Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad.

And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor.

And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.

And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

[Andrew Jackson] was actually 70 years old when he left the White House

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

An earthly kingdom cannot exist without inequality of persons. Some must be free, some serfs, some rulers, some subjects.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

An idea is a feat of association.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Any attempts at humor immediately after September 11th were deemed tasteless.

An uncontrolled sense of humor is often costly in business.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead.

Anyone in the humor business isn't thinking clearly if he doesn't surround himself with idea people. Otherwise, you settle for mediocrity - or you burn yourself out.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog.

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.