louder. “Are you saying it… it ate my magic?” Bob got a defensive look on his face. “Not all of it. I woke you up as quick as I could. Harry, don’t worry about it, you’ll heal. Sure, you might be down for a couple of months. Or, um, years. Well, decades, possibly, but that’s only a very outside chance—” I cut him off with a slash of my hand. “He ate part of my power,” I said. “Does that mean that the Nightmare is stronger?” “Well, naturally, Harry. You are what you eat.” “Dammit,” I snarled, pressing one hand against my forehead. “Okay, okay. We’ve really got to find this thing now.” I started pacing back and forth. “If it’s using my power, it makes me responsible for what it does with it.” Bob scoffed. “Harry, that’s irrational.” I shot him a look. “That doesn’t make it any less true,” I snapped. “Okay,” Bob said, meekly. “We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

Blood Life is not hunger. It’s freedom

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

Body language translation: hell yes, dipshit

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

Bloody clothing is often a clue that something has gone awry.

marathon: (noun) A popular form of overpriced torture wherein participants wake up at ass-o-clock in the morning and stand in the freezing cold until it's time to run, at which point they miserably trot for a god-awful interval of time that could be better spent sleeping in and/or consuming large quantities of beer and cupcakes. See also: masochism, awfulness, "a bunch of bullshit", boob-chafing, cupcake deprivation therapy

Books are like a mirror. If an ass looks in, you can't expect an angel to look out.

Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?' Customer's friend: 'Jesus.

Boomerang arrow, Kate -- It comes back to you in the end. Boomerang. Respect it.