Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

Every law is an infraction of liberty.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!

Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.

everybody fancies they have that rare thing, a sense of humour.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every time you turn on your new car, you're turning on 20 microprocessors. Every time you use an ATM, you're using a computer. Every time I use a settop box or game machine, I'm using a computer. The only computer you don't know how to work is your Microsoft computer, right?

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Expect not praise without envy until you are dead.

Experimenting with drugs is like target practice where your head is the bull's-eye.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Famous people come up to me, but I don't know who they are because my sight is so bad. It's always at the pool of the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills when I don't have my lenses in and my glasses are in my room.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

Exaggeration is the cheapest form of humor.

Find a subject you care about and which you in your heart feel others should care about. It is this genuine caring, and not your games with language, which will be the most compelling and seductive element in your style.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

Force is all conquering, but it's victories are short lived.

Follow your own weird.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.