Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk!

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

I've always chosen my band members based on their sense of humor. It might sound stupid, but it means not only are they fun to live with on a tour bus for years, but humor implies intelligence.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I've been around some very famous people, but no one has the effect Maradona has; people tremble in his presence.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I've got a great sense of humor.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

I've had a very laughable career and what has seen me through is my sense of humor.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!

I want to do something challenging and I want to take risks, but above all, I want people to be entertained...Because the only way of talking about some issues sometimes is through humor.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".