Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!

I like friends as I like music - when I am in the mood.

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

I like to deal with EVERY aspect of our condition, and that means terror and humor in equal mix. Some books have more room for humor than others.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.