Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!

Nobody in love has a sense of humor.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

"No comment" is a comment.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

Nor is it of much Importance to us to know the Manner in which Nature executes her laws; 'tis enough to know the Laws themselves.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.

Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults pointed out by our enemies than from hearing the opinions of friends.

Nothing is stronger than habit.

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that Humour excites in those who lack it.

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds of people.

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.

Of all the band of personal traitors the sense of humor is the most dangerous.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?