Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Reality is a unified whole, but thought cuts it up into fragments.

Reason must be deluded, blinded, and destroyed. Faith must trample underfoot all reason, sense, and understanding, and whatever it sees must be put out of sight and ... know nothing but the word of God.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.

Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.

Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother

Rock Hudson wasn't my type. He's a great guy and had a great sense of humor.

Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable.

Satire is moral outrage transformed into comic art.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

Seriousness is the refuge of the shallow. There are events and personal experiences that call forth seriousness but they are fewer than most of us think.

Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker.

Sense of humor: A thread of illuminated intelligence that links two opposite ideas.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Seems like the light at the end of the tunnel may be you.

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She sleeps alone at last.

Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?