Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

From the moment I was first pregnant, and those around me insisted that treats such as cold cuts and nail polish could cut my unborn child's potential IQ in half, I got into the habit of NOT seeking out the little things that brought me joy. Like soft cheese. And getting too close to a Starbucks. Then my son came, and I was too busy crying while searching for his User Manual to consider a manicure or massage. I lasted about a week as a new mom before reaching out to others in my situation online. As exhausted, cranky, and confused as I was, I needed friends. It didn't take long for this gaggle of desperate, sleepless women to meet up in person...

From the next hour he will be reading from ancient text." "How ancient, I asked, a thousend years or last weeks?" "Very ancient, the girl said solemmly, but it is a forgivable interuption under those cicumstances, and the texts will just become more ancient in waiting.

From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete.

Fui al Museo de Madame Tussauds a ver mi figura de cera. Bueno, en realidad no soy yo, porque no es la de alguien tendida en la cama viendo viejas películas en la tele, bebiendo una Coca-Cola con una mano y apartando la lengua de su perro Gary con la otra.

From this I think we can conclude that the definitive English holorime has yet to be written. However, an old children's riddle does seem to come close. It is the one that poses the question "How do you prove in three steps that a sheet of paper is a lazy dog?" The answer: (1) a sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane; (2) an inclined plane is a slope up; (3) a slow pup is a lazy dog.

From what I see, there are only two types of pack members--the hierarchy who are power hungry and the peons who are power less. - Cody Forester, Wolfsbane Brew

Fucking Hallmark never wrote anything for how I felt then. When Metallica and the rest of the metal community pitched in to pay for Acrassicauda, the Iraqi heavy metal band, to move to the US is the only thing that comes close. And maybe the late-breaking success of Anvil. I had a toasty heart, especially after I got called back to pick up first prize for Miss Frizz. Ah, never mind. You know what I'm saying.

Fucksocks! It’s Chet the huge shaved vampyre cat, down on the street. He looks bigger, and I think he ate a meter maid. Her little cart is running and there’s an empty uniform on the curb. Bad kitty!

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?

Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker.

Fuck. He thought quietly to himself. Death is going to kill me. Ha. Unintentional dark humor was always the best humor.

Fuck me,' I said out loud, 'I'm in fairyland.

Fugitives were predictable the first hour after escape. They always needed the same thing. Travel. Lodging. Cash. The Holy Trinity.

Frowning, puzzled, I cross my arms over my chest. "Go to hell." His eyebrows lift as he draws near enough so that I can accept his offer of wine, and smell his pungent breath. " Not without you, my dear

Fuck, Christina.” “Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that.

Fucking Hell! I just want a coffee.

Fucking morning people, they just don’t understand what it a chore it is for us normal people to not want to leave our warm beds and face the miserable sun.

Fuck me, Sonny!” She cried. I did. She came immediately. I felt like I was trying to board a moving train wearing roller skates.

Fuck you!” “Right here?” He crossed his arms. “That definitely wouldn’t help your getting over me.

Full Form of MONEY in 21st Century. Managing others net without engaging yours.

Fun Fact: Grapefruit contains zero grapes.

Further, there is no trustworthy standard by which we can separate the "real" from the "unreal" aspects of phenomena. Such standards as exist are conventional: and correspond to convenience, not to truth. It is no argument to say that most men see the world in much the same way, and that this "way" is the true standard of reality: though for practical purposes we have agreed that sanity consists in sharing the hallucinations of our neighbours.

Gabe watched, holding his breath as the figure slowly turned. The body moved in an almost unnatural way as it shifted and crawled slowly on all fours across the floor. When the candlelight at last fell on the figure, Gabe could make out the auburn hair of his beloved Sophie. Her hair was matted, greasy, and hung in her face. Gabe saw her shoulders were hollow looking and her skin was almost glowing white. Gabe caught sight of Sophie’s fingers, her knuckles were bloody, and her nails cracked and peeling. Instinctively, Gabe fell to his knees and crawled to Sophie. Without even giving it a thought, he grabbed her hands and pulled them closer to the light.

Gab has just returned this journal to me, saying he found it on the kitchen table. I suspect he's been reading it. If so - KEEP OUT!!! and I LOVE YOU!!! but mainly THIS IS PRIVATE. KEEP OUT!!! M, If this is a private journal then you shouldn't leave it open in a place where I can see it. Gabriel

Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.

Funny how what's good for the gander is good for the goose...until it's your goose ~ The Duke of Lancaster

Gaby wasn’t having much luck with cats lately. The stray from yesterday had left her with red welts and a bad dream, and Lemon had just tried to eat her hair.

Gaining power’s a lot like scaling a tower, Chancellor. The longer you do, the more likely you are to fall.” – Dread Empress Regalia the First, before ordering her Chancellor thrown out the window

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables... There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of it here. The room was as severe as anything in the novices' quarters although it had, perhaps, a more opulent severity; it wasn't the forced bareness of poverty, but the starkness of intent.

Futures can and do change, something as simple as you're supposed to turn right down a street one day... In your bones u know it, and yet for reasons no one understands, you decide to debunk fate and go left. Now instead of meeting your spouse of your dreams and having a house full of kids, you get flattened by an ice-cream truck and spend the next 5 years in physical therapy recovering from the injuries; or worse you die from it. And all cause you exercised free will and turned the opposite way on a whim.

Gabby,” Jenna cried. “It’s so horrible. I can’t believe this happened.” “Jenna,” I said in a soothing voice, “I’m alive and okay. No worries.” She sniffled into the phone. “No, it’s not that.” I waited a beat. “What?” “The bridesmaid dresses are all wrong!” she wailed. “Wait a second,” I said. “You aren’t upset over my being dead for four days?” “I knew you’d be fine,” she explained, brushing off the subject. “But these dresses? I don’t know what to do. They’re the wrong color, and they’re hideous!” She went into a hysterical fit of tears.

Gabe realized he was standing there alone, with a goofy smile on his face. Limping inside, he closed the door behind him, her words still lingering in his mind. Gabe wanted more than anything to be able to choose happiness. He wanted a rain storm to make him smile. He desired that the simple task of cooking would make him dance. To Gabe, however, it didn’t seem as simple as just making a choice. He hoped her joy was contagious, because he was in uncharted territories.

Galatea Dunkel was a tenacious loser.

Gazing down on this mess is like looking into the pit of Mordor. So many lost souls! These glorified car salesmen, these people whose jobs involve coercion and manipulation, whose lives revolve around making their numbers. Every month, every quarter, every year: sell, sell, sell! These are the people who took the Internet, one of the most wonderful and profound inventions of all time, and polluted it with advertising and turned it into a way to sell stuff. No wonder these zombies need to take a week off in San Francisco once a year, with some Deepak Chopra and maybe an eight ball of coke and a Canadian hooker to make the whole thing seem worthwhile.

G-d doesn’t expect you to be perfect, She expects you to be imperfect—and is delighted when you disappoint Her.

Gavin, Logan, Calix. Was there a sale on trendy names when they were born, or something?

Gay ships are yay ships!

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.

Gdje su moja ljudska prava? Zašto se ne bih seksala jednom godišnje, ako mi to odgovara? Gdje je moje pravo da urlam po cesti, dečki, ne zanimate me više, aleluja, aleluja? Zašto se mi udane žene do smrti moramo jebati s našim muževima?" "Smirite se," rekla sam i zatvorila vrata. "Ako vam je sa mužem prenaporno, možete se rastati." "Zašto? Ja volim svoga muža, on je krasan čovjek. Uspješan, čist, pere se svakog dana što većina muškaraca ne čini, kad nakon njega uđeš u zahod ne treba ti gas-maska. I što me još ubija, svake večeri mi u krevetu čita Krležu, da nije njega nikad ne bih čula za Krležu..." Dotaknula sam joj rame. "Volite Krležu?" "Ne." "Pa zašto vam onda u krevetu čita Krležu?" "O tome vam govorim, radi što ga volja, jebe me kad mu padne na pamet i čita Krležu na sav glas.

Geek e-mail sign-off: No trees were killed to send this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

Gemma,” I said, adding a singsong whine to my voice, “now I can’t scare her. You can’t go around telling people about me.

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

Gee, that worked out pretty good," said Harold. "...I guess everything worked out perfectly!" "Yeah, nice going," said George, looking a bit annoyed. "Why do you have to say things like that?" "Things like what?" asked Harold. "Haven't you been paying attention in these stories?" asked George. "Every time somebody says something like that, it always means that a buncha bad stuff is just about to happen." "But what could possibly go wrong now?" asked Harold. "FREEZE!" shouted the Chief of Police. "You guys are under arrest!

General attitude and outlook—the way we perceive and experience anything—is more influenced by our physical state than anything other single factor. I’d guess that for most of us, at least 50% of our struggles and discontent are brought on by being physically out of balance. The causes of that imbalance are many, but at the core, there’s an insensitivity or inability to locate and maneuver essential physical processes within us: how to breathe, how to sit, stand and walk, how to see and hear, how to slow down or speed up, how to relax, how to sleep, how to eat, how to adjust our physiological responses to the different circumstances we find ourselves within. This kind of removal or abstraction from our physicality causes an enormous amount of problems on many levels. One key result of it is a distrust in our own ability to influence our emotional state and our energy and perspectives in general; we often feel that we can’t get our hands on the control switches, as if most of life just happens and we can’t do much about it.

genetically modified organism (GMO): (n.) member of the public who has regularly consumed the biotech industry’s food products.

Gerald's look assured her that he and the others would be as near angels as children could be without ceasing to be human.

Genevieve hunched her shoulders against the storm of sound and fury and struggled to imagine a worse sort of hell. Widdershins, of course, seemed perfectly happy, but Widdershins was weird.

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?” “Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

George Harrison: Paul transformed me in my bedroom, and it was awkward, to say the least. It was like being on a blind date, complete with stilted conversation and elliptical innuendo. He said, "So." Then I said, "So." Then he said, "So." Then I said, "So." That went on for, I dunno, five minutes or something.

German Kindergarten teachers would not intervene unless someone's eye was actually being poked out with a stick, and even then, only to clean up the eye, put it back in the child's head, and tell them to soldier on.” -Kari Martindale, in “Expat Education: an Expat’s Guide to Choosing a School Overseas” by author Carole Hallett Mobbs