Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Larry Moffett is 6' 3". Last year he was 6" 6".

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Laughter, and the broader category of humor, are key elements in helping us go on with our life after a loss.

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Laughter ispleasant, butthe exertion istoomuchfor me.

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols or bombs without incurring any penalties.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.

Liberty, like chastity, once lost, can never be regained in its original purity.

Life is a campus: in a Greenwich Village bookstore, looking for a New Yorker collection, I asked of an earnest-looking assistant where I might find the humour section. Peering over her granny glasses, she enquired, "Humour studies would that be, sir?

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of risks anyway; why not take them?

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is tough; and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

Look at the Metropolitan Community Church today, the gay church, almost accepted into the World Council of Churches. Almost, the vote was against them. But they will try again and again until they get in, and the tragedy is that they would get one vote. Because they are spoken of here in Jude as being brute beasts, that is going to the baser lust of the flesh to live immorally, and so Jude describes this as apostasy. But thank God this vile and satanic system will one day be utterly annihilated and there'll be a celebration in heaven.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!

Make us laugh and you can pick all pockets.

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.

Manners are a way of getting what you want without appearing to be an absolute swine.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

Many true words are spoken in jest.

Many sweat to reconcile St Paul and St James, but in vain. 'Faith justifies' and 'faith does not justify' contradict each other flatly. If any one can harmonize them I will give him my doctor's hood and let him call me a fool.