Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child

I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I firmly believe that if the whole material medica, as now used, could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be better for mankind-and all the worse for the fishes.

If it doesn't sell, it isn't creative.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

If Lincoln were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck.

If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement.

If the blood humor is too strong and robust, calm it with balance and harmony.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock.

If the gods have no sense of humor they must weep a great deal.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

If some beggar steals a bridle he'll be hung by a man who's stolen a horse.

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 and get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.