Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the drivers wheel.

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

Our bodies are always exposed to Satan. The maladies I suffer are not natural, but Devil's spells.

Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own

over 85% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

People always want to ask me about my drug problem - I never had a drug problem; I had a self-esteem problem!

People are at their most mindful when they are at play. If we find ways of enjoying our work blurring the lines between work and play the gains will be greater.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

People ask me what the most important thing to take on the race is, and I always say it's a sense of humor. If you've got nothing but a sense of humor, you will survive.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

People don’t like to be lectured to, but if you can make them laugh, their defenses come down, and for the time being they’ve accepted whatever truth is embedded in your humor.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

People will admit to arson and mayhem sooner than no sense of humor.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

Personally I don't spend much time thinking about being funny. For me it's always been just a way to get by, a way to be likable yet to remain removed. When I speak up, it's not because I have any particular answers; rather, I have a desire to puncture the pretentiousness of those who seem so certain they do.

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold.

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.