Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

People will admit to arson and mayhem sooner than no sense of humor.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Personally I don't spend much time thinking about being funny. For me it's always been just a way to get by, a way to be likable yet to remain removed. When I speak up, it's not because I have any particular answers; rather, I have a desire to puncture the pretentiousness of those who seem so certain they do.

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold.

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.

President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

Probably there is an imperceptible touch of something permanent that one feels instinctively to adhere to true humour, whereas wit may be the mere conversational shooting up of "smartness"--a bright feather, to be blown into space the second after it is launched...Wit seems to be counted a very poor relation to Humour....Humour is never artificial.

Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

Probably it is impossible for humor to be ever a revolutionary weapon. Candide can do little more than generate irony.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution. Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion.

Puns are a form of humor with words.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Quality requires your Presence.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Putting a little time aside for clean fun and good humor is very necessary to relieve the tensions of our time.

Reason must be deluded, blinded, and destroyed. Faith must trample underfoot all reason, sense, and understanding, and whatever it sees must be put out of sight and ... know nothing but the word of God.

Reality is a unified whole, but thought cuts it up into fragments.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting.

Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.

Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother

Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.

Rock Hudson wasn't my type. He's a great guy and had a great sense of humor.

Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.