Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!

Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!

Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!

Every time you turn on your new car, you're turning on 20 microprocessors. Every time you use an ATM, you're using a computer. Every time I use a settop box or game machine, I'm using a computer. The only computer you don't know how to work is your Microsoft computer, right?

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Exaggeration is the cheapest form of humor.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Expect not praise without envy until you are dead.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experimenting with drugs is like target practice where your head is the bull's-eye.

Famous people come up to me, but I don't know who they are because my sight is so bad. It's always at the pool of the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills when I don't have my lenses in and my glasses are in my room.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Find a subject you care about and which you in your heart feel others should care about. It is this genuine caring, and not your games with language, which will be the most compelling and seductive element in your style.

Follow your own weird.

Force is all conquering, but it's victories are short lived.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

For health and the constant enjoyment of life, give me a keen and ever present sense of humor; it is the next best thing to an abiding faith in providence.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky.

FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.

Fun is about as good a habit as there is.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.