Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

The great thing about university is that they incline you to get up and do it, from the Classics to modern plays, to the humor that Monty Pythons made popular.

The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.

The guys in my band are great-we watch movies, we eat pizza, take walks, read books. Everybody has a really great sense of humor. And my boyfriend comes and visits me on the road.

The happiness of those who want to be popular depends on others; the happiness of those who seek pleasure fluctuates with moods outside their control; but the happiness of the wise grows out of their own free acts.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.

The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint.

The idea that Bill Gates (one of the founders of Microsoft) has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second rate technology, led them into it in the first place...

The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened.

The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior.

The joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious humor.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

The law often permits what honor prohibits.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

The masters of the comic spirit are often our prophets.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

The man who tells me an indelicate story does me an injury.

The more repression there is, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that repression. But too often sarcasm passes for irony, name-calling passes for insight, bleeped-out four-letter words pass for wit, and lowest-common-denominator jokes pass for analysis. Satire should have a point of view. It doesn't have to get a belly laugh. It does have to present criticism.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.

The most fatal disease of friendship is gradual decay, or dislike hourly increased by causes too slender for complaint, and too numerous for removal.

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

The oil and wine of merry meeting.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.