Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I will liken my judgment unto a ring: like as there is no slackness of the last, even so there is no swiftness of the first.

I will grab your other arm, you will close your eyes, and up you will come. Back on terra firma." "This is terra firma. " Juliana pointed with her nose to the rugged cliff wall. "Yes, but I doubt very much that you want to stay there." "I like the idea of dangling in the air so much less.

I will call Guido if i need to

I will kill you, and I shall do so in such a way, this world will cease its wars. The world shall be unified in its mourning, not because it misses you, but because of the atrocities which I, alone, will have wrought upon your mangled corpse. And even after the cannons fall silent, I will never be caught. New monsters will be born into folklore to explain what I have done to you.

I will protect you," she promised the Bosendorfer inside. "I won't let you down." Sophie gave her a quizzical look. "Bastards better not hurt my piano," Miranda replied. "That's what you're worried about right now? What about your boyfriend?

I will never understand why you Humans weren’t designed to recycle your body’s water after filtering waste. It’s just so much more efficient.

I will say one thing about those males, there is never a dull moment." Peri suddenly appeared causing everyone to jump. "Bloody hell," Jen barked. "Couldn't you send out some sort of signal that you're about to appear out of thin air?" Lilly asked. "What do you expect me to do...fart just before I appear so the smell alerts you?" Peri took a seat next to Alina and crossed her legs, appearing regal despite her crude words. "Why do you say we would be alerted by the smell, rather than the sound?" Sally asked. Peri smiled. "I think you humans call them silent but deadly.

I will take a serious approach to a subject usually treated lightly, which is a nerdy thing to do.

I wish I could run into the world’s arms. Linger within the spaces between nothing. I wish I could filter out of existence. To live quietly without dying. I wish I could be cherished by life itself. To speak and sing volumes without lying to myself.

I will understand perfectly if you don’t want to answer, but I will just keep pestering you until you do.

I wished I had put more cherries on that slice. The whole jar of cherries. I could watch him eat a whole jar of cherries. Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, what was happening to me?

I wish I had my beta-blockers handy. [Comment when told that he had won a Nobel prize, referring to the drug he discovered for the treatment of heart disease.]

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.

I wish I were like Facebook; being able to 'like' and 'share' everything I get.

I wish he were better at hailing taxis than I am; on the other hand, I realize that expectation is culturally conditioned, utterly foolish, has nothing to do with anything, is exactly the kind of thinking that ought to be got rid of in our society; on still another hand, having that insight into my reaction does not seem to calm my irritation.

I wish kids at school would quit calling me a porno dork-face, though. There wasn't any sex involved! I got knocked out, I panicked and called the cops. Okay, somewhere along the line everybody's clothes fell off, but that's not exactly a federal crime. Is it? I hope you don't work for the FBI. (You don't, do you?) - Email Excerpt (Page: 21) From: Douglas Bracken To: Dr. Rita I. Milton Sent: Friday, November 08 - 5:05 PM Subject: Pressing Concerns

I wish I was friends with things," he said at last, "but I'm not. I never had anything to be friends with, and I can't bear people.

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

I wish that, like you, I could have spent my life transported aloft, as it were, every day, in music. Instead, I've lived like a caffeinated parrot.

I wish this knife was good for something besides death, that I could cut through time and walk into that house, into that kitchen where he trapped her, and get her out of there. I would make sure she had the future she should have had.

I wondered about my inner child. In fact, I was troubled. Did I even have an inner child, I asked myself, given that, in essence, I’d just been born?

I woke up dead. Not only dead...but in hell. I had always been somewhat sketchy on what the afterlife - were there actually such a thing - would be like for a person such as I. From all accounts and all my imaginings, I figured it would be one of two things. Either I would be surrounded by great, burning masses that were endlessly immolating souls in torment... or else I would find myself trapped within my own mind as a helpless bystander, condemned to watching me live out my life over and over again and powerless to do anything to change any of it. When idle speculation prompted me to dwell on these two options, I would find myself drawn invariably to the former, since the later was just too hideous to contemplate. ... I was almost afraid to open my eyes, because once I did, I would know one way or the other. Perhaps I could have just lain there forever. Perhaps I was supposed to. Perhaps that was my true condemnation: to simply reside in hell with my eyes closed afraid of opening them lest matters deteriorate even further than they already had. This, in turn, made me dwell on the fact that every time I had believed things couldn’t get worse, they promptly had done so with almost gleeful enthusiasm .

I wondered for a moment if he was trying to get me to join a cult, but I realized it was just his youth talking, not a dogma.

I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It's true that I doubt if I should know my best friends--men or women--with their clothes off.

I wish we had rocket launchers.

I wonder what it was really like back then. We think it’s all fun and flirting, but there was probably a lot of ugly reality.” “Like the dancing.

I wonder if one of the greatest lessons of our generation will be that ironic detachment is not an inherently neutral stance; that humor is not necessarily benevolent; that viewing anything and everything as a joke doesn't make you stronger or wiser, but exactly the opposite.

Keep people who inspire you in your life. Seek teachers and study great artist. No matter how talented or gifted you are you've had a long line of great people come before you. Learn from them.

Like most bad ideas, it started with alcohol.

Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.” Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?” “I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.” Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?” “He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.

Lion dies with hungry but never eats grass

Listen, I'm going to go lock myself in the coat closet, okay? Don't disturb me if you can help it?" She frowned at me. "Telepathy stuff," I said. "It may not work, but I've got to try.

„Listen,” Richard says, „unless you're about to inherit some money, what we're talking about here is irreversible, fatal. You have fiscal Ebola, Matt. You are bleeding out through your nose and your mouth and your eye sockets, from your financial asshole.” See! Fiscal Ebola? My financial asshole is bleeding? This was exactly why I started poetfolio.com; there are money poets everywhere.

Lin says the sensation of standing in the middle of these unsettling effects is a distilled version of how he feels throughout the show: "I am staying in my lane and doing what I'm supposed to do while everyone is doing what they do at the height of their abilities, and if I move to the left or right, I'll get hit with a desk.

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

Listen, last time I talked to you three, you were all two oars short of having any oars, so I don't want to hear it.

Listen up, Mount High-Hair," Gustav barked. "Say what you want about me, but lay off the rest of the team. I've been through a lot of stuff with these people. Nobody can tell me that Fancy Dancer and Lady Slick-Pants aren't heroes. Captain Gloom-Cape over there, too. And even Shrimp Charming has his moments." Briar leaned back in her chair. "I admire your ability to insult your friends *while* you defend them. It's a rare talent.

Little known fact- a cat which has just bitten itself in the ass can achieve impressive speed at it dashes madly straight up a curtain.

Live each day as if it were your last, 'cause I'm gonna kill you but I'm not super-good w/schedules

Living in a galaxy is like living in a neighborhood where the house down the street might have burned down four thousand years ago but you wouldn't know it for another three thousand years.

Live life to the fullest or foolest.

Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol.

Lo!" cried the demon. "I am here! What dost thou seek of me? Why dost thou disturb my repose? Smite me no more with that dread rod!" He looked at Cabal. "Where's your dread rod?" "I left it at home," replied Cabal. "Didn't think I really needed it." "You can't summon me without a dread rod!" said Lucifuge, appalled. "You're here, aren't you?" "Well, yes, but under false pretences. You haven't got a goatskin or two vervain crowns or two candles of virgin wax made by a virgin girl and duly blessed. Have you got the stone called Ematille?" "I don't even know what Ematille is." Neither did the demon. He dropped the subject and moved on. "Four nails from the coffin of a dead child?" "Don't be fatuous." "Half a bottle of brandy?" "I don't drink brandy." "It's not for you." "I have a hip flask," said Cabal, and threw it to him. The demon caught it and took a dram. "Cheers," said Lucifuge, and threw it back. They regarded each other for a long moment. "This really is a shambles," the demon added finally. "What did you summon me for, anyway?

Log Entry: SOL 118 My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you: Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?" NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die." So I took it apart.

Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes?

London is not a good place to be when you are sad: so crowded it makes you feel lonely.

Loneliness tortures many if not most of the elderly more intensely and more frequently than it torments many if not most of us who will never be or have not yet been pushed or pulled into old age.

Long before man traveled into space, rabbis debated how one would observe Shabbat there-not because they anticipated space travel but because Buddhists strive to live with questions and Jews would rather die.

Longing to know more about each other, Tinderella and her prince began that day a nightly journey of long conversations filled with the excitement of new beginnings. Every night, a kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttered their wings in her stomach, as two hearts learned to find a new rhythm beating as one.