Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Cathy was the first widely syndicated humor strip created by a woman. The strip was pretty revolutionary at the time not only because it starred a female, but also because it was so emotionally honest about all the conflicting feelings many women had in 1976.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

Children are often the silent victims of drug abuse.

Circumstance has no value. It is how one relates to the situation that has value. All the meaning resides in the personal relationship to a phenomenon, what it means to you.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Clumsy jesting is no joke.

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no God!

Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Come, agree, the law's costly.

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.

Conservative humor is frankly harder than liberal humor. You get points for just being liberal. You can get more points if you make fun of your own side sometimes.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!

Dead birds don't fall out of their nests.

Dan Moldea, the lead investigator for Larry Flynt's ongoing quest to uncover sexual indiscretions of Republican congressional members, has now admitted he was hired by the law firm defending President Clinton.

Davis fouls out to third in fair territory.

Dali had a good sense of humor - obviously you could tell just looking at him; he was funny.

Death is an acquired trait.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Demons live in many lands, but particularly in Prussia.

Definition of lecture: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either. Definition of conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present Definition of office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. "What people say about me behind my back is none of my business.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

DeShaies is like a clock out there. Every other pitch goes one way or the other.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!