Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

He was just trying to tease me - I knew that later - but he said he'd have to leave because it wasn't fair to have anyone in the room who was going to make fun of what he had to say. He had a good sense of humor, really.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

He who does not like you will defame you in jest.

He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.

Hi folks, I'm Gerry Gross!

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Holding back is so close to stealing.

His wry sense of humour and his stalwart courage were an inspiring example to so many. His ability to laugh at Life's idiosyncrasies and himself in a self deprecating way taught that most valuable of lessons: 'to be of good cheer, no matter what Life threw at you, and ever to find the hope that dwells in every human heart'.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.

Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.

How can I die? I'm booked.

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies - you've got to draw a line there.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

How fatally the entire want of humor cripples the mind.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

How often have not the demons called 'Nix,' drawn women and girls into the water, and there had commerce with them, with fearful consequences.

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Humor helps us get through life with a modicum of grace. It offers one of the few benign ways of coping with the absurdity of it all.

Humor implies a sure conception of the beautiful, the majestic and he true, by whose light it surveys and shape s their opposites. It is a humane influence, softening with mirth the ragged inequities of existence, prompting tolerant views of life, bridging over the space which separates the lofty from the lowly, the great from the humble.

Humor is how you change people's opinions, and if you can make someone laugh, they'll listen, even if they hate you.

Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders.

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

Humor is the harmony of the heart.

Humor is the mistress of tears.

Humorists always sit at the children's table.

Humor is unavoidable. It might not feel funny in the moment, but more often than not there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows.

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.

Humor and knowledge are the two great hopes of our culture.