Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

Be as a tower firmly set; Shakes not its top for any blast that blows.

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.

Be bold in your caring, and be bold in your dreaming.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.

Be fond of the man who jests at his scars, if you like; but never believe he is being on the level with you.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.

Being patted is what it is all about.

Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy

Benedict may not be as hurt as he really is.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

Biography lends to death a new terror.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Billy Almon has all of his in-laws and outlaws here this afternoon.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

But if you don't watch me, I will try and sneak in some humor. I see humor everywhere in life around me.

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

By his provocations to good-natured merriment, a humorist of the first water contributes as much to the sum of happiness as the gravest philosopher.

Caffeine. The gateway drug.

By way of personal instinct, I have an inherent distaste for grandiose rhetorical statements, which don't have any substantive dimension to them

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.