Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I can never do nothing in this house!

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.